Ed, Edd n Eddy

Kevin: "Aw, here we go." [He is looking at a statue of Ed. The camera then moves on to Rolf and Jonny, who are looking at a statue of Edd. Edd has a skull in his hand. Rolf pokes him, and the statue wobbles, dropping the skull which he pushed under the nearby table. Jimmy, meanwhile, is looking at a sculpture of Eddy.]
Eddy: [popping up] "Lifelike, ain't it? You too can have your own wax dummy from Ed's Spittin' Image of Wax! Need a scapegoat for Mom and Dad to yell at? Why not blame the dummy? Only 25 cents."
Jimmy: "You mean live life guilt free? Give it to me, Eddy!" [He drops a quarter in Eddy's jar.]
Eddy: "We got us a live one!" [Ed takes a coffin shaped box and slams it down onto Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Be gentle."
Edd: [explaining the process] "The procedure is really quite simple, Jimmy. Step One: We pour oatmeal, Mother Nature's own casting agent." [He fills the coffin with oatmeal and slams the lid.] "Step Two: Vigorous distribution. This will activate the oatmeal's inherent properties of coagulation." [Ed shakes the box.] "Step Three: Let it set." [Edd pulls out an hourglass and times the oatmeal. Once enough time has passed] "Step Four: Gently extract from the now hardened mold." [Ed uses an eyedropper to suck Jimmy out of the coffin.]
Ed: "Look out for your shoes!" [He tosses the eyedropper. It lands, and Jimmy is pushed out.]
Jimmy: [heading for the skies] "AAAAH!"
Edd: "Uh, yes, um, step five: We insert solid wax cylinders into the mold and meticulously melt each one into its cavity, thus coating every delicate nook and cranny."
[What Edd means is they put crayons in the mold and melt them to fit the created mold and thus make a statue.]
Kevin: [bored] "Get on with it!"
Edd: "Rome wasn't built in a day, Kevin." [Ed takes a mallet and slams it down on the top of the dummy maker. The coffin splits in two, revealing an oddly posed Jimmy at the center.]
Jonny: "Wow! Look at that!"
[Jimmy comes down next to the statue and pops up in exactly the same pose.]
Eddy: "Which one's the dummy, huh, huh?" [pointing at them both] "Betcha can't tell! Only at Ed's Spittin' Image of Wax! Who's next?"
Sarah: [worried] "Jimmy looks like he's gonna throw up!"
Jonny: "Turn me and Plank into candles, Eddy!"
Nazz: "This I gotta see."
Rolf: [to a resolute Kevin] "Come, Kevin, the placing of the wig must not be missed!"
Kevin: [walking away] "This is so stale, I swear." [He sees something and stops.] "Huh?" [It is a wallet.] "Choice, a wallet!"
Eddy: "Any cash?!?"
Kevin: "It's empty. Like your head."
Eddy: [walking back to his scam] "What idiot would carry a wallet with no cash in it?"
Kevin: [looking in it] "No way! Hey, Eddy, check out the idiot!" [He holds it out. The "idiot" in question is none other than our favorite three-haired scammaster.]
Eddy: [looking at it] "Hey. That's mine."
Kevin: "Ain't it weird how wallets can tell a lot about a dork." [flipping the wallet to Eddy] "Huh, Skipper."
Eddy: [scared] "WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?!?" [Eddy, freaked out, looks back at his scam.]
Kevin: "That is your middle name, right, Skipper?"
Eddy: [putting Kevin on his bike] "Gee, sorry you're leaving town, pal, I'll sure miss ya, don't come back too soon now!"
[Kevin just sits on his bike.]
Eddy: [begging] "You ain't gonna tell, are ya? Don't! I'm groveling! I'll do anything you want, I swear! Just don't tell anyone!"
Kevin: "Anything I want, huh?" [thinking] "Buy me a soda, 'cause I'm broke."
Eddy: "In your dreams!"
Kevin: [smug] "Your choice. Skipper. HEY, ROLF!" [Eddy clamps his hands over Kevin's mouth.]
Rolf: [turning to see who called him] "Hallo! No rain today, yes?" [turning back around] "Half-baked Ed-boy. Is it done?"
Eddy: [taking his hands of Kevin's mouth] "Okay, you win!"
Kevin: "I'm waiting..."

[Ed places two eyes on a statue of Jonny and Plank.]
Ed: "Am I an artiste or what?" [The Kids laugh.]
Jonny: [eyeless] "Where'd everybody go?" [Eddy runs up and grabs the jar from Edd.]
Edd: "Ed, give Jonny his eyes back." [He notices the jar is gone.]
Ed: "Like toejam, Bob!"
[Edd looks across the street, where Eddy gives the jar to Kevin. Once he's gone, Eddy then hustles back.]
Ed: "Okay, you're hot. Hotter! Yep, that's them, Jonny!" [Jonny picks his eyes up and puts them on wrong.]
Jonny: "Weird, huh Plank?"
Eddy: [darting in] "Everybody go away!"
Jimmy: "But Eddy, my wax figurine!" [Eddy throws Jimmy and Sarah over the fence.]
Eddy: [in a full-blown panic] "We're closed!"

Eddy: [pushing Ed and Edd into his room] "Home sweet home, huh guys? Let's uh–" [He pulls out a notepad.] "Play some X and O's!"
Ed: "Ooh! Ooh! X's and O's? I am skookum at X's and O's!"
Edd: "Ed, don't you see? Somethings amiss here, and Eddy's just trying to–"
Ed: [imitating an old man] "Find your hamburgers yet, Wimpy?"
Edd: [agreeing] "Very well, Ed, I'm up for your challenge."
Eddy: "Hey, uh, you guys start. I need to check on something." [He tears off around the side of the house.]

[Rounding the house, he looks for Kevin. When he spots Kevin, Kevin is deep in conversation with Sarah and Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Are you pulling my leg, Kevin?"
Eddy: [hysterical] "Lies! All lies! Don't listen to him, Jimmy, he's making it all up!"
Kevin: "I was just telling 'em how much you love Jimmy's fashion sense, Dorky."
Eddy: "I do?"
Kevin: "But, if that's a lie, maybe I should tell them the truth." [Eddy begins to sweat.]
Sarah: [grinning malignantly] "What truth?"
Eddy: [pushing Sarah out of the way] "Oh, that! Oh yeah, Kevin's right, Jimmy. How about sharing your secrets, Blackwell?"
[Kevin snickers, knowing he has Eddy under his thumb.]

[Ed and Edd are in Eddy's bedroom, playing Tic-tac-toe. Edd draws an O in the middle. Ed takes the pencil and draws furiously for a moment.]
Ed: "I win again, Double D!" [Instead of drawing X's, he has drawn many symbols around the O, including a trident, a chicken head, and some geometric figures.]
Edd: [thoroughly confused] "We are playing X's and O's, aren't we Ed?"
Eddy: "Okay. What's up?" [Eddy looks exactly like Jimmy, down to the clothes, hair, and retainer.] "My go?" [He draws a straight line down the middle of the new game.] "Who's next? Be right back." [He runs off.]
Edd: "I can't quite put my finger on it, Ed, but something very strange is going on here."
Ed: "Yeah, that you stink at this game, Double D!" [He proceeds to scribble over Eddy's line.]

[Eddy runs like his feet are on fire. He spots Kevin talking to Jonny. Without stopping, he grabs Jonny and stuffs him in an envelope. He seals the envelope, drops it in a mailbox, and runs back.]
Eddy: "C'mon, Kev, you promised you wouldn't tell!" [He sees Kevin about to talk to Nazz.] "Kevin, don't!"
[Kevin merely beckons him over.]

[Edd has drawn an O, once again in the center. Ed draws a square around it.]
Ed: "Whoa-hoa-hoa! I win!"
Edd: "Preposterous! This isn't how the game's played! I refuse to continue under these absurd conditions, Ed."
Ed: "Aw, kitty-cat go meow?"
[Eddy rushes in. He picks up Edd and carries him to the middle of the cul-de-sac.]
Edd: [irked] "Would you mind telling me what has gotten into you today?"
Eddy: "Forgive me!"
[Eddy bends Edd over and kisses him with all the passion of fear. Kevin laughs heartily.]
Nazz: "You're bad, Kevin."
Sarah: [entering from the left] "Hey. What's going on?" [She points at the friends, who are retching.]
Kevin: "Hey Eddy, get over here!"
Eddy: "Coming, Kevin!" [He pushes Edd back, and Edd stumbles against Ed.]
Ed: "One is a lonely number, Double D."
Eddy: [acting like a seal] "Ark ark ark! Ark ork ark!" [He goes up to some horns and blows the with his teeth.]
Rolf: [enjoying himself immensely] "The Ed-boy has been trained well!"
[The kids, with the exception of Ed and Edd, laugh.]
Ed: "Catchy tune."
Kevin: [holding a fish] "Now gimme a nosestand." [Eddy complies.] "Choice, Wave to Nazz." [after Eddy does as requested] "Now beg for the fish."
Eddy: "Ark ark ark!" [Kevin throws the fish, and Eddy catches it in his mouth.]
Kevin: "So? Swallow it! Or else." [after the fish stays uneaten] "Right then. Hey guys! Wanna know what Eddy's–"
Eddy: [through the fish] "Okay! Okay!" [Eddy swallows the raw, slimy, scaly fish. He then gags.]
Kevin: "Oh, man, you're sick. Here's something to wash it down with." [He sprays Eddy with a squirt gun.] "Oops, I missed."
[There is now a big wet spot by the crotch of his pants. The kids all laugh.]
Kevin: "Bathroom's over there, pal!"
Eddy: [embarrassed] "Good one, Kev. You're a funny guy." [Edd taps him on the shoulder.]
Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy, may I have a word with you privately?"
Eddy: "Back off! Can't you see I'm trying to bend to one's yoke?"
Edd: "Very well, I'll just tell your father you're too busy." [He walks away.]
Eddy: [backing away after Edd] "Remember Kev, loose lips sink ships. Okay?"

Eddy: "What's my dad want?"
Ed: [with a backscratcher] "Anybody got an itch to scratch?" [He uses the scratcher on Eddy's armpit.]
Edd: "Ed." [Ed slows and stops.] "Not now, thank you." [Ed leaves.] "I made up the father excuse to lure you away, Eddy! What in Sam Hill has gotten into you? Look at yourself! Kevin's making a fool of you in front of everyone!"
Ed: [reappearing] "Yeah, it's usually me!"
Eddy: "I can't tell you. Nobody can find out!" [He straightens up, alert.]
Kevin: "Hey Eddy! C'mere, will ya?"
Eddy: "Gotta go!" [He bounds off.]
Ed: [waving] "A fine example of who-knows-what, he is."

[The kids are all laughing. Eddy runs up.]
Eddy: "What's up, pal?"
[He looks around the circle. Everyone has a strained, carnivorous grin on their face.]
Sarah: "Hey Eddy!" [She is flipping a jump rope with Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "How about a little skip rope, friend?"
Eddy: "Uh...nope, not me."
Jonny: "Plank wants to know if you'll skipper our boat!" [He holds up a boat made of newspaper. Plank is nestled inside.]
Rolf: "Look here, Ed-boy. He who commands the boat must rig many knots, yes?" [Rolf laughs, and Eddy sweats ferociously.]
Kevin: "Dude. That wasn't even remotely funny."
Sarah: [rhyming] "What sounds like dipper, rhymes with flipper, is close to zipper–"
Eddy: "Shut up, Sarah!"
Sarah: "–but not a slipper...well, what do you know. It's Skipper!"
Eddy: "Say what?"
The Kids: [chanting] "Skipper, Skipper,–"
Eddy: "No way!"
The Kids [chanting] "–Skipper, Skipper!"
Eddy: "Leave me alone!"
Jonny: [running off with the rest of the kids, except Kevin] "See ya, Skipper!"
Nazz: [the last of the group besides Kevin to leave] "Skipper. What's with that?"
Eddy: "Kevin, you jerk! You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"
Kevin: "Oops. I forgot. Sorry, Skipper!" [He rides off, laughing meanly.]
[Eddy walks the other way, hunched over in an ocean of grumpiness. He runs into Edd.]
Edd: "I'm here for you, Eddy. A penny for your thoughts?"
Ed: "Skipper's embarrassed because everybody now knows Eddy's middle name." [He giggles.]
Edd: "Skipper?"
Eddy: [giving up] "Ah, who cares! My life's wrecked."
Edd: "Skipper's a very–um–exceptional middle name. Be proud of it, because it will be with you for the rest of your life." [He lifts Eddy's lips into a smile.] "Now how about a smile?" [Edd removes his fingers, and Eddy's face falls back into a despairing look.] "Eddy, if it makes you feel any better, I'll tell you my middle name."
Eddy: [dispirited] "Okay."
Edd: "Well Eddy, my middle name is Marion." [there is a pause while Eddy absorbs this]
Eddy: "Marion?! You gotta be kidding me! That's a girl's name!" [Eddy begins to laugh his head off.]
Ed: "Marion! Like that maid!"
Edd: [clamping a hand over Eddy's mouth] "Eddy, please don't!"
Eddy: "MARION!"
[Ed and Eddy laugh, and the kids come out.]
Nazz: "My aunt's name is Marion!"
Sarah: "Double D, that's so cute!"
Rolf: "Marion the Hungarian?"
Kevin and Jonny: "No! Marion the Librarian!"
[Everyone, including his friends, laugh at Edd.]
Eddy: "Kids can be so cruel, huh, Ed?"
Ed: "Got that right, SKIPPER!"
[Eddy stops laughing and looks at Ed, peeved.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide