Ed, Edd n Eddy

[It is a peaceful day on the water as the sun shines down on it. Suddenly, a doll plops down into the water, a rope tied around its neck. The Eds are relaxing in a boat, fishing in Ed's pond for who-knows-what.]
Eddy: "This is the life, huh boys? We catch us some fish, sell 'em to a fish buyer guy, he hands over a big wad of cash, and bingo. We're rich."
Ed: "Got any eights?"
Edd: [bored] "I hardly think we'll be catching anything in Ed's backyard pond, Eddy."
[Something bites Ed's line.]
Ed: "Ooh. FISH! FISH!" [He heaves at the rod, trying to pull the fish in.]
Eddy: "It's mine! Reel it in, Ed!"
Ed: "It's a fighter, Eddy!"
Edd: "Oh, please. No creature could survive in this pond."
Ed: "If it's not of this world, it's mine!"
[Ed and Eddy continue to heave until it rises out of the water. At that point, Eddy steps back, scared.]
Edd and Eddy: "What is that?!?"
[Ed has pulled out something that looks like a fish but is made entirely of various meats.]
Ed: [dancing in the boat] "Oh goodie goodie! It's my freezer experiment! I wondered where Sarah hid it. Welp, that's a keeper." [He tries to swing the experiment into the boat.]
Edd and Eddy: "NO, ED!!!"
[The giant fish thing swings around against the side of the boat. It hits with enough force to knock the boat upside down, sending the Eds flying out of the water.]
Ed: "Who brought the tartar sauce?"
Eddy: "Ed!" [He leaps on his friend.] "How are we supposed to get ahead in life if you keep WRECKING EVERYTHING?" [His hat falls off, and Ed stares.] "What're you lookin at?" [Ed pokes the top of Eddy's head.] "Get your finger off my head, Ed."
Ed: [taking Eddy to the pond] "I spy with my little eye." [We look at Eddy's reflection and see a red bump popping up under one of his hairs.] "Something that is red."
Eddy: "What's that?"
Ed: "I seen this before, Eddy! I forget where." [He licks his jacket sleeve.] "Let's rub it!"
[Ed proceeds to rub the wet sleeve back and forth on Eddy's head. When he puts Eddy down, the top of his head is flattened and blurred, although the bump and his three hairs still stick up.]
Ed: "There you go."
Edd: [cleaning Eddy up] "Really, Ed, that's so unsanitary. May I have a look?" [He uses a magnifying glass to examine the bump.] "Why Eddy, it's nothing more than a pimple." [Eddy looks scared.] "Congratulations! It seems puberty has opened your door to adulthood!"
Eddy: "I'M TOO HANDSOME TO HAVE ZITS, DOUBLE D!" [He uses Edd to cover the blemish.] "What if somebody sees me?"
Edd: "Oh please, Eddy. Pimples are a natural phase of growing up, as normal as Mother's charcoal filter shoe inserts."
Ed: "Oh, I make a game out of mine, Eddy. 'Cause I'm productive. You can play connect-the-dots."
[Ed lifts the back of his jacket and shirt to reveal that he does indeed have bacne.]
Ed: "See? It's a boat."
Jonny: [offscreen] "Okay, I'm watchin, Plank!"
Ed: "Hey Jonny, come and look at Eddy!" [He runs to fetch Jonny.]
Eddy: "Aah!" [He runs away.]
Edd: "Ed?"

[Eddy looks out from the bush in which he his hiding. Jonny and Plank are now here.]
Edd: "Don't you think you should respect Eddy's sensitivity to this matter?"
Ed: "Not a problem. Mum's the word, Double D."
[Ed proceeds to get Eddy out of his hidey-hole.]
Eddy: "Hey, what're you doing? Stop that!"
Ed: "Do not look at Eddy, Jonny."
Jonny: "Hey Eddy! What happened to your head?"
Eddy: [using his hands to cover his pimple] "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Jonny: [lifting Eddy's hands] "Is that a zit?"
Eddy: "Uh..." [He covers his pimple again.] "No."
Jonny: "You look like a lighthouse, Eddy!"
Ed: "Or even a one-humped camel, huh Jonny?" [Eddy backs away.]
Jonny: "Plank says, Eddy should join a circus!"
Ed: "Yeah. Eddy's already pitched the tent on his head."
Edd: "Stop it, you two! Can't you see Eddy's already having a difficult time with–"
[Edd looks around. Eddy is nowhere to be found.]
Edd: [calling] "Eddy?"

[Eddy opens a drawer and looks around in it. He finds what he wants–a band-aid–and unpeels it. He then sticks it on his zit. The blemish immediately moves to the other side of his head. Eddy shoves it down, and it moves to the other side and shoves the band-aid off. Eddy then picks up a comb, worried. A knocking comes.]
Edd: "Eddy, are you alright?"
Eddy: "Just one minute." [He opens the door.] "Hey guys, whaddya think?" [He is wearing a toupee.] "Dad's rug really does the trick, huh?"
Ed: "Attack the wig!" [He goes at it with his teeth.]
Edd: "Ed! You're violating a hairpiece!"
Ed: "Wigs scare me, Double D."
Edd: "Eddy, we're wasting time." [He pushes in a chair and carries a doctor's bag.] "Have a seat, please. I have a cosmetic remedy that's sure to hide your papule problem."
Eddy: "Oh great. Now I've gotta wear makeup?"
Edd: [placing a contraption on Eddy's head] "I've constructed a special bib, in case of spillage."
[Edd proceeds to clean the pimple.]
Edd: "Nice. Let us begin, shall we? This foundation should conceal your small inflammatory swelling."
Eddy: [as foundation is applied] "I feel like a sissy."
Edd: [finishing up] "Well would you look at that. It's hardly noticeable, isn't it, Ed?" [The pimple is obvious, and even appears larger.]
Eddy: [after a long wait] "Well?"
Ed: [stamps a plunger on top of the zit] "I claim this planet in the name of Ed! Bringer of bacon."
Eddy: "Outta the way, lemme see."
[Eddy goes up to the mirror and looks. He removes the plunger from his head. The zit is still very obvious. Suddenly, it triples in size, so that it is about a tenth the size of Eddy's head.]
Eddy: "It grew! The zit's getting bigger, Double D!"
[Eddy's righteous indignation turns to a surprised fear when he finds that he's talking to Kevin, who has suddenly appeared in his bathroom.]
Kevin: "Check it out! I don't know which head to look at!"

[Outside, Jonny has set up a freak show scam, where for only 25¢ you can see Eddy's zit.]
Rolf: [giving Jonny a quarter] "Rolf must see this blemished outcast, yes?"
Jonny: "Knock yourself out, Rolf! We're making a killing, Plank!"
Rolf: [as he, Kevin, and Nazz surround Eddy] "Oh, Rolf has seen this many times in the Old Country."
Nazz: "Eddy, you don't look so good."
[On cue, Eddy's zit swells up to even greater heights.]
Sarah: "I think I saw it move!"
Kevin: "This is where I'm gonna bust a gut!"
[All the kids start to laugh. Eddy's pimple swells again. It is now half the size of his head.]
Kevin: "Don't get too close, it might pop!"
Jonny: "Gee Plank, I'm not sure if we can take Eddy out on the road."
Ed: "Boy Eddy, your zit's really getting big."
Edd: [not joining the onlookers] "All this attention seems to be irritating Eddy's blemish."
Eddy: "LEAVE ME ALONE!" [He runs away.]
Edd: "Eddy, wait!"
Kevin: "There goes the ugly dorkling!"
[The kids, including Ed and excepting Edd and Rolf, laugh at Kevin's pun.]
Edd: "ARE WE JUST ABOUT DONE?!" [The room falls into stunned silence.]

Edd: [throwing open the front door] "Please leave in an orderly manner!" [Most of the kids leave, cowed by Edd.] "In all my years, I have never seen such deplorable behavior over one's elevation of the skin!"
Kevin: [smug] "Man, Eddy's got a real honker, huh, Double Dweeb?"
Ed: [depressed] "Tootle-oo, Double D."
Edd: [exasperated] "Not you, Ed." [Ed happily comes back.]
Rolf: [from inside] "Ed-boys. Rolf has great sympathy for the two-headed ogre. Escort the Ed-boy to Rolf's at one hour. You shall not be disappointed!" [He leaves.]
Edd: "Eddy?" [Eddy has barricaded himself in his room.] "Rolf's gonna help, Eddy. Eddy?"
Ed: "Allow me, Double D. Ed's going fishing." [Ed reaches under the door and pulls out the bed, the dresser, and a chair.]
Edd: "Um, Ed?"
Ed: "Here we go. It's a whopper, Double D!" [He pulls out Eddy.]
Eddy: "Rolf scares me."
Edd: "You can count on me for support, Eddy."
Ed: "Who brought the tartar sauce!"

[Edd peeks out Eddy's front door. Seeing nothing, he signals for Eddy to follow him. Eddy is dressed in a makeshift robe. Ed brings up the rear. Suddenly, a batch of camera flashes go off.]
Sarah: "Over here, weirdo!"
Kevin: "Nasty."
Jonny: "Get a close-up, Plank! Woo-hoo!"
Jimmy: "Wait! You're all in the way of my composition!"

[The scene is then told in snapshots.]
Edd: "No! Stop! Wait!"
[A shot of the Eds taken by surprise is followed by a pair of shots of Ed taking pictures of himself.]
Ed: "Out of the way, citizen!"
[Next it is seen that Sarah has stripped Eddy of his robe, and the zit is fully exposed. Through all this, screams from the Eds can be heard.]
Sarah: "See what I got?"
[After Sarah's portrait, Eddy is seen running for his life, paparazzi chasing him towards Rolf's.]
Eddy: "I'm a minor! STOP! Mommy!"
Edd: "You all need help!"
[The Eds finally reach Rolf's house, and Rolf fends the photographers off.]

Rolf: [slamming the door] "Vultures!" [carrying Eddy] "Come, my pustuled friend, we must begin. Please, marinate in the lard." [He puts Eddy in a barrel.] "Don't go away now!"
Ed: [entranced] "I wish I had a zit."
Edd: "Ed, you have a boat on your back."
Rolf: "Move!" [He signals for them to move forward. Opening a drawer] "Rolf requires your assistance!" [He takes out a squid.] "Double D Ed-boy, massage the squid. Half-wit Ed-boy, grate the turnip." [He hands Edd the squid and Ed the turnip and a grater.] "Today Rolf will be showing you how to prepare Carbuncle of the Flesh Stew." [taking a fish head from the fridge] "An ancestral recipe handed down through many pimply-faced elders." [He sees Edd grating the turnip.] "Where is the squid?"
Ed: "Right here, Rolf!" [He proceeds to massage it by spinning it.]
Rolf: "Stop!" [Ed drops the squid.] "Oaf. Thank you. Now we add one softened squid and stir. Careful not to bruise the fish entrails! Good, yes? Last we add the Pickled Towel of Mirth and let simmer for 14 days and 14 nights."
Eddy: [outraged] "What? Fourteen days?"
Rolf: "Do not fester, as Rolf has thought ahead, and premade this stuff."
[Ed applauds.]
Rolf: [approaching Eddy with the towel] "Are you ready for the anointment of the stew, Ed-boy?"
Eddy: "Will you hurry up? My arms are falling asleep!"
Rolf: "Okey-dokey! Be very still."
[Rolf lays the steaming towel over Eddy's head. He then waits a few moments before he rears back and kicks the barrel, sending it flying through the wall into his barnyard.]
[The barrel crash-lands and breaks. Eddy, blinded by the towel, gets up.]
Eddy: "What happened?" [Rolf shoves a box over his head.]
Rolf: "Silence! We must be quick!" [He puts a chicken in the box and slams it shut. Eddy is attacked by the fowl.]
Eddy: "Hey! What's going on? Who is that? IT HURTS! STOP! MY FACE! OW!"
Ed: "Eddy is so lucky. Do you think I can have a chicken peck at my head, Double D?"
[Rolf shoves Ed and Edd away]
Rolf: "Goodbye, as you may not see your friend for 24 hours. Rolf waits now."
[Rolf takes off his pants and goes over to a stump. He pulls out a pocketknife and begins carving at the wood.]

[It is the next day, and Rolf has carved the stump into a shoe. Ed and Edd arrive.]
Edd: "Rolf? We're here to pick up Eddy."
[Rolf looks at Edd blankly.]
Edd: "Eddy? Remember? You helped him with his pimple problem?"
Rolf: [remembering] "Oh, sure!" [He puts on his pants.] "Follow Rolf."

[Eddy's head is stuck in a giant tomato. Rolf reaches down to pull him out.]
Rolf: "You shall see the miracle of the stew."
Edd: "Tell me what happens, Ed." [He covers his eyes.]
Rolf: [holding out a mirror] "You have healed well, Ed-boy. Your head resembles what it once was."
[In the mirror, Eddy does look normal. However, once it is lowered, we see that his head has shrunken.]
Eddy: [in a high-pitched voice] "What happened to my head?!?"
Ed: "It is so puny!"
Edd: [takes out a notepad and pencil] "This is worthy of a Nobel Prize!"
Eddy: "What'd you do to me, you quack?!?"
Rolf: "Quack? I am Rolf."
Eddy: "You're a quack! Quack quack quack!"
Rolf: "I am not a duck, I am Rolf!"
Edd: "How did you know what ingredients would react in such a way as to come to this conclusion?"
Rolf: "What?"
Ed: "My turn for shrinkage, Rolf!"
Eddy: "Fix me!"
Edd: "Tell me!"
Ed: "Shrink me!"
Rolf: "Eh, stay back!" [He begins to run from the Eds.]
Eddy: "Get him!" [chasing Rolf, the other Eds gleefuly following] "Wait'll I get my hands on you! Fix my head, you quack!"
Ed: "He's strong!" [He laughs as they continue to chase Rolf.]

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide