Ed, Edd n Eddy

[The show opens with a shot of the candy store. We see that it is having a three-for-one sale on jawbreakers. Outside the plate-glass window, the Eds stare in unhappily.]
Eddy: "This stinks."
Ed: "Aaaaw!" [His mouth is pressed to the glass, the perfect expression of longing.]
Eddy: "A jawbreaker sale and we're flat broke! Wiped out! In the red!"
Ed: "Ouch."
[The store's bell rings and out walks Kevin, carrying three jawbreakers.]
Eddy: "Oh, uh, hiya, Kev." [He points to the sky.] "HOLY COW! Is that Nazz skydiving in a bikini?"
Kevin: [looking up] "No way! Where?" [Eddy ducks down, and the sound of zippers is heard.] "Yeah right. I'm on to ya, dork."
Eddy: [wearing Kevin's pants] "Boy, I guess I just need glasses or something." [Kevin walks away, wearing Eddy's pants.] "He didn't even know what hit him." [Eddy raises the jawbreaker to his mouth.] "What a chump. What a–" [Kevin appears behind Eddy and hits him with a jawbreaker, knocking Eddy skyward. The stolen pants and jawbreaker fall to Kevin.]
Kevin: "Oops. Pardon my reach."
[Eddy sails above the store and lands on a road. He skids to a stop between a sewer and a lamppost.]
Rolf: "Ah, may I borrow your rump?" [Rolf drops some papers on it and nails one to the lamppost.] "Yes, thank you."
Eddy: [somewhat dazed] "Hiya, Rolfy boy. Got any loose change?"
Rolf: "Not in this life, Ed-boy." [He walks away, leaving one of the sheets on Eddy's butt.]
Edd: "I found Eddy, Ed."
Ed: [pop up under Edd] "Why is Eddy wearing a diaper, Double D?"
Edd: "Well Ed, a diaper would be worthy of Eddy's character. But this posterior posting is a job placement. Seems Rolf's looking for a hired hand."
Ed: "Rolf lost his hand? Boy, that is sad, Double D."
Edd: "No, Ed. Rolf needs to hire someone. With pay."
Eddy: [interested] "Pay?"
Ed: "Maybe if Rolf wore a glove, no one would notice."
Eddy: [getting up] "Money?" [He runs after Rolf.]

[Rolf is about to put up another poster when Eddy rushes over.]
Eddy: "Reporting for duty and ready for work, Rolf! So uh, what kinda income we talking about?"
Rolf: "Poppycock! Rolf requires one with the backbone of a yak! This is no job for a jellyfish like yourself!"
Eddy: "Yeah, right! I don't work, but he does." [He turns Rolf's head towards Ed, who puts his shoes on his ears.]
Ed: "Polly wanna cracker! Arf, arf, arf! Tweet tweet tweet!"
Eddy: "Your new employee, Rolf. So, what's the job pay?"
Rolf: [knocking Eddy away] "Rolf must interview this job-seeker!"
Ed: "Arf arf–" [Rolf inspects his gums. Rolf then moves on to Ed's feet, which he tests with apples.]
Rolf: "Two in five seeds. Very good, yes?"
Eddy: "Very good, yes!"
Rolf: "You may work for Rolf, lacking a lower jaw Ed-boy."
Edd: "Congratulations, Ed!"
Rolf: "Have him report to Rolf in one hour."
[Eddy laughs giddily. Edd pats Ed's head and joins in. Soon, Ed begins to laugh happily as well.]

[Edd is fixing Ed breakfast. Eddy (once again wearing pants) paces hungrily.]
Eddy: "Jawbreaker sale, here we come."
Edd: "Nothing like a bowl of organically harvested oatmeal to start your day, Ed." [He places a bowl in front of Ed. Ed tries it as Edd lectures.] "Think of it! Responsibility. That's a sign of growing up, you know. A key to enter our social structure." [Ed tastes something he doesn't like.] "A tip of the hat. No, a flag waved to the world proclaiming, look at me, citizens! My name is Ed, working man! I like that. [Edd closes his eyes.] Why, if it wasn't for the working class, we'd still be living in caves!" [Ed subtly throws the rest of the oatmeal away.] "Now, I've taken the liberty to pack you a lunch. But no more than an hour, understand?" [Ed takes the lunchbox as Edd fiddles around making some last minute adjustments to his appearance.] "Punctuality shows you're a real go-getter. Be courteous, and tackle each task to the best of your ability. Watch your posture, and use soap when you wash your hands." [Ed leaves.]
Eddy: "Hey, and find out how much you're making, willya?"
Ed: "Bye, dear!"
Edd: "He's on his own now, Eddy. Ready to carve his niche in this dog-eat-dog world we call home."
[Ed walks to a car parked in the driveway and gets in. He starts the engine, and Eddy laughs. Edd is scared.]
Edd: "Ed, no, you're too young to drive!" [He runs towards Ed.]

[Ed walks up to Rolf's door. Just before he reaches it, he trips. Instead of getting up, Ed lies on the pavement.]
Ed: "Ding dong." [Victor is heard bleating.] "Ding dong." [Victor bleats again.] "Ding dong." [Rolf opens the door.] "I brought my lunch, boss."
Rolf: "You are here to fill the position of nincompoop, yes? No?"
Ed: "That's me."
Rolf: "Then why do you not use..." [points to a hole in the fence] "...The Nincompoop Entrance?!"
Ed: [breaking through the fence] "Okey-dokey!"
Rolf: [in the backyard] "Greetings, nincompoop! Welcome to Rolf's." [He stares at Ed quizzically.] "No need for this." [He tears off Ed's tie.] "Or this." [He ruffles Ed's combed hair. Edd and Eddy observe this from the fence, Eddy laughing at this.] "Oh and this must go. Say bye-bye to this. And let us add a little color." [He throws some mud on Ed's undershirt and gives him some work boots.] "The safety apparatus shall be deducted from your pay."
Eddy: [peeks out from the tree outraged] "Deducted?"
Rolf: "Yes, deducted! Are you going to cry, nincompoop?"
Ed: [looking at his boots] "No way, they're cool."
Rolf: "Good. Follow Rolf."
[Ed struggles to put on his shoes. When he does get them on, he starts walking backwards. It seems that Ed has put his boots on backwards. Edd leans out of a tree in which he and Eddy are hiding and turns Ed around. Eddy then hops down.]
Eddy: "What a cheapskate! He ain't deducting nothing." [He goes to talk to Rolf.]
Edd: "Eddy, let Ed learn from his mistakes."
Eddy: "Forget it! Rolf's trying to rip me off. I want my money!"
[Eddy runs off. Edd ties himself to a tree as part of a scheme he's just hatched.]

[Rolf and Ed are in the shed.]
Rolf: "Behold the potato! Bow to this fruit of the earth, then peel it! As if it were the last task of your miserable life!"
[Ed tries to peel it using his thumbs and gets nowhere. Rolf slaps him silly.]
Rolf: "Nincompoop! Must I hold your hand?"
Ed: "Nope. Went before we got here, boss."
Rolf: "The proper tool must be used to peel the honorable spud, nincompoop." [He takes a potato peeler from a box of tools.] "A rental fee shall be deducted from your pay."
Eddy: [held back by Edd] "What?"
Edd: "Oh, dear." [The rope snaps back, sending Eddy sailing into the tree and Edd against it.]

[The peeler lands next to Ed. Ed tries to peel the potato, but cannot get a grip. Rolf watches Ed's every move.]
Rolf: "TODAY, nincompoop, TODAY!"
[Ed manages to get a small peeling off of the potato.]
Ed: "Not bad, huh boss?"
[Rolf picks up the potato skin and looks at it.]
Rolf: [irate] "Nincompoop! The waste from this peel could feed an entire village for a week!" [He flicks it at Ed.] "Pay deduction."
Eddy: [offscreen] "WHAT?!?"
[Rolf, hearing this, looks outside. Seeing nobody, he steps back into the shed.]
Rolf: "Peel every potato, nincompoop, before Rolf returns, or, you're fired!" [He slams the shed door.]
Ed: "I'm on it, boss!" [He sets to work, only to launch his current potato out of his hands.]
[The door creaks open, and Edd and Eddy enter.]
Eddy: "Ed, get paid yet?"
Edd: "Eddy, we're interrupting Ed's work!"
Ed: "Hiya, kids! Say, you guys catch that show last night about the world's biggest toenails guy? Now that's the life, huh?"
Eddy: "Hey Lumpy, you got enough potatoes there to feed a–"
Ed: "Village? Got that right. Peel every one before boss gets back or I get fired."
Eddy: [alarmed] "Fired? Double D, we have to help Ed finish peeling those potatoes. [closes the shed door as they come in] Before that slave-driver shows up."
Edd: "Well uh, I'd hate to see Ed's resume blemished by a dismissal." [He fishes a hairpin from his hat and winds it into an L. Edd places it around his finger, takes a potato, and peels off the skin.] "Voilà. Neat, trim, and ready for the compost heap."
Eddy: "That's real pretty, Double D, but we only got ten zillion more to peel!"
Ed: "Fruit of the Earth!"
Eddy: "Come on!" [He grabs Edd's hand.] "What's with this thing? A hairpin?"
Ed: [peeling a potato] "Yep. Seen better heads on a potato, Double D."
Edd: "Oh, really?"

[Rolf opens the shed door and enters.]
Rolf: "The time of reckoning has come, nin...com...poop?"
[Rolf stops. In front of him is a contraption which washes, peels, and slices the potatoes, turning them into french fries ready for the fryer.]
Ed: "Just four more, boss!" [He adds three potatoes into the traffic cone. The potatoes pop onto the big tire while the peels come out of the funnel. The watering can cleans the potatoes as they are led to a fan that blows them to the next step.]
Edd: "Do you like it, Rolf? I think it's crackerjack, if I do say so myself."
Rolf: [angry] "Have you stripped the thread of a screw? No visitors! Pay deduction for you!"
Eddy: [holding a tennis racket that slices the potatoes] "Hey, will you quit doing that!? [shows the wheelbarrow full of fries] Check out what a great job we did. Julienned and ready to fry."
Rolf: [drops the notepad and pencil and lunges towards the fries] "THIS CANNOT BE! [picks up a fry] The spud has been shamed."
Ed: "Yo, boss! Am I a nincompoop or what?"
Rolf: [pointing to the fry] "I deduct this from your pay!"
Eddy: "You can't do that!"
Rolf: "Rolf is boss. Rolf makes the rules. Nincompoop, present yourself!"
Eddy: [grabbing Ed] "Ed, stop! You stay right here."
Rolf: [grabs Ed by the ear and pulls him away] "Nincompoop, obey Rolf."
Eddy: [holding Ed back] "Who you gonna listen to, Ed?"
Rolf: "He will listen to Rolf, or no pay for nincompoop!"
[Eddy, steamed, lets Rolf carry Ed out of the shed.]
Ed: "Tell me a story, boss."

[Eddy is marching in front of Rolf's house with Kevin, Nazz, Jonny, and Plank watching. He has formed a one-man picket line. Apparently, Ed is on strike.]
Eddy: [chanting] "Rolf's a jerk. Ain't gonna work. Rolf's a jerk. Ain't gonna work. Rolf's a jerk."
Jonny: "We hate broccoli!"
[Everyone stares at Jonny quizzically, then Eddy resumes his picketing.]
Eddy: "Ain't gonna work!"
Edd: "This is so embarrassing."
Kevin: "I'm gonna ask Rolf what's up." [He tries to cross the picket line and is tackled by Eddy.]
Eddy: "Hey! You can't cross the picket line!" [Kevin rolls him over.]
Kevin: "Says who?"
Nazz: "Kevin!"
Kevin: "Nazz?" [He gets off Eddy.]
Nazz: "According to the Workers' Rights Act, Subsection E, Paraphrase IV, Eddy is entitled to express formal protest as to wherefore must be totally respected." [Edd, Kevin, and Eddy stare at her, stunned.] "Babysitters gotta know this stuff." [She walks away.]
Kevin: "Dorks." [He leaves.]
Edd: "Really, Eddy. Labor disputes like yours and Rolf's require a mediator. A referee, if you will."
Eddy: [pushing Edd to the house] "Go blow your whistle, Mr. Referee! I got a nuisance to make outta myself."
Edd: "He's so stubborn."
[Edd goes to knock on the door. Rolf opens the door right as he's about to knock, and Edd barely avoids punching Rolf in the face.]
Edd: "Oh, hello, Rolf!"
Eddy: "Rolf's a jerk! Ain't–" [Edd enters.] "Rolf's letting him in!"
[Eddy sneaks over to the window. Inside, it seems as if the dispute is not going well.]
Rolf: "You have broken the trust of the son of a shepherd!"
Edd: "This has gone on far enough."
[Although Eddy cannot make out most of the words at this point, it is obvious that Rolf is angry. Edd will say something calmly. Rolf's response will be angry. Edd will then reply in a calm tone. Rolf will, again, be angry. Eddy presses his ear to the glass.]
Edd: "As I was saying–"
Rolf: "Did you catch my drift?"
Edd: "You see my point."
Rolf: "Vey sheshor!"
Ed: "Eggs eggs eggs eggs."
[The three exit the house.]
Rolf: "Rolf agrees. This agreement is very agreeable, yes? No hard feelings, eh, nincompoop?"
[Rolf gives Ed a jawbreaker.]
Rolf: "And one for you, head-in-sock Ed-boy." [Edd gets one as well.]
Edd: "Why thank you, but I can't. Why, I'd feel much better if I had earned it."
Rolf: "The more, the merrier!" [Eddy runs up and knocks his friends away.]
Eddy: "Stretch! Forget me?"
Rolf: [sighing] "You want, yes?"
Eddy: "I'd do anything for it, Rolf."

[Rolf, carrying a goat, walks up to Ed, who is now in a managerial position.]
Rolf: "Tell me the progress of the laborers, turkey eyes."
Ed: "Well, yep. Let's see here, boss." [He looks at his clipboard.] "This guy I got no problems with." [He points to Edd, who turns and salutes. Edd has finished cleaning a chicken coop, and the coop sparkles.]
Edd: "Double D, waiting for orders, turkey eyes, sir."
Ed: "But then there's the sad sack, boss." [He points to Eddy, who hasn't even started on his coop.] "A real slowpoke. Trouble with a capital R."
[Eddy kicks the coop and a hen flies out. It starts to chase him.]
Eddy: "Help! I hate chickens!"
Rolf and Ed: "Hey, nincompoop!" [They smile at each other.]
Rolf: "You've learned well, turkey eyes." [He walks away.]
Eddy: "Stop the chicken, Ed!"
Ed: "Nincompoop! I'm deducting your pay 'cause you're a nincompoop! Pretty good, huh Double D?"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide