Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Plank is leaning against a bookshelf in the library, reading a book entitled "Mind Control: A Prepubescents Guide." Jonny is next to him on a beanbag, looking dazed and stupid. In front of them sit Rolf and Kevin, doing their homework. Sarah's voice wafts over.]
Sarah: "The little fairy, so little was she, her boat fit snugly inside a pea."
Jimmy: "Inside a pea? Dreamy!"
Sarah: "She sailed to the fairy kingdom in the clouds, past the diamond stairwell through a garden of doves."
Kevin: [writing] "Garden...of...doves." [He does a double-take, realizing he screwed up his homework.]
Jimmy: [pointing out the window] "Oh look, Sarah! I think I see her boat!"
Kevin: "Pipe down! If I don't finish this stupid geography essay I'm off the team, man!"
Sarah: [ignoring him] "Eeh." [loudly] "She turned and waved Mindy the Mermaid goodbye! Fluttered her wings and flew into the sky!"
Sarah and Jimmy: [loudly] "Little am I, but I sure can fly! Try to keep up with me, try try try!"
[Jimmy runs around. He jumps on Kevin's table, scattering the homework, then runs around the library.]
Jimmy: "I'm flying! Whee!" [A geography textbook nails him on the back of the head.]
Kevin: [retrieving his text] "Grow up, squirt. All that fairy tale stuff's a load of baloney."
Jimmy: "Fairy tales are not a load of baloney! They're real, golly gosh! You'll see! You'll see!"
[Rolf suspiciously looks at his pack. He picks it up, and a container of sliced bologna falls out. He puts the meat back in and looks around.]
Rolf: [to himself] "How is it that the others know of Rolf's load of bologna?" [He looks around suspiciously.]

[The school bell rings. Eddy runs down a street, Ed's pants in his hands. On the other side, Ed follows, laughing as he plows through a pile of leaves. Edd, blushing, brings up the rear.]
Edd: "Ed? Eddy?" [A pair of hands reach out from a bush and pull him in.]
Eddy: [laughing] "Did you see the look on Nazz's face, Double D? I thought she was gonna throw up!"
Edd: [as Ed puts his pants back on] "Silly me. And here I thought we were beyond depantsing Ed in front of the cheerleaders."
Eddy: "You loved it, admit it."
[Edd falls out of the bush. He looks around and sees Jimmy, sitting on a rug on the grass.]
Jimmy: "Wait and see, Mr. Yum Yum. When my magic carpet flies, like this book says it can, Kevin will know once and for all that fairy tales do exist. Oh, you might need this." [He gives the toy a barf bag.] "I'll fly right through his window."
Eddy: [shaking the carpet in the air] "HEY ALI BABA! LOOK OUT! IT'S FLYING! ALL MAGIC LIKE! WATCH OUT!"
[Eddy drops the carpet.]
Ed: "Awwwwww..." [He picks up Jimmy.] "Don't count your beans before they hatch, little fella."
[He puts Jimmy's turban back on and walks away, signaling to Edd that Jimmy is crazy.]
Jimmy: "Oh, Ed! Not you too!" [He cries.] "Fairy tales do exist! Pixies, mermaids, and unicorns are real! WAAAHHH!"
[His tears fall on a picture, and the cheap ink melts off the page. Eddy pushes the book away.]
Eddy: [sympathetic] "Hey, buddy. It's all right. Turn that frown upside down. What's Kev know? Just so happens, I saw a unicorn in the woods this very morning, Jimmy, my boy."
Jimmy: [excited] "You did, Eddy? Really?"
Eddy: "Whaddya say you and me go see it?"
Jimmy: "Ooh ooh!" [He nods.]
Edd: "Yes, of course! That's a splendid idea, Eddy! That would certainly make Jimmy–I mean, Kevin, see the truth in fairy tales."
[Edd and Eddy smile, and Jimmy hugs them.]
Jimmy: [softly] "Thank you, Eddy."
Eddy: "No problemo, curlicue."
Ed: "Don't forget me, kids." [He squeezes into the hug.]
Eddy: "Why don't you meet me in the woods in an hour?"
Jimmy: "With bells on my toes!" [He scurries off.]
Edd: "Eddy, that was a very, very sweet thing to do for young Jimmy. I'm so proud of you!"
Eddy: "That's just the kind of guy I am, Double D. I'm all heart. Right, Ed?"
Ed: "Beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more you eat the more–"
Eddy: "Shut up, Ed!" [He drags Ed away.]

[Rolf is dragging his sack of bologna down the street when Kevin pulls up next to him.]
Kevin: "Hey Rolf, what's in the bag? Lot of homework tonight, huh."
Rolf: [nervous] "Yes, homework. Rolf has much–homework. Certainly not a load of bologna, no no."
[Kevin looks at him silently.]
Rolf: "We have finished talking, goodbye!"

[Eddy, using a hockey stick as a machete, leads Jimmy through the woods. Jimmy follows nervously. Suddenly he trips.]
Eddy: "Look out for those gold-dusted unicorn hoofprints!"
[Jimmy has indeed tripped over marks left behind by horseshoes.]
Jimmy: [following the trail] "Be still my beating heart! Am I schvitzing? I AM! I AM, EDDY!" [Eddy stops Jimmy with his hockey stick.]
Eddy: "Quiet, you'll scare it."
[Jimmy looks at a hill. Over the rise comes the figure of a majestic unicorn.]
Jimmy: "Fairy tales are true!"
Eddy: "Hold up! I could've sworn I had some rare unicorn food around here somewhere. Oh looky! A magical unicorn cracker!" [He holds it up.]
Jimmy: "Ooh!"
Eddy: "Only a quarter." [Jimmy pays.] "Feed the unicorn, Jimmy!"
[Jimmy rushes up to the unicorn. Up close, it is obvious that the unicorn was a fake; in fact, the rainbow and mushrooms around it are poorly made props. Jimmy doesn't notice, though; he climbs on the unicorn's back and hugs it.]
Eddy: [trying to pull Jimmy off] "Hey hey hey! Relax there, slugger!"
Jimmy: "But I haven't fed him yet!"
Eddy: "Hugging costs extra!"
[The seams on the unicorn's neck give, and Jimmy falls onto Eddy. The head comes off and lands in front of Jimmy, who screams. He looks at the unicorn. Ed's head is poking out of its neck. As he watches, the tail gets ripped off, and Edd pops out.]
Edd: "Gracious, Ed! You could have at least left your shoes on!" [He spots Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "AAAAAHHH! Kevin was right! Fairy tales aren't true!" [He walks out of the scam, crying despondently.] "It's all a lie. A lie. All of it."
Eddy: "It ain't my fault that fairy tale stuff's a LOAD OF BALONEY!!!"

[Eddy's yell echoes through the woods. Rolf, who is carrying his pack through the semi-wilderness, stops.]
Rolf: [nervous] "Everyone is after Rolf's load of bologna!" [He drops the pack.] "YOU SHALL NOT HAVE IT!" [Rolf begins to devour the meat.] "It is Rolf's alone!"

[Sarah is making faces in a mirror. The doorbell rings, and she gladly rushes down to open it.]
Sarah: [smile disappearing] "Jimmy? Is that you?"

[Edd is walking down the lane sadly. In front of him walk Ed, with Eddy perched on his head.]
Eddy: "C'mon, Double D! Candy store's a-waitin'!"
Ed: "And it's waiting a lot!" [quickly] "Big butt."
Eddy: "Huh? What's that supposed to mean? I ate a big breakfast. So what?"
[Edd gazes at the quarter.]
Edd: [remorseful] "Found in shame! Gorged in guilt! Oh, I will not sleep this, nor any other night, knowing I had a hand in ruining Jimmy's innocent enchantment of fairy tales!" [The Eds walk by a broken fence.]
Eddy: "Ah, he'll get over it. Kinda reminds me of the day my brother told me cartoons weren't real."
Ed: [shocked] "Say it isn't so, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Yep, growing up sure stinks." [He rounds the corner and a fist punches him into a dumpster.]
Ed: "Sarah, guys."
Sarah: [pushing Ed back] "Jimmy's a zombie because of your stupid unicorn trick!"
Ed: [excited] "A zombie? Ed must touch zombie!"
[Sarah pulls Eddy out and slams him into Ed's back repeatedly, making Eddy shout painful gibberish.]
Sarah: "You better fix him–" [slam] "–before sundown, or you're–" [slam] "–dog meat!"
[Sarah ties Eddy to Ed.]
Sarah: [to Edd] "GOT IT?"
Edd: "Sarah, I assure you that my only wish to make things right!"
Eddy: "No it isn't!"
[Sarah kicks Eddy over, and Ed topples onto him.]
Eddy: [strangled] "I meant yes, yes we will! Make it. Where is the little guy? I miss him so."

[Jimmy is sitting on a pile of leaves. A dark cloud hangs over his head. Suddenly, Eddy is thrown onto the playground, a rope tied around him. He is dressed like a fairy.]
Eddy: [falsetto] "Hi, little fellAAAAAAAAAAA!"
[He is swooped away. Ed is having trouble controlling the rope that lets Eddy fly.]
Edd: "Concentrate, Ed! Fairies are supposed to float daintily!"
Eddy: "ED!"
Edd: "Not flounder haphazardly."
[Eddy swings into a wire fence, which sends him crashing to the ground in front of Jimmy.]
Eddy: [muttering] "Why, you dirty–" [falsetto] "I'm the littlest fairy! Ting! With a spell to cheer you up all bright and merry!"
Jimmy: [grumpy] "You don't exist!"
Eddy: [normally] "And?"
[Jimmy gets up and walks away.]
Ed: "It's not working, Double D! Jimmy's cloud won't go away!" [Edd is no longer there.] "Double D?"
[Edd approaches Jimmy, dressed as a mermaid.]
Edd: "A tide of joy comes your way." [He presses a button on a boom box.] "I'm Alanis, mermaid of the sea. A mythological goddess to help guide you through–" [Jimmy presses another button.]
Jimmy: "You're not real!" [He storms away.]
Ed: [as a gnome] "Here I go." [He stands in front of Jimmy.] "Yucca yucca yucca. I'm Nug the gnome, and I–" [He peers at Jimmy.] "And I tickle the feet of sad little–"
Jimmy: [shoving Ed away] "Go away, charlatan!"
[Ed, stumbling backwards, trips over something sticking out of the ground. Jimmy picks it up; it is a golden horseshoe. He dusts it off on his shirt.]
Jimmy: "What irony is this? A horseshoe made of pure gold?"
Eddy: [excited] "Gold, you say?"
Jimmy: [staring coldly at the gold horseshoe] "As gold as the toes of my once-beloved unicorn creature! But fairies and unicorns no longer exist to me! Nothing but torrid lies! This 24-carat shoe is nothing but a reminder of my gullible youth!"
Eddy: "T-tell you what! If it's wearing you out so much, I'll give you a quarter for it!"
[He hands Jimmy a quarter and runs back to Edd, ecstatic.]
Eddy: "Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rolling in dough! I can retire now! Look! It's mine!"
[The storm cloud over Jimmy's head abruptly disappears. It seems Jimmy has tricked Eddy.]
Edd: [peering at the shoe] "Perhaps you may want to have a closer look, Eddy."
Eddy: "What?"
Edd: [turning it over] "I'm afraid this is nothing more than a plastic dental retainer painted with gold nail polish."
[The smile slowly drops from Eddy's face.]
Ed: "Horses don't have teeths on their feet, Double D."
[Jimmy giggles.]
Ed: "Jimmy's happy again."
Edd: "Indeed."
Eddy: [advancing on Jimmy menacingly] "What?! You backstabbing little weasel! Gimme back my quarter!" [He has come to stand on an X marked with tape.] "What's the X for?"
[Sarah peeks out from behind a tree and takes a photo.]
Sarah: "Got the fairy creatures' proof, Jimmy!" [She tosses it to Kevin, who was hiding behind another tree.]
Kevin: "Whoa! Say, Fluffy, you sure made a believer out of me, dude! I better go spread this with the others at school. They'll sure want to see this!" [He bikes off, ready to completely humiliate the Eds.]
Eddy: [desperate] "No wait! Kev! Come back!"
[He stops chasing Kevin. Sarah and Jimmy run out of the park, giggling happily.]
Edd: [amazed] "They were all part of an ingenious elaborate hoax."
Eddy: [unintentionally self-referential] "All that for a stupid quarter! How desperate can you get?"
Edd: [breaking the fourth wall] "Well, best prepare our fairy tale for school tomorrow. It's gonna take a lot of explaining to get out of this plot hole."
[A dark cloud appears over Eddy's head.]
Eddy: "What a load of baloney!"

[Rolf is in the woods, stomach swollen and body sated. Meat juice lies behind him, but the meat is gone.]
Nazz: "Rolf? Are you okay? You don't look so good."
Rolf: "Too late, vultures. Rolf has taken care of his load of bologna!" [He slaps his stomach.] "For good!"
[Rolf burps, and Nazz, disgusted, leaves.]
Jonny: "Rolf's a hoot, huh Plank?"
Rolf: [stomach aching] "Mama. A purging for Rolf. I beg you!"

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old, In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed?" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide