Tight End Ed/Script

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Script

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[Nazz, in her cheerleading uniform, somersaults over a bench and poses.]
Nazz: "Razzle-dazzle, make em cry! Peach Creek Cobblers, sock 'em in the eye! Yeah!"
Sarah and Jimmy: [Sarah on Jimmy's head] "Go, Cobblers!"
[Sarah slips on Jimmy's sweaty hair and falls to the ground.]
Jimmy: "Ow!"
[The football players gather around and laugh. The team is composed of Rolf,the Eds, Jonny, and Plank.]
Kevin: [in uniform, angry at the team] "All right you maggots, listen up." [Eddy yawns.] "Tonight we're playing against our rival school, the Lemon Brook Lumpers. We need to crush em with our defense, and dominate em with our offense." [to Rolf] "Got it?"
Rolf: "Rolf knows of this offense! As Nana has the body odor of a well-fermented yak!"
Kevin: "Gimme that pigskin!" [He gets in a three-point stance.] "Watch and learn."
[Kevin takes off and slams into a tackling dummy. He strains against it for a few seconds before releasing.]
Kevin: "Killer!" [to the team] "Right, show me what your made of. Hustle hustle hustle!"
[Jonny runs into a dummy and bounces off woth Plank now in place of his head. Rolf simply walks up to another one.]
Kevin: "Hit it, man, hit it!"
[Rolf bends the dummy over, takes out a paddle, and spanks the rubber.]
Kevin: [to Ed and Edd, who are struggling] "Do you want those Lumpers to win? Come on, ladies, hit it!"
[Kevin walks over to Eddy, who is lounging against the last dummy.]
Kevin: "Pathetic. You dweebs don't have a backbone between ya." [He goes inside.]
Jonny: "Plank says no kidding, braniac!" [to Plank] "You sure told him, buddy!"
Edd: "I fear my athletic skills may not be up to Kevin's standards."
Eddy: [throwing his helmet away] "Who invented this game anyway? I'm only on this stupid team 'cause the uniform makes me look like a hunk." [Edd giggles.]
Marie: "Yoo hoo, Cobblers! Over here!" [The Kankers are on the bleachers, dressed in jerseys.]
May: "Hey Marie, do you smell something?"
Marie: "Why yes I do, May. What stinks, Lee?"
Lee: "I'll tell you what stinks, Marie. Peach Creek Cobblers stink." [The Kankers lift their shirts to reveal the words written on their stomachs.]
[Ed wrenches his head free from the dummy and looks at the stands.]
Ed: "KANKER BELLIES!" [He jams his fists into his eyes and runs in circles.] "Be gone, jelly-bellied Jezibels!"
[Ed runs into a dummy. The Kankers throw trash at the players.]
Marie: "Washouts!"
May: "Losers! Losers!"
Lee: "Aw, nobody hit the bald kid!"
Nazz: "Wow." [She and her cheerleaders are at the base of the bleachers.] "It's like we don't even exist. How are we supposed to win the big game tonight if nobody's got any school spirit?"
Ed: "Mutant bellies from Hades!"
[Ed trips over a discarded apple core. This sends him spinning. Ed spins up the bleachers and slams into the Kankers and their trash can. They all fly off the bleachers. The Kankers disappear, but Ed runs into a tree, which catapults him back onto school grounds. The kids cheer.]
Ed: [dancing on a bench] "Look at me, my vict'ry dance. Shake it like you've got ants in your pants!" [He then hands the cheerleaders off.] "A B D, one two three, my butt's bigger than a small country! Alley-oop!"
[Ed leaps in the air and comes down in the water barrel. All the kids except Sarah cheer.]
Eddy: "Hey Muttonhead, your small country sprung a leak!"
Nazz: "Ed! You're perfect, dude!"
Ed: "Who? What?"
Nazz: "You, silly. C'mon, I'm gonna show you something." [A saxaphone plays.]
Ed: "Where? Why?"

---

[Edd and Eddy are at Edd's house, eating spaghetti. While Edd twirls a forkful, Eddy tries to just pick it up. Each time he lifts his fork, the pasta falls off.]
Eddy: "How the heck are you supposed to eat this stuff?"
Edd: [raising his fork] "It's all in the wrist, Eddy."
Eddy: [dangling and wiggling a noodle] "What, like that?"
[Edd's back door creaks open. Ed steps in, sweaty and nervous. He closes the back door and walks to the table. Ed takes a seat between his friends, silent and scared.]
Eddy: "Where've you been?"
[Ed sweats.]
Edd: "Um, hungry Ed?"
[Ed sweats. Edd carries a plate over.]
Edd: "Here, have some hearty spaghetti. They're a cornucopia of energy-packed carbohydrates important before a big athletic event."
[Ed leans forward and sucks it all up in one long slurp. He then sits in the chair, sweating profusely.]
Eddy: [angry] "So? What did Nazz show ya, huh? Dish it."
[Ed's chair topples over with Ed in it.]
Ed: "I SWORE, EDDY! BIG SECRET! NAZZ SAID SO!!!" [Ed clamps his hands over his mouth.]
Edd: [looking at a clock] "Good lord! We're late for our game!"
Ed: "Late? Can't be! Um, shower! That's it. Shower for Ed."
[Ed leaps into the sink and goes down the drain.]
Edd and Eddy: [in unison] "Since when does Ed shower?"

---

[There are plenty of people in the stands right before the game.]
The Cheerleaders (Sarah, Nazz, Jimmy): "Go Cobblers! Go Cobblers! Go Cobblers! Yeah!"
[The football team bursts out of their locker room and takes places on the sideline. They stare across the field at the Lemon Brook Lumpers: giant, monstrous middle schoolers ready to destroy their rivals.]
Kevin: "They don't look so tough. I bet even you could sack that quarterback, Double Dweeb."
[Kevin slaps the nervous Edd on the back and Edd falls onto the field.]
Edd: "They certainly appear to have superceded the standard growth chart, haven't they?"
Plank:
Jonny: "Whaddya mean, are you in my will, Plank?"
Rolf: [calm] "All Rolf sees are teensy-weensy babies."
[The camera shifts down Rolf's body to reveal though his upper body is calm, his knees are knocking like crazy.]
Eddy: "Man, this is gonna hurt."
[A whistle blows. Kevin puts his helmet on and makes his way to the center of the field.]
Kevin: "Coin toss. Right on!"
Edd: [looking around] "Eddy, I'm concerned. Not only for my well-being, but for Ed. It's not like him to just disappear like this."
Jimmy: [cheering] "A blast from the past, now here to stay!"
Sarah: "Peach Creek Junior High's got something to say!" [Nazz pushes a cardboard oven out.]
Nazz: "Don't look now, he's on the move; our Peach Creeks got a brand new groove!"
[The oven bounces around a bit before the door pops open and Ed, in a cobbler costume, pops out.]
The Cheerleaders: "Yay, Cobblers! Go team go!" [The team looks on from the sidelines.]
Eddy: "Mascot?"
Edd: "Is that Ed?"
Ed: "It's a pie in the eye for Lemon Brook Junior High! The Lumpers are bad and they ain't got no chance, so go home and wet your pants!" [He kicks some dirt onto a Lemon Brook uniform.]
The Cheerleaders: "Yay, Cobblers! Go team go!"
Edd: [putting on his helmet] "So that's why Ed's been acting so secretive! He certainly has what it takes, don't you think Eddy?"
Eddy: [amazed] "They think he's great!" [to Nazz] "Hey! I should be the mascot! Don't you think? After all, I'm the life of the party! The jack of all trades!"
[A whistle blows, and the cheerleaders leave the field. The Lumpers trample downfield for the kickoff. The kick sails high against the bright blue sky.]
Kevin: "It's right to ya, man!"
[Kevin heads upfield to block. Edd catches the ball in the endzone. He looks up to see a giant body coming at him. The ball pops out and sails to Jonny.]
Jonny: [arm out for a handoff] "Take it in, Eddy! Eddy?" [He gives the ball to his best friend.] "Now's your chance, buddy!"
[Another body leaps onto Plank and Jonny. Kevin takes the ball away just in time.]
Kevin: "Quit slacking and cover for the missing dork!" [He hands the ball to Edd.] "Dork."
Edd: "Eddy? Oh, Eddy?"
[Edd gets plowed down by two defenders. He must have fumbled, as the Lumpers score a touchdown.]
Lee: [doing the wave with her sisters] "The Cobbler mascot–"
Marie: "–really is–"
May: "–cute!"
Lee and Marie: [punching May] "Lame!"
The Cheerleaders: "Cobblers, Cobblers, sis boom bah!"
[Eddy, wearing a hammer costume, knocks Jimmy out of the way.]
Eddy: [rapping] "I'm the Peach Creek Clobberer! I'm the best mascot you've seen! Forget about this old dope, he's just a has-bean!" [Eddy tries to club Ed, but the costume is tougher than he anticipated.]
Ed: [impressed] "Nice move, Eddy!"
Edd: "Eddy!" [He runs to the sideline.]
Jonny: "Run, Plank!"
Edd: "What on earth are you doing? You're supposed to be a–" [An errant pass hits him in the back.]
Kevin: "Keep your eye on the ball, Double Doofus! Get up, get up! Move it! Hustle! Today! Now!"
[Eddy steps out from behind the cheerleaders he was hiding behind. Sarah stomps on his foot, and the cheerleaders walk away. Suddenly, a hand grabs Eddy and pulls him forward.]
Ed: [happy] "Did Nazz make you a mascot too Eddy?"
The Cheerleaders: "Cover your ears and open your eyes! It's the Peach Creek Cobbler cannon fly!"
Ed: "Boy oh boy oh boy! That's me!"
[Ed tries to dive into the cannon, but Eddy pulls it away and stuffs himself inside.]
Eddy: "I'm the mascot! Clobberer guy, that's me!" [The cheerleaders storm off angrily.] "Want the best? Get rid of the rest!" [Eddy pulls the string, and the cannon shoots him forward five feet.]
Kevin: [to his disheveled teammates] "Cover your positions!"
[The Lumpers trample down the field, heading for Rolf.]
Rolf: "Curse your positions!"
[Whump. Another score goes up on the board for Lemon Brook.]

---

[The Cobblers' mascot has his head in an oven, hunting inside for something.]
Ed: "Dumper dumper duddeley do, I like peach cobbler, how about you!"
[Ed pulls out a bunch of cobblers, which he hands out to the audience.]
Lee: "Hey!" [The Kankers fight over their cobbler.]
Eddy: "Hey! I got stuff too!" [He goes to the oven and turns it over. Nothing comes out.] "Oh forget him! Look at me! I'm the mascot! I'm way better than him! I'M THE CLOBBERER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
[Kevin shoulders Eddy out of the way.]
Kevin: [to his cobbler-eating teammates] "What are you doing? There's a game going on and the other team's winning!"

---

[The scoreboard ticks over to 41-0, and then to the final score: 62-0, in favor of the Lemon Brook Lumpers.]

---

[It is a silent Peach Creek team that makes its way into their locker room after the game.]
Edd: "Well, gentlemen, it's not if you win or lose, it's how you play...as it were."
[The team glares at him angrily.]
Plank:
Jonny: "I don't remember playing that much either, buddy. But that mascot sure was a hoot!"
[Ed bursts in, still costumed.]
Ed: "Okay okay. When I say Peach Creek, you say Cobblers! Ready? Peach Creek!" [A shoe hits him.]
Kevin: [in his regular clothes] "End it. Now. Dork." [He goes home.]
Edd: [also normally clothed] "Never you mind him, Ed. You did a wonderful job as mascot today. You really lifted our school spirit."
Ed: "That was real swell of Eddy to take my place in the cannon, Double D."
[Ed and Edd exit the school.]
Ed: "He saved me a whole lot of soot in places I didn't even know I have."
Edd: [looking around] "Ed? Have you see Eddy?"
Ed: "Didn't you hear, Double D? Eddy was so good he got a job! Eddy's the new mascot for the Lemon Brook Lumpers! The Clobberer is a legend!"
[The Lemon Brook bus drives by. Eddy is taped to the back, and lemons are stuffed in his mouth. He pleads with his friends to help him.]
Edd: "Goodness gracious! Stop!" [He chases the bus.] "Stop the bus!"
[Edd falls back, but Ed gains on the bus. Eddy reaches out his hand, and Ed clasps it.]
Ed: [shaking hands] "See you at the mascot convention, Clobberer guy!"
[He lets go, and the bus drives off, Eddy strapped to the back, screaming in despair.]