This Won't Hurt an Ed/Script

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Script

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[It's another normal day of school at Peach Creek Jr. High. Edd is working in the nurse's office as an assistant. Currently, he is arranging items in a cabinet. Further down, his friends are bored. Ed sits on a chair and ties a blood pressure gauge around his head. Eddy uses a tongue depressor to dig wax out of his ear. Once done, he tosses it in a container with some clean ones. Edd looks at Eddy angrily and goes to toss away the depressors and refill the container with a fresh batch.]
Eddy: [to Ed, whose head has swelled] "Gee, nice head, Ed." [Ed floats to the ceiling.]
Edd: "Ed! That isn't the correct way to use the school blood pressure gauge!" [He tries to lower Ed.]
Eddy: "C'mon, I'm starving!" [He hops off the bench, and the paper sticks to him. Eddy tears the paper off and wads it up.] "Knock yourself out helping the school nurse, Sockhead, but it's Whopper Wiener Wednesday in the caf."
[Ed's gauge pops off once he is securely on the ground. The air escapes from his head with his shout onto Edd's face.]
Ed: "WHOPPER WIENER WEDNESDAY, DOUBLE D!"
[Ed's head completely deflates, the clock ticks over to noon, and Edd acquiesces.]
Edd: "Oh, very well then. I suppose some nourishment would be–wait." [He goes back to work, causing Eddy to slam the door in anger.] "Just a quick categorization of these cotton swabs and–"
[Eddy hears some cheers. Opening the door, he looks out. The kids burst out of the gym, carrying Kevin on their shoulders.]
Nazz: "One hundred free throws in a row!"
Jonny: "You're Plank's hero, Kevin!"
Kevin: [autographing Plank] "If you say so."
Plank:
Jonny: "Wowzers!"
Sarah: [holding a camera] "Over here, Kevin!"
Kevin: [enjoying the attention] "Aw, man." [She takes the photo.]
Sarah: [angry] "Get into it! Will ya?"
Kevin: "What, like this?"
[Kevin moves into a more action-like pose. Rolf then proceeds to repeatedly kick his butt just as Sarah takes the picture.]
Kevin: "Hey, man, what gives!"
Rolf: "Rolf honors Kevin with the Posterior Punt of Praise!"
Nazz: "Rah, Kevin!"
Jonny and Jimmy: [holding up a trophy] "KE-VIN! KE-VIN! KE-VIN! KE-VIN! KE-VIN! KE-VIN!"
[Eddy slams the door again.]
Ed: [using a stethoscope wrong] "Tick tock tick tock tick–" [Eddy throws him into the door.]
Eddy: "Look at those saps! It's like they worship him."
Edd: "Eddy. A poor self-image hath he that envies his fellow man's accolades."
Eddy: "Forget Acapulco! What makes stupid Kevin so special?"
Ed: [dangling a gloved foot in Eddy's face] "I bet Kevin can't do this!" [He stomps on the foot.] "Ouch!"
[Ed lifts his gloved foot, which is still under the other one, stretching the rubber glove taut. He then leans back against the rubber. When he releases the tension in his body, the glove sends his body flying forward and out of his pants. Ed zooms like a cannonball across the room and into a bookcase. Student files fall out.]
Edd: "Oh, dear! Do you have any idea how long it took me to–" [He sees Ed look away and uses a light to regain his focus.] "–to arrange in alpha-numerical order those confidential student medical files?" [Eddy picks up Kevin's file.] "Ed? Do you?"
[Eddy reads through the file.]
Ed: "Was it longer than a breadbox?"
Eddy: "Hey, listen to this! It says here old shovel-chin Kev is scared of needles!"
Edd: [snatching the file, horrified] "Eddy, no! You can't read this! That's Kevin's personal file." [He shelves it.]
[Eddy snickers and snatches Ed and two nurses uniforms.]
Edd: [back turned] "Trypanophobia, or as you so eloquently put it, scared of needles, is quite commonplace, Eddy." [He turns around to see his friends have left.] "Um..."

---

[Sarah, Jimmy, and Rolf are at a table in the cafeteria, eating hot dogs. Jimmy holds his up.]
Jimmy: "Weenie toast, Sarah!" [He and Sarah bump wieners.] "Look! It's him!"
[Kevin bursts into the cafeteria carrying a tray. Without stopping, he tosses it up and lands on it on the serving rack. He loads up his plate, surfing all the way. At the end, he jumps out, tray filled. The kids cheer.]
Jimmy: "He's so dexterous!" [kowtowing] "Would you like some ketchup, Kevin?"
Kevin: "After you, amigo." [He squirts his signature onto the hot dog.]
Jimmy: "I'm the luckiest boy in the world!"
[Jimmy holds the wiener aloft. Ed and Eddy throw open the doors. They are dressed in the nurses' uniforms.]
Ed: "Hello, students!" [He moves to walk in and trips.]
Kevin: "Well, if it ain't Florence Dorkendale and Nurse Twerpenstein." [The kids laugh.]
Eddy: "Oh, laugh it up. Nurse assistant Ed, it seems one of our students has yet to get his vaccination."
[The laughter stops abruptly.]
Eddy: "Lucky for him, today's booster shot day!" [He grins.]
Ed: "Hand 'em a leaflet, Lumpy!" [He throws the papers in the air, and they float down around the kids.]
Kevin: "What're you talking about? It ain't Booster Shot Day." [quietly] "Is it?"
Ed: "Tell 'em to line up in the gym, Bonehead! Did I do good, Eddy?"
Eddy: [whispering] "Shut up, stupid."
Ed: "That's my line, Eddy."
[Kevin looks at the leaflet, scared.]
Eddy: "Hey Rolf, that wiener looks dangerously hot. Let's poke it, just to make sure."
[He jams a meat thermometer into the hot dog. Kevin begins to shake. He turns white and faints.]
Jimmy: "Kevin fainted!"
Nazz: "Dude! Are you okay?"
Kevin: "Huh? What?" [getting up and stalling] "Uh. Say what? Oh, the coach. Yeah. Callin me. Gotta go. Right. See ya!"
Eddy: [gloating in front of the kids] "So much for mister hotshot jock boy! Tough guy's chicken of a lousy little needle!" [The kids, duped by Ed and Eddy, rush out of the cafeteria in a panic.] "Too rich!"
Ed: "NEEDLE?! RUN AWAY!"
[Ed bursts through the doors.]
Ed: "Evil pointy bad for Ed, Eddy!" [Eddy smashes his clipboard on Ed's head.]
Eddy: "Relax, Ed, you're not getting a needle. Nobody is! It's a joke, get it? On Kevin?"
Ed: "Not funny, Eddy."
[A locker slams down the hall, and Eddy turns to see Kevin walking away.]
Eddy: "Ding ding! Round two."

---

[Kevin walks down the hall, scared. He ducks into the bathroom and runs some water. He lets the sink fill and splashes some on his face.]
Kevin: [giving himself a pep talk] "Okay. Chill. It's no big deal, dude. It's just a dumb needle."
[Kevin leans on the mirror. He looks a little higher and sees a poster of someone getting impaled by a needle. The poster advertises Booster Shot Day.]
Kevin: "Oh man, that's gonna be me!"
[Kevin darts into a stall, his heart beating fast. The door creaks open, and Ed and Eddy step in.]
Eddy: "We'd better sterilize these sharp needles, Ed!"
Ed: "Say they're big, Monobrow!"
[Kevin clings to the toilet. He looks up and sees a vent. He uses it to make his escape. In the bathroom, Ed and Eddy laugh as they see him worm his way through the air ducts.]

---

[Kevin comes to a junction and decides to turn right. Ed suddenly bursts through a vent, a needle through his skull.]
Ed: "Needle! Brain! Ouch."
[Kevin turns back and moves much faster. Ed ducks out and removes the fake needle. He and Eddy laugh.]
Eddy: [leading Ed to the gym] "C'mon, Ed! Man, I'm good."
[Rolf and Nazz watch from a classroom, unsure as to what Ed and Eddy are doing.]

---

[Edd is carrying a stack of notes which he has bound. A bell rings.]
Edd: "Finally, tidied, organized, and filed. Now, to return this–" [He runs into a bent-over Jonny.]
Jonny: "Me and Plank are next, nurse assistant Double D!" [He pulls down his pants.]
Edd: [shocked] "Good lord, Jonny, make yourself decent, man!" [He soon does so.]
Nazz: [on the pay phone] "Mom? Like, I love you, okay. Like, just in case."
Sarah: [pushing forth an armor-clad Jimmy] "I heard those things could put a hole through a truck tire, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Owie Sarah!"
Rolf: [desperate] "Double D Ed-boy, Rolf begs you! Take this jar of Papa's filled spicy olive balls, and be quick with your pain-filled poke!" [He stuffs the jar in Edd's hat and joins the line in the gym.]
Edd: "What has gotten into everyone?" [Kevin rumbles past in the vents as Ed and Eddy sneak behind Edd with something in a sheet.] "What's this?" [He picks up a pamphlet.] "Booster shot day? Today?" [He looks through his book.]

---

[Kevin is sweatily working his way through the vents.]
Eddy: "Oh Kevin."
Ed: "There he is! Be a good boy and I'll give you a lollipop."
[Ed holds out a fuzzy lollipop before pulling the cover off of a gigantic fake needle. Kevin, spying it, breaks out of the vents and falls to the ground in front of the nurse's office.]
Eddy: [raising the needle] "Ah-ha!" [Kevin squirms into a corner.] "Stick out your arm, you big baby."
Kevin: "No way! Back off, man!"
Eddy: "Who's the big shot now, huh? Get it? Big? Shot? I'm too good!" [He shakes the needle and laughs. Edd arrives at the office.]
Edd: "Pardon me, Eddy, but there seems to be a tad of confusion on this Booster Shot Day?" [He holds out the book.] "I have no scheduled vaccinations on roster for today."
[Upon hearing this, the blood flows back into Kevin's face and his heart slows down.]
Kevin: "What?"
Eddy: "Well, it's wrong!" [He laughs.] "Here it comes!" [He laughs again.]
Edd: [leaping in front of Kevin] "Hold it right there, mister! I should have known you'd exploit poor Kevin's phobia for your depraved self-gratification!"
Ed: "A good buttock finds its own bench, Eddy."
[Edd and Eddy stare at Ed, confused.]
Edd: "Why, the whole school is in an uproar at your insidious prank!"
Jimmy: "AAAH!"
[Jimmy is looking out of the gym at the scene by the nurse's office. Rolf joins him at the door.]
Jimmy: "Look at the size of that poker! It's after me!"
[The kids panic and run out of the gym.]
Nazz: "Oh it's gonna hurt!"
Eddy: [to Edd] "Watch this! It'll kill you, Double D!"
[Eddy prods Kevin's arm with the contraption. Kevin doesn't react. Eddy does this two more times. He and Ed laugh, although Kevin is no longer scared; rather, he is very, very angry. He rolls up his sleeves and stands up.]
Kevin: "That was real funny, Dorky. So I guess it's my turn, right?" [He yanks the golf club from the fake needle.] "Kiss your face goodbye, loser!"
Eddy: [scared] "Wait, use Ed's face! He doesn't need it!"
Kevin: "Fore!"
Eddy: "Wait!" [he drags Edd in front of him] "Quick! Double D! Give him one of those health pamphlets or whatever you do!"
Kevin: [shaking with rage] "Move it or lose it, Double D."
Edd: [calm] "If I may? I think I have a solution much more fitting than the cliche act of cartoon barbarism."
[Edd whispers in Kevin's ear. Ed listens in, and Kevin picks him up and moves him away.]
Ed: "Aw, not fair."
Kevin: "Sit."
[Ed sits on the floor, and Kevin and Edd continue their plotting. Eddy ducks into a classroom.]

---

[Kevin is reading a pamphlet on booster shots. Edd steps out of the office.]
Edd: "The nurse is ready for you, Kevin."
Kevin: [putting the pamphlet back] "Hey, this ain't a bad read."
Edd: "You could take notes to fully benefit from the information it…so…um…."
Kevin: "Don't push it."
Edd: "Uh yes, of course."
Eddy: "Hey, lemme go, untie me!" [Eddy is tied to Ed's back.]
Ed: "I found him in the science cupboard pretending to be a stuffed beaver, Double D."
Edd: "The nurse thanks you, Eddy."
Eddy: [suspicious] "Oh yeah? What for?"
Edd: "For helping Kevin conquer his fear of needles by letting him witness the safe and easy administration of a real booster shot."
[Eddy looks in. The nurse's shadowy figure is prepping a needle. Kevin, seen through the crack between the door and the doorjamb, smirks, anticipating Eddy's pain.]
Eddy: [breaking free] "OH NO YOU DON'T! NOT ME!" [Ed grabs him as he tries to escape.]
Ed: "Worry not, little man, 'cause you get to have a lollipop after!" [He drags Eddy in.]
Eddy: [whimpering] "Mommy."
Kevin: "Sweet."
[Edd enters the room, and the door slams. We get to watch the scene play out through the window.]
Eddy: "What? No! Don't do it! I'm too young!"
Ed: "NEEDLE!" [He crashes through the door.] "Uh oh." [He comes back and gets the lollipop.]
Eddy: "I HATE NEEDLES!"
[Kevin laughs.]