Ed, Edd n Eddy

Edd: [holding up a marble] "This is one of my favorites, Ed! Note: one small object and one large object."
[Ed is holding a bowling ball. He yawns.]
Edd: "Now, and this is the riveting part, if we drop both objects, in unison, that's at the same time, Ed, one would assume the larger object would land first! Au contraire. Objects of different masses do fall at the same rate! Isn't that amazing?! Ahem. Now, Ed, when I say go, release the ball. Ready, set, go!"
[Edd drops his marble. A few seconds later, Ed releases his bowling ball.]
Edd: "Ed, you weren't paying attention, were you? We need to drop our objects at the same time. Shall we try again?"
Ed: [bored] "Okay."
Edd: "Ready, set, go!" [He drops his, but Ed holds on to the ball.]
Ed: "Uh-oh. It's stuck, Double D!" [The ball is indeed stuck to his fingers.]
Edd: "Just relax your fingers, Ed." [Ed begins to shake the ball.]
Ed: "It's devouring my hand, Double D!"
Edd: "It's just a bowling ball Ed, calm down."
Ed: "Get it off!"
[The ball comes loose right into Edd's face, throwing him through the fence. Edd lands next to Eddy's door. Eddy rushes out carrying a cardboard box and looking nervously from side to side.]
Eddy: "Ed!"
Ed: "Howdy, neighbor!"
Eddy: "Quick, hide these magazines!"
Ed: "Hide these magazines?"
Eddy: "What are ya? A parrot? Hide em! Quick! Go! Run! Hurry up! Run! What're ya waiting for?"
Ed: [catching Eddy's panic] "Hide what? Wait! Where! What?!?"
Eddy: "Numbskull." [He shoves Ed and runs back into his room.] "Aw come on Mom, not that! Wait! I need this stuff!" [He comes back out wearing a sombrero and dragging a full trashcan.] "Geez."
[Inside, the sound of vacuuming can be heard. Eddy spots Edd and becomes irate.]
Eddy: "Quit lying around, Double D! My mom's cleaning out my room, and she's making me throw out all my cool stuff!" [whispering] "But luckily, I was able to save the–" [he looks from side to side and then speaks in Edd's ear] "–magazines."
Ed: [reappearing] "I hid them, Eddy! They're snug as a bug on a rug in a jug by a slug in–"
Edd: "How you managed in one fell swoop to make a mockery of the laws of physics is–"
Eddy: "Outta the way, Sockhead! Get back there." [He pushes Ed to the side of the house.] "You hid 'em good, right Ed? In a safe place where no one will find them?"
Ed: "You bet, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Thattaboy, Ed! Where?"
Ed: "Yeah!" [stunned] "I forget, Eddy."
Eddy: "You forget? Whaddya mean you forget?! My brother gave me those magazines!"
Ed: "The number you are dialing is not in service."
Edd: "I suppose one man's treasure is another man's trash. Let's simply retrace Ed's steps. That should jog his memory."
Eddy: "This better work."

[Ed leads his friends down the sidewalk.]
Ed: "Well, I was walking down the sidewalk, carrying Eddy's box, when um, I saw a bug." [He bends over.] "Hello, bug! I followed the little dickens to this tree, see? Then I hit my head on that branch!" [He stands up, hits his head, and stumbles to the other side of the tree.] "Nope. Sorry. It was this one." [He bonks his head on the other branch.] "Then I gazed at the stars." [He smiles dopily.]
Edd: "Ed, please don't do that."
Eddy: "C'mon, we're wasting time. Where'd you hide the magazines, Ed?"
Ed: "Here we go: a rubber chicken." [He pulls one out of his jacket, tosses it away, and runs down the street.] "'Hide the box, hide the box,' I said." [He slips on the chicken.] "But then I tripped, hanging on to my pal's box of magazines for dear life! I fell." [He falls and slides down the street.] "And slid into a sewer."
Eddy: "A SEWER?!" [He pulls Ed out of the grate and looks inside, horrified.] "My magazines are in the sewer?!"
Edd: "Seems appropriate. You realize if your magazines are in that sewer Eddy, they'd be totally illegible, the text smeared by the damp sludge."
Eddy: "It's the pictures I'm worried about! Ed, did you hide my box down in that sewer?"
Ed: "Um, not in the sewer, Eddy."
Eddy: "So where are they?" [He clips a massive clothes peg to Ed.] "Talk!"
Ed: "Ouch!"
Eddy: "Where, Ed?" [He clips a second peg to Ed.]
Ed: "Ouch!!"
Eddy: "Those magazines are one-of-a-kind anniversary issues! Cough em up!" [A third peg is clipped on.]
Ed: [in pain] "I FORGET, EDDY, I FORGET!"
Edd: "Clothes pegs Eddy? Please. Obviously, your answer lies deep within Ed's subconscious. You'd have a better chance of penetrating reinforced concrete. I suggest we analyze Ed's person for clues. Forensic science, Eddy, and a hint trace of grain could lead us to your magazines." [Eddy clamps his hands over Edd's mouth. Kevin rides by.]
Eddy: "If Kevin knew about this, he'd take my magazines for his own viewing pleasure."
Edd: "Time's a wastin'. I've always wanted to say that." [He walks off, leaving Eddy to lead Ed away.]
Ed: "Eddy, will these leave marks?"
Eddy: "Big ones, Ed."

[Edd, in his basement, carries a gigantic microscope over to a table.]
Edd: "My microscope should provide the answer." [He hands Ed a pane of glass.] "Hold this, please. Thank you."
Eddy: "What's with the glass?"
Edd: "Eddy, please don't interrupt. Now Ed–" [he pulls out a cupcake] "Do you see what I see?"
Ed: "CUPCAKE!" [He begins salivating.]
Eddy: "So what's with the cupcake?"
Edd: "Patience, please!"
[Edd puts the cupcake on the glass. Ed immediately bends over to scarf it, smashing his face on the pane. Edd puts a second pane onto the back of Ed's head, crushing it flat and magnifying it.]
Eddy: "What's with Ed's face?!"
Edd: [agitated] "Will you just let me do this, Eddy?!" [He lays Ed on the table, face under the microscope. Edd climbs a ladder and peers through the viewing scope.] "There we go, and focus–" [He is plunged into a disgusting land of bacteria and primordial slop.] "–oh dear. Ed, there's a new invention called soap, have you heard of it? Oh, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought, Eddy." [He looks at Ed's hair.] "Oh my lord!"
Eddy: "What's taking so long? Someone's sure to find them!"
Edd: "I'm having a hard time ascertaining the clues from Ed's copious contaminants. A moment please, read a magazine or something."
Eddy: "Read a magazine? I would if I knew where Ed hid em!"
Edd: [snottily] "Oh, you read those?" [He returns to the microscope.] "Well well well, what do we have here? This looks interesting." [In Ed's right ear is a miniature sandbox. Edd scans, and data flows out.] "Let's see now. Hmm. Fine loose grains of rock, mostly quartz..."
Eddy: "Well?"
Edd: "Commercial grade sand, Eddy. From a sandbox, I'd surmise. Ed must've–"
Eddy: [elated] "Buried my magazines in the sandbox! Eddy's coming to get you, babies!" [He leaves dragging Edd with him.]
Ed: [following Eddy, glass still stuck to his head] "I love babies, guys." [The glass falls off his head when he runs into the doorframe. It shatters.] "Coochie coochie coo!"

[The Eds enter the playground carrying digging implements. Suddenly, Eddy stops.]
Edd: "Eddy, why are you stopping here? The–" [Eddy jams a hand over his mouth. Kevin rides past.]
Eddy: [agitated] "What's he doin' following us? Maybe he–the sandbox! OH NO, MY MAGAZINES!"
[Eddy tears off towards the sandbox. Jimmy is playing there, digging holes.]
Jimmy: "Jeepers! If only Sarah could see how good I am at manual labor!" [Eddy grabs him.]
Eddy: "And what are you diggin' for?" [He shakes Jimmy.] "Are you working for Kevin?"
Jimmy: "I don't know what you're talking about, Eddy! I'm flying solo!"
Edd: "Eddy, you put Jimmy down! Can't you see he's an innocent bystander in all this? I hardly think that Jimmy, or Kevin for that matter, have any knowledge to the whereabouts of your magazines!"
Eddy: [paranoid] "OH, is that so? And what makes you think that, Mr. I-know-everything-about-Kevin-knowing-nothing-about-my-magazines?" [As he speaks, his eyes grow comedically large.]
Ed: [carrying a shovel] "Boy, Double D. Eddy never looks at me like that."
Eddy: "Shut up and start digging, Ed."
[Ed digs into the grass by the sandbox.]
Ed: "Lucky feller."
Eddy: "Once he digs em up, I'll hide em where no one'll find em!"
Ed: [digging] "Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole."
Edd: "But this is the wrong spot, Eddy. Ed, you should be excavating here, in the sandbox." [He maneuvers Ed to the right place.] "Shall I lend a hand?"
Eddy: "Oh no, you don't! Those are my magazines!"
Edd: "Eddy, I'm getting the feeling you don't trust me. How could you even think that?"
Kevin: [by the fence] "Double D. C'mere, will ya?" [Eddy looks at Edd suspiciously.]
Edd: "I wonder what Kevin could want."
Eddy: "Ah ha!"
Kevin: "Hurry up!"
Edd: "I suppose I should go over."
Eddy: "Double crosser."
[Eddy's words of suspicion make up Edd's mind. He goes to talk to Kevin. Soon, the two are immersed.]
Ed: [as Eddy paces] "Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole."
[Kevin rides off, and Edd waves goodbye.]
Edd: "You're very welcome, Kevin." [Eddy grabs him, irate.]
Eddy: "So what's with that, what did Kevin want, huh, what?!?"
Edd: "Kevin just asked for the time, Eddy."
Eddy: "Oh yeah?" [examining Edd's wrists] "Well I don't see a watch, do you see a watch?"
Ed: "Look what I found, guys!"
Eddy: [not caring about Edd anymore] "I'd tell ya I love ya, Ed, but I ain't that kind of guy!"
Edd: "Bravo, Ed! Bring on the grail!"
[Ed holds up a dirty, used, useless toothbrush.]
Ed: "A toothbrush! Finders keepers."
Eddy: "You guys must think I'm stupid or something!" [He smashes Ed onto Edd.] "You're both in cahoots to steal my magazines!"
Edd: "And what would we do with your magazines, Eddy?" [Eddy grabs Edd's hat.] "My hat!"
[Eddy steals Ed's eyebrow.]
Ed: "My eyebrow!" [Eddy leaves the park running, carrying their most prized possessions.] "But, Eddy, I can't make funny faces without that!"
Edd: [covering himself with Ed] "But wait Ed, I'm not decent!"

[Ed runs up to Eddy. Eddy is dangling the hat and the eyebrow over the sewer where the magazines were thought to be earlier. Edd runs up, a bucket over his head.]
Edd: [terrified] "Eddy, you wouldn't dare!"
Eddy: "Don't come any closer, or the hat and the eyebrow get a one-way ticket down Sewerville! Now where's my magazines?"
Edd: [on his knees] "Eddy, gather whatever strand of logic you may have left! We don't know the whereabouts of your magazines!"
Eddy: "Maybe you need to have another chit-chat with your ringleader, Kevin!"
Edd: "Ed, Eddy's taken the proverbial leap off the deep end!" [Eddy moves the eyebrow and hat nearer the grate.]
Eddy: "Say bye bye, boys."
Edd: [running towards Kevin's house] "Oh, Kevin! Kevin!" [Ed follows.]
Ed: "Oh, Double D! Double D!"
Edd: [coming back for a moment] "Please don't do anything rash, Eddy. Thank you."

[Ed is running in circles in the middle of the cul-de-sac, scared witless.]
Ed: "Run! Run for your lives!"
Edd: "Ed, this way!" [He runs to Kevin's house and knocks on the door. Ed joins. When Kevin opens the door, he is battered by their fists.] "Oh, dear." [hauling Kevin upright] "Kevin, wake up, please! You need to talk to Eddy!"
Ed: "Hurry, Kevin! Eddy's proverbial!"
Kevin: "Let go of my shirt." [They comply.]
Edd: "Um, Kevin?"
[Kevin slams the door in their faces.]
Kevin: "Like I give. What a couple of losers!" [He laughs until, out his window, he sees them making off with his most prized possession: his bike.]
Ed: [chased by Kevin, carrying the bike with Edd] "Beep beep!" [They come to the sewer.]
Kevin: "Hey! Let go of my bike!"
Eddy: "Cough up my magazines!"
Kevin: "Get your hands off my bike!"
Eddy: "You ain't foolin me! I'm wise to what you and your two lackeys are up to!"
Kevin: "Get over yourself! Gimme my bike!"
Eddy: "I want my magazines!"
Edd: "My hat please, thank you!"
Ed: "Eyebrow for Ed!"
Kevin: "The bike!"
Eddy: "The magazines!"
Edd: "Hat, please!"
Ed: "Eyebrow now!"
Jonny: "Howdy howdy howdy! Check out what Plank and I found!"
[Jonny is holding the box from the start of the episode. Eddy's eyes go wide.]
Jonny: "Talk about luck, huh guys?"
Eddy: "My magazines my magazines!" [He rushes Jonny and drops the hat and eyebrow. Ed and Edd collect them. Kevin gets his bike back.] "Come to papa my babies!"
Kevin: [riding past] "Pathetic."
Eddy: [tearing the box open] "Oh there you–" [His eyes bulge.] "–aren't?" [The box is empty.]
Jonny: "Cool box, huh Eddy?"
Eddy: [hysterical] "Where's the magazines?" [He grabs Jonny.] "What'd you do with them, baldy? Spit it out, where are they!"
Ed: [adjusting his eyebrow] "I hid them, Eddy!" [Eddy kicks Ed in the stomach.]
Eddy: "You hid the magazines in a different spot?"
Ed: "Pretty smart, huh? No thanks are necessary!"
Eddy: [shaking Ed] "Where, Ed? Where'd you hide the magazines?"
Jonny: "I don't get them either, buddy."

[Ed is once again leading his friends down the sidewalk.]
Ed: "Well, I was walking down the sidewalk when I saw a bug. Hello, bug! I followed the little dickens to this tree, see? Then I hit my head on that branch! Nope, sorry, it was this one. Then I gazed at the stars." [Eddy puts his face in his hand as an iris closes in on him.]

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide