The Ed-Touchables/Script

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Script

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[Edd is in his room, using a labeler. He labels a desk lamp "Lamp", a bookshelf "Books", and a desk "Desk." Around the room can be seen other evidence of his labeling, such as a bed labeled "Sack" and a label reading "Door Knob" next to the doorknob.]
Edd: "Four thousand eight hundred and twenty, four thousand eight hundred and twenty-four–ooh, I like what you've done with that tunnel–four thousand eight hundred and thirty-one, four thousand eight hundred and thirty-five, that's everybody. Four thousand eight hundred and–" [He does some calculations on an abacus.] "–thirty-seven."
[He places a label reading "Ants 4,837" on his ant farm. The doorbell then rings. He walks down to get the door. Upon opening it, he finds nobody there. He walks halfway up the steps when the doorbell rings again. He goes down to get the door and once again finds nobody there. He tests the doorbell, and then goes upstairs. Once again, he gets halfway up before the doorbell rings again. He rushes down to get it.]
Edd: [annoyed] "Now please–!" [A bucket of water falls on his head.]
[Edd once again starts up the steps only to have the bell ring when he's halfway up. He goes down to get the door, and looks up carefully to make sure there are no unpleasant surprises. Just as he's about to stop looking up, a fish hits him in the face. Edd stands there stunned for a few seconds and then heads up the stairs, an odor and flies now surrounding him. Once again, the doorbell rings when he's halfway up.]
Eddy: "Hey, Double D, what took you so long?"
Edd: "Oh. Hello, Eddy. So, what're you doing?" [remembering the pranks] "Hey. Was that you ringing my doorbell?"
Eddy: "Who, me? Nah."

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Edd: [opening the door to his room] "Wait, Eddy. You know the rules." [He holds up a pair of bunny slippers.]
Eddy: "Aw, come on, Edd. Not again." [Edd wiggles the slippers] "All right. Sheesh, stupid slippers."
Edd: "And I'll dispose of these." [He puts the shoes in a box labeled "Shoes."]
Eddy: "Okay. The slippers are on nowwWWHOAAA!" [Edd has taken a vacuum cleaner hose and is busily cleaning Eddy's nose with it.]
Edd: "We'll have you clean in no time, Eddy!" [His head gets sucked in but is shaken out. Edd is finished with his nose.] "Almost done." [He vacuums the back of Eddy's shirt.]
Eddy: "Gee, thanks Edd."
Edd: "After you, Eddy."
Eddy: "Yeah. After me."
[Entering the room, he spots Edd's bed. He goes over and jumps on it.]
Edd: "EDDY!" [remaking the bed] "Messy messy messy messy messy. Please don't do that, Eddy."
[Eddy begins switching labels, switching the "Slipper" label, which he places on the bed, with the "Bed" label.]
Edd: "Eddy! Please return those labels to their rightful designations."
Eddy: "Alright, alright, don't have a bird." [He takes the slipper label off the bed and replaces it with one that says "Toilet".] "Are ya done yet? Let's go get Ed!"
Edd: "Please be patient. I have just one more–" [He puts down a "Magnifying Glass" label and realizes it's missing.] "–HHAH! It's gone." [freaking out] "Eddddyyyy. Someone took my magnifying glass. I feel so violated."
Eddy: "Maybe you misplaced it."
Edd: [shoving Eddy away] "Never! What has become of this world? Is nothing sacred?" [sweeping the contents of his desk into the trash can] "Everything is soiled! Who would do such a thing? Who would violate the sanctity of somebody's room? With their filthy hands!" [clutching at Eddy] "Oh. Oh Eddy. I feel sick. I feel nauseous. I CAN'T BREATHE!"
[Eddy goes over, picks up Edd's mattress, and slams it down on him.]
Edd: "Thank you. I needed that."
Eddy: "Anytime, pal! You know, you can't have somebody touching your stuff. It just isn't right." [no longer concerned] "Okay. Race you to Ed's place."

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[The duo rush over to Ed's. When they get there, Ed can clearly be seen watching a horror movie on TV. They tiptoe to the window.]
Eddy: [whispering] "There he is."
[Eddy and Edd sneak in through the window. When Edd tries to enter, the window slams on his fingers, and he makes noises of pain.]
Eddy: [whispering] "Ssh. Quit fooling around." [He continues to sneak up on Ed. Just as he's about to pounce, Ed grabs him in a headlock and gives him a noogie.]
Ed: "Hey, Eddy! What's up?"
Edd: [leaping on them] "Dogpile!" [They tussle. Ed ends up victorious, with the two of them in a headlock.]
Ed: "Hi Edd Double D. You guys make me laugh."
[A thunderous crashing is heard. All around Ed's room, things shake and fall off the walls. Sarah kicks the door open and storms up to Ed.]
Sarah: [yells in rage] WHERE IS SHEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!"
Ed: "What? Who?"
Sarah: [worried] "My dolly. Polly Poo Poo, that's who." [She leaps around the room, destroying stuff.] "I–I need my dolly."
Ed: "But Sarah, I didn't touch her."
Sarah: [leaping on Ed and fighting with him] "Liar! Don't you lie to me, you dolly stealer!"
Eddy: [strangled] "You gotta love these family moments."
Sarah: "If you don't tell me where she is, I'm gonna get really angry."
[Ed trips, and the four of them land hard on the ground, Eddy still in a headlock.]
Eddy: "Uh, Ed?"
Ed: "Yeah, Eddy?"
Eddy: "As much as I really love the smell of your stinky pits...CAN YOU LET GO OF MY HEAD NOW?"
Edd: [to Sarah] "You know, someone has touched my stuff also."
Sarah: "Really."
Eddy: [now out of his headlock] "Don't you see what's going on here? It's epidemical! Double D's magnifying glass, Sarah's doll? Someone, or something, is touching everybody's stuff. We got to spread the word! We have to warn everyone that there's a-a serial toucher on the loose!"
Ed: "How are we going to do that, Eddy?"
Eddy: [getting a scam idea] "Hey! I know just what to do!" [He laughs.]

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Eddy: [using a traffic cone as a megaphone] "Attention please! Hey! Beware of the toucher! Serial toucher on the loose! Hide your stuff, hide your valuables. Serial toucher on the loose!"
Sarah: "That dirty toucher took my Dolly Poo Poo!"
Jimmy: "It's true. Won't somebody help us?" [The other kids make assenting noises.]
Eddy: "Quiet, quiet! Everyone just relax. We've got it all under control."
Kevin: "Yeah? What can you dorks do about it?"
Eddy: [shoving the megaphone in Kevin's face] "Well, we dorks are gonna solve this mystery!"
Kevin: "Ha! I'd pay money to see that."
Sarah: "Me too." [The rest of the kids make noises of agreement.]

---

[Eddy is pacing in front of the other two Eds. They are in the lane.]
Edd: "What do you propose we do now?"
Eddy: "Okay, boys!" [He starts drawing diagrams in the dirt with his shoe.] "Here's the lane, okay. We'll start here, then we'll cross the street over by the corner store..."

---

[Ed is laughing for some reason.]
Edd: "Please do not move, this is delicate work."
[We now get to see why Ed's laughing. Edd and Eddy are rigging up a device on him.]
Eddy: "There's no way the toucher can resist this." [The machine seems to consist of a "Don't Touch!" sign and a wire.] "Perfect!"
Edd: [whispering] "Someone's coming." [Edd and Eddy dive behind the bushes.]
Eddy: [whispering to a still laughing Ed] "Ed! Don't move! And stop giggling!" [Ed stops.]
Kevin: [riding up] "Dork!"
Ed: "Dork?"
Eddy: "Ssh! Ed! Somebody else is coming!"
[Jonny arrives, Plank in tow.]
Jonny: "Whatcha doin, Ed?" [receiving no response] "Oh, Ed, I'm liking your haircut." [He looks closer at it.]
Plank:
Jonny: "What's that, Plank? You wanna feel too? Okay." [He rubs Plank against Ed.]
Eddy: "Ed's been touched! Pull! Pull!"
[Edd pulls the wire, and a variety of alarms go off.]
Eddy: "Ah hah! Dr. Toucher, I presume?"
Jonny: "Whoa! You guys are weird!" [He runs away.]
Eddy: "Get him!" [They chase him. Calling to Ed] "Move it, Ed! Come on!"
[Ed jumps off the bench and starts running the wrong way.]
Eddy: "Ed, this way!"
[Ed runs in the right direction.]

---

[Jonny runs down the lane. The fences are plastered with wanted posters that have "The Toucher," "Serial Toucher," or "Toucher" printed on them.]
Eddy: [giving chase with his friends] "He's getting away! Follow me!" [He leads them through a door in a fence.]

---

[The Eds are running down a sidewalk, Jonny nowhere in sight. Edd and Eddy run behind a pole. Ed tries to copy them, but instead runs into the pole. He tries again and runs into it again. It happens another time before Edd and Eddy grab Ed and pull him behind the pole. Jonny then comes running down the street, and the Eds stick out their feet and trip him.]
Jonny: [on the ground, panting] "They got me, old buddy. But you–you can still–make it, Plank, RUN!" [He throws Plank forward, but Plank comes down on his outstretched arms.] "Save yourself." [as the Eds grab him] "Be nice!"
[Ed picks up Plank and takes Jonny off to be interrogated.]

---

[Jonny and Plank are tied to chairs in a basement. Wires are rigged up to them. Ed comes up to them, shining a light in their eyes.]
Ed: "Hey Jonny, nice haircut. Double D's got a surprise for you." [He points to Edd, who is working at a control board.] "A lie detector."
Edd: [putting a slice of bread in a toaster] "Ready."
Ed: "Better watch what you say, Jonny."
Eddy: "Yeah, Jonny." [He's wearing sunglasses and has a toothpick in his mouth.] "You wouldn't lie to your pals, now, would ya?" [He takes out the toothpick and tosses away the sunglasses.] "Ed. Light." [Ed tosses him the flashlight.]

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Eddy: [interrogating Jonny] "Alright Jonny, enough fooling around. So why don't you just tell us where everybody's stuff is, hmm?"
Jonny: "I don't know what you're talking about I didn't do anything!"
Eddy: "What's the word, Double D?"
Edd: [sniffing the cooking toast] "Inconclusive, Eddy."
Eddy: [groaning, then talking to Jonny again] "Well if you won't talk, maybe your friend will." [He goes over to Plank.] "You must be the brains, huh?"
Plank:
Eddy: "Where's the stuff, Planky? FESS UP!"
Plank:
Eddy: "Oh. Silent, huh?" [He slaps Plank.] "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! SPLINTERS!!!"
Jonny: "AAAAAAH! LEAVE PLANK ALONE EDDY!"
[The toast pops up, burnt. Edd sniffs it and then enters some data into a computer. He turns it to face Ed, Eddy, Jonny, and Plank. It reads "FALSE".]
Edd: "As you can see, the board is lying."
Eddy: "Well Planky, I think it's time we tried other methods." [He holds up a squirt gun. Jonny looks on in horror.]
Jonny: "Huh?"
Eddy: "This will make you swell up good."
[Eddy pulls the trigger and lets the gun drip onto Plank. Jonny watches in horror. As the torture goes on, it becomes apparent that Jonny has to use the bathroom. He groans in pain as the pressure builds inside.]
Jonny: "Okay! Okay! I did it! I took everyone's stuff! Now let me go. I gotta go to the bathroom!"
Eddy: "You heard him, boys. Case closed." [He snaps his fingers.]

---

[Jonny is in a tire, which is bouncing around the cul-de-sac.]
Eddy: [holding a jar of coins and talking to the other two Eds] "So boys, what's big, round, costs a nickel–"
Ed and Edd: "Jawbreakers!"
Eddy: "Now away we go!" [He runs into Sarah and Jimmy.]
Sarah: "Now just a rotten minute! I found my dolly under my bed."
Jimmy: "It's true. And here she is. See?"
Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy. Ahem. Upon further inspection of my person, I seem to have come across, my magnifying glass." [He holds it up.]
[Jonny bounces by while they contemplate what this could mean. Eddy then holds up the jar, grinning.]

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Sarah: [rolling Jonny, still in a tire] "That Eddy thinks he's so smart! We know you didn't do it, Jonny."
Jonny: "Mank. Moo." (Thank you.)
Sarah: "Hang tight, Jonny. This won't hurt a bit." [She pushes Jonny down a hill.]

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[The Eds are in front of the candy store, slurping jawbreakers.]
Eddy: "This is good."
Edd: "Should we feel guilty about Jonny's predicament?"
Eddy: "Nah. You know what they say: A little childhood trauma builds character."
[Jonny, still in his tire, runs into them, knocking the jawbreakers out of their mouths. The jawbreakers roll down the street, and the Eds chase the jawbreakers as the show ends.]