Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Edd is at a Ring Toss. He throws one of the rings at a bottle and misses by a mile.]
Eddy: "Hey useless!" [Eddy is in a standee.] "Put those rings down and take a load off your eyes!"
Edd: "Ha ha ha, very funny, Eddy. But in order to attract a crowd, one needs to demonstrate the use of these archaic arcade games."
Eddy: "Is that what you're trying to do? Step aside, let the pro demonstrate." [He starts the Whak-a-Ed machine.]
Ed: "Whack me! Whack me whack me! Whack me!" [Ed dodges each attempt.]
Eddy: "Hold still, Lumpy, so I can hitcha!"
Edd: [sarcastic] "Bravo well done, Eddy. You've convinced me! Your skill and expertise at mundane, misleading and moth-ridden carnival games makes me want to throw caution to the wind and give you all my money." [As he speaks, Ed becomes fixated on a mural with a monster drawn on it.]
Eddy: "You're making fun of me, aren't ya–"
Ed: "MONSTER! I want to be a monster!" [He breaks free of the game, slamming Eddy into the strength tester, and runs towards the cutout. He puts his head through the monster and growls.] "Look at me! I am a monster!" [He grunts again.] "I am just a monster in a boy's body."
Edd: "If only for a day I could enjoy the serenity of Ed's world."
Eddy: "Hey!" [He goes over to Ed.] "Why do you always have to WRECK EVERYTHING!"
[Eddy leaps on Ed, and they begin to fight.]
Ed: "But Eddy, I just wanna be a monster!"
Edd: "I was quite enamored by Ed's impersonation, Eddy."
Eddy: "What're ya flappin' your gums about now?"
Edd: "Humor me. What if Ed really was a monster? Think about it. Ed's overactive imagination could attract customers, Eddy."
Eddy: "I SAID I–" [He understands.] "Customers are practically suckers! I like that."
Ed: "Monster for Ed, good I will be." [He picks up his friends and runs off.]

[Edd is working on Ed's monster costume.]
Eddy: [sourly] "You better not mess this up, Lumpy."
Ed: [excited] "I will be the best monster I can be, Eddy!"
Edd: "I am sure you will, Ed. Now try this on." [He puts the head on the costume.]
Ed: "Wow. I feel transformed, guys." [Edd and Eddy giggle.]
Eddy: "Hey, look! Ed's got a chin!"
Edd: "I'll just go get a mirror, Ed. You look very convincing!"
[Edd enters the house. Ed's gaze falls on Eddy and stays there.]
Eddy: "You're a natural, Ed. You shoulda been born a monster."
[In Ed's mind, several monstrous growls are heard as his vision begins to take on a red tint.]
Eddy: [impatient] "Man, what's he doing, making a mirror?" [to Ed] "What's with you?"
Edd: [waving a mirror] "I'm back!" [He takes in the destroyed garage. Ed is nowhere to be seen; however, there is a gigantic hole in the garage door.] "FATHER'S GARAGE! Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Curse the consequences of an only child."
Eddy: [dazed] "Ed's an animal."
Edd: "Ed?"
Eddy: "Who else? That idiot attacked me, then busted through the garage growling like a monster."
Edd: "I told you about Ed's overactive imagination."
Eddy: "Hey, don't look at me. I'm the one who got overimaginated all over."
Edd: "Ed's prone to overstimulation Eddy! He can't control himself!"
Eddy: "You're the one who dressed him up!"
[A growl comes from outside.]
Jimmy: "Help me! Aah!"
Edd: "Heavens! It's Jimmy!"

[Edd and Eddy rush to the playground. When they get there, they find all the equipment has been broken. Saliva and bite marks abound on the destroyed playthings.]
Edd: "Jimmy? Oh my." [Eddy looks at a swing set that is now in the shape of a chicken and laughs.] "This is worse than I thought. This isn't as simple as pretending or playacting, Eddy. Ed actually believes he's become a monster! He's even made off with–"
Nazz: [offscreen] "Jimmy!"
Kevin: [offscreen] "Hey, Fluffy!"
Rolf: [offscreen] "Fluffy? Is it not Jimmy? Who is Fluffy?"
Edd: "We have to warn the others!"
[Eddy slaps a bandage over Edd's mouth.]
Eddy: "In your dreams!"
[Another one of Ed's growls is heard.]
Jimmy: [offscreen] "Help!"
Eddy: "C'mon!"
[Eddy drags Edd to the edge of the playground just in time to see Ed disappearing into the construction site.]
Nazz: "Poor Jimmy."
Jonny: [leading them to the construction site] "C'mon, everybody, Plank says he heard something over here!"
Kevin: "Yeah, right, and I'm the king of Siam."
Rolf: "And Rolf is the Head of Cabbage!"
Eddy: "I'll figure out a way to make a buck off this if it kills me!" [He runs off.]
Edd: [muffled] "Eddy, no! Wait! Where are you going?"

[Ed, vision tinted red, looks out at the kids.]
Kevin: "Where are ya, Fluffy?"
Nazz: "Jimmy!"
Rolf: "Rolf is confused! Is it Jimmy or this Fluffy who is lost?"
[Jonny comes near the pile of dirt Ed is hiding behind.]
Jonny: "Oh, Jimmy! Jimmy!"
[Jonny spots an opened box of Chunky Puffs. What he doesn't see is the monster's tail slowly and silently moving towards him.]
Jonny: "How lucky can you get, Plank? Chunky Puffs!"
[Edd and Eddy look out as Jonny begins to munch. Slowly, the tail begins wrapping itself around him, circling his body once, twice...]
Edd: [pulling the bandage off] "Ouch. JONNY!"
[The instant he yells, the tail constricts around Jonny, immobilizing him in its powerful grip. Jonny, his lungs crushed, is unable to utter a sound as Ed's tail yanks him away to who-knows-where.]
Eddy: "Did you see that?" [He laughs.]
Edd: [remorseful] "What have I done? I've actually created a monster!"

[Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin are still searching when another roar splits the air. Rolf jumps on Kevin in a fit of fear.]
Rolf: "What is this sound that makes Rolf soil his trousers?"
Kevin: "I don't know, man, so get off me!"
[Nazz, scared, backs up. She trips over Plank. Fearfully, she picks the board up.]
Nazz: [fearfully] "Guys, I just found Plank without a Jonny!"
[A rain of drool falls in front of her, and she looks up. Kevin, Rolf, and Nazz all scream.]
Kevin: [scared out of his pants] "Check it out!"
[The kids run away.]
Eddy: [laughing] "This is too rich! Ed scared the pants off of 'em!"

[Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin run to a house, enter, and slam the door shut. Eddy runs up, clears his throat, and begins to act scared.]
Eddy: "Ahem." [pounding on the door] [fake scared] "Help me! Don't let the monster eat me!" [He chuckles, and Edd comes to the door.]
Edd: "No need to be alarmed! He's just playing! He wouldn't hurt a fly! Why, they're actually attracted to him!"
[Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin have barricaded the door with all the furniture in the house along with themselves.]
Kevin: "Take a hike, dorks! It's every man for himself!"
Edd: "They didn't hear a word I said!"
Eddy: "I've gotta see the look on their faces!" [He runs around to the back of the house.]

[Inside, everything is quiet. The kids slowly back away from their barricade, daring to believe that everything is okay. Suddenly, the door is thrown open by Ed's tail. Ed grabs Kevin and pulls him out.]
Kevin: "Whoa!"
[Kevin grabs onto the door on the way out, but lets go before his fingers can get smashed against the doorframe. After the door slams, there is no indication that Kevin was there except his hat, which fell off as he left.]
Nazz: [scared witless] "It took Kevin!"

[In the backyard, Eddy is on Edd's back yanking at the windows and having no success opening them.]
Eddy: "What's with these stupid windows?!?"
[Edd stands up, goes over to the back door and calmly opens it.]
Eddy: "I hate it when you do that."
[Rolf and Nazz hurtle out, screaming. They run into Edd and Eddy, and the four fall in a pile.]
Edd: [dazed] "Who knew gullibility can be so painful?"
[Ed's shadow appears over them. He looks like the Xenomorph from Alien. The fearsome monster howls, having found his prey.]
Eddy: [impressed] "Nice entrance."
[Rolf and Nazz shriek earsplitting screams of fear. Edd, getting an idea, rummages in Rolf's back pocket.]
Edd: "Excuse me Rolf."
[Edd pulls out a chicken. Edzilla stops, transfixed by the fowl. Edd holds it up and tosses it to the right. Edzilla follows.]
Rolf: [fearing for his chicken] "Take to your heels, Gertrude!"
Edd: "There! The clubhouse! Quickly, no time to explain!"
[They run to the clubhouse. Nazz is the first one up. She is followed by Rolf, who pushes Edd out of the way.]
Rolf: "Out of the way, oaf!"
Edd: "Overwhelming fear is not an excuse for rudeness, Rolf." [He notices he is on Eddy's head as he climbs up and shuts the door behind them. Ed, at the base of the tree, growls.]

Edd: "Let's remain calm, people. We'll be safe here."
Nazz: [scared stiff] "Are you sure, Double D?"
Edd: "He's in his own little world now. The best thing is to just ignore him."
[The small, scared group looks down. Edzilla is running around the tree, knowing its prey is trapped.]
Rolf: [long since scared out of his wits] "The beast circles with hunger! We must appease it with a sacrifice!" [He picks up Nazz.]
Nazz: "Put me down, you jerk!"
Edd: "HOLD IT! You can't play his game. You'll only encourage his bad behavior!"
[Everyone freezes.]
Eddy: [couldn't care less] "So what, it's funny!"
Nazz: "Let go of me!" [She wallops Rolf on the noggin. He drops her as a foot-long bump grows in his head.]
Eddy: [amused] "See?"
Edd: "There's only one thing to do. Someone needs to go down and give him a time out!" [despondent] "I'll go."
Eddy: [disappointed] "Killjoy."
Nazz: [fearing for her friend] "Oh, Double D! You're so brave I'll never forget you!" [She kisses Edd and walks away weeping, much to Eddy's shock.]
[Ed bangs his head against the tree repeatedly.]
Ed: "Ouch."
[Ed resumes the banging. The boards of the clubhouse rattle apart and tumble, landing in a heap on the ground.]
Edd: [concerned] "Are you all right, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Yes, thank you, Ed-boy. All is well."
[From out of nowhere, the jaws of Edzilla clamp down on Rolf from beneath.]
Rolf: [resigned to his fate] "Please ask Rolf's family and livestock to remember the son of a shepherd."
[Edzilla swallows the farmboy and stands up. Fully erect, he is a fearsome presence. He grabs Nazz and leaves.]
Nazz: "Help, aah! It's messing up my hair!"
Edd: "My apologies, Nazz! He's just trying to be the best monster he can–"
Eddy: [comes up dazed] "Hey, if you find any teeth laying around, they're mine." [falls back down]

[Edzilla drags a screaming Nazz back to his lair.]
Nazz: "Where are you taking me!"
[Once deep inside, he holds her up to his mouth.]
Nazz: [scared] "Please, don't eat me!"
[Edzilla picks up a big box of Chunky Puffs and chews it up. He then spits the concoction onto Nazz.]
Nazz: [now more grossed out than scared] "That is so gross, dude."
[Edzilla presses Nazz against a wall. All around her are her friends, who are also smothered in the cereal.]
Edd: "Ed seems to be acting out a science-fiction movie he may have seen!" [He and Eddy are outside looking in through the window.]
Eddy: [cackling] "Ed stuck them to the wall with chewed-up Chunky Puffs! Man, he's good!"
Edd: "I fail to see the humor in this, Eddy!"
[Behind them, the window opens, and one of the monster's appendages slithers out.]
Edd: "He's coming! He can't see us."
[He pulls a shrub over them to hide the duo from Edzilla's view. Ed creeps out and looks around. Seeing nothing strange, he continues on, presumably to continue his rampage.]
Eddy: "What an idiot!"
Edd: "Eddy!"
[Edd is in the basement. He signals for Eddy to follow him in.]

[When the kids see Edd, they cry out to him, begging for him to get them down.] Jonny: [pleading] "Get us down!"
Edd: "Yes, okay, I'm sorry! We'll get you down now."
Eddy: "What?"
Edd: "Come on, Eddy. Enough is enough! Look at them!"
Eddy: [giving in] "Fine. We'll get 'em down." [adding a caveat] "For fifty cents a pop!"
Kevin: "Why, you!" Jonny: "That's not fair!"
[The kids all protest.]
Edd: [disgusted] "Eddy–" [The great shadow of Edzilla rises, and all noise stops.]
Eddy: [holding out his jar] "What? No skin off my bones. Who's first?"
[Edzilla stands behind Eddy, drooling. His drool quickly fills the jar. Eddy notices and looks up. When he sees the monster, Eddy loses all sense of composure as Edd pulls him away from his jaws.]
Eddy: [now scared stiff of Edzilla] "HE WANTS THE SKIN OFF MY BONES, DOUBLE D!!!!!!!" [Edzilla roars at them]
Edd: "Hold it right there, mister! Haven't you caused enough trouble today?"
Kevin: [impressed] "Check it out! Double D's yelling at it!"
Edd: [lecturing] "It's all fun and games till someone gets suspended from a wall!"
[Edzilla roars again. Suddenly, his mask is ripped off from behind.]
Ed: [back to normal and oblivious] "Hiya, guys!"
Sarah: [carrying the mask] "Mom said, no parties unless I'm invited!"
Rolf: [surprised] "The beast is no more than foolhardy Ed-boy!"
Jonny: [amazed] "Right on! Ed had me going too, buddy!"
Kevin: [sour] "The dork's twisted, I swear."
Nazz: [grossed out about the cereal on her] "I'm off cereal forever."
Jimmy: [scared] "Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh, no!" [She tries to pull Jimmy off the wall.]
Jimmy: [explaining] "Ed pretended to be a monster and terrorized the living heck out of us, Sarah! Owie, that pinches. Sarah, stop! It's gonna leave marks!"
[The elastic force of the cereal proves to be too great, and Sarah plunges face first into Jimmy's soggy, sticky back.]
Jimmy: "Sarah, is that you?"
Sarah: "Ed! Ed?"
[Ed's door closes gently. The Eds have left the building, leaving the kids to rant.]
Jonny: "Hey where did they go?" 
Jimmy: "Get us down! Get us down!"

[Edd and Eddy are hiding under Eddy's bed.]
Edd: "Eddy! Hiding under your bed isn't going to save us from harm's way once the children eventually flake off Ed's wall!"
Eddy: "Relax, will ya? I always keep a couple of months worth of supplies for when the heat gets turned up." [He picks up a can.] "They'll forget about us in no time. Did you see a can opener?"
Ed: [popping out of the can] "I AM CAN OPENER MAN!"
Eddy: "What the--?"
Edd: "Please Ed, calm down!"
Ed: "No no, wait!" [He picks up a box of tissues.]
Eddy: "Gimme the stupid can opener, Ed!"
Ed: [going nuts] "I AM TISSUE HEAD!"
Edd: [seeing that Ed's lost it] "We've lost him, Eddy."
Ed: "I WILL BLOW YOUR NOSE!" [moves the bed around, eventually creating a clutter out of it]
Edd and Eddy: "ED, STOP!"
Ed: "No no, wait!" [pops from the bed] "I AM BED BUDDY! SLEEP ON ME!"
Edd and Eddy: "ED!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide