Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Ed is twanging a rubber cord.]
Edd: "Ed, please? The vibration from the rubber band could interfere with the gyros of our jawbreaker surveillance satellite!"
Ed: "I have no idea what you just said, Double D. Can I wind it up now? Pleeease? Can I? Huh? Oh, come on."
Eddy: "Hang on to your neck, Orville. Double D, tell me again. I'm drooling!"
Edd: "Well Eddy, with the proper atmospheric conditions our satellite will be able to pinpoint every jawbreaker within a four-block radius of the cul-de-sac."
Eddy: [pleased] "Really?"
Ed: "Contact!"
Edd: "Oh, dear."
Eddy: "Ed, let go of that propeller!" [Ed has wound the propeller all the way up.]
Ed: "Roger, Eddy." [He lets go, and the propeller begins spinning.]
Edd: "Ed, no, reverse that, grab hold of the propeller!"
Ed: "In your hat, Double D." [He bites down, stopping the spinning blades.]
Eddy: "Now what?"
[The satellite starts spinning. Edd and Eddy are thrown off. Ed lets go of the propeller, and the mechanism shoots straight up, into the bright blue sky.]
Ed: "Look at it go, guys!"
Edd: "Oh dear, oh dear–" [resigned] "Oh, well."
Eddy: [defeated] "Just once, I'd like something to go right." [The satellite collides with him, stretching his face.] "Hello!"
Edd: "Lucky for us, I can track its every whereabouts." [He pulls a tracker out of his pocket and runs off. Ed follows.]
Eddy: [dazed] "Wait up! That's my waffle!"

Jimmy: "Your turn, Sarah!" [Sarah leaps over him.]
Sarah: "Leapfrog!" [The tracker sails overhead.]
Jimmy: "You're so nimble, Sarah. My turn!" [When he leaps, the satellite hits him.] "Of all the darn luck. Space junk attack! Darn, my perfectly manicured nails!" [His nails can't hold, and he falls off the machine.]
Edd: "If my calculations are correct, it should land–" [a crunch is heard] "…in that tree. Damaged, fractured, and out of order."
Eddy: "Smooth move, Lumpy."
[He and Edd start for the lawn.]
Ed: [hauling them back] "First one there is a rotten egg!"
Edd: "No, wait! Please, Ed. Send an impulse to your brain and stop!" [He manages to hold Ed back, barely keeping from touching the lawn.] "Ed, are you standing on my shirt with your filthy shoes?"
Eddy: "DOGPILE!"
Edd: [grunting as he holds up Ed and Eddy] "For Pete's sake. We're not allowed on the grass!" [He collapses on the sidewalk.]
Eddy: "Who says?"
Edd: "Please read the sign." [He points to a "Keep Off the Grass" sign.]
Eddy: "Keep off. So what?"
Edd: "Eddy, you must observe and obey the sign. Signs are in place so that order is maintained in an otherwise uncultivated society. And I, for one, uphold these silkscreen policies!"
Eddy: [stretching his leg out over the grass] "Don't you know adults come up with this stuff just to bug us? See?" [He puts his foot down.] "I step on the grass, and nothing happens."
Edd: "Have you no moral fiber?!"
Eddy: "Be a rebel! Try it!" [He tosses Edd down.] "It's just a dumb sign." [Edd is balanced like the hypotenuse of a triangle between the sidewalk and the sign, which he clings to for support.]
Ed: "I'm smarter than a sign!" [He lifts up the edge of the turf and crawls under.] "Look at me!"
Eddy: "Go on, touch it!"
Edd: "I can't! It's not in me, Eddy! Think of the melee and–" [he realizes Eddy is standing on his back] "Excuse me, but has my shirt become a doormat for everyone's filthy shoes?"
Ed: [poking his body out of the grass] "Boing!"
Edd: "Well, I suppose technically Ed's not on the grass."
[The turf rug he ripped off comes flying at Edd and Eddy. Ed proceeds to smack his head against the dirt.]
Ed: "I'm a woodpecker!" [he resumes, then stops] "'Cept with dirt."
Eddy: [rubbing his hands together] "Let's find some more signs!"

[Wet cement signs are all around. Kevin stands on top of a sign, holding Jonny out. Jonny is extending Plank, and they are both reaching for a basketball mired in the middle of the cement.]
Jonny: "Plank says he's almost got it!" [The ball sinks under.]
Kevin: "Rats." [He pulls Jonny in.]
Jonny: "That coulda been us! Good thing Plank read the sign."
Eddy: "If someone told you to jump off the Empire State Building, wouldja?"
Edd: "Don't jump, Eddy, don't!" [Eddy leaps off of one of the signs into the mire.] "Oh, you're so stubborn."
Kevin: "What're you doing, dork?"
Eddy: "I'm following my own rules, Kev. If you want the ball, just get it." [He fishes the ball out, and Ed leaps from one spot of the cement to another, grabbing the ball in his teeth as he goes.]
Sarah: "Oh, you're in big trouble, Ed!"
Eddy: "Nah. Rules are for losers."
Ed: [making a cement angel] "I'm an angel, Sarah!"
Kevin: "What a couple of screwballs."
Edd: [clutching at Kevin] "Try to talk some sense into them! They're loose cannons, ready to blow!"
Kevin: "I'll give you three to let go of me." [Edd immediately does so, clinging to Jonny instead.]
Eddy: [pulling out a cake] "Let's have some dessert before dinner and eat it with our hands!" [mouth full] "Then talk with your mouth full."
Ed: "Eddy's the man!" [He scarfs down the rest of the cake.]
Sarah: "Mom's gonna be so mad, Ed!"
Eddy: "You kids still listen to Mommy and Daddy? Too bad. [He walks to the street, now sporting cement shoes.] I guess you won't be joining us for an after-dinner swim."
Jonny: "You can't do that, Eddy!"
Eddy: "We can do whatever we want, Jonny boy."
Jimmy: "But you'll get a cramp!"
Eddy: "That's exactly what adults want you to think."
Edd: "Okay. This has gone far enough!"
Jonny: "Can me and Plank go to bed without brushing our teeth?"
Eddy: "Let 'em rot, Jonny boy!"
Sarah: "Can I stay up late?"
Jimmy: "Can I wear shoulder pads?"
Eddy: "Knock yourself out."
Kevin: [grabbing Eddy] "You're just trying to get us in trouble, aren't cha?"
Eddy: "Help, help! Kevin's beating me up!" [Kevin drops Eddy.] "Is the fuzz on its way? I think not." [to Kevin] "See, you live by the rules. Just like Double D."
Edd: "But rules are a joy to uphold!"
Kevin: "Dork alert! Rules are for losers!" [Eddy smiles at this, then laughs as a ball of wet cement plasters Kevin just above the left ear.]
Ed: "What do I win?"
Kevin: "A five-finger sandwich, ya big–"
Ed: [tickling Kevin] "Coochie coochie coochie!"
Kevin: [laughing] "Quit it!"

[Rolf, carrying a big bale of grass on his back and pushing Wilfred in a wagon, walks down the street.]
Rolf: "Come, Wilfred, we have much to do!"
Eddy: "Hey Rolfy! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
Rolf: "Who is this Jack? I know no Jack."
Edd: "Don't listen to him, Rolf! Eddy only wishes to eviscerate social order as we know it!"
Ed: [riding Wilfred] "Ed on a pig!"
Edd: [running after the pig] "Ed! You can't do that!"
Eddy: "Take a break, will ya? Relax!" [He pushes the bale off Rolf's shoulders.] "Wouldn't you rather be sloshing around in some wet cement?"
Rolf: "Why do you hinder Rolf's drudgery, three-haired Ed-boy? If my chores are not complete, I will be banished to the–" [shuddering] "–cupboard."
Eddy: "Who's gonna know? C'mon, there's a clod with your name on it." [He indicates the kids.]
Rolf: "Rolf is humbled by the cement. It makes him yearn for the life of leisure."
Ed: [playing with Wilfred] "Ha ha, what a pig."
Rolf: [joining the kids] "Give it up for Rolf, everybody!"
Edd: "Well it seems you've convinced all but one, Eddy, that rules need not apply in this cul-de-sac. Well mister, I remain an anchored ship to those rules. Terra firma, baby." [Eddy smiles evilly.] "A penny for your thoughts? Not good!" [Eddy plunges a large cardboard box over Edd.]
Eddy: "No rules rule, Double D!"
Edd: "Eddy! Help me!"
Ed: "Arf!"

Edd: "Gah! Eddy, stop!" [Eddy is mixing up the books in Edd's room.] "What in the Sam Hill are you doing? I precisely alphabetized those books for immediate reference!"
Eddy: "Alphabets are for soup." [picking a book up] "What's this? 'Joys of Rules'? Man, get a life, Double D."
Edd: "Eddy, no!" [Edd is only restrained by his hat, which is tied to a lamp. Eddy stuffs a fish in the middle of the book and slams the book shut.] "Okay, that's it! I'm gonna give you such a thrashing!"
[Edd's hat pops off of his head.]
Eddy: "Geez Louise!"
Ed: "Cool."
Edd: [nervous] "If you say one word to anyone I'll never speak to you again!"
Ed: [Edd's skull on his head] "I am dead from the neck up."
Eddy: [tearing the covers from Edd's bed] "I'll just save it and use it for ammo when I need to, Double D."
Ed: "Eddy's always a step ahead."
Eddy: [noticing the tag] "Ooh, look at this thing. Do not remove under penalty of law."
Edd: "Eddy, don't you dare remove that!"
Eddy: "Or what?" [singsong] "I feel my hand slipping!" [He starts to tear it away.]
Edd: "No, Eddy! You can't!"
[The tag tears through completely.]
Eddy: "I'm such a bad boy!"
Edd: "You've broken me, Eddy."
Eddy: "Hmm?"
Edd: "Set me free and I'll join you in destroying everything that separates us from the primates."
Eddy: "Now we're making progress."
Ed: [holding Edd's ant farm] "Yum! Like cheese?"
Edd: "No, Ed. Progress, not–" [seeing what Ed's holding] "Process! Put them down, Ed! You leave my ants alone!" [Ed spills the farm, and Edd wraps his legs around Ed's neck.] "Five thousand two hundred and thirty-nine ants, Ed! Pick them up, pick them up!" [He begins to strangle Ed with his legs.]
Eddy: "Slow down, Double D."
Ed: [choking] "I'm sorry."
Edd: [still strangling Ed as Eddy drags Ed out the door] "Where do you think you're going? Get back in here! Five thousand, two hundred and thirty–" [Ed's head slips from the headlock, and Edd shoots back inside. His ants tromp out the door.]

[Eddy steps carefully through the cul-de-sac. All of Rolf's animals are running wild.]
Eddy: "Hi, Rolf."
Ed: [chasing a chicken] "Chickens!"
Eddy: "How's it going, Stretch?"
Rolf: [relaxing] "No more chores for Rolf. I am a lazy good-for-nothing, just like the others."
Kevin: "Say goodbye to dirty dishes!" [He shoots the dishes with a slingshot.] "Awesome, eh, Nazz?"
[Nazz takes a big swig from a bottle of soda and belches deeply in reply.]
Kevin: [amazed] "Good on ya."
Nazz: "No rules rule."
Jonny: [running nude through the cul-de-sac] "Feel the wind, Plank!"
Sarah: [on top of an ice-cream mountain] "Banana chocolate fudge!"
Jimmy: "And lemon sorbet!"
Sarah: "Meet you at the bottom!" [She slides down, guzzling ice cream all the way.]
Jimmy: [finishing his slide] "I love ice cream! Yummy!"
Eddy: "Isn't this cool, Ed? We can do whatever we want!"
Ed: "Like fly?" [He attempts this and falls on Eddy.]
Edd: "Attention please. Your attention please!" [He is wearing pantyhose on his head and standing on a fire hydrant.]
Ed: "Why's Double D wearing pantyhose on his head?"
[The cul-de-sac goes silent in order to listen to Edd.]
Edd: "I have good news for us all. I have taken the liberty of phoning all your parents!"
The Kids: "What?"
Nazz: "Oh man!"
Jonny: "You didn't!"
Kevin: "You're bluffing."
Edd: "No! Really! They're on their way home right now. No thank-you's are necessary."
Eddy: "He's flipped!"
Ed: "Am I in trouble now?"
[The cul-de-sac panics and tries to clean up the mess.]
Rolf: [gathering his animals] "Come, Wilfred! Quickly!"
Sarah: [cleaning up the mountain] "Scoop faster, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "My tummy hurts!"
Nazz: [ants crawling on her] "Get off!"
Jonny: "I can't find my clothes!"
Edd: "No need to panic, as order will soon be restored!" [Ed pulls Edd off of his perch.]
Eddy: "Now we have to do what grown-ups tell us to again!"
Kevin: "Double Dork! You broke the number one rule: don't squeal!"
Rolf: [rushing past] "Wilfred is a very quiet pig, Kevin."
Kevin: "Hold it, Rolf." [He pulls Rolf back.] "Give me a hand here."
Rolf: [tossing his animals away] "Yes. The closet can wait!"
Jonny: [getting in line next to them] "I've got goosebumps!"
Eddy: "See, Double D just broke a rule. Like us, guys."
Edd: [not recognizing his crime of being a snitch] "No, I didn't–"
Eddy: [clamping Edd's mouth shut] "He's delusional. The pantyhose is too tight. His brain is squished."
[Ed, happy with this explanation, nods smilingly.]
Kevin: "I think it's time for a little order."
Rolf: "Ya ya."
[Jonny laughs menacingly as they close in on the Eds.]

[The Eds are stuck in a cage that hangs from a tree branch.]
Eddy: "I can't believe you told on us!"
Edd: "I apologize. I'm not sure what came over me. The flagrant disregard for rules must have caused me to go, uh, temporarily insane."
Ed: "Somebody's coming!"
Eddy: "Hey, over here!" [He puts out a sign saying "Help."] "Help?"
Edd: [holding a "Please Assist" sign] "Please assist!"
Ed: "Ketchup!" [He holds out a sign with the word written on it.]
Eddy: "Yoo hoo, up here!" [Rolf walks by.]
Ed: "Just a squirt?"
Rolf: [faintly] "You crazy?"
Eddy: "Can't you read?"
Edd: "Signs are meant to be read?"
Ed: "There's Jonny!"
Eddy: "Hey, up here!"
Jonny: "Listen to the clams gurgle in the bucket, Plank."
Eddy: "Help us out!"
Jonny: "Gesundheit!"
Eddy: "Be a rebel, c'mon!"

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide