Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Shovelfuls of dirt fly over a fence. The Eds look out and see Rolf working furiously, a saltshaker on his head. Rolf shakes the salt into a bag and unknots it, revealing a fancy phone.]
Eddy: "Check out the phone! Rolf! How's a dud like you get a happening phone like this?"
Rolf: "Stay back!" [He picks the phone up with a shovel and holds it over the hole.]
Eddy: "You ain't throwing it away, are ya, stretch?"
Rolf: "Ask no questions!" [He dumps the phone in the hole.] "Shlack nor dah!" [Rolf buries it.]
Edd: "A ceremonial telephone burial? My, how quaint."
Ed: "Can I help, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Step no further! Rolf must complete this task forced upon him or we are all doomed!" [Eddy has taken the phone and is dusting it off.]
Eddy: "I'll give ya...a shoelace for it."
Rolf: "FOOL!" [He slaps the telephone into the hole, making Eddy's hand swell up like a beach ball, then buries it again.]
Edd: "Pardon me, Rolf, but how can a telephone be a messenger of doom?"
Rolf: [having buried the phone] "Know-nothing!"
Eddy: "Don't bury it, give it to me!"
Rolf: "Walk away from the suffering that has cursed Rolf's family for generations, Ed-boy!"
Eddy: [leading Rolf away] "I got a feeling you cracked there, Dracula. Why don't you get Victor to give you a massage or something, and I'll guard the big bad phone for ya?"
Rolf: "Victor's hooves are magic on Rolf's hardened muscles. Thank you, Ed-boy! Thank you!"
Edd: "That was really nice of you, Eddy, to ease Rolf's intrinsic guilt."
Eddy: "Idiot." [Rolf turns the corner.] "Okay, Ed! Dig!"
Ed: "Goodie goodie!" [digging] "Dig a hole, dig a hole."
Edd: "Really, Eddy? Another knickknack for that already overstimulated room of yours?"
Eddy: "Jealous!"
[As the screen goes black, an errant clod of dirt hits Edd.]
Edd: "Ouch!"

[Eddy puts a record on and swats a candle off his bedside table. He places the telephone in the newly vacated spot and looks at it admiringly.]
Eddy: "Cuts a figure in society, don't it!"
Ed: "Is that a new phone?"
Edd: "Please stay with us, Ed."
[The phone rings.]
Eddy: "Somebody's calling me!"
Edd: "Strange. There doesn't seem to be any connection, yet–"
Eddy: "So? It's called a cordless, grampa." [answering] "Hello?"
[The record on the turntable wobbles and shoots off, hitting Eddy on the side of his head.]
Edd: "Edward!"
Ed: "Yes, Mommy?"
Eddy: "What's with you?"
Ed: "It wasn't me, Eddy!" [He hangs the phone up.] "Honest and for truly!" [The phone rings.] "Got it!"
Eddy: "Get away from my phone, stupid! It's probably Nazz."
Edd: "And I'm Theodore Geisel."
Eddy: [picking up the phone] "What's cookin, good lookin?"
[A spring from his bed suddenly shoots up, sending Eddy flying towards the ceiling. Eddy falls back down onto the spring, wrapping himself in it.]
Ed: "I know where you're going with this, Eddy!" [He climbs into bed.] "Nighty-night."
Edd: "Looks like you could use a new mattress, Eddy. Shall we ask Rolf if he's buried one somewhere?"
Eddy: [distracted] "Yeah, sure. Rolf?"
[The phone rings again.]
Edd: "Could be all those swooning adolescent girlfriends that reside in your own mind."
Eddy: "Yello?"
[A bicycle ice-cream-cart bursts through his door and rebounds off the wall and ceiling, landing on Eddy. Ed takes the phone.]
Ed: "Eddy's in pain now. He'll have to call you back." [He hangs up the phone.]
Edd: [walking outside] "What an unfortunate set of circumstances."
[Eddy runs out and places the phone on his patio. He then goes back and cowers in his room.]
Eddy: "Something's up with this phone!"
[It rings, and Ed goes to get it.]
Ed: "Sarah!"
Eddy: [holding his friend back] "Let it ring, Ed! Pretend we're not home!"
[Ed throws Eddy at the phone.]
Ed: "It's for you, Eddy!"
[Eddy hits the phone, knocking it off its perch. He stands up and looks around warily, afraid of the next disaster. Fearfully, he picks up the receiver.]
Eddy: "Hello?"
[A skunk tail protrudes from a bush beside him. Eddy gets blasted. The skunk walks away.]
Edd: "Oh look, Ed, a skunk! Did you know in some places it's also known as a polecat?"
Ed: "Who stepped on a duck?"
Eddy: "THIS STUPID PHONE'S CURSED!" [He runs inside and starts applying deodorant.]
Edd: [outside] "Oh come now, Eddy. These unfortunate mishaps are random at best. Any relationship to Rolf's 'Telephone of Doom' is pure coincidence."
Eddy: "I say we test it."
Edd: "Test it?"
Ed: "Like mustard?"

[Eddy, wearing a helmet and behind a blockade, is working a makeshift air-raid siren.]
Eddy: "Evacuate the area! Man your stations!"
[Ed, wearing a mattress and helmet and carrying the phone with hockey sticks, sets the phone in the middle of the construction site.]
Eddy: "Easy, Ed. Easy...stand clear, Lumpy!" [Ed hustles off.]
Edd: "Honestly, Eddy, it's just a phone."
[Eddy raises the binoculars and looks at the cursed phone.]
Eddy: "What's taking it?"
Edd: "Maybe it's on to us, Eddy." [He giggles, and the phone rings.]
Eddy: "Ah ha!" [Ed stands by the phone, not answering it.] "You're supposed to answer it, idiot!"
[Eddy crouches behind the barricade.]
Ed: "Hello?"
[Nothing happens.]
Edd: "There. Your test proves it, Eddy. Any correlation between the phone and your accidents is–"
[A lightpole breaks and falls on Eddy.]
Eddy: [crushed] "Ow."
Edd: "I assure you, there is a rational reason for this mischance, Eddy." [He picks something up from the base.] "Ah! Here's your culprit. Just a rusty worn nut."
Eddy: [dazed] "Bad phone...evil...rotten..."
Ed: "And itchy."
[The phone rings.]
Eddy: "Don't answer it, Ed!"
Edd: "Rusty worn nut, Eddy!"
Ed: [answering the call] "Me again!"
[Eddy, fearful, looks up at another light. He pushes Ed in front of him in order to keep the light away. From behind, a giant concrete pipe rolls onto him.]

[Rolf is relaxing is his home when somebody knocks on his door. He opens it, a steaming cup of cocoa in hand.]
Rolf: "Can the son of a shepherd assist you?"
Eddy: "Yeah, take back your stupid phone, it's cursed I tell ya!" [He gives Rolf the phone.]
Rolf: [realizing he holds the phone] "Yiglac! You have resurrected the dispatcher of despair! Let it be on your head!" [He tosses Eddy the phone.]
Eddy: "Ach! It's yours, you keep it!" [He throws it to Rolf.]
Rolf: "Half-wit Ed-boy!" [Ed captures it.]
Ed: "Hot potato!" [Edd catches it.]
Edd: "If I may interject–" [Eddy throws Edd at Rolf, and Rolf throws him to Ed.] "People, please! Control yourselves!" [Ed tosses Edd back to Rolf.] "Wait! You've let a common household phone feed upon your lack of rational thinking!" [Eddy catches Edd, and Edd clings to Eddy. Eddy tries to throw him.] "Eddy!" [Eddy throws Edd off the phone and tries to hand it to Rolf.]
Eddy: "Rolf! Take it back! Take it, take it!" [Rolf, backing up, pushes his house back.]
Rolf: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Eddy: "I'm begging you!"
Rolf: "What is that? Who are you?"
[Rolf darts inside, slamming the door in Eddy's face. The phone rebounds and flies towards Ed.]
Ed: "I got it, I got it!" [He catches the phone.]
[The phone rings.]
Edd: "Oh, for goodness sake!" [picking up the phone] "Let's put an end to this once and for all!" [on the phone] "Hello, Eddward Double-D speaking."
[A truck comes along and crushes Eddy.]
Eddy: "Mommy!"

[Jonny is waiting outside an outhouse. Eddy runs along the sidewalk and spots Jonny. Jonny looks up only to see that Eddy is nowhere to be found. Eddy suddenly appears right in front of Jonny.]
Eddy: "Hey, Jonny boy! Here! Have a phone!" [He gives Jonny the phone.] "Yours to keep! Free!" [Ed slathers glue on Jonny's head.] "We'll just–glue it to your head so you don't lose it! Okay?"
Jonny: [confused] "Oh-kay?"
[Eddy happily takes his friends and runs off.]
Jonny: "Plank, get out here! We just scored the coolest phone!"

[Eddy runs down the sidewalk, juggling his friends.]
Eddy: "Woohoo! I'm off the hook!" [singsong] "No more bad luck!"
Ed: "Or bathtub rings!"
Edd: "I'm gonna be sick!"
[Eddy drops them and laughs.]
Eddy: "No more cursed phones for this guy."
Edd: "Telephone's aren't CURSED EDDY, THEY'RE PLASTIC! Calm down, Double D. Think ocean waves, sea mammals, arias."
Ed: "Was that your dark side, Double D?"
Eddy: "Shake a leg, girls! There's still enough light to get a scam in before shut-eye!"
Ed: "Didn't hear a word you said, Eddy!"
Edd: "Count me in, Eddy. I'm all for a bit of normality after a day like today."

[Eddy is running a scam in front of his house. Ed draws on a cover of a box of "Ed Flakes" cereal.]
Ed: "Well, that's a keeper."
Eddy: "Rise and shine, folks! Get your Ed Flakes cereal here!"
Edd: [carrying milk] "Excuse me, Eddy, but wouldn't a breakfast venture be more suited to a morning clientele?"
Eddy: "This ain't your same ol' same ol' breakfast cereal, Double D. It's one hundred percent–" [he pulls on a wire] "–curse free!" [A sign unfolds bearing the declaration.]
Edd: [flabbergasted] "Eddy, get off this curse fixation! There's no. Such. Thing!"
Eddy: "Says you." [A tree falls onto him, crushing the scam.]
Ed: "Good morning, tree."
Eddy: [crawling out] "See? Whaddya call that?"
[Eddy looks around nervously. Suddenly, a bucket and shovel fall into his hands. He looks up just in time to see a sandbox fall onto him. The sand follows shortly thereafter. A rumbling is heard.]
Eddy: "HIPPOS!" [He is trampled by the rampaging herd. Edd grins widely.]
Edd: [ecstatic] "Ah-ha! Proof positive! These unfortunate incidents have been nothing more than coincidence! Look around you, Eddy, and what do you see?" [Eddy is struck by lightning.] "Nothing! Do you see a phone? I don't see a phone. No phone, no curse. I rest my case."
Eddy: "WHY ME?!" [He tries to run away, but is crushed by a wall when his house falls apart.]
Edd: "Coincidence, Eddy!"

[The cursed phone rings. Jonny picks it up and hands it to Plank. In the distance, a crunch and Eddy's scream can be heard. Jonny replaces the phone on its stand, where it rings again.]
Jonny: "Boy, Plank, you sure are a popular guy!"
[Eddy screams as something else falls on him.]
Eddy: "HELP ME!"
[The episode closes with an iris-in on Plank's smile.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide