Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Kevin opens what is presumably a car's trunk. He is in the junkyard. He pulls something out–specifically, an air freshener in the shape of a tree–but then frowns, as it wasn't what he was looking for.]
Kevin: "Awesome!" [He pulls a bike pedal out. It is revealed that he was looking in the hood of a car.] "Just what I was looking for." [The sound of someone cracking their knuckles is heard. Angrily] "Who's there?" [The junkyard is eerily silent.] "This place gives me the creeps." [He turns around to see Plank immediately in front of him, startling him.] "AAH!"
[Kevin trips over something, landing on an ironing board. This board surfs down a mountain of junk until it crashes into a washing machine, launching Kevin head-first into another mound of rubble. His legs pop up out of a toaster on the top of the heap.]
Jonny: "Whatcha doin', Kevin? Did you lose something? Maybe he lost something, Plank. What's that, Plank?"
Jonny: [to Kevin] "Plank says you should be more careful not to lose things."
Kevin: [kicking the toaster off his foot] "You're bugging me, man. Take a hike!"
Jonny: [holding out a toilet seat] "Did you lose this, Kevin?" [from behind another trash heap] "Hey, Kevin, Plank found a bedspring!" [from yet another heap] "Kevin, do you like that shoe?" [right behind him] "Kevin, whatcha doin'?"
Kevin: "Chill, and hang with me." [pointing into the distance] "OVER THERE!"
Jonny: "Really?" [way too excited] "Let's hang, Plank! Whatever that means." [he runs off]
Kevin: "What a leech."
Jonny: [coming back] "Hoo-hoo! Kevin! We found a bike! We found a bike!" [He rides by on Kevin's bike.]
Kevin: [chasing him] "That's MY bike! GET BACK HERE!"

[The Eds are sitting on a curb, glumly.]
Edd: "Relish the fine summer's day, Eddy. Absorb the solitude of the cul-de-sac. The aroma of fresh-cut grass."
Eddy: [grumpily] "It stinks. I'm bored."
Ed: "I forgot to wear underwear, guys."
[The other Eds stare at him before returning to their original positions when Jonny comes in, riding the bike. He uses Ed as a ramp, and lands on Edd and Eddy. He then drives off.]
Ed: "Hi, Jonny."
Kevin: [exhausted] "Come back here with my bike!"
Ed: "Hi, Kevin."
Kevin: "That kid's really bugging me."
Eddy: "Check it out! Kevin's talking to himself."
Edd: "Seems as though Kevin's at wits end!"
Kevin: [still to himself] "Man, I'd give anything to get rid of that twerp."
Edd: [seeing Eddy get an idea] "Oh dear. Ed! Eddy's got that insidious look again!"
Ed: "Eddy should eat more vegetables." [Eddy then runs excitedly to the centre of the conflict.]
Kevin: "Quit fooling around, Jonny! Mess up my paint job and I'll pound ya!" [sees Eddy next to him] "Whadda you looking at?"
Eddy: [smugly] "I hear you'd give anything to get rid of Jonny."
Kevin: [grabbing Eddy by the nose] "Get a life, dork." [He lets go of Eddy's nose.]
Jonny: "Stop tickling me, Plank." [A crash is heard. A bike wheel rolls onscreen and settles by Kevin's foot. Kevin picks it up; the spokes are mangled, and the wheel is bent.]
Kevin: "So, you're telling me you can get rid of him?"
Eddy: "Going rate's a quarter."
Kevin: "I'll give you a nickel."
Eddy: "A QUARTER!"
Kevin: "A NICKEL!" [calmer] "Get over yourself."
Eddy: "What's the big deal, cheapskate?"
Jonny: [interrupting; he has broken bike parts all over his body] "Hey Kevin! I'm the bike pixie! Catch me if you can!" [he runs off laughing]
Eddy: [taking his hair out, revealing a coin slot] "Go on." [Kevin throws some coins in.]
Kevin: "Fine." [grabbing Eddy] "But if that kid comes within ten feet of me..." [He makes a throat-slicing gesture.]
Eddy: [examining his haul] "There's gotta be like 30 cents here!"
Jonny: "I'm a pixie! Let's dance in the woods, Plank!"
Edd: "I can see how Jonny's innocent game-playing could wear on someone's nerves."
Jonny: [dancing around Ed] "Flutter around the mushrooms, that's what pixies do!" [stops] "Watch this, Ed!" [He turns around and does something to his face. When he turns back, his eyes are red and Plank is sticking out of the neck hole in his shirt.] "I'm a two-headed monster! Uugh! Attack the mushroom!" [He climbs up Ed to stand on top of his head.]
Ed: "Boy, are you a pain in the neck, Jonny!"
Eddy: [having an idea] "Let's turn Jonny into the biggest pest on earth! Kids'll throw money at us just to get rid of him!" [as Jonny bites Ed] "C'mon, Ed! Let's create a monster!"
Ed: [thoroughly harassed] "HE'S LIKE A BAD ITCH, EDDY! AAAGGHH! GET HIM OFF! HE'S ANNOYING MY HEAD! AAAGGH!" [Ed falls and rolls down the street with Jonny still biting him, prompting Edd to run after them.]

[Ed is in a small shed. He is pulling on chains to move something while laughing maniacally. It is revealed that a bed, with a figure under a white sheet on it, is being lowered from the ceiling. It comes down to where Ed, Edd, and Eddy are standing.]
Eddy: "Ready?"
Edd: "As I'll ever be, Eddy." [Eddy pulls the sheet off.]
Ed: "Repulsive."
[Jonny is lying there, dressed in an incredibly loud jacket and tie. He pulls on his face to stretch it out, then lets go and giggles.]
Edd: [annoyed] "A suit? Annoying? I spent two hours counterbalancing chains, and all you can come up with is a suit?" [As he speaks, he continuously puts Jonny's suspended legs down only for Jonny to raise them back up.]
Eddy: "What's with you? It's the most annoying thing I could think of."
Edd: "My father wears a suit!"
Eddy: "Exactly."
Edd: "Well I suggest something a little more on topic. Anchovies. The person who invented this smelly salty fish dish should have been imprisoned for the rest of their life." [turns to Jonny and tries to feed him] "Open wide please."
Jonny: "I smell something fishy!" [he dodges.]
Edd: "Please, Jonny." [Jonny laughs and dodges again.] "Please, Jonny!"
Jonny: "Plank says fish is–" [Edd stuffs the spoon full of anchovies in his mouth and brushes his teeth with it. Ed then glues a block of wood to Jonny's left foot.]
Ed: "I glued a block of wood to Jonny's foot."
Edd: "Ed, why did you glue a wooden block to Jonny's foot? Why these chains? And why the suit? WHY JONNY?"
Eddy: [trying to rile Jonny up] "Jonny, people really like it when you say WHY ALL THE TIME!"
Jonny: "They do? Why? Why? Why? Why?"
Ed: "And people really like it when you poke them on the head." [He demonstrates on Eddy.] "Poke, poke, poke."
Eddy: "Ed!"
Ed: "See? Eddy likes it."
Jonny: [laughs] "YEEEEE-HAAAAA!" [A cloud of anchovy stench blows out of giant mouth as he speaks.]
Eddy: "Jonny! That's gold! Do it again."
Jonny: "YEE-HAA!"
Ed: [waves off the breath cloud] "Low tide."
Jonny: "YEE-HAA!"
Eddy: "Oh man, we're gonna be rich! C'mon Jonny, let's get cracking!"
Jonny: "No problem, Eddy!" [He cracks his knuckles.]
Ed: [covering his ears] "WHAT A PEST!"
Edd: "That's disgusting."
Ed: [running away from the noise] "MAKE HIM STOP!"
Eddy: "I'm sorry, did I say rich? I meant SUPER-RICH! Let's pester!"

[Sarah and Jimmy are watching a birdhouse while having a picnic.]
Jimmy: "Do you think swallows will visit our birdhouse? Sarah?"
Sarah: "We'd be lucky if a squirrel used it, Jimmy!" [a tapping is heard] "Jimmy! It's a woodpecker, do you hear it?" [looks at Jimmy] "Huh?"
[Jonny is poking Jimmy on the head.]
Jimmy: "Aah! What Jonny, what did I do?"
Jonny: "Are you watching birds, Jimmy?" [His anchovy breath rushes out, straight into Jimmy's nostrils.]
Jimmy: [waveringly] "Fishy breath..." [he faints]
Sarah: [leaping on Jonny] "You're asking for trouble, bub!"
Jonny: [poking Sarah] "Poke poke poke!" [She falls off.]
Sarah: [seeing Jonny has disappeared] "Where'd he go? Fathead."
Jonny: [offscreen] "YEE-HAA!"
Jimmy: "Jumping Jehoshaphat!"
Jonny: [sticking his head out of the birdhouse like a cuckoo bird] "YEE-HAA!"
Jimmy: "Sarah! He's gonna scare the swallows!"
Sarah: "Jonny, get out of there!"
Jonny: [pops his head out] "Why?" [pops it back in]
Sarah: "Cause I said so."
Jonny: [repeats] "Why?"
Sarah: "Cause you're bugging us."
Jonny: [repeats again] "Why?"
Sarah: "Cause you're stupid!"
Jonny: [and again] "Why?"
Jimmy: "Why doesn't he just go away?"
Eddy: [making the scene] "For a lousy quarter, let us get that Jonny off your back."
Sarah: "Get lost, Eddy!"
Jimmy: "But Sarah, think of the swallows!"
Sarah: [rolling her eyes] "Oh, brother."
Jimmy: [giving Eddy a quarter] "Swallows are beautiful."
Eddy: "Ed, fetch!"
[Ed runs off and pulls the tree down to eye level. He then wiggles his way into the birdhouse and throws out Jonny. He then carries Jonny off and disposes of him over the fence.]
Jonny: "Hee hee! I'm having so much fun I can't stand it!"
Ed: [adorned with the remnants of the birdhouse on his body] "Jonny has left the building!"
Edd: "Are we through yet?"
Eddy: [patting Edd's cheek] "Just stand there and look pretty. NEXT!"

[Rolf is eating a sandwich. The ingredients seem to consist of lunchmeat, tentacles, and lettuce.]
Edd: [peeking out from behind Rolf's shed] "I'm not sure about this, Eddy."
Eddy: "Whaddya talking about?" [He walks back to a large box. Apparently Jonny is contained in it.] "Double D, provoke our creation."
Edd: "Boy Eddy, provoke? Those tutoring lessons must be paying off." [He slides back an opening in the door.]
Jonny: "YEE-HAA!" [Edd sticks a broom in.] "Poke poke! Why? Why? Why?" [With each why, he yanks Edd's head against the door.] "YEE-HAA!" [Edd pulls the remnants of the broom back.]
Eddy: "Stand back!" [He lifts the door and Jonny jumps out.]
Jonny: "Hmm."
Eddy: [in a stage whisper] "Go get him, tiger!"
[Jonny heads out. Ed comes onscreen with a jacket full of chickens.]
Edd: "Ed!"
Ed: [remorsefully] "I love chickens, Double D."
Edd: "Yes, we know, Ed."

[Rolf bends down to get his juice and notices Jonny.]
Rolf: "Jonny Woodboy?"
Jonny: "Can I have a bite of your sandwich, Rolf?"
Rolf: [smelling Rolf's breath] "Anchovy paste." [thinking] "Nineteen...fifty-two! A fine year." [grabbing Jonny] "Hail to the anchovy! Rolf respects the stench."
Jonny: [poking Rolf] "Poke. Poke. Poke!"
Rolf: "Ho ho! Rolf is honored by your knowledge of the shepherd's customary salute!" [He pokes Jonny thrice in his forehead, then slaps him on the back of the head three times, and then kicks Jonny in the butt.] "Did you catch my drift?"
Jonny: "YEEE-HAAAA!"
Rolf: "You are full of pickles and beets today, yes, Jonny?"
Jonny: "Why?"
Rolf: "I invite you and your friend–" [he tosses Jonny in the air and catches him] "–to join me! Come." [He drags Jonny off.]
Eddy: [confused] "What just happened? Rolf fell in love with the guy!"
Edd: "It appears annoyance doesn't cross cultural boundaries."
Eddy: "This calls for drastic measures!"
Edd: "Drastic measures? What does that mean? I ask you!" [He turns to Ed, who hasn't opened his mouth the whole time.]
Ed: [without opening his mouth, and thus mumbling] "I don't know."
Edd: "Ed."
[Ed shakes his head.]
Edd: "Ed!"
[Ed shrugs.]
Edd: "Goodness, Ed, give it some air, man!"
[Ed opens his mouth to reveal a chicken.]

Rolf: [as pigs lick his feet] "Are you keeping score, Jonny? The sows have yet to win at this game! Amateurs, I tell you!"
Jonny: "I don't get it either, Plank."
[Eddy, hidden in a bush, taps him on the head. He then whispers something into his ear. Jonny nods.]
Jonny: "Why?"
Eddy: "Don't milk it, Jonny." [He pushes Jonny forward.]
Edd: "What are you up to, Eddy?"
Eddy: [crouched on the ground] "TAKE COVER!"
Rolf: [laughing] "Tell me Jonny, is Rolf a hotshot?"
Jonny: "Watch this, Rolf." [He cracks his knuckles and twists his head. All the animals come to attention.]
Rolf: "Huh?"
[Jonny spins around, contorting his body into a spiral.]
Rolf: "Ack! Stampede!" [The animals all stampede.]
Eddy: [thinking his plan worked] "Any minute now and Rolf'll be begging to pay us!"
Rolf: [heads for the hills] "Run for your no-good lives!"
Eddy: "What'd I tell you? Hey Rolf, we can get rid of him for–"
Ed: [seeing the animals] "AAAHH!"
Edd: "Oh dear."
Eddy: "Huh?"
[Ed grabs them and runs into the box with them. The animals follow them in, and the door to the box shuts.]
Jonny: "Holy cow! Look, Plank!"
Eddy: [crushed by the animals] "Jonny! I'll give you a nickel if you let us out!"
Jonny: "A quarter." [He cracks his neck, causing the animals to go insane inside the box.]
Eddy: "A nickel!"
Edd: "Eddy, give him the quarter!"
Jonny: [contorting himself] "Two quarters." [The animals explode again.]
Eddy: "A nickel!"
Jonny: [doing another contortion] "Three quarters."
Eddy: "A NICKEL!"
Jonny: "A dollar!" [He goes through another contortion.]

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide