Rock-a-Bye Ed/Script

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Script

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[Sarah is sitting in a chair watching TV while listening to her brother play with a paddleball. Annoyed, she moves closer to the TV.]
Ed: "Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth!"
[The sound is a constant, drumming on the edges of her consciousness, driving into her mind, slowly becoming all she hears.]
Sarah: "YAARAHOEHAAA!" [She grabs the toy.] "STOP IT!"
Ed: "Sarah, no!" [Sarah is about to cut the string. Ed yanks his toy away.]
Sarah: "Gimme it, Ed." [Ed shakes.] "What?" [angry] "You gimme that stupid thing or I'll–I'll–" [calm] "Fine. If that's the way you want it." [vengeful] "I'm telling Mom!"
Ed: "Don't tell Mom, Sarah!" [He rushes to the kitchen, where he sees Sarah about to tell on him.]
Sarah: "Mom? As much as I hate tattletaleing, I think you should know, Ed won't let me watch television." [She pouts exaggeratedly.]
Ed: "Mom, Sarah's fibbing! Honest and for truly!" [His mother takes off her rubber gloves.] "I was in my happy place, lost in the void of my mind!"
[Ed's mom turns around. She has Jonny's face.]
Ed's Mom: "Edward, how many times have I told you to be nice to your baby sister?" [Sarah sticks her tongue out.]
Ed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"
[Ed runs away. He runs down the hall full tilt only to suddenly find that he is moving upward. He looks down and finds himself on a spoon.]
Ed's Mom: "Don't you look at me like that!"
Ed: "AAAAAAHHH!! Please, Mom, it wasn't me!"
Ed's Mom: "I see we'll have to wipe that silly grin off your face, won't we?"
Ed: "But Mom, Sarah!" [His mouth disappears. His mom appears in a judge's chair made of Planks.]
Ed's Mom: "You are accused of shirking the responsibility of an older brother. What do you have to say for yourself, young man?" [Ed, mouthless, cannot form words.] "Has the jury reached a verdict?"
[The jury is composed of twelve Sarahs. The verdict is obvious.]
Sarahs: "Guilty."
Ed's Mom: "Well, Edward, as your mother, I sentence you to be thrown into… the Kanker pit!"
[She brings her spoon down on a rest, signaling that verdict has been passed and the trial is over. Ed's mouth reappears and he screams in horror. A pit opens beneath him, revealing sharklike Kankers waiting below.]
Ed: "Bad for Ed, Mommy! Bad for Ed!"
Ed's Mom: "This hurts me more than it does you, son."
[The chains holding him back release and he falls.]

---

Ed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" [Cold water splashes over him. Ed is in his own bed; apparently the whole judge-jury sequence was a nightmare.]
Eddy: "I told you that would shut him up."
Edd: "Ed? Are you alright? [He places a towel on the side of Ed's bed before sitting down.] You must have had a horrible dream."
Ed: "It was, Double D. I was in my happy place, and Sarah told my mom I did some–"
Eddy: "That's real wacky, Ed. But hey! Here's an idea!" [he waits a beat] "We gotta go."
Edd: "Eddy! Nightmares can have lasting aftereffects. Why, there have been studies that correlated assimilations between the dream itself and the real world, if you will."
Eddy: "Aw, come on! Nazz invited us to her shindig! We never get invited to anything! I'm outta here."
Ed: [after Eddy leaves] "So anyways, the Kankers started kissing me in a pit and–"
Edd: "I didn't know we were invited." [He makes to leave.] "Coming, Ed?"
Ed: "You betcha!" [He runs out of his room and into his washing machine. After a slight mishap, he jumps out dressed in his usual attire and follows his friends.]

---

[Jimmy turns on a tape and swirls some ribbons. He goes into a complicated gymnastics routine, competing well until the end, when he gets dizzy and falls over. Kevin, the judge, holds up a 1.]
Kevin: "What a waste of a life."
Jimmy: "Did I win, Sarah? Did I?"
Nazz: [running by] "Better luck next time, Jimmy." [She does a series of jumps.]
Kevin: "Go Nazz, go!"
Nazz: "Your turn, Sarah."
[The Eds arrive.]
Eddy: "What kind of party is this? Sports?"
Edd: "Gymnastics, Eddy. A series of exercises that develop and demonstrate strength, balance, and agility!"
Eddy: "Somersaults, hoop-de-hoops, and tippy-toes. All girly stuff!" [Sarah runs into him.]
Ed: "TIPPY-TOES!" [He happily runs into the park.]
Edd: "That's the competitive spirit, Ed!"
Ed: "I'm a gymbag!" [He runs past Nazz and Jimmy.]
Nazz: "Hi, Ed. Glad you could make it."
Jonny: [turning around] "Hiya, Ed!"
[Ed, scared, skids to a stop. He looks up at Jonny, and memories of his nightmare echo in his head.]
Ed's Mom: "I see we'll have to wipe that silly grin off your face, won't we?"
[Ed turns and runs away.]
Ed: "WAAAA!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
[Edd is trying the ribbons.]
Edd: "Exhilarating."
Ed: "Don’t take my mouth! Don't take my mouth!"
Edd: "Ed?" [Ed hides in a tree (literally, he enters the tree and hide in a branch).] "Ed, stop it! Are you all right? I'm beginning to worry about you, Ed."
Eddy: "What's with him?"
Ed: "Jonny's mad at me, guys!"
[Edd and Eddy look over to Jonny.]
Jonny: "Grass is Mother Nature's wall-to-wall broadloom, buddy."
Edd: "Jonny's not mad at you, Ed. Please, come down."
Ed: "Uh uh!"
Eddy: "Get me a rock, I'll get him down."
Nazz: "Listen up, everybody! It's time for the balance beam!"
Jonny: "Isn't that what you want to be when you grow up, Plank?"
[Jonny gives Plank a friendly elbow to the side. Plank falls over, right into the path of Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Me first! Me first!" [He slips on Plank, sending the wood flying.]
Jonny: "I gotcha, buddy! I gotcha!" [Jonny miscalculates Plank's trajectory, and Plank rams into Jonny's head.]
Kevin: [laughing] "Looks good on ya, Jughead!" [He gives Jonny a 10.] "10 outta 10!"
Nazz: "Well, it's not really gymnastics, but it's original to say the least." [Nazz gives Plank a blue ribbon.]
Eddy: "Hey! Nazz is giving out ribbons! Quit your blubbering, Ed! Get down here and win me a ribbon! I love ribbons!"
Edd: "I am astounded by your callous, self-serving attitude to Ed's strange and distraught behavior! As a friend, you should be more–" [Ed's tree branch lands on Edd and Eddy.]
Ed: "Ribbons!" [He goes to join the games.]
Jimmy: [on the balance beam] "Look at me! I'm so graceful and petite!"
Ed: "Pardon me, miss." [He moves Jimmy off the board.] "I got it!" [He fails to mount the board.] "I got it!" [He can't get on the beam.] "I got it!" [Another fall.] "I got it!" [Crunch.] "I got it!"
Eddy: "HEY, JUDGE! Get ready to chalk down another winner." [Ed has managed to get on the beam.]
Ed: [flapping his arms as Edd watches] "Cock-a-doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
Jonny: [at the other end of the beam] "You think he'll lay an egg, buddy?"
[Ed remembers again.]
Ed: "AAAH! I am a good brother! It was not my fault!" [He runs into Edd at the other end and falls at Jonny's feet.]
Jonny: "Boy, Ed, you're freakin' me out."
Ed: "AAAAAAHHHH!!!" [In his haste to escape, his body ties a knot around the beam. Nazz looks on, confused, and Kevin laughs. Edd appears worried about Ed.]
Eddy: "Ed's just warming up, some mumbo-jumbo stretching stuff. Athletes. Go figure."
Jonny: [next to Ed] "Plank says, 'Coulda fooled me!' He just thought Ed was nuts!"
Edd: [helping Eddy carry the beam away] "Please excuse Ed."
[Kevin changes the 10 to a d0rk sign and holds it up.]

---

Edd: [setting Ed down outside the park] "Funny, but Ed's adverse behavior seems to be associated with Jonny. Somewhat like a phobia."
Eddy:[Watches Johny swing and humming a tune] "So? The kid weirds me out, too. Look at him!"
Edd: "There's no reason to fear Jonny, Ed. He's a good fellow who wouldn't harm a fly."
Ed: "Oh, no way! He is mad at me! He wants to punish bad Ed!"

---

[Eddy is holding something. Ed is eating, making loud noises of gulping and swallowing.]
Eddy: "Are you done yet?"
[Ed looks up from the jar of peanut butter Eddy is holding and shakes his head, spraying it everywhere.]
Eddy: "Alright, alright, alright! You animal." [Edd opens the window and climbs through.]
Ed: "Yum yum yum yum yum!" [Edd comes up and whispers in Eddy's ear.]
Eddy: "'Bout time."
Edd: "Oh Ed. Wouldn't it be fun if we had some company?"
Ed: "You bet! Do you think they will like peanut butter?" [He licks peanut butter from his finger.]
Edd: "Oh I'm sure they would!"
[The doorbell rings, and Edd and Eddy wait expectantly. Ed continues to gorge himself.]
Edd: "Um, Ed. I believe there's someone at your door."
Ed: "Company!" [He sits up, the jar wedged on his head.] "Oh goodie goodie!" [Unseeing, he runs into a wall.] "Hello?" [He hits the wall again.] "Hello?"
Edd: [sighing] "Oh dear."
Ed: "Hello?"

---

[Edd goes up and opens the door. Jonny walks in.]
Edd: "Ah! Thank you for coming!"

---

[Edd leads Jonny to the basement.]
Edd: "Right this way please."
Ed: [hitting the wall] "Hello?"
Edd: "Have I missed anything?"
Ed: "Hello? Hello?" [Eddy is ignoring Ed.]
Eddy: "Nope."
Ed: "Hello? Hello?" [Jonny takes a seat on a stool.]
Eddy: "Can we get on with it?"
Edd: [stopping Ed] "No please, not again! Let's have a seat, shall we? There's someone I'd like you to talk to." [Edd removes the jar from Ed's head. Ed stares straight at Jonny.]
Jonny: "Hiya, Ed."
Ed: [burrowing into the chair in terror] "RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It wasn't me! Sarah's lying!"
Edd: "That's quite enough, Ed. The only way to conquer your fear of Jonny is to attack it head on. It's up to you two now to resolve this dilemma."
Eddy: "Yeah, I wanna get on with my life."
Jonny: "Me and Plank have no idea what the heck you guys are talking about!"
Edd: "First stage is always denial, Jonny."
Eddy: "Kiss and make up now."
[They exit, shutting the door behind them.]

---

[Ed and Jonny sit, waiting for who knows what. Jonny looks at Ed, puzzled. Ed, for his part, cringes away from Jonny. A clock on the wall ticks past the seconds. Minutes. Each tick signifies another lost moment, and though the clicking comes fast, each seems to last an eternity.]
Plank:
Jonny: "You have a mouth, why don't you ask him?"
Plank:
Jonny: "Plank says this hurts him more than it does you."
[Ed's eyes widen and he leaps on Jonny. He squeezes Jonny tightly in a bear hug.]
Ed: "I love you mom!"
[Jonny opens his mouth and screams.]

---

Jonny: "OOOOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!"
[Jonny sits up. He is in his bed. He peeks under his bed and sees nothing.]
Jonny: "What a nightmare! That's it, no more free-range soybeans before bed. Nighty night, buddy. [He proceeds to return to sleep.]"