Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Sarah and Jimmy clap. Edd and Eddy are behind a desk, displaying their newest scam.]
Eddy: "Does your life stink like this guy's?" [Ed is standing underneath a hose, getting soaked.] "Not with this Thingamajig!" [He presses a button, and a hat pops out of the dispenser onto Ed's head. Ed smiles, and the watching kids clap.] "Stupefying, isn't it? But that ain't all a Thingamajig can do!"
Edd: [reading from a script before looking at the audience] "There's more?" [He grins sheepishly hiding the script.]
Eddy: "A lot more! Average Joe?" [He points to Ed. Ed doesn't say his line, so Eddy slaps Average Joe.]
Ed: "I have nowhere to sit!"
Eddy: "No problemo, Joe! The Thingamajig here is the only thing you'll ever need!"
[Eddy puts the contraption on the ground and presses the button. A chair shoots out of it and lands right behind Ed. Ed sits in it, happy.]
Edd: [reading, then looking at the camera] "No pro-ble-mo!"
Eddy: "It changed my life!"
Edd: [reading while walking towards the kids] "Your good looks won't sell me that fast, mister! What's this gonna cost us hard-working stiffs?" [Jimmy peeks at the script, and Edd hides it.]
Sarah: "Yeah, I bet it costs a lot!"
Eddy: "A techno-marvel like this could cost you up to a million bucks! But for the next five minutes, you can have it for one easy payment of twenty-five cents!"
[The kids eagerly rush up and buy the Thingamajig boxes.]
Rolf: "Rolf's yams inflate with glee at this thingamajig!"
Sarah: "Let's go try it, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Gee whillikers, Sarah, this Thingamajig rocks my socks!"
Edd: [after they leave] "Gentlemen, I distinctly remember assembling only one Thingamajig. How could we sell more than one Thingamajig when only one exists?"
[Ed and Eddy giggle. Edd, horrified, rushes to the boxes and throws one open. It contains nothing but light bulbs. Edd looks at his friends while Ed continues to laugh, causing Eddy to hit him with a boxing glove from the Thingamajig.]
Edd: "Eddy, how could you? You falsely swindled those unsuspecting children out of their allowances. Oh, I know, that's what we do in every show! But not like this! Double dipping within one deception is wrong!"
[Throughout his griping, Eddy is bent down; he then stuffs a sock in Edd's mouth.]
Eddy: "Let's go buy some jawbreakers." [He runs off.]
Ed: "Are you going to finish that?"

[The Eds run down the lane. Behind them, a shadowy figure alights on a tree branch.]
Ed: "Running!"
[The figure looks down suspiciously and then takes off again. Eddy continues down the lane. Ed, eating the sock, follows. He suddenly sees something and backtracks.]
Ed: "Oh, look! Up in the sky!" [The figure is silhouetted against the sky, perched on a telephone wire.]
Edd: "Is that a bird?"
Ed: "Could be a plane!"
Eddy: "What bird? Does it have a quarter in its mouth? 'Cause if I get my hands on it I'll–"
[The figure zip-lines down the wire, kicking Eddy in the face. Eddy sails into a dumpster. The figure lets go of the wire and falls.]
Eddy: "Oh, my aching–"
[The dark figure lands on the dumpster lid, bringing it down on Eddy. Eddy loses his jar. Not missing a beat, the marauder grabs it.]
Ed: "Holy cow!"
[The unnamed masked marvel leaps on Eddy, using him as a diving board. He leaps into the construction site and takes off with Eddy's rotten spoils.]
Eddy: "Hey! Get back here with my money!" [Edd notices some acorns at the scene of the crime.]
Edd: "Acorns?"
Ed: "Did you see that?" [excited] "He just swooped in and Pow! Right in your kisser, Eddy. I bet he's got like mutant-power feet or something!"
Eddy: [opens his mouth around Ed's head and yells] "HE STOLE MY CASH!"
Edd: "I wonder who this mysterious marauder could be. It seems odd that he'd appear out of nowhere just in the nick of time."
Eddy: "Oh, I know who it is!" [He pauses as Edd shoots him a disbelieving look.] "Okay, so I don't know."

[The kids are at the Thingamajig stand, grousing. Jimmy runs up.]
Jimmy: "Sarah, Sarah! My box had no Thingamajig!"
Sarah: "Mine was full of bricks, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "I've been foist upon, Sarah!" [He throws his box aside and cries with Sarah comforting him.]
Rolf: [marching over, his sleeves rolled up to show his muscles] "Rolf will teach those riff-raff Ed-boys with his foot up their–"
[The jar of money lands in the middle of the gathering. The kids look up at the shadowy figure.]
Figure: "Your money is safe and sound, good citizens of the cul-de-sac! Rip-offs are a thing of the past, for I–" [The figure swoops up, revealing himself to be a superhero with a melon on his head. His sidekick is a board of wood tied to a broom.] "–Captain Melonhead, and Splinter the Wonderwood, will protect you!"
[Captain Melonhead zooms off.]
Rolf: "Is the circus in town?"
Sarah: "That guy saved our money!"
Jimmy: "Who was that masked marvel?"

[Edd is examining the crime scene.]
Edd: "Whomever it was seems to have a complex personality. Really, acorns?"
Eddy: "We gotta find this guy, and get my money!" [The kids run by, taunting the Eds.]
Sarah: Suckers!
Rolf: "No more the mister smart-guy, huh, Ed-boys?"
Jimmy: "I believe this belongs to you." [He puts the jar on the dumpster and runs after his friends.] "Free! We're free at last!"
Eddy: [looking into the jar, amazed] "That guy gave em back their money."
Ed: [standing on Eddy's head] "Oh boy! He must be some comic book hero guy!" [As he says this, Eddy sinks from Ed's weight.]
Edd: "Comic books? Really, Ed. What we have here is a carefree upstanding young man who's simply trying to do the right thing. Why, I applaud his–" [Eddy grabs him.]
Eddy: "Oh yeah?" [He stuffs Edd in the jar.] "This place ain't big enough for the two of us! I will have my day, scam wrecker-upper!" [He laughs evilly.]

[Edd, as an old man, is at a stand. He holds a fake quarter. The stand promises...Fresh Butts?]
Edd: "How embarrassing."
Eddy: [whispering through his teeth] "Hey! Now! Say it! Do it! C'mon!"
Edd: "Um, I would like to purchase one of your butts." [He gives Eddy the quarter.] "If I may. Please, take my hard-earned money!"
Eddy: [calling to the sky] "You got it, sucker! I mean, customer! Here's your brand-new butt!" [He gives it to Edd.]
Edd: "Oh, happy day! Thank you, dishonest store clerk! I will go and use my butt now!" [He walks down the street.] "Hey!" [He rubs his butt.] "Hold your horses! This butt's been used!"
Eddy: "Ha-ha! You've been fooled!" [through a megaphone] "I have ripped off the innocent yet again!" [whispering through the megaphone] "Keep an eye out, Ed."
[Ed peers from between the sign's... cheeks.]
Ed: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh–" [he spots Captain Melonhead] "I see him, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Right on time."
Captain Melonhead: [approaching the scam] "Shed a tear, 'cause Captain Melonhead is here!"
Eddy: "Waahaahaahaahaa!"
[Eddy leaps behind the scam and tears off all his clothes. He then takes his underwear back and leaps out.]
Eddy: "You've met your match, Melonhead! Prepare yourself for...Professor Scam!"
[Eddy is dressed in a purple cape, red gloves, a red mask, and red socks. He is wearing an undershirt and underwear. Professor Scam cackles evilly.]
Ed: "The evildoer has arrived!"
Edd: "He's lost it. Honestly."
Captain Melonhead: "Unhand that money, Professor Scam!"
Professor Scam: "Never!" [He steps on a pedal, and the counter disappears, replaced with a getaway vehicle.] "I will now make my escape in my bad-to-the-bone, meaner than a junkyard dog, Professor Scam Flyer!"
[The flyer drifts away as Professor Scam laughs. Professor Scam realizes he has no vehicle.]
Professor Scam: "Oops."
[Professor Scam makes a break for it on foot. Captain Melonhead whistles, and Splinter appears. They charge after Professor Scam.]
Captain Melonhead: "It's melon time!"
Ed: "Look out for those feet, Eddy!"
[Professor Scam darts through a gap in the fence into a yard. Captain Melonhead follows. He enters the yard and looks around, not seeing his nemesis. Suddenly, Professor Scam slams the door shut and leaps onto the hero.]
Ed: [watching] "Oh no! Double D! Professor Scam has unmasked Captain Melonhead!"
[Professor Scam leaps to his feet, brandishing the melon mask.]
Professor Scam: "You're through, Melonhead! Reveal yourself!"
[Captain Melonhead stands up, revealing he is still wearing the melon mask.]
Captain Melonhead: "There's two halves to every melon, Professor Scam!"
Edd: [impressed] "That was clever."
Professor Scam: "Oh yeah? Well my Ray-of-Riches will curl your toes!"
[Professor Scam shoots neon dollar signs out of his brain at Captain Melonhead.]
Captain Melonhead: "Think fast, Melonhead!" [He uses his mask to deflect and absorb the rays.]
Ed: "The Ray of Riches will never penetrate the Force-Peel of Melon!"
[Captain Melonhead is forced backward but continues to fight. Professor Scam advances on the hero. Captain Melonhead reaches into his pocket and pulls out an acorn. He rips the top off and throws the rest at his foe.]
Professor Scam: "Had enough, Melon–"
[The acorn enters the villain's mouth and lodges in his throat as Captain Melonhead watches and grins. He chokes. Suddenly, the acorn sprouts, and a giant oak emits from his mouth. It grows tall, and Professor Scam falls from the top. Captain Melonhead charges the falling professor and knocks him into the fence. Professor Scam slides down next to a hose. Professor Scam looks at the hose and gets an idea. Captain Melonhead dives at Professor Scam, ready to finish the job. Scam points the hose at Splinter the Wonderwood.]
Professor Scam: "Freeze, Melonhead! Or the sidekick swells up like a balloon!"
[The hero stops in midair. Professor Scam moves the hose closer to the Captain's sidekick.]
Captain Melonhead: "Splinter!" [angry] "This is between me and you, Professor Scam!"
Professor Scam: "Give me an excuse."
[Ed and Edd gulp.]
Captain Melonhead: "Wait! Take me! I'm the one you want!" [defeated] "I surrender, Professor Scam."

[Captain Melonhead and Splinter hang from a tree. They are tied together by a rope. Meanwhile, Ed and Edd push Ed's tub of gravy to underneath the duo. Ed and Edd are dressed as Eddy's minions.]
Ed: "But Eddy, not my gravy!"
Professor Scam: "Silence, henchman!"
Edd: "Oh come on, Eddy! Haven't you milked this enough? Look at me!" [He indicates his clothes.]
Professor Scam: "Will you guys just laugh like evil henchmen, for Pete's sake?"
[Ed and Edd look at him. Edd fakes an unenthusiastic laugh and Ed laughs tearfully.]
Professor Scam: [indicating the gravy] "Take a good look at your tomb of doom, Melonhead!"
[The Professor laughs evilly. Rolf, Nazz, and Kevin look over the fence.]
Rolf: [scared] "Look! Our hero dangles like Victor's milk spouts!"
Captain Melonhead: [confused] "Victor's got milk spouts?"
Professor Scam: "Your gravy grave awaits!" [He begins lowering the dynamic duo.]
Jimmy: "Egads!"
[Ed and Edd back towards the entrance to the yard.]
Ed: [unhappy] "My gravy, Double D!"
[Captain Melonhead and Splinter the Wonderwood descend towards the tub. Professor Scam laughs evilly as the kids watch, terrified. Our hero is an inch from the surface when a yell is heard.]
Ed: "Release the gravy! 'Cause I, Average Joe, says so." [He activates the Thingamajig.]
[A pair of biting teeth shoot out of the Thingamajig. Captain Melonhead twists, and they slice through his ropes. Captain Melonhead grabs the rope and swings to the fence where the kids are watching.]
Professor Scam: "Ed!"
Kevin: "Leave a mark, Melon dude!"
Professor Scam: "I give! I give!"
[Captain Melonhead lands on and beats up his arch-nemesis.]
Ed: "My gravy is safe to ferment another day, Double D."
Edd: [happy] "Thank you for sharing that information, Ed."
[Captain Melonhead ties up Professor Scam and sends him flying through the fence. Ed and Edd smile, and the kids cheer. Captain Melonhead bows to the audience.]
Professor Scam: "Oh yeah?" [The kids look at him.] "Well don't count your seeds before they hatch, Melonhead. For like a bean burrito, I shall return! Henchmen, to the Scam Fortress!"
Edd: [placing a Caution sign over the hole in the fence] "It's all fun and games 'til someone gets a splinter."
[Edd eases out through the hole. Ed grabs the defeated Professor Scam and follows Edd.]
Captain Melonhead: [giving a speech] "Citizens of the cul-de-sac. Professor Scam will no longer threaten your weekly allowances. As I, Captain Melonhead, and Splinter the Wonderwood, will always fight for justice and the–"
Kevin: "Give it a rest, Jonny."
Sarah: "Yeah, we already heard it."
[The kids take off.]
Jimmy: [waving goodbye] "Toodle-oo, Captain Melonhead!"
Rolf: "What a fine head of produce he has, yes?"
Captain Melonhead: [leaping off the fence] "Back to the Melon Cave, Wonderwood! Another day-OW! [He had hit a trash can.] And another donut, huh buddy?"
[Our heroes race into the sunset, ready to fight crime the next time it rears its surprisingly good-looking head.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide