Ready, Set... Ed!/Script

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Script

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[Edd is turning a key in a wind-up toy.]
Edd: "Careful..."
Ed: "My turn!"
Edd: "Slowly..."
Ed: "My turn!"
Edd: "Careful..."
Ed: "My turn, my turn."
Edd: "Ready?" [He takes the key out, and the toy–a mechanical monster–whirs off.] "Ed, your toys are marvelous."
Ed: "And crafty."
Eddy: [reading in a chair] "Am I the only one who works around here?" [The monster gnaws its way through the chair.]
Ed: "Come to your master!"
Edd: "Listen to the mechanics of the gears, winding and churning!"
Eddy: "Yeah, like my stomach." [leaning over to look at its approach] "Hello, stupid wind-up toy."
[The monster grabs hold of Eddy and drags him onto the floor, to Edd's amusement. When Eddy gets up, the monster has chewed a hole in the spot his stomach used to be.]
Ed: "Do you smell buttered toast?"
Eddy: "ED! Your stupid toy ate my breakfast!" [He sticks his arm through the hole before the toy knocks him onto his back.]
Ed: [as his toy circles him] "Stay back! Back! Do not mess with your master!" [The toy runs under his bed.] "Obey me."
[Ed crawls under the bed to find his toy. Crawling out the other side, toyless, he sees his legs on top of his bed and amuses himself by turning his body in circles around the mattress. When he loses his grip, he focuses on getting the toy.]
Eddy: "Go get it, Dr. Brow-enstein!"
Edd: [disgusted] "Did Ed...actually crawl underneath his bed?"
[Ed sticks his head through the center of the mattress and comes up clutching the toy.]
Ed: "Got it!" [The mattress tears, and five seagulls fly out.]
Edd: "Ed! How can you live this way?! I can't breathe! I must have fresh air!"
[Edd throws open the window, and the seagulls make a beeline for it and head out into open air.]
Ed: "AAAH! Don't go! Penelope! Edmund! Nestor!"
Eddy: "I hate birds. They're so useless."
Ed: [flapping his arms] "AAAH! COME BACK!" [He stops when he hears laughter.] "Kids."
Eddy: "You're a whip, Ed."

---

[The kids are cheering as, in the lane, Kevin performs stunts on his bike.]
Kevin: "Check this out!" [He does a standstill wheelie.]
Nazz: "Go, Kevin! Go!"
[Kevin leaps into the air. He lands on the back tire and runs in place on it, moving the bike.]
Nazz: "Awesome!" [The spectators cheer.]
Rolf: "Awesome, I don't know, but very good, yes?"
Jimmy: "He's so confident! So serene!"
Eddy: "Kevin? Big deal! What's with this stuff, anyway?"
Rolf: "Kevin is breaking a world record."
Eddy: "World record? He's a hack! True records are set by professionals. Like Ed, Edd," [pushing Jimmy out of the line on the fence so that the Eds sit next to each other] "And Eddy."
Rolf: "I suppress my pain of laughter."
Kevin: "Don't worry about it, Rolf. Eddy just talks in Dorkinese."
[Kevin sails off a ramp and lands. He pedals furiously until he suddenly brakes, leaving a trail of dust, steam, and a tire smear.]
Sarah: "Yay!"
Jonny: "Oh boy!"
Jimmy: [reverently] "It's beautiful."
Ed: "Oh, way big."
Kevin: "Give it to me, Jonny."
Jonny: [marking the start with a tape measure] "Gol-ly! That's some skid mark, huh Plank?" [He measures it.]
Edd: "It must be at least thirty-two feet in length!"
Jonny: "Thirty-two feet! A new record!"
Kevin: [triumphant] "Cool."
Eddy: "What? Now you're some kind of psychic yardstick?"
Rolf: "Let me congratulate you with a victory armpit rub."
Eddy: "So what! We could beat that."
Ed: "If only we had a sack of potatoes."
Edd: "Potatoes wouldn't aid us in any way, Ed."
Kevin: [calling to the Eds] "Spare me, twerps. Why don't you show us what you got?"
Eddy: "No problem. We're pros! Just watch us."
Edd: "There he goes, involving you and I with his use of plural pronouns."
Ed: "This one's for you, Nestor." [He attempts to fly (knocking Edd off the fence) but crashes onto the ground.]

---

[A gigantic slide is set up. On top perch the Eds, balanced on a bike.]
Eddy: "Is everyone watching?"
Edd: "Well, duh Eddy, this contraption only takes up half of the cul-de-sac."
Eddy: [at first miffed, but then deciding to ignore it] "World record, here we come!"
Ed: "Plural pronoun!"
[The bike begins to slide backwards.]
Eddy: "Wha?"
Edd: "Oh dear."
Ed: "Giddy-up!"
The Eds: [falling] "WRONG WAY!"
[The Eds and their bike land in a crumpled, mangled heap in a hole at the slide's base.]
Kevin: "Oh, you guys are good." [He and the rest of the assembly laugh.] "Real pros. How can I compete?"
Rolf: "My feet swell with joy."
Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy."
[The kids leave.]
Edd: "Eddy, may I suggest something less physical? Like knitting!"
Eddy: [excited] "Knitting? I can see it all now! We knit a big blanket! A huge blanket! Kevin would have to out-knit us!"
Edd: "That-that he would."
Ed: "I like blankets with little fringes and–"
Eddy: "NOT KNITTING!!! We move to Plan B. Knitting, please."

---

[Rolf hits the grass hard.]
Rolf: "Ya ya!" [He gets up and throws himself down again.] "How was that? Fifty-six body slams in a row."
Jonny: "And not a bead of sweat!"
Rolf: [to Kevin] "You are good, but I must tempt you with Rolf's record for...Unicycle Shenanigans." [He pulls a unicycle out of his pocket.]
Kevin: "Right, but don't count your chickens."
Rolf: "Why would I not count my chickens?"
[Sarah and Jimmy are hanging from the monkey bars.]
Sarah: "Chin-ups are an easy record, Jimmy."
[Kevin wheels over and snatches them from the bars.]
Kevin: "Half-pints, over easy!"
Rolf: [laughing] "Now spin them around like a sick goat!"
Nazz: [while Jonny laughs] "Rolf, you sure are Old World."
Eddy: [suddenly making the scene] "Ha ha ha, some record Kev. What's next? Pillow Fluffing? Yawn."
Kevin: [dropping his charges] "What are you dorking about now?"
Eddy: "The record just set by moi and my two engineers: The Fastest Trip Around the World! With a rocket car! That went so fast, the paint peeled off!"
Kevin: "Yeah, right. You don't have a rocket car."
Eddy: "Oh? Then how do you explain this baguette?" [He pulls out a loaf of French bread.] "I picked it up on a fuel stop in France. And I got this Chinese food in Chinaland." [He throws a container of Chinese food at Kevin.] "Record-breaking. Rocket car."
Kevin: [throwing the noodles on Eddy] "Alright, Moo-Goo-Gai-Dork." [He uses chopsticks to grab Eddy's nose.] "Let's see your rocket car." [He spins Eddy around and hurls the boy.]
Rolf: "Does it have shiny fins?"
Jimmy: "How fast does it go, Rocket Man?"
Kevin: [sarcastic] "Does it have knobs?"
Eddy: [pushing Kevin's face into the grass] "Come see for yourself! Just down the Lane."
Jonny: "Oh boy!"
Nazz: "Show us, Eddy!"
Kevin: "Right. Let's go."
Eddy: [as the kids cheer] "To the rocket car!"
Kevin: [pulling Eddy down] "Excellent idea."
Eddy: [throwing Kevin forward] "After you."
Kevin: [grabbing Eddy's wrist] "Please, lead the way." [He flips Eddy.]
Eddy: "Right this way!" [He knocks Kevin over.]
Kevin: "You first." [He grabs Eddy; the boys continue fighting off-screen.]
Eddy: "Watch your step."
Kevin: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Eddy: "Voulez-vous, and I do mean you."

---

[The Rocket Car stands in the middle of the lane. Its nose is a traffic cone, and the rest of the body is made of scrap metal. The wheels seem to have been taken from a wagon.]
Edd: "All done."
Ed: "Whoa, that's so cool, Double D."
Edd: "Thank you, Ed."
Ed: "Can we visit the planet of Baconmen and have the marrow sucked from our bones?"
Edd: "It's just a prop, Ed."
Ed: "It's too small."
Edd: "Small? Please, Ed! It's compact." [Eddy slides across the dirt.]
Kevin: [leaping on Eddy] "I insist!"
Eddy: "Ladies first!" [Kevin walks over to the car. The car is barely as tall as Kevin.]
Kevin: [clearly unimpressed] "This is a rocket car? Yeah, right. Is that a traffic cone?"
Eddy: "Uh, yeah, well–"
Ed: [his arms full of kids] "Ready for launch!" [He crams the kids into the car, which is indeed far too small.]
Edd: "Oh dear! It is too small!" [Ed uses a broom to push them in completely.]
Ed: "Room for one more!"
Kevin: "Touch me with that broom and I'll tear off your eyebrow."
Eddy: "Ready, Double D?"
Edd: "The success of this is slim to low–"
Eddy: "Okay, prepare to blast off!" [squeezing through the lifted cone] "Watch the head, big guy."
Ed: [slamming the cone] "Where?"
Kevin: "Where's the other dweebs?"
Eddy: "You wanna be cramped up with Ed's pits?"
[The kids all realize what horror this would be.]
Jonny: "No!"
Eddy: "Prepare for blastoff!" [pressing buttons] "Depending turbine thrusters. Shaving spark plugs. Contact!" [He pulls a hammer, which serves as a gearshift, into place.] "Fast, baby!" [The car begins to shake.]
Jimmy: "We're moving, Sarah!"
Eddy: "Don't blink. We're already passing through Scotland!"
Jimmy: "Look look! A man wearing a dress!"
[Out the window, Ed is in a kilt and playing the bagpipes.]
Eddy: "Now we're whizzing past Switzerland!"
Rolf: "I smell a goat!"
[Ed is in a goat suit, and Edd is in traditional Swiss garb. The backdrop they are running on is now mountainous.]
Rolf: "Yes, look. A find mate for Victor, yes? Hello!"
Eddy: "Get over it, Rolf."
[A popcorn maker is seen. It is making the car shake. The backdrop is a machine that rolls landscape scenery while Eddy's friends run in front in the traditional garb of the places indicated by the scenery.]
Nazz: "Look, Mexico. Let's tan!"
Ed: "I'm homesick." [He stops pretending to run. Kevin notices this, and his eyes narrow.]
Jonny: "Excuse me, pilot? Plank's feeling a little woozy."
Eddy: "Normal behavior, 'cause we're over the Specific ocean!"
[Edd is pretending to waterski. Suddenly Ed, dressed as a shark, menaces him.]
Jimmy: "Jiminy, a shark!"
[Kevin comes up to the duo. It is now apparent he has figured out the game.]
Eddy: "Do not fear. Hyperspeed!" [He pushes down a flush. In the back of the car, Jimmy is the only person still there. As he looks for his friends, Kevin reaches in and drags Jimmy out.] "There goes Egypt! Africa! Afghanistan!" [Kevin pushes Ed and Edd through the hatch. The duo are tied to each other and their mouths are gagged.]
Kevin: "Pop goes the Eddy!" [He pulls Eddy through the cone.]
Eddy: [giggling nervously] "Hi Kev." [Kevin comes back with a huge bag of uncooked popcorn.] "Kevin, uh, what are you doing?" [Kevin pours the kernels into the popcorn maker.] "Kevin? Please! Kevin! Can'tcha take a joke?"
[The car begins to vibrate furiously, and the gags fall off.]
Edd: "Oh dear!"
[The kids laugh. The popcorn starts to pop, and corn explodes out, sending the car into the great wide open.]

---

[The car lands somewhere. This place is high above the ground.]
Ed: "Connecticut?"
[The Rocket Car is perched on top of the giant ramp the Eds built earlier.]
Edd: "Not good!"
[The car goes down the slide. At the bottom, it breaks open, a victim of actual high speed.]
Ed: "I think I swallowed a turtle."
Eddy: [dazed] "What country are we in?"
Edd: "We're home, Eddy. And we've broken everything but a record."
Ed: "Can I wear a dress again?" [Eddy collapses as Ed lets out one last laugh.]