Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Eddy is in his bed, snoring away.]
Eddy: [dreaming] "Oh, no no, who else? Of course! [grabbing a tissue box] I accept this award on behalf of myself."
[His room begins to shake as though an earthquake is going on. He wakes and, after some nervousness, gets out of bed. The shaking of his room rattles him and throws him against the window, where he looks out to see Rolf's tractor cutting his grass.]
Eddy: [screaming at Rolf unintelligibly] "Gra grammit grammit, gra grammit grammit grammit..."
Rolf: "Good morning Eddy, nice haircut." [He continues to cut the grass as Eddy screams.]

[Ed is sprawled out on his bed, no sheets on. He suddenly sits up and begins to shiver. He then folds his mattress over him, which pushes his feet through the bed.]

[Edd is sleeping. An alarm clock ticks beside him. He snores, his snores getting faster and faster until suddenly he wakes. He switches on his lamp and makes his bed.]
Edd: "Messy messy messy." [He smooths the covers out and folds the top end down. He then brings out a huge iron from under his bed and irons the sheets.] "Ha ha!"
[Edd then pulls out a balance stick. When it shows the covers are level, he smiles.]

[Eddy is walking down the street in his underclothes, a pillow against his head.]
Eddy: "This will do." [He falls asleep on the sidewalk, where Edd finds him a bit later.]
Edd: "Good morning, Eddy!" [when Eddy doesn't respond] "Eddy?"
Eddy: [waking up] "Get out of my room, Double D."
Edd: "I'm outside, Eddy. I've got a paper route!" [He holds out his bag as evidence.]
Eddy: [yawns] "Why?"
Edd: "I'm saving my earnings for an electron microscope! I've only got nineteen thousand, four hundred and seventy-two dollars and eighteen cents to go!"
Eddy: [waking up completely] "Double D! If you can make that much dough with one route, think of what you could make with five! No, fifty!"
Edd: [powerless, realizing Eddy has designs on him] "But–but but Eddy!"
Eddy: "No buts. Ed'll help ya!"

Edd: [coming in from his route] "Another day, another nickel!" [He goes over to his window.] "What a beautiful morning!"
[Edd spreads the curtains to reveal a humongous stack of papers outside his window.]
Edd: "Uh oh! Huh?" [The window bursts open, avalanching newspapers into Edd's room.] "Oh, boy. Eddy!"

[Ed is running down the street laughing when he suddenly sees the huge pile of newspapers. He tries to stop but isn't able to in time, and so plows into them.]
Ed: "Sorry I am late, Double D!" [He looks up at the newspaper pile.] "Cool. Double D?"
Edd: [crawling out from the pile, gasping] "Eddy ordered too many papers."
Ed: "Ho ho! Yeah!" [He swims in the newspapers.]
Edd: "Ed, have you seen Eddy?"
Ed: "Eddy's sleeping."
Edd: [exasperated] "Eddy promised to help deliver these! Please retrieve him for me."
Ed: "Okay." [Ed salutes and backstrokes off to do Edd's bidding. He swims off the edge of the tower and falls.] "Ow. Super."

[Ed is straining to pull a wagon which is filled with the newspapers. The papers are all stacked in it, forming an enormous tower. At the top of the tower is Eddy's bed. In the bed is Eddy, who has fuzzy dice stuffed in his ears. Eddy suddenly awakes. He sits up, pulls the dice from his ears, and gets up, not quite sober. He makes walking motions, not realizing that he's falling freely towards the ground.]
Eddy: "Wowayoh!" [He hits the ground.]
Ed: [turning to look at him] "Huh?"
Eddy: [staring at the paper tower] "Hey!" [He sees it as dollar signs] "Cha-ching!" [turning to Ed, who has a stack of newspapers in his arms] "C'mon, Ed, shake a leg! These papers need a home!" [scheming] "And we need jawbreakers." [to Edd, who is climbing down the stack] "Huh? Where were you?"
Edd: "You didn't make your bed."
[Edd smiles as Eddy slaps his forehead in disgust.]

[Edd runs over to a house with a newspaper. He pulls out a duster and dusts the welcome mat. Edd then places the paper on the mat. Realizing it's crooked, he straightens the newspaper and runs back to the wagon for another one. Ed, meanwhile, runs to a house, a stack of newspapers in his arms. When he gets there, he puts the stack on his head and opens the mailbox. He places paper after paper in the mailbox, not realizing that the back has burst. He then puts up the red flag.]
Ed: "Read all about it!"
Edd: [to Eddy, who is tanning himself] "Careful Eddy, you might burn." [He stops, judges the wind, does some calculations, and then pulls out a paper. He throws it up, and it lands, perfectly wedged, in a mail slot.] "Correct!"
[Ed runs up to a fenced in house. He tries to open the gate but cannot do it. After a couple more unsuccessful attempts, he decides to jump it. He backs up to the other side of the street, puts the newspaper in his teeth, and runs for the fence. He almost makes it over, but the seat of his pants gets caught on the door, and he hangs from the door upside down. We then see Edd, rummaging in his bag.]
Ed: [offscreen] "Help! I'm stuck!"
[Edd puts his hand to his ear and then rushes to his friend's rescue. He throws open the gate, slamming Ed against the fence.]
Edd: "Ed! Where are you?" [A growling is heard. There is a small dog at Edd's feet.] "Shoo. Shoo shoo. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo." [The dog opens his mouth wide and chomps down on Edd's shin.] "Oh dear. NOT MY SOCKS!" [hysterical] "Get off, off! Off! Off!"
[The scene closes on Edd trying to get the dog off and Ed still stuck to the fence.]

Eddy: [reading a newspaper] "Yeah, right."
Ed: "Eddy!"
Eddy: [to Ed, who still has the paper in his mouth] "Where's your pants?" [Edd is jumping around in the background, the dog still attached.]
Ed: [talking through the newspaper] "Burna nill rump."
Eddy: "Don't eat the profit!" [He takes the paper.] "Let me show you how it's done, chicken legs."
[Eddy stands in front of a house. He raises the paper up and throws. Predictably, the paper falls apart into its separate sheets, useless.]
Eddy: "Well, I'm pooped. We need an easier way of delivering these papers!" [He and Ed turn to Edd, who has just arrived, looking beaten.]
Edd: [sarcastically] "Oh, let me solve our problems."

Eddy: [in a garage] "Ready, Double D?"
Edd: [sliding out from under something] "Yeah! I'm happy with it, Eddy!" [Eddy goes off to look at it.]
Ed: [following Eddy] "I'm happy with Eddy too. Ooh!" [He looks at the machine, a Newspaper Launcher.] "Does it work?"
Eddy: [slapping his hand away] "Don't touch it! Let's go." [He wheels it off.]
Edd: "Good idea."

[The Eds are outside with the machine.]
Eddy: "Let 'er rip!"
[Edd flips a switch on the side of the machine. He then loads a paper into it. The machine warms up and fires it directly at a front door.]
Edd and Eddy: "It works!"
Ed: "Ya-hoo!" [He jumps into the machine, which fires him at the same door.] "Oops." [He laughs.]

[Ed is shoveling papers into the machine, which fires them out as quickly as he throws them in.]
Eddy: [scheming] "I can already taste those jawbreakers."
Edd: [making a diagram on an Etch-a-Sketch] "We should be done in no time, Eddy!" [He lowers the toy to reveal the Launcher firing papers perfectly at doorsteps, mailboxes, and chimneys.]
Eddy: "This is so cool!" [He watches the papers fly past.] "How do I come up with this stuff?"
Ed: [lifting Eddy's bed] "Heavy ink, I think!" [He throws the bed in. The bed stops up the opening and the machine starts to malfunction.]
Edd: "Oh dear."
Eddy: "My bed!"
Ed: "It's too early for bed." [He looks down.] "AAAH!"
[Ed jumps from his perch on the stack and jumps on the bed, pushing it in. The bed goes in and the Launcher goes haywire, firing newspapers willy-nilly at high velocities.]
Edd and Eddy: "AAAAAHHH!" [A newspaper goes through a window. Another hits a lamppost, denting it.]
Eddy: "Take cover!"
Edd and Eddy: "Where? Where?"
[Eddy grabs Edd's hat and pulls it over both of them.]
Ed: [riding the machine] "Help! Eddy! Double D! Whoa!"
Eddy: [lifting the hat up to look] "Ed!" [He runs after Ed, the hat still on his and Edd's heads.]
Edd: "Eddy!"
Ed: [the cannon still firing] "Help!"
Eddy: "Hold on, Ed!"
Edd: "YAAH!"
Ed: "Uh-oh." [He sees Kevin, riding his bike.] "Kevin! Look out!"
Kevin: "Huh?" [He turns to look, and a newspaper hits him squarely, knocking him clean off his bicycle.]
Ed: "Nice shot."
Eddy: "Whoa!"
Edd: "YAAH!"
Ed: [the launcher is now going in circles around the cul-de-sac] "I am getting dizzy!"
Eddy: "We're coming, Ed!"
Ed: "AAH!"
[The Newspaper Launcher hits the curb and breaks. With its last gasp, it fires a final newspaper.]

[Jimmy is in a backyard, jumping rope.]
Jimmy: "Look, Sarah! Whee!"
Sarah: "Perfect, Jimmy!" [The newspaper rolls up and lightly taps her heel. She looks at it and then looks at Ed.] "ED! YOU HIT ME AND I'M TELLING MOM!"
[Ed picks up the newspaper and eats it.]
Ed: "All gone!"
Eddy: [as Edd removes his cap from Eddy's head] "Forget her, Ed. Think of the money we're gonna rake in!"
Edd: "Um, guys? We have to clean this up."
[The cul-de-sac is completely littered with stray papers.]
Eddy: "Yeah, right. Why?"
Edd: "We will not receive payment unless the newspapers are properly delivered."
Eddy: "All right, all right."

[The Eds are in the middle of the cul-de-sac, folding papers.]
Eddy: "It doesn't get any worse than–" [A lightning bolt flashes and it starts to rain, proving that yes, it can indeed get worse.] "...this. Ed, quit fooling around!"
[Ed is jumping in a newly formed puddle. Ed splashes water in Eddy's face. Eddy, annoyed, uses his hand to wipe his face, inadvertently staining it black. Ed laughs.]
Eddy: "What?"
Ed: "You got black stuff on you."
Eddy: "Where?"
Ed: [putting his hands on his face to signal where] "Here, here, and here." [He laughs, not realizing that his face is now stained black as well.]
Edd: "C'mon, guys. Clean, and fold–" [His newspaper melts in his hands, leaving behind only ink residue.] "Aah! Ink. Off, ink! Get it! Get it off! Get it off!" [He runs into Ed and Eddy, and they all fall in a puddle. The rain stops.] "Summer rains, you can never predict them."
[Lightning flashes, and the rain commences again.]

[The Eds are busily picking up newspapers when the rain stops again.]
Edd: "Summer rains, you can never–" [The rain starts again.] "–predict them."
[The rain stops.]
Edd: "Summer rains,–"
Eddy: "Double D!" [The sound of a truck backing up is heard.] "AAH!" [He tries to signal the driver to stop. A new batch of newspapers are dumped on them.]
The Eds: "AAAH!"
Ed: [buried, with the other two] "Hey, look, my horoscope! 'New enterprise fails to meet expectations.' What's that mean?"

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide