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Script


[The scene opens in a hallway. There is a door at the end of it. Suddenly, there is an explosion behind that door, and the kids troop out of the class.]
Edd: [imploring] "Why, Eddy? Why, I ask you. Yet another detention for you and I! It's all fun and games until Academic grades fall, mister!"
Eddy: "Aah, lighten up. It builds character, Sockhead! Did you see how big that vein got on the teacher's head when he started yelling?"
[Ed stops and looks behind him. Edd and Eddy continue downstairs.]
Eddy: "Man, I though I was gonna bust."
Edd: [holding the detention slip] "The teacher had every right to be upset, Eddy. Why, just the electric rewiring of that classroom alone will take weeks!"
Eddy: [laughing] "You should have seen the look on your face, Sockhead!"
Ed: [racing downstairs] "And did you see the look on Ed's face? I almost wet my eyebrow, guys! Chump here sure knows funny, boy!" [The friends laugh until Eddy realizes how Ed addressed him.]
Eddy: [belligerent] "Who you callin' chump?"
[Ed drags Eddy back up the stairs to the water fountain. There is graffiti over it.] 
Ed: "Look!" [reading] "Eddy is a no-neck chump. Can I have your autograph?" [Eddy kicks him.]
Edd: [horrified] "Good lord! Who in their right mind would deface a sanctum of education?"
Eddy: "Someone who's out to ruin my good name, that's who! It's a smear campaign, I tell ya!"
Edd: "Oh come now, Eddy. This is in no way a greater scheme to ruin your reputation. Why, I think you've done a good job of that on your own."


[Edd is in the lost and found, arranging various items.]
Edd: "One well-worn sneaker. One knit scarf. One brown pencil case."
Ed: "Oh boy, oh boy, oh–" [Ed and Eddy enter. Eddy proceeds to ransack the lost and found.]
Edd: "What in heaven's name are you doing? Filching from the lost and found? Has this whole school gone mad?" [A pencil case lands on his head, and he topples over.]
Ed: "Not me, Double D. I'm in my happy place. 'Cause Chumpy, the no-neck Eddy, has a plan!"
[Eddy shoves Ed into a wall and continues to look through the box.]
Eddy: "Just wait till I get my hands on the jerk who wrote those lies! Why I'll–"
Edd: "Report them to the school authorities?"
Eddy: "Too easy! I'm going incognito, Sockhead. With a super disguise, I'll create an alter-ego that'll let me schmooze and mingle among the rats without them knowing it's me! And then when I found out who did it–bam!" [He pushes his friends out of the lost and found and laughs evilly.] "No peeking!"
[Eddy slams the door and goes to hunt for a disguise.]
Edd: "Well, he certainly has the ego. Have you ever had one of those days, Ed?"
Ed: "Every day of my life, Double D."
[The door creaks open and Eddy walks out. His clothes look kind of like Ed's, only the shirt is on over the jacket.]
Eddy: "Huh, so? Whaddya think? My own mother wouldn't recognize me."
Edd: "Eddy, it's painfully obvious you're still you."
Ed: "Look! A new kid!" [to Eddy] "My name is Ed, friend! Well, it's just Ed, not Ed friend, I am Ed, and you are a friend so–"
Eddy: [shaking hands] "Howdy, Ed! My name's uh–Carl! My family just flew in from…Ecuador!"
Ed: "Eddy's gonna like you, Carl!"
Eddy: [whispering to Edd] "Bingo." [He walks away.]
Ed: [into the lost and found] "Oh Eddy! Come and meet Carl, Eddy! Eddy?"


[Rolf is under the bleachers, looking at a failed test. Eddy straightens his disguise and goes to meet him.]
Rolf: "This alphabet F confounds Rolf to no end! Phooey!" [He feeds Victor the test and takes another out.] "Rolf would not line Wilfred's bladder feed with such drivel!" [Eddy appears.]
Eddy: "Howdy!" [His hat tilts, and he straightens it.] "I'm new in town, and…was wondering if–"
Rolf: "Rolf shares in your awkwardness, as Rolf too is a stranger in this strange land. A son of a shepherd. Cast adrift on the far distant shore."
Ed: "Rolf!" [He hands Rolf a poorly drawn picture of Eddy.] "Have you seen this no-neck chump?"
Rolf: "The snake-in-the-grass Ed-boy is missing?"
Ed: "Yep. If you see him, bind him with duct tape, as he does not play well with others and has been known to dribble."
Rolf: "Is this so?"
[Eddy backs away and tears the picture off his hat. A football hits him from behind.]
Kevin: "Dude, good hands! C'mon, we need a receiver, man!" [Eddy looks around, confused.]
Eddy: "Me? A receiver?"
Kevin: "You must be new, dude. The name's Kevin." [He thrusts out his fist, and Eddy cowers. Slowly, Eddy realizes it's a fist bump, and he exchanges the greeting.]
Eddy: "My name's Carl."
Jonny: [darting up] "My name's Jonny! And this here's my buddy Plank! We're playing hockey, and you can be shortstop!" [He dances around Eddy until Kevin pulls Eddy away.]
Kevin: "Don't listen to Clueless, Carl. So, you good for some extra yards after that catch, bro?"
Jonny: "Plank says we need to break the new kid in!"
Kevin: "Right. Dogpile on the new kid!"
[The kids jump Eddy.]
Jonny: "Woohoo!"
Kevin: "Righteous!"
Nazz: "Yeah!"
Sarah: "Pile on the new kid!"
Jimmy: "Here I come, suckas!"
[The kids laugh.]
Jonny: "Did you hear my back crack?"
Nazz: "Isn't this fun?" [She giggles.] "Hi. I'm Nazz. What's your name?"
Eddy: [nervous] "Um…I forget. No wait–I'm Carl. Yeah."
Ed: "People!" [He snaps the grass out from under them.] "I have lost my Eddy. Trip you might over him, as he is short and squirrels like to pelt him with nuts." [He hands out fliers.]
Jimmy: "My wish has come true, Sarah. Eddy's disappeared!"
Sarah: "Good riddance."
Eddy: "So Kevin. Who is this good looking Eddy kid anyway?"
Kevin: "Don't sweat it, Carl. Something you'll never be. A dork!"
Eddy: "Thanks, guy."
Jonny: "Watch me, Carl! One potato two potato three potato four!" [He hits Kevin over the head with the ball.] "It's a home run, buddy!"
Kevin: "Carl, help me lump this guy!"
[An angered Kevin chases after Jonny. Edd comes up next to Eddy.]
Edd: "Well, Carl, have you found this perpetrator of your smear campaign yet?"
Eddy: [whispering] "Double D! Something's really messed up here! They're all being nice! Too nice! Feels like they're setting me up for something!"
Edd: "As foreign as it may sound to you, it's called acceptance, Carl. Unlike Eddy, Carl has done nothing to ostracize himself from the group dynamic. Carl has a clean slate, if you will."
Eddy: "No foolin?" [Ed bumps Edd out of the way and hands Eddy a flyer.]
Ed: "Have you seen my Eddy? His turn-ons are full-length mirrors, greasy hair products, and yelling. LOTS OF YELLING!!!"
Eddy: "Looks like a loser to me." [He tosses the paper away.]
Edd: [smug] "But that loser is you, Eddy."
Eddy: "Not anymore, kid. That dork's hit the trail. From now on, it's the good life with Carl, kid. That's me. Nice guy."
Edd: "But Eddy, THERE IS NO CARL!" [Eddy shoves Edd backwards.]
Kevin: "Whoa, Carlster. You know these two dorks?"
Eddy: "Not likely, friend. I wouldn't hang with these washouts if they were the last two dorks on earth."
Kevin: [laughing] "Right on! You're awesome, man."
Edd: [angered] "Well I never! Of all the no good–Ed. Eddy's tossed us aside to the shallow allure of the in crowd."
Ed: [tearful] "I miss my Eddy, Double D!"
Edd: "Worry not, dear Ed. I have a suspicion Eddy will be back sooner than he thinks."


[Kevin is talking to Eddy as the kids walk up the stairs.]
Kevin: "No, really! So then I smooth the teacher over, give him props on his toupee, and the guy gives me a B on the quiz! I swear!" [The kids laugh.]
Eddy: [fake laughing] "Good one, Kev."
[Eddy walks over to the drinking fountain and has a drink. He looks up and sees that on the graffiti, Eddy has been crossed out and Carl is written above it.]
Eddy: "Carl is a no-neck chump?"
[He hears laughter behind him and looks around. The kids are laughing. He backs to the wall.]
Nazz: "Carl, is something the matter, dude?"
[Eddy hightails it out of there, much to the kids disappointment; apparently they weren't laughing at him.]


[Ed is on a bench, crying, while Edd comforts him.]
Ed: "Somewhere my Eddy is cold and alone, and will soon have to resort to having to eat his own body parts in order to survive, Double D!" [He collapses to the ground.]
Edd: [comforting] "Perhaps a rest from television tonight, yes Ed?"
[Eddy runs by angrily.]
Eddy: "They think they can put one over on me? Good luck! 'Cause I'm always one step ahead, baby!"
[Eddy dives into the lost and found again.]
Eddy: [finding a disguise] "Aha! Wait'll they meet me!"


[Eddy walks into the halls. He has hidden stilts inside his pants, and has an eyepatch over one eye. He wears a beret and has a scarf wrapped around his neck.]
Eddy: "Hey, kids! I'm fresh to this school! I'm Hugo! Whazzup?"
[He looks at the drinking fountain. Carl has been crossed out and replaced with Hugo.]
Eddy: "Huh? Hugo?"
[Eddy storms down the stairs angrily. Seconds later he reappears wearing a wig and a dress.]
Eddy: "That Hugo. What a no-neck chump. Hi, I'm Suzette, and just started here."
Kevin: "Man. What's with all the new kids?"
Nazz: "Kinda nice. The more the merrier!"
Jonny: [xenophobic] "I bet they're gonna take over and get us expelled!"
Jimmy: "Do you think, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Jonny's an idiot, Jimmy."
[Plank slides across the floor and lands under Eddy, looking up his skirt.]
Eddy: "Say, whose awesome handwriting is this?!" [Jonny comes to get Plank.] "It's so smart and neato!" [Jonny listens to Plank.] "I bet it was the cute guy in the red hat!"
[Jonny comes over and whispers in Kevin's ear. Kevin throws the football–a guided missile that slams into Eddy's face, knocking him out of his dress. Kevin walks over.]
Kevin: "Nice to meet you, Dorkette!" [He takes his football back.] "Man, you're so desperate!"
[The kids laugh. The bell rings, and they walk away, leaving a mostly naked Eddy in the middle of the hall.]
Eddy: [belligerent] "Oh yeah? You think I care? Who needs ya! Go on, write what you want! I'm bulletproof, baby!"
Edd: [smug] "Trouble in paradise, Eddy? Or should I say Carl? Hugo? Or is it Suzette?" [He giggles.]
Ed: "My Eddy!" [He hugs Eddy.] "Where have you been, mister." [He carries Eddy away.] "I have been worried sick about you."
[Edd puts on rubber gloves. He goes over to the fountain and wets a sponge. Edd uses the wet sponge to clean off the graffiti–except for the one reading "Eddy is a no-neck chump."]
Edd: "Friendship restored. Thank goodness for water-soluble markers." [He throws a purple marker in the trash and walks away. A second later, he looks back at the graffiti, still confused as to who wrote it and why.]


[Ed is leading Eddy home and describing Carl to him.]
Ed: [excited] "And he's got big hair! Wait till you meet Carl, Eddy! He's from Ecuador! Fancy."
Eddy: "You're giving me a headache, Ed!"

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old, In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide
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