Ed, Edd n Eddy

[The scene opens in a hallway. There is a door at the end of it. Suddenly, there is an explosion behind that door, and the soot-coated kids troop out of the class.]
Edd: [imploring] "Why, Eddy? Why, I ask you. Yet another detention for you and I! It's all fun and games until Academic grades fall, mister!"
Eddy: "Aah, lighten up. It builds character, Sockhead! Did you see how big that vein got on the teacher's head when he started yelling?"
[Ed stops and looks behind him. Edd and Eddy continue downstairs.]
Eddy: "Man, I though I was gonna bust."
Edd: [holding the detention slip] "The teacher had every right to be upset, Eddy. Why, just the electric rewiring of that classroom alone will take weeks!"
Eddy: [laughing] "You should have seen the look on your face, Sockhead!"
Ed: [racing downstairs] "And did you see the look on Ed's face? I almost wet my eyebrow, guys! Chump here sure knows funny, boy!" [The friends laugh until Eddy realizes how Ed addressed him.]
Eddy: [belligerent] "Who you callin' chump?"
[Ed drags Eddy back up the stairs to the water fountain. There is graffiti over it.] 
Ed: "Look!" [reading] "Eddy is a no-neck chump. Can I have your autograph?" [Eddy kicks him.]
Edd: [horrified] "Good lord! Who in their right mind would deface a sanctum of education?"
Eddy: "Someone who's out to ruin my good name, that's who! It's a smear campaign, I tell ya!"
Edd: "Oh come now, Eddy. This is in no way a greater scheme to ruin your reputation. Why, I think you've done a good job of that on your own."

[Edd is now in the lost and found, arranging various items.]
Edd: "One well-worn sneaker. One knit scarf. One brown pencil case."
Ed: "Oh boy, oh boy, oh–" [Ed and Eddy enter. Eddy proceeds to ransack the lost and found.]
Edd: "What in heaven's name are you doing? Filching from the lost and found? Has this whole school gone mad?" [A pencil case lands on his head, and he topples over.]
Ed: "Not me, Double D. I'm in my happy place. 'Cause Chumpy, the no-neck Eddy, has a plan!"
[Eddy shoves Ed into a wall and continues to look through the box.]
Eddy: "Just wait till I get my hands on the jerk who wrote those lies! Why I'll–"
Edd: "Report them to the school authorities?"
Eddy: "Too easy! I'm going incognito, Sockhead. With a super disguise, I'll create an alter-ego that'll let me schmooze and mingle among the rats without them knowing it's me! And then when I found out who did it–bam!" [He pushes his friends out of the lost and found and laughs evilly.] "No peeking!"
[Eddy slams the door and goes to hunt for a disguise.]
Edd: "Well, he certainly has the ego. Have you ever had one of those days, Ed?"
Ed: "Every day of my life, Double D."
[The door creaks open and Eddy walks out. His clothes look kind of like Ed's, only the shirt is on over the jacket, and he's sporting purple shorts and rain boots.]
Eddy: "Huh, so? Whaddya think? My own mother wouldn't recognize me."
Edd: "Eddy, it's painfully obvious you're still you."
Ed: "Look! A new kid!" [to Eddy] "My name is Ed, friend! Well, it's just Ed, not Ed friend, I am Ed, and you are a friend so–"
Eddy: [shaking hands] "Howdy, Ed! My name's uh–Carl! My family just flew in from…Ecuador!"
Ed: "Eddy's gonna like you, Carl!"
Eddy: [whispering to Edd] "Bingo." [He walks away.]
Ed: [into the lost and found] "Oh Eddy! Come and meet Carl, Eddy! Eddy?"

[Rolf is under the bleachers, looking at a failed test. Eddy straightens his disguise and goes to meet him.]
Rolf: "This alphabet F confounds Rolf to no end! Phooey!" [He feeds Victor the test and takes another out.] "Rolf would not line Wilfred's bladder feed with such drivel!" [Eddy appears.]
Eddy: "Howdy!" [His hat tilts, and he straightens it.] "I'm new in town, and…was wondering if–"
Rolf: "Rolf shares in your awkwardness, as Rolf too is a stranger in this strange land. A son of a shepherd. Cast adrift on the far distant shore."
Ed: "Rolf!" [He hands Rolf a poorly drawn picture of Eddy.] "Have you seen this no-neck chump?"
Rolf: "The snake-in-the-grass Ed-boy is missing?"
Ed: "Yep. If you see him, bind him with duct tape, as he does not play well with others and has been known to dribble."
Rolf: "Is this so?"
[Eddy backs away and tears the picture off his hat. A football hits him from behind.]
Kevin: "Dude, good hands! C'mon, we need a receiver, man!" [Eddy looks around, confused.]
Eddy: "Me? A receiver?"
Kevin: "You must be new, dude. The name's Kevin." [He thrusts out his fist, and Eddy cowers. Slowly, Eddy realizes it's a fist bump, and he exchanges the greeting.]
Eddy: "My name's Carl."
Jonny: [darting up] "My name's Jonny! And this here's my buddy Plank! We're playing hockey, and you can be shortstop!" [He dances around Eddy until Kevin pulls Eddy away.]
Kevin: "Don't listen to Clueless, Carl. So, you good for some extra yards after that catch, bro?"
Jonny: "Plank says we need to break the new kid in!"
Kevin: "Right. Dogpile on the new kid!"
[The kids jump Eddy.]
Jonny: "Woohoo!"
Kevin: "Righteous!"
Nazz: "Yeah!"
Sarah: "Pile on the new kid!"
Jimmy: "Here I come, suckas!"
[The kids laugh.]
Jonny: "Did you hear my back crack?"
Nazz: "Isn't this fun?" [She giggles.] "Hi. I'm Nazz. What's your name?"
Eddy: [nervous] "Um…I forget. No wait–I'm Carl. Yeah."
Ed: "People!" [He snaps the grass out from under them.] "I have lost my Eddy. Trip you might over him, as he is short and squirrels like to pelt him with nuts." [He hands out fliers.]
Jimmy: "My wish has come true, Sarah. Eddy's disappeared!"
Sarah: "Good riddance."
Eddy: "So Kevin. Who is this good looking Eddy kid anyway?"
Kevin: "Don't sweat it, Carl. Something you'll never be. A dork!"
Eddy: "Thanks, guy."
Jonny: "Watch me, Carl! One potato two potato three potato four!" [He hits Kevin over the head with the ball.] "It's a home run, buddy!"
Kevin: "Carl, help me lump this guy!"
[An angered Kevin chases after Jonny. Edd comes up next to Eddy.]
Edd: "Well, Carl, have you found this perpetrator of your smear campaign yet?"
Eddy: [whispering] "Double D! Something's really messed up here! They're all being nice! Too nice! Feels like they're setting me up for something!"
Edd: "As foreign as it may sound to you, it's called acceptance, Carl. Unlike Eddy, Carl has done nothing to ostracize himself from the group dynamic. Carl has a clean slate, if you will."
Eddy: "No foolin?" [Ed bumps Edd out of the way and hands Eddy a flyer.]
Ed: "Have you seen my Eddy? His turn-ons are full-length mirrors, greasy hair products, and yelling. LOTS OF YELLING!!!"
Eddy: "Looks like a loser to me." [He tosses the paper away.]
Edd: [smug] "But that loser is you, Eddy."
Eddy: "Not anymore, kid. That dork's hit the trail. From now on, it's the good life with Carl, kid. That's me. Nice guy."
Edd: "But Eddy, THERE IS NO CARL!" [Eddy shoves Edd backwards.]
Kevin: "Whoa, Carlster. You know these two dorks?"
Eddy: "Not likely, friend. I wouldn't hang with these washouts if they were the last two dorks on earth."
Kevin: [laughing] "Right on! You're awesome, man."
Edd: [angered] "Well I never! Of all the no good–Ed. Eddy's tossed us aside to the shallow allure of the in crowd."
Ed: [tearful] "I miss my Eddy, Double D!"
Edd: "Worry not, dear Ed. I have a suspicion Eddy will be back sooner than he thinks."

[Kevin is talking to Eddy as the kids walk up the stairs.]
Kevin: "No, really! So then I smooth the teacher over, give him props on his toupee, and the guy gives me a B on the quiz! I swear!" [The kids laugh.]
Eddy: [fake laughing] "Good one, Kev."
[Eddy walks over to the drinking fountain and has a drink. He looks up and sees that on the graffiti, Eddy has been crossed out and Carl is written above it.]
Eddy: "Carl is a no-neck chump?"
[He hears laughter behind him and looks around. The kids are laughing. He backs to the wall.]
Nazz: "Carl, is something the matter, dude?"
[Eddy hightails it out of there, much to the kids disappointment; apparently they weren't laughing at him.]

[Ed is on a bench, crying, while Edd comforts him.]
Ed: "Somewhere my Eddy is cold and alone, and will soon have to resort to having to eat his own body parts in order to survive, Double D!" [He collapses to the ground.]
Edd: [comforting] "Perhaps a rest from television tonight, yes Ed?"
[Eddy runs by angrily.]
Eddy: "They think they can put one over on me? Good luck! 'Cause I'm always one step ahead, baby!"
[Eddy dives into the lost and found again.]
Eddy: [finding a disguise] "Aha! Wait'll they meet me!"

[Eddy walks into the halls. He has hidden stilts inside his pants, and has an eyepatch over one eye. He wears a beret and has a scarf wrapped around his neck.]
Eddy: "Hey, kids! I'm fresh to this school! I'm Hugo! Whazzup?"
[He looks at the drinking fountain. Carl has been crossed out and replaced with Hugo.]
Eddy: "Huh? Hugo?"
[Eddy storms down the stairs angrily. Seconds later he reappears wearing a wig and a dress.]
Eddy: "That Hugo. What a no-neck chump. Hi, I'm Suzette, and just started here."
Kevin: "Man. What's with all the new kids?"
Nazz: "Kinda nice. The more the merrier!"
Jonny: [xenophobic] "I bet they're gonna take over and get us expelled!"
Jimmy: "Do you think, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Jonny's an idiot, Jimmy."
[Plank slides across the floor and lands under Eddy, looking up his skirt.]
Eddy: "Say, whose awesome handwriting is this?!" [Jonny comes to get Plank.] "It's so smart and neato!" [Jonny listens to Plank.] "I bet it was the cute guy in the red hat!"
[Jonny comes over and whispers in Kevin's ear. Kevin throws the football–a guided missile that slams into Eddy's face, knocking him out of his dress. Kevin walks over.]
Kevin: "Nice to meet you, Dorkette!" [He takes his football back.] "Man, you're so desperate!"
[The kids laugh. The bell rings, and they walk away, leaving a mostly naked Eddy in the middle of the hall.]
Eddy: [belligerent] "Oh yeah? You think I care? Who needs ya! Go on, write what you want! I'm bulletproof, baby!"
Edd: [smug] "Trouble in paradise, Eddy? Or should I say Carl? Hugo? Or is it Suzette?" [He giggles.]
Ed: "My Eddy!" [He hugs Eddy.] "Where have you been, mister." [He carries Eddy away.] "I have been worried sick about you."
[Edd puts on rubber gloves. He goes over to the fountain and wets a sponge. Edd uses the wet sponge to clean off the graffiti–except for the one reading "Eddy is a no-neck chump."]
Edd: "Friendship restored. Thank goodness for water-soluble markers." [He throws a purple marker in the trash and walks away. A second later, he looks back at the graffiti, still confused as to who wrote it and why.]

[Ed is leading Eddy home and describing Carl to him.]
Ed: [excited] "And he's got big hair! Wait till you meet Carl, Eddy! He's from Ecuador! Fancy."
Eddy: "You're giving me a headache, Ed!"

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old, In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed?" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide