Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Edd walks into his room, wearing a towel and bunny slippers. He spots a package on his bed and goes over to inspect it. There is a sticky note on top.]
Edd: "Dear Edward. I bought you some new clothes! Oh, happy day!" [He inspects them, only to find they're incredibly stiff.]

[Edd exits his house, wearing the new clothes.]
Edd: "There must have been a sale." [Ed and Eddy are outside his house, similarly attired.]
Eddy: [uncomfortable] "I hate new clothes."
Ed: "I love canoes."
Eddy: [after a pause] "Let's go break them in. Follow me." [He trips.] "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
Ed: [walking oddly] "Look at me!"
Edd: [using only his feet to move] "Ed!"
Eddy: [crawling] "I said, FOLLOW ME!"

[The Eds are at a pond in the woods. Ed and Eddy get out of their clothes.]
Eddy: [to a clothed Edd] "Okay, Double D, cough 'em up."
Edd: "Um, I'm fine, Eddy. Really. I like my new clothes."
Eddy: "Yeah, right." [Ed jumps in the pond.] "Ready, Ed?"
Ed: "I practiced, Eddy! Splish! Splosh! Splish! Splosh!" [He continues in the background.]
Eddy: [to Edd] "I had a gerbil like him once."
Edd: "Why is Ed acting like a washing machine?"
Eddy: "Give it up, Double D." [He puts Edd in the pond.]
Edd: "EDDY! Oh, dear. I'm mixing my colors with my whites."
Eddy: [throwing his clothes in] "Think of the money we could make doing everybody's clothes!"
Edd: "I'd rather not."
Eddy: "Bing!"
Ed: "Spin cycle!" [He spins in circles at a high rate of speed.]
Eddy: "Bing!"
Ed: "Washer off!"
Eddy: [getting his clothes] "They should be nice and comfy now!" [The clothes crumble into dust.]
Ed: "Look! Stain's gone!" [He holds up Double D, whose clothes fall apart as well, revealing his underclothes. Edd sheepishly covers himself.]

Eddy: [dressed normally, eating cherries] "No big deal. Our old clothes are way better."
Edd: "Ahem. No, Eddy, that's much better. Our old clothes are much better."
Eddy: "Doth my English bug you, bumpkin?"
[Ed eats a tree branch. When he finishes, he jolts in pain and sticks out his tongue to reveal a beetle biting his tongue. Edd and Eddy laugh until Eddy is suddenly grabbed by a net.]
Rolf: [dressed in a strange uniform, going over to Jimmy and Jonny, who sport the same clothes] "And that is how to save the helpless kitty from a tree. Easy one two three." [he dumps Eddy out] "Thank you, spoiled Eddy."
Eddy: [noticing Jonny's clothes] "Will ya look at that! Hey, Jonny boy, how's a squirt like you end up with such a cool uniform?"
Rolf: "I see you like Jonny's uniform, big mouth Eddy. Would you and your fellow Ed-boys like to wear our uniform? Come, I invite you to the privilege to earn one badge. And you too will become Urban Rangers!"
Ed: "But I like being Ed."
Eddy: "One badge for a cool uniform? It's a steal!" [to Rolf] "Tell us what to do, Rolfy boy!"

[The Eds are in a backyard with Jimmy and Jonny. Jimmy and Jonny have on full regalia; the Eds only have neckerchiefs.]
Edd: "Oh, dear. A new neurosis."
Ed: [wearing his as a blindfold] "Is it fun yet?"
Eddy: "Kinda frilly, ain't it?"
Jonny: "That scarf makes you a Wee Roach. Just like Plank!"
Jimmy: "We were Wee Roaches till we got our badges, see?" [He points to the patches on his uniform.] "Lightbulb-changing badge, garbage bag replacement badge, clothespin alignment badge, and laundry sorting badge."
Rolf: "Line up and present yourselves so you may earn a new badge." [The Rangers all salute, though the Eds' aren't correct.] "Look, Wee Roaches. The Don't Bug Me I'm In the Hammock badge. Yes! Go now!" [They rush off to get the badge.]
Eddy: "The hammock badge is in the bag."

[Edd and Eddy are being lowered into the hammock by ropes.]
Edd: "Now remember, Ed, equal weight is the key."
Ed: "I am the king of the jungle!"
Eddy: "Hey, gorilla, I got a banana for ya."
Ed: "Ed want banana." [He jumps.]
Edd: [pulled skyward] "Not good."

Rolf: [inspecting Jimmy's hammock] "Good work, Urban Ranger Jimmy. A new badge for you." [Jimmy giggles. Inspecting Jonny and Plank] "And for you, Urban Ranger Jonny. Very good over-under job."
Eddy: "Okay! Our turn!" [The Eds are behind painted wood. Holes are cut for their heads. Comically, Ed is in Eddy's place and Eddy is in Ed's spot.]
Rolf: "Ho ho! There are no badges for sneaky Wee Roaches."
Eddy: "Hey, we're in the hammock! Just like those guys!" [The painting falls down to reveal the Eds standing in the remnants of the tattered, broken hammock.] "What?"
Rolf: "Next badge."

[The Rangers and the Eds are at attention.]
Rolf: "The Trimming of the Hedge badge is important. It says, Look at me! I am a hotshot." [pulling out a pair of shears] "Trimming shears are important for this."
Ed: "It looks like the head of the monster from I Was a Teenage Appetizer from Planet Sushi: The Second Coming."
Rolf: "...No shears for you, potato Ed-boy!"

[Jimmy is seen running a comb over his hedge.]
Jimmy: "They will be so jealous."
Edd: [seeing Eddy cut haphazardly] "Eddy, could you try and be more precise with your snips?"
Ed: "My turn my turn."
Edd: "Please! Start on the other end, Ed." [muttering] "Distractions, distractions."
Rolf: [examining Jimmy's hedge] "Sho-ho? Sho-ha! Enjoy your new badge, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Thank you, Rolf!"
Rolf: [looking at Plank's] "Yes, Plank. Yes, good."
Eddy: [finishing up] "It's in the bag, boys."
[Ed spots a root near the base. He picks it up and pulls on it. He subsequently uproots the whole shrub, ruining Edd and Eddy's work on it.]
Ed: "How's it look?"
Rolf: "Wee Roaches! You are trying my patience, and that is not good, as I am the son of a shepherd."

Rolf: "Next badge: Escorting the Elderly Across the Street. Should be as easy as combing Papa's back hair."
Eddy: "I'm into easy! Where's the badge-bearing geriatric?"
Rolf: "My Nana was too busy frying weeds, but trendy Nazz-girl agreed to take her place."
Nazz: "Hi guys." [The Eds realize the task just got much harder.]
Eddy: "Uh, Ed? You're up, pal."
Ed: [pushing Edd forward] "Double D wants to." [Edd collapses.]
Rolf: "Wee Roach Eddy. Finish this task before nightfall. Come and make your turn." [Jimmy and Jonny rush Edd to the infirmary.]
Eddy: "Sure. Yeah."
Nazz: "You gonna hold my hand?"
Eddy: "Okay." [He starts crossing the street.] "Watch your step. There you go, Nazz."
Ed: [who Eddy has just lead across] "Boy Eddy, your hand is so sweaty. But you did good."
Rolf: "Very good, but Wee Roach Ed is not Nana. No badge."

Rolf: [in his kitchen] "Next badge: The Fast Food Burrito. Microwaved properly, will earn you Urban Rangerhood."
Eddy: "Here, Double D. This is more your bag."
Edd: [reading the instructions] "Cut small hole in package. Check! Microwave at medium heat for one minute." [He dials in the code and starts the microwave.]
Eddy: [impatient] "What's taking so long? Let's put it into high gear!" [He presses some buttons.] "Ha! Now we're talking!"
Rolf: [a few seconds later] "Is it ready?"
[The microwave begins to shake. A few seconds later, it explodes burrito filling all over the kitchen.]
Rolf: "BLURF!!!" [covered in goo] "Have you roaches been drinking milk from a rusty bucket? You have spoiled the wonderful food product! Such waste and disrespect to the fast-food stockers is not allowed in the Urban Rangers!" [sighing] "But, seeing you covered in filth reminds me of my youth. Next badge."
Ed: "Gravy!"
Edd: "Um, Rolf, I really need to wash."

[The Eds and Rolf are in a bathroom.]
Rolf: "All right, Wee Roaches! This one is easy!"
Ed: [looking at the toilet] "I can do this one!"
Rolf: [pointing to a used roll of toilet paper] "This empty roll must be replaced with a new one."
Eddy: "You replace those? What a cinch." [He takes one end of the toilet paper holder off.] "You just lift, and slide off the old one. Double D?"
Edd: [seeing it about to shoot off] "Oh my."
[The holder breaks free and ricochets around the bathroom.]
[Ed laughs while Rolf watches.]
Eddy: [leaping up] "I got it!"
Edd: [jumping as well] "Allow me, Eddy!"
[The two stand on opposite sides of the toilet bowl, balanced on its seat. They juggle the holder in the air, trying to catch it, until it falls straight into the toilet.]
Rolf: "WEE ROACHES! NO BADGE! EVER!" [He storms out of the bathroom and slams the door on a begging Eddy.]
Eddy: "Rolf wait hold–" [the door hits him] "–it."

Rolf: [fishing in a barrel for something] "Those Ed-boys are crazy like chickens, except they lay no eggs." [He pulls out a giant vegetable.] "Aah. Candied beets to calm my nerves." [He bites into the beet.]
Eddy: [interrupting] "Look Rolf, please! Give us one more chance. Please!"
Rolf: [annoyed] "Yes. One more chance, now let me finish my beet."
[The Eds cheer.]

[Eddy is carrying a pie.]
Rolf: "This is very easy, wiseguy Eddy."
Eddy: "I got it, Rolf. I just have to be a good neighbor, and I'll get a badge. Piece of cake."
Edd: "Remember Eddy, mind your manners."
Ed: "Yip-Kai-Yoo!"
Eddy: [Eddy knocks. After the door opens] "Good afternoon, neighbor! I baked you a pie and–" [A hand reaches out and flips the pie into Eddy's face.]
Sarah: [knocking on the pie tin] "Hello anybody home?" [Eddy pulls the pie tin off of his face.]
Edd: "Remember Eddy, manners. It's our last chance!"
Sarah: "So, whassa matter? Cant'cha talk? Are you a baby?"
Eddy: [through gritted teeth] "I baked you a pie, and–"
Sarah: "My name is Eddy, and I wear a big, stinky diaper!" [She sucks her thumb.]
Eddy: "Hello, neighbor. I just thought–"
Sarah: "Goo goo goo!"
Eddy: [beginning to sweat profusely] "Excuse me, neighbor."
Sarah: "Aw, is baby gonna cry?" [Eddy's teeth grind and his face turns red.] "Does baby want his bottle?"
Eddy: [losing it] "SHUT UP, SARAH!!!!!!!" [Eddy sticks out his tongue at her]
Eddy: "How 'bout another chance?"
[Rolf becomes furious at this suggestion.]

[The Urban Ranger flag is seen flying from a pole made of golf clubs as Jimmy sings a song. Jimmy is then seen lowering the flag. The Eds, meanwhile, are on the sidewalk.]
Jimmy: "Here it goes!"
[Jimmy begins to drum as Rolf approaches. He tears off Edd's neckerchief, and then moves on to Ed and rips it off. It becomes apparent that he is decommissioning them. He goes to Eddy, who seems to be taking it well; he takes his neckerchief off himself and offers it to Rolf. However, when Rolf tries to grab it, he yanks it away. He does this a few times before Rolf manages to grab it.]
Rolf: "You have besmirched the name of the Urban Rangers and are sentenced to the... Walk of Shame." [jovial] "Ranger Jonny, bring my lard!"
Jonny: "Here you go, Rolf!" [He gives Rolf a barrel full of the stuff.]
Rolf: "And here's your lard-bringing badge." [He throws the lard onto the sidewalk, coating it with the pig fat.]
Ed: "Cool!"
[The Eds all slip in the grease, and fall down. Their momentum propels them down the sidewalk.]
Edd: "Not good!"
[Ed laughs, and the Rangers salute as the Eds sail past screaming. As they go past, we can see that even Plank became a member of the Urban Rangers.]

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide