Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Ed giggles as Eddy shows him a bare wall.]
Eddy: "Oh Ed. Whaddya think? Huh?"
Edd: [muttering] "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Ed: "Cool! It is so flat!"
Edd: "A wall, Eddy? Certainly you jest."
[Eddy pulls on a cord at the wall's base and part of the wall unravels, revealing a door with multiple locks.]
Eddy: "Ya wanna see my brother's room?"
Edd: [shocked] "Your brother's room?"
Ed: [excited] "Every man for himself!" [He reaches for the doorknob only to have Eddy slap his hand away.]
Eddy: "Hey, wait a minute! Who gave you permission to touch his door?"
Ed: "Nobody?"
Eddy: "That's right, Ed." [Kindly, he gives Ed a chair.] "Have a seat, relax. Maybe I can trim your toenails or something."
Ed: "Oh, be still my heart."
[Eddy takes a rope out and ties Ed to the chair.]
Eddy: "Now then." [angry] "If you touch anything in my brother's room, I'll–"
Edd: "Eddy. How do you suppose we enter this outpouring of resistance?!"
Eddy: "No problem. I got a key."

[A crowbar is wedged between the doorframe and the door. It wiggles some, and then the door is thrown open.]
Eddy: "Come on in, boys. Check it out."
[The Eds gaze at the numerous knickknacks scattered about the room.]
Ed: "Your brother's room is cool, Eddy!"
Eddy: "My brother is the coolest, Ed."
Edd: "Yes, well, in some circles I'm sure. Shall we throw caution to the wind and enter this lair of–"
[Eddy drags Edd back just as a safe falls from the ceiling. The safe lands on Edd's foot.]
Eddy: "Watch it! My brother was a whiz at booby traps." [He continues in.]
Edd: [in pain] "But Eddy, the safe!"
Eddy: "Already checked it, Double D. It's empty." [He pulls Edd along.] "Can't you just smell his greatness?"
Ed: "I think that is me, Eddy."
Eddy: [on top of a car] "Look at this! Ain't she a beaut?" [He rubs it.] "My brother said I could have it when I turn fourteen!"
Edd: "Not that it's out of place in this den of dishevelment, but why is there a vehicle sitting in your brother's bedroom?"
Eddy: "He keeps his snake in the trunk." [He opens the trunk.] "Huh, the little weasel must've escaped again."
Edd: [scared] "Escaped? Oh dear, oh dear, oh–" [He backs into the giant stuffed camel.]
Eddy: "Hey, watch the camel! I said no touching!"
Ed: "Oh, I wish I had a room like this!"
Edd: [sneezing] "Dust! From a camel! Oh, who knows where that thing has wallowed. Air, I need air!" [He unfurls the drapes to reveal a bricked-up window.]
Eddy: "Ha ha! My brother was a whiz at laying bricks! Hey Lumpy, did you catch that one? Ed! Get away from there!"
[Ed opens the fridge, and a bed pops out onto Edd.]
Eddy: "What'd I tell ya? Don't touch any of my brother's stuff, Ed." [He folds the bed back up and closes the fridge door, not noticing that Edd is stuck to the bottom of the mattress.] "Ever thought of renting out that empty space you call a head?"
Edd: [dazed] "Oh, look at the time, gotta go. Ta-ta."
Eddy: "Where are you going?" [He leads him to another section of the room.] "Did I tell you my brother was a whiz at chewing ice cubes?"
[Ed looks at a shelf. On the shelf are a jar of beans, a mannequin head with a shaggy blue wig, and a trophy.]
Ed: "Cool." [He leans in towards the camel, and then needs to sneeze. His sneeze sets the trophy wobbling.]
Edd: "Please, Eddy. I'm sure your brother was a multifaceted individual, but I–" [The trophy falls onto Edd's head. Eddy immediately turns around and eyes the trophy fearfully.]
Eddy: [scared] "Did it dent?"
Ed: "I will get it, Eddy." [He stands up, breaking the ropes effortlessly.] "Nice and soft like a kitten." [He picks it up with his teeth.]
Eddy: [trying to pull the trophy away] "Ed, get your slobbering mouth off my brother's trophy!"
Ed: "Yow! Yow! Yow!"
Edd: "Okay, that's it, I protest!"
Eddy: "Let go, you pathetic excuse for a lump!"
Ed: "Yow!"
Eddy: "Let go!"
Ed: "Yow!"
Eddy: "Ed!"
Edd: "I've truly had enough–"
[The trophy breaks in half. The resulting collisions of the warring parties shake a paper loose from a beach umbrella set up in a corner of the room. It lands in front of Ed.]
Ed: [giving it to Edd] "Read to me what is on the pretty paper, Double D."
Eddy: "Forget the stupid paper, find me some stupid tape!" [He tries to piece the trophy together.]
Edd: [looking it over] "Why, I do believe this is a map."
Eddy: "Let me see that thing." [He looks at it.] "It's a map to my brother's secret stash! We're gonna be rich, swimming in moolah, rolling in hay!" [He realizes he can't read it.] "Uh…I think it's in Greek. My brother was a whiz at bouzouki playing."
Edd: "Yes, well. It appears to be some form of encoding."
Ed: [grabbing it] "Let's thaw it out at my house! My mom has a stove."
Eddy: "What're you talking about, Ed? My stove'll work fine." [Eddy takes it from Ed, and Edd takes it from Eddy.]
Edd: "Oh, please. The strange thing is, all treasure maps have some indication as to its location, a star, an X, a cross–but I don't see anything here! It's baffling! Do you see one in here, because I don't!" [thinking] "This requires careful study and can only be solved by ingenuity and patient effort. Meet me at my house in one hour."
Eddy: [impatient] "One hour?"
Edd: "And I'll have your answer to our destiny, gentlemen." [He leaves.]
Eddy: "Great. What are we supposed to do for an hour?"
Ed: "I've got an elastic, Eddy."
Eddy: "Big deal." [Ed shoots the elastic at Eddy.] "YOWCH!"

[An hour later, Ed and Eddy stroll up to Edd's house. Eddy slams a shovel against Edd's door repeatedly.]
Edd: [nonplussed] "Why did you pummel my door with a shovel?"
Eddy: "So…where do we start digging, Double D?"
Edd: [ashamed] "I concede to your brother's ingenuity! I couldn't decipher the map!"
Eddy: [shocked] "What?"

[Edd shows his friends into the living room, which is peppered with books and maps.]
Edd: "I tried everything! I exhausted all theorems! Eliminated all conjecture! Pondered every viewpoint! But this is one mother of a treasure map, Eddy!"
Eddy: "You're supposed to be the smart guy! You're messing with our group dynamics!"
Edd: "It's beyond me, Eddy."
Eddy: "He always had it out for me! He's doing this on purpose, I tell ya! I need that treasure bad, Double D!"
Ed: "I think I just thunk."
Edd: "Was that English, Ed?" [Ed picks up Eddy.]
Eddy: "Let go of me, funnelhead!"
[Ed places Eddy in front of the projected map. The line leads across his face to the X in Eddy's ear.]
Ed: "X marks the spot, Double D! Yep."
[Edd, amazed, stares at Ed's handiwork. It seems as if Ed has, indeed, solved the puzzle.]
Edd: [mind blown] "By Jove, he's got it! Ed, how did you do that?"
Ed: "Because I'm a brother and Eddy's brother is a brother and Eddy is a brother to Eddy's brother as a brother I am."
Edd: "Um, nicely put, Ed."
Eddy: "Oh, brother." [Edd layers a map of the cul-de-sac over the original.]
Edd: "Now, if I were to place this over top of your brother's map, there may be a correlation to the area of its location."
Eddy: "Hurry up, I'm starting to see spots."
[The map looks like it leads to a grassy, secluded area.]
Edd: "I've found it! Oh no." [He stops smiling.]
[Edd hunts frantically through a file cabinet.]
Edd: "Eddy, according to my calculations, your brother's treasure lies deep within the confines of–" [He slaps a file on the table.] "The trailer park!" [Inside are photos of the Kankers and some notes.]
Eddy: [agitated] "Kankers." [He pounds his fists on the file.] "My brother's a whiz at ticking me off!"

[A gym bag lies in a hole, exuding a horrid stench. Ed, dressed like an adult, operates a jackhammer next to it. The Kankers throw open the door to their trailer.]
Lee: "Hey, what stinks?! What's goin on out here? Who the heck are you?"
Marie: "Slug 'em, Lee."
Lee: "Shut up, I'm concentrating."
Edd: [also an adult, directing a detour, in a false voice] "Just construction workers doing their job, miss. Yessiree. We're repairing a darn broken sewage pipe–um–so hence the um–stink."
Lee: "I've seen this guy before. Let's see some ID there, Mr. Man."
Marie: "He's so cute."
[Edd makes a fake ID card and produces it.]
Edd: "There you go, miss. That's me. Walter Sobchak. A construction worker."
Lee: "Good enough for me."
Marie: "Yep. See ya later, cutie." [The Kankers turn to go inside.]
May: "Gimme a call sometime, Wally."
[Edd, spent, slumps against a sawhorse as soon as the Kankers leave.]
Eddy: "Man, that was close. So what are we waiting for? Let's go get our loot, buddy boy!" [He shakes Edd.]
Edd: [shoving Eddy off] "Can't you see I'm trying to regain my composure?"
[Eddy takes the gym bag and shoves it under Edd's nose.]
Edd: "All right! All right! Heavens, Ed, please zip up your gym bag. We're quite done with it."
Ed: "It's not just a gym bag, Double D. It's a way of life!" [He takes it and walks off.]
Edd: "Shall we resume our quest?" [He takes out the map.] "If my interpretation of the map is correct, the treasure should be buried underneath the Kankers' trailer."
Eddy: "Let's start digging."
[They look around the disgustingness that is the underside of the Kankers trailer and stand up, grossed out.]
Edd & Eddy: "Let's get Ed to dig."

[Edd puts the lid back on a stick of butter. Ed has been buttered up to help him fit.]
Edd: "This butter should provide enough lubrication in order for you to squeeze under the trailer, Ed."
Ed: "My fantasy come true! I AM BUTTERED TOAST!"
Eddy: "Ssh! You want the Kankers to hear ya? Now start digging!" [Eddy grabs for Ed, but he slips from Eddy's grasp. This happens every time Eddy grabs for him.]
Edd: "Please keep it down!"
Eddy: "Ed, get back here!"
Ed: "It is slippery, Eddy!"
Edd: "Ed, Eddy! Control yourselves!"
[Ed lands on the ground, laughing. Eddy seizes this opportunity and kicks Ed under the trailer.]
Eddy: [fantasizing] "I bet it's gold! Or rough-cut diamonds!" [Ed lifts the trailer.]
Ed: "It smells under here, guys."
Edd: [through clenched teeth] "Down, Ed, down! Put it down!"
Ed: "What?" [He can't hold the trailer up, and it crashes back down.]
Marie: "Go tell those guys to keep it down, Lee."
Lee: [kicking the door open] "HEY, WALTER!"
[She looks around. The Eds have deserted their fake construction site.]
Lee: "No sign of 'em, Marie. Must be on a coffee break."
[Lee goes back inside. The camera shifts to show that the Eds have taken refuge underneath the trailer.]
Edd: [nervous] "This is becoming extremely dangerous, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Let's get the stash and get out of here!"
Ed: "Is that you tickling me, Eddy?"

[Inside the trailer, the brood is watching TV.]
Marie: "Hey Lee, get off your rump and run my bath."
Lee: [throwing Marie towards the stairs] "Get some exercise, it's good for ya."

[Underneath the trailer, Ed has dug a gigantic hole. The shovel clangs on something solid.]
Ed: "Hey guys, I hit something!"
[Excited, Eddy leaps into the hole.]
Eddy: "Get out of the way, Monobrow." [He clears the dirt from the top of a treasure chest.] "I'm rich! Filthy rich!"

[In the bathtub, Marie is washing clothes.]
Marie: "Lee, get me the strainer. These clothes are crusty."

[The Eds strain to pull the suitcase free. Ed finally manages to do it, and he pops through the bathroom floor. He then sees Marie who notices him.]
Marie & Ed: "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
Lee: [breaking the door down using May as a battering ram] "What's goin' on in here?"
Eddy: [climbing out of the hole] "Where'd you put the treasure, Ed?" [Edd cringes in fear.] "I don't see it, Ed."
Ed: [pointing to where it lies before grabbing Edd] "Over there, Eddy."
Eddy: [hauling it in] "There you are! Oh man, I can see it now! Mansions! Yachts! Friends!"
[Eddy heaves it open as his friends cower. His hopes are instantly dashed; the suitcase is full of wishbones.]
Edd: "Wishbones?"
[A pair of hands slam the case shut and take it away.]
Eddy: [shivering with his friends] "I'm so confused!"
Edd: "I think your brother's a whiz at pulling your leg, Eddy!"
Lee: "Looks like we've adopted some groundhogs, eh girls?"
Marie: [now out of the tub and wearing a towel] "Cute chubby-cheeked ones, too."
May: [holding the case] "Hey! I forgot where I hid these!"
Ed: "Well what do we do now, guys?"
[Edd looks at the Kanker file.]
Edd: "We'll pay you a bribe. Fifty cents. From each of us."
Eddy: [nauseous] "Fifty? Pay? I can't breathe!"

[Edd and Ed come flying out of the trailer hitting in the trash can. Eddy runs after them.]
Eddy: "Guys! Wait!"
Lee: "Oh no, you don't." [She grabs him and hauls Eddy back inside.]
Eddy: "I'll give you an I.O.U! C'mon! Spot me!"
[Marie slams the door shut.]
Ed: [waving] "Catch you later, Eddy!"
Edd: [tearfully] "Oh, Ed! If only I had brought just a few more coins!"
Ed: "You did the brotherly thing, Double D." [He puts an arm around Edd and leads him away.]
Edd: "You really think so, Ed?"
Ed: "Think what, Double D?"
Eddy: [from inside the Kankers' trailer] "Help me!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide