Ed, Edd n Eddy

[The scene opens in a garage. An insect is crawling across what appears to be a workshop desk.]
Edd: [picking it up with a pair of tongs] "Not so fast, little fella!" [He carefully places the insect in a jar.]
Ed: "I saw this thing in a movie. "I Married a Thorax!"
Edd: [looking over his insect collection] "Ants, check. Millipedes, check. Moths–"
Eddy: "Yep. It's a bug."
Edd: [holding up an empty jar] "Well, Eddy, the time has arrived for my monthly insect expedition!" [handing him supplies] "A pair of galoshes and sterile gloves to avoid bacteria and germs."
Eddy: "Insects bug me."
Edd: [holding out a shovel and some gloves] "Ed, for you."
Eddy: [intentionally misusing the equipment] "Okay. Ready."
Ed: [wearing a glove on his head] "Set." [He blows the glove up until it shoots off his head.]
Edd: "Go! Let us proceed to the forest!" [He leads the way.]
Eddy: "Follow Nature Boy."

[The Eds are in the forest.]
Edd: "Isn't it magnificent? All the splendors of nature, displayed in one giant petri dish full of life!" [As he speaks, the atmosphere of the forest changes, becoming darker and scarier.]
Ed: "I think I swallowed a bug."
Eddy: [hearing a noise] "Huh? What was that?"
[The camera zooms out to show that there's nothing there.]
Eddy: "That's it! This nature stuff is for the birds." [He stomps off and disappears around a corner.] "WHOAOOO!"
Ed and Edd: "Eddy?" [They go after Eddy and find him staring at an enormous spiderweb.]
Ed: [entranced] "Whoa, way big."
Edd: "It's a masterpiece of nature!"
Eddy: "Looks like my grandmother's hairnet. Well, let's go guys. ED!"
[Ed is in the center of the web, bouncing on it.]
Eddy: "Get down, you maniac!"
Ed: "Yee-haw, it's sticky!"
Edd: "You're disturbing the eco-environment!" [They hear a noise.]
Ed: "What was that?"
Edd: "Now you've done it. Ed, I suggest..." [He gulps. Eddy starts shivering.]
Chanters: "Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. Sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G."
Eddy: "Ed! Get off that thing!" [Spooky laughter is heard.]
Ed: "Huh?" [he tries to get down] "Help me, guys! I don't want the fluids drained from my body!"
Eddy: "Hold on, Ed! We'll rescue ya!"
[Edd and Eddy try to pull Ed loose. Meanwhile, the chant starts again.]
Chanters: "Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. Sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G."
[Ed is pulled loose. The laughter is heard again, and the Eds run through the forest. They suddenly run into three pairs of eyes.]
Chanters: "Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. Sitting in a tree."
[The Eds run away.]
Chanters: "K-I-S-S-I-N-G."
[The Eds run into the eyes again.]
Chanters: "Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. Sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N–"
[The Eds run again.]
Edd: [spotting an exit] "A way out. Through the trees!" [The Eds follow it and plunge headfirst into swampy muck.]
Eddy: "Help! Quicksand!"
Ed: "I am blind"
Edd: "My eyes!"
[The Eds see something that makes them clam up. The spooky laughter is heard again, and three figures step in front of the camera.]
The Eds: "AAAAAHHH!"

[We are now in a trailer park. The camera circles around and centers in on a blue trailer. Inside, the Eds are lying on the floor, wearing robes.]
Lee: [standing over them with May and Marie] "Hey Eds, so happy you dropped in!"
Marie: "Hope you like our dads' robes!"
[The Eds sit up with a start. Edd is wearing a robe that says "Bubba," Ed is wearing one that says "Rod," and Eddy has on a robe reading "Butch."]
Eddy: "How did we get into these?"
[The Kanker Sisters lean in and attempt to kiss them. The Eds flee to the wall, and the Kankers giggle.]
Edd: [in an undertone] "This is not good."
Lee: [as she and her sisters flop down around the Eds] "Go ahead. Yell. No one will hear you."
May: "I'm May Kanker."
Marie: "I'm Marie Kanker."
Lee: "And I'm Lee Kanker. We're the Kanker sisters. We just moved in."
Eddy: "I'm Eddy."
Ed: "I'm Ed."
Edd: "I'm–"
Marie: "We know. Double D. Don't you worry about that."
Eddy: "Uh, do you girls know where our clothes are?"
Lee: "Oh they're drying outside. You boys sure were dirty." [Eddy jerks up, confused.] "We're gonna pop into the kitchen for a bit, boys, and fix up some home cookin' for ya."
Marie: "We'll be right back."
May: [leading the pack] "Hey! Wait for me!" [The Kanker sisters exit.]
Edd: [nervous] "This is very strange. Let's go!"
Eddy: [dragging him back] "Hold it, Double D. Where's your manners? They're new here. And they said they were gonna make us some food, didn't they? So why don't we just hang out a bit, eat for free, and then we can split. C'mon, let's check this place out!"
Edd: [still not satisfied] "Where exactly are we?"

[Eddy stares out the window at the trailer park.]
Eddy: "Huh. Looks like a postcard I sent my brother once."
Ed: "Ah, TV!" [He turns it on and gets only static. He pounds it a few times, but still receives nothing. He pounds it again, and then tries turning the knob. Even after this, he still gets nothing.] "Ah, it's a rerun." [He turns the TV off and picks up a diving helmet.] "Nice space helmet." [He puts it on and sits on the couch.] "Take me to your plumber."
Eddy: "Nice head, Ed. Get it? It rhymes. Head? Ed? I crack me up."
Edd: [looking at the bookcase] "Interesting. Hub Cap Digest." [He picks it up and flips through it. All the pages are blank.] "This book has no print. These pages are blank!"
Eddy: [pointing at something] "Ha ha look! Artwork!" [He laughs.] "It's Ed and May! How cute!" [His gaze then falls on one of Edd and Marie.]
Edd: "Is that me?"
Eddy: [seeing a drawing of Eddy and Lee getting married] "What the–AAAAH! That's not funny!" [He tears it off the wall and crumples it up.]
Marie: [entering with a tray on which are cups of milk] "Okay, boys! Come and get some nice cold delicious powdered milk!"
[The Eds rush over and drink from the glasses. After each sip, they exhale white powder into the air.]
Marie: [putting a videotape in the VCR] "How about a video? Fish Bowl 2. A classic."
[The Eds sigh and sink into the couch, contented.]

Marie: [back in the kitchen with her sisters] "It's so nice to have the boys home."
May: "Hey, I'm doing the fish sticks!" [She snatches the box from Marie.]
Marie: "Then give me the squeeze-it-clob!"
Lee: "Girls, shut up! We got lunch to make?" [She grabs a stick of lard.] "The way to a man's heart is through his arteries." [She dumps the entire stick on top of the burgers.] "Add a little Kanker secret sauce...Ketchup!" [She drowns the food in the condiment.]

[The food is being brought in to the Eds.]
The Kankers: "Dinner's ready."
[The scent is so tantalizing that the Eds levitate towards the grub. They take it back to the couch and dig in.]
The Kankers: [sighing] "They're so dreamy."
May: [going upstairs with her sisters] "Be back in a minute, boys!"
Lee: "Yeah. We're gonna go and freshen up!"
[The Eds continue to eat. Eddy stops after a bite and pulls out a cog wheel. He throws it behind the couch and continues his meal.]

[The Kankers come downstairs, now wearing prettier clothes.]
The Kankers: "We're back."
Marie: "Notice anything new, Eddy?" [When he doesn't respond, she waves a hand in front of his eyes. Eddy doesn't notice.]
Lee: "The finest in processed products! Only the best for you." [Eddy pays no attention to her statement.]
Eddy: "Hey, how about a refill on that powdered milk stuff?"
May: "Do you like our Kanker Burger, Big Ed?"
Ed: [talking with his mouth full] "It's good, yum!"
May: "Don't talk with your mouth full mister!"
[Marie puts a pillow behind Edd. Edd starts.]
Marie: "AAH!"
Edd: "Please refrain from touching me when I'm eating. Thank you."
Marie: [poking him] "I'll touch you whenever I want, buddy boy!"
Edd: "Is there a problem?"
The Kankers: "Everything's fine!"

[The Eds are watching Fish Bowl 2 when the Kankers move to stand in front of the TV.]
Eddy: [annoyed] "Hey move it! Out of the way! This is the best part!"
Lee: "Move it?"
Marie: [getting in Eddy's face] "It's not good enough that we've worked hard and broken our backs for you?"
Lee: [in Ed's face] "If things don't change around here, we're leaving!"
May: [in Edd's face] "It's time you good-for-nothings started to pull our own weight around here!"
Ed: [to Eddy] "What is up with them?" [They both look to Edd, who shrugs.]
Marie: [pointing to the food remnants] "Clean this mess up right now!" [The Eds rush to take care of it, but before they can start Lee calls them.]
Lee: "Hey! Over here! Clean this mess!" [The Eds are in front of a sink full of dishes.]
[Ed comes up with an idea. He lifts the couch, and the Eds slide the mess under it.]
Lee: "You call that clean?" [she throws some clothes at Eddy] "Get washing!"
Marie: [handing Edd a brush] "And scrubbing!"
Lee: [grabbing Edd by the ear] "Come along, little man."
Marie: "Time to clean up!" [She grabs Eddy by the hair. Ed laughs at his friends' misfortune until May hands him a toilet brush.]
May: "And you!" [Ed heads off to clean.]

[There are noises coming from a toilet. The lid lifts slightly and Ed peeps out.]
May: "Make it shine!" [She slams the lid back down.]

[Edd is in front of a sink, washing dishes. Ed suddenly appears and wrecks the stack.]
Edd: "Ed, you ruined my dishes."
Ed: [laughing, he passes Eddy] "Headed outside, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Slacker." [While looking at Ed, he collides with Edd. Their piles, of laundry and dishes, respectively, fly all over the place.]
Lee: [painting her toenails] "That better be fighting over me I hear in there!"

[Ed is washing the windows. In the kitchen, Edd is getting up.]
Edd: "I'm going to sanitize the living area."
Eddy: [close to the edge] "Okay. I'll clean this. I'll clean EVERYTHING!" [He throws the laundry in the sink, which is filled with soapy water, and stomps on it.]

[Edd is cleaning the living room floor.]
The Kankers: "Better shine it up nice!"
[Ed enters from the outside, mud on his shoes.]
The Kankers: "Hey! Mud tracker! You're tracking mud!"
Edd: "Mud?"
[Ed looks down. Through the film of his helmet, he can clearly see the mud.]
Ed: "Uh-oh." [He exacerbates the problem by walking forward and tracking more mud. He then steps in Edd's bucket of water, which gives him momentum, sending him uncontrollably towards the kitchen.]
May: "You better not wreck Daddy's bucket!"
[Ed heads into the kitchen and collides with Eddy, who is holding laundry. Eddy passes the laundry to him.]
Eddy: "Hang these outside!" [He pushes Ed in the opposite direction.]
Ed: "Uh. Okay. EDDY!" [He collides with Edd, who is scrubbing the floor again. They both topple over. Lee comes over and lectures Ed]
Lee: "You sailors are all alike... [The camera cuts to inside Ed's helmet. Lees lips move, but no words can be heard.] ...you should go back to diving for clams!"
Eddy: [fed up] "THAT'S ENOUGH!" [The Kankers begin to snivel.] Okay?
Marie: "T-this is the th-thanks we get for our hard work?"
[The Kankers run into their room crying.]
Eddy: "Uh-oh."

[The Kankers are sitting on the bed in their room.]
May: [sniffling] "Us girls have got to get ourselves together." [The doorknob turns and the Eds peek in.] "Haven't you done enough damage already? Now get out of here! And never come back!" [She slams the door in their faces.]
Eddy: [satisfied] "Well, you heard her. Let's go!"
Edd: "This has been quite educational."
Eddy: "Hello, freedom."
[Eddy opens the door only to come face to face with the Kankers.]
Eddy: "AAAAH!"
May: "Just a minute there. What about Eddy Jr.?" [She pulls a string on a doll of Eddy, and Eddy's laugh plays.]
Lee: [with a doll of Ed] "And Ed Jr.!"
May: [as Marie pulls out an Edd doll] "Don't forget Double D Jr.!"
The Eds: "AAAH!"
Eddy: "That's it! RUN FOR IT!" [The Eds run away screaming, still wearing the robes.]
Lee: "That's it, run you cowards!"
May: "Get lost!"
Marie: "And don't trip on your shoelaces!"
May: [happily watching them] "Look at them run."
Marie: [dreamily] "Just like a real man."
Lee: [blowing a kiss] "I think I'm in L-U-V love!"
[The Kankers sigh, and then laugh evilly.]

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide