Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Eddy is shooting pool using eggs. The one he's aiming for is a striped ball painted orange.]
Eddy: "Keep your eye on the egg, Ed. Five ball in the corner pocket."
[Eddy shoots it off a chair into a tree, which plops it into Ed's mouth. Ed spits the egg against the wall just as Edd walks in.]
Edd: "What's going on in here?"
Eddy: "Nothing. What?" [Ed stands up, eggs replacing his eyes.]
Ed: "Bingo!"
Eddy: "Bingo. Good one."
Edd: "Can you two try to behave? I'm almost done."
Eddy: "That's what he said two hours ago. There are people waiting for us to take their money and we're stuck."
[A noise comes from the kitchen. Eddy and Ed enter to see Edd working a sewing machine. While Edd examines his work, Eddy appears next to him.]
Edd: [seeing Eddy next to him] "GAAAH! Please don't do that."
Eddy: "Gee whiz, Double D. I never realized you were into such girl stuff."
Edd: "Household tasks are not just for girls, Eddy. And if you must know, I was asked to mend the curtains by Mother. Every child should start their day by completing the tasks set upon them by their parents."
Ed: [wrapped in the curtains] "I must eat your brain!"
[Eddy steps on the pedal and Ed is sewn up like a pair of pants.]
Ed: "I am all dressed up and ready to go, guys!"
Eddy: "Fashion victim. Let's go, Double D."
Edd: "In a minute. A quick survey to see if I missed any parental sticky notes!"
Eddy: [after watching Edd check for several seconds] "Are you bored? 'Cause I'm ready to bust a–" [He sees a note on the phone.] "Oh, great. What's this one say? 'Dear Eddward, stop breathing because the sink is clogged.'?"
[An idea suddenly hits him, and he literally sees Edd as the perfect sucker for one of his pranks.]
Eddy: "If chores is what Double D wants, it's chores Double D gets. Nothing like a little forgery to spark up the day." [He begins to write a new note and once he's finished, he holds them up.] "See? This is Mommy's note, and my exact copy." [It is easy to see the difference.] "Pretty good, huh? He'll never tell the difference!"
Ed: "That is so lame, Eddy." [He writes his own note.]
Eddy: "And you're like a human photocopier, right, Mr. Perfecto?"
Ed: "Dare to compare." [Eddy compares the original with Ed's forgery.]
Eddy: [impressed] "Will you ever cease to amaze me, Ed?"
Ed: "Yes, I will."

[Edd is checking a list of sticky notes.]
Edd: "And last but not least, towels triangulated. Inspected and complete. Well, well, well."
[Edd enters the kitchen, where his friends are waiting nonchalantly.]
Edd: "Ready when you are."
Eddy: "Hey, Double D, you're slipping, 'cause you missed one." [He points to a note by a broom.]
Edd: "Hmm. Dear Eddward, insert broom lint into your belly button. Love, Mom?"
[Behind him, Eddy giggles.]
Edd: "Oh my. I hope it's clean." [He picks the broom up.] "Well, um, Mother knows best. Yes indeedy."
[Edd queasily plucks a piece of the lint from the broom and inserts it into his belly button.]
Eddy: [to Ed] "Are you seeing what I'm seeing? He did it!"
Ed: "What a tree bark."
Eddy: "Sap, Ed. Sap." [They laugh.]
Edd: [linted] "Now that the lint is safely tucked away, shall we go, chums?"
Ed: "But, Double D, a note I see there." [A note is stuck to a suit.]
Edd: "Father's suit! How could I have missed this one?"
Eddy: "Yeah, what's with you? Trying to chintz out on your chores?"
Edd: "Dear Eddward..." [He trails off.] "Oh my."

[Rolf is sharpening Victor's horns.]
Rolf: "There you go, Victor. Rolf's eyes sting with your beauty. Ah, Rolf is good." [He hears a pig squealing.] "Wilfred? Have you eaten Rolf's hose again?"
[Edd has dressed Wilfred in the suit.]
Edd: "Well, Wilfred, as strange as this may seem, you do look marvelous." [Wilfred licks him.] "Guah."
Ed: [picking up the pig] "Spiffy!"
Eddy: "This is too rich!"
Edd: "Rich? What's rich?"
Eddy: "Wilfred's rich. Um, he looks like a million bucks! Yeah!"
Rolf: "Hello, Ed-boys." [Ed lowers the pig to reveal an unsmiling Rolf.] "Why must you spoil Wilfred with this lavish monkey suit? This will only lead him to search for a life as an airline steward." [He yanks his swine out by the nostrils of his snout, the suit soon collapsing to the ground.]
Ed: "Monkey suit?"
Rolf: "Speak to Rolf."
Eddy: "Yeah, Double D. Speak to Rolf." [He shoves Edd into Rolf.]
Edd: "Oh, there you are! Call it crazy, but it was a chore, if you will. A handwritten request by Father. We communicate through sticky notes."
Rolf: "Rolf respects your vow to uphold the Sticky Note of Elders, yet–" [He puts on a giant hammer hat.] "You must be punished."
Edd: [cowed] "What is that, Rolf?"
Rolf: "The hat of discipline. Do you live in a cave?" [He brings it down on Edd.] "All is forgiven."
Edd: "Thank you, Rolf."
Eddy: "Oh, look! We found another note!" [He holds a measuring cup out to Edd.]

Edd: "This is absurd, Eddy! What's come over Mother and Father?" [Eddy is pushing Edd forward, the latter holding a measuring cup.]
Eddy: "You read the note, Double D, don't be a chicken."
Ed: "I'm a monkey!" [He's wearing the suit.]
Eddy: "You have to do what the note says, Double D."

[The Kankers are skipping rope with a broken chain.]
Lee: "Jump higher, May!"
Marie: "She's too fat."
May: "How about a fat lip?"
Edd: "Hello?" [The Kankers stop playing.] "Oh, I-I was going to–"
Marie: "Ask me for a date?"
May: "Sweep me off my feet?"
Lee: "Stand in line, girls!"
Edd: "Oh yes." [He giggles nervously.] "C-could I trouble you for a cup of sugar?" [Another nervous giggle.]
Marie: "He wants to share condiments."
May: "We're so alike!"
Marie: "Back off, bowser!"
Lee: "Marie! Grab him before he runs away!"
Eddy: [watching from behind a junked car] "This is better than cable."
Edd: "Ladies, please!"
May: "We're ladies!"
Lee: "He said please."
Marie: "Let's kiss him!"
Edd: "Kiss? No not that!"
Eddy: "And I thought today was gonna be a write-off. Get it? Write off?" [The cup flies overhead.] "I can't stand it!" [He collapses with the hilarity.]
Ed: [seeing Edd, stuffed into his hat, crawling] "Oh no! They tore off Double D's head!"
Eddy: "Hurry up, Ed. Write another note."
Lee: [appearing] "Well, if it ain't Tweedledee and Tweedledum."
Marie: "You take the short, yappy one, Lee."
May: "Beat it, Marie! You had your turn!" [She throws Marie against a trailer.] "I'll take the big goofy one, Lee."
Eddy: "Run, Ed!" [Ed holds out the measuring cup.]
Ed: "Don't let me have to use this!"
Lee: "What are you gonna do, bake us a cake?" [Ed shoves the cup over the Kankers' heads.]
Ed: "Wait for me, Eddy!"

[Eddy is in his room laughing.]
Eddy: "Double D, you shoulda seen the look on your face!" [He falls to the ground in a fit of laughs.] "It was so ripe!"
Edd: [cleaning his face] "This is so out of control, Eddy! Mother and Father's requests have become unsound! It's as though they were written by someone other than my parents!"
Eddy: "Nope. Couldn't be. It was them, alright. Who knows what the next sticky note'll say."
Edd: [gasping] "Oh my, you're right, Eddy. Ssh! Do you hear it? Distress is knocking on my door! Listen. Could it be? IT'S THE STICKY NOTES OF THE APOCALYPSE!!! I can't go home, Eddy. There's only one solution. I'll just move in with one of you."
Ed: "Move in with me! Move in with me!"
Eddy: "Yeah, Lumpy could use some company."
Ed: "We can be like brothers and share the same bathroom."
[Edd looks disgusted.]
Edd: "Thank you Ed, that's um...nice. But I'll stay with Eddy. His room has the same proportions as mine, and with a little renovating–"
Ed: "Ooh ooh! I know!" [He runs off to get something.]
Eddy: "Hey, wait a minute! Don't I have a say in this?"
Edd: "Please submit any suggestions anonymously and I'll see if they fit in the plans. You'll just love it!"
Ed: "Boink, boink." [He has smashed a piece of furniture.] "Here is a bookshelf, and a new ant farm." [He slams a hammer down on Eddy's phonograph.]
Eddy: "My turntable!!!"
Edd: "I'm sure my ants will be very happy there, Ed." [to Eddy] "Bless his soul." [normally] "Let me help, Ed!"
Eddy: "Double D, wait! It was all a big joke! Me and Ed–well, mostly Ed, I just watched–wrote those silly sticky notes! Funny, huh?"
Edd: "Reality check. I think I can recognize my own parents' handwriting, Eddy. Puh-leeze!"
[Ed is sawing through nothing.]
Ed: "Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. I cut the air in two! This side's yours, Double D." [Edd gets all of Eddy's possessions except the bed.]
Edd: [starting a vacuum cleaner] "We can share the air, Ed."
Eddy: "It's my air! I ain't sharing! Ed, stop sawing the air!" [A rug is sucked into the vacuum.] "My rug!"
Edd: "Shag rugs are a magnet for discarded nail trimmings!"
[Edd points the vacuum cleaner at the bed, and several magazines fly out from under it, sucked away.]
Eddy: "My magazines!"
Edd: "I have plenty of educational reading material we can share! Not to worry!"
Eddy: [erupting] "THAT'S IT! Put back my magazines, my shag rug, and my air!"
[Eddy's disco ball clatters to the ground and rolls over to him, broken in many places.]
Ed: [hanging from where the disco ball was] "Oops. It wasn't me. Sorry."
Eddy: [through clenched teeth, to Edd] "Get out of my room! You're a pest!"
Edd: "Fine. No need to repeat yourself. No sir, I'm a good listener. I'll just sleep under a bench somewhere, seeing as I can't return to my home or rely on my friends." [He leaves Eddy's room sorrowfully.]
Eddy: "Out with ya! It's gonna take me forever to fix all this air." [Ed starts sniveling.] "What's with you?"
[Ed seems ready to burst into tears.]
Eddy: "What?" [Ed's eyes fill with tears.] "Stop looking at me like that." [Eddy's eyes begin to water.] "Don't–don't make me have to kick you out." [He begins to cry.] "Now look what you did. Double D!" [He tearfully chases after the lost, lonely Ed-boy.]

[Edd hasn't left Eddy's yard, instead searching for a place to rest his head among the wonders of nature.]
Edd: "A rock provides shelter to many arthropods."
Eddy: "Double D!" [He rushes out of his house.] "Don't touch that rock!"
Edd: "It is yours, I suppose. I'll go elsewhere."
Eddy: "No, wait!" [Eddy grabs his friend.] "You got it all wrong, pal, it was all Ed's fault, and Kevin, as usual."
Edd: "Kevin?"
Eddy: "Yeah, that square-headed jerk."
Edd: "But Kevin wasn't in this show, Eddy."
Eddy: "There you go! So, my room's your room."
[Edd grins.]
Edd: [hugging Eddy] "Thank you, Eddy! Thank you! You won't even know I was there!"
Eddy: [uncomfortable] "Uh, our faces are touching, Double D."

[Edd is in Eddy's bed. Eddy comes in in his nightclothes, carrying a book and a steaming glass of milk. Eddy sits down on a stool by his bed.]
Eddy: "Nice and comfy there, Double D?"
Edd: "Tuck me, Eddy?" [Eddy tucks Edd in.] "Thank you, Eddy."
[Eddy dips a spoon into the glass of warm milk. He blows the steam from it and feeds it to Edd.]
Eddy: "Here's your warm milk."
[Edd finishes his milk, and Eddy picks up the book.]
Edd: "Biology for the Astute? Good choice, Eddy."
Eddy: [reading] "And so from a still pond a young mosquito, also known as a lar..." [He stops, not knowing how to pronounce the word. He shows Edd the book.] "What's this word?"
Edd: "Larva, Eddy."
Eddy: "Oh yeah. Where was I?"
Edd: "You know, Eddy, Mother and Father before bed would usually massage my feet." [He sticks out his leg and holds some skin cream out to Eddy.] "It relaxes me so."
Eddy: [grossed out] "ED!!!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide