[Sarah and Jimmy walk down the snow-covered street.]
Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy!"
[Jimmy, following her, slips on the snow and gets up gingerly. He resumes walking, careful not to slip on anything else. Behind him, Nazz, Kevin, and Jonny slip out from hiding places, snowballs raised.]
Nazz: "Let 'em have it, dudes!" [Kevin and Jonny launch their snowballs while Nazz's plops to the ground.]
Jimmy: "Snowball ambush!"
[Sarah manages to escape the onslaught, but Jimmy gets plastered by the snowballs.]
Jonny: "Kaplowie!"
Kevin: "Got that right. Winter looks good on him!"
[Kevin, Sarah, and Nazz leave, laughing. Jimmy creeps out from the mound of snow that buried him.]
Jimmy: "Winter scares me."
Sarah: [falling in the snow] "Wintertime's fun! Look, Jimmy, I'm making a snow angel!"
[Ed, Edd, and Eddy walk down a driveway.]
Eddy: [grumpy] "Two inches of snow ain't even enough to cancel school!"
Edd: "Oh, come now, Eddy. Winter's a time to… reflect on Nature's beauty. Why, look around you. It's so pure! So inspiring!"
Ed: "Guys! Look!" [He tackles Edd.] "Smooooke." [His breath comes out as steam. He then takes a deep breath.] "I am Hibachi Man! Bow before my breath of charcoal doom!"
Edd: "A formidable foe, Ed, I'm sure. But your smoke is nothing more than–" [Ed sends more smoke by.]
Ed: [pleading] "Hibachi Man, Double D!"
Edd: "Very well then. Prepare to meet your match, Hibachi Man!" [He pulls a stick of celery from his pack.] "You'll never charcoal the denizens of this dimension!"
[Edd and Ed chase each other around the street happily as Eddy grumpily looks on.]
Ed: "Begone, celery stalk of justice!"
[Sarah is demonstrating to Jimmy how to make snow angels.]
Jimmy: "Okay, I get it now, Sarah." [He tries to make one, but cannot budge the snow more than a few inches.] "I pulled my funny bone, Sarah. Owie!"
Ed: "Hibachi Man makes his daring escape! The Barbecue Belly Slide!"
[Ed slides on his belly, rushing down the sidewalk at Jimmy and Sarah.]
Sarah: "Ed! You idiot!"
[Ed plows into Jimmy and Sarah. They ride on his back through two fences. The second knocks Ed off balance, and they tumble apart as they come to a cliff. They fall as Edd watches, horrified, and Eddy watches gleefully. Sarah lands on the top of a streetlight. Ed somehow ends up caught in the middle of it. Jimmy lands on a lump of snow which is revealed to be a fire hydrant. The hydrant explodes sending water skyward and the water freezes instantly, trapping Jimmy inside.]
Sarah: [grabbing Ed] "You lunkhead! Look what you did to Jimmy!"
Eddy: [laughing] "You're a laugh and a half, Ed!" [Edd gets a ladder.]
Edd: "Goodness! You really should exercise more caution, Ed."
Ed: "That'll make my thighs burn, Double D." [Sarah throws him down and jumps on him.]
Edd: [defrosting Jimmy] "If only someone could address the true reality of wintertime hazards. We would all be much more–"
Eddy: [annoyed] "Not that again! Nobody wanted to hear about it last year, or the one before that! [Ed is seen dropping snow into his pants before Eddy leads him away.] And no one wants to hear about your stupid safety club idea this year."
Jimmy: "Safety club?" [Edd stops the hair dryer.] "No more winter owies?"
[Eddy gets hit with a snowball thrown by an off-screen Ed. He scoops up a big pile of snow.]
Eddy: "Better make a will, Ed!"
Edd: [helping Jimmy down the ladder] "I believe that if a few thoughtful safety guidelines were set into play, winter would be a much safer time of year for all."
Jimmy: "Tell me more, Double D!"
[The bell rings and Eddy runs out of the school, carrying two lunch trays. He runs towards a shed marked "Safety Club." On the way, he dumps the food and begins calling to Edd.]
Eddy: "Check it out, Double D! Nothing says wintertime fun like scoring a couple of lunch trays from the caf and sledding down a hill, huh?"
Ed: "Lunch trays are the transportation of tomorrow, Double D!"
Eddy: "C'mon! What're we waiting for?" [Edd takes his tray.]
Edd: "I'll take that, thank you. Lunch trays are not intended for recreational use, and could very well prove hazardous." [He takes Ed's tray.] "Deputy?" [Edd hands the trays to Jimmy, who locks them in a chest.] "I have a much more rewarding activity that the two of you will find absolutely invigorating!"
[Ed is playing with the zipper on a brightly colored safety vest.]
Ed: "Up, down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down? Up down."
Eddy: "Idiot."
Ed: "Up. Down."
[A bell rings, and Edd and Jimmy board the sled.]
Edd: "Safety Cadets, let's patrol!"
[Ed pulls the sled around the school grounds.]
Jimmy: "Isn't this exciting?"
Eddy: "Yeah, like a faucet leak."
[Edd scans the grounds through binoculars.]
Edd: "Things are looking up, Deputy. Nazz and Sarah are enjoying a safe winter–good lord!" [He sees that they are standing on ice.] "Deputy! I fear we have a breach. Code 62B dash slipdrop."
[Nazz and Sarah are having fun when a hockey stick is thrust to them.]
Edd: "Grab hold and remain steadfast, ladies! Thin ice on large bodies of water is risky business with grave results!"
[Edd and Jimmy, expecting them to grab on, begin pulling at it. Nazz and Sarah simply walk off the ice.]
Edd: "No thanks are necessary. All part of the Peach Creek Jr. High's Safety Club's daily diligence. [takes out a brochure and magnifying glass] May we suggest snowflake spotting as a safer and much more educational alternative to ice-skating."
Eddy: [grabbing the materials] "Only twenty-five cents!"
Sarah: [outraged] "What!?"
Edd: "Never you mind Eddy, ladies. The Safety Club is free of fees."
[Sarah and Nazz leave as Edd and Eddy argue.]
Eddy: "Free? Like in filch!?"
Nazz: [walking off with Sarah] What was all that about? Jimmy: [to the girls' backs] "Wait! Please come back!"
Jonny: [offscreen] "Quit laughing at me, Plank!"
[An alarm goes off.]
Edd: "Deputy?"
[Jimmy moves towards him, revealing Jonny hidden behind him. Jonny is a snowman.]
Jonny: "I told you I wouldn't make a good snowman, so there!"
Plank:
Edd: [riding up] "Jonny! What were you thinking!" [He puts a thermometer in Jonny's mouth.] "Are you aware of hypothermia?"
Jimmy: "It's a bad enough feeling when your body temperature's at risk!"
Ed: [giggling] "Ice! Fun!"
[The lockbox opens, and a chain of teddy bears is pulled out. Eddy attempts to retrieve his lunch tray but the chest is closed before he can. Jimmy takes the teddy bears and ties them around Jonny's head.]
Edd: "That should maintain a safe core temperature."
Jimmy: [saluting] "Implemented and awaiting–" [Ed knocks him aside.]
Ed: "I am an implement too! Hello, Jonny." [He begins to stuff Jonny's mouth with the bears.]
Edd: "Uh, yes. Um, admirable enthusiasm, Ed. Could you please fetch my thermos of nice, hot soup from the Safety Club chest?"
[Edd gives Ed the key, and Ed goes to get the soup, forgetting about the lunch trays. Finding it, he comes back. Jimmy is unstuffing Jonny.]
Edd: "Very good, Ed."
Jimmy: [mocking] "Very good, Ed."
[Kevin shreds the side of the school on his snowboard.]
Kevin: "Right side on the schoolside! Hook 'em high, man."
Edd and Jimmy: "KEVIN!"
Kevin: "What?" [He lands on a giant balloon bearing the name of the Safety Club.]
Edd: "The Safety Club highly recommends you wear a helmet when executing such extreme activity."
Eddy: "Ha! Boxhead don't need no helmet! He's already dead from the neck up!"
Kevin: "Oh yeah?" [He takes out an outboard motor.] "How about I box your head!" [He puts it on his board.] "Dorky!"
[Kevin gives chase, and Ed and Eddy runs from him.]
[They change course and head for the school.]
Eddy: "Ed! Over here!"
[Ed and Eddy make it inside. Kevin boards up the steps and slams into the school. The school tips backwards a few feet before falling forwards onto the safety club and falling again to come to a stop upside down. A grand tsunami of snow falls on the Safety Club members.]
Jimmy: "Double D, this isn't working. Ed and Eddy are ruining everything!"
Edd: "Now Jimmy, let's remain positive. I'm sure there's some way we can channel their heedless dispositions.
[Kevin continues to chase Ed and Eddy in the background, but they manage to steal his snowboard and pelt him with a snowball before running off.]
[Ed and Eddy are back at the Safety Club shed. Eddy is holding some piece of machinery.]
Jimmy: "You better not drop that!"
Eddy: "What is it?"
Ed: "A poopdeck?" [Eddy stares at him]
Edd: "Not quite, Ed. This is an official Safety Club de-icer machine. Using the salt off of discarded cafeteria pretzels, we can render treacherous icy footpaths safe."
[Edd uses the machine, and it almost magically clears away the snow covering a path.]
Ed: "Salt is like magic!"
Edd: [giving the machine's nozzle to Ed] "Now I'm sure I can trust you and Ed to only spread salt on the icy footpaths, yes?"
Eddy: "Yeah yeah." [salutes] "No more fooling around! Right, Ed?"
[Ed, who has the nozzle stuck on his head, gives a thumbs-up before being led away by a snickering Eddy.]
[Jimmy screws a cork onto a sharp, dangling icicle.]
Edd: "Excellent technique, Jimmy! But the Safety Club guidebook specifies a counterclockwise turn."
Jimmy: "Clearly a misprint, as a clockwise turn is by far superior."
[A red snow cone hits him in the face. The cone is followed by two more. Eddy is using the de-icer to sell snow cones.]
Eddy: "Who's up for a blast of Eddy's Snow Cone Cannon? Pick a flavor. Shivers up your back. All for one measly quarter!"
[A cone lands behind Nazz. She and Sarah are dueling with icicles.]
Ed: "Order up, Eddy!" [He dumps in a new load of snow.]
Edd: "You turned school-sanctioned equipment…" [the part of the machine that originally held the pretzels now squirted red syrup onto the snow] "…into a flimflam? I put my trust in you two!"
Eddy: "What's winter without a snow job, eh, Sockhead? Get it?! Snow? Job?" [Edd cracks a smile.]
Edd: "Yes, well...that was clever. A snow job–" [Jimmy grabs him.]
Jimmy: "Enough! Enough I say! This club is a farce! I was a fool to believe you three bores could enforce safety in the schoolyard! I know what this school needs protection from, and my club will succeed where this peanut gallery failed!"
Ed: [dancing excitedly] "Yum! Peanuts! Yum!"
[As Ed dances, Edd sighs in defeat.]
[The Eds are trapped in an overturned dumpster. The open top is sealed with bars of ice. Ed licks the bars.]
Eddy: "Faster, Ed! Lick it! Lick it! I gotta go to the bathroom!"
[The school bell rings, and Kevin exits, laughing at the Eds.]
Kevin: "It's Dorks on Ice! Right on."
Rolf: "Yes, Rolf finally feels safe enough to appear in this episode."
Jimmy: [in a pink-and-white suit] "The Owie-Go-Kapowie Club's first task is a success." [putting a helmet on Nazz] "These complimentary helmets will keep your hair safe from the frizzy flyaway effects of the winter snow."
Kevin: "I'm outta here!" [He and Rolf take off before Jimmy can put helmets on them.]
Jimmy: "Oh poo."
Sarah: [also an Owie-Go-Kapowie member] "C'mon, Jimmy. Let's go get some cocoa at my house before anyone sees me in this thing."
Nazz: "I've had cocoa before!"
[They leave. Eddy begins to lick the bars. His tongue sticks to one of them.]
Edd: "Ironic, isn't it? Us being singled out as a liability."
Eddy: [realizing his tongue has frozen] "What the–?! My tongue's stuck to the stupid ice!!! And I gotta go to the bathroom!!!"
Ed: "Do not fear, Eddy! Hibachi Man is here! Right, Double D?"
Edd: "Yes! Release this tongue-troubled citizen with your blast-furnace breath, Hibachi Man!"
Eddy: "Hey! Wait a minute, Ed!"
[Ed exhales, blowing Eddy through the bars enclosing the Eds.]
Eddy: "Hey! I don't gotta go anymore!"
Paul Boyd
1967-2007
We miss you, you big lug.
| Season 6 Scripts |
| "May I have this Ed?" • "Look Before You Ed" |
| Seasons: Season 1 • Season 2 • Season 3 • Season 4 • Season 5 • Season 6 • Specials |
| See also: Episode Guide |