Ed, Edd n Eddy
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Script


[A movie, "The Hunt for Edosorus" starts. Credits roll to the sound of pedal-steel guitar. The movie stars Eddy, was directed by Eddy, and features Edd and Ed (Their slide is upside-down). The movie starts. It is paleolithic times. Ed, as a dinosaur, comes onscreen menacingly.]
Jimmy: "Holy mackerel!"
[Ed is chased away by a club-wielding caveman–Eddy. A cavewoman (Edd) comes onscreen, and Eddy flexes for her.]
Sarah: "Oh, brother."
[Suddenly, Jonny's giant head eclipses the screen. The music begins to sound choppy, as Edd, who is providing it live, cannot see the action and thus can't play.]
Sarah: "Jonny, you blimphead! Move it or lose it!" [She knocks him down.]


[Eddy opens his fist and chuckles.]
Eddy: "Pay for Ed-day! There's big cash in showbiz, Double D! Unless you're on cable. Ha!"
Kevin: "What a rip! This is so lame, I'm ready to heave!"
Eddy: "A troublemaker!" [He rushes to Kevin's chair.] "Is there a problem here, patron?"
Kevin: "This movie sucks eggs, so gimme back my money." [Eddy gasps.]
Eddy: [nervous] "Have some popcorn, Kevo! On the house!" [He stuffs a bag into Kevin's mouth.]
Sarah: "Why's he get free popcorn? I want free popcorn!"
[Eddy groans and goes off to get the concession for Sarah. Rolf, seeing this, longingly looks at Nazz's popcorn. He reaches his hand in to take some. At that moment, Nazz reaches for popcorn and grabs Rolf's hand. She stuffs it into her mouth.]
Rolf: [apologetically] "A discharged niblet for Rolf?"
[Nazz glares and punches him out in the seats. Edd watches as Rolf goes flying.]
Rolf: "Son of a shepherd."


[Eddy grabs a bag of popcorn from next to a popcorn machine and adds it to a pile he's carrying.]
Eddy: [sarcastic] "I want free popcorn, I want free popcorn. What do I look like, some popcorn fairy?"
[Eddy turns to give the popcorn to the moviegoers and trips over a prone Rolf. The popcorn goes flying.]
Jimmy: "My eyes!" [The bags have landed on Jimmy.] "This butter substitute is stinging my eyes!"
Kevin: "Now that's entertainment!"
Sarah: "Mind your own beeswax!" [She throws her drink at him.] "Aw, did Kevin go boom?"
Kevin: [getting up] "Right." [Edd looks nervous.] "FOOD FIGHT!"
[A rumble breaks out, popcorn and soda flying everywhere.]
Sarah: "You missed!"
Edd: [trying to calm the ruckus] "People, please! Let's not behave like children!"
Kevin: [holding a drink] "Yo Rolf, think fast!" [He cocks his arm, and Rolf tackles him.]
Rolf: "Too slow!"
Edd: "Eddy, do something!"
Eddy: [handing out concessions and collecting quarters] "Are you kidding me?" [He ducks to avoid a drink.] "I'm making a killing here, Double D!" [Jimmy hands over a quarter and gets more ammo.]
Jonny: [untouched by the war] "Far out! Look, Plank. 3D!"
[An angry Ed stands in front of the movie.]
Edd: "Ed, is something the matter?"
Eddy: "Well, look who decided to join us."


[The sounds of a tussle emanate from the garage.]
Eddy: "Ed! What's the matter with you?! Put me down!"
Jonny: “You’re scaring me!"
Kevin: “Don’t touch me!"
Edd: “Ed, your hands are atrocious!” [Ed heaves the garage door open and carries the kids out.]
Nazz: “What’s going on?”
Sarah: “ED!"
Rolf: “RELEASE ROLF!”
Jimmy: “Put me down!" [Ed drops everyone on his driveway.]
Ed: [yelling angrily] "Away with you! Unwanted pesterers!"
[The kids look at him, surprised by this unusual behavior. Sarah gets up out of the middle of the pile.]
Sarah: "ED! You listen to me, mister! You can't kick me out! [yells] I LIVE HERE TOO!!!!"
Ed: [yells back in Sarah's face] "SO MOVE!!!"
Sarah: [backing up in fear] "Heh. Heh. Okay, we better go." [The kids disperse.]
Kevin: "You read my mind."
Nazz: "What a grouch.”
Jonny: "Catch you on the rebound, slick!"
Edd: "Is it me, or is Jonny's vocabulary deteriorating?"
Eddy: [angry] "I was holding 'em big time with that food fight! Till Mister Happy shows up and ruins everything." [Ed grumpily heaves the garage shut and walks down the street.] [mockingly] "Hey Grumpula! Wake up on the wrong side of those stale socks of yours? [angry about being ignored] Hey Sourpuss!" [Ed walks on.]
Edd: "A dark cloud seems to be hanging over Ed's head, Eddy. Our friend is a mere shell of the awkward, unvarnished, dunderhead we know and love. It's our duty to see Ed through this plague of grief."
Eddy: "Ah, the guy's a big baby. He's probably just got gas."


[Ed sits alone on a stump in the park. His friends arrive.]
Edd: "Ed? Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?"
Eddy: "Hey Double D, is that a lump on a log?" [He chuckles. Ed picks up the stump and turns away.]
Edd: "Ed certainly is long in the face, Eddy."
Eddy: "That's 'cause he doesn't have a chin, Einstein."
Ed: [yelling angrily] "SHUT UP!" [His friends are left shocked as he turns back around, now blushing red in the face.]
Eddy: [furious that Ed both actually yelled at him and actually told him to shut up] "YOU SHUT UP!"
Edd: "Eddy, please! Ed's having a bad day!"
Eddy: "Ed's a wuss. Hey, Rumpel-Forehead!" [Eddy goes to stand next to Ed.] "I'll give ya three TO GET OVER YOURSELF. One!–smile, you miserable–Two!–snap out of it, ya–"
Ed: [grabbing Eddy by his face] "You torment me!" [He throws Eddy against a tree, and the tree breaks in half.]
Eddy: "I'm hurt now."
[Edd brings out a stool and sits by Ed. He is going to try compassion.]
Edd: "Ed?" [He touches Ed's shoulder and looks disgusted. He begins to clean the jacket.] "Do you know what I like when I'm feeling crabby?" [He finishes cleaning.] "A big hug to squeeze those cares away!" [He hugs Ed.]
Ed: [shoving Edd away] "Touch me again and I will squash you!"
Eddy: [mockingly] "Way to go, Mr. Sensitive. A hug. Oh, that's rich."
Edd: "Ed? If you care to share your feelings, I want you to know I'll be right here for you, my friend."
[Edd notices that Ed is scraping the bark off the stump using just his fingers. Ed turns and looks at Edd, doom in his eyes.]
Edd: "Well, let's leave Ed to gather his thoughts, Eddy. A little self-introspection may do him a world of good. Coming, Eddy?"
Eddy: "What're ya gonna do now, knit him a sweater?"


[Edd is using a blow dryer on some pudding skin. Eddy is throwing random items into a box behind him.]
Edd: "Eddy!"
Eddy: "That's my name."
Edd: "What are you doing? We're supposed to be gathering things to cheer Ed up, not unclog his drain!" [He holds up a plunger.] "For example, Ed adores pudding skin." [He picks up the skin.] "So, I've taken the liberty of adorning one with a whimsical smile. Isn't it spiffy?"
Eddy: [rolling his eyes] "Oh, I get it. So this hundred-year-old sandwich is sure to please Mr. Crankypants." [He picks the sandwich off of Ed's pillow. The pillow comes with it, and Eddy sees a magazine under it.] "It's a magazine!" [It is a copy of Chicks Galore.] "Ed's been holding out on us! Chicks Galore, huh?"
[Eddy happily picks it up and flips it open. The pictures inside are of baby chickens.]
Edd: [disgusted] "I didn't even know they had magazines like that."
[Eddy drops the magazine back on Ed's bed and helps Edd cart off the happy box.]


[Edd and Eddy enter the park only to stop. Kevin is bullying Ed by bouncing a baseball behind his head.]
Edd: [horrified] "Kevin! What in heaven's–"
Eddy: "Pass it here, Kev!"
[Eddy goes to join the game. Eddy and Kevin amuse themselves by catching the ball as it bounces of Ed's head.]
Eddy: "Double D, you've gotta try this!"
[Ed grabs Eddy and shapes him into a bat.]
Kevin: "Potent." [He laughs. Ed takes a swing at Kevin and sends the jock flying.] "Whoa!" [Eddy is tossed away, used for his intended purpose.]
Eddy: "Is he happy yet?"
Edd: "Not even a smirk, Eddy."
Eddy: "This stinks." [He reads from a comic book called "Marlene of the Deep."] "’Its tentacles tightened, sucking the marrow–‘“
[Ed slams the book shut on Eddy. The book falls loose, revealing Eddy's head as a page from a comic book. Eddy is saying, "Ow!" He goes over to Edd and tags him.]


[Ed has a turkey on his lap. On top of it is a lit candle. He and Edd are wearing party hats.]
Edd: "Go on, Ed! Blow out the candle, and make a big happy wish!"
[Ed stuffs the turkey into Edd, which Eddy laughs at. Edd goes over to Eddy and tags him in. Not liking this, Eddy tags Edd back. It turns into a slapping match, not realizing that Ed is the one who's desperate.]


[Edd and Eddy are putting on a puppet show using Baron O'Beefdip and a robot alien.]
Baron O'Beefdip: "La la la! Mr. Robot, our moody friend sure could use a good chuckle. Why don't you sing him a song, and lift his spirits?"
Eddy: "I hate puppet shows!" [He tosses the robot away.]
Edd: "Ooh, you're not even trying! You pick that up, Mister!"
[Ed pulls a cord on Baron O'Beefdip's back. A flame shoots out of the toy's mouth, barbecuing the puppet show alongside with the top of Edd's hat and and Eddy's hair.]
Eddy: [amazed] "Nice toy."
[Edd drops Baron O'Beefdip and whispers in Eddy's ear. Eddy leaps out of the box.]
Eddy: "NO WAY! Forget it! I ain't doin’ it!"
Edd: "But Eddy! Look at him!" [He indicates the grumpy Ed.] "If Ed doesn't cheer up soon, he could become a perpetual mope! Do you realize how miserable our lives would be?"
[Eddy stands there grumpily.]


[Eddy is still grumpy, but he is now dressed as a rooster.]
Eddy: [dancing] "Bock bock bock. Look at me, I'm a chicken. Cluck cluck cluck. You love chickens. Chickens make you happy. Buck buck buck. How 'bout I lay an egg?"
[Ed comes over to Eddy and pulls his cowl down over him. Ed then shoves Eddy away.]
Edd: "You forgot to wiggle your tailfeathers, Eddy."
Eddy: [snaps]"THAT'S IT!" [He runs over to Ed.] "I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR BAD MOOD! CRACK A SMILE! BUST A GUT! BE HAPPY!" [He slaps Ed on the back of his head.] "GET OVER IT!"
Ed: [enraged] "RAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" [His eyes turn red and he rips his eyebrow in half and angrily screams loudly at the world.] "BIIIIIIIIG TROUBLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
[Edd faints and Eddy stands there, stunned, as the gale unleashed by Ed's scream rips his shirt off. Ed grabs his stump and proceeds to smash the playground with it. Eddy frantically fans Edd. Ed bites into various pieces of playground equipment and tosses them in the air. Jonny, caught on the seesaw, actually enjoys this.]
Jonny: "Yee-haw!"
Eddy: [desperately shaking Edd] "Double D, wake up! Aah!" [He cowers. Broken pieces of playground land around him and Edd. Eddy then takes cover as the seesaw lands over Edd without crushing him.]
Jonny: "Right on!"
[He lands on one end of the seesaw, Plank on the other. Plank shoots up into the air.]
Ed: "I WANT TO BE ALONE!"
[Plank hits Ed on the back of his head. Ed looks at Plank with a deadly stare.]
Jonny: "Plank?"
[Ed raises Plank over his head, ready to break the board against his knee.]
Jonny: "Gimme Plank back, you meanie!" [Ed holds off Jonny with an outstretched leg.]
Plank:
Jonny: "I'm trying, buddy, but I can't reach you!"
Plank:
Jonny: "You want me to what? That's weird, buddy. But I'll do it."
Eddy: "Oh, this oughta be good."
Jonny: [grabs Ed's right shoe] "Geronimo!"
[Jonny tug Ed's shoe until it comes off. A tiny pebble tumbles out. Ed, suddenly no longer angry, wiggles his sock-clad toe. A wide smile spreads across his face, and he tosses Plank away.]
Ed: [Overjoyed] "Ed is happy once more!"
Jonny: "Buddy!" [He catches and hugs Plank.] [noting how the Eds liven things up] "Never a dull moment with these clowns, huh Plank?"
[Edd walks over to the shoe and pebble and picks up the rock.]
Edd: [Shocked beyond belief] "A pebble? Ed's bad mood was all because he had a pebble in his shoe?" [As he and Eddy try to grasp this, Ed chases Jonny on all fours in the background.]
Jonny: [offscreen] "He's mad, I tell ya, mad!"
Ed: [hugging Edd and Eddy] "My friends! My pals! My name here!"
[Eddy falls to the ground in a fit of crazy laughter.]
Ed: [oblivious] "Somebody had a good day, huh, Double D?" [He and Eddy laugh together.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide
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