Ed, Edd n Eddy
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Script


[Edd is in the dark. He picks up a beaker of florescent pink liquid and pours it out. Suddenly, the lights flip on.]
Eddy: "What are ya, some kind of troll or something?"
Edd: "EDDY, TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!" [protecting the liquid with his body] "This mixture is very sensitive!"
[The lights go out.]
Edd: "Thank you, Eddy. By multiplying the isolated bubble of carbon gas, I've invented a soda that will never lose its fizz!"
[Ed and Eddy perk up.]
Ed: "Yummy!"
Eddy: "Gimme a taste, will ya? I love pop!"
Edd: "No, wait! Eddy!"
Ed: "Like a sponge, thirsty I am!" [He grabs the bottle away.]
Edd: [flipping on the light] "You don't understand! I haven't tested its stability! It remains unpredictable!"
[While Edd talks, Ed guzzles the entire bottle and lets out a huge burp with his tounge in the bottle.]
Eddy: "That was predictable. Ed, you pig!" [He yanks the bottle off Ed's tounge.]
Edd: "Freeze, mister!" [Ed moves into a position and stays still.] "Don't make any sudden movements. Just the slightest twitch might set off the mixture's volatile nature."
Eddy: [lifting Ed's shirt] "And we wouldn't want that to happen, now, would we?" [He takes a feather out and begins to tickle Ed.]
Ed: [laughing and twitching] "Quit it, Eddy!"
Edd: "Stop! Halt! Halt!"
[Eddy continues the tickling. By now, Ed is moving around violently, in the thrall of the feather.]
Edd: "Abstain! Desist! ENOUGH ALREADY!"
Eddy: [stopping] "Don't have a bird, Double D."
[Ed begins to shake. His belly rumbles with the tension. His eyes then turn into spigots that twist to the right and the soda shoots out of his nose. It propels him through the roof of the garage and into the air.]
Ed: [flying] "Gassy."


[Jonny and Plank are engaged in a staring contest.]
Jonny: "You've gotta blink some time, you rascal, you!"
[Ed flies above them, his nose soda falls down upon them, blanketing them completely.]
Jonny: "Gesundheit!"


[Ed flies through a yard. He hits a tree, a clothesline pole, and a house before plowing through a fence. Soda spills everywhere.]


Eddy: [to the crashed Ed stuck in a lawn chair] "Hey Funnelface, Double D said 'don't move!'"
Ed: [popping his head through the lawn chair's fabric] "Did I go somewhere?"
Eddy: "Nah. Just rest that empty little head, Ed."
Edd: [holding up a key] "Look! I found a key! Keys have quite a history of unlocking the mysteries of time!" [using a magnifying glass to examine the key] "Why, just think how tangled one's life becomes by losing something as primitive as a key. Poor soul."
Eddy: "Lemme see that key, Double D." [He pulls it away.]
Ed: "I bet that key unlocks big gates of molten lava, releasing the demons from a box of Oat Bran, on the shelf of a mutant truck stop!"
Eddy: "Oh Ed?"
Ed: "Huh?"
Eddy: "Go get the key!" [He pretends to fling it.]
Ed: "Table for two!" [He runs after the key as Eddy holds in a laugh..]
Eddy: "I bet this key could open King Tut's tomb! Or Al Capone's wallet! Or some exploited cartoon character's theme park! It's ours for the picking, boys."
Edd: "Pardon my English, but, get real, Eddy! I suggest we return the key to its rightful owner."
Eddy: "Of course you do! It's the key to the oyster, Double D. Let's find the pearl!"
Edd: [to Ed, who caught him and kept him from falling] "Why thank you, Ed."
Ed: "Does Al Capone's wallet have pictures, Eddy?" [He drops Edd.]
Edd: "Lovable oaf."


[Jimmy is in the sandbox, playing alone.]
Jimmy: "I hope this sand doesn't get in my loafers." [A hand pushes him forward, destroying his sand castle.] "Hey! Huh? Honest, mister, I'm just a kid. I'm broke!"
Eddy: [trying to use the key on Jimmy's retainer] "Hold still, squirt, I need to see something!"
Jimmy: [his retainer buckling] "Ed! Dy!" [He whines and moans in agony.]
Edd: "For Pete's sake, Eddy, Jimmy's retainer?" [The retainer is horribly mangled around Jimmy's face.]
Jimmy: "Too tight! Too tight! Sarah?" [Hopelessly, he tugs at the mouthpiece and then goes off to find Sarah.]
Eddy: "This key's useless."
Ed: "Oh, I know! Let me try, Eddy!"


[Ed is trying to open Beatrice's udder with the key.]
Ed: "Here we go!" [it doesn't work] "Tricky." [He continues to try the udders.]
Edd: [sarcastically] "I think Ed's on to something, don't you, Eddy?" [pleading] "Come on, Eddy. Someone is really missing this key!"
[Edd falls off of the cow onto Ed.]
Ed: "Ow."
[Eddy laughs.]


[Eddy is trying to use the key to open a manhole.]
Eddy: "It's a key! It's supposed to open something!"
Edd: "That's right, Eddy. Something dear and personal, like a box of photographs. Or a diary, with pages of truth and duration. Or as simple as a locket of love. It's our responsibility to see this key returns to its forsaken owner so life can–"
[The key pops out and sticks in the gap between Edd's teeth as if it were in the keyhole of a door.]
Edd: "Mortified? Yes. But I won't let myself fall prey to such shallow emotion. Not now." [Eddy slaps his forehead.]


Edd: [as Ed tries to open a fire hydrant] "There's a fellow human crying for help, trying to mend the unraveled ball of yarn handed to them."
Ed: [confused by the hydrant's unwillingness to open] "Hmm."
Edd: "Maybe that's the kind of world you wish to live in, Eddy, where the unyielding and indifferent supersede the benevolent. I say–"
Eddy: "SHUT UP DOUBLE D!" [calming down slightly] "Ed, you understand anything Double D said?"
Ed: "Pass the mustard."
Edd: "There's no need to raise your voice, Eddy."
Eddy: "You're right, Double D. I'm sorry."
Edd: "Apology accepted, Eddy." [turning around to talk to Ed] "Ed, Eddy's made a very important first step, and–"
[Eddy kicks Edd in his rear, sending him flying through the air.]
Edd: "EDDDD–DDYYYY!!!!"
Eddy: "My foot apologizes too, Double D!"
Rolf: [carrying a suitcase] "Careful, as the dogs have had their way with that water pump."
Eddy: "Did you see that case? I bet this key is for that case!"


Edd: [talking to Rolf, his hindquarters in the air and aching] "...so I feel mankind should reassess its position on the Darwin graph before total social abandonment." [He straightens up.]
Rolf: "You need to eat more fiber, head-in-sock Ed-boy." [He spots Eddy trying to open the case.] "You want to see, yes?"
Eddy: "Um, yeah. Sure, Rolf."
Rolf: [opening the case] "It has been passed down many generations. Behold!"
Ed: "It's a whatchamacallit."
Rolf: [with an accordion] "Not even close, square-peg-in-round-hole Ed-boy!" [He begins to play a polka.]
Ed: "A kazoo?"
Rolf: "No. The accordion, yes?"
Eddy: [plugging his ears] "I'm outta here!"
Ed: "Polka time!" [He grabs Eddy and begins to dance while singing.] "You're too fat for me…I'm too fat for you…" [He spins Eddy into Edd's arms.]
Edd: "What? No flowers?"
Ed: "You're too fat for me…"
[Eddy grabs Ed and pulls him off.]
Rolf: "Everybody now!" [He looks around and sees the deserted cul-de-sac.] "Hmm? Ed…boys?"


[Ed is standing on his head. His shirt falls up, and he pulls it back down. He laughs and has fun playing with his shirt.]
Eddy: [pacing] "This key's gotta open something!"
Edd: "Eddy, let's return the key to whomever lost it! Then, we'll know what it opens!"
Eddy: "What, and ruin all this frustration?" [Ed's monobrow creeps by like a caterpillar, carrying Ed with it. Eddy looks at this in confusion.]
Edd: "Think of it, Eddy. There may be a reward? Huh? Huh?"
Eddy: "Like cash?"
Edd: "Booty, Eddy." [chuckles]
Ed: "I wish I had a turtle shell."
Eddy: "Follow my lead." [He mutters a plan to Edd.]


Jimmy: [pretending to take pictures of Sarah] "The fall collection screams 'Color Me Bright!' from House of Sarah's Design."
Sarah: [posing] "Yes, well, I'm tired of this, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Don't stop now–you're famous!"
Sarah: "I am?"
[A paper airplane flies by, straight into the camera. It hits Jimmy in the eye.]
Jimmy: "My eye!"
Sarah: "Who's the wiseguy?" [She pulls the airplane out and unfolds it.] "It's a note."


[A water balloon plops through Nazz's window, a note on it. Nazz goes over to examine it, and the balloon explodes in her face. Nazz pulls the wet paper away and reads it.]
Nazz: "We have what you lost."


Kevin: "If you want it back, be in the lane at three o'clock."
[His note was delivered by way of a giant boulder which was dropped on his bike.]


Rolf: [reading the note, which is in a pig's mouth] "And bring a bag of jawbreakers." [dropping the pig] "Swindlers!"


[The Eds are running to the lane.]
Edd: "Holding the key for ransom isn't what I had in mind, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Got that right. It's better!"
[Eddy trips over a sleeping Jonny, who is curled up on the sidewalk.]
Eddy: "What's with Jonny?"
Edd: "Must be three o'clock. Jonny always naps at three o'clock."
Ed: "Isn't Jonny scared the VULTURES WILL GET HIM?"
Eddy: "The guy's a hazard. C'mon, we're wasting time."
[He and Edd continue onwards. Ed stays behind, worried about Jonny.]
Eddy: "Ed!"


[Eddy peeks into the lane. Kevin has a bag of jawbreakers with him and is idly kicking a rock.]
Ed: [to Edd, carrying Jonny] "Aw, he's drooling."
Eddy: "Ha! It's Kevin! This must be the key to his bike lock."
Rolf: [from the lane] "So, it is you!"
Kevin: "Rolf!"
Rolf: "You have broken the trust of a son of a shepherd!"
Kevin: "Me? Get over it! You blew it, man!"
Rolf: [grabbing Kevin by the shirt] "Confess to your crimes, stale end-piece of white bread! Return my eggplant cups!"
Kevin: "Look who's talking!" [They begin to fight with each other.]
Eddy: "It's an international incident."
Kevin: [twisting Rolf's body into a knot] "Cough up my headphones."
Sarah: [with Jimmy, both have bags of jawbreakers] "Hey! Who's the one who took Jimmy's shampoo?!"
Nazz: [still wet, carrying nothing but the note] "Whose bright idea was this?"
Jimmy: "Wait a minute." [He sniffs Nazz's hair.]
Nazz: "What are you doing?" [She pushes Jimmy away.]
Jimmy: "Your hair smells suspiciously herbal fresh." [narrowing his eyes] "Use it or lose it, missy."
[Jimmy attacks Nazz.]
Sarah: "Holy mackerel!" [She helps Jimmy.]
[By now the lane has collapsed into chaos. Eddy looks on, befuddled.]
Eddy: "What the heck are they doing?" [to the kids] "Hey hey hey!" [The kids look up.] "I'm the one with the key!"
Kevin: "Who cares about that stupid key?!"
Rolf: "Poacher!" [He grabs Kevin, and the battle begins anew.]
Edd: "Well Eddy, it seems your key did open one thing: the paranoia and hostility festering beneath the surface of our formerly calm cul-de-sac."
Eddy: [annoyed] "Do you ever turn off?"
Edd: "It's a curse, I'm afraid."
The Kankers: [appearing out of nowhere] "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Eddy: "Kankers."
Lee: "A neighborhood rumble and we weren't invited!"
[The kids scatter, knowing how dangerous the Kankers are.]
Lee: [tapping Eddy on the chest] "Hi, Eddy! Wanna fight?" [Eddy hides the key behind his back and giggles nervously.] "Hey! Whatcha got back there?"
Eddy: [backing up] "I have no idea what you're talking about." [He stuffs the key in Ed's mouth.] "Nothing, see?"
Marie: "Give him the lip-lock, Lee."
Eddy: "Take your best shot."
[The Eds run away. Ed, hindered by his load, is the slowest, and May tackles him. Jonny flies through the air.]
Ed: "Eddy!" [The still snoozing Jonny lands in Eddy's arms.]
Eddy: "Does this guy sleep through the whole show?"
Edd: "Look what they're doing to poor defenseless Ed!"
Eddy: "I knew him well."
[May and Marie are taking turns jumping on Ed's back. With each landing, Ed retches.]
Lee: "Cough it up, Ed." [A sink flies out of his mouth.] [flabbergasted] "This boy's got a big appetite."
[Lee lifts the sink, and the key falls out of the broken pipe.]
Marie: "It's a key, Lee!"
Eddy: "My key!" [Jonny yawns.] "Hey, Kankers! Trade ya!"
[Eddy flings Jonny at the Kankers.]
May: "Heads up!"
[Jonny hits Lee. The key flies out of Lee's hand and lands on the ground, where Eddy picks it up.]
Eddy: [running away] "I got the key!"
Lee: "Get this thing off me!"
May: [disgusted] "Look at the size of his head!"
Lee: "Move it, Marie!"
Marie: "Yeah yeah, quit flappin' your yap."
Lee: "Yuck!" [Marie pulls Jonny off Lee.]
Marie: "Gross!"
Lee: "Is it real?"


[The Eds run down the lane. Eddy squeezes under a fence. Ed lifts the same fence to let Edd through.]
Edd: "Thank you, Ed!"
[Ed drops the fence. He doesn't have the presence of mind to lift it again and go under, so he climbs over.]
Ed: "Not good not good!"
[Lee kicks a board out, and she and her sisters squeeze through the resulting gap.]
Eddy: "Open the door, Double D!"
Lee: [as she and her sisters approach] "This is my favorite part." [They laugh evilly.]
Edd: "It's locked!"
Eddy: "C'mon, willya?"
Edd: "It's locked, I tell you!"
Eddy: "Out of my way, you're doing it wrong!" [He strains against the locked door.]
Edd: "Ed, your door's locked! Get the door, Ed!"
Ed: "No problem, I have a key." [He reaches into his pocket and his hand comes out his pant leg.] "I think it fell out of this hole in my pants."
[Eddy stares at the key the Eds have been using the whole episode, dumbfounded.]
Eddy: [desperately trying to put the key in the keyhole] "Ed! You idiot! This is your key!"
Lee: [in Eddy's face, leering] "Have we got plans for you!"
[The Kanker Sisters laugh evilly.]


[The Eds are barefoot in Ed's basement. Their feet have been placed in stocks. A Kanker closes the stocks and padlocks them. All the while, the girls giggle.]
May: "You're such a slug, Marie."
[The Kanker sisters have taken off their shoes and socks as well.]
Lee: "You boys are in for the ride of your lives."
Ed: [staring at May's foot] "A naked foot."
Eddy: "I'm too young! And handsome!"
Lee: "Ready, girls?"
Edd: [frightened] "You wouldn't dare. Don't even think–! Have mercy! No!" [Marie presses her feet to Edd's and wiggles her toes on his. The other Kankers do the same to the other Eds.]
Edd and Eddy: "FOOTSIES! AAAAAHHHH!!!"
Ed: "Clammy."

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide
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