Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Rolf is about to have his picture 'taken' by the Eds in their photography scam, but his hair keeps sticking up]
Edd: "Let's pick a theme, shall we? Would you like to pose with a beach ball or this sumptuous lollipop?"
Rolf: "No sump, as Rolf prefers his churn that softs breads."
Eddy: "There, he picked! Now get out of the way, so I can take the picture."
Rolf: "May Rolf order one eight by ten glossy with many wallet size photos for his relation?" [His hair sticks up again.]
Eddy: "Whatever you want, Rolfie boy. I'll just put it on the bill."
Edd: "OK Rolf, look at me. Smile for the tawdry sock puppet. That's it, you can do it! Yes, you can! That a boy!"
[Rolf's hair sticks up when Eddy takes the picture]
Eddy: "Hahaha!" [goes to Ed in the 'processing unit'] "Is it finished yet?"
[Rolf and Edd are both waiting, when the bell rings.]
Edd: "Well, I'll just check on those prints, shall I?"
Ed: "I am done, guys!" [He shows Edd and Eddy his drawing, which includes a strange creature behind Rolf.]
Edd: "Um, Ed. What is that behind Rolf?"
Ed: "Rolf's head is about to be crunched by a four-legged mutant bus driver."
Eddy: "You're supposed to draw a picture of Rolf. No monsters, just Rolf, stupid."
Ed: "Oh yeah. Rub it out, rub it out, rub it out-"
[As he erases, Jimmy pushes Ed's drawing pad out of the way.]
Jimmy: "Where do you keep your hot water bottle?"
Eddy: "Hey Jimmy, take a hike!" [throws Jimmy out of the way] "Ed's busy."
Ed: "Under the sink, Jimmy!"
Rolf: [still sat down] "Hello? How long must Rolf wait for this portrait of self love?"
Edd: "Any time now." [to Eddy] "Rolf's becoming impatient, Eddy."
Jimmy [returns to Ed]: "How about the vaporizer, stretch?"
Ed: "Top shelf, shorty."
Eddy: "Hey! Go bug Sarah, you little pest!"
Jimmy: "For your information, crabby pants, Sarah is sick and I must take care of her."
Eddy: "We should all be so lucky."
Ed: "Sarah's sick? Wait!" [runs into the cardboard wall then on to his house] "Big brother's coming, baby sister!"
Eddy: "Ed, get back here!"
Edd: "Oh dear, I hope it's nothing serious. I best get my medical bag; one can never be too sure."
[Rolf is becoming really impatient when Eddy looks at his 'photo'.]
Eddy: "Uhhh... gee, Rolf, you got a face only a mother could love." [runs off]
Rolf: "ED BOYS!"

[Jimmy and Ed are in Sarah's bedroom trying to help her feel better]
Jimmy: "There there, little frail one; Jimmy will take care of you."
Ed: "Ed is here to make you all better, Sarah."
Sarah: [sniff] "I feel hot."
Jimmy: "Ah, let me sooth you."
Sarah: "Thank you, Jimmy."
Ed: [blows through his mouth onto Sarah] "Big brothers take care of baby sisters." [carries on blowing onto her]
Sarah: "My pillow needs fluffing."
Jimmy: "There you go, Sarah."
Ed: "No let, me, sickly sister!"
Sarah [relaxed]: "Ahhhh..."
Jimmy: "Am I a good fluffer, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Yes you are, Jimmy."
[Jimmy sticks his tongue out at Ed]
Eddy [stood in the doorway of Sarah's room]: "What a load of..."
Edd: [pushes past Eddy] "Pardon me, Eddy. Please step aside, everyone." [checks Sarah's pulse] "Well, your pulse is normal."
Eddy: "I bet it is."
Jimmy: "Sarah's got a fever, Mr. Smarty Pants."
Ed: "Yeah, Mr. I wish I was as Smart Pants."
Edd: [touches Sarah's forehead] "Your temperature seems normal as well."
Sarah: "Oh, what do you know?"
Edd: "A minor cold at best, I say."
Eddy: "Ha!"
Edd: "Gentlemen, I suggest we leave, as a cold at any rate can be quite contagious."
Sarah [shouting]: "Yeah! Get lost!"
Ed: [picks up Edd and Eddy] "I will show them the door, dear debilitated one."
Eddy: "Come on, Ed! What are you going to do? Wipe her nose all day?"
Sarah [off-screen]: "I need a tissue, Jimmy."
Ed: [drops Edd and Eddy] "Oh, I'll fix it for you, Sarah."
Jimmy: "Nice and soft for that cute little nose."
[Ed uses a vacuum cleaner to clean Sarah's nose.]
Eddy: "What a sap! We're wasting the whole day!"
Edd: "Ed's just fulfilling his duty as a caring brother, Eddy."
Eddy: "You're so understanding."
Edd: "Perhaps we could set up a paging system, that way Ed could be free to do your bidding and still be in contact with Sarah."
[Ed continues to use the vacuum cleaner.]
Eddy: "I like that!"

[Edd is setting up a paging system above Sarah's bed whilst she's asleep, but the bell accidentally rings, waking her up.]
Sarah [shouting]: "Double D!" [grabs Edd round the waist and picks him up] "What the heck are you doing?"
Edd: "Ahh, trying to help you."
Sarah: "Oh, OK Double D." [giggles]
Edd: "Being confined to one's room can be quite frustrating, so I found a way to ease Ed's, I mean your burden. Uh... just pull this handle and someone will assist you."
Sarah: "It's too high." [adjusts string on pager] "No it's too low. Too high! Little low." [Ed and Jimmy are watching but Jimmy keeps going in front of Ed, so Ed copies him.] "Nope, too high! Way too low. High! Low. High. High."
Edd: "Enough already! You may not be feeling well; I can sympathize with that, but I'm trying to-"
Sarah: [blows a raspberry at him] "Serves you right."
Edd [angry]: "Why, you-!"
Ed [grabbing Edd]: "No, Double D!"
Edd: [Ed picks him up and lifts him out of Sarah's room] "If I catch a cold...! I'll...I'll... Just give me five minutes with that germ spreading brat!"
[Sarah rings her bell.]
Ed: [drops Edd] "Coming, Sarah dear."
Jimmy: "Can I get you anything, Sarah?"
Ed: "Yeah, can I get you anything, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Would you guys be so kind as to LET ME FINISH SLEEPING?!!"
[Ed pushes Edd and Eddy out of his house, and carries Jimmy out, into the Cul-de-Sac]
Ed: "Sarah needs to rest because she is sick."
Eddy: "Ed, how can you be so stupid?"
Ed: [stops pushing them] "I watch cartoons, Eddy."
Eddy: "Yeah, well grow up; forget stupid Sarah. Follow me to your future, lumpy!" [the Eds and Jimmy go to Eddy's garage where he's about to unveil his next scam] "We blew up on the photo scam, so on to plan B: 'The Triple E Free Driving School'! Only it's not free, and we'll charge them. Double D, you're the instructor."
Edd: "Me? but I..."
Eddy: "Ed, you're the motor."
Ed: "I have achieved greatness!"
[Sarah's bell rings]
Jimmy: "It's Sarah!"
Ed: "I'll be back, guys!"
Edd: "My paging system seems effective, don't you think Eddy?"
Eddy: [passes Edd a pile of traffic cones, then starts to mock him] "'My paging system seems effective, don't you think Eddy?' How are we suppose to get any work done with Ed answering your stupid paging system?"
Ed: [returns with Jimmy] "Okey dokey! I'm ready, Eddy."
Eddy: "What took ya? I got students waiting!" [shows Nazz and Jonny waiting for their driving lessons]
Jonny: "Where's the obstacle course, Eddy? Plank's itching to tear up some pavement!"
Eddy: "Comin' right up, Jonny boy. Here we go!"
[Eddy grabs Jimmy and ties him up]
Jimmy: "Ahh! No, stop, that tickles, stop!"
Eddy: "We aim to please. Let Plank wrap his bumper around this obstacle."
Edd: [to himself] "Let's try to sound convincing now, shall we Double D? Let's see now." [turns around, closes his eyes] "Good day, pupil. Welcome to the Triple E Driving Course. My name is Eddward, and I'll be your instructor for the day." [He opens his eyes and is stunned to find Nazz already seated.]
Nazz: "Hi, Eddward. Ready when you are."
Edd [nervous]: "Well well, um...Shall we begin with...um...Well, first we must, uh, buckle our safety belts, uh... shall we?"
Nazz: "Not cool; they're stuck, Eddward. Can you give me a hand?" [turns to Edd]
Edd: Ohh, I suppose so." [attempts to fasten the seatbelt, basically two ends of a power cable, but is trembling so much that he's unable to manage it. Nazz manages to do it]
Nazz: "Like that?"
Edd: "Very good! Umm... once safe to do so, please proceed on to the course."
Nazz: "Awesome!"
Ed: [begins to push the car and makes car noises] "Vroom! Vroom!"
Edd: "Not too fast, now. Easy on the corners. That's it! Nicely done."
[Sarah's bell rings again and Jimmy manages to get untangled]
Jimmy: "I'm comin', girlfriend!"
Ed: [looks at where Jimmy was] "What a weasel! She's my sick sister!"
Edd: "Ed?"
Eddy [shouting]: "Hey! You're the motor, get back here!"
[Edd and Nazz continue traveling]
Edd [confused]: "Why aren't we stopping?"
Nazz: "Oops."
[the car starts spinning round]
Edd: "Go left! Go left! Brake! Brake!"
Nazz: "What brake?"
Edd: [to Eddy] "You forgot to put in a brake?!"
[the car continues to roll off-screen.]

[Meanwhile back at Ed's house, Jimmy runs through the door of Sarah's room with a plate of sandwiches. Ed also runs towards the door with a bowl but Jimmy shuts the door on him. The bowl smashes against the wall.]
Ed: "Uh oh!" [runs back downstairs]
Jimmy: [opens door and laughs then closes it and walks over to Sarah] "A three cheese grilled sandwich and, see, no crust!"
Ed: [knocks down door and comes in with a large fridge] "Take your pick, unwell baby sister of mine." [drops fridge on the floor, breaking the floor]
Jimmy: [stuffs a cheese sandwich into Sarah's mouth] "Don't listen to him, Sarah. Cheese is good for a cold; you know it's your favorite."
Ed: "She's my sister, and my sister likes fruit and vegetables! Isn't that right, baby sister?!?!"
[Ed and Jimmy help Sarah chew by moving her cheeks]
Jimmy: "Here, Sarah, let me help you chew."
Ed: "I will help her chew."
[Sarah mumbles with her mouth full of food]
Jimmy: "What's that? A book you say? I'll get you one."
Ed: "In the void of space, Zorba the two-headed mutant-"
Jimmy: "Silly little Jilly frolicked in the daisies."
Ed: "Spewing slime from its tentacles!"
Jimmy: "'I'm so silly', said Jilly."
Ed: "As Zorba sucked its brain!"
Jimmy: "I wish I were a potato so the prince would like me."
Ed: "He gagged on his bones!"
[Sarah rings her bell and Ed and Jimmy stop reading]
Sarah: "See the ball?"
Jimmy: "Yes, I do, Sarah."
Ed: "Yep, it's a ball."
Sarah: "Go get it!"
Jimmy: [jumps out the window] "Certainly, Sarah."
Ed: [also jumps out the window] "I'll get it, Sarah."

[In the Cul-de-Sac, Edd and Eddy are pulling the car from the driving school out of some bushes which Edd ended up in]
Eddy: "Of all the- that's two scams down the tube."
Edd: "You know what they say Eddy, three's the charm." [Sarah's ball bounces in front of them]
Jimmy [running after the ball]: "Mine, mine, mine!"
[Ed jumps into the broken car and runs off.]
Eddy: "That's it!" [runs towards Ed and gets him on the floor] "Ed, what's with ya?"
Ed: [tries pushing himself away with Eddy sat on top of him] "Sarah's sick, get ball, then Jimmy, I gotta-"
Eddy: "You gotta nothing!"
Ed: "I gotta nothing?"
Eddy: [pokes Ed] "You're the big brother, that means you're the boss. Get over there and show her what you're made of! Get mean!"
Ed: [stands up] "You're right, Eddy. I am the big brother, Sarah!" [stops] "Oh, I know!"
[Ed hikes his pants up all the way to his chest and goes in.]
Eddy: "Whoa, you're a tough guy, Ed."
Edd: "You've sent him into the lion's den; you know that, don't you?"
Ed: "Yep."

[At Ed's house, Jimmy has returned with the ball]
Sarah: [plays with the ball with Jimmy when Ed enters with his pants pulled up high] "Too late! Jimmy already got my ball."
[Ed throws the ball outside the window]
Eddy: "You work hard all your life, and what's it get cha?"
[the ball hits Edd]
Sarah [shouting]: "Ed! Go get my ball!"
Ed: "No ball! Get in bed! Rest now!"
Sarah: [nervously] "Please get my ball."
Jimmy: "Don't you fret, Sarah; I'll get it."
Ed: "Here, let me help you."
[Ed throws Jimmy out the window]
Eddy: "Pass the tape will ya, Double D?" [Jimmy lands on Edd]
Jimmy: "Ahhh! My head!"
[back inside]
Sarah: [in tears] "You threw my friend out, Ed! How could you do that?!? He was just trying to help!" [cries]
Ed: "Aww... I am sorry, baby sister. A big hug will make you feel all better. There, there." [Sarah smiles devilishly.]
[Sarah beats up Ed. It's not shown but you can tell from the outside of the house which is jumping up and down.]
Ed: "Get it off! Get it off!"
Edd: "It seems Sarah's made the road to recovery." [Edd sneezes on Eddy.]
Eddy: "Say it, don't spray it."
[Edd sneezes again.]
Eddy: "What's with you?"
Edd: "Ooh, I knew it. Curse you, common cold microorganisms! It's all part of the big plan, don't you see? They wait and strike when you're the most vulnerable." [sneezes again]
Jimmy: "Jeepers! You sound sick, Double D. You shouldn't be outside. You need some TLC." [He leads Edd away.]
Edd: "Don't just stand there, do something! Eddy!"
[looks at the damaged car and Ed's house]
Ed: "Pain! It hurts!"
Eddy: "I wonder what's on TV?"
Ed: "Have mercy depraved sibling!"

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide