Ed, Edd n Eddy

Ed: [holding a car door] "Va-room, vroom vroom, rrrrr. Va-room, vroom vroom beep beep! Reet! Beep beep! Reet! Va-room, beep beep, rrrrr. Reet! Delivery, mister?"
[Eddy is revealed to be staring at Ed]
Eddy: [having seen everything] "Did you eat breakfast this morning, Ed?" [taking a blender out of a box] "Here. Give it to Double D to put on the table."
Ed: "Service is my middle toe. Check, please."
Eddy: "Should've ate breakfast, Ed."
Edd: [with a toy duck] "Seems to be in fine condition. Ten cents, a fair asking price."
Eddy: "This cool helmet ought to bring in–"
Ed: [running by with the car door] "Va-room!"
Eddy: "Quit fooling around, Ed!"
Ed: [stopping] "It's for my table, Eddy." [he throws it on an overweighted table] "Car door, only five cents. Dad's canoe, twenty cents. Mom's dryer, fifteen cents." [He tosses the items on the table.] "No price will be refused at Honest Ed's!" [Ed picks up the table everything is balanced on.] "Table, five cents. Oops." [The pile starts to collapse.] "London bridge is falling!"
[The pile of goods falls on Ed. When Ed gets up, he has a vase and a bow in his mouth. He uses the bow to shoot the vase, which hits Eddy on the back of the head.]
Ed: [picking up a badminton racquet and shooting it with the bow] "Café au lait!"
Eddy: [dazed] "What day is it?"
Edd: "Why, it's garage sale day, Eddy! And I've just finished pricing my merchandise."
Eddy: [looking at prices] "Five cents for skates? Two cents for a stack of comics? What are ya? Up the ante, Double D! I'm charging fifty bucks for this baby." [He holds up the helmet.]
Edd: "Fifty dollars? Eddy, the thinking behind a garage sale is to recycle one's unwanted items at a fair and economical price!"
Eddy: "My stuff ain't 'economical'. They're deluxe, one-of-a-kind items."
Edd: [picking a picture up] "Your school photo? Eddy, please. This is hardly collectable."
Ed: "More junk!" [He grabs Eddy and puts him in the bow.]
Eddy: "No! Wait, Ed!"
[Ed draws back the string and fires. Eddy flies through the garage door onto the driveway.]
Sarah: "Coochie coochie coo!" [She taps him on the forehead with a rolling pin.]
Eddy: "Hey hey hey!"
Sarah: "You're right, Jimmy. He's still breathing." [Jimmy has a blender with him.]
Jimmy: "Too bad. Let's make some three-berry slushies, Sarah."
Eddy: [snatching the blender] "Gimme that! You gotta pay for it first, Jim-" [He gets hit with the blender by Sarah.]
Sarah: "He did, smarty-pants!"
Jimmy: "I got it at Kevin's garage sale for a nickel."
[Kevin is hosting a sale as well. A banner hung on his garage reads "Better than Eddy's Garage Sale."]
Edd: "Well, it seems Kevin's giving us some healthy competition, Eddy." [Eddy becomes boiling mad.]
Rolf: [haggling] "No more than one."
Kevin: "No less than four!"
Rolf: "Then one turnip and two carrots or I walk."
Kevin: "Throw in twenty bucks and it's yours."
Rolf: "This is good. But you are bad, as Rolf would have gone as high as five turnips. You are so weak."
Eddy: [amazed] "Kevin just scored twenty bucks."
Jonny: [selecting a fork] "How much is this, Kevin?"
Kevin: [eating a carrot] "Fifty cents, take it or leave it."
Jonny: "Okay." [He drops two quarters into Kevin's palm, Eddy looking on.]
Kevin: "Doesn't Plank want one too?"
Jonny: "How'd you know?"
Eddy: "How did he know?" [His friends shrug.]
Edd: "I'm not sure! Could be an instinct."
Ed: "I smell it, too." [Edd glares at him.]
Eddy: "He knows too much. Something's fishy."
Kevin: [counting his money and laughing] "See you at the candy store, Dork, Dorkk, and Dorky!"
[Ed comes up to Kevin, a question on his lips.]
Ed: "Uh, Kevin?"
Kevin: [grasping Ed's lips] "Sheepskin seat covers."
Ed: "Wow. He knew what I was gonna say!"
Eddy: "See? He's got inside information! He knows more than you, Double D!"
Edd: [angry] "Oh. Really? Shall we investigate?" [He exits to the right.]
Ed: "Double D's got a plan, Eddy!"
Eddy: "But that's my schtick."

[The Eds arrive at a keypad in Edd's toolshed.]
Edd: [punching in a code] "I've created a few top-secret devices in order to scrutinize Kevin's master plan." [A secret door opens, revealing a hidden closet.]
Eddy: "Cool."
Ed: "Whoa."
Edd: "Let's see now. Behold!" [He pulls out a broom.]
Eddy: "It's a mop. So what?"
Edd: "This covert household utensil contains a tiny radio transmitter and–"
Eddy: "Yawn."
Edd: "Well then, how 'bout…a bucket that holds a tape recorder hidden in the false bottom? See?"
Eddy: "Quit holding out, Double D." [He rummages through the closet.] "Where's the smokescreens, oil slicks, or laser watches?"
Edd: "Um I–"
Ed: "Um, Double D?" [holding a clothes hanger] "What's this do?"
Edd: "That's just a coathanger, Ed."
Ed: "Oh. Mum's the word."
Eddy: "Wait a minute." [pulling out what looks like a jawbreaker] "I found a jawbreaker!"
Edd: "Eddy, stop, no!" [He yanks the sphere away before Eddy can eat it, though Eddy breaks his teeth upon biting.] "It may look like a jawbreaker, but it's really a baking-powder vapor barrier for quick escapes! Why, just one lick–"
Ed: "Bananas!" [He has a jet pack.]
Eddy: "Wow! Gimme that! A jet pack!"
Edd: "Please, Eddy, I'm still testing it!"
Eddy: [starting it up] "Woohoo! Works fine, Double D!"
Edd: "Oh dear, Eddy–" [Eddy takes off.] "But we still need to pick code names, Eddy!"
Ed: [holding the coathanger's tip in his hand] "I am The Claw, and The Claw wishes to fly too!"
[Ed's claw grabs Eddy's shirt, yanking him off the pack. The jetpack flies through the door uncontrolled.]
Eddy: "Nice one, Ed."
Ed: "Thanks, Eddy!"
Edd: [downhearted] "All that hard work." [A buzzer sounds.] "It's the Kevin motion alert! We're receiving a transmission!"
Eddy: "What's he holding? Zoom! Zoom in, zoom in! Where'd you hide the camera?"
Ed: "Only the Claw knows."
[The camera is hidden in plain sight. It is on Kevin's lawn, pointed directly at his front door. As an extra precaution, Ed has taped a twig to the side of the camera to help disguise it.]
Kevin: "Huh? Dorks!" [He turns the camera off.]
Edd: "We've lost visual contact! We'll need to switch to field surveillance, Eddy. I'll explain on the way."
Ed: "The Claw is needed!"
Eddy: "Get going! You almost poked me in the head with that stupid thing."

[Kevin walks down the street, carrying a gift-wrapped box. He passes by Eddy, who is reading a newspaper. Soon after he passes, Eddy falls over, revealing himself as a cardboard standee. The real Eddy then peeks out from behind a lamppost.]
Eddy: [communicating via walkie-talkie] "Loudmouth to the Projector. Do you read me?"
Edd: "The Professor, Eddy! I'm the Professor?"
Eddy: "Whatever. Bigchin has made contact."
[Kevin now stands in someone's driveway and is talking to Rolf. Rolf is carrying a giant sausage as a present.]
Kevin: [laughs]
Rolf: "Ya, in one sitting!"
Kevin: "Oh ho, you're sick, man."
[Back to Edd.]
Edd: [communicating via his smartwatch] "Copy that, Loudmouth." [Kevin and Rolf continue, passing by a whistling Edd. They suddenly stop.]
Kevin: "Huh? I think Ed found his calling in life, huh Rolf?"
[Ed is in his underwear, pretending to be a birdbath.]
Rolf: "Ed-boy reminds me to water my yams."
Kevin: "Yams. Good one."
Rolf: "This is no joke."
Kevin: "You're killing me!"
[Kevin and Rolf arrive at a green house. Kevin rings the doorbell, and the door opens.]
Rolf: "Hello! Direct me to your music box!"
[Rolf and Kevin enter. Sarah sticks her head out and looks around surreptitiously before closing the door.]
Edd: "A code of some sort."
Eddy: "This is big!" [He and Edd dive out of sight, but he has to drag Ed by the ear.]

Edd: [looking through a periscope] "They appear to be some clandestine order bent on the exchange of classified intelligence."
Eddy: "Ah-ha! Say what?"
Edd: "It's a meeting of spies, Eddy!"
Ed: [fully clothed; pushing Edd aside] "Oh, let me, Double D! I love spies."
Eddy: [shoving Ed out of the way] "Get in line." [looking at the gathering] "Looks like Jimmy's the brains of the outfit. Ugh, Sarah." [He turns the periscope to view a bunch of the gift-wrapped packages stacked on a table.] "Oh yeah! It's the parcels! I bet they're loaded with…intelligence."
Edd: "Very good, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Heh heh, not bad, huh? Let's mingle and shut down this operation."
[While his back is turned, Ed replaces the periscope with his own body.]
Eddy: "Where'd they go? Who? What? Where? Huh?"
Ed: "You got sleepies in your eyes, Eddy."
Eddy: [stepping away from Ed] "Let's go, agents."

[The Claw is perched on a tree branch. He takes a grappling gun and shoots the hooks at the house. The hooks grab onto the chimney, leaving a rope behind them. The Claw takes his tongue and uses the rope like a zip-line. Shortly thereafter, an Ed-shaped indentation appears when the operative slams into the wall. The doorbell rings.]
Rolf: "Let Rolf get the door, pale Jimmy!" [He opens the door and Eddy tramps in, dressed in a suit.] "What?"
Eddy: "Nice little soirée, huh, Rolfy boy?"
Rolf: [a tone of mockery tinting his voice] "You have an invitation, overdressed Ed-boy?"
Eddy: [hissing in Rolf's ear] "The crow caws at midnight."
Rolf: "And the cat sours the basil. Rolf would love to talk politics, but I must see your invitation."
Eddy: "No problem, stretch. Look! Who's that hairy beast eating all the dip?"
Rolf: [straining his eyes] "Nana?" [Eddy disappears.]
Eddy: [notices Nazz] "Ha haha." [Sprays breath spray then approaches her.] "So Nazz, how long have you been a member of Kevin's inner circle? Aah!"
Edd: [disguised as Nazz] "Quiet, Eddy! I'm in disguise. I have reason to believe the refreshments are laced with a powerful truth serum. A quick analysis should verify this." [He pours the cup into a machine hidden in his pants.]
Eddy: [after Kevin walks past] "I'll follow Bigchin."
[The results pour out of Edd's pants, and Edd examines them. Meanwhile, Ed runs past with the jetpack.]

[The Claw starts up the jetpack. It warms up and coughs out a big glob of foam right down the back of the secret agent's pants. Ed then has to strain to move forward.]

[The party continues. Eddy comes up behind Edd, who is still disguised as Nazz, with a piece of cake.]
Eddy: "Hey Double D, I snagged this from Kev when he wasn't looking. Better analyze it."
[Eddy stuffs the cake down the seat of "Edd's" pants and is greeted with a girlish scream. It seems that the person he thought was Edd was really Nazz after all.]
Eddy: [nervous] "Heh heh. Hi-hiya, Nazz." [Nazz punches him in the face.]
Jimmy: "Oh Nazz! Your turn to hit the piñata." [Eddy is hiding behind the gift table now sporting a black eye.]
Kevin: "Go Nazz, go!"
Nazz: "Okay, guys."
[While the kids are absorbed in the party game, Edd and Eddy are absorbed in what the packages might contain.]
Eddy: "Now's our chance to check out these packages. Kevin thinks he's so smart."
Kevin: "Go Rolf, go!" [The stick hits him.] "Good one, Rolf. Lemme try." [He uses Rolf as a stick and hits the piñata.]
Rolf: "Party is fun, no?"

[Edd is using x-ray glasses to check out the packages.]
Edd: "This one appears to be another teddy bear, Eddy."
Eddy: "It's those x-ray glasses, they're busted."
Edd: "Eddy, think about it! Packages with ribbons, piñatas and funny hats? I think we've made a terrible mistake."
Jimmy: "Holy mackerel! Here goes! Do your stuff!"
Sarah: "Go Jimmy!" [The bat narrowly misses her. The pinata begins to crack.]
Jimmy: "My candy, my candy!" [He lifts the blindfold.] "Hot diggity dog!"
[Out of the pinata fall a few pieces of candy and Ed.]
Ed: [holding up handfuls of candy] "Look what I found!"
Sarah: "Ed!"
Ed: [getting in fighting position] "Do not taunt The Claw."
Sarah: [leaping on her brother] "Ed! You idiot, who said you could come?!"
Ed: "Presents!" [He rushes to the table and begins opening the gifts with his friends.] "What'd you get what'd you get?"
Sarah: "What are you doing?"
Eddy: [opening a box] "I think the question is, what are you doing with–" [he searches and finds what he wants] "–this?" [The apparatus is a sewing machine.]
Jimmy: "I'm so misunderstood. I wanted a pony!" [He rushes from the room in tears.]
Kevin: "There goes the birthday boy. You dorks wrecked another party!"
[The kids stand in a line before the Eds, prepared to wreak vengeance upon the hopeless dolts.]
Eddy: "Good one, Double D."
Edd: "Um…it's just a misunderstanding!"
Eddy: [grabbing the vapor barrier] "Good luck catching us, as we'll be invisible to the naked eye with this baking-powder vapor barrier! A shroud, one might say."
Rolf: "You said a mouthful."
Kevin: "It's poundin' time."
Eddy: "You'll never take us alive!" [He throws the vapor barrier to the floor, where it explodes.]

[The Eds are in a field of pure, stark white. It is like a snowstorm swept through the room.]
Edd: "Now do you see the importance of extensive testing?"
Ed: "Uh, where'd everybody go?"
Eddy: "Huh?" [They look around the room. It seems as though the kids have all disappeared.]
Edd: "Messy messy messy."
Eddy: "Big deal. Let's run away before they get back!"
Kevin: "Where were we?"
[All around the room, kids step away from the walls. They are all completely covered in white, and irate]
Eddy: [chuckling nervously] "Hi Kev."
[The kids begin to advance on the Eds.]
Ed: "Oh cool! This reminds me of the movie 'Zombies from the Deep Freeze: A Cash Cow.' This is the part where we'll be torn to pieces, stuffed into ice-cube trays and frozen and used to cool their drinks."
Edd: "Non-alcoholic, I hope."
[Jonny chuckles evilly as the kids advance to within touching range of the Eds.]

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide