Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Jimmy and Sarah are running through his house. Jimmy is pretending to be a dragon, while Sarah is a knight.]
Sarah: "Kiss your butt goodbye, dragon!"
[Jimmy trips. He gets up, fixes his costume, and resumes running.]
Jimmy: "Don't hurt me, brave knight!"
[Sarah chases Jimmy upstairs and into a closet, where he runs into a wall. The chase stops.]
Jimmy: "I'm okay!"
[The chase picks up again, but this time the dragon is chasing the knight.]
Jimmy: "Rarr! Rarr! Rarr! Rarr! Rarr!"
Sarah: "I got you now, dragon!"
[They run back and forth past a fishbowl with two big fish and lots of little ones. Jimmy stops and looks at it.]
Jimmy: "Look, Sarah! Fish and Chips have friends visiting!"
Sarah: "Holy cow, Jimmy, they look like babies!"
Jimmy: "Really? Babies?"
Sarah: "I think so, Jimmy."
Jimmy: "But where do babies come from, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Beats the heck out of me, Jimmy."
Kevin: [offscreen] "Blue! Forty-four!"
[Sarah and Jimmy look out their window. Kevin is decked out in football regalia.]
Kevin: "Blue! Forty-four! Hut! Hut! Hut!"
[Kevin takes off and slams into a tree. Apples fall onto the ground around it.]
Kevin: [removing his helmet] "Not too shabby, huh?"
Nazz: "Awesome! Thanks, dude!"
Kevin: [helping her pick up apples] "Yo, Nazz, making jam?"
Nazz: "If you say so."
Jimmy: "Nazz! Kevin!" [He and Sarah rush up, carrying the goldfish bowl.] "My fishies had babies!"
Nazz: "Oh, that's rad, Jimmy!"
Sarah: "Hey, you guys know where babies come from?"
[Nazz blushes and giggles. Kevin scratches his head in consternation.]
Kevin: "Babies, huh? Where do they come from? Uh...babies grow on trees. Like apples! [He bites the apple he is holding.] Go figure. Later!"
[Kevin walks away. Nazz, still giggling, follows him.]
Jonny: "He's got the tree part right!" [Jonny is hauling up a lobster trap.] "But the rest of it is a pile of malarkey! Plank and I know where babies come from! We saw last spring! Right, buddy?"
[He hefts the cage up. Plank is inside, pretending to be a lobster.]
Jonny: "C'mon!"
[Jonny runs on top of the fence. Jimmy and Sarah grin at each other and follow.]

[Jonny has built a giant fake nest. Jimmy and Sarah are inside, in egg costumes. Jonny climbs up.]
Jonny: "See, this is a nest! You need to build one! For the babies!"
Jimmy: "Ooh!"
Jonny: "Plank wants to be mama bird, and you guys are the eggs!" [He zips up the costumes.]
Jimmy: "I don't see any babies, Jonny."
Jonny: "Ssh. You have to wait for the warmth of mama bird to hatch you." [He puts Plank on top of the eggs.]
Sarah: "This is stupid."
Jimmy: "I'm getting a cramp, Sarah!"
Jonny: "Ding! Now you know! That's where babies come from!"
[Sarah bursts out of the egg and lets Jimmy out of his.]
Jonny: "Mama bird says it's time to feed the baby!"
[Obediently, Jimmy opens his mouth. Jonny drops in a worm.]
Jimmy: "I SWALLOWED A WIGGLY!" [He faints.]
[The branch breaks, and they fall into Rolf's backyard.]
Sarah: [grabbing Jonny] "That's it, you're pulp!" [She curb-stomps him.]
Rolf: "Stop! Have you gone crazy?" [He separates them.] "What is the meaning of this que sera sera?"
Sarah: "Fathead made Jimmy eat a worm!"
[Jonny grins, his mouth full of debris. Rolf drops them and goes over to the wreckage. From it, he pulls out Jimmy.]
Rolf: "Spare Rolf your sorrow. Is this accusation true, one-is-a-lonely-number Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "All we wanted to know was where babies came from, Rolf."
Rolf: "Hallo!" [He puts Jonny on a sheep.] "Slappy!" [He slaps the sheep.]
Jonny: "Whoa, Nelly!" [The sheep runs off, taking Jonny with it.]
Rolf: "Come! And Rolf will explain as Rolf was told."

[Rolf has set up in a traditional manner; a string of sausages stretches from a post to the listeners, and a fire blazes in front of them. Rolf puts on a hat and a false beard, and inserts a false pipe. He takes a deep breath.]
Rolf: "These words Rolf is about to share have been whispered down the bushy ears of Rolf's forefathers. Are you ready to accept the disclosure of newborn life?"
[Sarah and Jimmy nod. Rolf takes another breath.]
Rolf: "You are children. Go away. Thank you!"
[Rolf douses the fire and leaves.]
Jimmy: "Darn it! We'll never know, Sarah."
Sarah: "Somebody's gotta know, Jimmy."
[Suddenly, the turf rolls up like a rug and carries them away.]

[The grass rolls into the lane and spits them out into a box of ice cream and a bucket of ice. Eddy walks by.]
Eddy: "Brr! Got goosebumps? Well not anymore! Be the first on your block to get your very own, custom-built, sweat-inducing sweater!" [He gestures to Ed, who is wearing the product. Hissing] "Sell it, Ed."
Ed: [proceeds to pose] "Quack. Quack. Yeah."
Jimmy: "But Eddy, we just want–"
Eddy: "Two? No problemo. I'll get Grandma Double D right on it." [He gestures to Edd, who is dressed as a grandmother.]
Edd: "Knit one, purl two...oh curses, I missed a stitch!"
Eddy: "Get over it, you old coot! Our customers here want two sweaters, pronto!" [He giggles.]
Sarah: "We don't want your stupid sweaters, fishface! We wanna know where babies come from!"
Eddy: "Babies?"
Ed: "I got this one, Eddy." [Stumbling off the display, he runs into Eddy.] "Babies come from storks! They fly through the night, carrying bundles of joy in their beaks that–"
[Eddy grabs Ed's head and tears it off much to the horror of Sarah and Jimmy. He tosses it away. Ed's body follows it.]
Eddy: "That schlep don't know where babies come from!" [secretive] "But I do! It's a secret, you know. Yep, my brother told me."
Edd: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing. I would–" [Eddy kicks him away.]
Eddy: "Of course this kinda info ain't cheap. Fifty cents and I'll let you in on the ways of the world."
Jimmy: "Tell us Eddy! Tell us, please!"
Sarah: "You better be right."
[Eddy leads them away.]
Edd: [hanging from a clothesline] "Ed, Eddy's self-serving attempt to educate the children could bring irreversible harm to their youthful good-natured ways." [Ed screws his head back on.] "Perhaps a more sensitive explanation is in order." [Ed runs into a fence because his head is on backwards.]
Ed: "Head stayed on, Double D!"

[Eddy turns on a bare bulb in his otherwise darkened garage. Sarah and Jimmy squint.]
Eddy: "Ready?" [He gets no reply.] "Okay. Here it is." [He looks around warily.] "You know that lint you find in your belly button? Well if you don't clean it out, it grows! And when it gets big enough, it runs away behind the couch! It waits there, jiggling, and gets even bigger! Then, it grows into a baby, and at night they come out and feed on table scraps! That's why babies smell so bad."
Jimmy: [clutching his ears] "Stop, stop! I don't want to hear any more! Sarah!"
[Sarah looks at Eddy angrily. Suddenly, the lights snap on. Sarah turns to Edd, who is at the door wearing a bee costume.]
Edd: "Guh-reetings, children. I'm Buzzy Double B! I'm here to educate–um–you, to the truth of lifezz beginingzz! Care to follow me into my hive?"
[Edd uses a remote to open the garage door. In the driveway sits a gigantic replica of a bees' nest.]
Jimmy: "Look, Sarah, a bumblebee hive!"
Sarah: "This one looks like fun, Jimmy!" [They leave the garage for Edd's explanation.]
Eddy: "Hey, what's with you?!?"
[Edd closes the garage door on Eddy.]

[Edd is showing them slides of bees.]
Edd: "Catered to by industriouzz worker beezz, a queen honeybee is capable of laying zzeveral hundred larval sacs every minute." [He changes slides.]
Jimmy: [shuts his eyes and turns away] "Gross!"
Ed: "Cock-a-doodle doo!" [Ed, dressed as a stork, bursts through the hive's roof and crash-lands on Edd's projector.] "Captain Stork reporting for duty, kids!" [He marches to the center of the room.] "No rain, sleet, nor ingrown hairs keep me from delivering my babies!"
Eddy: [entering] "They're clueless! They don't know where babies come from!"
Ed: "Storks, Eddy."
Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy, but your explanation is just as misguided as Ed's."
Eddy: "Oh, and like you know where babies come from!"
Edd: "I most certainly do."
Eddy: "Do not!"
Edd: "Do too!"
Ed: "Storks, guys!"
[Eddy slams Ed's head against the floor. Edd looks at his stinger and decides to use it.]
Eddy: "Where's your babies now, Captain Stupid Stork!"
[Edd prods Eddy in the backside with his stinger. This causes Eddy to leap up in the air. He lands on a loose board, and the board acts as a teeter-totter, making Ed prod Eddy in the rear with his beak.]
Eddy: "Why you!"
[Eddy is about to attack Ed when Edd prods him again. The same reaction as happened before happens again. Eddy runs out of the tent. Seconds later he appears, wearing a helmet and a frying pan on his butt and carrying a broom.]
Eddy: "BANZAI!"
Edd: "Run, Ed!"
[Eddy chases them around the display, slamming his broom onto the floor behind them.]
Eddy: "C'mere, you!"
Ed: "Eddy's mad, Double D!"
Edd: "I'm well aware of that, Ed!"
Sarah: "Boring!"
[The Eds take no heed and continue to chase each other. Sarah hops down from her seat.]
Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy, let's make some mud pies." [She leads Jimmy out.]
Jimmy: "I love playing in the mud, Sarah!"
[The Eds fight until the tent collapses. Eddy pops his head out and sees Sarah and Jimmy leaving.]
Eddy: "Where's my fifty cents?" [Edd coughs and crawls out from under the tent.] "Oh, way to go, Sockhead. You scared em off with all your stupid science mumbo-jumbo." [He throws his helmet at Edd.]
Edd: "Ouch." [rubbing his head] "And your theory kept them entertained?"
Ed: [patting Edd] "There there, Double D, it is not your fault that you are so useless. If I may re-irritate: Babies come from storks."
[Edd stands up, frustrated with Ed's continuing belief in this theory.]
Edd: [exasperated] "Think, Ed. A child is far too heavy a load for a bird to carry!"
Ed: "Says you."
[To prove his point, Ed walks over to Eddy. He tilts Eddy's head forward and grabs the scruff of Eddy's neck with his teeth. He then flaps his wings while running forward.]
Eddy: "What? Hey, put me down, you lunkhead!"
[Ed takes off into the air. Edd watches, amazed, as Ed flies Eddy over to his chimney.]
Eddy: "Double D! Do something!"
Ed: [mouth full] "Babies are born as thus."
[Ed drops Eddy down the chimney. Eddy hits the ground and begins to cry.]
Ed: "See, Double D? Screaming like a baby! Boy, it sure does stink when I'm right."
[Edd, dazed, pulls up a chair and sits down, full of wonder.]
Edd: [wondrous] "Ed? How did you do that?"
Ed: "What, this Double D?"
[Ed flaps his wings and goes straight up for a second before falling and bouncing off the roof to land on the ground. He lies there, face in the grass.]
Ed: "Yep. The head's still on, Double D."
Eddy: [pained] "ED!"

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old, In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed?" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide