Home Cooked Eds/Script

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Script

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[Rolf is driving a very dirty tractor. He looks uncomfortable. He pulls into a driveway. The garage at the end reads "Ed's Service Station".]
Eddy: [hauling the door open] "Customer!" [His friends come running out to service the tractor.]
Rolf: [distressed] "Hello, Ed-boys. I must use your restroom!"
Eddy: "The restroom's for paying customers only, Rolfy. Your tractor could use some work."
Rolf: "Fine! Yes! Go!" [He hands over a quarter.]
Eddy: "Key's in the garage."
Edd: [as Rolf runs] "Is that coagulation of dirt and clay Rolf? Did you give him permission to go into my house? He'll track mud!"
Eddy: "Relax. He'll never make it inside."
Rolf: [the key is attached to a radiator] "May the fleas from your cow...inflame your rhubarb!"
Eddy: [starting the engine] "Let's bring her inside, boys!" [He shifts into gear, and the tractor reverses out.] "Not cool!"
Edd: "That's really something I'd expect from you, Ed."
[The tractor crashes.]
Ed: [dispirited] "It's really something I wanted to do, Double D."
[We look at the scene of the crash. The tractor has smashed into a house, crumpling part of both house and tractor, a tree is broken in half, and part of the fence has been destroyed.]
Eddy: [thrown clear and uninjured, holding the steering wheel] "Woohoo! Demolition derby, boys! Cool crash, huh Ed?"
Ed: "I've seen better, Eddy."
Eddy: [befuddled] "What?"
Ed: "Look. The tractor is still intact, you could have done a lot more with the tree, and you hardly wrecked Kevin's fence. And the steering wheel should be rammed over your head like so." [He demonstrates.]
Eddy: "Oh, excuse me! I'm such a hack. I'll be in my trailer." [He turns and walks into the side of a trailer.]
Ed: "Eddy got a trailer!"
Eddy: "What's this thing doing on my lawn?"
Edd: "Seems some misinformed out-of-towners lost their way."
Eddy: "Yeah? Well I'm sending it back!" [he tries to push it off his lawn] "Ed, gimme a hand!"
Ed: [holding up Edd's hand] "Found one!" [He snorts.]
Edd: "This joke is older than my Mesozoic fossil collection, Ed."
Ed: "Whoops, there it goes..." [A clang is heard.] "Yep. My brain stopped."
[A female giggling comes from somewhere.]
Eddy: "Did you hear that?" [The giggles come again.] "Kankers!"
Edd: "And we're in the open!"
Ed: [pushing his friends into the trailer] "Hide in here!"

---

[The Kankers toss the trailer door open like they own the place.]
Marie: [with a camcorder] "Wait'll the folks at home see this!"
May: [with shopping bags] "I'm a movie star!"
Lee: [shoving her sibling aside] "Move it May, I'm beat! Marie, get that camera out of my face–!!!"
[Lee places her hand over the camera's eye and looks around the room.]
Lee: "Hey, I thought this place should've been cleaned up by the time we got back. I'm calling the manager!"
May: "My feet are killing me!" [She pries her sandals off with a spatula.] "Aah...vacations sure are tiring. What's on TV?"
Marie: [grabbing the remote] "You always pick something stupid." [Lee then pushes Marie and May off the couch and grabs the remote.]
Lee: "Slide over! We're watching infomercials." [She turns the television on, and it is revealed that the Eds are hiding inside the set.]
Eddy: "Uh..." [rubs Ed's head on Edd's armpit] "...we use new Stench-Away deodorant. Keeps me dry and fresh."
Lee: "That junk wrecked my clothes."
Marie: "Gimme that thing!"
Lee: "Alright, alright." [Marie changes channels, and Edd imitates a siren.]
Eddy: [pretends to drive a police car] "Requesting backup! We're in hot pursuit."
Ed: "It's my turn to drive!" [takes the wheel] "Beep! Transfer, please."
[Ed leans forward, and the trio in the TV collapse.]
The Kankers: [looking at the exposed Eds] "It's our boyfriends!"
Lee: "We've been looking for you."
May: "Yeah, we need tour guides."
Eddy: "Forget tour guides, just get your stinking trailer off my lawn!"
The Kankers: "But we're on holidays!"
Eddy: "Uh-oh. Tourists."
Lee: "Sun."
May: "Sweat."
Marie: "And souvenirs!" [She empties stuff out of a paper bag. It looks like some of the things in Edd's room.]
Edd: "Why, these souvenirs look suspiciously familiar." [freaking out] "GAH! GIRLS WERE IN MY ROOM, EDDY!"
May: [scratching her back with Plank] "These locals sure know how to make backscratchers!"
[May happily scratches her back with Plank while Jonny looks in a window angrily.]
Eddy: "Why don't you Kankers get lost!"
Ed: "And forget about any lovey-dovey stuff!"
The Kankers: "Lovey-dovey!"
Eddy: "Ed, you dolt!"
[The Eds bolt from the trailer.]
Eddy: "Run away!"
Ed: [looking at May's kissy-face] "Flounder!" [He slams the door and follows his friends. Jonny looks on.]

---

Eddy: [barricading a door] "C'mon, Ed, hurry it up!"
Ed: "Stool for blocking." [He hands it over. Edd, meanwhile, is exhaustively pushing the TV stand to the door.]
Eddy: "C'mon, c'mon!"
Ed: "Couch for blocking." [He takes a couch the Kankers are sitting on.]
May: "What's this supposed to be?"
Lee: "I'll check the tour guide." [reading] "Some kind of dance, I think."
Edd: [seeing the girls] "Ed-d-dee-dee-dee?" [He points.]
Eddy: "This ain't the time for birdcalls, Double D." [Edd continues to point.]
Ed: "A cup for blocking."
Eddy: "Double D thinks he's a bird. I hate birds!"
Ed: [seeing them as well] "KA-KA...!"
Lee: [putting down the guide] "And that was the call of the yellow-bellied boyfriend."
Eddy: "How'd they get in my house?"
Marie: "Time for a close-up, holiday boyfriend!" [She plunges a hat over Edd so it looks like he's wearing a skirt.] "He's so cute." [She begins filming.] "How about a little hula-hula?"
Edd: [in agony] "This isn't happening!" [He fights to get the hat off.] "AAAH!"
Lee: "Hey Marie, get me with Eddy!" [Lee pulls Eddy to her.] "Hello? Marie, film me!"
Marie: "Film what, you just standing there?"
Lee: "I was gonna hang Eddy from our rearview mirror like a troll!"
Marie: "Big whoop."
May: "Lee! Marie! Quit your fighting, we're supposed to be having fun! Holidays, remember?"
Marie: "Yeah, you're right May." [Marie bounds up to hug May.]
Lee: "Yeah, we're family. Group photo!"
Marie: "Here, Double D, take it!" [shoving the still rolling camera at him] "And make it good."
May: "Over by the pool, girls!"
[The Kankers get into Eddy's aquarium.]
Lee: "Hi Mom!"
Eddy: "Get away from my fish tank!"
Edd: "Um Eddy, please, I'm trying to get a good shot." [He beckons for Eddy to move away.]
Eddy: "A good shot? Double D, that's something I'd expect from Ed!"
Ed: "That again is something I really wanted to do."
Eddy: "Ed, do this! Get rid of–my fish?" [The sisters have vacated the tank, as well as most of the fish. One fish is left, only skeletal.]
Ed: "Should I put them in a plastic bag?"
Eddy: "Did you see where they went?"
Edd: "I was enraptured with Ed's whining."
Ed: "Is it so wrong to be liked?"
[Eddy tears down the hall to the doorway of his room, where he comes upon the horrific sight of the Kankers ransacking the place and destroying his personal belongings.]
Eddy: "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"
Lee: "Who's gonna make us?"
Marie: "Hey, are these real leopard-skin undies?"
Edd: "That's quite a statement, Eddy."
Eddy: [tugging at his collar] "They're my brother's. What?"
Marie: "Says Eddy on the tag."
Eddy: "That's it, get out of my room!" [He leaps at Marie.]
Edd: "I feel as though we should help Eddy, Ed."
Ed: "Yes, we should."
[The sound of Eddy being pummeled is heard offscreen.]
Lee: "Get him to put 'em on, Marie."
Marie: "I can't, he won't let go!"
Eddy: [dazed but holding on] "Give 'em up Marie, you don't have a chance."
[Marie wraps him up in the undies.]
Marie: "How's this?"
Lee: "Hubba hubba!"
[Marie lets go of the briefs. The resulting release of energy leads to Eddy spinning around terribly fast.]
May: "Hi, Eddy!" [Marie yanks him off] "Bye, Eddy!"
Edd: [clutching at Eddy] "Eddy, I fear they're becoming amorous!"
Eddy: "What's that mean?"
[Edd whispers something into Eddy's ear, and shortly thereafter the Eds vacate the house screaming.]
Eddy: [scared] "Last one out's a rotten egg!"
Lee: "Later boys! You'll have to come home sometime!"

---

[The sounds of construction come from Eddy's house. Suddenly, a wave of water knocks down Eddy's front door along with the Kankers, now in swimsuits and using a table for a surfboard.]
Lee: "Ya-hoo-ooo-ooo!"
Marie: "This waterpark idea stinks!"
May: "It's not my fault the water pressure's low."
Lee: "Everything's your fault, May."
Eddy: [watching from a fence with the other two] "They're wrecking my house!"
Ed: "Amateurs, Eddy, don't make me laugh."
Kevin: "Why are you dorks on my lawn?"
Eddy: "We heard your grass was greener, so–"
Lee: "Hey Ed! Here's our unmentionables." [dropping a bag to them] "Press 'em, fold 'em, and don't skimp on the starch!"
Rolf: "Hallo."
Kevin: "Having some girl problems, are we?" [He and Rolf collapse into laughter.]
Eddy: "What? So? They're on holiday! What?"
Kevin: "A romantic getaway, huh?"
Rolf: "A coochie-coochie cruise?"
Kevin: "I guess these dweebs'll be holding hands all summer."
Rolf: [to a sour-faced Jonny] "Prune-face Jonny, do you hear this?"
Jonny: [angry] "Don't touch me." [He stomps away. Rolf and Kevin then resume laughing.]
Kevin: "C'mon Rolf. I'm getting a stitch."
Rolf: "Bye-bye." [They exit.]
Edd: "He's right, Eddy. This weather ensures them a lonnng vacation."
Eddy: [with a plan] "Weather, huh? Summer's about to call it a day, boys."

---

[The sun is beating down on the Kankers. The girls have taken various pieces of furniture from Eddy's house and place them on the lawn. They are lounging there, under a flag of Eddy's underwear.]
May: "Hey Marie, can you flip me over? I'm getting crispy." [no reply] "Marie, flip me over! I'm getting crispy!" [no response while Lee gets annoyed] "MARIE!"
Lee: "Shut up, May." [She flips May's table over]
May: "Whoa!"
Marie: [Lee jumps on her] "Ugh!"
Lee: "Don't you hear your sister talkin to ya?"
Marie: "Nope! Must be this vacation air, I guess." [She plucks a hair from Lee's armpit.]
Lee: "Ow!"
Marie: [laughing] "Sucker!" [Lee begins to chase her.]
Lee: [growls] "Get back here!" [Lee and Marie run straight into a surprise rainstorm.]
Marie: "Uh oh."
Lee and Marie: "It's raining!" [They run back to the trailer.]
May: "Rain?"
[Lee and Marie grab May and use her hair like an umbrella.]
Lee: "Does my hair look okay?"
Edd: [creating the rain with a hose and colander] "Summer rains, you can never predict them. Commence thunder, Eddy!" [Eddy complies, and the sounds of a kitchen pan hitting a garbage can are heard.]
May: [clutching her sisters close] "It's a typhoon!" [zips her hair shut and the Kankers fall over to the ground]
Lee: "So what? We're not gonna let a little typhoon ruin our vacation, are we?"
[Winds suddenly blast the sisters. Marie is blown into the trailer door, and May has to hang on to Lee.]
Lee: "Hang on, May!" [She loses her grip, and May hits the door and Marie.]
[We then get to see what's causing the winds: it is a giant fan.]
Ed: [picking up a bush] "I got the debris, Eddy! I wanted to do this." [tossing it in front of the fan] "Alley-oop!"
Lee: "I can't see!"
[The bush hits her, sending her into her sisters. The combined weight of the Kankers and the bush pushes their trailer door open, sending them inside. A tree then pushes its way into the trailer.]
Jimmy: [riding his trike in the typhoon] "My thighs! They're burning!"
Eddy: "Woohoo! Nice ad lib, Ed! Now get 'em off my lawn!"
Ed: "Okey-dokey, Smokey!" [he switches the fan off] "That rhymed."
Edd: "I must say this worked out quite well."
Ed: [picking up the trailer] "Cheerio, Kanker Sisterio!"
Lee: "Now what?" [Ed flings the trailer away.]
Ed: "Don't even think about it, think about it!"
Edd: "Please, Ed, no more rhymes."

---

[The trailer goes away from the Eds at a high speed. It travels down a hill, along the way taking out some fences and a tree. At the end of the trip it runs into an elastic band stretched between two poles and stops.]
Marie: [looking out the window] "Look, there's that weird kid."
May: "Yeah, that's that–I forget his name."
Lee: [Plank stuck in her hair] "What's he up to?" [Jonny pulls the band back and puts it on a mailbox's flag.] "What the heck's he doing?"
May: "Who cares? He's a–" [a banging comes from the roof of the trailer] "Huh?"
[Jonny rips a panel off the roof and dives into the trailer.]
Jonny: "I'm coming, Plank!"
[A fray is heard in the trailer. At the end of it, Jonny leaps out of the aforementioned hole, Plank in hand.]
Jonny: [above a sea of groping Kanker hands] "Run, Plank!"
May: "Gimme back my backscratcher!"
Jonny: "Scratch this!"
[Jonny kicks the flag over. This releases the elastic band, which sends the sisters' trailer skyrocketing through the air and back up the hill.]

---

Eddy: [spraying germ-away on a chair] "Filthy filthy filthy."
Ed: "That's something I'd expect from Double D, Eddy."
Eddy: "Don't remind me." [He slumps in the clean chair, relaxed.] "Aah."
Edd: [hearing the faint sounds of the approaching trailer] "Do you hear something?"
Eddy: "Oh, man..."
[The trailer lands on the Eds and bounces onto the fence that separates Kevin and Eddy's yards.]
Kevin: "What's a trailer doing on my–TRAILER?!?" [He runs over and tries to push it onto Eddy's lawn.] "Stay off my lawn!"
[Ed bursts through the fence, revealing that Edd and Eddy are trying to push the trailer onto Kevin's side.]
Ed: "Kevin! There's a–oh. I guess you already know."
Marie: [sliding to one side of the trailer] "Now this is what I call a vacation."
Lee: [as the trailer shifts to the other side] "Just like the cruise Mom took."
May: "I don't feel so good."
Eddy: "They're yours!"
Kevin: "No way, yours!"
Eddy: "Ed, help!"
Ed: "One plus one equals one on a bun."
Edd and Eddy: "ED!!!"