High Heeled Ed/Script

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Script

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[The camera pans through a sewer.]
Eddy: "Gruesome, tasteless, hideous and repulsive! Pure genius!"
Edd: [in protective gear] "How you ever talked me into this is beyond me. We're in a sewer, Eddy! An incubator for every parasite known to humans!"
Eddy: "It writes itself, Double D! We're gonna be rich! Filthy rich, I tell ya."
[A trail of bubble is seen in front of the boat. Something rises from the muck.]
Edd: "Look out behind you!"
Eddy: "That's the oldest trick in the book, Double D. Sheesh, get real." [The tentacle behind him gloms on to his head and picks him up.] "Aah! Let me go! Let me go!"
Edd: "Don't fight it, Eddy! Try to–" [A wave sprays all over him.]
Eddy: "Ed, stop! Save it for the customers!" [The Ed in question pops his head out of a suction cup.]
Ed: "I am an Edapus, 'cause I'm Ed."
Eddy: "You're gonna be Ed-a-dead after I get–"
Nazz: [offscreen] "Swamp Ride?"
Sarah: [offscreen, disgusted] "Oh, brother!"
Eddy: "Customers."
[In the lane, Sarah, Nazz, and Jimmy are walking.]
Sarah: "Who wants to ride a swamp?"
Nazz: "I think I'll pass."
Jimmy: "Why can't the Eds think of something nice to ride, like a dolphin?" [He falls through the open manhole.]
Nazz: "Boys will be boys." [She and Sarah walk on, oblivious to Jimmy's predicament.]
Jimmy: [landing in sludge] "Sarah?" [He turns around to face the masked Edd.] "Gym teacher!" [He faints.]
Ed: "I am Edapuss, because I am a–"
Eddy: [pushing Ed away] "Hang on, he hasn't paid yet. Numskull." [to Jimmy] "Welcome to Ed's Swamp Ride. That'll be twenty-five cents."
Jimmy: "Sarah!"
Sarah: [returning to the manhole] "Jimmy! What happened?"
Jimmy: "I fell on my tushy, Sarah!"
Sarah: "Don't move! I'll save you!"
[Sarah pulls out a modified fishing pole and casts it in. She catches Jimmy and hauls him out.]
Sarah: "Pee-yew, Jimmy, you stink!"
Nazz: [covering her nostrils] "That's putting it mildly."
Eddy: [from the sewer] "Hey! Why don't you let the guy have some fun, huh?"
Sarah: "You're in a sewer, idiot. It's dirty, and stinky–"
Eddy: "It's called ambiance! It's a swamp ride, get it? What do you girls know about–" [A sign is thrown down at him.] "No skin off my nose, Sarah. I'm sure Kevin, Rolf, even Jonny will–"
Sarah: "They went go-karting!"
Eddy: [popping out of the hole] "Go-karting?"
Sarah: "And they won't be back till supper. Bye bye!" [She throws the manhole cover back on the manhole. As a result, Eddy is hit by the cover and plummets back down into the sludge.]
Ed: "I think Sarah likes you, Eddy."
Eddy: "Great. We're stuck here with two girls and a Jimmy. This calls for a change of plans, Double D. We need to find our more sensitive side." [He tickles Edd.]
Ed: "I found my sensitive side, 'cause it has a rash."
Eddy: "Oh!"
Edd: [disgusted] "Thank you for sharing that with us, Ed."
Eddy: "Now, what do girls like?"
Ed: "Sarah likes to watch me eat yogurt from my belly button. Heh heh heh!"
[Eddy and Edd give him disgusted looks.]
Edd: [after a long pause] "Ahem. Before Ed fills my head with any more disturbing images, I suggest a study. An observation of girls in their habitats."
Eddy: "Study? I follow my guts, Double D."
Ed: "I smell waffles, guys."
Eddy: "Shut up, Ed." [He pulls Ed out of the sewer.]

---

Jimmy: [at the top of a slide] "Won't I stick to it and chafe my thighs again, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Don't be silly, silly! On your mark, get set,"
Jimmy: [sliding down] "Whee!"
Sarah: "Last one to the swings is an Ed!"
[They run to the swing-set, laughing. Edd, who has hidden himself on the slide's underside with magnets, makes some notes.]
Nazz: "Check this out, Sarah!" [She jumps on a rope swing and does a gymnastic flip, landing in a pile of leaves.] "Awesome!"
Sarah: [jumping into the pile from the other direction] "Whee! Gee, Nazz, that was rad! Did it hurt?"
Nazz: "Not when you land softly, Sarah!"
Sarah: "Can I try?"
Nazz: "Uh, sorta dangerous. Start slow. Try the spinning wheel."
Sarah: "Okay, girlfriend!"
[After they leave, Ed and Eddy stick their heads out of the leaf pile.]
Eddy: "Soft? She practically broke my back!"
[Sarah starts on the merry-go round. Eddy watches from a hollow tree. Suddenly, the wheel lifts up to reveal Ed is working as the axle.]
Eddy: "Oh, oh! Discovery! Discovery!"
Edd: [from a bush beside Eddy] "What is it?"
[They both look at Ed.]
Eddy: "Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks?"
Edd: [signaling] "Get down, get down!"
[Ed heeds Edd's signals and dives. The merry-go-round, no longer supported by anything, falls into the dirt and grinds down a few feet. Sarah, still holding on, is shoved into the dirt by it.]
Sarah: [dazed and confused] "Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Jumping jackrabbits, look at those stubborn grass stains!" [Edd makes some notes.] "Better use some club soda on those clothes. It's the only way to get them clean. Hurry and meet me in the daisies, Sarah!"
[Jimmy is running through a field of flowers, where the Eds are disguised as flowers.]
Jimmy: "Whee! The fragrance of flowers is so sweet!" [spotting some new flowers] "Hello, you new in town? May I smell you? Why thank you."
[Jimmy grabs the three new flowers. These flowers are really Eddy's hair. The scent of Eddy makes Jimmy start to gag.]
Jimmy: "Yuck! You smell like cheap shampoo! I'm tearing!" [He runs away.]
Edd: "Gentlemen, and I use that term lightly, I think I've compiled enough data for us to proceed. According to my observations, girls are prone to 1: soft, as in Nazz; 2: clean, reference Sarah, and 3: fresh fragrance, a la Jimmy."
Eddy: "That's stupid! We're right back where we started–" [an idea hits] "Bingo!" [The lightbulb goes out and Eddy flicks it on again.] "It's the pants!"
Edd: [surprised] "Pants, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Chicks dig pants! Nazz wears pants, Sarah wears pants,–"
Edd: "You wear pants!"
Eddy: [proudly] "I wear pants."
[Edd giggles and Eddy realizes that by his reasoning, he is a girl.]
Edd: "Pay attention, Eddy! Soft, clean, and fresh it is!" [He walks off.]
Eddy: [following] "I hate it when he does that."
Ed: "Quack."

---

[Eddy looks out of a bush in the lane. Nazz rides a bike past, and Sarah and Jimmy follow.]
Sarah: "Hurry, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "When are we going to push back our cuticles, Sarah?"
Eddy: [leaping out of the bush] "Hey! Hold up! For the first time, specially designed for you tender types, and priced to delight, our Snuggle-Me-Ed!" [He pulls a fuzz-covered Ed from the bush.] "He's soft, clean, and fresh."
Sarah: "So what?"
Nazz: "Is that dryer lint all over him?"
Eddy: "Double D, wouldn't you pay twenty-five cents to hug the neck?"
Ed: [scared] "Bug?!? GET IT OFF GET IT OFF! AAAAAAHHH!!!"
[Ed runs through part of the fence. This part was holding up another, longer part, which collapses on Edd, Eddy, Sarah, Jimmy, and Nazz.]
Jimmy: "Oh, no." [the fence falls] "Ow." [Edd and Eddy get free. A dazed Nazz walks off, chuckling.]
Eddy: "Don't think she went for it."
[Sarah lifts up a board and climbs out.]
Sarah: "ED, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT! I'M TELLING ON–" [she fondles her earlobe] "Oh no. My earring! I lost my earring!"
Edd: "I feel so guilty."
Sarah: [crying] "I LOVED MY EARRING!!!"
Jimmy: [climbing out] "Sarah, look, I'm trendy!" [Jimmy has a nose ring.] "Fashion can be so painful."
Sarah: "My earring! Gimme it!" [She rips the earring from Jimmy's nose.] "Thank you, Jimmy! Thank you thank you thank you!"
Eddy: [having an epiphany] "Did you see that? All those emotions over stupid jewelry? Double D! It's a gold mine!"

---

[Sarah is playing tennis. Eddy pushes Ed and Edd out from behind a tree. Ed and Edd have with them a serving cart.]
Eddy: "Go on!"
Edd: [scared] "Retreat."
Eddy: [pushing them out again] "What's the big deal? They're just girls." [The ball hits him in the mouth.]
Sarah: "Hey hey hey! Get lost!" [to a prone Eddy] "No guys allowed!"
Eddy: "If you weren't Ed's sister, I'd–!" [Edd clamps a hand over Eddy's mouth.]
Edd: "What Eddy's trying to say is, we're having a jewelry sale and–"
Sarah: "Jewelry?"
Nazz: "A sale!"
Jimmy: "Baubles and bangles!"
Ed: [wheeling the cart forward] "Imported by an armored truck from the house of European wieners."
Eddy: "Behold!"
Ed: "Behold."
[Ed rips the cloth cover off. The girls and Jimmy's faces are lit by the glimmering jewelry.]
Nazz: "Look at all that gold!" [The jewelry is golden kitchen utensils.]
Sarah: "They're so shiny!"
Jimmy: "Lemme see, lemme see!"
Nazz: "Eddy. I'm looking for something a little different, only still the same so it matches, without it being too similar."
Eddy: "We'll just check our vault. Officer Ed!" [He shoves Ed through the fence.]
Ed: "A spatula!" [He dips it in a can of gold paint.] "Jewelry for Nazz."
Jimmy: [hunting through the jewelry, pulling out a slinky] "This looks interesting."
Edd: "Yes, well, you obviously have an eye for, ahem, creativity."
Nazz: [receiving the spatula] "Thanks, Ed."
Ed: "She went for it, Eddy."
Jimmy: [now dissatisfied] "That's gaudy."
Eddy: [grabbing it] "Gaudy, nothing. You must have suffered a brain lag, as this is one of our more popular–" [unsure what to say] "–neck-doohickey things."
Sarah: "Can I try it on?"
Eddy: "Why, certainly, miss. Allow me." [He pulls out a mirror.]
[Sarah puts on the jewelry, and it makes her neck stretch out like a giraffe. She ends up with her neck bent double and stretching ten feet into the air.]
Sarah: "How do I look?"
Eddy: "Like a million bucks. Will that be cash, or cash?"
Sarah: "I don't like it!"
Edd: "They hate our merchandise, Eddy!"
Ed: "Give 'em what they want! Can openers." [running to paint the opener] "My mom loves can openers." [He looks back at his friends, confused.] "Are moms girls?"
Eddy: "Not sure."
Edd: "Well, technically..."
Eddy: "Beats me."
Ed: [putting the opener in the paint] "Boy, that's pretty."
[The can opener digs through the bottom of the can, and the contents empty out all over Ed's pants.]
Ed: "Huh? Oops."
Eddy: [talking business] "This ain't a library. Buy or get lost."
Ed: [calling] "Eddy!"
Eddy: "Pardon us for a moment." [He drags Edd to Ed.]
Ed: [in the lane with them] "Guys, I spilled paint all over my good pants." [He does indeed have gold pants on.]
Eddy: "Oh great. We're hooped."
Nazz: [spotting the pants] "Awesome pants!"
Jimmy: "Are they for sale?"
Eddy: "Uh..."
Jimmy: "I must have them!"
Sarah: "Gimme 'em, they're mine!"
Nazz: "I saw them first!"
[Eddy watches in greed and Edd watches in horror.]
Eddy: "Get ready to retire, Double D." [grabbing the pants] "Cashier's this way, ladies!"
[Sarah, Jimmy, and Nazz follow him.]
Sarah: "Hey!"
Nazz: "Aw, come on, Eddy."
Jimmy: "Do you have a layaway plan?"
Eddy: "Feast your eyes on these golden pantaloons! Any offers?"
Nazz: [seductively] "Eddy, it would be so sweet to get those as a gift."
Eddy: [incoherent] "Well uh you knuh i mag a play egg yeah nis madnam."
Edd: "Try syllables in sentences, Eddy."
Sarah: [going after Edd] "Double D? You can get me those pants, can'tcha?" [She backs him up to Eddy.]
Edd: [incoherent] "Well iz a wiall a mis..."
Nazz: "Eddy?"
Sarah: "Double D?"
Jimmy: "Five dollars!" [Sarah and Nazz jump back, surprised.] "For the golden pants."
Eddy: [greed overtaking his lust] "Sold!"
Edd: "Phew!"
Jimmy: [giddy] "Pinch me I'm dreaming! Whee!" [in the pants] "I feel just like Elvis Presley. Jealous?" [The paint develops cracks.] "Oh no! When will the torment end?"
[Jimmy falls, and the paint on the pants shatters into tiny pieces. Jimmy is wearing Ed's pants.]
Nazz: "That wasn't gold, fakers!"
Sarah: "You gypped us!"
Edd: "Exposed."
Eddy: "Busted."
Ed: "Nope. Can't think of a word."
[Nazz snatches the $5 bill from Eddy.]
Jimmy: [a bag over his head] "The shame!"
Nazz: "Here's your money, Jimmy." [Jimmy removes the bag. To the Eds] "Grow up."
Sarah: "Wait till you get home, Ed."
Jimmy: "Charlatans."
[The Eds are left alone in the lane.]
Ed: "Spending an extended time in female company can be mentally disorientating and physically confusing."
Eddy: "What's up with you?"
Edd: "Ed's trouserless state seems to have jarred an intellectual moment within the confines of his brain."
Eddy: "Ed? Is that you?"
Ed: [back to normal] "Hug me!"
Eddy: "Well, that didn't last long."
Ed: "Hug!" [He squeezes Eddy.]
Eddy: "Ed!" [He wriggles out of Ed's grip and climbs over the fence.]
Ed: [holding his arms wide] "Double D my friend!"
Edd: "Please, Ed? Ed, no wait! Eddy!"
[Edd climbs the fence as well. Ed runs right through it and hugs his friends.]
Ed: "Hug, guys!"
Edd: "Ed you're in your underwear!"
Ed: "Okay, I feel loved now."