Hands Across Ed/Script

General

Script

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Jimmy: "Sarah!"
[Jimmy is being dragged across the yard, as if something is tugging on his retainer.]
Jimmy: "Aah!" [He hits a fence and is out like a light.] "What rotten luck."
Rolf: [staring at the searching brace] "Please tell Rolf his eyes do not lie. Hello?"
Kevin: "What?" [Slowly, a wrench forces itself out of his pocket and falls straight up.] "Hey!"
[The wrench is followed, in short order, by a bike pump and a radio.]
Rolf: "It is the curse of the sirens in the hungry tree!"
[Actually, it is the curse of the greedy Eds in a tree with a giant magnet.]
Eddy: "Where's the cash?"
Edd: "Strange, my electromagnet seems to be averse to certain metal alloys."
Ed: "Let's get funky!" [He turns the radio on.]
Eddy: "They'll hear us!"
Edd: "Ed, please, not now!" [He and Eddy furiously try to find a way to turn the radio off. They succeed, but the boombox chokes on the tape.]
Rolf: "The sirens call upon us!" [His gold horseshoe necklace levitates.] "We must do the belly bump, as it is the only way to please the tree!"
[Suddenly, Kevin's radio falls on Kevin's head, knocking him out.]
Rolf: "I am Rolf, son of a shepherd."
Ed: [playing with the cassette film] "I can tie my shoes, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Looks like the knot in your head, Ed."
[Ed sticks his shoe out to show Eddy and kicks his friend off the tree. The magnet descends, hitting Rolf. Rolf is then hit by Eddy, Ed, and finally Edd.]
Rolf: [confused] "Ed-boys?"
Kevin: "Let's pound 'em, Rolf!"
Rolf: "Rolf is not amused, you...how you say...ducks?"
Kevin: "Dorks!"
Rolf: "Yes! That is what I said."
Kevin: "Nah, you said–"
Rolf: "Ducks! See, ducks!"
Eddy: [nervous] "Uh, Rolf! Kevin! Hate to interrupt, so–" [He and his friends run away.]
Kevin: "Get back here."

---

[The Eds run into the junkyard.]
Eddy: "Quick! Scatter!" [The Eds split up.]
Kevin: " A knuckle sandwich, eh Rolf?"
Rolf: "No thank you, I am not hungry."
Edd: [by a giant tire] "Oh dear. I deplore physical altercations. Hide, I must–" [Eddy's hands take him by the ankles. Eddy hauls Edd into the tire, where they hide.]
Rolf: "I think I saw the ducks run here!"
Kevin: [stopping by the tire] "Dorks Rolf, dorks."
Rolf: "Dorks do not quack, Kevin."
Kevin: "Whatever. Let's find them." [He and Rolf run off.]
Eddy: [standing up] "Suckers. Hey Ed! Ed! C'mon out, it's all clear!"
[Ed pops up from a pile of garbage wearing a ratty top hat.]
Ed: "Hi Eddy!"
Eddy: [snickering] "Nice hat, Ed."
Ed: "I'm fancy! Look at me." [He takes out an umbrella.] "Okay. A-one, and a-two, and a–"
[Ed dances around the umbrella, a stupid look on his face. Edd and Eddy laugh.]
Eddy: "Touch your toe to your nose!"
Ed: "Like this?"
[Ed takes off his shoe and presses his big toe to his nose.]
Eddy: "Good one, Ed! Now hop forward! Keep going!" [Ed hops off the edge of the platform.] "You gotta love him."
Edd: [applauding] "Ed could be on TV, don't you think Eddy?"
Eddy: "It's all in the directing, Double D."
Ed: "Eddy is Mister Showbiz!"
Eddy: [angry] "I'll give you Mister–" [inspiration strikes] "–Showbiz! Big cash in showbiz."
Edd: "There's no business like it."
Eddy: "Lights. Camera. Bingo."

---

[The kids are playing in the lane.]
Nazz: "Look, guys!"
Jimmy: "Runaway rug!"
Sarah: "Look out!"
[A red carpet comes bounding down the lane, unfolding as it goes. When it's finished, Ed is shown filming Edd and Eddy.]
Edd: "Here we are on location with Renaissance man Mr. Eddy. Mr. Eddy, how about a scoop?"
Eddy: "Lemme tell ya, I'll be hosting and directing the cul-de-sac's first ever–"
[Jonny shoves his head in front of the camera.]
Eddy: "Uh... Hey Jonny. Use it or lose it." [He pushes Jonny out of the way.] "First-ever TV show! It'll have glitz, tinsel, and TV cameras!"
Kevin: "Glitz?"
Sarah: "Tinsel?"
Jimmy: "TV cameras!"
Ed: "Makeup." [He turns the camera to tape the kids.]
Jimmy: "I'm on TV!"
Sarah: "Hi Mom!"
Jonny: "Smile, Plank!"
Rolf: "Hello Victor!"
Jimmy: "See me, television land?"
Kevin: [camera pointed at his legs] "Hey, I'm up here, ya–"
Nazz: "Hey, I'm Nazz."
Eddy: "Cut. Save the film for the big stars, Ed."
Edd: "Care to name-drop, Mr. Eddy?"
Eddy: "Can't talk about it. Legal stuff. But I'll be holding auditions for local talent."
Edd: "Now that's entertainment."
Jonny: "Let's rehearse, Plank."
Jimmy: "I'll be famous."
[The kids, with the exception of Kevin, cheer and run off to practice.]
Kevin: "Here's my audition." [He blows a raspberry.] "Losers!" [He leaves.]
Eddy: "Prima donna. After our show, we'll be rolling in jawbreakers!"
Ed: "Rolling, Mr. Eddy!" [He rolls up the carpet.]

---

Edd: [shining a spotlight on Jonny and Plank] "Auditioning: Jonny Two By Four and Plank."
Eddy: "Anytime you're ready, kid."
Jonny: "Plank tells jokes! Knock 'em dead, buddy."
Plank:
[Jonny laughs.]
Jonny: "Oh that's a good one! You're killing me!" [Ed laughs with him.]
Eddy: "Next!" [Jonny doesn't move.] "C'mon, we don't have all day."
Nazz: "Hi guys. I'm here to audition!"
[Nazz has with her a tuba. The Eds all start to sweat, amazed by her beauty. Nazz puts her mouth to the tuba and blows a horrendous note. The note sounds like ten cars all at once blew their horns at one another.]
Edd: "Oh...bravo."
Nazz: "That was fun!"
Eddy: "Sign her up, Double D!"
Edd: [whispering] "Sign her up? Nazz single-handedly annihilated all that is music!"
Eddy: [dreamily] "Yeah."
Rolf: "Hello? I will be performing my country's traditional 'Dance of the Hairless Otter.'"
Eddy: [before Rolf can start] "Next!" [whispering to Edd] "There's no budget for subtitles."
Sarah: [obnoxiously] "Ready!"
Eddy: "Who invited them? Okay, c'mon, c'mon, time is money."
[Jimmy twangs his retainer while Sarah begins to dance.]
Ed: "I've got gourd stuck in my teeth."
Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy!" [She begins to twang a banjo and sing while she dances to Jimmy's beat.]
Eddy: "Stop the music!" [He pulls Jimmy away.] "See the star on that door? That's for stars! And you're a star, baby! Lose the amateur, and you'll be a household product."
[Jimmy looks back and forth from the door with a star to Sarah.]
Jimmy: "I wanna be a star!"
Sarah: "Hey!"
Eddy: "AUDITIONS ARE CLOSED!" [Sarah sticks her pinky in her ear.]

---

[Sarah, Jonny, Plank, Rolf, and Kevin are sitting on a bench, waiting for the show to begin.]
Kevin: "De-ja vu."
[The curtains rise, and Eddy leaps onto a table placed onstage.]
Eddy: "Hello, and welcome to the first ever Ed telethon! We've got loads of talent, and our operators are standing by to take your money!" [A spotlight shines on Edd, who is standing by a phone.] "I mean, pledges. Yes, it's all about raising money for Ed's eyebrow operation."
Kevin: "Aw, here we go."
Eddy: [mournfully] "Find it in your hearts to give and help us reach our goal." [The goal is $5.00.]
Eddy: "Without your pledges, Ed's eyebrow could spread all over his body." [to Ed] "Body, stupid, body!"
Ed: "Oh yeah." [He lifts his shirt to reveal a fake mustache has been placed on his belly.]
Eddy: "Oh no! It's started!"
Rolf: "Did you see it move?"
Jonny: [tearfully] "Who knew?"
Eddy: "Okay, let's start the show."
Kevin: "It's about time!"
Eddy: "Please, give it up for that tuba diva, Nazz!"
[The kids cheer, and Nazz bows. When she does this, the tuba moves to catch Eddy in its horn.]
Nazz: "Thanks, guys!" [She straightens up, revealing that Eddy is stuck in the horn.]
Kevin: "Go Nazz, go!"
[Nazz blows a note more horrendous than the one she blew at the audition. Eddy comes unstuck and flies through the air, propelled by the force of the air escaping Nazz's body.]
Ed: "Nazz is good." [Eddy lands.]
Nazz: "You okay, Eddy? We should jam sometime!" [Eddy tries to speak, but his tongue becomes a knot.]
Kevin: "Whassa matter, dork? Can't talk to girls?" [The kids laugh.]
Eddy: "Let's go to the phones!" [Edd stands by the phone.] "Ed."
[Ed hustles backstage.]
Edd: "A phone call should come up anytime."
Kevin: [heckling] "Like my lunch!" [A wave of laughter greets this remark.]
Eddy: "And now, ladies & germs, Mr. Magic himself, the great Jimbo!" [Jimmy does not appear onstage.]
Sarah: "Yay!"
Jonny: "Yay!"
Kevin: "Snoresville."
Rolf: "Amaze me."
Edd: [beckoning to Jimmy] "Hurry Jimmy please!"
Jimmy: [worried about his wardrobe] "My feather! It won't stay up! It's limp!"
Eddy: [conferencing with Edd] "Where's Jimmy?"
Edd: "A plume predicament."
The Kids: [cheering] "Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!"
Eddy: "Get out there, and stall them!" [He pushes Edd into the spotlight.]
Kevin: "Hey, look! Jimmy turned himself into a dork!"
Edd: [struck with stage fright] "Oh dear. There go the legs."
Kevin: "This show heaves!"
[The phone rings.]
Eddy: "A pledge!" [picking up the phone] "Ed telethon."
Ed: [hunting in a fridge] "Eddy, do you keep donations in the fridge?" [Eddy hangs up angrily.]
Sarah: "Yay, Jimmy!" [Jimmy has finally appeared onstage.]
Jimmy: "For my first trick, I will make a flower magically bloom from a pot of soil. Say the magic words! Bubbly bubbly boo." [The flowers bloom from inside his shirt.] "Huh?"
Eddy: "Oh, he's laying an egg!"
Jimmy: "Could I get a volunteer, please?"
[Jonny and Sarah both indicate they'd like to be picked.]
Jimmy: "Okay, Sar–"
Rolf: "Prove to Rolf your powers are true!"
Kevin: "Thataboy, Rolf!"
Jimmy: "I will now saw Rolf in–" [The box falls apart, much to his consternation and Kevin's enjoyment.]
Kevin: "My gut's killing me!"
Jimmy: "But I'm a star." [He runs offstage. On the way, he trips on the microphone wire and runs into the pledge board.]
Sarah: [worried] "Jimmy?"
Kevin: "C'mon, who's on deck?"
[The phone rings.]
Eddy: [picking it up] "Ed telethon."
Ed: [from a hole he dug in Eddy's living room floor] "Are donations bigger than a breadbox?"
[Eddy slams the phone down.]
Kevin: "This telethon stinks!"
Rolf: "Ya, I smell it!"
Eddy: "Yeah? Well you're a–"
Kevin: [mocking Eddy] "Ooh, welcome to the Dork telethon. I'm your twerp host Eddy. Won't you please help my poor hairy friend?"
Rolf: "Ya, please help me, for my eyebrow is growing like a garden weed!"
[The kids all laugh.]
Rolf: "Let us do our own show!"
Kevin: "Good idea, Rolf."
Rolf: "Bye bye, Ed-boys!"
Jonny: "Wait up, guys!" [The audience leaves.]
Eddy: "They stole our audience, Double D!"
Edd: "The bigger you are, the harder you fall."
Ed: [a colander on his head] "Is this a donation?"
Eddy: "Ed's big." [He leaps on Ed.]

---

[Jonny, Nazz, Sarah, and a heavily bandaged Jimmy are laughing at the show being put on in front of them.]
Rolf: [howling] "I'm the hairless otter, and I must eat chickens!"
Kevin: [with a broom and a pillow in his shirt] "Hey, you bag of flesh!" [Rolf howls.] "Let's dance! Kerpow!"
Rolf: [pretending to be wounded] "Oh! Oh, my otter heart! It has been struck. Ah ha! You missed, Reconnaissance Kevin!"
Kevin: "Stupid broom!" [Rolf clamps his jaw around Kevin.] "Ah! I'm otter bait!"
[The kids cheer and then throw coins at the performers. Rolf and Kevin thank them. The Eds peer over a fence.]
Eddy: "That's our money they're throwing!"
Ed: "Can I go over and watch?"
Eddy: "Why bother? They'll be coming to us." [The Eds duck below the fence. Reappearing with the giant magnet] "Hey, Romeo and Juliet! Who's laughing now? Full power, Double D!"
Edd: "Powering up, Eddy!"
Ed: "It floats."
[The magnet suddenly turns around and drags them to a dumpster. They hang there, stuck to its surface.]
Eddy: "Double D?"
Edd: "Silly me, it appears I put the batteries in backwards."
Eddy: "You sure haven't been on the ball lately, huh, Double D?" [The dumpster lid pitches forward, closing.]
Ed: "Kinda funky, huh guys?"