Ed, Edd n Eddy

Edd: [as Jimmy squeals] "That's it, Jimmy. Now, distribute your weight. You can do it. Balance."
Jimmy: "That tickles."
Edd: "Yes. Now try standing."
Jimmy: "Don't let me fall!" [A shirtless Jimmy works his way upright.] "Hot diggity dog, I'm surfing!"
[Jimmy is in a kiddie pool, standing on a wooden plank for a board with Edd supporting him.]
Eddy: [dressed as a lifeguard] "Not quite there, mini kahuna. But if you're brave enough, we at Ed's surf school will teach you how to–" [he kicks Ed, who is posing as a soda vending machine, and receives a can full of soda] "–flip the lip, hang 10, or shave the barrel. For an additional fee, of course. Can you handle it?"
Jimmy: "I'm stoked! Teach me, teach me!" [He grabs at Edd.] "Aah! Don't let go, don't let go!"
Edd: [strangled] "I wouldn't think of it, Jimmy."
Eddy: "Check out these moves, Jimmy boy." [He demonstrates on dry land.] "Easy as 1 2 3. Ed, we need the wave!"
Jimmy: "Wave?"
Edd: "Purely metaphorical, Jimmy. What Eddy means is–"
Jimmy: "Aaah!" [He points upwards.] "Help!"
[Ed is on top of the lifeguard tower.]
Ed: "Ready or not, here I am!" [He jumps.]
[A giant wave crushes part of the fence. Jimmy rides it for dear life. After it breaks and the water washes away, Edd, Eddy, and Jimmy lie shivering on the ground. Jonny approaches.]
Jonny: "You guys have more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! What's that, Plank?"
Jonny: "You wanna surf too? Why, you'd swell up bigger than a breadbox!"
Eddy: "Well, step right up to Ed's Surf–" [He stops. Ed has destroyed the pool for the scam.]
Ed: "Are we having fun yet? Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
Eddy: [quietly] "Oh, you'll have fun." [loud] "Healing, after I get through–"
Jonny: "Too bad. Plank was just aching to try a new ride!" [Eddy signals that Jonny's crazy.] "One time Plank went on a roller-coaster 119 times in a row. I chucked biscuits after that! Didn't I, buddy? Why, Plank spent his whole allowance that day! A regular Rockefeller!"
Eddy: [interested] "Plank gets an allowance? Have I got a ride for you!" [He throws Plank across the yard.]
Jonny: "Plank?" [He runs to retrieve his friend.]
Eddy: "Nice ride, huh Plank? That'll be twenty-five cents."
Jonny: "Plank says you throw like a toothpick, Eddy! He won't pay for kiddie rides!"
Eddy: "Well you tell that doorstop that Eddy's got a ride that'll round his corners. And it's cheap cheap cheap!"
Jonny: "Plank says your mouth runs faster than six-month-old cheese, Eddy."
Eddy: "I'll take that as a yes."
Edd: "I object! My skin is still pruned from that surf-school fiasco!"
Eddy: "Ed, who are we to deny Plank the thrill ride of a lifetime? Let's get to work! Who says money can't buy happiness?"
Ed: [to Plank] "Hello, my name is Ed." [Hearing nothing, he puts his ear to Plank.]
Edd: "Save your energy, Ed, we have lumber to bilk."

[Ed and Edd are blowing up rubber bumpers around some wheeled chairs.]
Jonny: "I said sorry, buddy! I forgot the camera at home!"
Eddy: "Okay, Jonny boy, cough up a quarter for the ride."
Jonny: "Don't look at me." [He moves Eddy's hand to Plank.] "Give Eddy his quarter, Plank."
[Eddy waits for nothing.]
Jonny: "Plank says he's broke!"
Eddy: [walking away] "No cash, no bumper car ride."
Jonny: "I'll spot you this time, but you better learn to pinch your pennies, mister!"
Eddy: [taking it] "What a pal."
Jonny: "Now get in there and bump 'em!"
Eddy: [faking fear] "Plank's gonna bump us? Oh no! Plank's gonna bump us!" [He laughs.] "What's he gonna do, board us to death?" [He laughs again.] "Oh look, I'm scared stiff! Stiff as a board!" [He takes the shape of a board for good measure.]
Ed: "Board jokes are funny!"
Edd: "Eddy, that's enough!"
Eddy: "What? Jealous you can't come up with a board joke?"
[Plank skids into the middle of the Eds. He sends them bouncing into each other and off the sides of the arena. The Eds' cars slowly lose their momentum and come to a halt. When they stop, they break down.]
Jonny: "That-a-boy, buddy! Way to go, pal! Right on!"
Ed: "Yippee! Ha ha!" [He bumps into Plank's cart, and Plank falls into his lap.] "No need to say anything, Plank, as I would not hear it anyway."
Jonny: "Plank says bumper cars are for chickens and whoever thought that up should have their brain lacquered! Boy buddy, now that's harsh."
Edd: [trying to hold back an enraged Eddy] "Now Eddy, let's not do anything hasty. It's an inanimate object, for Pete's sake!"
Jonny: "What's that, Plank? Another ride? You're starting to get that look again, mister!"
Eddy: "How was I supposed to know Plank was such an animal? I got something tucked away that's sure to curl his shavings."

[Eddy is announcing a dangerous ride in the construction site to Jonny.]
Eddy: "Here's a ride that's sure to turn Plank's endgrain. Welcome to the Log of No Return. It's fast, thrilling, and worst of all, doused with depraved, upset, wood-eating termites!"
Ed: "Show 'em how it works, Lumpy!" [He holds a wooden chair over the log, and the termites instantly devour it.]
Jonny: "Holy cow!"
Eddy: "Will Plank survive? Or turn into lunch for the really miffed termites?"
Edd: "You're scaring him, Eddy!" [to Jonny] "Rest assured, Jonny, all safety precautions have been taken. As safety is our prime–"
Eddy: "That'll be fifty cents. So'll that be cash or–"
Jonny: "Fifty cents? The last ride was a quarter! C'mon, Plank!"
[As he walks away, Jonny's face softens.]
Jonny: "What'd you say?"
Jonny: "You're bumming me out, buddy!"
Jonny: "All right, all right!" [He hands Eddy two quarters.]
Ed: "You lucky dog, you!" [He grabs Plank.] "Arf arf!"
Jonny: [as Ed's about to launch] "Wait, I changed my mind!"
[Plank shoots up the ramp in his roller skate. At the top, the skate falls off, and Plank is airborne. Termites mass at the point where the wood should come down. Inches above it, Plank's parachute inflates, and he floats safely out of reach.]
Jonny: "Plank! You get back here!"
Edd: "Guo......darn it!" [He runs after Plank.]
Ed: "Double D almost said a bad word, Eddy." [He gallops after Edd.]
Eddy: "Hey, hold on a second! What about the candy store? I got seventy-five cents, where ya goin?"

[Plank drifts lazily until he hits a tree and wedges in its branches.]
Jonny: "Oh, brother. You get down from there! Your insatiable thrill-seeking's giving me an ulcer!"
Edd: "I can't help but think–"
Eddy: "This is your fault! Safety precautions my foot. Bah, this is bunk. I'm hitting the candy store."
Ed: [grabbing Eddy] "Don't go, Eddy! Plank needs us!"
Jonny: "Plank says who needs that fatheaded no-neck chicken-livered geek anyway."
Eddy: "That's it!" [pushing his friends up the tree] "I've had it with that stick's mouth!"
Edd: "But Eddy, he's so high up!"
Eddy: "Shut up and climb!"
Edd: "Eddy, wait! You're dealing with a sapling!"
Ed: [the Eds now near the top] "I am scared, guys!"
Eddy: "Grab him, Double D!"
[Ed's jar of termites falls out of his pocket. Hungrily, they begin to devour the tree.]
Jonny: "Termites!"
Ed: "Oops."
Edd: "Termites?"
[The termites finish off the tree, and Ed, Edd, Eddy, and Plank fall down.]
The Eds: "Termites!" [They land in the creek with a splash.]
Jonny: "I got you, buddy!"
Eddy: "Rats!"
Edd: "I'm wet!"
[Jonny uses the Eds heads as stepping stones.]
Eddy: "Hey!"
Jonny: "Hang on, Plank!"
Ed: "You're welcome!"
[On the other side of the creek, Jonny catches Plank.]
Eddy: "That guy's really getting on my nerves!"
Jonny: "Are you happy now, Mr. Troublemaker?"
Eddy: [floating downstream] "The water's kinda brisk on the pants, huh Double D?"
[The Eds go down a waterfall screaming.]

[The Eds come to the end of the creek using Ed as a preserver, where Jonny is waiting.]
Jonny: "You won't believe this, guys, but this crazy kid wants to go on another ride."
Eddy: "No way!"
Edd: "Plank's appetite for death-defying rides almost got us killed!"
Eddy: "Why don't you take that thing home and– stain it or something." [He walks away only to fall back into the water.]
Jonny: "Plank says, let's talk cash."
Eddy: "I'm listening."
Jonny: "Plank says, you need a breathmint, Eddy."

[Eddy is showing Jonny a fearsome rollercoaster.]
Eddy: "You want it, you got it! Welcome to Requiem for a Whiplash!"
Jonny: [nervous] "Sure looks hairy, Plank."
Jonny: [defiant] "I'm not a sissy! You better be nice to me!"
Edd: [under a load of tools and blueprints] "Oh, I'm tired. So tired. Without limitation, truly tired. Utterly, unequivocally tired."
Ed: [holding up a potato] "This is my lucky potato, Plank! May it serve you well. Here you go."
[Ed gives Plank the potato, which falls to the ground.]
Eddy: "As you can see, we're talking a high-class vomit-inducing ride here. It'll cost you a buck to ride."
Jonny: [shocked] "One dollar? Plank, I got a feeling these guys are taking us for a ride!"
Jonny: "Are you warped, Plank? You're telling me if the Eds ride with you, you'll give Eddy five bucks?"
Edd: [sweating] "As generous as that may be, I really don't think–" [Eddy hits him with a shopping cart.]
Eddy: "All aboard the money train! We're gonna be rich! Drowning in cash! Swimming in moolah!" [The cart stops at the start.] "Top of the heap, baby!"
Jonny: "Eddy! Don't listen to Plank! He's just looking for kicks!"
Edd: "Jonny's right, Eddy. Plank's just up to–"
Eddy: "Don't rain on my parade, Sockhead!" [to Jonny] "Hand over the gullible little hunk of wood." [He realizes Plank is missing.] "Where'd he go?"
Ed: "He is over there, the little rascal."
[Plank is leaning against a rock. He falls forward onto a step, tripping the wires that hold the cart back. The cart starts to move onto the ride.]
Edd: "Plank has turned the tables, Eddy."
Eddy: "What a weasel!"
Ed: "The little dickens."
Eddy: "I want my FIVE-"
[The ride starts. The Eds go down the hill full tilt.]
Jonny: "What a horrible way to go!" [to Plank] "Nice trick, you sneak, you."
Ed: [riding with his friends] "Faster, pussycat, faster!"
Eddy: "Ed, give it a break, willya?"
Ed: "You got it, Eddy!"
[Ed sticks his head out behind and rips up the boards with his teeth. The cart goes off a hill and the Eds fall out. Eddy lands on the board. Edd lands on top of him. Ed lands on top of both of his friends.]
Ed: "Giddyap, horsey!"
[The cart lands on top of them and flips right-side up. The wheels fall off and the axles spark against the wood.]
Edd: Um... Eddy?
Jonny: [watching through binoculars] "Look at the sparks, Plank!"
Ed: [not scared at all] "Let's sing a song!"
[The cart slides into a giant half-cylinder and stops dead. The cylinder tips over and points at the sky. A ticking, like that of a time bomb, is heard.]
Edd: [scared] "Oh, dear. Curse my avid inventing."
Eddy: "What?"
[A bell rings and a spring shoots the Eds skyward. Above Jonny, six quarters fall out of the sky.]
Jonny: "Well whaddya know, we got a refund, Plank!"
Jonny: "Hey Eddy, Plank says you owe him a buck for the ride!" [He snickers.] "Good one, buddy."

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide