Ed, Edd n Eddy

[The kids are standing around, looking down at something.]
Jimmy: "Gee whillikers! Are those penguins?" [Three bowling pin made to look like penguins are standing in what appears to be snow.]
Eddy: [dressed as an Eskimo] "You better believe it, Curly. You're in the land of snow and Eskimos. And how do you get around in this frozen food section of the world? On Ed's Polar Sled Ride."
[Edd, dressed as a husky, comes up struggling to gain traction on the snow. He slips. When he stands up again, foam is all over his face.]
Edd: "Thankfully Mother buys eco-friendly detergent."
Eddy: "His bark is bigger than his bite. Darn huskies. Twenty-five cents and ride through the northern light bulb!"
Jimmy: "Whee! I love sleigh rides!"
Jonny: "Let's sit up front, Plank!"

[The kids are all on the sleigh. Edd is unable to gain any traction at all, and Eddy is counting his money.]
Sarah: "Move it, ya mutt!"
Eddy: "Twenty-five, fifty, seventy-five–"
Ed: "Ooh! Ooh! Can I mush, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Yeah yeah, just don't get any on me, Ed."
Ed: "Mush!" [He pushes the sleigh from behind.] "Look at me! I am a musher! Mush!"
[A soccer ball bounces onto the snow.]
Rolf: "Oops! Sorry Kevin."
Kevin: "No problem, dude." [He goes to get it.]
Eddy: "And who invited you?"
Edd: "Ed! Kevin is in the direct path of our sleigh!"
Ed: "Mush!"
Edd: "Ed, turn the sleigh!" [He and the other kids scream.]
Kevin: "What the–?" [He stays where he is but ducks.]
[The kids scream.]
Jonny: "For cying out loud!"
[Right before they hit Kevin, Ed grabs Eddy and uses Eddy as a pivot, turning right.]
Jimmy: "Farewell, cruel world! My hair!"
[Ed continues full steam ahead and heads for the sign. The kids duck, but Ed's head just smashes through.]
Eddy: "My sign!" [The vehicle crashes, leaving everyone buried in a snow mound.]
Jimmy: "My legs!"
Eddy: "My igloo!"
Kevin: "Awesome."
Eddy: [to Kevin] "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Kevin: "I just got my ball, dork."
Jonny: "Me and Plank want our money back!"
Nazz: "My colors are running, Eddy."
Sarah: "Gimme my quarter!"
Eddy: "What do I look like, a bank? No refunds." [Sarah grabs him by the nose.] "Oh, geez."
[Sarah beats him up.]
Kevin: "Nice."
Sarah: [running off with the jar] "C'mon, Jimmy!"
Jonny: "Wait up, guys!"
Jimmy: [part of the sign in his hair] "Polar bear attack!"
Kevin: "Later, dork!"
Eddy: [to Kevin] "If it wasn't for you, I'd be swimming in jawbreakers right now!"
Kevin: "I have no idea what you're dorking about."
Eddy: "Oh, you know what I'm dorking about."
Edd: "Put it behind you, Eddy. This was all just an unfortunate unforeseen circumstance."
Ed: [clueless] "Pickle?" [He pulls out said gherkin.]
[Rolf is playing with the ball.]
Rolf: "Hello. Goodbye. Hello goodbye."
Kevin: "Rolf! Quit showing off and pass the ball,–"
Eddy: [in Kevin's ear] "YOU OWE ME MONEY!"
Kevin: "You're cruising for a bruising, you little twerp." [He pulls the hood of Eddy's parka shut.]
Eddy: "Where'd everybody go?" [He comes sliding over to his friends.]
Edd: "Well Eddy, with that I guess we can–" [Eddy blindly punches him.]
Eddy: "Who's there? Kevin? You jarhead, you owe me a buck!" [climbing a snow mountain] "Where are ya? Show yourself, ya–"
Edd: "Um, Eddy? Kevin left." [Eddy pulls his parka away from his face.]
Eddy: "That's it, run! Hide! But I hope you're a light sleeper, 'cause I'll be all over you like a bad itch! It's war, I tell ya!"
Ed: [running up the hill] "Slide on the soap." [He slides down and climbs up again.] "Slide on the soap." [He slides and climbs back up.] "Slide on the soap." [Slide and climb.] "Slide on the soap."
Edd: "You're on your own, Eddy. I refuse to partake in games of vengeance."
Eddy: "Oh, really? How 'bout I blow the whistle on what's under that hat of yours, Double D?"
Edd: "You wouldn't dare! Would you?"

[Kevin is working on his bike. Edd watches through binoculars. Eddy pops up, a clump of grass on his head.]
Eddy: "Report, Double D!"
Edd: "Kevin is at leisure, unsuspecting and quite vulnerable, Eddy."
Eddy: "A sitting duck! When Ed shows up, we'll ambush the sap."
[Eddy glares at Edd and then tosses him to the ground.]
Eddy: "You stick out like a sore thumb. Haven't you ever heard of camouflage?" [He puts a strip of grass over Edd's head.]
Edd: "Don't toy with me, Eddy." [A wagon runs him over.]
Ed: "I got the stuff to throw at Kevin, Eddy."
Eddy: "Thattaboy, Ed! Double D, take a whiff of this!"
Edd: "Ed, where did you exhume this from?"
Ed: "Bric-a-brac from under my bed, Double D."
Edd: "Ed? Do you know there's a turtle on your head?"
Ed: "Yep!"
[Eddy fishes into the muck until he finds what he wants. It is a paper bag, dripping with rot and mold.]
Eddy: "Ah-ha! The ultimate implement for humiliation!"
Ed: "Nah, that's my lunch from school last year."
[Eddy opens the bag and turns blue.]
Eddy: [closing it] "Pee-yew! It's perfect."

[Kevin runs the chain and drips some oil onto it. Eddy makes odd signals to his friends, who stare back.]
Ed: "Ooh, ooh!" [He makes weird faces and signals.]
Eddy: [whispering] "Let's move out!"
Edd: "Oh like that really meant anything."
[Eddy leads the Eds to a manhole.]
Eddy: "There he is! I know an underground route." [He enters the sewers.]
Edd: "Ed! Eddy's overzealous attempt to reform this erroneous altercation is destined to fail!"
Ed: "Napkin, please."
Edd: "I should have known better."
[Edd and Ed enter the sewer. They come out of another manhole and tiptoe back to their starting point.]
Eddy: "That was close!"
Edd: "Close? We're at the same location as when we started. We went in a complete circle past Kevin."
Eddy: "That's to confuse him. Just in case he saw us."

[The Eds sneak over to a bush on the side of Kevin's yard. Eddy ducks into it, but Ed and Edd stand in it.]
Eddy: "Duck, you idiots!" [Ed and Edd lower themselves.]
Ed: "Quack." [Kevin lifts his head.]
Kevin: "Suburbs are weird." [He goes back to his bike, and the Eds peek out over the hedge.]
Eddy: "Good one, Ed. He's sure to be onto us now." [Kevin pops open a soda bottle.] "Look at him. He thinks he's so smart."
Ed: "Oh, I got an inkling."

[The Eds walk by, dressed as Jonny.]
Kevin: "Hey Jonny."
[The Eds run into the fence and flip over it.]
Kevin: "What a freak."
[On the other side of the fence, Eddy and Edd crawl out of the head. Eddy looks through a knothole.]
Eddy: "Okay. Let's do it."
Edd: "Do what? We've trekked half this cul-de-sac and accomplished nothing!"
Eddy: [handing Edd the bag] "Take this and nail Kevin right in the head."
Edd: "Me?"
Eddy: "Yeah, you! He'll know we're up to something if me or Ed go!"
Edd: "I can't just go up to Kevin and hit him! I have nothing to do with your misguided adventure!"
Ed: "Go on, Double D." [He begins tickling Edd.]
Eddy: "Yeah, you know you want to." [He tickles Edd, and Edd inadvertently moves forward.]
Edd: "Stop it! I'm ticklish! Wait, please!" [He collapses into giggles until he realizes the tickling has stopped.]
Kevin: "Hey, Double D." [Edd is at the end of Kevin's driveway.] "What's so funny, hombre?"
Edd: "Why, I'm just dandy, how 'bout you?"
Kevin: "Looks like your lunch is leaking."
Edd: "Oh, um, is that a Waldron rachet?"
Kevin: "Yeah, I just got it! It torques the bolts so the slippage is the right–" [He stops. Edd has disappeared behind him.] "–round for–where'd he go? Dork."
[Kevin returns to his bike. Edd stands behind him, petrified, bag raised overhead. Eddy signals him.]
Edd: "Oh, dear. I can't believe I'm about to–" [The bag bursts right on top of Edd. Edd stands still, mortified. Kevin, finished, rides off, not even noticing Edd.]
Eddy: "Did you see that? Kevin tampered with our ammo!"
Edd: "I'm covered in filth. Foul. Contaminated. Luncheon."
Eddy: "Don't worry about it, stinky. We'll get him. Right, Ed?"
Ed: "I'm hungry."

[Kevin is chatting with Nazz.]
Kevin: [in the middle of a story] "Is that a giant clam?"
Eddy: "Right there! Hold it."
[Edd is holding a hand mirror, tilted at such an angle to catch Kevin and Nazz and show them to Eddy.]
Eddy: "Look at him, plotting his next move against us. Well he's in for a surprise, 'cause we're hitting him first!"
Edd: "Why do I get the impression that Kevin doesn't even know we exist?"
Kevin: "Cool. See you later, Nazz." [He rides away.]
Eddy: "Hurry up with the pancake syrup, Ed!" [Ed is pouring maple syrup in a strip across the street.]
Ed: "Gotcha!"
Eddy: "He'll arrive right into that syrup, scream for help, then bingo! We hit him."
Edd: "I abhor violence, Eddy. You and Ed can hit him."
Eddy: "Fine!"
Ed: [finishing up] "Ready and waiting!"
Eddy: "Here he comes, hide!" [The Eds duck into the bushes. Jimmy rides into the syrup.]
Jimmy: "Aah! I'm stuck!"
Eddy: Get him!
Ed: "Prepare to meet your maker!"
Jimmy: "Aunt Ruthie?"
[Ed leaps onto Jimmy and Kevin rides across Ed's back.]
Eddy: "Man he's crafty."
Edd: [sarcastic] "Don't be so modest, Eddy. It must have taken you at least ten seconds to come up with this!"
Eddy: "It's all your fault! If you'd helped, we'd be at home complaining about nothing to do!"
Edd: "Oh, now it's my fault?"
Eddy: "Yeah!"
Edd: "Really?"
Eddy: "Yeah!"
Edd: "Really?"
Eddy: "Yeah, really!"
[An awkward silence ensues.]
Edd: "Very well, then. Shall we proceed to you getting your own way yet again?"
Eddy: "After you."
Ed: [covered in syrup] "Wait up, guys!"

[Kevin yawns and stretches out on a hammock. He settles in. A fake cloud attached to a mechanical line extends to settle above Kevin. On top the Eds dressed in blue with white hair are loading a cannon.]
Eddy: "This is so sweet, Double D."
Edd: "Thank you, Eddy. No one would ever suspect Mother Nature to harbor a spring-loaded circus cannon and–" [angry] "–blow innocent bystanders to kingdom come!"
Eddy: "I'm rubbing off on ya, Double D. Get in the cannon, Ed. Kevin's gonna get hit with a hundred pounds of Lump!"
Edd: [with a traffic cone] "Put this on, Ed. It'll protect the turtle."
Ed: "Ready to be fired!"
Eddy: [pushing Ed into the cannon] "C'mon, we don't have all day." [plugging his ears] "Fire, Double D!"
[Nothing happens.]
Ed: "Did I go?" [Eddy looks at Edd angrily.]
Edd: "Don't look at me. I already live with enough guilt."
[Eddy winds the cannon up and pulls the trigger.]
Eddy: "Boom goes the weasel!"
[The cannon backfires, sending Edd and Eddy back into a tree to which the machine is attached. The treetop flies up and demolishes the cloud. Edd and Eddy are pulled back and fall into the wreckage of the scheme. Kevin, oblivious to it all, packs up his hammock and goes inside.]
Eddy: "He's too good."

[Kevin's doorbell rings. Kevin opens the door, and Eddy, bruised and bloodied, holds out his hand.]
Kevin: "What is this?"
Eddy: "I give, you win. Let's call it a day."
Kevin: "What're you talking about?"
Edd: "Well Kevin, Eddy would like to extend an olive branch, so to speak."
Eddy: "Yeah, so just shake my hand."
Ed: "You guys are gonna make my turtle cry."
[Kevin slams the door on Eddy's hand.]
Eddy: "Yow!" [He pulls his hand loose.]
Jonny: "Whoa!"
[Jonny comes by in the giant mask the Eds had used earlier as a disguise.]
Jonny: "Hey guys, I'm inside my own head! Far out, huh? Woo, too weird!"
[Jonny walks into a lamppost and lands upside down. Eddy furiously rings the doorbell.]
Eddy: "Get out here, Kevin! You did that on purpose! Gimme my buck!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide