Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Plank is flying around, a cape tied to his back. He is pretending to be a superhero. A sudden cry for help catches his and Jonny's attention.]
Jimmy: "Leave me alone! You bullies! No! You're stretching my top!" [Jimmy is in the middle of the lane, being bullied by the Kanker sisters.]
Marie: "Hey, May! Got that bug?"
May: "You bet!" [holds up a caterpillar] "Let's make him eat it!"
The Kankers: "Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!"
[Jimmy clamps his hands firmly over his mouth. Marie reaches around and moves the retainer so that it holds Jimmy's mouth open.]
The Kankers: "Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!"
Jonny: "Here I come!" [Plank sails over the fence.]
May: "What the heck is that?" [Plank hits her in the face and somersaults up and into Lee's hair.]
Lee: "Uuuh! Get it out, Marie, get it out!"
Marie: "All right, hold still. Let me see." [Jimmy tries to creep away but is confronted by the "villainous" caterpillar.]
Lee: "Hurry it up!"
Marie: "Quit being such a crybaby. May, get over here!"
May: [getting up to run toward her sisters] "Let me try!" [Before she reaches them, Plank comes out of Lee's hair.]
Lee: "Is it out? Is it out?"
[Plank lands in May's path. May steps on the board and slips, tumbling into her sisters.]
Jimmy: [as the bug continues towards him] "Oh no! Somebody do something! It's gonna touch me!"
[Plank lands in the caterpillar's path, averting disaster.]
Jonny: "Woo hoo! Super Plank saves the day!"
Super Plank:
Jimmy: [holding up Plank] "My hero!"
Jonny: "He pulverized them! What are we waiting for? Let's go tell everybody!" [They run by the dazed Kankers, who are lying in a pile.]

[The Eds are drinking sodas in a backyard.]
Eddy: "So all we gotta do is empty all these bottles and cash 'em in for a refund. Check Ed out. He knows the drill."
[Ed is guzzling two bottles. He finishes them and belches.]
Eddy: "Good one, Ed!" [They belch, then look at Edd expectantly.]
Edd: "You've got to be kidding."
Ed: [after an expectant pause] "Aw, come on, Double D!"
Eddy: "He can't. He's too chicken!"
Ed: "Blow a big one! C'mon! You can do it!"
Eddy: [at the same time] "Chicken! Bu-bu-buckaw!"
Edd: "Small things amuse small minds, I suppose." [He attempts it, but only makes a small a quacking noise. The same thing happens on subsequent tries.]
Eddy[collapses to the ground with laughter.]
Ed: [patting a blushing Edd on the head] "There there, little man. There's plenty to be ashamed of."
Jimmy and Jonny: "Plank is our hero!" [They run by, holding Plank aloft.]
Jimmy: "Plank is the king of the cul-de-sac!"
Jonny: "You got that right!"
Jimmy and Jonny: "Plank's our hero, Plank's the king!"
Edd: "Fare thee well, King Plank!"
Eddy: [disgruntled] "King? Plank? If anyone is king around here, it's me!"
Ed: "Plank makes for a good ruler!" [He runs after Plank.]
Eddy: "Get back here! I'm the king, and you know it! I demand a vote! Kings have to be elected, you know."
Edd: [after digesting this latest evidence of Eddy's stupidity] "I'm sorry Eddy, but that's incorrect. Kings are born into nobility through an eclectic lineage spanning generations."
Eddy: [assertively] "I want an election!"
Edd: "You do?" [happily] "Why, just the thought of implementing a democratic system within the confines of suburban living is." [He belches and turns red. Eddy grins.]
Ed: "An angel just got its wings, Double D."

[Rolf is holding his breath while Kevin times him with a stopwatch.]
Jonny: [holding Plank up] "Check Plank out!"
Jonny: "He's the king of the cul-de-sac!"
Jimmy: [to Sarah and Nazz] "Oh Sarah, it was so divine! In just one day, Plank saved me from three evil witches and a creepy-crawly!"
Nazz: "That's awesome, Jimmy."
Sarah: "Hooray for the King!"
Rolf: [frightened] "A wooden board saved you from three evil witches and a creepy-crawly?" [running away] "MAMA! THE FAIRY TALE THAT HAUNTS ROLF HAS COME TRUE!"
Edd: [through a megaphone] "Hear ye, hear ye! Your attention, please! An election has been declared! A great opportunity is at hand, people! A candidate has come forth to seek the office of King of the cul-de-sac. I introduce to you, for your consideration, Candidate Eddy!"
[Eddy comes in on a wagon towed by Ed. He is wearing a giant top hat. If we didn't know better, we'd say that the Flying Eduardo Brothers were back.]
Eddy: "Keep it down, folks. There's plenty of me to go around."
Kevin: [unimpressed] "Pa-thetic."
Edd: [clapping] "Yes indeedy."
Ed: "Free buttons!" [He throws the hard plastic buttons at the electorate, showering them.] "Vote for Eddy! Wear 'em while they're hot!"
Sarah: [fed up] "QUIT IT, YOU IDIOT!"
Edd: [plucking a button from her hair] "Let me help you with that, Sarah. I'd be very thankful if you showed your support."
Eddy: [to Jonny] "Vote for me, you big bald-headed badger!" [He gives Jonny a noogie.]
Edd: "Candidate Eddy! Voters need to see compassion, leadership, and sincerity."
Nazz: [probably the only informed voter] "Dude, do you have a platform or what?"
Eddy: [confused] "Uh…" [asking Edd, under his breath] "Platform? What's with that?"
Edd: [holding up note cards] "I took the liberty of writing a speech, sir!"
Eddy: "Aide."
Ed: [placing Eddy on his shoulders] "Upsa-daisy, your sinus."
Eddy: [giving his speech] "If elected as King of the cul-de-sac, infraction will be a thing of the gas!"
Edd: [hissing] "Inflation will be a thing of the past, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Huh?"
Edd: "Inflation, Eddy!" [Eddy flips through the speech.]
Kevin: "Snoresville! This is so lame."
Eddy: [tossing the speech away] "You're right. Let's cut to the chase. If you vote for me instead of that stick, you get jawbreakers for free. For life! Eh?"
Nazz: [departing] "Well, that was a hoot."
Sarah: [leaving] "Fathead!"
Kevin: [leaving with everyone else] "Man, he's so desperate, I swear!"
Eddy: "I'm the king! You'll see." [He climbs off Ed's shoulders. After a brief pause, he releases his fury by tossing his hat to the ground and stomping on it. He then hands the crushed hat to Edd.] "There's gotta be a way of takin' Plank out." [Edd pulls on the "King" button, and the hat reverts to normal. He then places it back on Eddy's head.] "I got it! Let's dig up some dirt on that clapboard!"
Edd: [suspicious] "A political scandal?" [outraged] "Your rash attempt at disgracing the moral sensibilities of an innocent, good-natured cut of timber have fallen on deaf ears, mister! Count me out."
Eddy: "What, I was just kidding. That would be so…wrong." [He pulls Ed away.]

[Eddy is pacing in the lane. He has been there so long, he has worn a groove where he walks. A door suddenly is put on the lane side of a fence accompanied by a knock.]
Ed: "Who's there?" [He opens the door, a bag in his hands.]
Eddy: [as Ed opens the bag] "C'mon, let's see, what'd you get, what'd you get?!"
Ed: "Boy, did I get some dirt, Eddy!"
[Eddy grabs the bag and empties it out. What he finds are a shattered flowerpot, a wrecked plant, and a WHOLE bunch of dirt.]
Eddy: "This is dirt!" [holding up the plant] "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS? IT'S DIRT!" [The dirt at the base of the plant crumbles, revealing a photo.] "What's this?"
Ed: "Can I see, Eddy?"
Eddy: [grinning] "Photographic proof! Plank's a goner."
Ed: [staring at the picture] "I would hide this too if I had done that!"
[Eddy laughs evilly.]

[A voting station is set up outside someone's house. Edd comes out of the house and shovels some warm cookies onto a plate. The kids come running up.]
Edd: "In celebration of Election Day, I've baked homemade cookies. For those of you about to vote."
Rolf: [pinching his nose shut] "Why does Rolf smell the odor of Nano's decaying toenails?" [Edd's smile turns to a frown, accompanied by an annoyed moan.]
Eddy: "STOP THE PRESSES! Looks like your king's got something to hide from you guys. Check out this photo!"
[Eddy shows the picture to the kids.]
Kevin: [entertained] "Choice!"
Jimmy: [scared] "I'll never look at the hunk of wood the same way! My hero's a flake!" [He sobs.]
Kevin: "Your hero's a zero!"
Rolf: [confused] "Is it not just a piece of wood?"
Jonny: [trying to protect Plank] "HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE?!"
Eddy: [keeping the photo away from Jonny] "I'll never tell. Aide?" [He gives the picture to Ed, who holds it hostage.]
Jonny: "Give it back, that's Plank's property! Please, Ed!"
Ed: "Okey-dokey!" [He hands the picture to Jonny.]
Jonny: [begging for mercy] "So Plank made a mistake! We all got skeletons in our closet. What's he got to do to prove he's a good Joe?"
Eddy: "Ask not what he can do for the cul-de-sac, baldy, ask what I'm gonna do to him once I win this election!"
Edd: "Candidate Eddy!" [He seethes.]
Eddy: "The public has a right to know the truth, Double D. 'Cause the truth makes them vote for the right guy."
Kevin: "Got that right, Abe. Where do I vote?" [The ground shifts under him.] "What the–?"
Ed: [holding a shovel, on which Kevin is standing] "Right this way, mister!" [He shovels Kevin into the polling booth.]
Edd: [hustling over with the plate] "Don't forget your cookie!" [Kevin takes one.] "You'll find a napkin by the ballot, Kevin."
Ed: [with a shovel full of kids] "Got another one, Double D!"
Edd: "Ed, please! The voting booth is a private refuge where choice can be made free from persuasion! One voter per–ahem–shovelful, thank you." [As he rambles, Kevin comes out of the booth and sneaks another cookie.]
Nazz: "I guess I'm next." [She walks in.]
Eddy: "And don't forget, vote for King Eddy!" [He pulls out a foam finger that says "Vote Eddy!".]
Edd: "Eddy, you're pressuring the voters!"
Eddy: "Don't you have a pal to vote for?" [He flicks Edd towards the ballot booth.]
Ed: [grabbing the plate of cookies] "My turn!" [As he eats the plate, he puts the shovel under his butt and walks in.]
Edd: "Ed! You be careful in there."
Eddy: "Don't forget to vote for your pal there, Lumpy. 'Cause he's the man. Right there, Jonny boy?" [Jonny walks by wordlessly.]
[Edd enters the ballot box, which now has many flies congregating around it. Ed has apparently voted.]
Edd: [as the kids discuss the election] "Now, then, has everyone voted?"

[Eddy is in the ballot box, cackling evilly. He begins pulling ballots from his sash and stuffing the box with them. Edd peeks in at him.]
Edd: [holding another ballot box] "Luckily I anticipated your shenanigans, and swapped the official ballot box for a mock-up." [grabbing a vote] "Only one vote per person, thank you."

Edd: [behind a desk] "People of the cul-de-sac." [He bangs a gavel.] "I call this election to a close, and will tally your votes for whom you have really chosen as our king of the cul-de-sac. Our first vote goes to…Eddy."
Eddy: "Bingo!"
Edd: "Next, we have one for Plank!"
Jonny: "Right on!"
Edd: "Ooh, and another for Plank! And one for…Rolf?"
Rolf: "Thank you."
Edd: "Yes, well…and here's another one for…Plank!"
Edd: "Yes, and Plank again. Another vote for Plank! And last but not least…" [He holds up a cookie.] "Um, we seem to have a spoiled ballot. [He looks at Ed, who's stuffing his ears with votes.] Cookies don't count, I'm afraid." [back to the election] "It's unanimous! Majority rules! I hereby name Plank King of the cul-de-sac!" [The kids cheer.]
Ed: "Yeah! Way to lose, Eddy!"
The Kids: [carrying Plank on their shoulders] "Yay, way to go! Plank's the king of the cul-de-sac!"
Eddy: [to Edd] "I WANT A RECOUNT!"
Edd: "But Eddy, you only got one vote."
Eddy: "Ed! Who'd ya vote for?"
Ed: "The cookie, Eddy!"
Eddy: "One, huh?" [He does some calculations as Edd tries to creep away.] "Hey, wait a minute!"
Edd: [in the ballot box] "Friends as we are, I had to vote for Plank, Eddy! Nothing personal. You understand, don't you?"
Eddy: [leaping into the box] "Double crosser!"
Edd: [while being beaten up] "Please, Eddy! It's part of the democratic process!"
Ed: "Dogpile!" [He leaps into the booth. Eddy and Edd are quickly thrown out, and Ed fights with himself.]
Edd: "Well, Ed seems to be celebrating his independence."
Eddy: "I hope he gets a concussion."

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide