Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Eddy is chewing gum, grinding and gnashing fearfully at it.]
Ed: "I'm in my happy place, Double D!" [Ed rips the gum from Eddy's mouth with his own teeth and begins chewing with ease.]
Edd: "Well, it seems my formula for inordinate bubble gum exceeded all expectations." [Ed blows a bubble.] "Ed, are you blowing a bubble? Heavens, I don't have data for this!" [Eddy laughs.] "Inhale, Ed! Reverse your breathing!"
[Ed starts to float away.]
Eddy: "Hey! Where're you going with my gum?"
Jonny: "Is that a hot air balloon?"
Eddy: [pulling Ed down] "What's it to ya?" [coming up with a scam] "Why of course it is, Jonny my boy." [Eddy puts Jonny in Ed's jacket pocket.] "One seat left for the trip of a lifetime."
Jonny: [happy] "You're so full of it, Eddy."
Eddy: "We at Ed's Hot Air Tours will only charge you 25¢." [Ed starts to float away. Eddy doesn't notice until he doesn't get his money.] "Hey! Cough up, you freeloader!" [Ed grabs Eddy and pulls him aboard.] "Ed?"
Edd: "Stay calm!" [muttering] "Curse my inventive ways." [calling] "No sudden movements now, do you hear me?" [Edd proceeds to give chase.]
Jonny: "What'd he say? Race you to the top, Plank!" [reaching the top] "How bout giving me a break once in while, speedy?"
Edd: "Jonny, stay in your seat! Oh dear."
Eddy: "Hey Double D, your gum's indestructible!"

[Kevin, in the lane, brings his bike to a halt. He sees the Eds and pulls a bat and baseball out of his backpack.]
Kevin: "Astro-dorks at twelve o'clock."
[Kevin hits the ball directly at the bubble. The ball hits and pops the bubble.]
Kevin: "Awesome!"
[Ed, Eddy, Jonny, and Plank come plummeting down to Earth, screaming. Ed and Eddy go through a house's roof. Jonny hits the ground and continues to break through.]

[Jonny resurfaces in China.]
Jonny: "Wow, China! Just like in the cartoons!"

[Edd hustles up the stairs towards the damage.]
Edd: "If my calculations are correct, they should have landed–" [He enters the scene of destruction. Sarah's room is trashed.] "–in Sarah's room."
Ed: [a bedspring around his head] "I'm a Borg."
Edd: [going mad] "Ed, do you realize you've damaged, nay, destroyed, Sarah's room? Eddy, get up! We need to find tacks, fabric, and a lathe!"
[Eddy lifts his head, and a book falls off his face. The book is Sarah's diary.]
Eddy: "Well whaddya know? It's Sarah's diary! Let's make some popcorn and read it!"
Ed: [alarmed] "It's Sarah's, Eddy! Put it back! Get away from it!"
Edd: [taking the book] "I'll take that. Thank you. Ed's right, Eddy. A diary is a written record of one's private and personal thoughts. Fortunately, there will be no reading of this intimate ledger, not while I'm present."
[Eddy grabs the book away from Edd.]
Eddy: "At last, my revenge!" [He laughs evilly.]
Sarah: [offscreen] "What the heck are you talking about, Jimmy?"
[Sarah and Jimmy are coming up the stairs.]
Jimmy: "Tai Chi, Sarah. The art of relaxation. Everybody's doing it."
Ed: "It's Sarah! We are so doomed. Help me, guys! She'll tell Mom and Mom will tell Dad and he'll say 'Not now, I just got home from work.' I'm not in my happy place, Eddy!"
Eddy: [with the diary] "Where am I supposed to put this–"
Jimmy: [nearing the top of the stairs] "You find a quiet place and stretch your muscles. Soothing."
Sarah: "Boy, that's stupid. C'mon, let's try on shoes, Jimmy."
Eddy: "Double D, think fast." [He heaves the book at Edd and it sails out the window.]
Edd: "Oh, that was brilliant, Eddy."
Ed: "I GOT IT!" [He jumps out the window, taking Edd with him. Eddy follows them.]
Jimmy: "He was such a cute squirrel, too."
[Sarah and Jimmy enter the room.]
Sarah: "Oh, no. ED!!!!! Wait till I get my hands on that–" [she begins to tear up] "–that–" [she breaks down] "My room's a wreck!"
Jimmy: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Sarah."
Sarah: "Oh, Jimmy!" [They hug.] "This is a full pager for my diary." [She realizes it's gone.] "MY DIARY!!!!!!!"
Edd: "Quickly! We need to find Sarah's diary, Eddy, or who knows what she'll do!"
Ed: [a look of fear on his face as he checks a grill] "I know what she'll do, and it won't be fresh linen."
Edd: "Well put, Ed."
Eddy: "Okay, enough looking."
Edd: "But Eddy, the diary." [Eddy drags his friends away.]
Ed: "I'm in my happy place, Double D!"

[Sarah and Jimmy are hunting through the remnants of Sarah's devastated room.]
Jimmy: "I'm sure it'll turn up, Sarah."
Sarah: "WHERE! IS! IT?!?!?"
Nazz: [outside] "Wow, Sarah. Can you, like, yell any louder?"
Sarah: "Take a hike, dollface." [Sarah leaves and Kevin appears.]
Jimmy: [explaining] "Sarah's diary is missing."
Nazz: "Oh man, that's horrible!"
Kevin: [sarcastic] "Yeah, a real drag."
Nazz: "No problem. Kevin and I can help you find it." [She elbows him and laughs.]
Kevin: "Aw, man..."

[The Eds are hiding in the lane.]
Edd: "No sign of Sarah, Eddy."
[They turn back to Eddy. Eddy's back is to them and he is looking at something and giggling. Eddy turns around, keeping his hands behind his back.]
Edd: "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"
Eddy: [sweating] "No." [Ed picks him up and holds him upside down.] "What's your problem?"
Edd: "Hand it over, Eddy."
Eddy: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Edd: "Ed?" [Ed shakes Eddy, and Sarah's diary falls out.] "Just as I thought. You ran off with Sarah's diary–that's saturated in drool! And its spine is bent! We can't return it in this condition!"
Eddy: "Good, 'cause I haven't started reading it yet!"
[Eddy grabs the diary and Edd. Edd is held upside down as Ed runs away with his friends.]
Ed: "I'm not in my happy place, guys!"
Edd: "I'm really not enjoying this, Eddy."
[Eddy plucks one of his hairs out and uses it to pick the lock on the diary.]
Edd: "Okay, I've had about enough now."
[Eddy opens the lock.]
Eddy: "Ta-da!"
Edd: [about to throw up] "Losing it! I'm losing it!" [Eddy drops Edd.]
Eddy: "Bingo! Take five, Lumpy."
Ed: "Double D lost it all over the ground, Eddy."
Eddy: [reading the diary as a dizzy Edd walks towards him and Ed] "Listen to this! 'Dear Diary, Double D is so cute. Last night, I dreamed that he gave me a horsie.' A horsie!"
Edd: "Me? And Sarah?"
Ed: "Sitting in a tree!"
Eddy: "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Ed: "Oh, look! An Eddy drawing!" [Eddy flips the page.] "And another!"
Eddy: "That ain't me!" [Eddy turns the pages more rapidly, revealing a flipbook.]
Edd: "Seems Sarah would like to pursue a career in animation." [The cartoon Eddy is walking through a field of dollar signs.]
Eddy: "What a loser." [The cartoon gets struck by lightning.]
Ed: "Oh, look! Eddy is a smudge!"
[A brick lands on the smudge, and Ed and Edd laugh. Eddy growls.]

[Sarah growls.]
Jimmy: "Don't worry, Sarah. See? We'll find your diary, honest."
[Kevin is looking through a trash can. He shakes his head, indicating nothing, and Nazz points him to the next.]
Rolf: [looking under a rock] "The space beneath the rock is vacant, She-Who-Gives-Migranes."
Sarah: [crying] "I want my diary!" [She runs away weeping.]
Kevin: "Speaking of vacant, anyone seen Dork, Dorkk and Dorky?"

[Eddy is in the lane, making fun of one of Ed's problems detailed in the diary.]
Eddy: "Wow, good thing that problem cleared up, huh Ed?" [He laughs.]
Edd: "Enough is enough, Eddy! My mind is riddled with unpleasant images! I implore you, please stop reading the diary!"
Kevin: "I knew it! You are busted!" [Eddy grabs him.] "What the–"

[Kevin is tied to a tree.]
Kevin: "Way to go, bucko. You've reached a new low in dork history."
Eddy: "Ha! Jealous? Hasta la vista, baby!"
Edd: "I do apologize for the abrupt accommodations, Kevin. C'est la vie!" [The Eds leave.]
Kevin: "This show needs subtitles."

Edd: [freaking out] "We've broken the law! Not only have we taken one's personal belongings, but, add to it, abduction, and detaining one against their will! What to do? What to do? I could use some help here!"
Ed: "I forget what we're doing." [Eddy shoots an annoyed look at him.]
Edd: "That's it! I suggest we sneak back to the house, we bury the book within its boundaries, and deceptively plead amnesia!"
Eddy: "I like that! Double D, that's so underhanded!"
Edd: "Oh, dear. You're right." [He claps his hands over his mouth.]
Eddy: "I'm rubbing off on ya, Double D."
Ed: "Happy place, happy place, happy place."
Edd: "Betrayed by my own vocabulary."

[The kids are still on the hunt for the diary. Eddy peers out from the lane. Edd is taping his mouth shut.]
Rolf: "Hello?"
Jimmy: "Wait for me, Sarah!"
Edd: "Bad mouth, bad!"
Ed: "Tape!"
Eddy: "The coast is clear! Let's move out!"
[The Eds head to Ed's backyard. Ed sets Edd on the ground. Edd's entire upper body is covered in tape.]
Ed: "Off you go, mister!" [Edd stumbles into the yard.]
Eddy: "Will you move it?" [He throws Ed around the side of the house and follows Ed off.] "Oh, this'll do fine."
[Eddy puts the book in a lawn chair and slams it shut. The chair immediately pops back open. Eddy tries again, with the same result. This is attempted two more times before Eddy puts his entire weight on it. This causes the book to shoot off out of the chair.]
Ed: [with a shovel] "Let's bury that book!" [The book comes at him.] "That book's attacking! Duck!"
[Ed ducks. Edd rips the tape off of his head.]
Edd: "I'm sweating!"
[The book catches him on the back of the head, knocking Edd over.]
Ed: "Are you all right, Double D?"
Edd: [removing the diary from his hat] "Well, I deserved that."
[Ed and Eddy suddenly develop looks of fear.]
Edd: "What?"
Sarah: "Hey, you! That's my diary!" [Sarah and Jimmy are right behind him.]
Ed: [clawing at the fence] "AAH! TROUBLE! RUN! BASTE THE TURKEY!"
Sarah: [snatching her diary] "You better not have read anything!"
Edd: "Me? Never!"
Eddy: "You should be happy we found it for ya, Sarah!"
Sarah: [reads a page] "There's drool stains all over these pages! YOU LOOKED AT MY DIARY!"
Eddy: "Way to go, Double D."
[Sarah advances, backing the Eds into a corner.]
Jimmy: "Well, it's been nice knowing you!"
Eddy: "Do something, Ed, she's your sister!"
Ed: "We are goners, Eddy!"
Jimmy: "Give 'em the ol' one, two, buckle my shoe, Sarah!"
Edd: "Isn't there anything we can do to make you feel better? Sarah?" [Eddy fishes in Edd's pocket.] "Can I help you?"
[Eddy pulls out a brick of the experimental gum.]
Eddy: "Got it!"
Edd: "She'll never go for the gum, Eddy!"
Eddy: [shoving the brick in Edd's mouth] "Shut up and start chewing!"
Ed: "Eddy, Sarah's getting closer!"
Eddy: "Faster, Double D! Chew, chew, c'mon!"
Edd: "My jaw's cramping."
Eddy: "Hurry, blow a bubble!"
Ed: "Blow a bubble, Double D!"
[Ed presses his mouth to Edd's and exhales, blowing a gigantic bubble inside of Edd. The Eds take flight.]
Eddy: "See you later, half-pint!"
Sarah: "Ed, you get back here or I'm telling mom!"
Ed: "Don't tell mom, Sarah!"
Edd: "I've got Ed germs!" [He exhales and sends the Eds plummeting.]
Ed: "Have mercy, child of the netherworld!"

[The Eds, Jonny, and Plank are in Ed's room, stuck to one another by gum. Sarah is writing in her diary in her nearly repaired room.]
Sarah's writing: "Dear Diary, my brother and that stupid Eddy got what they deserved today. Double D looked so innocent, but you know what they say; give those cute ones an inch and they'll take a mile."
Edd: "Once again, our day ends with the three of us–"
Eddy: "Stuck together in some nutty way, but wait! We have a guest tonight."
Ed: "I like the way Jonny's stuck."
Jonny: "Boy, Plank, how the heck did we ever end up here? If you weren't so scared of turning into chopsticks, we'd still be in China!"
Eddy: "Can somebody scrape this guy off my shoe? Please?"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide