Ed, Edd n Eddy

Ed: "Hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail, hammer a nail. How's it look, Eddy?" [The nails in his mouth fly upwards. We then get to see that Ed is hanging upside down off the roof.]
Eddy: "Ed, you put the sign on upside down!"
Ed: "No, I put the sign on the garage!"
Eddy: "Just flip it over, Ed."
Ed: "Flip it? Got it."
Edd: "I think I'm ready to tackle anything with my fine assortment of short and long, hard and soft hairbrushes." [A sudden grinding is heard, followed by a crashing thud.]
Ed: "I flipped it, Eddy!" [The sign is now indeed readable: Ed has flipped the entire garage.]
Edd: "Well, I can read it."
Eddy: "Ed's Pet Boutique is open for business!"

[The Eds are at Rolf's farm.]
Eddy: "Rolf's got tons of stinky animals."
Edd: [gleeful] "They're absolutely filthy! Ow!"
Ed: "Yes I am."
[Rolf is seen working metal. He holds up his piece, which is something in the shape of a chicken's foot.]
Rolf: "Goodbye." [He plunges the hot metal into a barrel of water. Steam rises, and he pulls the piece out. He then notices the Eds.] "Hello, sneaky Ed-boys. I am much too busy making shoes for my chickens, so no time for Rolf to talk. Work is good." [A shoe-clad chicken tries to move but is unable to.] "And good is a stomach full of Mama's cooked food. But you would not know this. Goodbye."
Edd: "We're here to assist you, Rolf, and Eddy–"
Eddy: "You got a lot of dirty animals there, Rolf, and we have the only pet-cleaning service in the neighborhood."
Ed: "I put up the sign!"
Eddy: "So, for a little green, we'll make your dirty, flea-infested animals clean!"
Edd: [worried] "Flea-infested?"
Rolf: "You must be poking my eggplant. That would give me more time to watch the curd rise from the cheese of my grandfather's back! Okay, Ed boys."

[Chicken after chicken goes by. We get to see that they are on a treadmill moving them through a cleaning apparatus operated by Edd.]
Edd: "One, two, rest! One, two, rest! One, two, rest! One two..."
[Ed walks by, carrying sponges. Seeing the chicken shower, he stops and looks.]
Ed: "Oh, a chicken shower! Cluck cluck cluck!"
Edd: [drying chickens on a line] "Ed, let the chickens bathe in privacy! You're embarrassing them!"
Ed: "Oops. Sorry." [He covers his eyes.] "Oops. Sorry. Um, I won't tell, okay?" [He slips on the floor.] "Sorry! Sorry. I promise I won't."
[Ed continues to try and leave, but the slippery floor makes it hard for him. Eddy, meanwhile, is shining the backside of a pig.]
Eddy: [looking at his reflection] "Who's that good looking guy?"
Ed: [cleaning a cow] "Look at those dirt spots, they're huge." [He is referring to the black spots placed all over the cow's body. He tries to clean one off. When that doesn't work, he uses two brushes. After that is unsuccessful, he puts his whole body into it.]
Eddy: [plopping down in a deck chair] "Keep up the good work, boys." [The chair closes on him.]
Ed: [referring to the spots] "I think they're painted on, Eddy."
Edd: [clipping a chicken's talons] "Eddy, don't you think this would be a good time to wash Victor?"
Eddy: "The goat? Yeah, yeah." [muttering] "You're worse than my mother."
[Eddy kicks a sprinkler to be positioned under Victor. The sprinkler turns on, washing Victor's underside.]
Ed: "Double D, where's the eyeliner?"
Edd: "Why in the world would you need eye–" [he gasps] "–liner!?" [Ed is putting makeup on the cow. Pushing Ed away] "Okay, Ed, I think the cow is clean now. But those poor rabbits have been calling for you all day!"
Ed: "Those aren't rabbits, those are bunnies!" [peeking into the cages] "Aw, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bunny! Time for a bath." [He opens the cages and rubs the bunnies on his face.] "Bunnies are so furry and so soft."
[Ed's eyes start to water and he sneezes. The rabbits sneak into his jacket and wend their way around Ed's body while Ed laughs. When the bunnies come out, there are four on his head.]
Ed: "Double D, how many bunnies was I supposed to clean?"
Edd: "Two, Ed."
Ed: "Okay." [counting the bunnies] "I'm stumped."
[Ed laughs, and the bunnies scamper away. Ed's nose then starts to twitch, and he lets go of a gigantic sneeze.]
Edd: "Ed, are you catching a cold? Colds are very contagious, and I'd be so peeved if I caught your cold!"
Ed: "I feel funny. Ah-ah–" [He grabs his nose and covers his mouth to keep the sneeze from escaping. This doesn't work: the sneeze instead makes his eyes bulge out.] "I sneezed." [Purple spots which turn into lumps appear all over his body.] "I'm mutating!"
[Various parts of Ed's body begin to swell. First it's his foot, then his nose, then his other foot. His hands swell up, and then the cycle repeats.]
Edd: "Eddy, Ed is showing strange symptoms. I'm concerned."
Eddy: "I've been concerned about Ed from the first day I met him."
Ed: [his entire body ballooning] "Aah! Whoa!"
Edd: "Um, Eddy?"
Eddy: "What, are we done?" [Edd points at Ed, who is lighter than air now.]
Edd: "Look!"
Ed: "Help! I am a blimp!"
Eddy: "Ed, you maniac! Get down from there!"
Ed: "Help me guys! Wow, I am so itchy."
Eddy: "Let's poke a hole in him and let the air out!"
Edd: "The pressure could cause him to explode."
Ed: "I am itchy. C'mon, guys!"
Eddy: "All right, all right." [balancing on Edd] "Here I come, butterball! Higher, Double D."
Ed: "Ah– ah–"
Eddy: [grabbing Ed's shoelace] "I got him I got him!"
Ed: "–CHOO!" [Eddy, holding on to Ed's shoelace, is whisked away.]
Edd: [not realizing Eddy is gone] "I can't hold you much longer, Eddy! My arms are about to give way to your great weight! OH, THE INSANITY!"
Eddy: [faraway] "DOUBLE D!" [Edd realizes he's holding up nothing but air. Eddy flies around the roof of the garage.] "HELP!"
Edd: "Okay. Okay. Oh dear. Physical activity." [standing in the middle of the garage] "We're about to make contact!"
[Eddy, being dragged along by Ed, runs into Edd. The resulting collision carries them out of the garage.]
Ed: "Look at me! I am a pigeon. A big pigeon."
Eddy: [clutching the shoelace with Edd] "Don't lay an egg, birdbrain!"
[Edd and Eddy bump against the ground two times. On the second touchdown, they furiously try to drag him back and make some headway.]
Ed: "I am a swan! A pretty swan."
Eddy: "We gotta figure out what's wrong with Bloat Boy."

Eddy: [twanging a rope] "Bingo!" [Ed is staked to the floor, tied down with ropes.] "This oughta hold ya." [to Edd] "All set, Double D!"
[Ed is hooked up to a complex data-gathering machine.]
Edd: [behind a screen] "Say it! Say it!"
Eddy: [his voice sounding as though it came from a speaker] "Paging Doctor Double D. Emergency. Paging the Head of Surgery, with all the top degrees. To the living room, STAT."
Edd: [decked out in full doctor regalia] "That was good, Eddy."
Eddy: "Whatever."
Edd: [reading data] "Interesting. This is very strange."
Ed: "I got a dart stuck to my head."
Edd: "Say ah, please."
Ed: "Ah, please." [He opens his mouth and lets his tongue hang out.]
Edd: "Flashlight, please." [to Eddy, who hasn't handed it over] "Eddy you're not paying attention. Flashlight, please."
Eddy: "Oh yeah, flashlight." [finding one in Edd's doctor bag] "Flashlight."
Edd: "Thank you, nurse."
Eddy: [miffed] "Nurse?"
Ed: "Nurse Eddy." [He laughs, and Edd sticks the flashlight in his mouth.]
Edd: "Close please." [Ed obediently shuts his mouth.] "Lights please, Nurse."
[Eddy grumpily outs the lights. The flashlight illuminates Ed's body from the inside, allowing us to see his skeleton, which has enlarged to fit his new form.]
Edd: "Lights please." [He writes on a clipboard.]
Ed: "What is wrong with me, Doctor Surgeon Head?"
Edd: [thinking] "Just one more test." [He holds a bunny up to Ed.]
Ed: "Oh look, it's a bun-" [He begins to inhale air in a manner that suggests a sneeze.]
Eddy: "HE'S GONNA BLOW! RUN FOR IT!" [Eddy and Edd dive behind a couch. Ed sneezes explosively.]
Edd: "Oh my."
Ed: [dazed] "Double Doctor D?"
Edd: "You appear to be allergic to rabbits, Ed."
Eddy: "So now what, Doctor Double Meat-Patty?"
Edd: "We'll have to treat him immediately, Eddy."
Ed: "Scratch me, I am itchy!"

[Ed laughs as Edd spreads a cream on him.]
Edd: "We'll have you back to normal in no time, Ed!"
Ed: "Gravy!"
Edd: "More cold cream, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Coming right up, Doctor Doublemint!" [He flings a spoonful of cold cream onto Ed.]
Edd: [sarcastic] "Oh, that's real good, Eddy. That should really–" [A huge amount of cream falls on Edd, covering him.]
Eddy: [with a snow shovel] "Shout if you need more!"
Ed: "Guys! I am still itchy. Um, my mom always uses talcum powder for itching."
Edd: "Eddy, could you please fill the talcum powder dispenser?"
Eddy: "Yeah, yeah." [muttering] "But you better not call me Nurse."
Edd: [taking the dispenser] "Thank you, Eddy."
Eddy: [noting the dispenser's small size] "That's gonna take forever!"
Edd: "Yes, but it will provide an even, equal distribution."
Eddy: [dumping the container of powder in front of a fan] "Time is money, Double D. And I love money!"
Edd: [fighting the artificial wind] "EDDY!"
Ed: [after the dust clears] "I smell pretty. How come I'm still big, guys?"
Edd: "Ice should reduce the swelling."
Eddy: "Bingo, Sockhead!"

Eddy: [holding an ice bag] "This ice bag should do it."
Edd: "And, with my modifications to this refrigerator, we'll have plenty of ice!"
[Edd is holding a hose with a funnel at the end. The other end of the hose leads into the fridge's ice dispenser. Edd turns it on, and ice comes out of the hose, flying into the ice bag.]
Eddy: "You'll be back to your gruesome self in no time, Ed."
Ed: [shivering] "Whatever you say, Ed-d-d-dy."
Eddy: [now with enough ice] "All right, Double D. Hold it. Stop. Give it up." [losing his patience] "ENOUGH WITH THE ICE ALREADY!"
Edd: [unable to control his machine] "I've seemed to miscalculate the cubic sheet velocity through a circular extension!"
Eddy: [getting pelted with ice] "Double D!" [He falls off Ed.]
[Edd stumbles backwards, presumably into the fridge, as the flow of ice shuts off.]
Eddy: "Quit fooling around, Double–whoa!" [Ed starts to shrink.] "Should've thought of this in the first place."
Edd: "We need to protect you from those allergies, Ed."
Ed: [back to normal] "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care."

[Ed is in a cardboard box, wearing work boots and surgical gloves.]
Edd: "This allergenic containment center should take care of you, Ed."
Ed: "Bring them on."
Eddy: "We've wasted too much time! Let's get these animals back to Rolf so we can collect our loot."
[Eddy hauls up the garage door to reveal a garage stuffed to the brim with rabbits.]
Ed: "I'll take the one on the left."
Edd: "Seems like Mr. and Mrs. Bunny have been practicing the multiplication table."
Ed: "Oh no."
[The bunnies explode from the tightly packed garage, avalanching in a wave of rabbity fur.]
Eddy: "Avalanche!"

[Jonny and Plank are playing cards in the lane. Jonny's eyes shift from side to side.]
Jonny: "Got any fours, Plank?"
[The rabbits are seen building up and topping the fence.]
Jonny: "Go fish? Are you holding out, Plank?"
[The rabbits' combined mass becomes too much for the fence. The fence topples over, letting the bunnies swarm freely.]
Jonny: "Plank! I told you bunnies would take over the world, and they have!" [He surfs the wave of rabbits using Plank as a board.] "Lucky we prepared for this day, huh Plank?"

[Kevin is riding his bike. He suddenly sees something that makes him stop and turn around.]
Kevin: "What the–"
[The something is, of course, the massive riot of rabbits. They pursue him, and the wave overtakes him swiftly.]

[Sarah and Jimmy are playing on the teeter-totter in the playground.]
Sarah: "Whee!"
Jimmy: "This is fun. Whee!" [He finds a bunny on his side of the ride.] "Look Sarah, a bunny!"
Sarah: "That must be Rolf's."
Jimmy: [with too many bunnies on his side] "Sarah! Bunny attack!"
Sarah: "Jimmy!"
[The playground is covered in a sea of rabbits, leaving Sarah stranded on her side of the teeter-totter, which is now up forever.]

[The Eds are sitting on a couch in front of a TV.]
Eddy: "Anything good on, Double D?"
Edd: [looking through a copy of Tube (aka TV Guide) magazine] "Ooh! There's a documentary on mollusks."
Ed: "Boring! How about, 'Bard! Defender of the Bunyon People'?"
[Various cries for help from the children of the cul-de-sac are heard.]
[We now see that the Eds are on the roof of the house, the sole survivors among the sea of bunnies.]
Kevin: "Hey dorks!"
Eddy: "Man, some people are so inconsiderate."
[The cartoon irises out as a few bunnies manage to escape into the black screen.]
Sarah: "ED!"

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide