Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Ed and Eddy walk from one room into another, snickering all the way.]
Edd: "We're not allowed to play up here, fellas!"
[His friends sneak into another room, but he doesn't see them.]
Edd: "I repeat, upstairs is off limits!"
[A breaking sound is heard. Edd turns around and approaches a door]
Edd: "This is not good." [He flings the door open, a hand over his eyes.] "You're trespassing in my parents' bedroom! Please leave now or I'll have to call an attorney!"
Eddy: [imitating Edd's mother in bed] "Eddward! Must your father and I remind you to finish your homework?"
Ed: [as Edd's father in the other bed] "That is right, son. A mind is a terrible organ to shovel."
Edd: "HAVE YOU GONE MAD?" [He attempts to pull Ed from the bed, then checks his arm.] "My blood sugar seems a tad low."
[Eddy snickers.]
Edd: "EDDY, YOU'RE CONTAMINATING MOTHER'S LINEN WITH MILLIONS OF DEAD SKIN CELLS!" [Eddy dives beneath the sheets.] "If you two only knew the regimen of cleaning procedures that you've set into place–"
Eddy: "Woohoo!" [He is spinning on a rotatable mirror.] "Jane, stop this crazy thing!" [The lump in the middle of the bedspread collapses.]
Ed: "Look what I found!" [He pops out of a drawer.] "Sticky notes!"
Edd: "You put those back!"
Eddy: "You're in trouble, Ed!" [He runs away gleefully.]
Ed: "I'm a bad boy!" [Ed follows Eddy away, putting sticky notes on him as they run.] "Sticky note! Sticky note! Sticky note!"
Edd: "Downstairs immediately!" [Ed's tongue hits Edd in the face. Edd pulls it away to reveal a sticky note with "stiky note" written on it.] "Your spelling's atrocious, Ed."
[Eddy comes by in a rowboat.]
Eddy: "Row! Row! Row! Row!"
Edd: "Eddy, you're scratching the floor!"
Eddy: "Row! And–"
Ed: "My turn!" [He leaps on Eddy.] "Boing!"
Eddy: [hitting Ed with a paddle] "Smack!"
Ed: [flying] "Whoosh!"
Edd: [chasing] "Pant pant pant pant."
Ed: "Ha ha!" [Ed crashes in a closet.] "Oop."
Edd: [looking wildly for him] "Where'd he go? Where'd he go?"
Ed: "Look what I found!"
Edd: "NO, NOT THAT!"
Ed: "Bubble wrap." [He pops a bubble, damaging the ceiling.]
Edd: "Ed!"
Ed: "Cool!" [He then pulls a whole sheet out. The object wrapped inside the bubble wrap comes out and falls on Edd's head, earning a laugh from Eddy.] "What was that?"
Eddy: "It's a hunk of baloney, Ed. What are ya?"
Edd: [slightly dazed] "Baloney? Please." [He strains to lift it.] "It's–the–ancestral fruitcake!"
Eddy: "Looks like you got competition, Ed." [Ed grins at this.]
Edd: "For decades, we parade the cake every Christmas!"
[Ed, suddenly alert, presses on top of Edd's head to rewind.]
Edd: "For decades, we parade the cake every Christmas!" [Ed rewinds again.] "Every Christmas!"
Ed: [excited] "Christmas, Eddy! I want a flying saucer, a pen and pencil set, four egg rolls, a subscription to Chunky Puff Quarterly, a box of Band-Aids, a big book, and…um…"
Eddy: "Get over it, Ed. It's July! Anyways, Christmas stinks. All I ever get is clothes."
Ed: "That's 'cause Santa knows you're a naughty little boy, Eddy."
Eddy: [trying to bite Ed] "Santa don't know squat!"
Ed: [grabs Eddy by the mouth in a panic] "DON'T EVER SAY THAT, EDDY! Santa is making his list and checking it twice." [Sleigh bells are heard.] "SANTA!" [Ed laughs merrily.]
Eddy: "You're scaring me, Ed." [He goes to the window and looks out.] "Hey! You there!"
[Sarah and Jimmy are running somewhere, piggy banks tucked under their arms.]
Eddy: [when they look up] "Yes you, with the piggy banks! Where you guys going?"
Sarah: [grumpily] "Don't bother, Eddy. I forget where we're going."
Jimmy: "We're going to a party, silly." [to Eddy] "It's Piggy Bank Day! Gee whillikers, Eddy, you know. The day where everyone cracks open their piggy banks and spends all their money?"
Sarah: "Why don't you tell him your shoe size, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Why?" [Sarah pulls him away.]
Edd: "Of course, it's Piggy Bank Day!"
Eddy: "Now that's what I call a holiday! Piggy banks, money, and spending. 'Tis the season, Double D."
Ed: [holding a sprig of mistletoe] "Do you see what I see?" [He puckers up.]
Eddy: "Where'd you get that mistletoe in July?!"
Edd: "There's no kissing allowed in my parents' room, Ed!"
Eddy: [using Edd as a shield] "You take care of Ed, Double D. I've got another nut to crack. Or should I say, piggy bank." [He leaves.]
Edd: [backing away from Ed] "Ed, please! Someone may be watching!"

[The kids are at the piggy bank party, playing.]
Jonny: [coming up to Nazz] "Snort snort snort!"
Nazz: "Oink oink to you too!" [They look at Kevin.]
Kevin: "Oink. Yeah, whatever."
[We then look at Jimmy, who is crying. He has a mallet poised over his bank.]
Jimmy: "Oh the agony! And the ecstasy!"
Sarah: "Hit it, Jimmy! Smash it into tiny pieces!"
Jimmy: "The guilt's too great for one person to bear, Sarah." [Ed is seen hanging Christmas lights in the background, only to fall off the ladder.]
Sarah: "Well, then, let's do it together!"
Jimmy: "Okay!"
Sarah: [helping lift the hammer] "Upsa-daisy!"
Eddy: "Greetings, fellow grungers! Tired of the cleanup when all your piggy-smashing's done?" [He and Edd are on a vehicle with a giant metal pig on it.]
Kevin: "Check it out, guys. It's Dork and Beans!"
Edd: [not getting the reference] "Beans? An edible seed?"
Eddy: [hopping out] "Our Piggy-Bank Belly-Pumper will extract your cash without you having to smash."
Jimmy: "Really? Sarah! I can cancel my therapy!"
Ed: [as an elf with a gift box] "Not yet, for it is Christmas and I bear stuff." [He bends down, gets confused, then remembers what he was going to do.] "Oh yeah." [He reaches into the box and pulls out a shovel with red stripes painted on it.] "Who wants a jumbo candy cane?"
Kevin: "It's July, bonehead."
Ed: "And a partridge in a pear–" [Eddy smacks Ed in the face with the shovel.]
Eddy: "What can I tell ya? Now, who wants their piggy-bank belly pumped?"
Jimmy: "Um, I'm not sure…"
Eddy: "First customer gets a discount." [He takes the piggy bank.]
Kevin: "Oh, this is gonna be good."
Eddy: "Don't blink." [He pushes a button, and the bank is cleaned.]
Jonny: "Shazam."
Nazz: "Cool!"
Eddy: "Now hang on to your snouts, 'cause after this patented suction cycle, your–" [a sock descends next to him] "–hard-earned Christmas stocking will come out here." [He realizes what he said.]
Ed: [pinning another stocking to the side of the machine] "Stocking ready for stuffing, Santa!"
Eddy: "Ed! [removes the stockings] Beat it or I'll stuff your sock!"
Ed: "But Eddy, I am an elf." [He hears something from inside the machine.]
Edd: "Oh, curse my gullibility."
Ed: "For shame." [louder] "Santa, spare him!" [He rips away the side of the belly-pumper, revealing Edd with a hammer about to smash Jimmy's piggy bank.]
Kevin: "Hello."
Ed: "Naughty boy, Double D."
Jimmy: "My piggy!"
Edd: "Oh, I'm so ashamed!" [He bursts into tears.]
Ed: "There, there. Santa forgives."
[As a poor and guilt-ridden Edd continues to cry tears of shame, the kids angrily stare at Eddy.]
Eddy: [trying to absolve himself of any guilt] "Oh, how could you, Double D! It's his hat. It's too tight. Cuts off the circulation, you know."
[The kids continue to stare at him in disbelief.]
Ed: [in Eddy's face] "Santa sees all. A lump of coal for naughty Eddy. Alley-oop." [to Jimmy] "Here's your piggy back bank–um–back Jimmy. Merry Christmas!"
Jimmy: [shaking the pig] "Piggy's belly's full, Sarah!"
Kevin: "It's better to give–"
Nazz: "Than to receive, Ed."
Kevin: "That's why I'm giving Eddy a knuckle sandwich!"
Rolf: "Kevin! Air mail!" [He throws Wilfred at Kevin.] "I must feast my eyes on the sow of Christmas past." [Rolf is staring at the Piggy-Bank Belly-Pumper.]
Kevin: "It's not Christmas, Rolf."
Eddy: "It's July!"
Rolf: "Not since Rolf's youth has the foul odor of the Christmas sow taunted Rolf's nostrils!" [Wilfred squeals.]
Jonny: "That's the spirit, Wilfred!"
Rolf: "The scrolls proclaim, 'Every time a pig squeals an angel gets its–'"
Jonny: "I'm a pig too, Wilfred." [bending down to the pig's level] "See my snout?" [Wilfred attacks.] "Aaah! Uncle! Uncle!"
Eddy: "Christmas stinks."
Rolf: "Come! Gather round Rolf, as I cannot contain the Christmas mirth crawling up my back hair! Merry Christmas, Jonny wood-boy." [He hands Jonny a yo-yo.]
Jonny: "For me?"
Kevin: "You feeling all right, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Merry Christmas, Kevin." [He gives Kevin a unicycle.]
Jimmy: "Presents?"
Rolf: "Jimmy."
Jimmy: "Whee! Just what I've always wanted!"
[Rolf has handed over one of his shoes. It is then shown that he has given his clothes as gifts.]
Nazz: "Uh, gee, thanks, Rolf."
Ed: [to Rolf, who is in his underwear] "Merry Christmas, Rolf!"
Eddy: [thoroughly annoyed] "IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!"
Kevin: [getting into the spirit] "Who's up for eggnog?" [The kids begin to follow him to his place.]
Nazz: "Oh, me!"
Jonny: "I'm up, so is Plank!"
Sarah: "Wait for me!"
Rolf: [carrying Wilfred] "Chestnuts. I must have chestnuts."

[Edd is squatting in the ruined scam, crying tears of misery. A hand taps him on the shoulder.]
Jimmy: "Double D?" [He holds out his piggy bank.] "Merry Christmas."
Edd: [wiping tears from his eyes] "Jimmy? Why um, thank you, but I couldn't." [He pushes the pig away.]
Jimmy: [miffed, offering it again] "But it's Christmas."
Eddy: [bounding up] "Wait! I'll take it. Merry Christmas, Jimmy!"
Sarah: [coming back for Jimmy] "Hit the road, Scrooge!" [She pulls Jimmy away.]
Eddy: "I don't get it."
Edd: "Don't you see, Eddy? The spirit of Christmas isn't in getting presents; it's about giving joy! Goodwill! And peace on Earth!"
Eddy: [having an idea] "I got it! So what are we waiting for, Double D? I know how to get the gift that keeps on giving." [He pulls Edd away.]
Edd: "Sounds like Mother's brussel sprouts."

[The sound of sleigh bells is heard, and Nazz opens her door. There is snow falling.]
Nazz: "Do you hear it, Kevin?"
[They look up and see Ed on the roof. Ed is scratching his head, and his dandruff is falling like snow.]
Ed: "Fah-laky!" [He laughs.] "Ho ho ho!"
Kevin: "Get off the roof, ya–"
Edd and Eddy: [singing] "Jingle bells, jingle bells, giving joy all day–" [Ed falls off the roof.]
Eddy: [seeing Nazz giggle, he pulls out his money jar] "We made you laugh, so give up your cash, and cheer will come your way!" [Nazz shakes a few quarters from her piggy bank into the jar.] "Bingo."

[The Eds are in Jimmy's house.]
The Eds: "Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Give us cash or we'll never stop singing, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la."
[More quarters drop into the jar.]

[The Eds are at a door, singing.]
The Eds: "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christ–" [The door opens and Edd and Eddy stop.]
Ed: "–mas, we wish you a merry Christmas, so give us some cash!"
[The Eds are at Rolf's house. Rolf has decorated with various meats. As Edd leaves after Ed finishes the song, Eddy holds the jar out worriedly.]
Rolf: [putting bacon in the jar] "No cash. A fine strip of bacon, yes?" [Eddy gives off a look of annoyance.]

Ed: [decorating a Christmas tree] "Am I a good elf, Double D?"
Edd: [helping] "Santa would be proud, Ed. You did a wonderful thing by bringing the spirit of Christmas to the cul-de-sac."
Ed: "That is 'cause I'm an elf, Double D."
[A large Santa bag hops its way into the park where Ed and Edd are.]
Eddy: [lifting the bag] "I'm back! Surprise!" [He heaves the bag onto a tree stump and dives in.]
Ed: "What'd I get, what'd I get?"
Eddy: [popping up with a jawbreaker] "I love Christmas!"
Edd: [happy] "Eddy! Jawbreakers?"
Eddy: "A yuletide haul, Double D."
Edd: "It's absolutely magnificent! Oh, Eddy, you shouldn't have."
Eddy: "Had to cash in that jar of Christmas cheer, you know." [Ed steals the jawbreaker.]
Edd: "Ed, that's my jawbreaker!"
Eddy: "Relax, Double D. There's plenty more where that–" [He looks at the now empty tree stump.] "WHERE'D THEY GO?"
Ed: [offscreen] "And what would you like for Christmas, young man?" [Ed has taken the bag and is playing Santa.]
Jimmy: "A jawbreaker."
Ed: [stuffing one in Jimmy's mouth] "There you go!"
Jimmy: "Yummy!"
Eddy: "ED!" [He looks around the lane.]
Rolf: "Jawbreaker is good, yes?" [Rolf feeds one to Wilfred. All the kids are enjoying them.]
Eddy: [despairing] "HE GAVE AWAY ALL MY JAWBREAKERS!" [He races at Ed in a rage.]
Edd: [trying to hold Eddy back] "Eddy, wait! You're wearing out the soles of my shoes!" [Edd loses his grip.]
Ed: "Ho ho ho!" [He looks in the bag.]
Eddy: "Ed!" [He dives at Ed, but Ed moves to the side, and Eddy hits the Christmas display.]
Ed: "And one for the elf. I gave jawbreakers to all, so to all a good night." [Eddy gets back up and attempts to attack Ed again, only to bounce off and fall back to the ground. Ed smiles as a snowflake iris fades the screen to black.]

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide