Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed/Script

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Script

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[Two sock puppets are fighting with each other.]
Ed: [providing voices] "Yee-rar. Rar rar rar. Raarr!"
Eddy: "Ed, pay attention!" [gesturing to a kiddie pool] "Here, I see the ninth hole. With a jump over the water, and a spiral twist to the hole. Now, where to put the cart rentals?"
Ed: "Devour Stinky Sock. Yap yap yap."
Eddy: "Gimme those socks." [Ed blows a raspberry.] "Why you–!" [He leaps on Ed, and they begin to fight.]
Ed: [while fighting] "Gimme my sock! Gimme my sock! I want my sock!"
Edd: [tinkering with a machine] "I think I've done it!"
Ed: "Double D!" [He stops fighting Eddy and runs over to Edd.] "Donuts! Can I lick the bowl, Double D?" [Edd plugs the machine in.]
Edd: "Voilà! The Eds' Miniature Golf Course is open for business!" [Edd has created an imposing monster.]
Ed: "Cool."
Eddy: [leaping onto Ed] "Good work, Double D. The kids'll line up for blocks and we'll be independently secure. Let's break it in!"
Edd: "But Ed-deeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
[Eddy spins Edd away and tees up, using Ed's head as the tee. He pulls out a club and swings, driving a divot. He looks for the ball, but doesn't see it. When he looks down, Ed's head has disappeared.]
Eddy: "Huh? Oh, no!" [Ed pops his head out of his jacket.]
Ed: "My turn!" [He sucks the ball back and stands up. He then spits it out and swings the club like a baseball bat. The club flies out of his hands and hits the monster machine dead center, destroying it.] "Fore."
Edd: "All my hard work."
Eddy: "What planet are you from?"
Ed: [hugging Eddy] "I come in peace, Eddy!"
Edd: [examining the machine] "Well, the rods are shot, and it'll probably take me weeks to find another box."
Ed: [with the sock puppet] "How come Double D's so smart about stuff?"
Eddy: [sarcastic] "Because he's not human."
Ed: [gasping] "DOUBLE D'S NOT HUMAN? No way."
Eddy: [getting an idea] "I…thought you knew. Have you ever known anyone that smart?"
[Ed thinks.]
Eddy: [impatient] "Well?"
Ed: "If Double D's not human, what is he?"
Eddy: [concocting a story] "You didn't hear this from me, but…deep in the earth's core, in a top-secret lab, a mad scientist conducted cross-breeding experiments!"
Ed: "Do tell!"
Eddy: "By combining a terrifying lizard with a sweet boy, thus creating…the Lizardman!" [Edd examines the mechanical monster's teeth, making it appear like it's chewing.] "See that hat? He hides his gills under it."
Ed: [running off] "Must touch gills!"
[Eddy collapses to the ground, laughing.]

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[Edd is working on the machine. As he does so, Ed comes over and tries to lift his hat.]
Edd: "Respect my personal space, please." [Ed is miffed, but Eddy just giggles.] "Thank you."
[Eddy points downwards, and Ed attempts again, from another angle. Edd turns around and thwacks him with a ruler. Eddy tries to hold in his laughter while Ed sucks on his swollen hand.]
Edd: "You're on thin ice, mister!" [A timer in his pocket rings.] "My cocoons need tending." [He goes off to tend to his cocoons.]
Eddy: "What'd I tell ya?"
Ed: "Hurry, Eddy!" [Ed runs around the corner, but is stopped and pulled back by Eddy.]
Eddy: "Quiet, Burrhead! We're not alone." [He points to Sarah and Jimmy.]
Ed: "No, we're not."
Eddy: "Yes, we are. Double D made Sarah and Jimmy from a praying mantis and a stinkbug! Double D changed Rolf, too." [He and Ed look at the shepherd's son.] "Look at him! He's a picnic ant!"
Ed: "I smell chickens, Eddy." [A fly lands on his nose, and he goes to flick it off.]
Eddy: "Ed, don't! You almost squashed more of Double D's handiwork!"
Ed: "I must find the Lizardman, Eddy!"
[Ed runs off, dragging Eddy behind him.]

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[Edd is in his garage, tending a complex experiment. Ed and Eddy look in.]
Eddy: "See? Now he's making a Cockroach Kid."
[Ed observes closely, especially regarding the notes Edd makes. Every time something is scribbled down, Ed takes careful notice of what has been written.]
Edd: [noticing Ed's presence] "Ed. It's impolite to stare."
[Ed proceeds to sniff Edd's hat and arm before making a declaration.]
Ed: "He is not of this earth, Eddy!"
Edd: [confused] "What? Is it my breath?" [He goes in to brush his teeth.]
Ed: "I saw his tail!"
Eddy: [chuckling before he recovers himself] "His tail is dangerous. But watch out for the death rays he shoots from his eyes!" [He pretends to be stricken.] "Protect yourself. With this!" [He gives Ed a mirror.]
Ed: [to his reflection] "Hello, my name is Ed."
Eddy: "But be cautious! Who knows what evil he's plotting as we speak?"

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[Edd is in his bathroom, brushing his teeth. Eddy kicks the door open.]
Edd: "Hi, guys."
Ed: "Does he bite?"
[The lights flicker on and off. Eddy is controlling the light switch to unnerve Ed.]
Eddy: "He's attacking, Ed!"
[Edd is heading towards them, mouth full of foam.]
Edd: "Hi guys, hi. What are you guys doing?"
Eddy: "Ed, the mirror! Use the mirror!"
[Ed sticks the mirror into Edd's mouth.]
Ed: "Run away, run away!" [He and Eddy exit the bathroom.] "We are doomed, Eddy!" [Ed is alone now.] "Eddy?"
Eddy: [offscreen] "ED, HELP! HE'S GOT ME!"
[Ed rushes around the corner to find Eddy's clothes in a heap on the floor.]
Ed: "No. Not Eddy. TAKE ME, LIZARDMAN!"
Edd: [coming up behind Ed] "Why are Eddy's clothes lying on my floor? Is he running around naked again?!"
Ed: "Surrender, Lizard-thing!" [He grabs Edd.] "Give me the antidote!"
Edd: "What antidote? Have you lost your–" [Ed drops him.]
Ed: "Am I the only human left? I am alone. I AM HUNGRY!" [He runs away.]
Edd: [chasing him] "Ed, wait! I can make you a sandwich!"
[After his friends leave, Eddy peeks out from around another corner. He has folded his body up to fit in a bucket and crawls around with his fingers.]
Eddy: [mocking] "Ooh, I'm a bug! Help me, Ed!" [He laughs.] "What a sap!"

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Ed: [leaving the house screaming] "Run away!"
Edd: "Ed, please! Soup is filling!" [He runs into Ed, who has stopped. Ed pulls Edd up.]
Nazz: "Hi, Ed. Hi, Double D. I'm having a barbecue this afternoon. Would you like to come?"
Edd: [turning away] "I'd be delighted."
Nazz: "How about you, Ed? Lots of food."
Edd: "Yes, join us, Ed."
Nazz and Edd: "Join us, Ed. Join us, Ed. Join us, Ed."
Ed: "Okay, I give up! It's no fun being the last human! So can I be a bumblebee?"
[Nazz, confused, looks at Edd, who just turns away.]

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[Eddy is wiggling down the hall.]
Eddy: "Eddy, you're the man with the scam. You're the big–" [He has walked onto the stairs.] "Uh–"
[Eddy goes tumbling down the stairs.]
Ed: [outside] "So if I join you at the party, can I be a tarantula? Or maybe a salamander?"
Eddy: "Party? Wait!" [He tries to get out of the bucket.] "Hey! I'm stuck! Ed! Don't forget Cockroach Eddy!"

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[A mosquito flies over Kevin and settles on his nose. Kevin, seeing this, flicks the bug onto a hot dog sizzling on a grill. He then spears the sausage.]
Nazz: [offscreen] "Hey, guys."
Kevin: "Who's up for a dog?" [A giant ham lands on the grill.]
Rolf: "Your puny wieners are no match for Rolf's hunger."
Kevin: "How long's this cook for?"
Rolf: [taking it off the grill] "Done."
Sarah: [at a picnic table] "Yummy! Hot dogs!"
Jimmy: [about to bite into a mustard-covered dog] "I love franks!" [He goes to eat, and the hot dog bounces off his retainer.] "Woe is me."
Jonny: [enjoying himself] "I can't take my eyes off Jimmy either, Plank!"
Edd: "Jonny! Have you seen Ed?" [Ed's finger suddenly starts poking at Edd's head.]
Ed: "Buzz, buzz, buzz."
Edd: "Oh, hello, Ed."
Ed: "I picked a mosquito, as I am ready to be transformed and join your colony."
Sarah: "What an idiot."
Ed: [flapping his "wings"] "Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz." [He stops, hearing something.]
Eddy: [hiding around the side of the house] "Ed! C'mere, quick!"
Ed: "Eddy! You look good for a cockroach."
Eddy: "Knock it off, fleabrain! And get this bucket off!"
Ed: [picking Eddy up] "Let me take you to your people!"
Eddy: "Wait!"
Nazz: [approaching with a platter of drinks] "Hi Ed, would you like a–" [mistakes Eddy for an actual cockroach] "-BUG!"
Ed: [thinking the bug is on him] "Where? Get it off!"
Nazz: "Crush it!" [She swings the tray at Eddy, and Eddy lands on the grill in front of Rolf and Kevin.]
Rolf: "Look! Dessert!"
[Rolf tries to bean it with his ham, but he instead hits the barbecue and sends Eddy flying towards the house. The kids shout to squash the bug, and Eddy, seeing that things will get worse if he sticks around, goes through a basement window in order to hide.]
Jimmy: "What does it want?"
Rolf: "It took refuge in your cellar."
Kevin: "It was huge!"
Nazz: [as hysteria sets in] "Do something!"
Rolf: "Yes, good, for as Papa would say, the shoe is mightier than Mama's stuffed pepper." [He removes his right shoe.]
Ed: "But it's one of you!"
Rolf: "I don't know about you. Quickly, before it lays eggs!"

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[Rolf opens the door to a completely dark cellar.]
Rolf: "Stay close, as it may try to crawl up your pant leg."
Jimmy: "I'm having a panic attack, Sarah!"
Sarah: "It's okay, Jimmy. You and I can stay here."
Rolf: "Yes, as you wish. Will there be any more crybabies?"
Jonny: "Plank has a tummyache!"
Ed: "Let the transformation begin!"
[The kids turn to stare at Ed, and Edd grins nervously to apologize for his friend.]
Rolf: "Follow Rolf!"
Ed: "Follow Rolf!"
Jimmy: "Smack it once for me!"

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[The party heads down the stairs.]
Rolf: "Stay together, for it may try to ambush you and suck out your marrow!"
Edd: "Um, shouldn't we just find the light switch?" [The kids are being guided by Kevin's flashlight.]
[Cockroach Eddy skitters across the floor, seeking refuge. Rolf sniffs the air.]
Rolf: "Do you hear it? Kevin, shine your moonbox. There."
[Kevin complies, and slowly plays the light around the room. He stops between the heater and a desk. Eddy jumps out into the light and screams. He skitters away.]
Nazz: "It's so gross!"
Kevin: "There it goes!"
Rolf: "In honor of my ancestors!" [He dives behind the desk.] "Shaklaham!"
[Rolf proceeds to beat up the cockroach while the kids watch and listen.]
Ed: "Whoa, Rolf's pretty good for a picnic ant." [Edd finds the light switch and turns it on.]
Edd: "Much better."
[Rolf stops the beating and lifts Eddy.]
Rolf: "This is no bug."
Nazz: "Is that… Eddy?"
Kevin: "Hit him again!"
Ed: [taking Eddy] "Double D transformed Eddy into a cockroach." [The kids turn to look at Edd.]
Edd: "I honestly haven't a clue!"
Kevin: "You got that right!" [He and the other kids leave.]
Edd: "Could you please help me out here?"
Eddy: "Forget about it! JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS BUCKET!"
Rolf: [just outside] "Are they from this planet?"
Kevin: [at the top of the stairs] "Nope. They're from the Land of the Dorks."
Edd: "Could someone please tell me what's going on?" [Kevin turns out the light.] "Well?"
Ed: "Basement."
Eddy: "Foot."
[Ed gags.]

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