Ed, Edd n Eddy

Eddy: [running a scam] "This'll just take a second, Jimmy boy. Are you boring?"
Jimmy: "Gee, Eddy, I uh–"
Eddy: "Boring! Good!" [He checks it off on a clipboard.] "Do you lack a life?"
Jimmy: "I, I've really got to–"
Eddy: "Check! Pay attention, curlicue! Are you unconshe–unconshi–" [He shows the checklist to Edd, who is dressed as a clown.]
Edd: "Unconscious, Eddy."
Eddy: "Dead from the neck up?"
[Jimmy stays silent.]
Eddy: "Check! Congratulations." [He shoves the clipboard in Jimmy's face.] "You're dull! Why strain to be funny? You just need to rent a clown." [He points to the sign.] "Our new out-of-the-box clowns are guaranteed to get rib-cracking laughs or your money back." [He swats Edd's box.]
Edd: "I'm so embarrassed."
Eddy: "Laugh, clown, laugh." [He hands Edd a horn, and Edd toots it.] "Woo hoo hoo! Ain't he a riot?"
Jimmy: [walking away, confused] "Sarah?" [The other kids take notice of the scam.]
Eddy: [setting up a cream pie] "I can see you're perplexed. How 'bout a free demo? Slappy."
Edd: "Slappy?"
[Ed, also a clown, pushes Edd into the pie.]
Ed: "Howdy, kids! It's me, Slappy!" [He toots the horn, which has landed on Edd's upturned butt.]
Edd: "Oh, dear." [Ed lets out another honk.] "Oh, my."
Kevin: [unimpressed] "Clowns? Is that the best you could come up with? That's so dork star, I swear." [Eddy looks behind him and snickers upon laying his eyes on a tiny car.]
Rolf: "Rolf comes from a long line of village buffoons, Kevin. Do not mock the clown."
Kevin: "You're kidding, right?"
Edd: "AAAH!" [He and Ed are jammed into the car. They hit a fence.]
Ed: "It's me again, Slappy!"
Edd: "Heavens!"
Ed: "Slappy I am!"
[The car zooms off out of control.]
Edd: "Not again. Eddy! Help!"
[The car knocks Jonny over and hits a lamppost. It disappears around a corner as the lamppost falls to the ground.]
Edd: "Help!" [offscreen] "Oh. No! Please!"
Eddy: "Is that gold or what?" [The kids look at him angrily.] "What is this, the cul-de-sac of the living dead? This is funny stuff here!" [The kids walk away.]

[The car comes to Ed's door.]
Ed: "Slap slap happy slappy!"
[The car hits the doorstep and overturns, tossing away the costumes. Eddy walks up.]
Eddy: [grumpy] "Ingrates!" [He pulls Edd out of the car.] "Will you guys quit fooling around?!"
[Eddy falls against the wall of Ed's house, and a package falls out of the mailbox.]
Edd: "Are you all right, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Stupid box! Who would mail a–" [He looks the package over.] "It's addressed to you, Ed."
Edd: "Ed gets mail?" [He sees Eddy tearing open the wrapping.] "WHAT IN SAM HILL ARE YOU DOING?! You're violating Ed's privacy, Eddy. A federal offense, I might add."
Ed: [He jumps on Edd like a diving board.] "Somebody loves me!" [Jumps off Edd and dives into the box, begins shoveling out styrofoam peanuts. Soon enough, he tunnels through the box and shovels out dirt clumps.]
Edd: "Ed?"
Eddy: "Hey Lumpy!" [He picks up the box and looks through it.]
Ed: "No way! They came! My limited edition Slovak jawbreakers. Look!"
Eddy: "Jawbreakers?"
Edd: "You don't say!"
Ed: "I ordered them from the back of this comic book, see?" [He reveals said comic stuck to his belly and shows the ad to his friends.] "Two free and I ordered it."
Edd: "Two?"
Eddy: "Two?"
Edd: "There's only two."
Ed: "And I will share them with my pals, one for each of us. That's you, he, and I."
Eddy: "Ed! How many times does two go into three? Think!"

[Ed thinks. An entire day passes.]

Ed: "We are three, and you are two!" [He drops his friends and continues to stare at the candy.]
Eddy: "Should we tell him?"
Edd: "He's a big boy, Eddy."
[Realization dawns on Ed.]
Ed: "Uh oh! There's not enough!" [depressed] "Please, take them, friends."
Eddy: [excited] "Sweet!"
Edd: "But Ed, we couldn't! They're your jawbreakers!"
Ed: [sad] "It is okay. Enjoy them. I will just find a rock."
[Eddy tears through the packaging guiltlessly and takes a jawbreaker. He gives the other to Edd. He places a ruler in Eddy's mouth to stop Eddy from eating the candy.]
Edd: [unamused] "You're so predictable, Eddy. Have you no shame in depriving our friend of his jawbreakers? Look at him!" [He indicates Ed, who is sniffling in an overturned birdbath.]
Eddy: [guiltily] "Gee, Double D..." [happy] "I guess not!" [He steals Edd's jawbreaker and tries to eat them both. Edd catches them.]
Edd: "Eddy! The only fair thing to do is divide these jawbreakers into three equal shares. Follow me, please."

[Ed has moved to the Playground's sandbox. Edd wheels a fridge in while Eddy carries the jawbreakers. After setting the items somewhere offscreen, Eddy comes back and puts Ed on the end of a teeter-totter. The fridge on the other end is lifted. Edd wheels an anvil below the fridge and puts a jawbreaker on it. After doing final calculations, he signals Eddy who then entices Ed off the seesaw by throwing a bone, which Ed goes after. The fridge comes down on the jawbreaker, and the jawbreaker takes off like a bullet. It goes through a few fences and a house.]

[Jonny is playing football with Plank.]
Jonny: "Blue twenty-two. Hut!"
[Jonny snaps the ball to Plank. The ball hits Plank and knocks him towards the house.]
Jonny: "I'm going deep, buddy!"
[The jawbreaker breaks through the front door and slams into Plank.]
Jonny: "Lemme have it! I'm wide open, Plank!"
[The jawbreaker and Plank slam into his open mouth.]
Eddy: [from the door] "Hey, gimme that back! Jonny's got our jawbreaker!"
Ed: "Founder!"
Jonny: [jawbreaker and friend in cheek] "Well whaddya know! I got a jawbreaker, Plank!"
Jonny: "What?"
Jonny: "You can’t breathe?!"
Jonny: "Where are ya, buddy?!"
Eddy: [to Ed] "Get off!" [to Edd] "Now we only got one!"
Edd: "Are you insinuating it was my fault we lost the other jawbreaker?"
Eddy: "Face it, Orville. You've failed."
Edd: [angry] "Now you've done it! Take that!" [He tries to shove Eddy but only pushes himself back.]
Ed: "Hey! Slow down, partner. We still got one to–EDDY!" [Eddy is about to eat it when Ed stretches his head into the back of his mouth, with the jawbreaker taking off.] "That's my jawbreaker!"
[The jawbreaker lands in Edd's hands.]
Eddy: "It's mine!" [He begins fighting Edd.]
Edd: "Keep your hands off our jawbreaker!"
Ed: "Fight." [He leaps in.]
[The Eds' tussle moves over to the sidewalk, where Rolf is carrying groceries. He drops the groceries and picks up the friends.]
Rolf: "Excuse me, Ed-boys, but Rolf must discipline the nanny goats!" [He bangs their heads together and drops them.] "You make Rolf sick! If you must quarrel over the orb of rapture, it must be done with honor!" [He thumps his chest.] "A competition of shrewdness!"
Edd: "Sounds intriguing."
Rolf: "A tournament of bravery!"
Ed: "Could you pull my finger, Rolf?"
Rolf: "No."
[Ed cries.]

[Jonny, Plank, Sarah, Jimmy, and Nazz are gathered to watch the competition.]
Jimmy: "A rivalry for supremacy gives me shivers, Sarah."
Rolf: "Silence!" [He wheels in a wheelbarrow. In the barrow are three ladles. Each ladle has three eggs in it.] "As our competitors must bear out one objective: to balance these eggs within the ladle of valor!"
[The Eds each take a ladle.]
Ed: "Eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs."
Edd: "Oh, dear."
Eddy: "Careful there, pal." [Eddy slaps Edd on the back, causing the eggs to jump.]
Rolf: "Not easy, I tell you. As they must skedaddle down and circle the goat of maturity, skedaddle back to finish, and claim the ball of sweetness." [He hangs the jawbreaker from a tree limb and climbs onto a chair.] "Gladiators, ready?" [Ed stands at the start.] "Prepare yourselves." [Eddy pours glue on his eggs. Edd puts out a wheeled contraption.]
Jimmy: "Be still, my heart."
Sarah: "What are they doing out there?" [Eddy ties Ed's shoelaces together.]
Nazz: "It looks like they're cheating!"
Kevin: "Aw, this is gonna be rad!"
Rolf: "Set!"
[Edd sets up a fan to propel him. The Eds stand at the ready.]
Rolf: "Go."
[A sail folds up out of Edd's helmet and he takes off. Eddy just runs.]
Eddy: "Last one out's a rotten egg!"
[Ed takes one step forward and trips, falls, and drops the ladle. The eggs splatter. He has lost.]
Eddy: "One down and one Double D to go." [He moves the inside track so it leads to a mailbox.] "Crash!"
Sarah: "Hey Rolf, are you blind?"
Jonny: "They're breaking the rules!"
Rolf: [chomping on his grapes] "Yes, a fine performance."
[On the course, Edd zooms through the relaid line.]
Edd: "Cliché cartoon antics, Eddy? Is that all you've got?" [He presses a button, and a watering can appears.]
Eddy: "It's in the bag!"
[The can waters the grass in front of Eddy, and the grass shoots up.]
Eddy: "What the–"
Rolf: "Bravo!"
Jonny: "Good on ya!"
Sarah: "Holy mackerel!"
[Edd presses another button and a lawnmower appears, allowing him to tunnel through the grass.]
Rolf: "Witty. Very witty."
Ed: [still on the ground] "Huh?"
Eddy: [leaping down] "Hey, Double D. You got grass stains on your sock."
Edd: "Curse this pasture-related plant."
Rolf: "Could this be?"
[Eddy zips past Edd, who is busily washing his sock.]
Eddy: "See ya, sap."
Rolf: "Yes, this is!"
Ed: [standing up] "Oh Eddy! Your hair is on backwards! Um, or stained, or...um..."
Rolf: "Yes? Go on, Ed-boy."
Ed: "Eddy! Oh look, it's Rolf!"
Eddy: "Give it up, Ed." [A remote controlled car with a mirror attached to it comes up in front of Eddy.] "Hey good lookin, what's cookin?" [The machine turns around.] "Hey! I ain't done looking yet!" [Eddy gives chase.]
Edd: [passing Eddy] "Narcissistic ninny!" [He trips over Victor.]
Eddy: "Huh?" [He turns around.]
Kevin: "Nice spill, dork!"
Rolf: "The goat of maturity is a difficult maneuver."
Ed: "Oh Eddy!"
Eddy: "What?" [Ed is sitting at a table for two set with a turkey dinner.]
Ed: "I got cranberry sauce!"
Eddy: [passing the crashed Edd] "Suckers!"
Jonny: "Eddy's on the home stretch!"
[With a formidable lead, Eddy chooses to jump into a bush and stick his leg out in order to trip Edd.]
Edd: "I'd be careful if I were you, Eddy." [He presses the lawnmower button, and Eddy lets him pass.]
Ed: "Oh Eddy!" [He pops out of a toaster and beckons to Eddy.]
Sarah: [excited] "Double D's gonna win!"
Edd: "I am?" [excited] "I am!"
[Edd doesn't see that Eddy is riding on the back of his machine.]
Eddy: "In your dreams, fuzz boy!" [He hangs the fan from a tree.] "Thank you, thank you, and thank you." [Edd angrily wiggles his shoe to the edge of his toe.] "Don't mess with the best!"
Edd: [calculating angles] "Well Eddy, you have yet to mess with the rest!" [He kicks his shoe off.]
Ed: "Oh Eddy!"
Eddy: "Ed, shut up."
[Eddy turns around to see that Ed has taken the jawbreaker. Apparently the course, the eggs, and in fact everything else in the competition could have been foregone, and the Eds could have taken the direct route.]
Rolf: "The simple Ed-boy is victor!"
Ed: "Hi Mom!"
[Edd's shoe hits Eddy on the back of the head. Eddy goes flying forward and heads the jawbreaker away. Ed chomps down on Eddy's head.]
Eddy: "Ed, remind me to lend you some floss." [Ed pulls Eddy out.] "Follow that jawbreaker, Ed! Hey! It's mine, Double D!"
Ed: "Ready or not, here I come!"
[The sphere rolls down a fence by the creek, staying perfectly balanced on the top. The Eds arrive at the same post and push it out.]
Ed: "Gotcha!"
[The Eds leap for the jawbreaker and push it away, into the creek. They follow it into the cold, cold water.]
Eddy: [surfacing] "Where's the jawbreaker!"
Edd: "Oh dear! Ed!"
[Ed is sitting underwater.]
Ed: "It is lost, guys."
Eddy: "Find it, Ed!" [The Eds begin to search furiously.] "Gimme a break, will ya?"
Ed: "Come back, Slovak jawbreaker, wherever you are!"

[It is night, and the hunt is still going on.]
Edd: [shivering on the bank] "Oh let's go home! I'm soaked to the marrow! Our mothers must be worried sick!" [Eddy squeezes water from his shirt.] "Besides, the jawbreaker would surely have dissolved by now."
Eddy: "I almost had it! But you had to be a Mr. Goody-Goody Two Shoes." [mocking] "Let's share it."
Ed: "Found it!"
Eddy: [excited] "Ed?"
Ed: [jawbreaker in cheek] "I found it, guys!"
Eddy: "Aw, man, he's already eaten it!"
Ed: "But it is so good, Eddy."
Edd: [yearningly] "Tell me Ed, what flavor is it?"
Eddy: [rolling up his sleeve] "Does it taste like a fist?"
Ed: "Uh, nope. It sorta tastes like chicken."
[Ed unfurls his tongue to reveal that he is sucking on a gigantic snail.]
Ed: "Try some."
Edd & Eddy: "Gah!"
Ed: "No?" [He pulls it back in.] "Okey-dokey!"
Edd: [indignant] "Ed! You let that poor creature out right this min–" [Eddy clamps his hands over Edd's mouth.]
Eddy: "Gee, Ed. You're so lucky. I wish I was you."
Ed: "Yep, life is good, Eddy!"
[The snail pokes its head out of Ed's ear.]
Ed: "Yum."

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide