Ed in a Halfshell/Script

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Script

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[Kevin is seen standing around bored, looking at something.]
Edd: [mortified] "This is so embarrassing!"
[The camera pans to show Eddy standing in front of a sign reading "Gerbil for a Day" and Ed dressed as a gerbil, running in a hamster wheel in a cage. Ed's laughs can be heard in the background. It then switches to a view of Ed running. He falls but almost immediately gets back up and continues running.]
Eddy: [acting eager] "Huh? Whaddya figure Kev, gerbil for a day? 25 cents for 25 seconds. And we'll throw in this free salt lick! Limited quantity, better move fast."
Kevin: [pretending to be excited] "Let's check it out!"
Eddy: "Watch it, those sweaty hands might leave prints!"
Kevin: "No problem." [He puts the salt lick on the ground and rolls it onto Eddy, who is pinned down by its weight.] "Ha ha ha! You dorks get lamer every day." [He walks off chuckling.]
Edd: "Kevin's right, Eddy." [rolling the salt lick off of his friend] "This is quite possibly–" [straining from the effort] "–your most preposterous plan ever." [He falls over the salt lick, which rolls onto him.] "Aah! Ouch."
Eddy: [angry] "I don't see you coming up with anything, Da Vinci!"
Ed: "Cheep! Cheep! Cheep chin! Feed me!" [Edd and Eddy stare at Ed in stunned silence. Ed stares back at them as the sound of water is heard in the background.]
Edd: "The probability of anyone falling for this lackluster stunt is zero to none, Eddy."
Eddy: "Alright already! What a nag."
[Sarah enters from the left dragging Jimmy, storms over to the cage, and rips off a section of it. She then walks over to Ed, who is eating Chunky Puffs as gerbil food.]
Sarah: "ED!"
Ed: [confused and scared] "What did I do?" [He runs over to the hamster wheel and runs on it in an attempt to get away.] "It wasn't me, Sarah, honest!" [sees Sarah right next to him] "Cheep! Cheep! Cheep Cheep–" [Sarah pulls him off the wheel] "–aw."
Eddy: [to the sound of Ed getting beaten up] "Quit roughing up my gerbil! I'm trying to run a business–" [Sarah throws Ed at him.] "–oof!"
Sarah: "I have a ballet lesson today and Jimmy needs someone to play with! And Ed's Jimmy's new playmate!"
Jimmy: [visibly shaken] "Can we talk?"
Eddy: [to Ed, who is clutching him] "Get off me, you stupid–" [He throws Ed off and addresses Sarah.] "Take a hike, Sarah! You are not dumping the twerp on us!"
[Sarah grabs his lips and holds them closed, keeping him from speaking intelligibly; after a few seconds of mumbling from him, she throws him onto the ground.]
Sarah: [sweetly] "Oh, Ed?"
Ed: [quivering in fear] "Uh, yes, oh obnoxious little sister of mine?"
Sarah: [holds up a model rocket] "See what I got?"
Ed: [very upset] "THAT IS MY 1/32 SCALE ORBITAL PLANET RE-TRACKER NUMBER 2 MODEL ROCKET!"
Sarah: [threateningly] "Take care of Jimmy or I'll pulverize your stupid model!"
Ed: [pleading] "Have mercy, depraved sibling!" [in a slightly calmer tone] "I will take care of Jimmy. Honest."
Sarah: "Good."
Jimmy: [timidly] "Sarah, I beg of you, don't leave me in this den of lions."
Sarah: "Don't worry, Jimmy. If these nimrods give you any trouble, just–" [taking a whistle out of her pocket] "–blow this whistle." [She puts the whistle around Jimmy's neck.]
Jimmy: "Really?"
Ed: "Have a good day, rotten to the core cherished one."
[As soon as Sarah leaves, Jimmy begins to sweat. The camera shows the Eds looking at him. He then faints.]
Eddy: "This kid's gonna cramp our style! Look at him!"
Edd: "Perhaps Jimmy would like to play some games."
Jimmy: [suddenly waking up] "Games?"
Edd: "There we go! Games teach children confidence, and endorse socialization skills necessary for human interaction."
Eddy: [smiling evilly] "I know a game we can play."

---

[Eddy's hands are seen picking up a dodgeball. The other two Eds and Jimmy are standing by a garage door. Edd and Jimmy are quaking with fear, whereas Ed looks perfectly normal.]
Edd: [very nervous] "Eddy, wait, stop!" [more calmly] "Dodgeball has no educational value whatsoever."
Eddy: "Whaddya talking about? It builds character. Puts hair on your chest."
Jimmy: "Hairy chests are so Neanderthal."
Ed: "Dodgeball is fun, Jimmy! Just keep your eye on the–" [gets hit by the dodgeball] "–ball of pain."
Eddy: [laughing victoriously] "Ha ha ha! You're out, monobrow! Who's next?" [camera shifts to Jimmy] "Jimmy? Or Double D?" [camera shifts to an empty space on the right side of the door] "Hey. Where'd Sockhead go?" [Jimmy edges to the left, revealing Edd hidden behind him.] "Hello, Double D."
Edd: [desperately] "Eddy wait. I-I have a history with this game I–whassat. I see flashes, Eddy. Deep rooted images." [Eddy begins drawing something on the ball] "Like tentacles! Strangulating every rational nerve! Oh, I'm reliving it, Eddy!"
Eddy: [holding up the ball] "But it's got your face on it, Double D." [He turns the ball around to reveal a caricature of Edd drawn on it.]
Edd: [completely terrified] "Listen to me, Eddy. Eddy?"
[Eddy goes into his throwing stance.]
Edd: [howling] "IT'S GYM CLASS ALL OVER AGAIN!" [He breaks down completely. As he continues his crying jag, Jimmy begins to wail in tandem with him. Ed sees Jimmy clutching him and crying and he begins to scream as well.]
Eddy: [disgusted] "Uuh."

---

[Edd falls to the ground, a quivering mess. Eddy approaches him.]
Eddy: "Get over it, Shakespeare."
Jimmy: "I'm bored. I wanna turn."
Eddy: "No way, it's still my turn."
Jimmy: [reaching for his whistle] "I'm telling Sarah!"
Ed: [scared] "Wait, Jimmy! Sarah is bad for Ed." [jumps on top of Eddy] "Don't hog the ball, Eddy. Let Jimmy have a turn."
Jimmy: "Goodie!"
[Ed rubs Eddy back and forth on top of his buzz cut. He then takes Eddy over to the garage door, who is now stuck to it.]
Eddy: [irked] "What the–"
Edd: "Static electricity can be quite humbling, can't it, Eddy?" [to Ed] Oh, Ed, that's much too far for Jimmy. A little closer, if you will?"
Ed: "Okey-dokey, Double D." [while walking Jimmy closer to Eddy] "Here we go, Jimmy. Your turn to hurt Eddy."
Eddy: [pretending to be scared] "Oh, this guy's gonna murder me! Somebody please save me!" [laughs mockingly] "Yeah, right!"
[Jimmy throws the ball at his face with incredible force, knocking most of his body through the garage door.]
Jimmy: "Got him!" [giggles]
Ed: "Good shot, Jimmy!" [picks Jimmy up and carries him on his shoulders]
Jimmy: "I'm the toast of the town!"
Edd: "Aw, look at them, Eddy!"
Eddy: [disgruntled] "It's pathetic."
[Ed is seen running with Jimmy still on his shoulders. He trips over a rock. When he gets up, Jimmy's retainer is around both of their faces.]
Jimmy: "Hey, mister!" [they share a laugh]
Edd: [trying to pull Eddy out of the door] "Jimmy and Ed seem [straining] to have developed a brotherly bond." [pulls Eddy out of the door onto him]
[Jimmy and Ed are rubbing their heads against a tree trunk.]
Jimmy and Ed: "Rub your head, rub your head. Rub your head."
Edd: "Interesting."
Eddy: "Why's Jimmy acting like Ed?"
Edd: "Well Eddy, like brothers, the younger, more naive sibling tends to mimic and learn from the older brother. [As he speaks, Ed is shown hopping around like a kangaroo, Jimmy in his jacket like a joey in a pouch.] A mirror image in some cases."
Eddy: [quizzical] "A mirror image?" [as an idea dawns] "One exactly like the other? Like two peas in a pod? Two humps on a camel? A dynamic duo? A pair of underwear?"
Edd: "A pair of underwear is one item, Eddy."
Eddy: "Same thing." [making a declaration] "I, Eddy, will take Jimmy, and teach him to be the best prime cut of meat there is. Just like me."

---

[A montage is shown. First, Eddy throws eggs at a picture of Sarah taped to a wall and instructs Jimmy to do the same. When he refuses, Eddy stuffs the egg in his underwear.
The camera cuts to a grassy field. Eddy tells Jimmy to move an obscenely large rock to an X marked on the ground. Jimmy attempts to move it himself and is completely unsuccessful. Eddy is then seen leading him to another location while wedgied.
The next thing we see is Jimmy in the field, trying to move the rock. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts, he stops and thinks it over. He then brings Ed over to move the rock.
The garage again. This time, Jimmy throws the eggs at Ed and Double D. Eddy bursts into laughter, stopped only when Jimmy pulls the "You've got something on your shirt" trick on him, earning him one final wedgie.]

---

[Jimmy is sitting on a tree stump while Eddy walks in circles around him.]
Eddy: "Enough beating around the bush. I think you're ready for the final lesson. Let's talk cash." [He rolls a quarter on Jimmy's retainer.]
Edd: [to Ed, discreetly] "Theatrics do not forge good learning skills."
Eddy: "Hey, do you mind, Mr. 'I Know Everything About Nothing'?"
Ed: [to Edd] "Shush!"
Eddy: "Where was I?" [ponders] "Oh yeah! Cash! Always remember, if you have a lot of cash, you get to spend a lot of time, with me."
Jimmy: [questioningly] "But how do I get more cash, Uncle Eddy?"
Eddy: [proudly] "You're such a nosy little tyke. Come with Uncle Eddy." [picks Jimmy up and carries him away]
Edd: [alarmed] "Hurry, Ed!"
Ed: "Shush! My yeast is rising."
[Edd, unsure what to do, stares at Ed for a few moments.]
Edd: "Nut loaf, Ed?" [he hurries away]

---

[Eddy is seen running with Jimmy. He stops in the lane and drops Jimmy on the ground]
Eddy: "See the kids, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: [looking in the other direction] "No, Uncle Eddy."
Eddy: [twists Jimmy's head around] "They're called pigeons, and pigeons have lots of cash. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" [Jimmy starts to run forward into the lane, but falls on his face.]
Jimmy: [dazed] "Pennies from heaven, Uncle Eddy."
Eddy: [tearing up] "They grow up so fast."
Edd: [suddenly appearing, and apparently very belligerent] "Eddy! Shame on you! You set Jimmy–"
Ed: "Shush!"
Edd: "You set Jimmy's expectations too high! He's bound to fail!"
Eddy: "Okay, maybe I was a little tough. But that's how my brother taught me! The only way to get it right is to get it wrong."
[A sudden noise distracts them.]

---

[Kevin is seen bouncing on a trampoline]
Kevin: "Whoa, look out!"
Rolf: [admiringly] "Kevin is good at weinering."
Kevin: "That's hot-dogging, Rolf." [a timer rings]
Jimmy: "Time's up, Kevin."
Kevin: "That couldn't have been more than 25 seconds."
Jimmy: "Take it to the back of the line, bub." [picking up jar of quarters] "Alright, people, cough up the dough."
Eddy: [astounded] "How come we didn't think of that?"
Edd: "Seems the student has surpassed the master."
Ed: "But better!"

---

Jimmy: "You got 25 seconds, Rolfy boy." [Rolf drops a quarter in the jar]
Rolf: "Has anyone ever told you your hair resembles the backside of a chicken?"
Eddy: [drooling] "You're a chip off the old block, Junior."
Edd: "Well done, Jimmy! Tell me about the design."
Jimmy: "The bouncy mat was torn up-bedsheets sewn together with the synthetic hair of broken dollies."
Edd: "I never would have thought of that."
Jimmy: [condescendingly] "Of course you wouldn't."
Edd: [insulted] "Well."
Eddy: "C'mere for a second, Junior."

---

[Eddy is leading Jimmy away.]
Eddy: "Time to give credit where credit is due. Nothing big, sixty percent'll do."
Jimmy: [irked] "What are you giving me?"
Eddy: "My cut of the cash." [puts hand on the rim of the jar and tries to pull it away]
Jimmy: [pulling it back] "Hit the road."
Eddy: [angry] "You thankless little–If it wasn't for me, you'd be planting posies!"
Jimmy: "Tell it to the judge!"
Eddy: [somewhat surprised] "Oh, he's good." [running after Jimmy] "Give me that thing, you little turncoat!" [rips money jar away] "Ha!" [to money] "Hello, my little babies! Did you miss me?"
Jimmy: [pouncing on Eddy] "It's mine!"
Eddy: [frightened by Jimmy's ferocity] "Jimmy's lost it! Help me! He's a wild animal!"
Ed: "Foul! Offside! Penalty."
Edd: "You sound like a referee, Ed."
Ed: [pulls out a whistle] "Yes I am."
Edd: [recognizing what Ed is about to do] "Ed! Don't blow that!"
[Ed puts whistle in mouth and blows.]

---

[Eddy and Jimmy freeze in the middle of fighting. Edd's teeth can be heard chattering. Then, the camera shifts to show trees toppling, getting closer in proximity to the lane. After the nearest one falls, Sarah is seen kicking open a portion of the fence.]
Sarah: [screaming] "JIMMY!"
Jimmy: [smugly] "Bingo." [He digs up some dirt and throws it onto his face.]
Sarah: "Eddy. What's Jimmy doing on the ground, huh?" [Jimmy is seen crying]
Eddy: "Get lost, Sarah, we're talking business."
Jimmy: [crying] "He was horrible, Sarah. They made me eat dirt all day!"
Sarah: "What?" [clenches teeth in anger. Jimmy can be seen thumbing his nose at the Eds while Sarah is facing away from him.]
Eddy: [in an undertone, amazed] "Man, he's real good." [normally] "Who are you gonna believe? That little- um- er- rat, or an honest bunch like us?"
[Sarah squeals in anger and proceeds to beat the pulp out of the Eds. Jimmy is seen giggling at the scene. Sarah gleefully dusts her hands at her handwork: Edd's upper half and Eddy's lower half are sticking out of Ed's right ear while Edd's lower half is sticking out of Ed's mouth and Eddy's upper half sticks out of Ed's left ear with the jar in his mouth. Jimmy walks up to the Eds.]

---

Jimmy: [self-satisfied] "My jar please, Uncle Eddy." [grabs jar from Eddy's mouth and realizes the money is gone] "Hey!" [pokes Eddy's nose. His lower jaw opens like a cash register, revealing a pile of quarters. Jimmy takes the money and shoves his jaw back in.]
Jimmy: "Candy, Sarah? My treat." [They run off, presumably to the candy store.]

---

Edd: "Boy, Eddy, you truly created a monster."
Eddy: "No kidding." [feels proud] "Kinda makes me feel all warm inside."
Ed: [mumbling due to Edd's lower half sticking out of his mouth] "Urp a la loo."
Edd: "Don't talk with your mouth full, Ed."