Ed, Edd n Eddy

May: [about to be "beautified" by her sisters] "Make me look just like one of them high-fashion whatsits, okay?"
Lee: [crossing her fingers] "You got it, May!"
Marie: [also with crossed fingers] "Yeah, we'll make you look like a buck and a half!"
Lee: "Let's start with ketchup for that homely complexion."
Marie: "And cold cuts will get rid of those shoddy bags under your eyes."
Lee: "One egg, for who knows what!"
Marie: [emptying a pickle jar out on her] "And some Eau de Pickles, for that smell of success!"
Lee: "Massage gently." [She beats the mixture with an eggbeater.]
May: "I feel pretty already!"
Marie: "A quick blowdry."
Lee: "And..."
Lee and Marie: "Ready or not, you're hot to trot!" [They laugh.]
[May looks in the mirror. Her face, and especially her hair, are now a disaster area.]
May: [throwing her sisters out of their room] "I'M UGLY!"
Marie: [dazed] "So...what else is new?" [A vase comes out and shatters on the floor beside her and Lee.]
Lee and Marie: "AAAH!" [May proceeds to throw things from a shopping kart at them in a fit of rampant feminine fury.]
Lee: "Hey!" [They scurry behind the couch.]
May: "You wrecked my natural good looks!" [She fires away.]
Lee: [as the debris of trailer park mortar explodes around them] "She's delusional. I say we rush her!"
[A mounted swordfish cuts through the couch, slicing neatly between them. A foot to the right or the left and the E.R. would have been needed.]
Marie: "Aah!"
[May, looking for stuff to throw, picks up her Ed doll. She looks at it and starts crying.]
Lee: "Go see what she's doing now."
Marie: "Who died and made you queen?"
[The sound of a punch comes, and Marie shoots up from behind the couch with a black eye.]
Marie: "Aw, she's just bawling." [taunting] "We made the widdle baby cwy!" [A plate hits her in the face.]
May: [through her tears] "Now my man's gonna think I'm a cootie trap!"
Lee: "Whadda you care? You've got a great personality. Besides, who needs good looks when you've got us?"

Ed: [as we stare at some macaroni art] "Oh oh! Look, Double D, art. I call this one, 'To Noodle or Not to Noodle. [holding up an identical piece] "And this one I will call, 'No More for Me, Thanks, I am a Russian.
Edd: [searching for a compliment] "Well, macaroni art seems to have really brought out your creative side, Ed."
Eddy: "Yeah, just like it brought out all these paying customers who'll–" [sarcastically cheerful] "–just flip for Double D's Arts and Crafts fair!" [after a short pause] "Two words, Double D. Lame. O."
Edd: "A fool's bolt is soon shot, Eddy. It is well documented that homemade anomalies perk one's curiosity! Can you honestly say that this butterfly made from common household twaddle isn't delightful?"
Eddy: "I'm still stuck on that 'fool's bolt' line."
Ed: "Whoops! Guys? I think I glued my head to the table." [His head is, indeed, stuck to the table. Eddy is prepared to laugh.]
Edd: "Oh, Ed, how on earth did you ever–"
Lee and Marie: [offscreen] "Hiya, Ed." [They are seen standing on either end of Ed's table.]
Ed: "Welp, that's it for me!"
Lee and Marie: "You're coming with us!"
Ed: "Okey-dokey, ladies!" [being carried off] "Um, see ya guys! A lesson in life I am sure to get. Yep, I have seen better days."
Edd: [freaking out after the Kankers leave] "DID YOU SEE THAT?"
Eddy: [in denial] "Uh, I didn't see anything, did you see something, 'cause I didn't. Kankers? What Kankers?"
Edd: "We've gotta do something, Eddy! Ed needs our help! Oh, the horror! One can only imagine the atrocities those lower-lives have planned!"
Eddy: "Just deny everything, Double D, you'll live longer. How about helping me make one of them sissy butterfly things?"
Edd: [getting an idea] "Help?" [breaking into a relieved grin] "Of course! Help! There's power in numbers, Eddy! Hurry!"
[Eddy continues to try and make a twaddle butterfly as Edd runs off. Edd grabs him and drags him away.]

[A bucket is under a sap pipe. Rolf reaches over and twists the knob. The pipe shakes and lets out a small drop of sap.]
[Rolf ignores him and goes to pour the sap into a barrel.]
Edd: [tapping Rolf on the shoulder] "Rolf, you must help us. The security of our once peaceful cul-de-sac has been breached. Our dear Ed was just plucked from thin air by those unrelenting Kanker Sisters."
Rolf: [turning around] "Is that so, he who laments at the tip of a hat?" [Rolf jumps into the sap barrel.]
Edd: "Did Rolf just jump into that barrel of tree sap?"
[An oil drum Eddy is leaning on begins to shake, and Rolf appears, in his full Urban Ranger uniform.]
Rolf: "Fear not, as the Urban Rangers will rescue the ninny-hammer Ed-boy!"
Eddy: "Hold that thought, Houdini." [to Edd, ticked off] "Urban Rangers?" [A cow moos loudly. We then see that Rolf is summoning his troop by having the cow moo to call them. Jonny enters, running over Eddy. Eddy gets up.] "I hate those–" [Jimmy runs over Eddy en route to the meeting. Like Jonny, he doesn't notice.]
Rolf: "Urban Rangers! Today we must bell the cat, take the bull by the horn, spear the lion in his den, march up to the cannon's mouth, go through the fire and water, and face the music. But, there is no badge."
Jimmy and Jonny: [disappointed] "No badge?"
Jimmy: "Something smells rotten in Denmark."
Rolf: "Don't look at me, as the Ranger Manual will only reward this deed with the–" [pulling out the book] "–Freeing of the Fool pewter medallion!"
Jimmy and Jonny: [mesmerized over the medallion] "Pewter."
Eddy: [irritated] "Oh, come on! You guys are so full of yourselves, I can't believe I even thought of joining you stupid has-beens."
Rolf: "Urban Rangers?" [He watches smugly as they go by. When Eddy tries to follow, Rolf stops him by smacking him with the Ranger Manual.] "So sorry, Ed-boy, but this mission is for Urban Rangers only."
Eddy: [dazed] "Oops! Wrong floor."
Edd: "Please Rolf, let us join you. Ed's our friend!"
Rolf: [angrily] "Rangers! Retreat!" [As Jimmy, Jonny and Plank come bounding back, he lectures Edd and Eddy.] "In order for a muckworm to accompany the Rangers on any official Urban Ranger deed, they must be deputized into Rangerhood. Ranger Jonny!"
Jonny: [giving the vow] "Double D and Eddy! Do you vow to uphold the secrecy of Rangerhood or face 100 smacks with a wet noodle?"
Jimmy: "Raise your left hand and swear."
Edd: "I do so solemnly swear." [He places his hand in the open Ranger Handbook. Eddy does not comply. Muttering angrily] "Do it for Ed, Eddy."
Eddy: "I'd swear, but standards won't let me."
[Jimmy slams the book on their hands.]

[Lee is tying a shirtless Ed to a tree upside-down. Rolf peeks out from some bushes, and his Rangers are quick to look through the same hole.]
Ed: "What do you want from me, she wolf of madness! Set me free and I um–I will give you my macaroni art."
Lee: "I love a man that begs." [to May, offscreen] "Oh May! We gotta surprise for ya!" [May is dragged onto the scene, a cardboard box over her head.]
Marie: "A big and dumb one."
May: "I still ain't talking to you two."
Marie: "Ha! You just did, bonehead." [She shoves May at the tree.]
Lee: "Take a look, May."
[May lifts the box of her head. She sees the frightened Ed.]
May: "It's my boyfriend!" [She dives at him.]
Ed: "Oh, help me!" [The camera is now focusing on the bushes, so we can't tell what's happening to Ed.]
Eddy: [laughing] "And to think I almost missed this!" [He collapses to the ground in a fit of laughter.]
Rolf: "Come, Urban Rangers, as destiny calls!"

[A cigar box is being held out.]
Lee: "Okay May! Choose your weapon!" [The box is opened to reveal several broken crayons. May selects the red one.]
Marie: "Let him have it, May!" [May begins drawing on Ed's stomach which gets him laughing.]
Lee: "Yeah, show him that you care!" [May has drawn a heart on him. She then stamps his belly with a specially cut stamp reading May Luvs Ed.]
May: "You're mine forevermore." [Ed stops laughing and looks at his stomach.]
Ed: "Wait!" [May grabs him and plants kisses all over his face.]
May: "He's my little pookie bear."
[The sisters laugh. Rolf, hiding behind a trailer, signals his Rangers, and they sneak back.]
Ed: [now part of a system where May swings to kiss him] "Help me, guys, she's going to-" [May kisses him.] "Aah!" [again] "Ow!"
Rolf: "Ahem!" [He is standing by a grill.] "Will you look at this. This congealed gristle has marred the once proud searing grill. And how will you ever restore its luster?" [He waits a few seconds.] "A problem, you say? Never! As the Urban Ranger will make it proud once again."
[Rolf sets to cleaning the grill. The Rangers sneak from behind the trailer to another set of bushes.]
Marie: "Is this guy for real?"
Lee: "Real or not, that guy's wearing a uniform!"
Marie: "Dreamy." [She walks towards him.]

May: [having her ears nibbled by Ed] "Ear nibbling will get you five to ten, you animal, you!" [May is actually manipulating Ed's jaw to accomplish the desired effect.]
Lee: [dragging May off] "Hurry up, May, there's a guy in uniform cleaning our barbecue!"
May: "What do I care? I've got a man!" [She lets go of Ed, who snaps back to the tree. Jimmy and Jonny peek out on each side of him.]
Jimmy: "Fret not, Ed! The Rangers have arrived!" [The Rangers set to untying him.]
Ed: "Hooray!" [They duck into the bushes.]
The Kankers: [oblivious to Ed] "What a man!"
Jimmy: [crawling out again] "We can't help you if you're not quiet, silly."
Ed: "Help? Good idea."
Jonny: "Shut it, or I'll give you such a pinch!"
Ed: "Ooh, I know! I can distract them, and you guys go for help!"
Jonny: "We are the help, Ed!"
Ed: [oblivious] "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!"
May: [turning to look] "Hey!"
Ed: [as May runs at him] "London bridge is falling down, my fair–" [The sounds of a thrashing are heard. May comes back holding up Jimmy and Jonny. In Jonny's arm is Plank.] "Hey guys, you weren't supposed to get caught."
Lee: "Wait a minute, those guys got uniforms just like this guy!" [She pokes Rolf in the stomach.]
Rolf: [quaking] "T-there was a sale, what can I tell you?" [He backs into a line with the other three. Whispering] "Rangers. Implement evasive maneuvers. Code yellow."
[As the Kankers approach, the Urban Rangers begin to scream. They then fall down one by one, each clutching a lily. The Rangers are imitating a line of dead bodies.]
Rolf: [whispering to his troops] "Stay still. They can smell fear."
Lee: "Get a shovel, May. Looks like we'll have to bury 'em."
May: "Forget it! My boyfriend needs some loving!"
Marie: [pulling May back] "Hey, wait. These guys are faking!" [The Urban Rangers begin to shiver.]
Jonny: [whispering] "I'm gonna wet my pants!"

Eddy: [laughing, still behind the bush] "Busted! Let's go." [He walks away.]
Edd: [taking a stand] "No!"
Eddy: "I said, let's GO!"
Edd: "Not without our Ed."
Eddy: "If we get caught, [making a fist] you're gonna get this up the schnozolla."
Edd: "Thank you, Eddy."

[Marie is shaking Jimmy roughly. Lee slaps Jimmy back to the ground.]
Lee: "That's no way to check if they're dead! Mom says you gotta stare at 'em."
[The Kankers stare intensely at the dead Rangers. A bush, carrying shoves and rakes and implements of destruction, moves past. It then goes around the other way, dragging a wagon with Ed's tree in it. The Kankers are concentrating so hard that they don't notice it.]

[A cloth wipes off an "Ed hearts May" tattoo on Ed's arm.]
Edd: "Boy, I hope your skin hasn't absorbed the ink from those pens, Ed. Could be trouble, mister."
Ed: "Didn't you miss me, Double D?"
Edd: "Of course we did Ed, don't be silly. Turn around please."
Ed: "Watch my bandage, Double D." [Ed indeed has a huge bandage on the middle of his back.]
Edd: "Good Lord, Ed! Did those troublemaking Kankers hurt you?"
Ed: "Nah. I did that last week."
Edd: "Let me have a look, Ed. It certainly would have healed by now." [He peels the bandage away to reveal a cookie.] "Is that a cookie?"
Ed: "Yep!" [He eats it.] "I saved it."
Edd: "THAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING, IRRATIONAL–" [realizing it's Ed, after all] "–it's nice to have you back, Ed."
Eddy: "I'm just wondering if those Urban Losers will get their 'I'm a Big Pigeon' badge!" [He laughs.]
Edd: [indignant] "At least they tried, Eddy!"
[A shadow falls over Ed.]
Ed: "Quack."
Edd: "And to think we just left them with those–"
Ed: "Okay, I am off again!" [He is being dragged away by Jimmy and Jonny. Both have been forced by the Kankers to wear goofy clothes.] "A lesson in life I am sure to get."
Rolf: [face covered with lipstick marks] "Kiss your friend goodbye, as the disgrace inflicted on the bodies of the Urban Rangers shall be avenged! Cowards!"
Edd: "Oh, dear."
Eddy: [walking off] "That's it, I'm done."
Edd: "But Eddy! Rolf, wait! Take Eddy instead!" [He proceeds to chase the rangers.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide