Ed, Edd n Eddy

[A sign outside the house reads "Wait to be Seated."]
Jimmy: "Wait to be seated?"
Sarah: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Jimmy: "They always say that at restaurants, Sarah!"
Eddy: [dressed like a waiter] "Welcome to Ponce de la Eds. I'll see if we have a free table." [He pretends to glance at a book.] "So sorry, but we're booked full."
Sarah: [grabbing him] "You didn't even open your eyes, you fathead!"
Jimmy: "Wait, Sarah. Let me show you how it's done." [He steps up to Eddy.] "Ahem. Surely you must have one table open." [Jimmy greases the waiter with a dollar bill.]
[Eddy, with a gasp of pleasure, opens the doors and shoves Sarah and Jimmy into the house.]
Eddy: "Here's two more for you gar con!" [He snickers as he stares at the dollar.]
Edd: [seating the duo] "May I? There we go." [He places two menus on the table.] "We have a variety of creations to please every pallet. I'll return momentarily to take your order." [He moves on to Jonny and Plank's table.]
Nazz: "What do you feel like, Kevin? Are you gonna get the Ed kabobs, or the Eddy pizza, or the Double D spaghetti?"
Kevin: [tosses his menu] "I'm ordering the barf bag."
Nazz: "Where's that on the menu, Kevin?"
Edd: "Well have you decided on anything, Jonny?"
Jonny: "Don't ask me, Plank's treating!" [Edd turns to Plank.]
Jonny: "Whaddya mean an Ed Turkey a la King for you and a couple of breadsticks for the bald kid?"
[Rolf signals Edd with a piercing whistle.]
Rolf: "Rolf would like the Ed steak. Rare."
Nazz: "And I'll have a salad, a la Double D, Double D."
Sarah: "And I'll have an Ed shake. Easy on the froth, and make sure it's cold."
Edd: "My! Uh, coming right up." [He tries to make his way into the kitchen, which is completely covered in food.] "Ed?"
Ed: [pushing his friend back with a carrot] "Oh no, you don't! Too many cooks spoil the galoshes, Double D!"
Edd: "Very well. Here's a few orders to fill, Chef Ed." [He hands Ed the order slip.]
Ed: "I will wake him up!"
[A few minutes have passed, and Sarah and Jimmy are bored.]
Sarah: "That's it, I've had it! Let's go home and eat, Jimmy!"
Eddy: [desperate] "No no, wait! Um–"
[The kitchen door bursts open and a lidded plate marked for Jonny comes out.]
Edd: "Nice presentation, Ed!" [to Jonny] "And here you go, one Ed Turkey a la King!"
Jonny: "Oh boy, I'm starving!"
Edd: "Bon appétit." [He lifts the lid.]
[Ed has cooked himself. He lies naked on the plate, surrounded by fixings and an apple in his mouth.]
Edd: "Ed! You were supposed to use a real turkey!"
Ed: [Pouring a ladleful of gravy onto himself.] "Stuffing, anybody?"
Eddy: [slamming the lid down on the plate.] "Idiot!"
Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "I'm so repulsed!" [The kids begin to trickle out.]
Sarah: "This place is a dump."
Eddy: [chasing them] "Oh come on! How about a two-for-one–" [The door slams shut, and he runs into it. The door opens, Eddy now annoyed another scam has fained.] "This should've worked! This scam always worked for my brother! Everything always worked for my brother."
Ed: "Let me say this about that." [Eddy kicks him off the plate.]
Eddy: "You know why they worked for him? 'Cause people respected my brother! And they respected me, 'cause I was–" [downhearted] "–with my brother."
Edd: "Don't feel bad, Eddy. The truth is, the others have always held you with the utmost, unequivocal, and deepest sincerity of disrespect."
Eddy: "Why if he was here, I'd show them who's boss."
[An idea, in the form of a hammer, comes down on Eddy's cranium.]
Eddy: "That's it! My brother's coming home! At least that's what we'll tell them."
Ed: [running with spatters of gravy all over him] "Wait till he sees how much I have grown!"
Edd: "Deception, Eddy? Is that how you plan to garner respect?"
Eddy: [chuckling] "What planet are you from?"

[The Eds have hung a bunch of banners, streamers, and balloons from Eddy's house welcoming his brother home.]
Edd: "Be careful, Ed."
Eddy: "The kids'll be eating out of my hands in no time."
Edd: "Speaking of hands, Eddy, you might want to break away from tradition and actually lend a hand here!"
Eddy: "No problem, Double D." [He applauds. Kevin pulls up.]
Kevin: "What's with the balloons? You dorks getting married?" [He waits a beat.] "To each other?"
Eddy: "Read the sign, giggles. My big brother's coming home today." [The smile drops from Kevin's face.]
Kevin: "No way."
Ed: "And it works for him!"
Kevin: [sweating] "So tell me. Those stories bout your brother–are they true?"
Kevin: "Ssh!"
Eddy: "Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'll introduce you to him so you can ask him yourself. Should be here pretty soon."
Kevin: "Maybe some other time. Gotta blow!" [He peels off.]
Eddy: [waving goodbye] "Is that respect or what?"
Ed: "A whole box of it!"
Edd: "That wasn't respect, Eddy! What I witnessed was fear."
Eddy: "R-E-S-P-E-E-K. Respect, Double D."

[Kevin speeds down the lane. He goes past Jonny and Plank, who are fishing.]
Jonny: "Fishing's a gas, huh buddy?" [Kevin blows past.] "Kevin? We almost caught you for supper, speedy!" [He runs along the top of the fence, somehow keeping pace with Kevin.]
Kevin: "Take a hike! I ain't telling ya nothing!"
Jonny: "Ooh, Kevin knows something we don't know, buddy! Hey, tell us your secret, Kevin! C'mon! We won't tell anyone! We're loners!" [Kevin whispers in their ears.] "It's about time! Hey Plank, Eddy's brother's coming home!"
Kevin: "You didn't hear it from me."
[Jonny runs out of fence and falls. Kevin speeds off. A chicken climbs up him.]
Rolf: "Jonny the woodboy. Always with this head of yours there are so many jokes, yes? Rolf respects your cluelessness." [Rolf moves to leave, but Jonny pulls him back.]
Jonny: "Wait, Rolf!" [He whispers in Rolf's ear, and Rolf loses his smile.]
Rolf: "Jiminy! Eddy's brother returns to the cul-de-sac? Rolf must protect his fold!"

[Rolf runs home. Passing the creek, he spots Nazz lounging and yanks her off her raft.]
Rolf: "She who loathes in the name of vanity! Hurry, as judgement day approaches!" [He passes the rumor on.]
Nazz: "For real? Eddy's brother is so rad! I better get my gear!" [She sails away, excited.]

[Eddy paces in front of his house, bored by the lack of attention.]
Ed: "Who's up for Pin the Tail on the Donkey?"
Eddy: "Shut up, Ed. Where the heck is everybody?"
Edd: [smug] "Well, it seems your rumor of your brother's return in order to gain respect is as contrived as your spelling of the word, Eddy. I won't say I told you so–"
[Ed, blindfolded, pins the tail on Edd's bottom.]
Edd: "YOW!!!"
Ed: "It wasn't me, Double D!" [Edd lands on Kevin's bike.]
Eddy: [laughing] "Nice one, Ed." [Kevin drops off Edd.]
Kevin: "Tell your brother, I did you a favor, okay?"
Eddy: [laughing] "Like he cares!"
Kevin: "Okay. Well, how about you and your bro come over to my house and watch TV or something? I mean, if he wants."
Eddy: [ecstatically whispering] "It's working, Double D!" [He turns to Kevin, composed.] "Gee, I don't know. My brother hates losers."
Kevin: [let down] "Oh. Right."
Eddy: "But tell you what, Kev-O. Me and the boys'll come over and see if it's cool enough for my bro to hang at."
Kevin: "You'd do that for me?"
Ed: "Party at Kevin's house!"
Eddy: "Now go home and make sure there's lots of snacks!" [He sends Kevin on his way.]
Edd: [shocked] "That was unbelievable."
Ed: "Party at Kevin's house!"
Edd: "Why would Kevin invite us to his house?"
Eddy: "R-E-S-P-E-E-K. Respect, Double D."
Ed: "Party at Kevin's–" [A chicken crows.] "Chickens!"
[Rolf has fortified his house with walls, a moat, and a drawbridge.]
Ed: [to a chicken] "Would you like to come to a party and revel sprightly?"
Rolf: "No party for Rolf's fowl!"
Eddy: "Your chicken too good for my brother's party, Rolf?"
Rolf: [scared] "Has he arrived to our humble cul-de-sac?"
Eddy: "He's on his way, Stretch."
Rolf: "PLEASE INFORM EDDY'S BROTHER–" [He runs inside and the bridge slams shut. He pokes his head through the fence.] "–THAT ROLF'S CHICKENS EXIST NO LONGER!" [He squeezes back in.]
Edd: "And what was that all about?"
Nazz: "Eddy! Oh Eddy! Up here, dude!" [Nazz is on the roof of her house, decked out like a mountaineer.] "Can I, like, talk with you?"
Eddy: "Me?" [Nazz starts to descend.] "Nazz wants to talk–" [Nazz lands on him.]
Nazz: "Oops." [She gets up.] "Say, Eddy, can you tell your brother I'm ready to climb any time he is?"
Edd: "Climb?"
Eddy: "Did you see that? Now chicks are falling for me, Double D! It's working!"
Edd: "Eddy, wait!"
Eddy: "My brother's making it work, Double D! Something's actually working for me! Party at Kevin's house!"
Edd: "Eddy, your brother's legacy has lost control! Do you hear me, Eddy? It's changing with each interpretation!"

[A clump of grass crawls up to a front door. Rolf's hand reaches out and knocks. Kevin opens it fearfully.]
Kevin: "Eddy's brother?" [His fear is palpable.]
Rolf: "Hallo?" [Kevin looks down, disgusted.] "I must see the second born Ed-boy."

[In the living room, Eddy is in the seat of honor, sipping from a glass. Rolf kneels before him.]
Rolf: "Rolf does not mean to intrude, lesser of the two offsprings, but Rolf humbly offers Eddy's brother this token."
[Rolf looks in his bag. Eddy finishes his drink and calls to Kevin.]
Eddy: "Hey Kev, fetch me s'more soda, will ya?"
Kevin: "When's your brother gettin' here, anyway?" [The glass lands on his head.]
Ed: [eating chips] "Got any dip?"
Kevin: "I'll dip you, ya dork." [He enters the kitchen.]
Edd: "I suppose a glass of water would be out of the question then?"
Rolf: "Silence! It was Rolf's turn to grovel!" [He returns to his position at Eddy's feet.] "As Rolf was saying, Rolf offers this gift to Eddy's brother." [He holds up a woolly vest.] "A vest made from the hair of Papa's back." [Ed perks up.] "In exchange for the safety of Rolf's unoffending chickens!"
Ed: "Cool!"
Eddy: [wanting to get the vest out of his face] "Yeah, sure whatever."
Rolf: [backing away] "Thank you, Ed-boy! And thank your brother, yes, thank him!"
[A soot-covered Nazz climbs out of Kevin's chimney.]
[Every glass in the place breaks; even Ed shatters.]
Kevin: "Nice lungs, Nazz."
[A ball hits Eddy.]
Jimmy: [through the window] "There's the ball, Sarah!"
Ed: "Hiya, baby sister!" [Sarah walks in to get the ball.]
Sarah: "Brothers are stupid."
Eddy: "Oh yeah? Why don't you tell him that to his face, then?" [The kids gasp.]
Sarah: "Fine, so. Where's his face?"
[On the strength of this one statement, the mood in the room changes.]
Kevin: "Where is he, man?"
Rolf: "Rolf smells something, and it's not Papa's back hair vest!"
Nazz: "Is he coming, Eddy?"
[Eddy stands silenced.]
Edd: "Eddy, everything's become distorted, muddled, and mixed up! End this charade! Now is the time to gain that respect!"
Eddy: [nervous] "Okay, I guess I should tell you he ain't showin' up." [The kids surround him angrily.] "Today! 'Cause he missed the bus!" [The smile drops from Edd's face.] "Yeah! And he'll be at my house tomorrow at lunch!"
Kevin: [pacified and scared once more] "Awesome. Can we come over?"
Rolf: "Rolf will join you, Kevin."
Nazz: "Cool. I heard he's so strong."
Jimmy: "Is he, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Yep."
Sarah: "I bet! Come on, Jimmy." [She drags Jimmy out of the house. Eddy, with his arm on Kevin, chuckles]

[The Eds are in Eddy's room. Ed and Eddy wear smiles, while Edd knows they haven't much time.]
Eddy: [peeking out the window] "They're still sitting out there. What sheep!"
Edd: "Your rumor is a monster feeding on everyone's insecurities! Stop it before it's too late!"
Eddy: "It's just a little fib, Double D! Kevin would pound the living daylights out of me if I told him my brother ain't showing up!"
Ed: [clueless] "Did he miss another bus, Eddy? Buses can be so cruel!"
Deep Voice: "And hard on the caboose, if you know what I mean."
Edd: [scared] "Um Eddy, there's someone at your door."
Eddy: [using his friends as a shield] "It's probably Kevin. I'm ready for him." [He waves a baseball bat.]
[Someone pushes the closet door open, revealing an adult, standing tall. The face is hidden, but the body is big.]
Eddy: [sweating] "Uh oh. It's my brother!"
Ed and Edd: [Ed joyful, Edd scared] "Your brother?!"
Eddy: [nervous] "Hey bro, good to see ya! Back so soon?" [He grins, then breaks into fearful wailing.] "HONEST, IT WASN'T ME! THEY'RE ALL LYING, I SWEAR! Can I get you anything, bro, huh?" [His voice cracks.] "Can I?"
Eddy's Brother: "Get me a triple-scoop banana split sundae with chocolate sauce, marshmallows, lots of nuts."
Eddy: [suspicious] "Hey, wait a minute! What happened to that lactose thing you–"
Eddy's Brother: "See this?" [He holds a fist to Eddy's face.]

[Edd, at Eddy's door, beckons to his friends.]
Edd: "Hurry! Hurry! I'll get the ice cream!"
Eddy: "I'll get the chocolate sauce!"
Ed: "And I'll get the nuts!" [He runs through the wall.]
Edd: "Wait, don't forget the marshmallows!" [He follows Ed.]
Eddy's Brother: "Hurry it up!" [He steps out of the closet, revealing it was just Sarah on Jimmy's shoulders.]
Sarah: "Watch what you're doing, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: [afraid] "It's these darn stilts! They make me all clumsy, Sarah!"
Ed: "Hey..." [Ed is at the door, peering in on his baby sister and her friend.] "What flavor ice cream did you want?"
[Sarah clears her throat and puts on the deep voice again.]
Sarah: "Chocolate."
Ed: "Okey-dokey. Your brother wants chocolate, Eddy!" [He runs to the kitchen.]
[Sarah and Jimmy look at each other and laugh.]
Sarah: "Brothers are such idiots!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide