Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Jimmy is playing in the grass. He runs forward and somersaults.]

[Edd is emptying a ladybug jar out onto the grass.]
Edd: "Be brave, fine fellow!" [The insect crawls onto a large blade of grass before Edd's eyes.] "Out of the incubator and passed on into the world. Let's try to adapt, shall we?" [He watches it eat.] "By George, he's assimilated!"
[Jimmy, still rolling, runs over the ladybug.]
Jimmy: "Whee!"
Edd: "Guyuh." [Shocked, he looks at the empty blade of grass before realizing something.] "JIMMY, STOP!"
Jimmy: [sitting up] "Hello?" [Edd pokes through his person.]
Edd: "Stay perfectly still! Somersaulting is a wild and disreputable sport, young man. Let's hope your carelessness didn't harm the innocent." [He pulls out the ladybug.] "See? You could've crushed this poor arthropod."
Jimmy: "Was that on me?"
Edd: "Jimmy, the grass conceals a microworld, home to thousands upon thousands of fascinating insects! It just hitched a ride in your hair to–"
Jimmy: [clings to Edd, scared] "Creepy-crawly! They're all around me! They're all around me! Bugs! Sarah! Help!"
[Jimmy runs away, scared out of his mind.]
Edd: "Well, Jimmy's lack of good judgement is quite evident." [He runs into a pair of dangling legs. Walking around, he sees they're Jonny's.] "Jonny, not again!"
Jonny: [stuck in a tree] "Yup, this happens to me a lot, Double D."
Edd: "Didn't you learn from your past mistakes, Jonny? After all, it's just common sense."
Jonny: "I guess not." [He chuckles and Edd facepalms.]
Edd: "Can I help in any way?"
Jonny: "No, thanks. Plank already went for help."
[Edd looks at the prone, motionless Plank, lying about two yards behind Jonny.]
Jonny: "He'll be back around a freckle past a hair."
Edd: "In-trest-ing." [He walks away, leaving Jonny to swing and hum a ditty.]

Edd: [walking down the sidewalk] "It may just be coincidence, but it seems good judgement is at a premium today."
[Ed bursts out of his front door, carrying a belt.]
Ed: "Snake! Snake! I got it Eddy I got it!"
Eddy: "Watch it, Ed! It might bite!"
Ed: [holding the belt over his eyes] "It has blinded me with its venom!" [He ties his face up.]
Eddy: "Pull it off, Ed!"
Ed: "It is slippery, Eddy!"
[Ed wrestles with it, finally throwing the belt to the ground, where it lands between Ed and Eddy.]
Eddy: "Did you see that thing lunge at us?"
Edd: "That is a belt."
Ed: "I heard it hiss, Double D."
Edd: "Impossible, Ed."
Eddy: [prodding the belt with his foot] "It ain't movin much."
Edd: "IT'S A BELT! For crying out loud, it secures your pants!"
Eddy: [jiggling it] "Sure looked like a snake. Hey! I bet we could sell this thing as an exotic pet!"
Ed: "I'd buy it."
Edd: "That's it, I don't wanna hear any more!" [ranting] "The academic level of this cul-de-sac is dropping like a lead weight! If we don't provide ourselves with some sort of mental stimulation, we'll all be reduced to protoplasm!"
Eddy: [ignoring Edd] "Hey Lurch, with a little paint, that football could look like an alligator."
[Edd, scared, begins to sweat.]
Edd: "You need help. You all need help!" [He runs away. Ed and Eddy look at each other and shrug.]

[Kevin is walking down the lane.]
Rolf: [offscreen] "Come, Kevin."
Kevin: "Forget it, man. I don't walk with pigs."
[The camera shifts forward to reveal that Rolf is walking Wilfred. Jonny's head is stuck in the pig's mouth.]
Jonny: "I can hear the ocean, Plank!"
[Wilfred stops, and the procession comes to a halt.]
Kevin: "What the heck's that supposed to be?"
Eddy: "Don't get too close! Our pet alligator might attack in the blink of an eye." [The football has become an alligator.]
Kevin: "That's no alligator."
Eddy: "What do you know? Didn't you see it move?" [The object starts to move backward. Wonderously] "It's really moving."
Ed: "Let's sing a song!"
Jimmy: [nervous] "Someone stop that monstrosity!"
Jonny: "Let's catch it and put it in a box!" [He runs after it.]
Nazz: "Hurry, Kevin!" [The kids all go after the alligator.]
Sarah: "Feed it a rock!"
Rolf: "Let Rolf wrestle the beast!"
Eddy: [pleased by this unexpected turn of events] "We're sitting on a gold mine, Ed!"
Ed: "E-I-E-I-O!"

[Edd is holding a fishing rod. He reels in the alligator as the kids arrive. He has set up a makeshift classroom.]
Edd: "Attention. Your attention, thank you." [He walks behind the desk.] "Please be seated."
[The kids take their seats. Edd draws a diagram on the board of an alligator and then begins the lecture.]
Edd: "Good day, class. First lesson is how to differentiate between an alligator and a recreational toy."
[Edd rips the parts off of the football, revealing it as a forgery. Everyone glares at the two seated Eds.]
Eddy: [nervous] "He's wrecking everything, Ed!"
Edd: "Eddy." [He comes over to their seats in the back.] "Nazz, please switch seats with Ed."
[Ed gets up mopily, thinking he's being punished. Nazz comes over and takes Ed's seat, and Eddy goes silent.]
Nazz: "Hi, Eddy." [Eddy sweats.]
Edd: [resuming his teaching position] "That is just one example of the alarming decline in rational thinking that–" [A ripping sound is heard. Rolf is seen chewing some black gunk.] "Rolf!"
Rolf: "Hallo?"
Edd: [outraged] "Get rid of that gum."
Rolf: "This is no gum. It is the greasel for Papa's foot soakings."
Edd: [angry] "Now!" [to the class] "Look around you! Our break from school has turned us into lumbering, nonsensical ninnies!" [Rolf sticks the foot soakings to Plank.] "My apologies for being so blunt." [Kevin raises his hand.] "Yes, Kevin."
Kevin: "So, what you're saying is...you're a dork?" [The kids burst out laughing, though Ed has trouble understanding the joke.]
Edd: "I see a visual aid is in order."
[Edd puts a dunce cap on Kevin.]
Kevin: [fists raised] "That's it!" [Eddy pulls the cap down below Kevin's chin. The kids laugh.]
Eddy: "What a dunce!" [Kevin slams his head into Eddy's chest, knocking him back.]
Nazz: "Boy Kevin, that was stupid."
Edd: [getting out some envelopes] "My sentiments exactly, Nazz. I've come up with a scavenger hunt to help stimulate your minds." [He gives the stack of envelopes to Sarah.] "Note: each envelope contains a list of clues. Solve these clues, collect the object that relates to that clue, and earn a grand prize!"
Nazz: "What's the prize, Double D?"
Jonny: "Is it wood varnish?"
Jimmy: "Shiny tweezers?"
Sarah: "A new brother?"
Rolf: "It must be a jawbreaker."
Eddy: "Jawbreaker?"
Rolf: "Glistening with sugar like sweat on Nana's upper lip."
Edd: "Actually, Rolf, it's a–"
Rolf: "Rolf accepts the challenge!"
Jimmy: "Oh goodie, a hunt!" [The kids rush off to begin searching.]
Nazz: "Hurry up, Kevin!"
Edd: "The pursuit of wisdom and mental cultivation! This should–"
Eddy: "Cough up the jawbreaker!"
Ed: "Hello!"
Edd: "No!" [He slips out from between his friends.] "You don't understand!" [Eddy attacks him.]
Eddy: [gleefully] "Where'd you stash it, Double D? Where?" [Ed jumps on them.]
Ed: "I am back!" [He puts Eddy in a headlock.] "Say 'toy boat' three times really fast."
Edd: [strangled] "In order to receive the prize, you'll need to win the hunt."
Ed: "Toy boat, toy boat, toy–" [Eddy punches him.]
Edd: [waving a sheet of paper] "Read the clues, Eddy." [Eddy snatches the paper.]
Eddy: [cynical] "Clue Number 1: When I grow up, I want to be a tree." [He pauses.] "This is so stupid!"
Edd: "Absorb the clue, Eddy. I want to be a tree?"
[Eddy sweats cluelessly. Ed looks at the clue.]
Ed: "Ooh! I know, I know!" [He runs away, tearing the paper in half.]
Eddy: "You show em, Monobrow!" [to Edd] "Ha! Too. Easy."
Ed: "I win!" [He places a slice of melon on the ground.] "Jawbreaker, please."
Edd: "Ed, why would a watermelon want to be a tree?"
Ed and Eddy: "Jawbreaker, please!"
Edd: "You're not even close!" [He walks over to a tree.] "A tree." [He plucks an acorn from a branch.] "Oh, look! An acorn!" [pretending to converse with the acorn] "Wait, yes? Uh-huh? Okay, I'll tell them." [to his friends] "I'm a little acorn, and when I grow up, I want to be A TREE!" [switching between gentle and harsh] "Acorn–BECOMES A TREE! Acorn–BECOMES TREE! Acorn–TREE!"
Eddy: [during Edd's last sentence] "This is gonna take–"

Sarah: "...forever, Jimmy." [She and Jimmy are in the park, hunting for answers.] "This is stupid!"
Jimmy: "Oh don't say that, Sarah. Jonny's already ahead of us, see?" [Jonny is indeed carrying a stuffed bag.]
Jonny: [picking up a can] "Yup, it's a tin can all right. Boy, Plank, you're a brainiac!" [He stuffs it in the bag.]
Sarah: [grabbing Jonny] "What's the answer to the first clue?"
Jonny: [scratching his head] "Beats me. Plank and I thought we'd just collect stuff. Like this paper!"
[Jonny takes the paper and begins to walk away.]
Sarah: "Hey! Give that back!" [She begins to chase Jonny. Meanwhile, Nazz is putting acorns in a sack.]
Kevin: "Nazz, this is so stupid."
Nazz: "You're not even trying, Kevin. Don't you want to win that jawbreaker?"
Kevin: "What for? I got a whole garage full of jawbreakers, remember?"
[Nazz looks at the clue sheet, suddenly realizing how futile the whole exercise is.]
Nazz: "This is stupid."
[Kevin and Nazz race out of the park. Jimmy cries alone.]
Rolf: "Why do you cry, feeble one? You must shed tears of joy, as Rolf is victor of this scavenger hunt."
[Rolf's bag is completely filled. Jimmy looks inside, and two beets roll out.]
Jimmy: "This bag is full of beets." [He picks up a beet.] "What clue is beets?"
Rolf: "Know nothing! The humble beet is the answer to all riddles." [He puts his beets back.] "You bore Rolf! Rolf must claim his prize!" [He runs towards the lane.]
Jimmy: "Sarah! Rolf is cheating!"

Ed: "Pink belly!" [He slaps Edd's belly.] "Pink belly!" [Edd's stomach is slapped again.] "Pink belly!"
Edd: "Ed, please!" [He gets hit again.] "Stop it, Ed!"
Eddy: "You know how to make Ed stop, Double D. Tell us where ya hid the jawbreaker!"
Edd: "I can't do that, Eddy. I'd be denying you both an opportunity to learn."
Eddy: "Ed?"
Ed: "Pink belly!" [slap] "Pink belly!" [slap] "Pink belly!"
[Ed drops Edd. Rolf enters the lane, Sarah and Jimmy clinging to him.]
Rolf: "No jawbreaker? Swindlers! You promised Rolf the jawbreaker!"
Edd: "No, Rolf. If you recall, I did not use the word 'jawbreaker'."
Jimmy: "Ooh you're gonna pay."
Edd: "Now now, I assure you, there is a prize. Something far more valuable than a jawbreaker." [The kids perk up.] "Are you ready? The reward of higher learning!" [He pulls out a valueless diploma.] "This diploma will–" [A beet smacks him in the head.]
Sarah: "Nice shot, Rolf." [She hands Rolf another beet. Jonny arrives, bruised and battered.]
Jonny: "Are we too late for the prize?"
Sarah: "Nope! One moment, please." [She takes Jonny's bag and slams it over Edd offscreen, causing Ed and Eddy to wince before she leaves.] "Break it up, boys." [Eddy and Ed approach the crater the bag is resting in, and the latter pours out its contents which now include Edd.]
Edd: "There's a lesson to be–" [a tin can hits him in the face] "–learned here, gentlemen."
Eddy: [picking up a sprinkler] "Check it out, Ed! This looks just like an iguana!"

[The Eds are running an exotic pet stand. Kevin picks up the redecorated sprinkler.]
Kevin: "Is this thing supposed to be dead?"
Eddy: "The iguana ain't dead, windbag. It's just–uh–" [He elbows Edd, waiting for an explanation.]
Edd: "Sleeping like a baby, Kevin. That'll be twenty-five cents."
Jonny: "Sold!" [He slaps down a quarter and carries the iguana away.]
Edd: "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Eddy: [indifferent] "Who's complaining?"
[Further down the driveway, Ed is acting as a snake charmer. He uses the belt as a snake and his toes to manipulate the false snake for an enraptured audience consisting of Rolf.]
Rolf: [amazed] "Oh! Oh! I see it, but Rolf cannot believe it! Oooh! Oh!"

For Shawn "Wilfrid" Godin.


Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide