Boys Will Be Eds/Script

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Script

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[The Eds are selling sandwiches. Jimmy has bought one, and is being chased around by Victor.]
Jimmy: "Aah! Leave me alone! Someone turn a radio on, soothe this savage beast!"
Rolf: [chasing after them] "Drop the sandwich, you fool!"
Edd: "And here I thought selling sandwiches would be a safe and innocent venture."
Jimmy: [runs past Kevin, Jonny, and Plank] "My sandwich, my sandwich, my sandwich! Sarah, help me! I'm so delicate! Don't just stand there, do something! Sarah!" [The meat falls out of the sandwich and Jimmy slips on it.] "Darn it."
[Victor gloms on to the sandwich Jimmy is holding.]
Ed: "Share it with me, Victor!" [He runs straight through the sandwich stand, splitting it in two in the process, to see what happens next. Eddy follows with glee.]
Edd: "It's all fun and games until someone spills the mayonnaise."
[Kevin, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Jonny, and Plank look on as Rolf tries to pull Victor off Jimmy.]
Eddy: "Thattaboy, Victor!"
Rolf: "Victor! Do not spoil your supper with the white bread!"
Jimmy: "Sarah! Help!" [Victor eats part of Jimmy's sleeve.] "Goat germs!"
Rolf: "Victor! Let go of the confused and delicate one!"
[Sarah comes up behind Rolf and hits him over the head with a tennis racket.]
Sarah: "You leave Jimmy alone!" [She drags Rolf off-screen to beat him up.]
Eddy: "This just keeps getting better!" [He falls to the ground in a fit of laughter.] "My ribs are killing me! Call a doctor, Double D!"
Edd: "I fail to see a comedy in Jimmy's tragedy, Eddy. There is nothing funny about being chased around the yard, then–" [a smile appears] "–unintentionally slipping on a–" [a giggle pops out] "–slice of luncheon meat!" [He bursts into laughter. Kevin joins in, and Ed and Jonny smile.]
Kevin: "Fluffy ran like a chicken!" [All the boys except Ed, Jimmy, and Rolf laugh.]
Ed: "I love chickens, guys!"
Nazz: [approaches the boys] "Where do you guys get off? You guys are totally acting like jerks. Why don't you leave poor Jimmy alone? He's younger than you, you know, and" [at this point, all the boys hear from Nazz is...] "blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah..."
[While Nazz's voice trails off, the boys stand in a row in front of her, looking at her with love in their eyes.]
Kevin: "Man, Nazz looks awesome today."
Jonny: [blushing] "I wanna write Nazz a poem, and I hate writing."
Ed: [nervous] "Double D? My tummy feels all wiggly and crawly inside."
Edd: "That's nice, Ed."
Eddy: "I feel like the Nazz on the back of my Nazz is standing on Nazz."
Edd: "That's nice, Ed."
[Nazz has stopped talking. She stares at them, somewhat annoyed.]
Nazz: "Hel-lo?" [The boys stare back with goofy grins, except Ed, who is blushing and looks scared.]
Jonny: [giggling] "Hello."
Nazz: "Oh, brother."
Sarah: "For crying out loud, Jimmy, get up, willya?" [Jimmy crawls to Sarah, and she picks him up.]
Nazz: "Hey, Sarah, you and Jimmy wanna play some baseball?"
Sarah: "Me and Jimmy love baseball!" [Sarah, Nazz, and Jimmy hustle off.]
Jimmy: [offscreen] "I feel queasy."
[After they leave, Ed falls over. The boys stay entranced for a few moments, but Kevin suddenly snaps out of it.]
Kevin: "Hey, where you going, Nazz?"
Jonny: "Woohoo! Count me in, Nazz!" [They run after the trio.]
Edd: "There's something bewitching about Nazz today. An unusual enchantment." [Walking off, he steps on Ed's face and doesn't even notice.] "A happening of sorts."
Eddy: "She's happening, all right!" [He follows Edd, stepping on Ed's face.]
Ed: "I feel like a doormat. Can it be love?"

---

[Kevin is on the pitchers mound, plopping the ball into his glove distractedly.]
Sarah: "Throw the ball, you idiot!"
[Nazz is on deck, and Kevin is staring at her instead of pitching to the current batter. The Eds watch from the fence.]
Edd: "Nazz is as graceful as a gazelle leaping through a field of buttercups."
Eddy: "Yeah. A ga-whatchamacallit."
Kevin: "I'm dedicating this game to you, Nazz."
Nazz: "Gee thanks, Kevin."
Jonny: [trying to get Nazz's interest] "Plank and I make our own doughnuts!"
Jimmy: "Holy macaroni!"
[The pitch zooms in with such force that it knocks Sarah backwards. Jimmy swings wildly, and the bat goes flying.]
Nazz: "Heads up, everybody!"
Ed and Eddy: [entranced] "Heads up everybody." [The bat slams into Eddy's face.]
Edd: "Eddy! Are you alright?"
Ed: [picking up the bat with Eddy on it] "Oh, look! A bouquet of flowers for Nazz!"
Edd: "A tad pungent, don't you think, Ed?"
Eddy: [prying his mouth off the bat] "I'll give you a bou–"
Nazz: "Hi, Eddy. Like, we need our bat for the game? [She and Jonny are looking at them, though Jonny disappears and Kevin takes his place.] Hey, why don't you guys play with us?"
[Kevin stops looking at Nazz and develops a look of annoyance while the Eds stare back in silent enchantment.]
Edd: [whispering] "Politely decline, Eddy! We know nothing about the dynamics of team sports!"
Ed: "With bells on our toes, Miss Nazz!"

---

[Nazz bangs her bat on home plate.]
Nazz: "C'mon, Kev, give it all you got!"
[Kevin throws a pitch that bounces over the plate.]
Sarah: "You call that a pitch?"
Nazz: "Ready, Kev! Show me what you're made of, dude!"
Kevin (thinking): "She's so radical."
Eddy (thinking): "She can't take her eyes off me."
Edd (thinking): "Her hair is so clean, and not flyaway at all."
Ed (thinking): "Hello? Echo! MY NAME IS ED!"
Sarah: "Throw the ball, slowpoke!"
[Kevin winds up and fires a fastball. It goes past Nazz but hits Sarah on her helmet, making it look as though Nazz hit it. It bounces into play like a grounder.]
Nazz: "Did I hit it? Awesome!" [She goes for first.]
Jimmy: "Pick up the ball, Kevin, hurry! Pick it up!"
Kevin: "Yeah, sure. I'm on it." [He makes no move towards the ball, which has come to rest at his feet.]
Eddy: "Go Nazz go!"
Sarah: [grabbing the ball] "Oh, for goodness sake! Catch it, Double D!"
[The ball hits Edd on the side of the head, and he falls over.]
Nazz: [rounding first] "Later, dude."
Edd: [dreamily] "She called me dude."
Ed: "She's so good."
Nazz: [rounding second] "Safe!"
Sarah: [to Eddy, the second baseman] "Hey, stupid, you're supposed to get her out!"
[Eddy sticks his leg out and trips Sarah. The ball bounces to Ed, the third baseman.]
Ed: "Aw, look!" [He picks up the ball.]
Nazz: "Hiya big guy. Are you gonna touch me with that ball?"
[Ed screams and runs down the third base line. He collides with Jimmy, and the ball goes flying. Sarah, standing on home plate, reaches up and grabs the ball. Jonny lifts the plate up from under her.]
Jonny: "Here's home plate, Nazz!"
[Nazz jumps on it, pinning Jonny under the plate. Jonny sticks his hand out and gives Nazz a thumbs-up.]
The Boys: "She's safe!"
Nazz: "I win!"
Kevin: "Cool, Nazz. I knew you could–"
Eddy: [grabbing the ball as he shoves his face into Kevin's] "I wanna pitch to Nazz."
Kevin: "Get outta my face, dork."
Jonny: [grabbing the ball from below] "No way, Jose! I'm gonna pitch to Nazz!"
Ed: [picks up the ball and everyone else holding it] "Hang on there, mateys. I will throw the football to Nazz."
Eddy: "It's a baseball, stupid."
Ed: "Sure am, Eddy."
Jonny: [noticing Nazz watching] "She's looking at us, Plank."
Kevin: [kicking his competitors away] "Ready, Nazz?"
Jonny: [attacking with Eddy] "It's not your turn!"
Ed: [carrying Edd as he joins the other boys] "Okay, then it's Double D's turn!"
Edd: "Ed, don't."
Nazz: "Boys are so immature!"
Sarah: "Who needs them? Let's go play someplace else!" [Jimmy throws his glove down in solidarity.]
Jimmy: "Wait for me, ladies!"
Jonny: [escaping the brawl] "She's on the move again, Plank." [The fight stops.]
Kevin: [to the Eds] "Oh, good one. Now Nazz thinks I'm a dork."

---

[Rolf is shearing Victor. His razor hits the goat's bell.]
Rolf: "Son of a gun."
Kevin: "You gotta help me, Rolf. Nazz thinks I'm a dork. How could something so righteous be so wrong, man?"
Rolf: "I see. So, Kevin would like Rolf to assist him with the Nazz, yes? No. Too bad, go away. Come again another day."
Kevin: "Harsh."
Rolf: [jovial] "Rolf pokes fun at you, Kevin. I have never seen such a killjoy. Come, Rolf makes good."
[Rolf runs off with Kevin. The moment he leaves, the Eds explode out of his chicken coop.]
Edd: "Oh, dear! It appears Kevin and Rolf have unified in an attempt to impress Nazz."
Ed: "Can I impress Nazz with my sensitive side and draw her a picture of a chicken?" [The chicken he's holding bites him on the lips.]
Eddy: "Does that answer your question, Ed? You won't impress Nazz with chickens!"
Ed: "I won't?"
Edd: "A rare moment indeed. But Eddy's right."
Eddy: "And I know exactly what will–" [He realizes he doesn't want his friends in on his scheme.] "Pardon me. I think I heard my mother call." [Eddy runs away.]
Edd: "Hey, you!" [muttering] "So that's how it's gonna be, is it?" [He runs in another direction.] "Coming, Ed?" [Ed follows, the chicken still attached to his lips. Edd brings the bird back.] "Please no chickens, Ed."
Ed: "I can't feel my lips, Double D."

---

[Rolf wheels Victor in. On his side is shaved "Nazz."]
Nazz: "Victor changed his name to Nazz, just like me!"
Rolf: "Are you weak in the upper story?"
Kevin: [sweating] "Later, Rolf. Kinda neat, huh Nazz? It's sort of a gift. For you."
Nazz: "Why's Nazz wearing my skates?"
Kevin: "Um, yeah! I put in new bearings so they glide real smooth, you know."
Nazz: "Awesome!"
Rolf: "Rolf will sit to the side and observe with hysterics!"
Eddy: "Hi, Nazz!" [He kicks Kevin out of the way.] "How about slipping your tootsies into this baby?" [He holds up a red high-heeled shoe.] "All the way from France."
Nazz: "Um, gee Eddy. Thanks?" [A briefcase appears in front of her.]
Edd: "I hope you enjoy this small offering, as everyone loves oral hygiene." [He opens the case to reveal several dental products.]
Kevin: "Get lost, nerdo. Hey Nazz. How about I let you wear my hat?"
Nazz: [backing up] "No thanks, Kevin. Hats mess up my do." [She runs into Ed.] "Hey there, Ed."
[Ed's shirt is lifted, revealing a picture of Nazz drawn on his stomach.]
Ed: "It's you. And I drew it."
Nazz: "I don't know what to say."
Ed: "Should I hang it in your room?"
Eddy: [moves Ed to the left] "Remember me? Of course you do. How's this tickle you?" [He holds up a rolling pin.]
Kevin: [shoves both Ed and Eddy out to the right] "Me again. Sorry about your hair." [He holds out a hairbrush.]
Edd: [with a hair-cleaning device] "If neat hair is what you desire, why not massage your follicles with my–"
Jonny: [smashes his head through the device] "How about a nice bowl of steaming hot twee?" [offers a bowl of oatmeal]
Ed: [putting a brick in the cereal] "A pretty brick for Nazz."
Eddy: [with Kevin's bike] "Nazz would love a new bike!"
Ed: [holds up a toilet] "Or a new toilet?"
Kevin: [takes back his bike] "Not the bike, dork." [smashes Eddy with the front wheel]
Edd: [with a frozen beetle] "A perfectly preserved heteropterous in an acrylic mask?"
Eddy: "What's up, Nazz?"
Kevin: "Check out the wrench, Nazz." [Nazz looks around in confusion.]
Jonny: "A feather?"
Edd: "Excuse me, Nazz."
Jonny: "Hey Nazz!"
Ed: [holding a blender] "Who's up for smoothies?!"
[The pressure of so much attention gets to Nazz, and she runs away from the boys screaming.]
Nazz: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"
Kevin: [to Eddy] "Get off me!" [Rolf laughs uproariously as Kevin shoves Eddy aside.] "Nazz, wait! Don't leave me here with these losers!"
Edd: "I have a feeling our attempts to garner Nazz's attention failed not impress her. Don't you think, Eddy?"
Eddy: "What was your first clue, Einstein?"
Ed: [playing with his belly] "Blow a kiss to your fans, Nazz!" [falsetto] "Okay! Mm-aah, mm-aah, mm-aah, mm-aah."

---

[The Eds sneak over to the side of a house and come to a stop beneath a window.]
Eddy: "Over here, quick!"
Edd: "Eddy, please! This is not good! My profuse sweating indicates that we've established the fact that Nazz doesn't know we exist!"
Eddy: "I picked a good one. She'll be swooning in no time."
Ed: "BRING IT ON HOME!"
Eddy: "Shut up, you idiot!" [In the windowed room, a light turns on. Someone comes to the window.]
Edd: "Our vision of beauty approaches."
Eddy: "You start, Double D."
Edd: "Oh dear! She spotted us. You have the floor, Eddy."
Eddy: "You're such a chicken, Double D. Whaddaya think she'll do, bite you?"
Edd: "Yes."
Eddy: "Get out there!" [He puts Edd center stage.]
[Eddy pushes some bongos in front of Edd. Ed starts playing comb and paper. Edd begins to drum.]
Eddy: [singing] "Hit me! Have mercy! Sweet Nazz don't give me gas! Right on! Oh Nazz! Uh huh you are so rad! Oh baby! Stop me! Uh huh!"
[Jimmy throws open his window.]
Jimmy: "You guys rock!"
Eddy: [shocked] "Jimmy?"
Edd: [mortified] "Oh, hello, Jimmy."
Ed: "Nice head there, bucko!"
Jimmy: "Can I join your band? I play a mean xylophone."
[The Eds are quick to deny his request.]
Eddy: "No thanks."
Edd: "Uh, well later."
Ed: "Good night Jimmy."
Edd: "Well, we'll talk about it."