Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Eddy stands in the middle of the lane, holding a sign that says "25¢ A Ride."]
Eddy: "Thrill of a lifetime! 25 cents a ride!" [Sarah, then Nazz, ride past on bikes] "Only 25 cents! Real cheap for a thrill!" [Rolf rides past on a unicycle] "What's the big deal? It's a lousy quarter." [He throws his sign to the ground angrily, and then storms over to Ed and Double D.] "What are you guys doing? Waiting for a bus? We need to show these folks how much fun this ride is! So they'll cough up some cash!"
Edd: [as the tire swing is pulled back] "Oh, dear."
Ed: "Donuts are made for dunking!"
Edd: [panicking as Ed pushes the swing] "Ed! Eddy!"
Ed: "Dunk a donut!" [he pushes the swing higher]
Edd: "I think, I'm gonna be ill!"
Eddy: "I'd pay a quarter for that! Higher, Ed!"
[Ed proceeds to give the swing its hardest push yet. The rope to which it's attached to breaks, sending the tire down the lane. It heads directly for Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Heavens to Betsy! SARAH! Help!" [He gets run over by the tire.]
Edd: "Eddy! Help!" [The tire is heading directly for Sarah, Nazz, Kevin, and Jonny. The kids all scream. Luckily, the tire hits a rock and caroms off into the air.] "EDDY!" [The tire lands in the water with a big splash.]
Rolf: "Ha ha! Double D flew faster than my father's shoe on bath night."
Jimmy: "Egads!"
Kevin: [as Ed and Eddy make the scene] "Are you dorks up to something?"
Eddy: [reaching for an excuse] "What? We were just–uh–uh–" [getting an idea] "–launching our new luxury cruise line! For a small fee, we'll offer two lucky passengers a relaxing cruise. Look how relaxed Double D is." [The camera shifts to show Edd panting from the ordeal.] "Who's in for the thrill of a lifetime?"
Jonny: "I've never been on a boat cruise before."
Jimmy: "It's so romantic!"
Eddy: [sensing victims] "Only 25 cents."
[The kids all wave their hands and shout assent.]
Eddy: [to Ed in an undertone] "Am I good or what?"
Ed: [knocks Eddy over holding up two fingers] "You're number 2, Eddy."

[The tire is turned on its side and now has a floor, a mast, and a sail. It is also floating in the water. Ed stands by it, collecting money and throwing makeshift confetti.]
Jimmy: "Hurry Jonny!"
Ed: "Captain Eddy says to take their dough."
Jonny: "Nice hat, Ed!"
Ed: [throwing more confetti as Rolf approaches] "Captain Eddy says only two suckers at a time."
Jimmy: "Hot diggity dog, look Jonny! A bridge!" [pausing] "Is it safe, Captain Eddy?"
Eddy: "Is it safe? What are ya? Come on, squirts, the cruise awaits!"
Jimmy: [getting on the bridge with Jonny] "It seems to be holding out."
Jonny: "Looks safe to me." [The bridge suddenly collapses, soaking them both. They scream in tandem.]
Eddy: "Looks like you got a soaker, boys!" [pulling them out] "Welcome aboard Eddy's Creek Cruise." [to Jimmy] "You look like a drowned rat! Here's a complimentary towel. Don't lose it, it's the only one I got."
Jonny: "Captain Eddy, the boat seems quite sound. How did you manage the inflation of the bow?"
Eddy: "Hmm." [seeing a distraction] "Oh look! Here comes our enginerical second-class yeoman!"
Ed: "Yo, Eddy."
[Edd raises the sail while Ed pulls out the anchor–his mom's stove.]
Ed: "Uh, Eddy? Are you sure my mom can still use this?"
Edd: [blowing on a bottle to create a loud, conch shell effect] "We're set for launch, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Everybody comfy? LET'S SET SAIL!" [Jonny and Jimmy giggle and clap] "FULL SPEED THATAWAY!"
[Ed lowers his lower half into the water and begins to kick his feet.]
Ed: "Kick my feet, kick my feet, kick my feet."

[Edd and Jimmy are sitting barefoot in the boat.]
Jimmy: "Hey sailor, I'm parched. What have you got in the treasure chest."
Edd: "Well Jimmy, the refreshments I've prepared are carefully blended fruit juices, guaranteed to quench a thirst and prevent scurvy." [He pours Jimmy a cup.]
Jimmy: [examining it] "This juice is full of pulp!"
Edd: [taking the cup and offering it to Jonny] "Jonny?"
Jonny: "Thanks, Double D!" [turning to Plank] "Fruit pulp, Plank, fruit pulp! Relax."
Eddy: "Land ho!"
Jonny: "Where Eddy, where?"
Eddy: [gesturing to each side of the creek] "Land over there, and land over there!" [Edd, Ed and Jimmy giggle.] "It's a joke, Jonny. Lighten up."

[The camera shifts to the trailer park, where Lee, May and Marie Kanker are doing the laundry.]
May: "We oughta get a man to do these chores!" [she fishes a hot dog out of the laundry basket] "Nice and clean."
Eddy: [in the distance] "Plug up the board! Fire up the hatches! Rewind that tape!"
Lee: "Hey!" [pointing to the creek] "Look!"
Eddy: "Torque up the tommy-hose!"
May: "It's the Eds!"
Marie: "Ain't they dreamy?"
Lee: "I just wanna hug the little loudmouthed one."
Eddy: "Tote that yard sprinkler! Batten down the poop deck!" [the boat sails off]

[Ed is seen staring through the wrong end of a telescope. A speaker attached to the mast begins to crackle.]
Eddy: "Is this thing on?"
Edd: "Eddy, just speak into the mike."
Eddy: "What, this?"
Edd: "Yes!"
Eddy: "Okay, okay." [clearly heard now] "Welcome passengers, I'm Captain Eddy, of Eddy's Creek Cruise, where you get more bang, for your buck. I'd like you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the soothing sounds of 88-Fingers Eddward!"
Edd: [sighs] "This instrument is so annoying."
[Edd then proceeds to play perhaps the best example of pedal steel guitar you will ever hear in a cartoon. Everybody's jaws drop in amazement at his legendary picking.]

[Jonny is seen dipping his hand in the water and splashing it back and forth.]
Jonny: "There's something about the high seas and pedal steel guitar that makes me yearn for adventure, Plank."
Jimmy: "Eddy, we've run out of refreshments. And this rubber tube's giving me a rash."
Eddy: "Hey kid, I'm on my break, d'you mind?"
Jonny: "Captain Eddy! Look!"
Eddy: "What is it, Ed?"
Ed: [looking through the wrong end of the telescope] "I can't see it, Eddy, it is too far away."
Eddy: "You're looking through the wrong end! Gimme that thing." [Ed throws it down, and Eddy is hit on the head with it. He picks it up and looks through it at the approaching vessel.] "Hmm. Hmm. What the–" [recognizing the crew] "Uh oh."
The Kankers: [waving on cue] "Hiya boys!"
Eddy: "PIRATES!"
Jimmy and Edd: [terrified, echoing him] "Pirates!"
Jonny: [intrigued] "Pirates?"
Jimmy: [clutching at Jonny] "Pirates like to roughhouse. I'm scared!"
Jonny: [his interest piqued] "Do they?"
Eddy: "Ed! Fire up the engine!"
Ed: "Roger walnut, Eddy! Jumping." [He jumps down, rocking the boat, and puts his lower half in the water again.] "Kick my feet, kick my feet, kick my feet."
Eddy: "Faster, Ed!"
Ed: "Kick my feet faster, kick my feet faster. Kick my feet faster."
Lee: "I wanna be their barnacle of love!" [the Kankers giggle]
May: "Barnacle!"
Jonny: "We're being chased by pirates, Plank! Oh boy!"
Jimmy: "Someone get me off this merry-go-round called life!"
Lee: "Let's go ring their doorbell, girls."
[The Kankers proceed to raise a giant sail, propelling them toward the Eds at a much higher rate.]
Eddy: [confident in getting away] "We'll hit shore in no time and run like cowards."
Edd: [noticing the new pace the Kankers have set] "Um, Eddy?"
Eddy: [oblivious] "Thank me later, Double D." [He turns around, and gasps at how close the Kankers are.]
Lee: "Stop teasing us, boys!"
Eddy: "Ed, do something!"
Ed: "Ahoy!"
[Ed pulls on his right ear in much the same way one would pull on the starter to a gas-powered machine. His lips start to rumble, but stop. He tries it again, with the same result. Ed then attempts it a third time, and this time is successful. He plunges his head into the water, and the little ship takes off like a rocket. Everyone on board utters cries of either joy or fear.]
Jimmy: "Oh, the misery!"
Jonny: "Wa-hoo-hoo! Hang on, Plank!"
Jimmy: [is violently ill over the side]
Eddy: "Whoa!"
Edd: "Stop!"
Jonny: "Whee! Come and get us, pirates!"
May: [as Lee seethes] "Our treasure's getting away!"
Marie: [going over to a weed whacker attached to the back of the boat] "Not for long!" [She starts the weed whacker and lowers it into the water. The Kankers catch up to the Eds in seconds, destroying their momentum and stopping them.]
Edd: [soaked] "Eddy, I'm so wet!"
Lee: "No hard feelings, buttercups!"
May: "Let's kiss and make up." [The Kankers make kissy faces.]
Jimmy: [points upward] "Oh look!"

[Everybody looks up. Jonny is revealed to be standing on top of the Kankers giant sail. He plunges Plank into it, and then slides down, ripping it straight through the middle.]
Marie: [stating the obvious] "That kid's ripping our sail!"
[Jonny jumps off the Kankers boat and swims onto Eddy's Creek Cruise.]
Jimmy: "Just like Errol Flynn!" [everyone cheers]
Lee: "Those were my best bedsheets. Time for the heavy artillery!" [pulls out a hairpin] "Sink 'em, May!"
May: [putting the pin in a rubber band and aiming] "Lee, my patch." [Lee lifts the eyepatch. May takes aim and fires it directly into the tire.]
Jimmy: [watching] "Look!" [the pin hits the tire] "Jonny! Save us!"
Eddy: [belligerent] "I'm the captain here, I'll handle it!" [walks over to the pin] "Oh look, a bobby pin. So scary." [starts to pull it out]
Edd: "Eddy! Please don't–"
Eddy: "What? It's just stuck!" [He pulls it out. Holding up the pin] "See?"
[All the air rushes out of the tire, and the boat spins around the creek out of control. In the end, Ed is standing on his tippy-toes, balanced on the small piece of rubber, holding all of his friends in his grasp.]
Ed: "New ride."
[The rubber can't support their weight, and they all fall into the creek.]

[A shot of the torn Kanker sail is shown, and then the camera fixes on Jimmy and Jonny, who are standing on the boat, carefully balanced.]
Lee: "Walk the plank, you sniveling squirts!" [She prods them with a stick.]
May: "Oh yeah! Okay! Do it!"
Jimmy: "Let's get it over with, Jonny."
Lee: "Keep walking."
The Kankers: [chanting] "Walk! Walk! Walk! Walk! Walk! Walk!"
Jonny: [the plank is Plank] "Uuh! Oh my. I'm walking all over Plank's face!"
The Kankers: [chanting] "Walk! Walk! Walk!" [Jonny and Jimmy start to wobble] "Walk! Walk! Walk!"
Jonny: "Forgive me, Plank!"
Jimmy: "Aah!" [throws Jonny off] "My hair!" [He falls overboard. The Kankers cheer.]
Lee: "Time to claim our booty, girls." [They turn to the Eds, who are huddled together in a corner of the boat.]
Edd: "Not good! Not good!" [The Kankers block out the camera while making kissy noises, and the scene closes with the Eds screaming.]

[The Eds, with their clothes torn and soaked through, are seen coming out of the creek. Rolf is then shown in tourist apparel, jiggling some coins.]
Rolf: "Hallo, Ed-boys! When is the next sailing? My flesh begs me for sun and sweat." [Edd hands him the ruins of the tire.] "What?" [He stares dumbly.] "Huh?"
Edd: [lifting his hat to reveal several lipstick prints] "I was kind of hoping my first kiss would be... enjoyable."
Eddy: [with lip prints on his face as well] "Alas, the sea is a cruel mistress."
Ed: [lip prints on his face] "I'm stumped."
[The camera pulls back to reveal water pouring out of his ears onto each of his friends. Jimmy can be seen in the background, floating by.]
Jimmy: "Hair emergency! Hair emergency!"

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide