Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Rolf is crawling along the sidewalk, sniffing as he goes. He crawls over Jonny.]
Jonny: "Hiya, Rolf! What'cha doing there, guy?"
Rolf: "Silence! Rolf must brood."
[Rolf follows the trail to Ed's house, which he enters, still crawling. He comes to the basement steps and falls down them. He looks through a keyhole into Ed's room. Inside, Ed has his bathtub filled with water and a group of Rolf's chickens wearing diving masks are floating in it.]
Edd: [worried] "Ed, this is so wrong! Rolf's sure to discover his chickens are missing!" [Rolf kicks open the door to enter.]
Ed: [to the chickens while he holds a hula hoop] "Here we go! Jump! You there, upsy-daisy!"
[Edd taps Ed on the shoulder, who looks up to see Rolf fuming with rage.]
Ed: "Uhh...I think you have to go home, chickens."
Edd: "Please excuse Ed, he meant-"
Rolf: [motioning for Edd to stop, then, pleasantly] "Let Rolf understand this. I suppose disgracing Rolf is okay to you, Ed boy. Walking off with Rolf's chickens like a fine howdy-do?"
Ed: "It was their idea, Rolf. As they wanted to be the best chickens they could be! Bless their little giblets."
[Ed suddenly notices Eddy outside of his window, pushing a crate.]
[Rolf gets hit by a crate flying down the stairs. The impact sends Rolf flying out the basement window.]
Ed: "That concludes our lessons for today, ladies! Ta Ta! Same time tomorrow!"
[The chickens exit by virtue of a ski pole leading to the window.]
Eddy: [coming down the stairs] "Hey guys, look at what my brother sent me! That big lug."
Edd: "Your brother sent you this?"
Ed: "I think his brother sent it to him, Double D."
Eddy: "Check it out! I bet it's a car or something."
Edd: [reading the crate's label] "Why, this seems to be addressed to a 'Pipsqueak,' Eddy. A pet name for his baby brother, I assume?" [Ed and Edd giggle.]
Eddy: "Yeah, so? That means head honcho in our house. Why else would he send me the key to a new truck?"
[Eddy holds up a pacifier. Ed and Edd laugh.]
Eddy: [realizing] "This is baby stuff! What's he think I am, a two year old?!" [He pulls out a rattle and shakes it.]
Ed: "Cool."
[Eddy chucks the rattle offscreen. Ed runs after it.]
Eddy: [turning to the chuckling Edd] "What are you lookin' at?"
Edd: [still giggling] "I'm sorry, Eddy, but don't you think it's rather amusing that your brother still thinks of you as his baby brother?"
Eddy: [angry] "No! I HATE being a baby brother!"
Edd: [rolling his eyes] "OK, then."
Ed: [grabbing his friends] "Listen." [He shakes the rattle.]
Eddy: [getting an idea] "Hold your horses! I'll just show him how big I've gotten. Ed, take me to the mailbox, pronto!" [Eddy seals himself in the crate and Ed carries him upstairs]
Ed: "Gotcha, Eddy! Whoa, right over my head."
Edd: "Wouldn't it be easier just to mail a letter describing yourself, Eddy?" [Ed loses his balance on the top of the stairs and falls down with the crate crashing back down into the basement, bursting Eddy out.] "Why, if I were you, I'd write a book, a biography of sorts."
Eddy: "You don't get out much, do ya?"
Ed: [exits the crate somehow] "If I were me, I would make a home movie."
Eddy: "Ed, that's it! We'll make a home movie! Double D, you're the cameraman."
Edd: "But Eddy, we don't have a-"
Eddy: "I'll be the exec. producer, exec. director, exec. writer and of course, the star."
[In the background, Ed reaches for something in his dryer.]
Edd: "We can't shoot a movie without-"
Eddy: "Ed can be...Ed. We'll show my brother that Eddy's all grown up!"
Edd: "You're forgetting something, Eddy! We need a-"
Ed: [pulling a camcorder from his dryer and tossing it to Edd] "Camera, static free."
Edd: "Why do you keep a camera in your dryer, Ed?"
Ed: [oblivious] "What?"
Eddy: "There you have it."
Edd: "Well, we do have a camera."
Eddy: "Let's make a movie!"
Ed: "Can I lick the bowl?"
Edd: [trying to work the camera] "Ed, do you have a manual for this?"
Ed: "Somewhere."

[Edd is recording. A chair is sitting in Eddy's driveway. Bags of money surround it.]
Eddy: [flying in out of nowhere onto the chair, wearing a mustache] "Hiya, bro! What's up? It's me, Eddy, all grown up and livin' the life. Who'd have thought, huh? Check out my mustache."
Edd: "OK, cut. Uhh, we'll need to get a close up, Eddy."
Eddy: "Um, how was that?"

[Edd has moved in close.]
Eddy: "This thing's giving me a rash."
Edd: "Action!"
Eddy: "Looks like I inherited your genes for the face fur, huh bro? And you know what?"

[Edd is back to his first position.]
Eddy: "Now?"
Edd: "Action."
Eddy: "And you know what? I'm loaded. Been investing for years; real estates, stocks, bonds. I've even bought me a couple of planets! Yep, already own Saturn and Pluto."
[Edd turns the camera on Ed, who is sticking dollar signs on trash bags.]
Edd: [sarcastic] "Oh, come now, Eddy."
Ed: "Boy, being rich really stinks." [He throws one of the bags towards Eddy's pile.]
Eddy: [turning the camera back to him] "What the heck are you doing?! Don't film that!"
Edd: [sarcastically] "Sorry, Eddy; the planet baron story threw me off." [Eddy's moustache falls off.]
Eddy: "Cut, cut! How's my brother supposed to think I'm cool when you guys keep–"
[Ed shakes his head. It sounds like the rattle.]

[The Eds are walking along the sidewalk.]
Edd: "Action."
Eddy: "Unlike myself, the old neighborhood's still the same as you left it, bro. Hey, did I tell ya? I'm mayor now! Right, Ed?"
Ed: [seeing Kevin ride past] "Hi, Kevin!"
Eddy: [stopping at a hydrant] "See that loser? That's Kevin. He's the neighborhood dork." [Kevin appears behind Eddy.] I have to slap him around every now and then, just to remind him who's boss."
Edd: [Backs up as Kevin notices the camera] "Eddy..."
Kevin: "Neighborhood dork, huh?" [He wedgies Eddy, pulling the underwear over the back of his bike.] "Hey, Double Dweeb! You getting this?"
Eddy: [trying to act cool] "He collects underwear and gives it to the poor." [Kevin rides off, dragging Eddy's underwear along. Eddy grabs the hydrant to keep from being pulled off.] "Pretty stupid, huh bro?" [The tension becomes too great, and Eddy is pulled away from the hydrant.] "Help!"

[Eddy's underwear snaps and he bounces on the road before landing in a heap.]
Ed: "Look at him bounce, Eddy's brother!"
Edd: [worried] "Eddy, are you all right?!"

Ed: [offering Eddy the rattle] "Boy, Eddy! You deserve a shake for that."
[Eddy grabs rattle from Ed and throws it to the ground. He leaps on it in an attempt to destroy it, but instead slips on it and falls over.]
Edd: [sarcastic] "I must say, if I were your brother, I'd be very impressed."

[The filming has moved to the park. Edd searches for his actors.]
Edd: [scared] "Eddy, where are you?"
Eddy: "Over here, Spielberg."
Edd: [filming him] "There you are."
Jimmy: "Race you to the swings, Sarah!"
Eddy: "Hey, bro! Remember how you used to own the playground? Well, it's mine now. Check this out."
Sarah: "Outta the way, horse head! We wanna play on the swings!"
Eddy: "You know the drill: Cough up some dough, then swing."
Sarah: [outraged] "What'd you say?!"
Edd: "Ok, cut! Hold your positions please."

[Edd positions the two new additions to the cast.]
Edd: "Ready, now. Oh, Jimmy, a little closer if you will. Fine. And cue set-"
[Sarah punches the camera and knocks it out of Edd's hands. It falls on the ground and begins recording.]
Edd: [hurrying to pick it up] "Oh, dear."
Sarah: "Ed! Get your stupid friends out of the way!"
[Edd picks up the camera and begins filming again.]
Eddy: "No use pleading for mercy, Sarah. Ed obeys only his supreme leader. That's me, bro."
Ed: "OK, Sarah!" [Ed grabs Eddy.]
Eddy: "Umm...Ed here is showing Sarah what I'll do to her if she doesn't take a HIKE!" [Ed throws Eddy onto the swing-set pole. Eddy's body elongates and wraps around it.]
Ed: "There you go, baby sister! Swing to your heart's content."
Edd: "Okay, people! A big smile for Eddy's brother!"
[Sarah, pleased, complies with the director's request.]

[The Eds are on the street again. Edd and Eddy are on the sidewalk, despondently trying to think of something that will save the movie. Ed is playing with the camcorder.]
Ed: "Hello, my name is Ed." [He licks the camera's lens.]
Eddy: "Running out of ideas, Double D. Think of something that'll make me look good."
Edd: [seeing Ed] "Ed, you be careful with that!" [no longer caring] "Oh, what do I care? It's his camera."
Ed: "Man the helms! Dive! Dive!"
[Ed swallows the camera. The screen goes black.]
Edd: "Ed, what have you done? Open it! Open it!" [Ed opens his mouth. The camera is positioned in his garbage filled stomach at such an angle that we can see Edd, wearing surgical gloves.] "You should know better than to eat the camera. Just think what it will do to your digestive tract!"
[Edd reaches inside and takes the camera out.]
Ed: "Boy, I can't wait to see that part, Double D."
Edd: "Yes, well, let's not and say we did, Ed."
Eddy: "Come on, come on! I've got an impression to make here, remember?"
[The Eds hear Nazz humming. They look across the street and see her painting her nails.]
Edd: "Oh, my."
Eddy: [sweating on camera] "Hey look, it's my girlfriend, painting her nails for me. I think I'll go give her the pleasure of my company."
[Eddy approaches her gingerly. He sits on the curb a few feet away and slowly eases himself over to her side. He tries to put his arm around her; at this point, Nazz notices him, and knocks him into a fire hydrant. Nazz then notices the camera.]
Nazz: "Umm...Double D, are you guys, like, making a movie or something?"
Edd: [tongue tied] "Nazz...umm."
Ed: [focusing on the soaking Eddy] "Not to worry, Eddy's brother. I'll just dry him off!"
Jonny: [appearing out of nowhere and snatching the camera] "Hey, buddy, what'cha got there? Is that a video camera?"
Edd: "Jonny, please! We're trying to make a movie."
Jonny: "Back off! Hahahahahaha!" [He runs away.]
Edd: "Jonny, please!"
Eddy: [diving at Jonny] "Why, you little-!"
Jonny: "Hahahaha–" [He gets hammered.]

[Edd has the camera back. He focuses on Eddy, who has finished burying Jonny. Eddy sets down his shovel on Jonny's head and talks to the camera.]
Eddy: "He scares the birds away; what can I tell ya? Shall we continue with my charmed life?" [He looks offscreen.] "Well, what do you know? It's our international jet-setter, Rolf."
[Ed comes onscreen, dressed in one of Rolf's shirts, which has been pulled over his normal clothes. Ed shakes the rattle.]
Eddy: "Hey, Rolf! Tell my brother how important I am."
[Eddy notices the rattle and tosses it away.]
Ed: "I forget."
[The rattle comes down offscreen and hits the real Rolf, who is raking leaves, on the head. The Eds turn to see him shake his fist angrily.]
Rolf: "ED-BOY!"

[Rolf is chasing them. The camera catches only Ed running and Rolf chasing them down with his rake.]
Rolf: "Come back, chicken thief!"
The Eds: "RUN AWAY!"

[The Eds have moved to the junkyard.]
Edd: "No backs to the camera please; it's rude, you know."
Eddy: "Shut up and roll. Remember this place, bro? The junkyard, your old hangout. All the kids are chicken to come here."
[Ed is shown looking around, scared. He clutches his rattle for protection.]
Eddy: "See? What'd I tell ya? But not me."
Ed: "Show yourself, mutant scamp laborer!" [He bangs on a wrecked car with the rattle.]
Eddy: "Yeah, uh...Ed's just fixing my old car. It's not quite ready yet. Moving right along. You'll never guess what I'm building. It's an ultimate hard-boiled-egg-boiler. I've got big bucks invested in this gold mine."
[Edd cuts the camera. He starts again seconds later, from another angle.]
Eddy: "What?"
Edd: "Go on."
Eddy: "By simply tossing your-"
[Edd cuts the camera again. He moves to a new angle.]
Eddy: "–the combustion soon-"
Edd: "Look natural; stay with me."
[Cuts again, new angle]
Eddy: "–uhh, thus rendering the egg-"
[Edd cuts the camera again and moves back to his original angle.]
Eddy: "–for all to enjoy."
Edd: "I'm creating dynamics, Eddy."
Eddy: "Don't get arty on me, Double D."
[Eddy opens the door to his boiler to show off the inside. He doesn't look in, and so doesn't see that the Kankers are inside. Edd backs away in dread.]
Eddy: "What are you doing?"
The Kankers: "Hiya, Eddy!"
[The Kankers pull Eddy into the boiler. Ed and Edd try to pull him out.]

[Eddy is half inside and half outside the hard-boiled-egg-boiler.]
Ed: "I gotcha, Eddy!"
Edd: "Pull, Ed!"
Eddy: "Get me out!"
[Eddy, covered in kiss marks, finally comes free, and his hand slams into the camera.]
The Eds: "RUN AWAY!"
[Edd picks up the camera and films as he runs. He turns around and takes a shot of the Kankers, who are waving at them.]
Lee: "We know where you live!"
[Edd tucks the camera into his arm so he can run better. The Eds' running feet are shown.]

[The filming has moved to Eddy's room. Eddy, clean of all kiss marks, lies on his bed, looking every bit the emperor, while the kids mill about in his room.]
Eddy: "Hiya, bro! So anyways, here I am, all nice and safe in my cozy bachelor pad where all the kids show up to get my autograph. Yep, I'm that big, bro."
[A bunch of kids walk around. For some reason, they seem oddly two-dimensional.]
Eddy: "Look, it's Kevin. The usual spot there, dork?" [He signs his name, then speaks for Kevin, affecting an unnatural tone] "Sweet, Eddy! You're cool, man."
Edd: [sure the charade won't fool anyone] "Oh, please."
Eddy: "And there's Jonny. Sign your shirt there, curly?"
[Eddy signs it. At that point, Ed comes by, sprinkling Chunky Puffs on the ground.]
Ed: "They're hungry again, Eddy!" [Eddy grabs Ed's neck.]
Eddy: [through gritted teeth] "So feed them over there!"
[Rolf is shown coming into the house in the background. He is sniffing the floor, following a trail. Edd begins to shake.]
Eddy: "So, bro; as you can see, I'm a big shot now. No more beatin' up little Eddy, hey, big brother?"
[Rolf stands beside Eddy, waiting for the three-haired one to notice him.]
Edd: "Eddy! Rolf!"
Eddy: "Rolf? Did I forget to sign Rolf? There ya go, stretch."
[Eddy signs Rolf's face. Rolf looks miffed, but then becomes enraged.]
[A duplicate of Rolf comes by. Rolf picks it up, revealing it to be a cardboard statue carried by a chicken.]
Rolf: "AND YOU HAVE STOLEN ROLF'S CHICKENS YET AGAIN!!?" [seeing Edd filming] "Are you stealing Rolf's soul with your film box?!"
Edd: [nervous] "Why, of course not, Rolf! What gave you that impression?"
Rolf: "Rolf will release his rage now!"
Eddy: "Wait, we can work this out!"
[Punching sounds are heard following Rolf's strained exertions and Eddy is thrown into a wall, decapitating the cardboard kids as he smashes through them. The chickens run amuck.]
Ed: [running off] "WAAAAAAHHHH!"
[Rolf storms toward Ed and Eddy. Meanwhile, the chickens go berserk and one of them flies towards Edd.]
Edd: "Shoo! Go away! Don't touch me!" [Edd gets knocked over, and the camera falls to the floor. The rest of the scene is filmed from this angle.]
Rolf: "Stop, I must punish you!"
Eddy: "Mommy!"
Edd: "I think your brother's got the picture, Eddy."
[The camera's batteries die and the camera shuts off, effectively ending the movie.]

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide