A Fistful of Ed/Script

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Script

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[The show opens with a shot of a door. A poster reading "Happy Cluckers Club" is tacked to it.]
The Happy Cluckers Club: "Greetings fellow Cluckers!"
Edd: "The Happy Cluckers Club is now called to order."
[Edd examines an egg under an incubator thoroughly. Jonny sweats as Edd looks it over.]
Edd: [writing on his clipboard] "Egg-ceptional progress, Jonny."
Jonny: "Right on! We're gonna have us a family, buddy!"
Edd: "And what do we have here?"
[Edd looks at the egg. Ed giggles as Edd looks. Edd looks at Ed, and then picks up the egg. He snaps it into two, revealing it as a toy. Inside the egg is a tiny robot.]
Sarah: "My brother, the idiot."
Edd: "Well I thought it was rather humorous, Ed."
Jimmy: "Teacher's pet."
[The door is kicked off its hinges. The Kankers enter, grinning and drooling. They have bibs on.]
Marie: "Oh look, a crowd."
Lee: "Must be a good place to eat. Who's up for some eggs!" [She pulls out a spatula and a monkey wrench.]
Marie: [holding a frying pan] "I'll have mine sunny side up."
May: [carrying in an oven] "Over easy for me, please!"
[The club runs around in a panic and finds places to hide. The Kankers head for the incubators. Lee finds Edd barring one of them.]
Edd: "Ladies! Perhaps a quiet perusal of this book so you can discover the wonders of egg hatchery for yourselves?" [He holds up an immense booklet detailing how and why to do it.]
Lee: "Sweet-talkin won't get you everywhere."
[Edd drops the book, which lands with a thud on Lee's foot.]
Lee: "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Marie: "Hey! What's your game, mister?"
Lee: "YOUR CLUMSY BOYFRIEND CLOBBERED MY FOOT, THAT'S WHAT!"
Edd: "Lee, I do apologize. It was an accident."
Marie: "I bet! C'mon, May, let's get Lee to the school nurse."
[The Kankers leave. All the eggs, save Ed's, are undisturbed. The club stares at Edd, amazed.]
Edd: [unnerved] "Shall we continue tending to our eggs with a gentle organic cotton-ball massage?"

---

[Kevin enters a hallway. Nazz creeps up to him and begins to tell a story.]
Nazz: "Dude! Did you hear what went down yesterday?" [Eddy hears and listens in.]
Kevin: "No. What?"
Nazz: "You're not going to believe this, Double D made Lee Kanker's foot swell up like a beach ball!"
Kevin: "Yeah, right. What'd he use, the deadly art of algebra?"
Nazz: "No, seriously. I heard they had to use a whole refrigerator of ice just to stop the big toe from ballooning!"
[Eddy has heard enough. He looks towards Edd, who is ironing his tie IN SCHOOL. Eddy then goes over and twangs Edd's arm. The arm wobbles and goes slack.]
Eddy: [Rolling up Edd's arm] "You sent the Kankers packing?" [He laughs.] "What'd you use, the deadly art of allergies?"
Ed: "Do not taunt the D, Eddy." [He turns, fear in his eyes.] "I was there."
Edd: "Oh, please, it was an accident, honestly! I feel just awful."
Rolf: "Head in sock Ed-boy! Rolf requires your assistance." [He grins.] "May you have a spare writing stick? Rolf's has been reduced to that of a size of a baby's bazoo!" [He holds up a tiny pencil.]
Edd: "Why, of course I do, Rolf."
[Edd rummages in his locker. Suddenly, he high-kicks Rolf in the face. Rolf stumbles backwards and bows, pained. Edd then brings his foot down on Rolf's head. Rolf stands up, haggard, and the final blow comes–a rain of pencils, nailing him to a locker. Edd's body shakes as he lowers the cup and the last few pencils fall out.]
Rolf: "Rolf would have taken a simple 'no, not today,' yes?"
Nazz: "Dude. It's always the quiet ones, I swear." [She drags Kevin away.]
Sarah: "Did you see the look in his eyes?"
Jimmy: "We didn't. See. Anything. Sarah."
Edd: [protesting his innocence] "But I–I–"
Jonny: "Head for the hills, buddy! Double D's cracked! Lost it I tell ya!"
Eddy: [joyful] "Double D! I never knew you had it in ya! You're an animal! Pow! Kablooey! Badda-boom!"
[Edd runs away.]
Eddy: "Aw. Where ya goin?"
Ed: [horrified, clutching Eddy] "Gaah! Double D has fallen down the deep dark crack between the couch pillows of life, Eddy! Slipping through the hole in our belly button existence, burrowing–"
[Eddy reaches up and turns Ed's sound off by twisting his eye.]
Eddy: "We're gonna rule this dump, Ed!"
[Eddy takes off. Ed stands in the hall, looking sad.]

---

[Rolf is holding up an X-ray of his head.]
Rolf: "How can one who wears a sock on his head do this? I ask you!"
Kevin: "Dude, you should frame that."
[Eddy throws the doors to the lunchroom wide open. He is dressed sharply in a black leather jacket and his hair is spiked up. Jimmy cowers. Eddy takes a can of soda and cracks it open. Knowing that Edd will protect him if the kids go on the offensive, he thwacks Jonny and slaps Sarah, sending her spinning. He then takes Jimmy's lunch.]
Eddy: "Gimme that!"
[Edd goes to sit at a table, and the kids at the table immediately get up.]
Edd: [confused] "Why are you all leaving?"
Eddy: [enjoying his power] "Yeah! Why ya leaving?"
Edd: "Didn't I say that already, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Here. Let me help ya!" [helping Edd into a chair] "Pretty good seat, huh?" [Sarah grabs him.]
Sarah: [fist cocked] "Who the heck do you think you are!"
Jimmy: "No Sarah don't! You can't! He's watching."
[Edd is watching them out of the corner of his eye. Noticing that Sarah and Jimmy are looking at him, he turns and waves, smiling in a friendly manner. Sarah, cowed, puts Eddy down and dusts him off. Ed goes to the end of the table far away from Edd.]
Ed: "Just me."
Edd: "Why is Ed sitting way over there?"
Eddy: "Way over there! You are so right!" [Something distracts him.] "Whoa, Rolf's got grapes!"
[Eddy runs towards Rolf. Edd scratches his head.]
Marie: "That's my pie, I saw it first!"
Jonny: "No way, Plank saw it first!"
[Marie and Jonny are fighting over a piece of pie.]
Marie: "In your dreams, weirdo."
Jonny: "Plank had first dibs, before you and your bad vibes showed up!"
Marie: "Gimme it!"
Jonny: "No!"
Marie: "Gimme it!"
Jonny: "What are ya, hard of hearing?"
[Edd looks in the other direction. Rolf is feeding Eddy grapes.]
Marie: "Let go, kid!"
Jonny: "It's Plank's!"
Marie: "Ask me if I care!"
[Edd approaches the arguing couple.]
Edd: "Pardon my intrusion, but surely a compromise is not out of the question?"
[Jonny begins to sweat. Edd reaches up and smacks him into Marie. Marie topples over, throwing Jonny off. Jonny flies through a wall and lands on the grass at the base of a tree.]
Jonny: "Have I stopped yet?"
[In the cafeteria, Edd is holding the defeated Marie.]
Eddy: "Who's next!" [He sings La Cucuracha.] "Ba, da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da da da da!"
Kevin: "Oh, man."
Nazz: "Not cool."
Jimmy: [cowering] "Viciousness, thy name is Double D."
Eddy: "Ole!" [He throws confetti at Edd.]
Edd: "Please, let me explain!"
Eddy: "Yeah, let him!"
Rolf: "Flee for your lives!"
[Eddy's words start a panic. All the kids except for Ed run for a corner and cower there.]
Edd: "There's been a great breach of judgement!"
Eddy: "Yeah! Breach the heck out of em, Double D!"
Edd: "Things are not as they appear!"
Jimmy: "WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?!?! Take my money!" [He throws it at Edd. Eddy, in the background, takes the money.] "My comb!" [It hits Edd.] "My moisturizing lotions!" [They land in front of Edd.] "Take it, take it!"
Edd: "Sarah? You certainly can't believe–" [Ed, wearing an angry look on his face, steps in front of Sarah.]
Ed: "Stay away! Stay away from my baby sister, you meanie!" [Ed uses a chair to back Edd up.]
Edd: "Ed! My dear friend! How can you say that?" [Ed presses the chair into Edd's face.]
Ed: "We are friends no more! My mom says I can't be chums with a Punchy McFisticuffs like you!"
[Ed's heart wells up in his throat and breaks and he swallows it. Edd melts. Both begin to cry.]
Edd: [tear-filled] "This ends now!" [He grabs the end of the chair.]
Ed: "AAAAH!" [The beatdown begins] "Holy schmoly!" [Ed leaves his imprint on the ceiling] "Oh, Help me! Uncle! Uncle!"[The cafeteria is torn up by the fight.] "Run away!" [Ed digs his way out and escapes.]
Edd: "Come back here, you!"
Kevin: "Now's our chance!"
Sarah: "Jimmy get out of there!"
[Edd turns around just in time to see the kids exit the lunch room. They are all afraid of him.]
Eddy: "Yeah! You better run! 'Cause Double D's got all your numbers! And your addresses! Ooh yeah, I'm pumped baby!" [serious] "Maybe a little rough on Ed, huh? He is our pal, you know."
[Edd begins to look angry.]
Eddy: [a bit nervous] "Right! You know best, champ! So hey, I'm gonna go make Nazz rub my feet." [He leaves.]
Edd: "What have I become? Are these indeed the hands of a lowly thug?" [He holds out his shaking arms.]

---

[Edd is in a room filled with plants, tending a flower. Suddenly, he hears a noise behind him. A cup rolls out, and Edd turns around. He looks under a table.]
Edd: "Ed? Is that you? Here, let me have your hand!" [He extends his hand into the blackness.]
Jimmy: "AAH! You leave me alone!" [He runs around the room.] "You dirty gorilla! You punky palooka!" [His screams grow less and less distinct as his hysteria builds.]
Edd: [crying] "Oh, what's the use!? Who'll ever believe I'm anything other than a rambunctious rough egg!"
[Jimmy hides in a watering can. He peers out as Edd's tears water the flower. The flower starts to sprout and blooms into a thing of magnificent beauty, formed to the symphony of Edd's tears.]
Jimmy: "Double D!"
[Edd, amazed, leaps up, banging his head on a florescent light. He falls to the ground.]
Jimmy: [gazing at the flower, amazed] "You cross-pollenated a rose with a Baby Blue Gym Sock! Only hands as gentle as hummingbird's wings could have spliced the two together! I believe you, Double D!"
Edd: [grateful] "You do? Oh, thank you, thank you Jimmy!" [He hugs Jimmy.] "If only the others had listened to my pleas of innocence!"
Jimmy: "Sounds like you need a shoulder to cry on, Double D." [He takes out some hedge clippers.] "Be right with you!" [He trims a hedge into the shape of a psychiatrist's couch.] "Gimme the dirt, and don't spare me the details!"
[Edd lies on the couch, and Jimmy brings up a stool, ready to listen to Edd's story.]
Edd: "Oh, Jimmy, I'm blurred, bewildered, befuddled at this maylay of misinterpretation! First, when my book plunged onto the top of Lee's foot–a fortuitous mishap, I assured them–yet that's the seed of fear. Then Rolf, oh, dear Rolf, in need of a new pencil! His worn, old, unusable! I was only to happy to provide him with one." [He flashes back to the scene in the hall.]
Flashback Edd: "Oh, why of course I do, Rolf."
[Searching for his pencils, he knocks a container of Liquid White onto the floor. Stepping on it, he slips, and his foot slams into Rolf's chin. His tie catches on a hook in his locker, and his foot comes down on Rolf's head. The tie then yanks him back. He snaps forward afterwards, and the pencils in his cup fly forward, pinning Rolf to the locker.]
Flashback Rolf: "Rolf would have taken a simple 'no, not today,' yes?"
Edd: "Another regrettable blunder! As would be the one that happened next!"
[Edd remembers the cafeteria.]
Flashback Marie: "That's my pie, I saw it first!"
Flashback Jonny: "No way, he saw it first!"
Edd: "Remembering Mother had packed my lunch with a slice of her heavenly apple crumble pie, I thought the best thing to compose this conflict would be to share it." [In the flashback, Edd reaches in and stabs his finger on the fork. His hand leaps out, hitting Jonny. This leads to the destruction seen earlier.] "Not again! Again, my good intentions were cowed by my gawkish demeanor!"
Flashback Ed: "Stay away!"
Edd: "Then came the hardest blow of all! My dear friend lost his hope and faith because of my stumblings! Enough was enough. I could see it was up to me to vindicate myself. So in order to do this, I needed to remove the chair that separated our beloved friendship." [Edd grabs the chair and pulls at it. Ed falls onto him. Ed, panicking, then begins to scream, and runs around, destroying the lunchroom as he runs.]
Flashback Ed: "Uncle! Uncle!"
Edd: [back to the real world] "Couldn't they see? How am I to blame? It's so obvious! Is it me? But I'm a pacifist!"
Jimmy: [coming up with a diagnosis] "You've been marked with a scarlet letter, Double D. All you need is someone to strip it from you, and validate that sweet and gentle you!" [He throws the door open.] "Follow me, silly!"
Edd: "Wait, Jimmy!"
[Jimmy runs down the hall. Suddenly, he stops and backs up. He is staring at Kevin, who is leaning against the soda machine. Kevin kicks it, but no soda falls out. Edd comes up next to Jimmy.]
Kevin: "Weak."
Jimmy: "You think you're so tough!" [He slaps Edd with a glove.] "I challenge you to a battle royale! Are you aware of the Marquis of Queensbury rules?"
[Edd stands silent. Suddenly, he gazes down the hall and sees Kevin. The plan becomes clear.]
Edd: "Explicitly! I think. I will make you consume your foolhardy words! We shall meet at–at–oh dear..."
Jimmy: "The Pit!"
Edd: "Ah! Yes! The Pit! Three P. M., yes?"
[Kevin backs up and turns a corner, ready to spread the news.]
Kevin: "No way!"
Jimmy: "And...scene!"

---

Kevin: "Double D and Jimmy are duking it out at the pit, man! Pass it on!"
[Sarah and Nazz exit the school, headed for the pit.]
Nazz: "Oh no! Poor Jimmy's a goner!"
[Ed, bruised and bandage, peers out from behind the goalposts on the football field. He takes out his egg, which how has a face drawn on it and is wearing a hat replicating Edd's.]
Ed: "So, little Double G, seeing as my old pal Double D is now a Nasty McDustYourKnuckles, you are going to be my new friend. What would you like to do today?" [as Egg] "I, Double G, am gentle, unlike that evil Double D you speak of. Um, shall we talk about fossils and dish soap?" [as Ed, sorrowfully] "Double D used to talk about dish soap all the time!"
[Eddy grabs Ed and sets him on a chair. Eddy is being carried on the chair by Jonny and Rolf.]
Eddy: "Move it, slow coaches! Or I'll make sure you're next in the pit!"
Jonny: "Yes sir, Mr. Eddy, sir!" [Ed fell off the chair]

---

[The kids are gathered at the pit. Jimmy is wearing a robe and practicing his punches.]
Eddy: [arriving] "Out of the way, make room, best friend of the school bruiser coming through! So move if you know what's good for you!"
[Edd, bored, checks his watch.]
Sarah: [worried] "Jimmy, are you crazy? He's gonna turn you into cold cuts!"
Jimmy: "Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Sarah!" [His snake tattoo has reappeared.]
Eddy: "Spare the cliches, twerp, 'cause Double D's gonna mop the floor with that curly head of yours!"
Edd: "You still have time to yield to your inevitable fate of losing to me, Jimmy. Make haste, before I change my mind!"
Rolf: "The pasty boy is done for!"
Jimmy: "I got your knuckle sandwich with a side of black eye right here!"
Nazz: "Poor Jimmy!"
[Edd and Jimmy enter the ring, dukes up. They are at a crossroads with each other, both unwilling to throw the first punch. Suddenly, they start to slap at each other, engaging in a slapping fight.]
Jonny: "Give 'im the ol' one-two, Jimmy!"
Ed: "This isn't happening!"
Eddy: "That's my boy! Stay on him, Sockhead!" [He pulls out a hot dog and bites into it.]
Sarah: "Run, Jimmy, run!"
[Jimmy is now running in circles. Edd is chasing him around and around.]
Kevin: "Quit prancing around and pound him, Jimmy!"
Eddy: "What's the matter, Jimmy, your curls go limp on ya?"
Jimmy: "Pardon?"
[A hot dog with mustard hits him in the face, splashing mustard everywhere.]
Eddy: "That mustard looks good on you! It's yellow! Like you! Get it? I got a million of them!"
[Jimmy turns away and faces Edd.]
The Kids: "JIM-MY! JIM-MY! JIM-MY! JIM-MY!"
Jimmy: [to Edd] "Okay. Ready?"
[A relish-topped dog hits Jimmy on the back of his head. He turns around and gets one with ketchup in the face.]
Eddy: [laughing] "My bad!"
[Jimmy clears his eyes, but Eddy launches another relished dog at him. A mustard-filled hot dog follows.]
Jimmy: "Stop that! How can I concentrate with you–" [Ketchup.]
Nazz: "Hey, that's not fair!" [Edd turns and looks at her.] "Uh...nevermind."
Eddy: "Bombs away!"
[Eddy throws another hot dog, this one with mustard, at Jimmy. Jimmy catches it, anger in his eyes.]
Jonny: "I don't know where he's getting 'em from either, Plank!"
Eddy: [taunting Jimmy] "Jimmy looks like he's gonna blow up! Oh wait, he already did when we turned him into a sumo wrestler, remember?"
Jimmy: [charging Eddy] "I hope you're wearing a cup, 'cause you're creme brulee, mister!"
Eddy: "Yeah right."
[Jimmy tries to get to the top of the metal where Eddy is sitting. Edd grabs him by the pants.]
Edd: "Nonono. Have you forgotten our mission here?"
Jimmy: "Lemme go!"
Kevin: "Sha! Double Dweeb's gonna pants him!"
Edd: "Stop it! Right now!"
[Edd yanks Jimmy's hands free. Jimmy goes flying backwards and slams into Kevin and Rolf.]
Eddy: "Way to go, Sockhead!"
[Jimmy lies on the ground as Eddy laughs. His face turns red, and steam starts to come out of his ears.]
Sarah: "Jimmy, are you okay?"
[Jimmy explodes. He charges at Edd in a fury, looking for all the world like a mad dog. Edd is helpless against the beserk Jimmy; a thug through happenstance, he has no idea how to defend himself against the onslaught.]
Eddy: [seeing Edd losing] "Double D! Do something! You're the tough guy!"
[Jimmy finishes up. The dust clears, his face turns to normal, and he looks around.]
Jimmy: "What happened?"
Rolf: "The reign of the head-in-sock tyrant has ceased!"
[Edd lies on the ground in pain, bruised all over and looking like he lost a fight with a crazed superhero. Jimmy is shocked of learning of what he has done to Edd]
The Kids: [carrying Jimmy on their shoulders] "Jimmy, Jimmy, he's our boy, he'll take you to the trash like a broken toy!" [The kids runs over Eddy, walking on him from top-to-bottom as he stands, now leaving him battered and bruised. Kevin brings up the rear. He walks up to Eddy.]
Kevin: "Nice jacket."
[Eddy stares at him angrily.]

---

[Kevin leaves the pit. He is wearing Eddy's jacket now.]
Kevin: "Dorks."
Eddy: [inflamed] "What the heck was that?!? So much for being the toughest kid in school! All that respect, all that reputation, that sweet naugahyde jacket–gone!" [He pulls Edd up.] "You owe me a jacket."
Edd: [smiling] "I guess I'm not as boorish a brute as you hoped for, Eddy."
Eddy: "Bah!" [He throws Edd at Ed. Edd bounces off and lands on his feet.]
Ed: "Double D? Is it really you?"
Edd: [smiling a crooked grin] "Oh, Ed!"
Ed: "Double D!"
Eddy: [grumpy] "Yeah, Double D."
Ed and Edd: [joyfully] "Eddy!"
May: "Aw. We missed our scrap, Marie."
[The Kankers have suddenly appeared.]
Marie: "Yeah, but we got here just in time to kiss the loser better."
Edd: "Little late for an entrance, isn't it?"
Lee: "Double D!" [She grabs him.] "You should see the shiner you left on my foot. Clumsy oafs are so cute."
May: "They sure are!"
Marie: "Pucker up, sweetie!"
[Eddy begins to get steamed.]
Eddy: "HEY!"
[The Kankers turn around and look at him.]
Eddy: "HE'S. HAD. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Beat it."
[The Kankers leave silently, much to the awe of Ed and Edd.]
Ed: "Good one, Eddy."
Eddy: "Vultures."
Edd: "Goodness, I'm touched, Eddy." [He stands up painfully.] "You standing up to a cliche show ending for me. Lemme tell you, after the day I've had, a dose of camaraderie really–" [Eddy stuffs a hot dog in Edd's mouth.]
Eddy: "Yeah yeah, eat and shut up."
Ed: "And for your Ed, Eddy?"
[Eddy switches Edd's hot dog to Ed's mouth.]
Edd: "Eddy, I thought that was my hot dog!"
[Eddy takes out a new hot dog and offers it to Edd.]
Edd: "Thank you, Eddy."
[Eddy takes out another and begins to eat it.]
Eddy: "There. Is everybody happy? Good. Geez."
[The Eds stand in the Pit, eating their hot dogs happily.]