Ed, Edd n Eddy

[Eddy looks ahead, bored. Edd pops out behind Eddy, a huge grin spread across his face and a helmet replacing his hat.]
Edd: "Try to contain yourself, Eddy! The adrenaline of irreverence can be quite overwhelming!" [quieter] "We're so bad."
Eddy: [annoyed] "What're you givin' me here, laundry chutes?" [He indicates the chutes.]
Edd: "Very good, Eddy! But look closely. One's Mother's chute, one's Father's chute, and last but not least, my chute. Eddy, my chute has been secretly treated with a silicone lubricant making it the fastest slide to any basement, anywhere!"
Eddy: "No foolin?"
Edd: "Now for safety reasons, I insist you use this pillow, Eddy. Better safe than sorry."
[While Edd's back is turned, Eddy wiggles his way into Edd's chute. He starts his slide.]
Eddy: "Yee-haw!" [The chute slams shut, and Edd turns around, clutching a pillow.] "WOOHOOHOOHOO!!!" [As Eddy falls, his skin peels off like puzzle pieces.]
Edd: "Eddy, you get back up here and get your pillow!" [The sound of Eddy's landing is heard.]
Eddy: [in the basement] "Bottom floor! Dryer lint, paint cans, lonely socks and mildew!" [Edd lands at the bottom of his father's chute.]
Edd: "And arachnids!"
Eddy: "You got peanuts in your basement, Double D?"
Edd: "Spiders, Eddy." [He climbs a ladder to get a closer look at one.] "Basements make an excellent home for spiders, and Mildred is ready for her weekly examination." [Eddy looks around bored.] "Aren't you, Mildred?" [to Mildred] "Did you just wink at me? Yes you did!" [A creaking sound is heard and a horrible screeching sound comes from an opened closet. Edd rushes over.] "Don't touch that, Eddy!" [Edd turns off something called the "Opera-Matic."] "Well, I see you've stumbled upon my collection of misfit failed inventions, nosy parker! I've archived these disasters to remind me of our misguided attempts and learn from past mistakes."
Eddy: "Hey, is that a volcano?" [He rushes into the closet and hauls out the volcano.]
Edd: "Eddy, not that old thing!"
Eddy: "How's it work? Does something shoot out of here? Well, where do you plug it in?"
[Eddy steps on a button at the base. The volcano turns on and sucks Eddy's head into it. Eddy strains.] "Double D!" [Eddy's head gets sucked in. Edd giggles.] "A comedian, huh?" [Eddy rears back with the volcano stuck to his head]
Edd: "Oh dear!" [He runs away. Eddy slams his head down, and the volcano impacts where Edd was standing, smashing it.]

[Eddy, volcano off his head, chases Edd outside.]
Eddy: "Wait'll I get my hands on you!"
Edd: "Ed, help!" [He pulls to a stop in front of a barricade of pots and pans. Eddy leaps at Edd.]
Eddy: "Gotcha!" [He tackles Edd, sending Edd and himself over the wire and setting off the alarm.]
Sarah: "Freeze, mister!" [She is in a police uniform and holding a rifle.] "Put your hands where I can see 'em!"
Eddy: [pushing the rifle away] "Get that stupid thing out of my face, Sarah." [Sarah brings the end of the gun down on Eddy's head.]
Sarah: "Take a hike, Eddy, no one sees my brother. 'Cause he's been grounded."
Eddy: [chuckling] "This I gotta see. Coming, Double D?"
Sarah: [stopping him] "Halt! No visitors!"
Jimmy: [to a docile Edd] "Don't let me have to use this!" [He puts a carved wooden rifle in Edd's ribs and giggles.] "Kidding! It's just a hunk of wood, Double D."
Edd: [lowering the barrel with his finger] "It's all fun and games till someone gets a sliver, Jimmy."
Sarah: "Guard!" [Jimmy retreats to his post.] "Atten-SHUN! Ready, and...March!" [They march in front of Ed's window, which has bars taped across it. Ed peeks outside forlorn.] "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup..."
Eddy: [seemingly giving up] "Oh well. You'll have to learn your lesson, Ed. Let's go, Double D. Before I start to cry. We'll miss you, buddy." [He waves. As he rounds the corner of the house, Eddy grins.]

[Jimmy and Sarah are marching in front of the post. Plank, dressed as a four-leaf clover, pokes out from a bush. Jimmy notices Plank and stops marching. Plank is yanked back into the bush.]
Jimmy: "I think I'm getting heatstroke from this hat, Sarah!"
Sarah: "What's going on, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "There's something in the bushes!"
Sarah: "Really?" [pushing Jimmy forward] "I guess you better check it out, private! Move it!"
[Jonny jumps out of the bushes dressed like a leprechaun and hops on Jimmy's hat, performing a jig.]
Jonny: "Howdy howdy howdy! If you catch me I'll give you me pot of gold!"
Jimmy: "A leprechaun!"
Jonny: "Catch me I'll give you me pot of gold!"
Jimmy: [chasing Jonny] "I gotcha, you little scamp!"
Sarah: "Jimmy, wait! You get back here!" [Jimmy doesn't come back.] "Jimmy?" [Decides to join in with Jimmy] "Hey, wait for me!"
[Eddy and Edd peek out from the other side of the house.]
Eddy: [to Edd] "What'd I tell ya? Jonny'll do anything for a handful of granola."
Edd: "I'm not sure about this, Eddy. Ed's parents will surely tell our parents. Haven't you heard of consequential punishment? It's the parental ring."
Eddy: "Fine. If that's how you feel, I'll let Ed know you were too busy to help him in his time of need. Don't worry about it." [He goes to check up on Ed, smirking.]
Edd: "The old guilt route, huh Eddy? Works every time." [He follows Eddy.]

[Ed, sniveling and sniffling, is staring at a picture of his TV. He lowers the photograph, revealing that the TV is missing.]
Ed: [sad] "It is not fair."
[Ed is sitting in a cardboard box in the corner of his basement, crying. It is evident that he has cried many tears, as a puddle has collected around him and the base of the box is soaked through. In the middle of his room, a storm drain starts to rattle, and the drain shoots up. An umbrella-like contraption appears and stretches the hole in the concrete wide enough to comfortably let the bodies of Edd and Eddy out.]
Edd: "And there you have it. The yielding abilities of cement are further explained."
Ed: "Eddy! Double D!" [He hugs them tightly and pulls them out of the hole.]
Eddy: "Ed."
Ed: "Hello!"
Eddy: "Ed!"
Ed: "Hello!"
Eddy: "ED!"
Ed: "Hello!"
Eddy: "We're busting you out, Ed."
Ed: "But I am grounded, Eddy. I have been a bad boy." [He drops his friends and walks to his box.]
Eddy: "So be a good boy." [He holds Ed over the drain.] "Follow us. Suck in your stomach, Ed!"
Ed: "I can't do it! Sarah will find out and she'll tell Mom!" [He leaps into his box.] "And I'll be grounded!"
Edd: "Ed, you've already been grounded."
Eddy: [thinking] "I know how to get Ed out of here so that even he won't know he's missing." [He pets Ed to put him at ease.]

[Jonny and Jimmy are by a cardboard rainbow.]
Jimmy: "It's the end of the rainbow, leprechaun. Hand over that pot of gold."
Jonny: "Nope. Up to the fake rainbow, that's all you get for one handful, pal." [He peels off his fake beard, giggles, and leaves.]
Jimmy: [disappointed] "My fantasy! Crushed by an imp."
Sarah: "Back to your post!" [She grabs Jimmy.]

[Eddy stares out Ed's basement window.]
Eddy: [hushed] "Hurry it up, Double D!"
Edd: "All right, Eddy." [He pushes Ed's box into the puddle of tears. In the box is a vacuum cleaner wearing a pair of Ed's pants. Edd slips Ed's shirt and jacket over the body and adds a pineapple to the top.] "There we go! A rather apprable substitute for Ed's head, don't you think?" [He frowns.] "Yet, it feels unfinished. Wanting."
Eddy: "Hey fountainhead, we haven't got all day!"
Ed: [wearing a new ensemble] "Why is Ed sitting in a box?"
Eddy: "Shut up, Ed, and go down the drain!" [He tries to push Ed down the drain.]
Edd: "That's it!" [He positions a book in front of the Ed statue.] "Hmm..."
Eddy: "Will you hurry up?" [He grabs Edd.]

[A sprinkler is watering Ed's back lawn. Suddenly, the flow of water stops, and a lump moves through the hose. The hose spits out Ed and then, in short order, Edd and Eddy.]
Eddy: "How's it feel to be back on the outside, Ed?"
Ed: "OUTSIDE ED?!?!? But I am grounded, Eddy!" [He hightails it through the window.]
Eddy: [trying to pull Ed back] "So what?"
Edd: "Has that window been open this whole time?"
Sarah: [offscreen] "Hey, who's there?" [She jumps around the side of the house, gun cocked.] "Freeze, mister!"
[There is nobody there. Sarah goes over to the window and peers in at the Ed statue.]
Sarah: "You keep it down in there, Ed!"
[Sarah and Jimmy move away from the window. The real Ed and his cohorts are clinging to a ceiling pipe.]
Eddy: "Our two squirts in blue haven't a clue."
Edd: "But now we're trapped with Ed, Eddy!"
Eddy: [agitated] "Just follow my lead!"

[Eddy creaks Ed's door open and drags his friends out.]
Eddy: [whispering] "Halfway there, boys. Now all we have to do is go up the–"
[Eddy turns around. The stairs are missing.]
Ed: "My parents took 'em down 'cause I am grounded."
Edd: "That's disturbing."
Eddy: "Ah, they can keep the stairs, 'cause you can jump it!"
Ed: "But I am grounded, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Yeah, yeah, we heard a million times. Lemme help, Ed!" [He pulls out a giant safety pin.]
Edd: "Eddy, don't do it!"
Eddy: "What's your problem?" [He jams the point into the floor.] "Okay Ed, just lean back."

[Ed comes flying out the basement door.]
Ed: "Alley-oop!"
Edd: [following him] "Gracious!"
Eddy: [bringing up the rear] "Geronimo!"
[The Eds land in the living room, right by the front door.]
Eddy: "Behold, the gate to freedom!" [He puts his hand on the doorknob.] "After me."
[Sarah throws the door open, knocking the Eds backward. The good news is she doesn't see them. The bad news is she and Jimmy are coming inside.]
Sarah: "Don't worry, Jimmy, you'll be okay. Slivers aren't fun, are they? You really have to be careful with wooden rifles." [The Eds hear the cops coming and rush up the stairs.] "Let's find some tweezers and poke and prod and wiggle it around until it falls out." [Sarah hears a noise.] "What was that?"
[The Eds are staying behind the upper floor's banister as they sneak across the upper level, barely out of sight.]
Jimmy: "What?" [He listens.] "You work too hard, Sarah. Sometimes you have to stop and smell the coffee."
Sarah: "Ah, whadda you know? C'mon, let's find those tweezers." [She moves Jimmy along.]

[The Eds enter a room. Edd keeps his hands over Ed's mouth.]
Eddy: "Let's stay in here till the coast is clear." [Edd removes his hands.]
Ed: "I'M A BAD BOY! I am grounded."
Eddy: [after a moment of thought] "Quick, the window!" [He runs into Sarah's closed window.]
Edd: "I believe a solution to all this can be solved with a little brainpower, Eddy."
Eddy: [muffled] "I'm game."

[Sarah slides open a slot in Ed's door and looks in.]
Sarah: [meanly] "Hey Ed, time for dinner!"
Jimmy: "Buttered toast with gravy? People eat this?"
Sarah: "Look at him sitting there, reading his little book!" [She realizes what's wrong.] "Book?"
[Sarah storms into the room and goes up to Ed.]
Sarah: "Where'd you get that book Ed?"
[Sarah tussles with the Ed dummy and the pineapple falls off.]
Jimmy: [frightened] "Did Ed's head fall off, Sarah?"
[Sarah looks at the pineapple angrily.]
Sarah: "ED!!!!!!!!"

[Upstairs, the Eds hear the loud call.]
Ed: "Sarah knows, guys!"
Eddy: "Duh Ed, we heard her. Keep your shorts on." [Ed's shorts are around his ankles.] "No, seriously, keep your shorts on, Ed."

[Jimmy runs into the backyard, whistle blasting. Sarah scurries up the stairs, also tweeting on her whistle. Eddy opens the window and tethers out a giant kite.]
Eddy: "Houston, we have liftoff."
Ed: "Let me remind you that I am–"
Eddy: "Free as a bird, Ed!"
[Eddy grabs Ed, and the kite tows the Eds out the window. Sarah bursts in through the door just as the Eds escape the house.]
Edd: "Not good, not good!"
Eddy: "Go baby, go!" [The kite runs out of string, and the Eds are left hanging in midair.]
Edd: "Why do I condone such behavior?"
[The Eds fall to earth, screaming, and land on Jimmy. Jimmy is crushed into a hole. Ed peeks out of the hole and vomits up Eddy, who pukes up Edd, who retches out Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Saliva! Yuck!"
Sarah: "Jimmy get out of there!" [She pulls Jimmy free. To Ed, sweetly] "Guess what, big brother? I'M TELLING MOM!"
Edd: "Remember that parental ring, Eddy?"
Eddy: [getting up] "Oh great, now we're gonna get it."

[In Edd's room, a makeshift telephone rings. Edd puts down the book he is reading and goes to get it.]
Edd: [picking up] "Double D here. Over."
Eddy: [using a tin can] "Hey, this stupid thing work?"
Edd: "Roger. You need to say over, Eddy, when you're done speaking. Over."
Eddy: "This stinks! I got grounded forever. Over."
Edd: "Three days for me, Eddy. A little quality time with my ants and some–"
Eddy: "Three days? What makes you so special?!? Over."
Ed: [through a sponge] "Hello? Hello?"
Eddy: "Ed?"
Edd: "Ed? Over." [His line slowly begins to be pulled out his window.]
Eddy: "Forget Ed! I got a plan for the escape of the–"
[The line goes taut, pulling the Eds against their respective walls.]
Eddy: "Hello?"
Edd: "Ouch, over."
Ed: "Cool!"
[The Eds get yanked again.]
Edd: "Must be a party line." [He hits the wall.]
Eddy: "Oh, my aching–" [Wham! Wall slam.]
Ed: "Do it again!"
[His wish is fulfilled. In the middle of the cul-de-sac, Sarah is using an umbrella to pull on the wires.]
Jimmy: "Bring it on home, Sarah!" [Pull.] "Encore!" [Pull.] "This time with gusto!" [Pull.] "Lawdy mama!" [Pull.] "I'm tingly all over!" [Pull.]

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide