Postcards from the Ed/Script

[The sun beats down on a giant sphinx made of cardboard.] Rolf: [leading the kids] "Behold the shrine of Egypt as foretold by the soothsayers." [Edd, dressed as an archeologist, walks out of the opening to the sphinx.] Edd: "Welcome travelers, to the mysterious marvels of the ancient sphinx! My name is Eddward, Egyptologist, and I'll be your guide today." [Edd leads them into the tomb, to a wall full of hieroglyphics.] Edd: "Did you know ancient Egyptians used pictorial symbols called hieroglyphics as their system of writing?" Jimmy: "How artistic! What do they say, Eddward?" Edd: "Let's decipher it, shall we?" [He points at an alien next to cheese.] "This stands for–um–" [pointing to toast] "This is clearly toast." [He points at a picture of Ed being fed pudding skin.] "As for this, I'm not sure what that means." Rolf: "Ho ho! the ancient ones have stumped the know-all Ed boy." Sarah: "My stupid brother drew these, didn't he?" [Edd looks from side to side nervously and decides to continue the tour.] Edd: "Oh, look! A mysterious passageway!" [leading them down some stairs] "Stay close now, don't dilly-dally." Jimmy: "My legs!" Edd: [entering a room] "As we are about to enter the great chamber of the sarcoughagus!" [The kids ooh and aah at the gigantic burial chamber.] Eddy: [by the tomb] "Welcome, inquisitive types, to the tomb of King Tuckyershirtin!" Rolf: "Rolf's porridge quivers at this baloney!" Jimmy: "Sarah, I'm frightened!" [Eddy blows the dust off the tomb.] Eddy: "His mummified corpse in wait here lies for us to unseal!" Nazz: "A mummy? That's so archaic." Jimmy: "What if it's cursed?" Eddy: [holding up two crowbars] "Not at these prices, kid." Edd: [holding his lantern out] "Rolf, please hold this as I assist Eddy." Rolf: "Okey-dokey." [He takes the lantern.] "Rolf is humbled by this hooey." ''[Eddy and Edd dig their crowbars in and strain at the lid. Eventually, they manage to pry it loose, and it floats to the ground. The coffin is empty.]'' Nazz: "Hey!" Sarah: "Huh?" ''[The kids, disappointed, look at Edd and Eddy. The Eds have no excuse.]'' Eddy: "Oh, look. There he is." [Ed, eating and wrapped in toilet paper, appears behind the kids.] Eddy: "King Tuckyershirtin! We've been waiting." Ed: "Just grabbing a bite there, shiek." [He gets in the tomb.] "Alley-oop!" Eddy: "Act like a mummy, stupid!" [Ed complies, but Eddy sees that the kids have left.] Eddy: "No, wait! Don't go! I'll mummify him myself, you'll see!" [to Ed, who is clinging to his leg] "Will you let go?" ''[Ed moans like a mummy. Eddy raises dust as he drags Ed along. The dust gets in his nose, and Ed turns around to sneeze, blowing the pyramid far away.]'' Ed: "Dusty." Eddy: "That's it!" ''[He leaps on Ed and they begin fighting. Edd appears, a box over his head. The box has a giant eye drawn on it.]'' Jonny: "Nah, he ain't lookin at us. That eye's just drawn on." [Jonny is with two large planks.] "You wanna meet the locals? Oh-kay." [Jonny brings the wood over to the Eds.] "How do, fellas? Ed Edd n Eddy, I'd like you to meet Plank's mom and his dad. They're visiting from out of town." Edd: "Well!" [He chuckles.] "What a surprise! It certainly is a pleasure meeting you, Mr. and Mrs. Plank." Plank's Mom: Jonny: "You wanna see what? All righty, but after you take a few pictures, lets say we relax a bit, huh?" [The Eds wave as Jonny bounds off.] Edd: "Isn't that darling? Jonny's created an imaginary family for Plank!" Jonny: "Okay, you two snap away!" [He walks towards the Eds.] "I'll just be over here, holler if you need me!" [Jonny slumps in front of the Eds.] "Oh, brother." [He falls over wearily.] Edd: "Jonny! Are you alright?" Jonny: "Plank's parents are just go, go, go-go! Go, go, go! Me and Plank are pooped!" Ed: "Fret not, Jonny, for I, Ed the Mummy, will show Plank's visiting parents the neighborhood!" Jonny: [perking up] "You will?!?" [He runs off.] "They're over there by the boards, Ed. We're free, Plank, free!" [A bunch of boards are scattered where Jonny indicated.] Eddy: "Oh, good one, Ed. What are we supposed to do now, carry 'em around all day?" Edd: [hunting for them] "Unfortunately, yes Eddy. Ed's overzealous offer has put him in a position of responsibility. Now, if we could only find them." Eddy: "This stinks!" Ed: "Found them!" [to the boards] "Hello, mother and father of Plank. Remember me? I am Ed! And I will be your guide today." Eddy: "They're hunks of wood, for crying out loud! Just leave em here!" Ed: "No way, Joe say!" Edd: "Eddy, how can you say that? They may just be hunks of wood to you, but to Jonny they're Plank's parents!" [Ed marches off with the wood.] Ed: "Hmph!" Edd: [following Ed] "Hmph!" Eddy: "Go ahead then! I got better things to do than be some tour guide to a couple of floorboards!"

''[Eddy goes home. He takes off his costume and lies on the bed, reading a magazine. Bored, he gets up and goes to the bathroom, and while there he has an idea.]'' Eddy: "A tour guide! That's it!"

''[Ed and Edd wheel a shopping cart carrying Plank's parents. Edd indicates an anthill.]'' Edd: "And over to our right, you'll see one of our exquisite indigenous anthills. Nature's little creatures, aren't they? Ooh, and here we have a prodigious old oak tree! Yes indeed. Perhaps a relative, yes? Amusing, don't you think?" Ed: "Not funny, Double D." ''[A giant tour bus piloted by Eddy slams into the cart. Ed and Edd shoot back, and Plank's parents topple into the air and come down in two seats on top. Eddy makes his pitch.]'' Eddy: "Ma and Pa Plank! What a koinkydink! Welcome to Eddy's Deluxe Tour Line! The swankiest, hippest, but not-too-expensive tour line in the cul-de-sac!" [He grins.] "What's that? Count you in? Run a tab? Jonny's good for it? Well, let's see..." [He starts punching buttons on a cash register.] "Fifty cents each for the tour, twenty-five for the bus, and a buck for me." [to Ed] "Hey Monobrow! Gimme a push, will ya?" Ed: "Can do, Eddy!" [He runs behind the bus.] "But I cannot join in your merriment, for I am responsible." [He shoves the bus.] "For Plank's Mommy and Daddy." [Ed realizes his charges have been taken.] "Hey, hold it one darn second there!" [He chases after the bus.] Edd: [stuck in a tree] "Ed, wait! Where're you going? Don't you leave me here!" [Ed comes back.] "Wait! Nevermind! I'm fine! Ed?" [Ed pulls Edd free.] Ed: "Eddy kidnapped my responsibles, Double D!"

[The bus winds up in the junkyard.] Eddy: "Behold, the great mountains of cul-de-sacia! It took a gazillion years of slag to form these puppies. Note the stench. Priceless." [He hits some buttons on the register.] "What's that? Souvenirs? All you can buy." [He picks up a trashcan lid and a pipe.] "We've got, uh, an official hand-rusted mountain plate! Only fifty cents. And a–ah, who cares? Get it anyway! It's Jonny's treat!" [He laughs greedily.]

[Ed opens Eddy's door and walks in.] Ed: "Come out, come out, wherever you are, mister. Unhand Plank's Mommy and Daddy!" Edd: "Ed, his room is the last place he would have brought them." [He spots a bottle of cologne.] "Hello. What's this?" [He holds it up.] "Quickly, Ed! We'll track him through his cheap cologne! Inhale it, Ed, go on!" [Ed sniffs it twice.] "And one more for good measure." [Ed snorts the entire bottle.] ''[Ed, the scent firmly in his nostrils, sniffs the floor. Catching onto the scent trail he needs, he follows it outdoors, nose to the ground. Edd follows.]'' Edd: "Find the Eddy, Ed!"

Eddy: "Hold on to your hats, folks, it's one of a kind, only at Eddy's Deluxe Tour Lines–a manhole cover!" ''[Eddy tallies more arbitrary costs on the register. Suddenly, something runs into the bus.]'' Sarah: [with a baby carriage] "Hey! Move this stupid box outta my way!" [Jimmy peeks out of the carriage.] Eddy: "It's your lucky day! Just recently escaped from the neighborhood zoo, it's Sarah, the Frog-Mouthed Brat and Diaper-Rash Boy Jimmy!" Jimmy: [crying] "You told him! I thought you were my friend!" Sarah: [to Eddy] "You idiot!" [She levels a mighty kick at the bus, sending it flying backwards.] Eddy: "How's that for holiday excitement?"

''[Ed has followed the trail to the junkyard. He sniffs a pile of junk. Edd passes him and finds the tire tracks.]'' Edd: "Here Ed! Tracks!"

[Eddy plucks a blade of grass and shows it to Plank's parents.] Eddy: "Eyeball this beaut! The world's oldest blade of grass!" [pointing to the sandbox] "And there! The world's largest litter box! A tour special. I'll just add it to the tab.] Edd: [offscreen, irate] "Eddy!" [He and Ed come towards the park.] "Return Plank's parents!" Ed: "I promised Jonny, Eddy!" Eddy: "No time for photos, gotta go." [He pulls up the stopper and the bus starts rolling.] Ed: "Eddy!" Eddy: "Uh oh." [He swerves through two teeter-totters and bashes through the swingset. He passes beneath two trees.]'' "And now we're about to go under the famed Monkey Bar Bridge! Duck!" [Plank's parents are unable to duck, being made of wood. Their necks slam into the bar and...]

''[...their heads snap off their bodies, flying backwards. The face of Plank's Dad lands on Ed's face, and Plank's Mom's head covers Edd. Edd peels his off and looks.]'' Edd: "Good lord!" Ed: "MWAAH!" ''[Eddy, distracted, looks back at Plank's decapitated parents. In the time his eyes are off the road, the bus covers much ground. It rams into a tree and rebounds backwards, grabbing air as it goes.]'' Ed: "Look, Double D, the bus is coming!" [He plants a Bus Stop sign.] "We got him now!" [The bus lands on Ed and Edd.] Ed: [crawling out and holding up the heads] "Look what you did to Plank's Mommy and Daddy!" Edd: "Who knows what this will do to Jonny when he sees this, Eddy! His ties to reality are already tenuous at best!" Jonny: "HOLY JUMPIN BANANA BOATS!" [He covers Plank's eyes.] "Don't look, Plank!" Eddy: "Relax, baldy. It's nothing a little glue and a couple of nails won't fix." Jonny: [grabbing their heads] "Ed! Is this your idea of showing them a good time?" Ed: [in tears] "It wasn't me, Jonny, honest! Eddy did it." Eddy: "Yep. I showed 'em the time of their life, Jonny boy. And it wasn't cheap. I'll just total up your bill. Cha-ching!" [He pulls a lever, and the receipt begins to roll out.] "How do you wanna pay for this, Jonny? Cash, or cash?" Edd: [disgusted as miles of paper roll out] "Eddy." Jonny: "You're the one who'll be paying, smartypants! Plank knows people!"

''[The Eds are at the top of a tree. Ed is holding them there and shaking.]'' Eddy: "This is your fault. They're just hunks of wood, for Pete's sake!" Edd: [scared] "I wouldn't say that too loudly, Eddy." [The tree is surrounded by seven wooden toughs, all ready to DESTROY the Eds.] Edd: [fearful] "I think they're watching us!" Ed: [unhappy] "Make them go away, Double D! Make them go away!" Eddy: [bored] "Man, this is stupid."