Pain in the Ed/Script

[Eddy is pouring glue on his armpits and laughing while Edd cuts out pieces of carpet.] Eddy: "Hey, what's taking ya?" Edd: "I hate it when you do that. Eddy, I have my doubts as to the success of using carpeting as means of achieving virility." [He pastes a slice of capet to Eddy's armpit.] [Eddy heaves his garage door open and struts out, shirtless.] Eddy: "Everyone knows hairy pits are a sure sign of manliness, Double D." [Eddy walks up to Jonny, who is drinking a malt with Plank.] Jonny: "Wow Eddy! Is that a carpet?" [He laughs.] Edd: "Well, Jonny seems unimpressed."

[Kevin flips a playing card from his doorstep to a hat lying across the lawn.] Kevin: "Choice." Eddy: [looking over the fence] "Hey Ignaroid! Who's more mature now, huh?" Kevin: [laughing] "The dork's faking puberty!" [He goes inside, cackling like there's no tomorrow.] Edd: "Goodness." Eddy: "Jealous! He wishes he had fur like this." Nazz: [from the street] "Is that carpeting? That's like, so kindergarden." [She rides off.] Eddy: "I hate it when they catch on!" Edd: "It seems underarm growth is a poor excuse for maturity, Eddy." [He starts fishing out his own carpet.] Eddy: "So now what?" Edd: [trying to look natural] "Oh! Um, we could call on Ed." Ed: [carrying a violin and music stand] "Don't bother, Double D, he is not home." Eddy: "Hey Ed, check out these pits!" Ed: [getting ready to play] "Nice carpet, Eddy. Now, let's see. Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot right." Edd: "Why Ed! I didn't know you played an instrument!" Ed: "In my mom's dreams I can!" Eddy: [to Edd] "What's Ed doing with a ukelele?" Edd: "That's a violin, Eddy. A hand-carved musical tour de force, who's delicate tone can release a diverse range of emotions." [Ed plucks an out of tune string.] Ed: "E!" [He hits another sour note.] "G!" Edd: "A little cat and dog, but–" [Another rotten note.] Ed: "B!" Edd: "–with a little practice–" [Another stinker.] Ed: "D!" [He pauses, then hits another note.] "F!" [The note slams into Eddy's head, and Eddy steals the violin.] Eddy: "Violins are for sissies." Ed: "But Eddy, my mom says I gotta practice or–" [Edd takes the violin back to Ed.] Edd: "Thank you." Eddy: "Hey!" Edd: "I'm sure you'll agree Niccolo Pagganini is no sissy, Eddy." [to Ed] "Go on, Ed, practice. Revel in the violin's resonance." Eddy: "Get rid of it, Ed!" [Ed begins to play, honking out sour notes that sound like a duck being strangled.] Edd: "Very good, Ed. But more allegro, sprightlier if you will." [Ed honks out the notes faster and faster, pushing out a cacaphony of noise.] Jonny: [dancing] "Woo hoo, that's a real toe-tapper, Ed! You're giving me and Plank goosebumps!" [Eddy goes inside to hide from the noise.] Edd: [cringing with each note] "Bravo, Ed!" ''[Eddy enters his bedroom, slams the door, and slumps against it. A few seconds later, he looks up and sees a familiar black hat hanging over the edge of his chair. Interestingly, the hat has earmuffs over it.]'' Eddy: [spinning the chair around] "Ah ha! I was right! Ed stinks!" Edd: "Oh come on, Eddy! This is a good thing, and Ed needs our support!" Eddy: "He sounds like a trapped cat!" Edd: "And that's why Ed should–" ''[Ed enters the room with his stand and violin. He sets up.]'' Ed: "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes." Edd: [trying to hold back Eddy] "Wait, Eddy! Don't lose control of that thing!" ''[Eddy throws the violin out of his room. Edd follows it.]'' Edd: "Oh dear!" [Sarah and Jimmy pass Edd, walking towards Eddy's room and carrying the violin.] Eddy: [patting Ed] "It's like an elephant's off your back, huh Lumpy?" Ed: "Tell me a story, Eddy." [Sarah throws the door open.] Sarah: "Ed! You're supposed to be practicing! Mom said so!" Ed: [downhearted] "I am so confused!" Eddy: "GET OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU TWERP!" Sarah: "MOVE IT!" [She drags Ed outside.] Edd: "Um, Eddy? Sarah's here."

[Ed stands on the patio.] Ed: "Um, see? I am practicing, Sarah. Hang on to your hat." [He begins playing poorly.] Jimmy: "That's repulsive!" ''[Sarah drags him around a corner. She whispers in his ear.]'' Jimmy: "You're as sly as a fox, girlfriend!" Sarah: "Call me if there's any trouble." [Eddy breaks the door down onto Ed.] Eddy: "That's it, I'm busting that thing into a thousand pieces!" [He raises it above his head.] Edd: "No, Eddy!" [Edd grabs it.] Eddy: "Quit butting in!" Edd: [through clenched teeth] "We seem to have company, Eddy. A direct line to Sarah should anything go amiss." ''[Edd points to an empty yard. Jimmy's hand snakes out from behind a fence and picks a flower.]'' Eddy: "Really? C'mon, Ed. Let's find a quiet spot and tune that violin."

''[The Eds go to a clearing in the woods. Eddy picks up a cinder block.]'' Eddy: "Okay, Ed, let me have it!" [Ed starts his awful performance again.] Eddy: "Man, he's bad!" Edd: [covering his ears] "Underneath the bitter rind lies a sweet and succulent fruit, Eddy." [Bark begins to peel off the trees.] Eddy: "I hate violins!" Ed: [stopping] "Practice I must, or Sarah my head will bust!" ''[Ed starts again. Jimmy, disguised as Little Bo Peep, comes by leading sheep.]'' Eddy: "Leech."

''[Edd and Eddy lead Ed down the lane. Eddy has his shoes stuffed in his ears. A baby carriage comes by, and Jimmy peeks out. Eddy whips it back the way it came. He smiles evilly and runs towards Ed. Eddy steals the violin.]'' Ed: "Eddy!" Eddy: "I hate violins!" [He holds it over a rock.] Edd: "Don't you dare, Eddy! That instrument has a legacy!" Ed: "And four strings!" [He takes it back.] "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot–" ''[Eddy kicks Ed's feet out from under him. The violin comes down, and Eddy catches it.]'' Edd: "Eddy, wait! The walls have eyes!" Eddy: "I told you to stay out of this! It's toast!" Edd: "But Eddy–" Eddy: "Zip it!" Edd: "Very well then. Succumb to your lowbrow tactics." Eddy: "So shut up already!" [Edd smiles.] Edd: "But before you violate the violin, Eddy, look up into that tree." [In the tree is Jimmy, disguised as a bird.] Eddy: [giving the violin back] "So um, Ed, shouldn't you be practicing?" Ed: "Look at the size of that bird!" [The real birds fly off, and Jimmy falls out of the tree.] "Aww, it is twitching." ''[Ed chuckles. Edd looks at the violin with love in his eyes. Eddy comes up with another destructive plan.]'' Eddy: "Let's use a chainsaw!" Edd: "No Eddy! Think of the consequences!" [He leads Eddy away.] "What if an accident were to befall Ed's violin? And what if this accident were to happen in plain view of Sarah and all to see?" Eddy: "Oh, I get it! What do I get?"

''[There is a giant statue in the cul-de-sac. It seems to be a remake of the Statue of Liberty. Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf look at it.]'' Kevin: "What is this?" Rolf: "Why is the Lady of Liberty looming over the cul-de-sac?" Kevin: "What an eyesore." Nazz: "Aw come on guys. I think it's cute." [Edd and Eddy look out from inside it.] Eddy: "This better make me happy, Double D." [Ed looks out.] Edd: "We'll all have our wish come true after this, Eddy." ''[Eddy races to a painted target and looks up. A giant funnel, part of the statue, points down at the target. Eddy moves Ed to the center of the target, where Ed will practice. Edd, using a giant marker, outlines footprints on the street. He then takes out a stick of gum, chews it up, and places it in the center of the last footprint.]'' Ed: "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot right." [He begins, and the cul-de-sac's usual business is disrupted.] Rolf: [stumbling along the footprints] "Save yourself, Double D Ed-boy, as a single fiendish fiddle of the mountains toys with our mortality!" ''[He stretches the gum across the street and can't move forward. Edd signals to Eddy.]'' Eddy: "Hey Jonny boy!" Jonny: "Hiya Eddy." Eddy: "Hey prickly, I'd like you to meet my pal, Sawtooth Cecil." [He pulls out a saw.] Jonny: "Look out, Plank! I'll save you buddy!" ''[Jonny runs away. Eddy sets up a jack-in-the-box and walks off.]'' Jonny: "Back off, Sawtooth Cecil, you bully!" ''[Jonny runs into the gum trap. The gum rebounds against him, shooting him backwards. Jonny hits the jack-in-the-box just as it goes off, giving him upward momentum. Jonny lands on a diving board attached to the statue. The diving board bounces him upwards through the ear of Lady Liberty. Jonny lands in a basket and triggers a complex contraption involving a bowling ball.]'' Eddy: "Quick! Let's go see!" [noticing Wilfred] "What's with the pig, Double D?" Edd: "It's a surprise, Eddy." Eddy: "Sure, I get it!" ''[The bowling ball fires out of a trashcan and lands in the funnel. Eddy watches eagerly.]'' Eddy: "Go, baby, go!" [The ball flies out of the funnel's base.] Eddy: "C'mon, c'mon!" [Inside, Edd pets Wilfred.] Edd: "I made a special treat for you, Wilfred. A very powerful magnet. Safe to eat, and chock full of essential vitamins for that growing swine." [Outside, the ball speeds towards its target.] Eddy: "It's in the bag!" Edd: [showing Wilfred out] "Go home now, and don't talk to any strangers." ''[Wilfred walks by the music stand. The magnet attracts it, and pulls it along. Ed follows. Just after Ed leaves the target, the ball slams into it, dead center.]'' Edd: "Yes." Eddy: "It missed!" Edd: [pretending to be surprised] "Completely! But how could it be? My computations were precise, rigorous, and painstaking. This goes beyond science, Eddy. An unfathomable force has sent us a clear message. That the violin shall not be harmed. That the violin shall be played, and produce wonderful–" Eddy: [catching on] "It was you!" Edd: "Me? Why that's the silliest thing I've ever heard." Eddy: "That's it, the stupid violin's pulp! You hear me?" Edd: [snatching the violin from Ed] "Scuse me, Ed." [He keeps a few yards between him and Eddy.] "Okay fine, I confess! It was I who sabotaged the plan! I had to, don't you see? How could I just let you destroy this magnificent symbol of man's contribution to the symphonic arts?" Eddy: "You double-crosser!" [He chases Edd.] "Wait'll I get my hands on you!" [Edd trips.] Edd: "Oh dear!" ''[He rises. He has crushed the violin.]'' "What have I done?" Jimmy: [as a rabbit] "Egads! I'm telling Sarah!" [singing] "I know what you did, you're in big trouble!" Ed: "No! Don't tell, little bunny!" Eddy: "Eh, good riddance. Violins are for sissies. Why, if I played an instrument, I'd get something manly, like a kazoo or something." [His friends look at him.] "What?" Ed: "Uh, Eddy? Sarah's here." [Sarah grabs Edd and Eddy.] Sarah: "Ed, come here." Ed: "Run away!" Sarah: "Ed!" [She chases Ed.] Eddy: "Run, Ed!" Edd: [delivering an eulogy] "Fare thee well, oh brave violin. Nevermore to sing the brilliance of Chopin. Nevermore to sound the sonnets of–" ''[Ed steps on Edd and pulls Eddy's hair. Ed plays Eddy like a violin.]'' Ed: "Look baby sister, I am practicing! See?" Eddy: [in pain] "ED!"