They Call Him Mr. Ed/Script

[Ed is seen blindfolded, standing in a backyard] Edd: "I have a surprise for you, Ed." [his hand appears, encased in a rubber glove and holding a Chunky Puff] Ed: [sniffing] "Fi fi fo fum, I smell Chunky Puffs!" Edd: "Very good, Ed. And if you can solve your way through my ' Maze of Inevitable Despair ', –" Ed: "Ah!" Edd: "–you'll win a grand prize! A full box of Chunky Puffs. Part of a complete breakfast." Ed: "I can do this, Double D!" Edd: [pulls out stopwatch] "That's the spirit, Ed! Now remember, solve the maze in the shortest amount of time and claim your Chunky Puffs." [waits a beat] "Go!" Ed: "Ha ha ha! Wait for me!" ''[Ed takes off, plowing straight through the maze, completely wrecking it. Edd watches despondently, realizing he had not accounted for Ed's strategy.]'' Ed: [breaking through the final wall] "I win I win! Chunky Puffs!" [crams the entire box into his mouth] Edd: "Excuse me, Ed? Not that you'd understand the geometry involved in such an endeavor, but– [suddenly angry] –that isn't how you go through a maze!" Ed: [swallowing the box] "Hang on Double D, I'll think of something!" [Eddy suddenly puts his head over the fence]

Eddy: [excited] "Hey ladies! Quit fooling around, cause I came up with the hippest, nowest, most primo plan yet! Are you ready for this? Cause today, we're going nowhere but up!" Edd: [after a pause] "And?" Eddy: "And nothing! UP!" Edd: [confused] "I seem to be floating in a sea of doubt here, Eddy. The dictionary has several definitions for the word–" Ed: [interrupting] "Oh I know! Up!" Eddy: "Not yet, Ed. C'mon!" [climbs the fence] "Follow my lead– Up!" Edd: [to Ed] "Ed, put me down." Ed: [correcting Edd] "Uh-uh-uh! That's up, Double D!" Edd: [resigned] "Of course, what was I thinking."

''[A telephone is seen sitting on a desk placed on a driveway. It rings, and Eddy slams his fist on the desk, causing the telephone to leap into his hand.]'' Eddy: "Talk to me." [listens to someone on the other end of the line for a few seconds] "Trade it! Buy it! Sell it!" [hangs up the phone] Ed: [offscreen] "Up up up!" [enters from the left, bouncing] "Up up up!" [exits to the right] Eddy: "Put some muscle into it, Ed!" Ed: "You got it, chief! And–" [crouches] "–up!" [shoots up high into the air] Eddy: "Keep that up, Ed!" [Ed crashes down into Eddy's desk] Ed: "I'm okay!" Eddy: [to Edd, who is building something out of cardboard] "Hey Sockhead! Lumpy here can't stay up!" Edd: "Well, what a coincidence! In the spirit of up-ness, I've constructed an elevator I'm sure would be of some help." Eddy: "Sweet!" [rushes off to try it] Edd: "I've been waiting all morning to say this, but– going up?" Eddy: "Nowhere but!" Ed: [pushes elevator button] "Pardon me, miss." ''[Ed steps into the elevator, where Muzak can be heard. The door closes, and he ascends.]'' Eddy: "I like what you came up with, Double D." Edd: "One could say things are looking up, Eddy." [Elevator reaches its top floor] Ed: "Look at me, guys! Am I up?" [steps out of the elevator and plummets to earth] "Ow. I'm okay" Edd: "I've taken the liberty of compiling a few statistics and drawing up a graph on this progress chart. As you can clearly see, business is advancing in an upward direction." Eddy: [confused] "Say what?" Edd: [annoyed by Eddy's dunderheadedness] "We go up, Eddy." Eddy: "You're a cut up, Double D." [he turns his chair around to reveal Jonny standing beside him.]

Jonny: "Hiya guys! Whatcha doin?" ''[Eddy moves his chair to block him. Plank peeps out from behind the chair, and then Jonny's head appears on the top.]'' Jonny: [poking Eddy's head] "Ding dong ding dong!" Eddy: [annoyed] "Hey hey hey! Double D, does the never-ending forehead have an appointment?" Jonny: "Here I am!" Edd: "Jonny 2 by 4 to see Eddy? I'll have a look, shall I?" [Ed can be seen in the background, working on the elevator.] Edd: "I'm sorry Jonny, we don't seem to have you penciled in. Perhaps later?" Jonny: "If you say so." Eddy: [thoroughly annoyed] "Fat chance!" ''[The camera shifts to the elevator. The buzzer dings, and then Ed falls to the ground. He gets up laughing, and then is seen carrying one end of a steel beam into the elevator. This goes on for a few seconds, until it is revealed that Ed is carrying it at the other end as well.]'' Edd: [leading Jonny away] "Patience, Jonny. Here at Ed Co., opportunities come up in the blink of an eye. Take my card." Jonny: [impressed] "Gee, Plank, Double D's got a card." Nazz: [coming up to Jonny with Jimmy] "What's going on, Jonny?" Jonny: "Beats me, but it's way cool!"

[Six phones, all of them ringing, are now on Eddy's desk.] Eddy: [talking on one of them] "No problemo. Gotta go." [slams it down and picks up the next one] "Ed Co." [waits a beat] "What part of ' up ' don't you understand?" [hangs up and picks up third phone] "You're. Fired." [somebody's mumbling is heard] "Call you right back, Mom." [to Edd, who is in front of his desk] "What's up, Double D?" [Nazz comes out from behind him] Nazz: "Hi Eddy. Can I join- uh- this- whatever you're doing?" ''[Eddy sweats profusely, and one of his hairs spontaneously develops a cowlick. He then develops a huge grin.]'' Nazz: "Is this like, a quiz or something?" Eddy: "You got spunk." [sticks out his hand, which is dripping with sweat] "Welcome to Ed Co." Nazz: [shaking hands with Eddy] "Ed Co.? Cool." [Double D looks on, astonished.]

Edd: [pulling a sheet of tape off the screen] "Door: Updated." ''[his face is seen through a door reading "Mr. Eddy, EDCO Inc." He then leans down to the driveway, which has tape on it] "Office walls upgraded. And–" [looking at the reception area]'' "–reception uplifting." [Ed can be seen in the background running down the side of the elevator, which has grown much larger] "Quite an upturn, if I can say so." ''[He throws a piece of crumpled paper at the trash. It goes in.]'' "Nice upshot." Eddy: [opening the door into Edd's face] "Miss Nazz, get me Mr. D." [He closes the door.] Edd: "Ow." Nazz: [reading a magazine] "Mr. D, I think Mr. Eddy's looking for you." Edd: [somewhat dazed] "Thank you."

''[In Eddy's office, Eddy is pacing back and forth. Edd enters.]'' Edd: "Looking for me, sir?" Eddy: [abruptly] "Park it." [he points to a stool in the corner] ''[Edd sits on the stool while Eddy sits in his chair. There is an awkward silence. Ed then comes running out from behind the elevator and runs into an invisible wall where the tape is.]'' Ed: [nonchalantly] "Forgot about the wall." [he runs off] Eddy: "Listen up. We need an up-and-comer, Mr. D. A go-getter to push this plot along. Edd: [proudly] "Look no further, Mr. Eddy, I'm up and ready to–" Eddy: [interrupting] "Get me Jimmy." Edd: [taken aback] "Jimmy?" [let down] "Uppercut." [he leans out of the office] "Miss Nazz, page Jimmy for me, would you?" Nazz: [filing her nails] "Sorry, Mr. D, but I'm up to my neck with filing." Edd: [sarcastically] "Of course you are." [pulls out bullhorn] "Jimmy! You're up, Jimmy!" Jimmy: [excited, hugging Jonny] "That's me, Jonny, me!" [running into the office] "I'm coming I'm coming! Whee!" Edd: "It's all up from here, Jimmy!" Jonny: [abruptly showing up behind Edd] "We're next!" Edd: "Well, you certainly have the Ed Co. attitude, Jonny." [in the mailroom] "I think the mailroom's right up your alley." Jonny: "Wow!" [begins stuffing mail in the slot marked "Up"] "I'm liking this, Mr. D!" Edd: "Good! Keep it up!"

[In Eddy's office, Jimmy is being held by the cheeks at arm's length by Eddy.] Eddy: [to Jimmy; they have apparently finished negotiations] "So, you up for it?" Jimmy: "I'm your boy!" Eddy: [tossing Jimmy away] "Make me proud!" Edd: [placing coffee on his desk] "Espresso, Mr. Eddy? I understand it's the beverage of choice for the upwardly mobile. To ' up ' ." ''[They both sip cups of coffee. Eddy does a spittake when he realizes how it tastes, whereas Edd turns green but swallows.]'' Edd: "Well that was an upturn for the worse." Eddy: "I almost upchucked!" [they share a laugh] "Alright alright, get back to work."

''[Ed is seen holding a fishing pole. He starts reeling in something on the other side.]'' Ed: "Upsa-daisy." ''[He is reeling in a tank of live fish. This tank is on the ground, and he is apparently fishing from the top of the elevator. Jimmy wanders in from the left, wearing oddly shaped glasses and holding color strips.]'' Jimmy: [looking at both the strips and the reception area] "Hmm. Ah-ha!" [places a vase of flowers on the receptionist's desk] "Uplifting!" ''[The camera zooms out to show what Jimmy has done. Among the new additions to the reception area are several plants, a water cooler, a fountain, and a couch. Also, there can be seen in Mr. Eddy's office several signs pointing up.]'' Nazz: "Cool, Jimmy, you've really spruced up this place." Jimmy: "Motif is the key to an organic work environment, Miss Nazz." Jonny: [bursting in] "Mail call!" Nazz: "Thanks Jonny." [she looks silently at a photo of what appears to be part of a plank] "What is this?" Jonny: "Plank photocopied his butt!" [Jonny, Jimmy, and Nazz share a giggle.] Rolf: "That is cool, yes Victor? Let Rolf, the son of a shepherd, now protect his own flock of simpleminded creatures." ''[Rolf and Victor are in a box labeled security. The rather rough voice of Kevin breaks through the peace.]''

Kevin: "What's with the Car Fifty-Four get-up, Rolf?" [laughs] "Afraid somebody might steal your box?" Rolf: [angrily] "Rolf is keeper of security! State your business." Kevin: "Chill, amigo, I was just– Nazz: [from inside Ed Co.] "Later, guys." Kevin: "Whoa, there's Nazz." [in a louder voice] "Yo, Nazz!" [He tries to crawl under the security gate, but is pulled back by Rolf.] "Hey, what gives?" Rolf: "Have you permission to enter?" Kevin: "Permission? I just wanna say hi to Nazz." Rolf: [questioningly] "Spindle-shanks Nazz girl?" [He thinks about it. Then, grudgingly] "Okay, but hold your tongue, and say nothing of this, yes?" Kevin: "Whatever." [he enters the business.]

''[As Kevin walks up the drive, Ed is seen carrying more materials to the elevator. The camera then shifts to inside Eddy's office.]'' Eddy: "Progress report, Mr. D!" Edd: "Well Mr. Eddy, morale is up, business is up, employee productivity is–" [sees Kevin coming up the driveway] "–not good not good not good not good not good not good!" [to Eddy] "Kevin is walking down the driveway!" [The house of cards Eddy has been building abruptly crumbles.] Kevin: [leaning on Nazz's desk] "Talk to me, Nazz. How about you and me go down to the lane and–" [turns to see he's facing Edd] Edd: "What's up, Kevin?" Kevin: "Up? What's it to ya? I'm just getting down with Nazz." Edd: "No down here, Kevin, why it's only up up up here at Ed Co." [he presses a button located on the underside of the receptionist's desk] Kevin: "Ed Co.? Sounds like a downer to me." Rolf: [performing security duties] "Up and away with you, as Rolf must uphold the law!" Kevin: "You're going down, dude." [manages to flip Rolf over] Rolf: "May you break out in lather and sprout a turnip from your nose!" [pulls Kevin down] Kevin: "Why you–" ''[They begin to fight. The watercooler and a plant are thrown. Eddy then appears at the door to his office. He opens it.]'' Eddy: "What's this uproar about?" [Rolf is thrown into the door, knocking it over.] "Get up, Rolf! What do I pay you for, anyway?" Rolf: "Pay?" Edd: [recognizing disaster] "No, Eddy!" Nazz: [realizing] "Hey, what about our pay?" Eddy: [remembering he isn't paying anybody] "Oops." [finding a scapegoat] "That's Mr. D's department." [whispering to Edd] "Chat 'em up, Sockhead." Edd: [sweating profusely] "Well, let's see. Ed Co.'s a nonprofit organization?" Eddy: [confident] "See, I–" [suddenly understanding and completely freaked out] "–NO PROFIT?" Kevin: "Down for the count, dorks." [The rest of the kids walk off.] Jimmy: [running away in tears] "My artistic vision! Sullied! I'm so downhearted!" Nazz: "Downlight lame, if you ask me." Rolf: "Downtrodden rabbit radishes! Come, Victor!" Jonny: "Hey, guys! Did everybody get to see Plank's butt?"

''[Edd and Eddy stand looking out into the street. The Ed Co. offices are completely destroyed. The fountain is broken, with water squirting all over; in it can be seen a trashcan. The plants' pots have all been smashed against the pavement, and the desks and chairs are all destroyed. As the duo look out into the street, a banner hung on the garage reading "Edco Inc." comes undone at one end and flutters down.]'' Edd: "I'm afraid it's downhill from here, Eddy." Eddy: [desperate] "Nowhere but up, Double D!" [Ed comes on the scene carrying a boat to the elevator and whistling.] Eddy: "Ed! What are you up to?" Ed: "Uh–Is that a quiz or something?" Eddy: "Quick! The elevator!" [with all three Eds in the elevator] "Up! Nowhere but, remember?" [he presses the button to start the elevator] Ed: "Oh goodie!"

''[The elevator climbs up a number of things, some of which it would be impossible to pass through, before reaching it's peak. Eddy and Edd climb out of a microwave, which sits next to a fridge.]'' Edd: [gasps] Eddy: "What are you waiting for?" [shoves Edd out onto the ledge] Edd: "Ed! What have you been up to?" Ed: [opening the fridge door, knocking Edd off the ledge] "Is this up or what?" Edd: "Help!" [it is shown that he is clinging to the moon] "Don't just stand there, do something!" Eddy: [in shock] "Ed! Why we're–" [recognition dawns] "–up! Super up! You did it, Lumpy!" Edd: "Is this what you did all day, Ed?" Ed: "I was making up, Double D!" Eddy: "This is as up as you can get, Ed!" Ed: "Thank you very much." [The moon starts to shake.] Edd: "Oh dear." [The moon tips over, smashing into the elevator and demolishing it.] Eddy: [desperate] "Change of plan, boys. I wanna go down!" [The other two echo this sentiment, and the show closes with an iris in on their proclamations of wanting to go down and lamentations of despair.]