All Eds Are Off/Script

[The school bus has taken the Peach Creek kids to the community swimming pool for morning swimming lessons.] Edd: "Swimming class certainly is an invigorating way to start the day! Don't you agree, Eddy?" ''[Edd looks over to his friend, who is snoring away. As he watches, Eddy sinks to the bottom.]'' Eddy: [breaching, suddenly awake] "THE DAM'S BURST! MAN THE LIFEBOATS! WOMEN AND ME FIRST! Man, this early morning stuff's killing me." [A bucket hits him.] "Hey watch it, Ahab! Trying to catch a few winks here!" [Ed is guzzling gravy from various containers.] Edd: [worried] "Ed! Is that–gravy you're consuming?" ''[The kids line up to dive from the low diving board. Ed brings up the rear, still guzzling gravy.]'' Ed: "My turn!" ''[Ed does a horribly clumsy dive, landing in the pool awkwardly. As he dives, a box falls out of his underwear.]'' Ed: [picking it up] "Oh, silly me. I dropped my box of ready instant gravy mix. Good thing it didn't open up, huh guys?" [The box splits along the bottom, turning the pool brown.] Edd: "Ed! You've contaminated the pool with the greased fat of meat drippings!" Ed: "There's plenty for everyone! Who needs a ladle?" [He holds up several.]

[The kids are climbing onto the bus after a hard day at school.] Kevin: "Aw, man, there's still gravy in my ear." [The Eds enter.] Eddy: [angry] "Great! So I end up with a detention because of your stupid eating habits!" Ed: "Is it that time? Ooh, gravy cakes! Yum." [He pulls some from the inside of his jacket.] Edd: "Excuse me, Ed, but don't you feel this daily diet of gravy may become detrimental to your health?" [Ed stares at Edd happily.] Eddy: [fed up] "I swear he's obsessed with the stuff! It's stashed here–" [he pulls up Ed's shirt, revealing various gravy boats] "–right there–" [he pulls off Ed's shoe and gravy flows out] "–I bet you couldn't go a lousy day without your lousy gravy, Ed." Ed: "Says you." [He drinks from a thermos of gravy.] Eddy: "SO PROVE IT!" Ed: [clutching his ears] "AAAAH! Your voice is like toothpicks in my drumsticks Eddy!" Edd: "I agree, Ed. I've always wished Eddy could communicate in a tone of voice that didn't rattle the timbers of every house in a four-block vicinity." [Eddy becomes steamed.] Ed: [to the camera] "Don't touch that dial, kids." Eddy: "And what about you, Mr. Encyclopediac! I bet I could stop yelling way before you could stop using those big fancy-schmancy words of yours." Jonny: "Plank says Double D would go wacky if he only used words with one syllable." Eddy: "Ha! Even the doorstop's got you pegged!" Kevin: [across the aisle] "Aww, Dork, Dork, and Dorky are having a little tiff. Ain't it precious?" [He and Nazz laugh.] "What dorks." Rolf: "Always with this duck word, yes Kevin-boy? Rolf would wager his love of mammal flesh and 25 cents that you cannot renounce this label for the mixed-nuts Ed-boys." Eddy: [interested by the prospect of cash] "Twenty-five cents?" Kevin: [miffed] "What? I can give up saying dork just like that." [He snaps his fingers.] [Eddy moves to a seat by Jonny.] Eddy: "Think you could go a whole day without that chunk of termite food telling you what to do?" Jonny: [nervous] "Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy, Eddy. Right, Plank?" Eddy: "Sounds like we got ourselves a bet. So whaddya say, boys? Ya in or what?" Kevin: "I'm in." [He joins hands with Eddy.] Rolf: "Rolf will partake." [He puts his hand on top.] Jonny: "This is gonna be a hoot!" Ed: "No gravy, or bust!" Edd: "Very well then. I welcome the challenge to my vast resource of the English word." Kevin: "Yo, Nazz. Want in on this action?" Nazz: "As if." Edd: "Then may the best, ahem, gentleman, win." [The stack of hands breaks.]

''[It is the next day. Rolf hauls a huge load of meat out of his locker and throws it into the trash. He then goes back into his locker to get more. Sarah turns her head while walking to watch, and runs into Eddy.]'' Sarah: "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FISHFACE!" [Eddy opens his mouth to yell back, but sees Rolf and Kevin watching him.] Rolf: "Hell-lo." Eddy: [normally] "Ahem. Nice try, windbag." [He pokes Sarah's nose and walks away.] Jimmy: "Jeepers, Sarah, what was that all about?" Jonny: "Jimmy!" [He attacks.] "Quick! Tell me to do something, anything!" Jimmy: "Oh-uh-okay. Do my math homework for me?" ''[Jimmy cowers, expecting a punch. Instead, Jonny grabs Jimmy's math and goes off to the library.]'' Jonny: [seeing Plank on a book cart] "I'm my own person, Plank." ''[The door closes behind Jonny. Eddy watches eagerly, and makes as if to yell. Remembering the bet, he stops and goes to fetch his friends. He gets Edd and shows him the scene inside.]'' Eddy: "Check it out, Shakespeare. Without Plank, Melonhead's falling apart, begging to get bossed around. Ready to chicken out?" Edd: [nervous] "No, not at all. It is...fun! To...mmm...speak in small words all day. Not hard one bit." ''[Ed runs into Eddy. When he stands up, he has rings under his eyes and looks horrid.]'' Ed: "Double D! How much longer, must me and gravy–" [He scratches himself all over.] "–not be as one?" [Edd grabs Eddy and shows Ed to him.] Ed: "Oh, the suffering!" ''[He runs into the book cart. Ed then proceeds to run the cart over him repeatedly.]''

''[It is lunchtime. Kevin sets a brown paper bag on a table and starts to take out his lunch. Suddenly, a spitball zooms through the air and lodges above Kevin's ear. Five more quickly follow it.]'' Kevin: "KNOCK IT OFF, YA–" [Eddy looks surprised and then turns his ear, exaggeratedly listening for the insult.] Kevin: [let down] "Um...you know." [Eddy snickers.] Edd: "Don't...um...push! Ed–dee. You are not...oh...fair!" Jonny: "Here you go, Eddy!" [He drops a huge pile of socks on the table.] "Washed, dried, and static-free!" [Jonny grins fearfully, then looks over to Plank, at the next table.] Jonny: "I'm not listening to you!" [He plugs his ears and walks away.] ''[Eddy grins, while Edd looks worried. They then turn to the end of the table; Ed looks worse. On top of this, he is sucking ferociously on the table, trying to feed his addiction.]'' Ed: "Table coulda–kinda tastes like gravy." [Eddy hauls him upright and speaks sympathetically.] Eddy: "Forget the gravy, Ed. Here. Gnaw on this." ''[He gives Ed a plate of mashed potatoes. Ed's face falls into it. Ed looks up.]'' Ed: "Mashed potatoes? No gravy?" ''[The plate sails across the lunchroom and slams into Kevin. Kevin gets up angrily. He throws a football at Eddy, and it slams into the three-haired boy's face. Kevin runs up.]'' Kevin: "Nice catch ya–" [he strains to hold back, then gives up] "DORK!" [letting it out] "Dork dork, dorky dorky–dork!" [He cracks his neck.] "Man, that felt good." [At the table, Edd is folding socks.] Edd: "Must–fold–socks." Eddy: "Let's see here..." [Eddy is looking at a dictionary, pen between his teeth.] "Con-she-en-che-us? What kinda bunk word is that?" [He scratches it out.] "Oh, here's another one. Tem-pera-mental." [He gets rid of it.] "Well I don't know about you, but that's just plain stupid." Edd: [tormented] "STOP!" [He snatches the dictionary away.] "I will not tolerate your singlehanded annihilation of the English language for your own monetary gain, Eddy!" [Edd realizes what he just said and clamps his hands over his mouth.] Jonny: "Think, Jonny, think!" [He is at an impasse over which sandwich to have.] "Just make up your mind!" Eddy: "What's that Plank?" [He's pretending to listen to Plank.] "You want me to what? Move all your stuff to my house? You wanna boss me around instead? And hang out with someone with a normal-sized head? You're a riot, pal-o-mine!" [Jonny knocks Eddy out of the way and grabs Plank.] Jonny: "Nobody takes orders from this hunk of termite food except me! Nuts to your stupid bet, homewrecker!" ''[Jonny exits the cafeteria, having lost the bet but gotten his friend back. A haggard Rolf enters.]'' Rolf: "Thank you Jonny the woodboy, Rolf could not find the strength to open the door!" ''[The door runs into him, pushing him forward. Ed, meanwhile, crawls along the floor.]'' Ed: [desperate] "Gravy?" [Sarah and Jimmy are drinking from steaming bowls of some brown liquid.] Jimmy: "I've got love in my tummy, Sarah!" Sarah: "Me too, Jimmy!" ''[Rolf is hovering over the vegetables counter, trying to decide what tasteless lump he should serve himself. He plucks a stick of celery, but cannot find the strength within his jaw to bite through it.]'' Eddy: "Mmm. Meaty." [He takes a giant bite out of a sausage.] "Yep. Real meaty meat." [A tear leaks out of Rolf's eye as he watches Eddy chew.] Rolf: "The games have ended! Rolf can no longer resist the sweet flesh draped in fat like Papa's therapeutic truss!" ''[Rolf proceeds to eat his way through the entire counter of meat. Coming to the end, he knocks the lid off of a barrel of what appears to be gravy. Ed, seeing it, smiles happily.]'' Ed: [overcome by the addiction] "It is you. Come to Ed! Belly misses you!" [He runs to the barrel.] Edd: "Ed, stop!" [He stands by Ed, who is balanced on the edge of the barrel.] "You and Eddy are the only ones left in the bet!" [Ed dives into the gravy.] Eddy: "I WIN! Ha ha ha! Am I loud enough for you now, Double D? HOW BOUT NOW! NO? HOW BOUT NOW!" Ed: [popping out of the barrel] "Uh oh. Butterscotch." [He clutches at his throat.] Eddy: "Butterwhat?" Edd: [reading a poster] "Oh, would you look at that! It's Fun With Butterscotch Pudding Tuesday today. It's not gravy after all!" Eddy: [irked] "Not gravy?" ''[Ed scratches himself. Eddy realizes he lost by celebrating prematurely.]''

''[Ed and Edd are in the school hall. Edd holds up a roll of quarters while Ed drinks from a fountain.]'' Edd: "One dollar and twenty-five cents exactly. Congratulations! I do hope this eases the discomfort a tad. Who would have known you were allergic to butterscotch pudding?" ''[Ed straightens up. His face and tongue are swollen, and his cheeks are covered in boils.]'' Ed: "Not me, Double D." Eddy: "What's bloathead gonna do with that cash?" [He tries to grab it away.] ''[Ed holds Eddy against his side. Grabbing Edd with his other arm, he pulls out a magazine.]'' Ed: "See?" Edd: "A gravy catalog?" Ed: [indicating items] "There's Mexican Hot Tamale gravy, and Scottish Haggis gravy, Swiss Cheese Chicken gravy. Yum." Eddy: [angry] "Oh come on! You're gonna spend the money on more gravy?" Edd: [happy] "Irony, Eddy. Look that up in the dictionary." ''[Eddy is about to retort, but instead he bites his tongue. He sneaks off. A few seconds later, he comes back with a gigantic pot.]'' Eddy: "Oh yeah? Well looky here. I got me some butterscotch pudding–" [he dips his hand in and writes 'Ed' on the side in pudding] "–with Ed's name on it! How's that for ironing? Hah!" ''[Ed's eyes dilate, and he drags Edd away as he runs from Eddy. Eddy chases them angrily, sloshing pudding all over the place as he runs.]''