Tinker Ed/Script

''[Plank is leaning against a bookshelf in the library, reading a book entitled "Mind Control: A Prepubescents Guide." Jonny is next to him on a beanbag, looking dazed and stupid. In front of them sit Rolf and Kevin, doing their homework. Sarah's voice wafts over.]'' Sarah: "The little fairy, so little was she, her boat fitted inside a pea!" Jimmy: "Inside a pea? Dreamy!" Sarah: "She sailed to the fairy kingdom in the clouds, past the diamond stairwell to a garden of doves." Kevin: [writing] "Garden...of...doves." [He does a double-take, realizing he screwed up his homework.] Jimmy: [pointing out the window] "Oh look, Sarah! Is that her boat?" Kevin: "Pipe down! If I don't finish this stupid geography essay I'm off the team, man!" Sarah: [ignoring him] "Eeh." [loudly] "She turned and waved Mindy the Mermaid goodbye! Fluttered her wings and flew into the sky!" Sarah and Jimmy: [loudly] "Go on, come after me, look at me fly! Try to keep up with me, try try try!" ''[Jimmy runs around. He jumps on Kevin's table, scattering the homework, then runs around the library.]'' Jimmy: "I'm flying! Whee!" [A geography text hits him on the back of the head.] Kevin: [retrieving his text] "Grow up, squirt. All that fairy tale stuff's a load of baloney." Jimmy: "Fairy tales are not a load of baloney! They're real, golly gosh! You'll see! You'll see!" ''[Rolf suspiciously looks at his pack. He picks it up, and a container of sliced baloney falls out. He puts the meat back in and looks around.]'' Rolf: [to himself] "How is it that the others know of Rolf's load of baloney?" [He looks around suspiciously.]

''[The school bell rings. Eddy runs down a street, Ed's pants trailing behind him. On the other side, Ed follows, laughing. Edd, blushing, brings up the rear.]'' Edd: "Ed? Eddy?" [A pair of hands reach out from a bush and pull him in.] Eddy: [laughing] "Did you see the look on Nazz's face, Double D? I thought she was gonna throw up!" Edd: [as Ed puts his pants back on] "Silly me. And here I thought we were beyond depantsing Ed in front of the cheerleaders." Eddy: "Admit it, you loved it, Double D." ''[Edd falls out of the bush. He looks around and sees Jimmy, sitting on a rug on the grass.]'' Jimmy: "Wait and see, Mr. Yum Yum. When my magic carpet flies, like this book says it can, Kevin will know once and for all that fairy tales do exist. Oh, you might need this." [He gives the toy a barf bag.] "I'll fly right through his window, just like–" Eddy: [shaking the carpet in the air] "HEYO MAMA! IT'S FLYING! ALL MAGIC LIKE! WHOO!" [Eddy drops the carpet.] Ed: "Awwwwww..." [He picks up Jimmy.] "Don't count your beans before they hatch, little fella." [He puts Jimmy's turban back on and walks away, signaling that Jimmy is crazy.] Jimmy: "Oh, Ed! Not you too!" [He cries.] "Pixes, fairies, and unicorns do exist! WAAAHHH!" ''[His tears fall on a picture, and the cheap ink melts off the page. Eddy pushes the book away.]'' Eddy: [sympathetic] "Hey, buddy. It's all right. Turn that frown upside down. What does Kev know? Just so you know, I saw a unicorn in the woods this very morning." Jimmy: [excited] "Really, Eddy?" Eddy: "Whadda you say we go see it?" Jimmy: "Ooh ooh!" [He nods.] Edd: "Yes, of course! That's a splendid idea, Eddy! That would certainly make Jimmy–I mean, Kevin, see the truth in fairy tales." [Edd and Eddy smile, and Jimmy hugs them.] Jimmy: [softly] "When you're ready." Eddy: "No problem, curlique." Ed: "Don't forget me, kids." [He squeezes into the hug.] Eddy: "Why don't you meet me in the woods in an hour?" Jimmy: "With bells on my toes!" [He scurries off.] Edd: "Eddy, that was a very, very sweet thing to do for young Jimmy. I'm all heart. Right, Ed?" Ed: "Beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more you eat the more–" Eddy: "Shut up, Ed!" [He drags Ed away.]

[Rolf is dragging his sack of baloney down the street when Kevin pulls up next to him.] Kevin: "Hey Rolf, what's in the bag? Got a lot of homework today." Rolf: [nervous] "Yes, homework. Rolf has much–homework. Certainly not a load of baloney, no no." [Kevin looks at him silently.] Rolf: "We have finished talking, goodbye!"

''[Eddy, using a hockey stick as a machete, leads Jimmy through the woods. Jimmy follows nervously. Suddenly he trips.]'' Eddy: "Look out for those gold-dusted unicorn hoofprints!" [Jimmy has indeed tripped over marks left behind by horseshoes.] Jimmy: [following the trail] "Be still my beating heart? Am I sweating? I AM! I AM, EDDY!" [Eddy stops Jimmy with his hockey stick.] Eddy: "Quiet, you'll scare it." ''[Jimmy looks at a hill. Over the rise comes the figure of a majestic unicorn.]'' Jimmy: "Fairy tales are true!" Eddy: "Yep. Hold up! I could've sworn I had some rare unicorn food around here somewhere. Oh looky! A magical unicorn cracker!" [He holds it up.] Jimmy: "Ooh!" Eddy: "Only a quarter." [Jimmy pays.] "Feed the unicorn, Jimmy!" ''[Jimmy rushes up to the unicorn. Up close, it is obvious that the unicorn was a fake; in fact, the rainbow and mushrooms around it are poorly made props. Jimmy doesn't notice, though; he climbs on the unicorn's back and hugs it.]'' Eddy: [trying to pull Jimmy off] "Hey hey hey! Careful there, slugger!" Jimmy: "But I haven't fed him yet!" Eddy: "Hugging costs extra!" ''[The seams on the unicorn's neck give, and Jimmy falls onto Eddy. The head comes off and lands in front of Jimmy.]'' Jimmy: "AAAAAHHH!!!" ''[He looks at the unicorn. Ed's head is poking out of its neck. As he watches, the tail gets ripped off, and Edd pops out.]'' Edd: "Gracious, Ed! You could have at least left your shoes on!" [He spots Jimmy.] Jimmy: "AAAAAHHH! Kevin was right! Fairy tales aren't true!" [He walks out of the scam, crying despondently.] "It's all a lie. A lie. All of it." Eddy: "IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT FAIRY TALE STUFF'S A LOAD OF BALONEY!"

''[Eddy's yell echoes through the woods. Rolf, who is carrying his pack through the semi-wilderness, stops.]'' Rolf: [nervous] "Everyone is after Rolf's load of baloney." [He drops the pack.] "YOU SHALL NOT HAVE IT!" [Rolf begins to devour the meat.] "Leave Rolf's alone."

''[Sarah is making faces in a mirror. The doorbell rings, and she gladly rushes down to open it.]'' Sarah: [smile disappearing] "Jimmy? Is that you?"

''[Edd is walking down the lane sadly. In front of him walk Ed, with Eddy perched on his head.]'' Eddy: "C'mon, Double D! Candy store's a-waitin!" Ed: "And it's waited a lot!" [quickly] "Big butt." Eddy: "Huh? What's that supposed to mean? I ate a big breakfast. So what?" [Edd gazes at the quarter.] Edd: [remorseful] "Found in shame! Gorged in guilt! Oh, I will not sleep this, nor any other night, knowing I had a hand in ruining Jimmy's innocent enchantment in fairy tales!" [The Eds walk by a broken fence.] Eddy: "Ah, he'll get over it. Kinda reminds me of the day my brother told me cartoons weren't real." Ed: [shocked] "Say it isn't so, Eddy!" Eddy: "Yep, growing up sure stinks." [He rounds the corner and a fist punches him into a dumpster.] Ed: "Sarah, guys." Sarah: [pushing Ed back] "Jimmy's a zombie 'cause of your stupid unicorn trick." Ed: [excited] "A zombie? Ed must touch zombie." [Sarah pulls Eddy out and slams him into Ed's back repeatedly.] Sarah: "You better fix him–" [slam] "–before sundown, or you're–" [slam] "–dog meat!" [Sarah ties Eddy to Ed.] Sarah: [to Edd] "GOT IT?" Edd: "Sarah, I assure you that we all wish to make things right!" Eddy: "No it isn't!" [Sarah kicks Eddy over, and Ed topples onto him.] Eddy: [strangled] "I mean yes, yes we will! Make it. Where is the little guy? I miss him so."

''[Jimmy is sitting on a pile of leaves. A dark cloud hangs over his head. Suddenly, Eddy is thrown onto the playground, a rope tied around him. He is dressed like a fairy.]'' Eddy: [falsetto] "Hi, little fellAAAAAAAAAAA!" ''[He is swooped away. Ed is having trouble controlling the rope that lets Eddy fly.]'' Edd: "Concentrate, Ed! Fairies are supposed to float dantily!" Eddy: "ED!" Edd: "Not flounder haphazardly." [Eddy swings into a wire fence, which sends him crashing to the ground in front of Jimmy.] Eddy: [muttering] "Why, you dirty–" [falsetto] "I'm the littlest fairy! Ting! With a spell to cheer you up all bright and merry!" Jimmy: [grumpy] "You don't exist!" Eddy: [normally] "And?" [Jimmy gets up and walks away.] Ed: "It's not working, Double D! Jimmy's cloud won't go away!" [Edd is no longer there.] "Double D?" [Edd approaches Jimmy, dressed as a mermaid.] Edd: "A tide of joy comes your way." [He presses a button on a boom box.] "I'm Alanis, mermaid of the sea. A mythological goddess to help guide you through–" [Jimmy presses another button.] Jimmy: "You're not real!" [He storms away.] Ed: [as a gnome] "Here I go." [He stands in front of Jimmy.] "Yucca yucca yucca. I'm Nug the gnome, and I–" [He peers at Jimmy.] "And I tickle the feet of sad little–" Jimmy: [shoving Ed away] "Go away, charlatan!" ''[Ed, stumbling backwards, trips over something sticking out of the ground. Jimmy picks it up; it is a golden horseshoe. He dusts it off on his shirt.]'' Jimmy: "What irony is this? A horseshoe made of pure gold?" Eddy: [excited] "Gold, you say?" Jimmy: [staring coldly at the gold horseshoe] "As gold as the toes of my once-beloved unicorn creature! But fairies and unicorns no longer exist to me! Nothing but torment lies! This 24-carat shoe is nothing but a reminder of my gullible youth!" Eddy: "T-tell you what! If it's wearing you out so much, I'll give you a quarter for it!" [He hands Jimmy a quarter and runs back to Edd, ecstatic.] Eddy: "Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rolling in dough! I can retire now! Look! It's mine!" ''[The storm cloud over Jimmy's head abruptly disappears. It seems Jimmy has tricked Eddy.]'' Edd: [peering at the shoe] "Perhaps you may want to have a closer look, Eddy." Eddy: "What?" Edd: [turning it over] "I'm afraid this is nothing more than a plastic dental retainer painted with gold nail polish." [The smile slowly drops from Eddy's face.] Ed: "Horses don't have teeths on their feet, Double D." [Jimmy giggles.] Ed: "Jimmy's happy again." Edd: "Indeed." Eddy: [advancing on Jimmy menacingly] "What? You backstabbing little weasel! Gimme back my quarter!" [He has come to stand on an X marked with tape.] "What's the X for?" [Sarah peeks out from behind a tree and takes a photo.] Sarah: "Got the fairy creatures proof, Jimmy!" [She tosses it to Kevin, who was hiding behind another tree.] Kevin: "Whoa! Say, Fluffy, you sure made a believer out of me, dude! I better go spread this with the others at school. They'll sure want to see this!" [He bikes off, ready to completely humiliate the Eds.] Eddy: [desperate] "No wait! Kev! Come back!" ''[He stops chasing Kevin. Sarah and Jimmy run out of the park, giggling happily.]'' Edd: [amazed] "They were all part of an ingenious elaborate hoax." Eddy: [unintentionally self-referential] "All that for a stupid quarter! How desperate can you get?" Edd: [breaking the fourth wall] "Well, best prepare our fairy tale for school tomorrow. It's gonna take a lot of explaining to get out of this plot hole." [A dark cloud appears over Eddy's head.] Eddy: "What a load of baloney!"

''[Rolf is in the woods, stomach swollen and body sated. Meat juice lies behind him, but the meat is gone.]'' Nazz: "Rolf? Are you okay? You don't look so good." Rolf: "Too late, vultures. Rolf has taken care of his load of baloney!" [He slaps his stomach.] "For good!" [Rolf burps, and Nazz, disgusted, leaves.] Jonny: "Rolf's a hoot, huh Plank?" Rolf: [stomach aching] "Mama. A purging for Rolf. I beg you!"