Hand Me Down Ed/Script

''[It is a peaceful summer day in Peach Creek; the sun is beating down, birds are chirping, and everything seems to be just as it should. As we view the skyline, a boomerang whizzes past. It circles over the cul-de-sac, slowly going lower and lower.]''

''[In a yard, Jimmy is sitting on a pillow. He stretches his legs into an awkward position behind his head.]'' Jimmy: "Are we ready, class?" [His class consists of a doll, a stuffed rabbit, and a teddy bear.] "Good. Let's begin, shall we? Let those nasties loose from your body. Ooh, doesn't that feel good? Now cuddle the tranquility. Snuggle the–" ''[Jimmy hears a noise and opens one eye. A basketball is bouncing towards a stand-alone mailbox. The ball hits the box. The mailbox teeters over and collapses onto a doll and half of the teddy bear. The bear is ripped in half, whereas the doll is crushed beneath the box.]'' Jimmy: "MR YUM-YUMS!" [Not bothering to untangle himself, he hops over to the destroyed bear.] "SPEAK TO ME!" ''[The bear's head just lolls over. Crying]'' "Dolly and I will miss you so! Dolly?" [realizing there's another casualty] "DOLLY!" [Jimmy struggles to lift the mailbox, but cannot accomplish it.] "It's no use! I'm so inadequate!" ''[He starts bawling. Kevin comes over, picks up his ball, and easily sets the mailbox upright.]'' Kevin: [looking at the wreckage] "Rough. Kiss those baby toys goodbye!" [walking away] "Huh, Fluffy?" Jimmy: [setting the wrecked toys and the bunny on the pillow] "If only I wasn't such a weightless weakling, I'd give him what for!" ''[Jimmy moves to carry the pillow away, but spots something in the bushes. The something is the boomerang, which has apparently finished its descent and settled there. Jimmy picks it up and stuffs it in the back of his shirt, making him appear to actually have muscles.]'' Jimmy: "Look at me, I'm a bruiser!" ''[He giggles, but suddenly he feels a strange transformation overtake him. Jimmy is now indeed a muscleman. He growls, and then his sight lands on Kevin, who is practicing his dribbling, unaware of Jimmy. This blissful ignorance does not last for long, as Jimmy swats Kevin's cap off his head and spins Kevin around to face him.]'' Kevin: "Hey–" [He sees the musclebound Jimmy, the offending mailbox raised over his head.] "Whoa." [Jimmy throws the box down on Kevin, crushing the boy into the cement.] Jimmy: [standing on the mailbox] "I am Jimmy. Hear me roar!" ''[Kevin pokes his head out from underneath the metal contraption and coughs out a letter. Jimmy looks at him, clenching his shoulders together to make himself appear wider. The boomerang can't stand the strain, and flies out of Jimmy's shirt. Jimmy instantly reverts to normal and takes in the scene.]'' Kevin: "You are so dead." Jimmy: [running away] "Aah! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!" Kevin: [not chasing Jimmy] "Man! What's with him?" [He picks up his cap and leaves.]

''[The boomerang finds its way through the cul-de-sac and through an open window. The window leads to Sarah's room. The boomerang lands in the toy box.]'' Sarah: "My room!" ''[Sarah's room is indeed a disaster area. There are various food remnants and a comic book on the floor. Running down her dresser is a strange blue ooze. The camera moves up to show that there is a dripping carton of milk on top of the dresser, along with an empty box of Chunky Puffs and a banana peel. Perhaps the strangest thing is the bone in a vase of flowers.]''

[In Ed's basement, the Eds are getting a scam ready.] Ed: [holding up a tube of Smile-O-Dent] "See? My favorite toothpaste, Eddy. Fresh as the day my mom bought it." Eddy: "Thataboy, Mung-mouth, it's perfect for the scam." Edd: [sarcastic] "Thank goodness, Ed, where would we be if you actually brushed now and then?" Sarah: [from upstairs] "ED! I've had it with you, mister! Not only did you mess up my room, but now I have to find something to hit you with." [She shuffles through her toy box and finds a broken baseball bat.] "Used it." [She pulls out a golf club with an outline of Ed's head in the middle.] "Used it." [Sarah finds the boomerang.] "Ah hah!" [Sarah undergoes a transformation.] Sarah: [sweetly, love in her eyes and in her heart] "Here I come, big brother!"

[Ed, in the basement, is panicking, running around in circles while dragging his two friends behind him.] Ed: "Run away run away run away!" [He spots the window and climbs up to it.] "Ed! Hurt!" [He climbs through it only to come face to face with his little sister.] Sarah: [cheerful] "Hiya, fellas!" [holding up the boomerang] "You wanna play? Huh? Do ya?" Eddy: "Get lost, twerp! We've got business to take care of." [Ed and Edd sweat, afraid of what fuse Eddy's words could light.] Ed: [cowed] "Don't hit me!" Sarah: [hurt by his plea] "Ed! How could you say that?" [She hugs him close.] "I love you, silly!" Edd: "I'm confused, Eddy. I've never seen Sarah act this way." Eddy: "Dames! Who can figger 'em?" ''[He gives the suitcase to Edd and goes over to Ed and Sarah. Pulling Sarah off Ed]'' "Hey! Whatever it is you're pulling, it ain't gonna work!" Sarah: [sweetly] "Aw, does little Eddy want a hug too?" [She clutches Eddy close.] Edd: [taking a step back] "Um, Sarah, are you feeling well?" Sarah: "I feel great, Double D. Hug for you too!" Ed: "Baby sister is cuddly and soft like Dad's bushy ears!" Edd: [running away in fear] "Good lord stay away! Ed do something!" ''[Sarah chases him, skipping leisurely. Edd runs into a backyard. Sarah's boomerang catches on a clothesline and is flung into the air. It flies away, and Sarah reverts to normal.]'' Ed: [hugging her] "Let me help you, flip-flop sister of mine." ''[Sarah growls and proceeds to thrash him. Eddy enters the yard, suitcase in his arms.]'' Sarah: [leaving] "Touch me again and I'll beat you to a pulp." Ed: "Ow." [He is headfirst in the ground.] "Ah, the good old days."

''[The boomerang flies over to Rolf's, where Rolf is plowing a plot of soil with his goat. The boomerang lands on top of the shed.]'' Rolf: "A fine bed for Rolf's seeds, yes Victor?" ''[Rolf carries Victor into the shed and hangs him on hooks. He then strains to get a bag of seeds, which is too big for the doorway, through the shed's door.]'' Rolf: "Come on you shriveled sack of produce droppings!" ''[Rolf gets the burlap bag through the door, and the shed shakes. This causes the boomerang to fly off its roof. Rolf begins to sprinkle seeds, but the boomerang comes down and lodges itself in the seat of his pants.]'' Rolf: "Hallo." ''[He looks at the boomerang, blushing. He then gets angry.]'' "WHO THREW THIS WHATCHAMADOOHICKEY AT ROLF'S POSTERIOR???" ''[No reply comes, but the transformation occurs and Rolf begins to sing opera. He recovers himself and clamps a hand over his mouth, surprised. When this stops the flow of song, he takes the hand away. Almost immediately, he begins to sing again.]''

[Eddy rings Rolf's doorbell, which is an actual bell.] Eddy: [straightening his tie] "Double D, act natural. Ed, shut up, and I'll do all the talking." [Edd opens the suitcase to reveal a taped on piece of paper reading "Dr. Ed's Ultra Dude."] Edd: "Misrepresenting toothpaste as a character-enhancing ointment is far beyond my scope of vocabulary, Eddy." Ed: "And I haven't a clue here what's going on, Eddy!" Eddy: "I said shut it, stupid!" ''[They wait. Rolf has still not come to the door. Eddy rings the bell again, and Rolf throws the door open, singing loudly. He comes out on the sidewalk. Soon enough, Eddy gets annoyed, and pushes Rolf back into the house. As Rolf falls backwards, the boomerang drops out of his pants.]'' Eddy: "Geez, since when did Rolf turn into one of those stuffed-shirt blowhard singer types?" [He closes the suitcase.] "The guy gave me a headache! Next house." ''[He picks up the suitcase and moves on. Edd opens the door and looks in on Rolf.]'' Rolf: [relieved] "Thank you." [Edd shuts the door and only then notices the boomerang.] Edd: "Odd. Isn't that the boomerang Sarah had earlier today?" Ed: [shoving Edd out of the way] "Boomerjigger?" Edd: "Ow..." [getting up] "Certainly you've heard of a boomerang, Ed. Its magnificent aerodynamic properties allow it, when thrown, to rotate a distance and return to the initial place of where it was thrown. Used primarily by natives who believed it to possess supernatural powers. Amusing, don't you think?" ''[Edd walks off. Ed, meanwhile, stares at the boomerang for a few minutes and then picks it up.]'' Ed: "Supernatural?" [A transformation occurs.]

Ed: [using a typewriter] "Chasing Phantoms: A Dissertation on Unifying Field Theory and it's Effect on Neptons and Quasars. By Edwin." ''[Edd stands there shocked. Ed has suddenly become a genius.]'' Edd: [excited, to Eddy, who is about to knock on another door] "Eddy come quick! You're not gonna believe this!" Eddy: [annoyed] "What the heck are you doing over there? The scam's over here!" Ed: [cleaning his glasses] "...and anyway, I balk at the results. Total molecular dissertation. Do you concur?" Eddy: "Ahem." Edd: [to Eddy, thrilled] "Eddy, did you hear that? Ed has finally found his intellect! I theorize that in puberty, a hormonal imbalance has unclogged his–" Eddy: "All I hear, is a COUPLE OF SLACKERS!" Ed: [pointing at Eddy with the boomerang] "Hostility is the calling card of the weak intellect." Eddy: [grabbing the boomerang] "I'll give you a calling card, right up your–" ''[The transformation occurs. Ed goes back to normal, scattering his papers around and rolling on the ground, happy and laughing.]'' Eddy: [motherly, treating the suitcase like a baby] "Coochie coochie coo! That's a good little baby. Don't drink too fast now, or you might get gas!" Edd: [thoroughly confused] "Eddy? Motherly?" Ed: "And he didn't even show!" [to Eddy] "What's the little dickens name, Mommy?" Eddy: "Casey. Casey Junior. Casey wants Uncle D to change his diaper." [He holds the suitcase out to Edd, along with the boomerang.] Edd: "Oh my. Gentlemen, there's something very fishy going on here." ''[A transformation over takes Edd. Eddy's slate is wiped clean; he is no longer motherly, but back to the same scamming, wise-cracking, care-only-about-cash Ed-boy we know.]'' Eddy: "What's Sockhead twitching about?" Edd: [sweating profusely] "Wow, is it hot or what?" Eddy: [taking the suitcase] "Get over it! We got a thing to sell." Edd: "Chill, bro, I'm sizzling in this heat." [He removes his shoes and then his socks.] "Au natural. The man's uniform is crimping my style." [He removes his shirt.] "Mother Nature and me got a thing goin' on." Eddy: [fearful] "This ain't right!" [Edd wiggles out of his pants.] Edd: [sighing with relief] "Right on!" Eddy: "WHO ARE YOU?!?!?" ''[Eddy runs by, holding the suitcase over his eyes. As he goes past, he grabs the boomerang from Edd.]'' "Stop it! Stop it stop it!" [Edd looks down and realizes he's almost naked.] Edd: "What in Sam Hill is going on here? I'm naked!" Ed: "Not quite yourself there, huh bucko?" Eddy: [motherly once again, wearing the dress and using the boomerang as a hairtie] "Good golly! Someone made a mister stinkums!" [He hands a diaper full of the hygiene products to Ed.] "Be a dear and dispose of this, will you, while I get Casey clean fresh diaper." [looking for something to tie the diaper with] "Oh, applesauce! No more safety pins." [Ed drops the diaper into the sewer.] Eddy: "Uncle D! Be a dear and get me a safety pin." Edd: "I'm not moving from this spot!" Ed: [pointing to the hairtie] "Why not use this boomerang, Mommy?" Eddy: "Oh thank you, young man!" ''[Ed pulls the boomerang out of Eddy's hair. Eddy instantly goes back to normal, while Ed becomes smart once again.]'' Ed: [examining the boomerang] "I feel an analysis is in order to determine the vessel's quantity of magnitude and direction." Edd: [freaked out] "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US?!?" Ed: [watching it fly away] "Inky-dinky purly voo!" Eddy: [looking in the empty suitcase] "Where'd the scam go?" Ed: [pointing to the returning boomerang] "Here it comes now, Eddy!" [The boomerang hits him, knocking him backwards.] Edd: "I'm so confused!" [Ed and the boomerang run into Edd.] Eddy: [pointing to his hair] "WHO DID THIS TO MY HEAD?" ''[The boomerang runs into Eddy as well. It continues to carry, only stopping when it runs into a tree, pinning the Eds to it.]''

''[The Eds are all stuck to a tree branch. One by one, they undergo their transformations.]'' Ed: "What an inane, incoherent, and ineffecacious journey this has been." Eddy: "Casey Jr.'s all alone! Mommy's here, sweetie! Don't cry!" Edd: "I'm getting the need to feel the breeze between my knees." [Edd removes his final article of clothing.] "That's the ticket." Eddy: "Not in front of the baby, please! Casey, you cover your eyes!" Ed: "Distasteful dullard!"