Rambling Ed/Script

''[Eddy is at a table, his disco ball in front of him. On his head sits a makeshift turban.]'' Eddy: [waving his hands over the ball] "Salami, baloney, and pumpernickeloaf! Listen up, you spirits of the Underwood!" Jonny: [seated opposite Eddy with Rolf] "Woohoo! Listen, Plank!" Rolf: "I fear we have angered the spirits, as it is a travesty to mix salami and baloney!" ''[Eddy shushes them. In the background, Edd plays slide on the pedal steel guitar. Ed blows into a jar.]'' Eddy: "Someone is trying to make contact from, you know...the DEAD!" Jonny: "Really? Spirits from the dead?" Rolf: "Shlork!" Jonny: "Show me where, Eddy!" Eddy: "Look, a phenomenon." ''[A can beside him is shaking. It makes its way across the table to Jonny and Rolf.]'' "The spirit's a little low on cash, and needs bus fare to join us!" Rolf: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!" Jonny: "Here you go." ''[He, Plank, and Rolf all chip in a quarter. The can continues to shake.]'' Eddy: "Crosstown, full fare." ''[Another coin is dropped in, and the can makes its way to Eddy's side of the table, where it falls off the edge. Eddy speaks to Edd, who is under the table with a magnet.]'' "Hook, line, and stinker. Let's wrap this up and buy some jawbreakers." Edd: [whispering] "Righto!" Eddy: "I shall now summon...the ghost! Rikky Dikky Stinky Winky! Enter, oh spirit of the Underwood!" ''[Behind the scenes, Edd moves a flour-coated Ed by pushing a line he is attached to forward. Ed gets his arm in, but then suddenly stops moving.]'' Rolf: "The spirit has stopped! A curse!" Eddy: "Seems the spirit has a snag." ''[Eddy yanks on Ed's sleeve, and Ed goes straight through the curtained area. Edd enters, clinging to the rope. Luckily, Rolf and Jonny are looking in the direction Ed went.]'' Rolf: "The spirit is quick!" Jonny: "I didn't see it either, Plank!" Eddy: "What the–" [He pulls Ed back into the room.] Jonny: "There it is! I'm ready to bust with excitement!" Rolf: "Look! It is so repulsive! It wants Rolf!" Ed: "I am a little teapot, short and stout. This is my handle, this is my spout." Edd: "Help me!" Jonny: "Look! More ghosts, Plank!" Edd: "Stay back! Retreat! Save me from this beast! Don't you touch me!" ''[The shadow of a clawed, fanged monster plays on the curtain. It tosses Edd away and leers at the curtain.]'' Eddy: [cowering under the table with his customers] "Give yourself up, Rolf, it's you it wants!" [The beast rips the curtain away, revealing itself as Sarah.] Sarah: "Eddy you idiot!" Eddy: "It's just stupid Sarah." Ed: "Hello baby sister." Sarah: [grabbing his ear] "You come with me, mister." Ed: [being dragged away] "What did I do?" Eddy: "Sarah! Come back here with my ghost!" Edd: "Sarah's interruption constituted a refund, Eddy. Jonny and Rolf were not impressed." Eddy: "Refund? Why's Ed put up with her?"

[Jimmy is huddled on Sarah's table.] Jimmy: "Sarah, hurry! I think it's crawling towards me!" [He throws a vase at a stinky sock on the floor.] Ed: [being dragged into the room by Sarah] "But it wasn't me, Sarah, I always put the seat down!" Jimmy: "The cavalry has arrived!" Sarah: "What's your sock doing in MY ROOM?" Ed: "Sleeping?" Sarah: "Pick it up or I tell mom!" Ed: "Okay. Don't tell mom, okay?" [He tosses the sock over his shoulder, and it lands on Edd.] "Is there anything else I can do?" Sarah: "Dress my dolls." Ed: "Okay. Something else, oh lovable sister who shares the same mom and dad?" Sarah: "Clean out your disgusting freezer experiment–" [She opens the freezer, and it pops out.] Jimmy: "Holy mackerel!" Sarah: "–And after that, set up our picnic outside!" Ed: "Is that all?" Sarah: "I'm just getting started." [She throws a huge list at him.] "Let's see now." Edd: [observing] "It's times like this I'm glad I'm an only child." Eddy: "That's pathetic! Ed should tell her to just–" Sarah: "Hit the road, flathead!" [She shoves Eddy out of the way.] "Ed has a lot of work to do." Jimmy: "Boy, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes." Eddy: "Who would? Ed!" [He sees Ed dressing a doll.] "WHAT are you DOING?" Ed: "Dressing the dolly. Oh, look at the pretty hat, Eddy." Eddy: "Get over it! If she told you to jump into a lake with a rock tied to your head and wait for naked photos of you to develop so she could hand them out to the kids in the cul-de-sac, would you?" Ed: "I had socks on, Eddy." Edd: "Eddy, family matters are best left to experts who deal with situations like–" [The doll hits him in the head.] Ed: "Nice shot, Eddy!" Eddy: "Now, if you had your own place, you wouldn't have to take orders from anyone! Pretty cool, huh? Ed? Ed?" [Ed is lost in his own world.] "Whaddya think?" [Eddy puts his hands in Ed's mouth and manipulates his lips while Eddy talks for him.] Eddy (as Ed): "I like it, Eddy! I have one eyebrow and the brain of a bug." Edd: "Going out on one's own requires planning, Eddy. There's so much work involved that–" Ed (as Eddy): "Relax, Double D, I'll help him pack!" Edd: "Yes, well, let's be sure to pack hand soap."

Eddy: "Put some muscle in it, boys!" ''[Eddy is lazing around while Edd pulls on one side of a large duffle. Ed is pushing on the other side, trying to get it out his small window. He suddenly stops and looks at it.]'' Edd: [between grunts] "Ed-did-you-pack-only-the-essentials-like-I-asked?" Ed: [pushing it loose] "Tag! You're it!" Eddy: "Go, Double D, go!" Edd: [trying to escape the giant suitcase] "Curse these short legs!" [The bag catches up to, and runs over, him.] "Well, there's my exercise for the day." Eddy: [leaping on top] "Well, Mr. Ed, where do you want to set up your new pad?" Ed: "But what about Sarah's chores?" Eddy: "All taken care of, Ed."

Jonny: [disguised as Ed and reading the list] "Look, Plank! We get to go to a tea party!"

Eddy: [helping Ed up the bag] "Think big, Ed! Where have you always wanted to live?" Ed: "Close to a mailbox, Eddy." Eddy: "I know just the place."

''[Rolf scoops a shovelful of dirt from his garden. He sniffs it, puts it in his mouth and chews it, and then spits it out.]'' Rolf: "The soil has been leached. Papa's fermented spoils will cure this plague." [Rolf opens his shed door.] Rolf: "FILTHY ANIMALS DO NOT BELONG IN ROLF'S SHED!" The Eds: "Hiya, Rolf!" Rolf: "Do not talk to Rolf as though all is forgotten, fortune-teller Ed-boys! You have besmirched Rolf with your scram!" Eddy: [timidly] "Um, I think you mean scam." [He and Ed are lying on the floor in front of Rolf.] Rolf: [counting] "One...two. Where is the brainy Ed-boy? Hmm?" [He looks to the side of the shed.] Edd: "Present." [Edd gets into position between Ed and Eddy.] Eddy: "You gotta help us, Rolf." Edd: "You see Rolf, Ed has moved out of his home in order to lead a more independent life, and to get away from Sarah, wouldn't we all. And well, here we are!" Rolf: [patting Ed on his head] "This is a brave thing you do, long-in-the-neck Ed-boy! Welcome to the home of Rolf! Please, make yourself at home, as Rolf could not sleep at night knowing dim-lit Ed-boy's out free in the streets." [He leaves.] Edd: "Rolf sure is an upright fellow!" Eddy: "What a feeb." Edd: "Shall we unpack?" Eddy: "Don't break a nail, Double D." ''[Edd opens the latch, and the duffel bursts apart. When the dust clears, we see that Ed's room has been packaged up and put in place again in Rolf's shed.]'' Ed: "I love canoes." Edd: [in the chair] "It looks just like your old room, Ed." Eddy: [behind a totem mask] "Yeah. Home sweet home." Ed: "My place is the cat's tuxedo, guys. Right Poochie?" [He scratches the cow.]

Rolf: "Wilfred! Victor!" [The goat and pig are eating from Rolf's garden.] "Need I remind you you are forbidden to eat from Rolf's vegetable patch?" [He carries them to a trough.] Ed: [popping out of the trough] "Hi, neighbor!" Rolf: "SHACKLAHAM!" [recovering] "Why are you in the trough of food spoils?" Ed: "I'm hot tubbin!" Rolf: "DO NOT FRAZZLE ROLF! Please do not contaminate the food, as pigs eat from it!" [He walks away.]

[Rolf places a rope around a tree stump and tugs.] Rolf: "May shower scum devour your head!" [He sees Eddy sitting on a chair perched on the stump.] "Ed-boy." Eddy: "What's up, Stretch?" Rolf: "Do you like being a guest at the house of Rolf and, you know, make lazy on Rolf's stump?" [He growls softly.] Eddy: [oblivious] "What're ya, kidding? It's great!" Ed: [being dragged by the cow] "I'm a cowboy, bang bang." Rolf: "A burden has been placed on Rolf."

''[Edd places a cinder block on an egg. Rolf drives his tractor in the background.]'' Edd: "Egg-ceptional!" ''[He makes some notes. On two other eggs he has balanced a brick and a bucket.]'' "Eggshells can hold many times there own weight and–" Ed: "Double D!" [He has balanced the tractor on an egg.] "Am I good or what?" Rolf: "May your nose fester with the rage of olives!" Edd: "I'm sorry, Rolf. I was just running a..." ''[As he continues his explanation, Victor notices Ed. He sees Ed's hips moving back and forth and takes this as an invitation to attack.]'' Ed: "Eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs hi Rolf!" [Victor heads him into the tractor, and the tractor starts to tip.] Edd: [looking at the egg] "A hypothesis!" [Rolf's tractor tips completely and his head falls into that day's haul of eggs, shattering them all.] Edd: [examining the egg] "Documented and proven. Not a scratch." Rolf: "My patience is wearing thin like Nana's head of hair!" [He uses the goat to knock the Eds into the shed.] "You have the use of Rolf's shed and nothing more!" [The door to the shed is slammed shut by him.]

''[Rolf is digging a huge hole. As he heaves out the last handful of dirt, his shed walks past, propelled by the Eds' legs. The Eds have managed not to break the terms of their lease while still using his farm.]'' Rolf: "Time to wash and fill Rolf's empty belly." ''[In the house, the Eds are reaching from the shed to grab food from the fridge. Rolf comes in, exhausted, but doesn't notice the shed. He moves in and out of the kitchen. While he is gone, the Eds take the shed and go, leaving behind a pile of dirty dishes. Rolf returns to the kitchen in his pajamas, carrying a plate. He turns to the fridge and sees the many dirtied dishes.]''

''[It is late at night, and Rolf is washing the last of the dishes. He looks up at the crescent moon.]'' Rolf: "The moon resembles half-eaten cheese." ''[Rolf finishes the last dish and puts down his sponge. On the sponge he rests his weary head. Suddenly, he is awakened by Ed's powerfully loud snoring.]'' Rolf: "Ed-boys try me at every turn!" [He opens the door to his room, where he finds Edd and Eddy in his bed.] Eddy: "Turn out that light!" Rolf: [backing down immediately] "Yes! Sorry, Ed-boy!" [He shuts the door and slumps against it to the sound of Ed's snoring.]

''[It is morning, and the snoring has stopped. Rolf is slumped against the door still, bleary-eyed from a night of no sleep.]'' Rolf: "Ah. The beast has stopped. Nighty-night Rolf." ''[Before Rolf can get any real rest, a smoke alarm goes off. He rushes to the kitchen and sees the Eds maylaying it.]'' Rolf: "Smoke? What?" Eddy: "You haven't lived till you've tried one of my omelets." Edd: "Good morning Rolf. Fresh fruit and the morning paper to start your day?" [He hands Rolf a platter of grapefruit and the newspaper.] Ed: "Hi, neighbor." [He is wrapped in toilet paper.] "You wouldn't happen to have any paper I could borrow? Oh, can I borrow this sink?" ''[He holds up a sink which has apparently been ripped out of the wall. Rolf looks like he's about to snap at any second.]'' Eddy: "I need ketchup for my eggs, Rolfy boy." Ed: "Anybody got a breath mint?" Rolf: "THE BURDEN OF HOSPITALITY IS TOO GREAT FOR ROLF!!!!!!!!!" ''[Rolf's words echo all around the cul-de-sac, bringing normal proceedings to a halt. Jonny (still disguised as Ed) and Plank (still dressed as a doll) are at a picnic with Sarah and Jimmy, and upon hearing Rolf, they freeze and Sarah spills her tea. Nazz and Kevin hear Rolf, when when Kevin stops peddling his bike, he hits a fire hydrant.]''

The Eds: "One...two...three!" [The shed tips over.] Ed: "Let's do it again!" ''[The Eds place their foot against a wall and push. The shed tips.]'' Rolf: [opening the door angrily] "Having fun with my shed, Ed-boys?" [He leaps in.] Edd: "Is all well, Rolf?" Ed: "Wipe your feet please." Rolf: "You have broken the celery stalk on the back of a sea urchin!" [He rips off his shirt and advances towards them.] Eddy: "What'd he say?" Rolf: "SHAKLAHAM!"

Rolf: [wearing a bag of oats on his head and looking at a pumpkin] "The yeast has risen and shown me the future of the couch-creature Ed-boys." [The Eds are stuck together by a saddle wrapped around their necks.] "Do you hear it? The spirit of the rind speaks!" Ed: "What does it say?" Eddy: [sarcastic] "Yeah. Tell us, oh swami." Rolf: "Aah. It says your day will begin by–" [He shows off the muscle in his right arm.] "CLEANING MY PIG PEN!" [The Eds set to work immediately.] "Also, your future will hold that you de-lice the chickens, and shake the dew of the trees, and brush the hair of the back of Rolf!" Edd: "Gloves! I need gloves!" Ed: "Rolf, you sure are bossy." Eddy: "Shut up, Ed."