Hot Buttered Ed/Script

[The Eds are in a tent in a backyard.] Eddy: "Ed! Quit hoggin 'em, Ed!" Ed: "Say pretty please, Eddy!" Eddy: "In your dreams." Ed: "Say 'pretty please with two eggs and a slice of bacon.'" Eddy: "Gimme the chips!" Edd: "Do you mind? I'm trying to read!" Eddy: "Wait for the movie Double D. C'mon, Ed, I'm starving!" [The bag rips, and chips fall all over the place.] Edd: [as the chips fall] "Oh, look at this now! Dried potatoes, that may contain dextrose salt and saturated fats all over my sleeping bag!" Eddy: [snickering] "Double-Dee made a mess in his sleeping bag, Ed!" Ed: "Hey, let's bake a pie and hit me with it!" [Eddy shines the flashlight at him.] Eddy: "Doctor, I think we need to operate." Edd: [giggling] "I concur, Eddy." Eddy: "Hold still, Lumpy!" [His fingers pinch Ed's shadow.] "Boink! Boink!" Ed: "I feel it, Eddy! Like voodoo." Eddy: "Boink!" Edd: "May I try?" Eddy: "Sure, why not." Edd: [making a shadow puppet] "Did you know shadow puppetry is one of the oldest forms of entertainment?" [He has made a dinosaur skeleton.] Ed: "Like walnuts?" [manipulating his fingers] "Can you guess what it is?" [He holds up his hand.] Eddy: "Hmm. Gee, Ed. Is it a–hand?" Ed: "Oh! Oh oh, wait wait. Um..." [His hand is the shadow on the tent.] "I think it's broken, guys." Eddy: "What a lump!" Edd: "Well, at least he's consistent." [He and Eddy share a laugh.] Jimmy: "Excuse me!" [He is calling from his bedroom window.] "Do you mind holding it down out there? Some of us are trying to sleep!" Edd: "Sssh! We're disturbing our neighbors, Eddy!" Eddy: "Oh, are we?" [He makes fart noises with his armpits, and he and Ed laugh.] Edd: "Eddy, please!" Jimmy: "Savages." [He slams his window.]

''[It is morning, and the Eds are fast asleep. Eddy wakes up for a few seconds and rolls over. He then goes back to sleep for a few seconds more. He then sits up, unzips the tent, and looks outside.]'' Eddy: "Wake up! We slept in!" Edd: "Slept in? Oh dear! I've never slept in! I've blemished my personal resume!" Eddy: [Ed is still snoozing] "Ed, wake up! We gotta get to the creek or we'll lose our spot at the swimming hole!" Ed: [sitting up] "Oh, no, spot is lost! Say it ain't so, Eddy!" [He runs out of the tent.] Eddy: "Ed, this way! Hurry up, Sockhead." [He runs in the opposite direction.] Edd: "But I haven't brushed my teeth or had my crumpet or–" [Ed runs into him, tentclad.] Ed: "Here, Spot! Come on, boy!"

''[Eddy, hustling, strips off his shirt. Edd follows, changing out of his pjs as he runs.]'' Edd: "Ed, you're not listening! The spot by the creek!" Ed: "Spot's by the creek, Eddy!"

[The Eds rush down to the creek, where the kids are playing.] Eddy: "Tell me something I don't know, Ed." Nazz: [as the Eds run by] "Hi, Eddy. Hi, Double D." Ed: "Hello, Ed." Eddy: [sighting the spot] "I see it! I see it! And it's all ours! Oh, baby!" ''[Eddy dives for it. Kevin, carrying a towel, gets in the way and elbows Eddy into the water. He then spreads out his towel in the spot Eddy had picked for himself.]'' Kevin: "Didn't see you there, pal." Eddy: [grabbing Kevin's leg] "That's our spot!" Kevin: "Don't see your name on it, dork." [He kicks Eddy off.] Ed: "I got him, Double D, I got him!" [He catches Eddy.] Edd: "The swimming area's large enough to accommodate us all, Eddy. Let me find you a better spot." Eddy: [grousing] "Kevin stole the better spot!" Ed: "I got him, Double D, I got him!" [He runs off.] Eddy: "Ed!"

''[Sarah and Jimmy are playing in the sand. Nazz walks to the water's edge and dips a toe in.]'' Rolf: [popping out on a beach ball] "Bugaboo! Do not ask Rolf to stop!" Eddy: [in a rocky, undesirable area] "Nice spot, Double D. Is there something on my back?" [On Eddy's back are wedged many rocks, a stick, and a soda can.] Edd: "This isn't oh so bad, Eddy. Let's stay all ow day. Oooch." Ed: "Oink, oink, oink." [He has placed two giant leaves around his neck.] "Oink, oink, oink." [He shoots his tongue out three times.] "I am a lizard! Oink, oink, oink." Edd: [searching through his bag] "Well, Ed's lack of sleep is evident." [He pulls out a microscope.] Eddy: "This spot stinks! There's rocks, garbage, and bugs everywhere!" Edd: "Not to mention the lack of shade. Boy, is it hot!" [He continues to hunt through the bag.] Eddy: "C'mon, let's get out of here." Edd: "Oh dear. It can't be!" [He drops the bag.] "I forgot my sunscreen! I'm so vulnerable. I can feel my flesh tighten. The stinging of the ultraviolet rays! Eddy, Kevin stole our spot." Eddy: "Man, it's like a merry-go-round. That's exactly what I said twenty pages ago!" Edd: "But Eddy, look at him. He looks so comfortable." Eddy: "Let's put a stamp on his head and mail him to Hollywood." Edd: "Too inhumane, Eddy. In chess, to position oneself, one must first go through the pawns." [The camera scans the beach and settles on Sarah and Jimmy, who are making a sand unicorn.] Sarah: "It just needs a ribbon, Jimmy, and it'll be perfect!" [She goes off to get one.] Jimmy: [patting the sand into shape] "Unicorns are my specialty." Ed: "Look at me!" [He is riding the unicorn.] "Giddy-up, mutant horse!" Jimmy: "No, Ed! Unicorns are sensitive!" Ed: "P'shaw!" [He throws Jimmy on his back and rides.] Jimmy: "Aah! My tummy!" [Ed's vigorous riding knocks the sand off the unicorn, destroying it.] "I feel queasy." Sarah: "Ed! Put him down!" [Ed throws Jimmy off, and Eddy enters.] Eddy: "Hi, Jimmy, wanna play a game?" Jimmy: [quavering] "Eddy?" Sarah: "It's bonehead time." Eddy: "Ever play 'Splish Splash In a Bath?'" Ed: "I have!" Eddy: [taken aback] "You have?" Ed: "Splish splash, take a bath!" ''[He throws Eddy into the lake. Eddy skips like a stone until he hits a tree growing in the water. The tree tips and both it and Eddy sink.]'' Rolf: "Bravo, Ed-boy. A fine toss." [Both he and Nazz clap.] Ed: "I did a four-splasher! A new splish-splash record." Sarah: "Look out! I can beat your stupid record." [She shoves him into the lake.] Jimmy: [on the hot sand] "Ow! Eee! Ooh! Hot! Calluses!" Edd: [a book on his head] "Excuse me, Jimmy. You wouldn't happen to have any more sunscreen, would you?" [Various beach toys go sailing over Edd's head.] Eddy: "What're you waiting for, boys? We're one small step to one giant leap from kicking Kevin out of our spot!" Kevin: "Ha! Good luck, Beach Blanket Dorko!" [He inflates an air mattress in the desired spot, sending a soda flying onto Eddy's head.] Ed: "Are you going to finish that?" Eddy: "Gimme back my spot, Kevin!" Sarah: "Hey! Get outta our spot!" Eddy: "You and who's army?" Edd: "You'd think you would've learned by now, Eddy." Sarah: "AAAH!!!" [She attacks, and the three Eds fly into the water.] Edd: [cooled] "Ooh! That worked out nicely." Eddy: [seeing the empty spot] "Look! Our spot's empty! Quick, let's grab it before–" Kevin: [riding the mattress across the water] "I get back?" [He rides onto the beach and lands in his spot.] Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy, but I need to revisit the sun issue?" Eddy: "You're like a broken record, Double D. Geez." Edd: "Our being surrounded by water seems to be magnifying those ultraviolet rays I told you about earlier, my skin's becoming quite sensitive, Eddy!" Eddy: "Yap yap yap." [Suddenly, a shadow passes in front of the sun.] Edd: "Look, it's an eclipse of the sun!" Ed: "That's Jonny's head, Double D." [Jonny is sitting on top of the cliff.] Eddy: "What's he doing up there?" [having an idea] "Hey, check it out! If we had Jonny's spot, we could keep an eye on my spot!" Edd: "At that elevation, it must have a cooling cross-breeze, perhaps even shade!" Eddy: "It's a cinch. We just need to get rid of Jonny!" [Bubbles are released from the back of Ed's shorts, and Edd and Eddy glare at him.]

[The sun is beating down on the rocks as the Eds climb the cliff.] Eddy: [on Ed, who is a camel] "Let's see. What'll we use to get melonhead off his perch? Explosives? Nah. A giant slingshot? Nope. A trapeze! Double D, that's it! We'll use a trapeze! He'll never know what hit him!" [plotting] "We'll lower some rope–Ed, you can wear the tights." Edd: [touching a particularly hot rock] "Aaauughgh!" Ed: "A bar mitzvah." Eddy: "So anyway, you just swing over,–" Edd: "A trapeze? Please. Here's an idea, Eddy. Next time, let's just sit in an oven!" Eddy: "Why don't you do something useful? LIKE HURRY UP!" [Edd begins to shake with rage.]

[Ed and Eddy look out at Jonny, who is sunbathing.] Eddy: [whispering] "Pass me the trapeze, Ed!" Ed: "What?" [Edd, brash and bold, walks across the top of the cliff.] Eddy: "What's Sockhead doing?" ''[Edd takes out a whistle and blows it. Jonny leaps up.]'' Jonny: "I'm ready, coach!" ''[Jonny runs to the edge of the cliff and jumps. On the way down, he performs an acrobatic maneuver and dives into the pool gracefully.]'' Jonny: [surfacing] "Did I make the team, Plank?" Eddy: [in awe] "Double D! That was pure genius!" Edd: "Can we move on this heat is unbearable." ''[A stream of white liquid shoots by Edd. Ed has his foot on a bottle and is squeezing the goo out.]'' Ed: "The sound of a babbling brook makes me want to babble, Double D." Edd: "Was that Jonny's sunscreen?" Eddy: "Oh, this is perfect. Once Kevin moves, we'll just swoop in–we'll be kings of the swimming hole!" [Edd is desperately trying to shake some remnants of sunscreen into his palm.] Edd: [tossing the empty bottle away] "My kingdom for sunscreen." Eddy: "Ed, you be lookout." Ed: "One two buckle my shoe." [He gets into position and looks out over the beach.] Eddy: "Mess with me, will he? Ha!"

''[The sun has sunk low to the ground, temperatures have cooled, shadows have lengthened, and the kids are tired out from a day at the beach. Nazz leaves with a yawn, followed by Kevin, who is carrying back all his beach paraphernalia. Ed, at the top of the cliff, waves goodbye.]'' Ed: "Seeya, Kevin!" Eddy: [excited] "Kevin leave? Woohoo! Took him long enough. Slug." Edd: "Assistance please. Assistance." [Edd is stretched out on the cliff, his body burned red from a day without sunscreen.] Eddy: "What's with you?" Edd: "Mother nature is sssooooooooooo unforgiving." Ed: [extending his arm] "Come on, Double D." [He lifts Edd to a standing position.] Edd: "Yowch! Don't touch me!" [He touches his face.] "Yowch! My face! Every nerve in the primary layers of skin are screaming, 'DOUBLE D, YOU NINCOMPOOP, YOU FORGOT THE SUNSCREEN!'" [He moves.] "Owch!" Eddy: "You look a little sunburnt, Double D." Edd: [through gritted teeth] "Don't toy with me, Eddy, I'll be shedding for weeks!" Eddy: "Welcome to the great outdoors, Nature Boy. What a whiner." [He realizes he's burned on his left side.] Ed: "I am a lizard." [He is also half burnt.] "I have changed colors! I have become Chameleon Man! Oink!" Edd: "Stay back!" [Ed prods his sensitive skin.] "Ouch!" Ed: "Oink!" [He pokes Edd again.] Edd: "Yahouch! Eddy, make him stop!" Eddy: "Cut it out–" Ed: "Oink!" [He prods Eddy.] Eddy: "Ow!" Ed: "You can be my sidekick, Frogmouth Kid! And–and Double D is our butler, um...Double D!" [Eddy decides to slap Ed's burnt back.] Ed: "Oink!" [He pokes both of his friends.] Edd and Eddy: "Ow!" [They hit back.] Ed: "Oink!" [He pokes them again.] Edd and Eddy: "Ow!" [The hit is returned.] Ed: "Oink!" Edd and Eddy: "Ow!" Ed: "Oink oink! Oink oink!"