Key to My Ed/Script

''[Edd is in the dark. He picks up a beaker of florescent pink liquid and pours it out. Suddenly, the lights flip on.]'' Eddy: "What are ya, some kind of troll or something?" Edd: "EDDY, TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!" [protecting the liquid with his body] "This mixture is very sensitive." [The lights go out.] Edd: "Thank you Eddy. By multiplying the isolated bubble of carbon gas, I've invented a soda that will never lose its fizz." [Ed and Eddy perk up.] Ed: "Yummy!" Eddy: "Gimme a taste, will ya? I love pop!" Edd: "No wait Eddy!" Ed: "Like a sponge, thirsty I am!" [He grabs the bottle away.] Edd: [flipping on the light] "You don't understand! I haven't tested its stability! It remains unpredictable!" [While Edd talks, Ed guzzles the entire bottle.] Eddy: "That was predictable. Ed, you pig!" Edd: "Freeze, mister!" [whispering] "Don't make any sudden movements. Just the slightest twitch might set off the mixture's volitile nature." Eddy: [lifting Ed's shirt] "And we wouldn't want that to happen, now, would we?" [He takes a feather out and begins to tickle Ed.] Ed: [laughing and twitching] "Stop, Eddy." Edd: "Stop! Stop! No!" ''[Eddy continues the tickling. By now, Ed is moving around violently, in the thrall of the feather.]'' Edd: "Abstain! Desist! ENOUGH ALREADY!" Eddy: [stopping] "Don't have a bird, Double D." ''[Ed begins to shake. His belly rumbles with the tension. His eyes then turn into spigots and the soda shoots out of his nose. It propells him away.]'' Ed: [flying] "Gassy."

[Jonny and Plank are engaged in a staring contest.] Jonny: "You've gotta blink sometime, you rascal, you!" [Ed's nose soda falls down upon them, blanketing them completely.] Jonny: "Geshundheit!"

''[Ed flies through a yard. He hits a tree, a pole, and a house before plowing through a fence. Soda spills everywhere.]''

Eddy: [to the crashed Ed] "Hey Funnelface, Double D said 'don't move!'" Ed: "Did I go somewhere?" Eddy: "Nah. Just rest that empty little head, Ed." Edd: [holding up a key] "Look! I found a key! Keys have quite a history of unlocking the mysteries of time! Why, just think how tangled one's life becomes by losing something as primitive as a key. Pour soul." Eddy: "Lemme see that key, Double D." [He pulls it away.] Ed: "I bet that key unlocks big gates of molten lava, releasing the demons from a box of Oat Bran, on the shelf of a mutant truck stop!" Eddy: "Oh Ed?" Ed: "Yeah?" Eddy: "Go get the key!" [He pretends to fling it.] Ed: "Table for two!" [He runs after the key.] Eddy: "I bet this key could open King Tut's tomb! Or Al Capone's wallet. Or some exploited cartoon character's theme park! It's ours for the picking, boys." Edd: "Pardon my English, but, get real, Eddy! I suggest we return the key to its rightful owner." Eddy: "Of course you do! It's the key to the oyster, Double D. Let's find the pearl!" Edd: [to Ed, who caught him and kept him from falling] "Why thank you, Ed." Ed: "Does Al Capone's wallet have pictures, Eddy?" [He drops Edd.] Edd: "Lovable oaf."

[Jimmy is in the sandbox, playing alone.] Jimmy: "I hope this sand doesn't get in my loafers." [A hand pushes him forward, destroying his sand castle.] "Hey! Huh? Mister, I'm just a kid. I'm broke!" Eddy: [trying to use the key on Jimmy's retainer] "Hold still, squirt, I need to see something!" Jimmy: [his retainer buckling] "Ed! Dy!" [He whines and moans in agony.] Edd: "For Pete's sake, Eddy, Jimmy's retainer?" [The retainer is horribly mangled around Jimmy's face.] Jimmy: "Too tight! Too tight! Sarah?" [Hopelessly, he tugs at the mouthpiece and then goes off to find Sarah.] Eddy: "This key's useless." Ed: "Oh, I know! Let me try, Eddy!"

[Ed is trying to open Beatrice's udder with the key.] Ed: "Here we go!" [it doesn't work] "Picky." [He continues to try the udders.] Edd: [sarcastically] "I think Ed's on to something, don't you, Eddy?" [pleading] "Come on, Eddy, someone is really missing the key!" [Edd falls off of the cow onto Ed.] Ed: "Ow." [Ed laughs.]

[Eddy is trying to use the key to open a manhole.] Eddy: "It's a key! Supposed to open something." Edd: "That's right, Eddy. Something dear and personal, like a box of photographs. Or a diary, with pages of truth and duration. Or a simple locket of love. It's our responsibility to see that this key returns to its forsaken owner so I can–" [The key pops out and sticks in the gap between Edd's teeth.] Edd: "Mortifying? Yes. But I won't let myself fall prey to such shallow emotions." [Eddy slaps his forehead.]

Edd: [as Ed tries to open a fire hydrant] "Not now. There's a fellow human crying for help, trying to mend the unraveled ball of yarn handed to them." Ed: [confused by the hydrant's unwillingness to open] "Hmm." Edd: "Maybe that's the kind of world you wish to live in, Eddy, where the unyielding and indifferent supersede the malevolent. I say–" Eddy: "SHUT UP DOUBLE D!" [calming down slightly] "Ed, you understand anything Double D said?" Ed: "Pass the mustard." Edd: "There's no need to raise your voice, Eddy." Eddy: "You're right, Double D. I am sorry." Edd: "Apology accepted, Eddy." [turning around to talk to Ed] "Ed, Eddy's made a very important first step, and–" [Eddy kicks Edd in his tuchus, sending him flying through the air.] Edd: "EDDDD-DDDDYYYY!!!!" Eddy: "My foot apologizes too, Double D!" Rolf: [carrying a suitcase] "Careful, as the dogs have had their way with the water path." Eddy: "Did you see that case? I bet this key is for that case!"

Edd: [talking to Rolf, his hindquarters aching] "...so I feel mankind should reassess it's position on the Darwin graph before total social abandonment." [He straightens up.] Rolf: "You need to eat more fiber, head-in-sock Ed-boy." [He spots Eddy trying to open the case.] "You want to see, yes?" Eddy: "Um, yeah. Sure Rolf." Rolf: [opening the case] "It has been passed down many generations. Behold!" Ed: "It's a whatchamacallit." Rolf: [with an accordion] "Not even close, square-peg-in-round-hole Ed-boy!" [He begins to play a polka.] Ed: "A kazoo?" Rolf: "No. The accordion, yes?" Eddy: [plugging his ears] "I'm outta here!" Ed: "Polka time!" [He grabs Eddy and begins to dance while singing.] "You're too fat for me...I'm too fat for you..." [He spins Eddy into Edd's arms.] Edd: "What? No flowers?" Ed: "You're too fat for me..." [Eddy grabs Ed and pulls him off.] Rolf: "Everybody now!" [He looks around and sees the deserted cul-de-sac.] "Hmm? Ed...boys?"

''[Ed is standing on his head. His shirt falls up, and he pulls it back down. He laughs and has fun playing with his shirt.]'' Eddy: [pacing] "This key's gotta open something!" Edd: "Eddy, let's return the key to whomever lost it! Then, we'll know what it opens!" Eddy: "What, and ruin all this frustration?" Edd: "Think of it, Eddy. There may be a reward? Huh? Huh?" Eddy: "Like cash?" Edd: "Booty, Eddy." Ed: "I wish I had a turtle shell." Eddy: "Follow my lead." [He mutters a plan to Edd.]

Jimmy: [pretending to take pictures of Sarah] "The fall collection screams 'Now We Bright!' from House of Sarah's Design." Sarah: [posing] "Yes, well, I'm tired of this, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Don't stop now–you're famous!" Sarah: "I am?" ''[A paper airplane flies by, straight into the camera. It hits Jimmy in the eye.]'' Jimmy: "My eye!" Sarah: "Who's the wiseguy?" [She pulls the airplane out and unfolds it.] "It's a note."

''[A water balloon plops through Nazz's window, a note on it. Nazz goes over to examine it, and the balloon explodes in her face. Nazz pulls the wet paper away and reads it.]'' Nazz: "We have what you lost."

Kevin: "If you want it back, be in the lane at three o'clock." [His note was delivered by way of a giant boulder which was dropped on his bike.]

Rolf: [reading the note, which is in a pig's mouth] "And bring a bag of jawbreakers." [dropping the pig] "Swindlers!"

[The Eds are running to the lane.] Edd: "Holding the key for ransom isn't what I had in mind, Eddy!" Eddy: "Got that right. It's better!" [Eddy trips over a sleeping Jonny, who is curled up on the sidewalk.] Eddy: "What's with Jonny?" Edd: "Must be three o'clock. Jonny always naps at three o'clock." Ed: "Isn't Jonny scared the VULTURES WILL GET HIM?" Eddy: "The guys a hazard. C'mon, we're wasting time." ''[He and Edd continue onwards. Ed stays behind, worried about Jonny.]'' Eddy: "Ed!"

''[Eddy peeks into the lane. Kevin has a bag of jawbreakers with him and is idly kicking a rock.]'' Ed: [to Edd, carrying Jonny] "Aw, he's drooling." Eddy: "Ha! It's Kevin! This must be the key to his bike lock." Rolf: [from the lane] "So, it is you!" Kevin: "Rolf!" Rolf: "You have broken the trust of a son of a shepherd!" Kevin: "Me? You blew it, man!" Rolf: [grabbing Kevin by the shirt] "Confess to your crimes, stale end-piece of white bread! Return my eggplant cup!" Kevin: "Look who's talking!" [They begin to fight with each other.] Eddy: "It's an international incident." Kevin: [twisting Rolf's body into a knot] "Cough up my headphones." Sarah: [with Jimmy, both have bags of jawbreakers] "Hey! Who's the one who took Jimmy's shampoo!" Nazz: [still wet, carrying nothing but the note] "Who's bright idea was this?" [Jimmy sniffs her hair.] Nazz: "What are you doing?" [She pushes Jimmy away.] Jimmy: "Your hair smells suspiciously Perbouse fresh." [narrowing his eyes] "Use it or lose it, missy." [Jimmy attacks Nazz.] Sarah: "Holy mackerel!" [She helps Jimmy.] ''[By now the lane has collapsed into chaos. Eddy looks on, befuddled.]'' Eddy: "What the heck are they doing?" [to the kids] "Hey hey hey!" [The kids look up.] "I'm the one with the key!" Kevin: "Who cares about the stupid key?" Rolf: "Poacher!" [He grabs Kevin, and the battle begins anew.] Edd: "Well Eddy, it seems your key did open one thing: the paranoia and hostility festering beneath the surface of our formerly calm cul-de-sac." Eddy: [annoyed] "Do you ever turn off?" Edd: "It's a curse, I'm afraid." The Kankers: [appearing out of nowhere] "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Eddy: "Kankers." Lee: "A neighborhood rumble and we weren't invited!" [The kids scatter, knowing how dangerous the Kankers are.] Lee: [tapping Eddy on the chest] "Hi Eddy, wanna fight?" [Eddy hides the key behind his back and giggles nervously.] "Hey! Whatcha got back there?" Eddy: [backing up] "I have no idea what you're talking about." [He stuffs the key in Ed's mouth.] "Nothing, see?" Marie: "Give him the lip-lock, Lee." Eddy: "Take your best shot." ''[The Eds run away. Ed, hindered by his load, is the slowest, and May tackles him. Jonny flies through the air.]'' Ed: "Eddy!" [The still snoozing Jonny lands in Eddy's arms.] Eddy: "Does this guy sleep through the whole show?" Edd: "Look what they're doing to poor defenseless Ed!" Eddy: "I knew him well." ''[May and Marie are taking turns jumping on Ed's back. With each landing, Ed retches.]'' Lee: "Cough it up, Ed." [A sink flies out of his mouth.] "This boy's got a big appetite." [Lee lifts the sink, and the key falls out of the broken pipe.] Marie: "It's a key, Lee!" Eddy: "My key!" [Jonny yawns.] "Hey Kankers! Trade ya!" [Eddy flings Jonny at the Kankers.] May: "Heads up!" ''[Jonny hits Lee. The key flies out of Lee's hand and lands on the ground, where Eddy picks it up.]'' Eddy: [running away] "I have the key!" Lee: "Get this thing off me!" May: [disgusted] "Look at the size of his head!" Lee: "Move it Marie!" Marie: "Yeah yeah, quit flappin your yap." [She pulls Jonny off Lee.] "Yuck! Gross!" Lee: "Is it real?"

''[The Eds run down the lane. Eddy squeezes under a fence. Ed lifts the same fence to let Edd through.]'' Edd: "Thank you Ed!" ''[Ed drops the fence. He doesn't have the presence of mind to lift it again and go under, so he climbs over.]'' Ed: "Not good not good!" [Lee kicks a board out, and she and her sisters squeeze through the resulting gap.] Eddy: "Open the door, Double D!" Lee: [as she and her sisters approach] "This is my favorite part." [They laugh evilly.] Edd: "It's locked!" Eddy: "C'mon, willya?" Edd: "It's locked, I tell you!" Eddy: "Out of my way, you're doing it wrong!" [He strains against the locked door.] Edd: "Ed, your door's locked! Get the door, Ed!" Ed: "No problem, I have a key." [He reaches into his pocket and his hand comes out his pant leg.] "I think it fell out of this hole in my pants." [Eddy stares at the key the Ed's have been using the whole episode, dumbfounded.] Eddy: [desperately trying to put the key in the keyhole] "Ed! You idiot! This is your key!" Lee: [in Eddy's face, leering] "And we got plans for you!" [The Kanker Sisters laugh evilly.]

''[The Eds are barefoot in Ed's basement. Their feet have been placed in stocks. A Kanker closes the stocks and padlocks them. All the while, the girls giggle.]'' May: "You're such a slug, Marie." [The Kanker sisters have taken off their shoes and socks as well.] Lee: "You boys are in for the ride of your lives." Ed: [staring at Marie's foot] "A naked foot." Eddy: "I'm too young! And handsome!" Lee: "Ready, girls?" Edd: [frightened] "You wouldn't dare. Don't even think about–no! Have mercy!" [Marie presses her feet to his.] Edd and Eddy: "FOOTSIES! AAAAAHHHH!!!" Ed: "Clammy."