Stiff Upper Ed/Script

''[Rolf and Jonny are looking at something. Eddy, dressed as Nazz, runs up.]'' Eddy (as Nazz): "That's so totally radicule!" [Nazz leaves, and Eddy reappears as Kevin.] Eddy (as Kevin): "Looks like a hoot, and only a quarter to boot." [Eddy leaves, and pops up between Jonny and Rolf as Sarah.] Eddy (as Sarah): "I wanna try I wanna try! How about you, Jimmy?" ''[Eddy bends over. He has painted Jimmy's face on the seat of his pants.]'' "I'm so cheeky. I'd pay a quarter." ''[Jonny and Rolf look at the fake Jimmy, confused. Eddy disappears and reappears in front of them as himself.]'' Eddy: "Better move fast, because no one, and I mean no one, can resist popping Triple-E Bubble Wrap! Isn't that so, Double D?" Edd: "Our high in quality recycled bubble wrap can provide infinite moments of amusement! Shall I demonstrate?" ''[Edd grabs a bubble and strains to pop it. He gets it almost to the bursting point before he gives up.]'' Edd: "Well for goodness sakes!" ''[Ed chomps down on a stack of bubble wrap he's crammed in his mouth. Edd, startled, leaps on one of the stacks of bubble wrap, popping it. The stack rebounds him onto another, which in turn shoots him onto the third. When he lands on something other than bubble wrap, all of the wrap has been popped.]'' Eddy: "So who's first?" Rolf: "Rolf? Okay." [He takes off his shoe and pours two coins out.] "Let Rolf have a go." Jonny: "Plank wants to try too, Eddy!" [Jonny and Rolf hold out money.] Eddy: "Ed. Bubble wrap. Now." Ed: [grabbing Eddy] "A moment of your time, mon-sewer." Eddy: [annoyed] "What's your problem?" Ed: "Sssh." [He moves to whisper in Eddy's ear.] "NO MORE BUBBLE WRAP, EDDY! DOUBLE D POPPED ALL OF IT!" Edd: [sitting up] "Oh, sure! Evil Double D popped all of your silly bubble wrap with his rancorous rump!" Eddy: [to his customers] "Uh, bit of a restocking problem, folks. I'll just check with our supplier!" [He grabs Ed and carries him to the side of the house.] Ed: "But I can't dance, Eddy!" Eddy: "Get the rest of that bubble wrap out of your shed, Lumpy! Quick!" [He heaves Ed over the fence.] Ed: "Ow." Sarah: "Get out of here, Ed!" Ed: [while being pounded] "Aah! Eee! Wait, guys! I just–" [Ed comes flying out, landing on Eddy's face.] Ed: "Sarah's got the backyard, Eddy." Eddy: [throwing Ed off] "Who does she think she is?" Edd: [cautioning Eddy] "Before you proceed to open the proverbial Pandora's box, Ed's ejection should have been a clear indication as to our fate." Eddy: "Look out. I'll get the stupid bubble wrap." ''[Eddy worms his way over the fence and into the backyard. Shortly thereafter, the sounds of a beatdown are heard.]'' Sarah: [dressed oddly] "Read the sign, worthless." ''[She points to a sign with some tongs. The sign reads "$arah and Jimmy$ Rich Club. Member$ Only."]'' "See? Sarah and Jimmy's Rich Club." Jimmy: [also dressed oddly] "Commoners can be so droll. Don't you agree, Countess Sarah?" Sarah: "Pay no heed to the trash, Master Jimmy." [They chortle.] "Ta ta." [Sarah and Jimmy go back to their club, leaving the Eds alone.] Edd: "My, how flamboyant! Seems Sarah and Jimmy are roleplaying using their imaginations. Why, their untutored rendition of an opulent lifestyle is absolutely charming!" Eddy: "TRASH?!? Where's those dweebs get off having a rich club? I'M THE HEAD HONCHO OF RICH AROUND HERE!" [An idea strikes Eddy.] Eddy: "If they want rich, we'll give them rich!" [He snaps his fingers.] Ed: "Oh, boy!" [He picks up Eddy.] "No one knows nothing like Eddy." Eddy: "I'm so rich, they call me Eddy McRich!" Edd: "Unpremeditated creativity. What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon!"

''[Jimmy takes a drink from a tray. A teddy bear dressed like a butler is propped up so that it looks like he's serving Jimmy and Sarah.]'' Jimmy: "Thank you, Klaus. That'll be all. You vex me. That is, unless Sarah requires a top-up." Sarah: [taking a sip from her drink] "No more for me, thank you. I'll just buy the company, as I'm quite rich." Jimmy: [chortling] "Oh, you're simply too sublime!" Ed: "Alley-oop!" ''[A red carpet is thrown over the fence. It unrolls across the yard, over Jimmy, and all the way to Sarah.]'' Ed: "Just back from his safari, the richiest rich guy to rich around the rich, Eddy McRich!" [Eddy appears.] Eddy: [to Edd, on whose shoulders he stands] "Hold still, ya–" [He leaps onto the carpeted fence.] "I understand you have a rich club. Has anyone got change for a million buck bill?" [He pulls out an oversized, fake 1,000,000 dollar bill.] Jimmy: "Did you just hear something, Countess?" [They have moved to a tennis court.] Sarah: "Not a peep, master Jimmy." Jimmy: "Silly me, it must have been your jewelry rattling." [They laugh, and Eddy falls off the fence.] Sarah: "When will they learn?" [Sarah and Jimmy move on to their yacht club, which is really a pair of toy boats floating in a kiddie pool.] Jimmy: "Ignore the riff-raff, Countess. Our yacht's about to cross the finish line!" Ed: "One yacht, hold the onions!" [Eddy comes by on a huge boat.] Eddy: "Has our ship come in or what?Tell the chef to cook up some more of that cav-i-are. I'm parched." [to Edd] "Say steward, how's my first place yacht-racing trophy coming along?" Edd: "It looks polished and very expensive, Admiral McRich. Eddy: "Hey Sir Lumpy. Sound the horn." Ed: [saluting] "Aye aye, Admiral McRich." [His salute cuts through a beam, and the boat starts to sink.] Eddy: "We're sinking!" Edd: "Lifeboats! We forgot to leave lifeboats!" Ed: "Wasn't me, Eddy!" ''[The boat disappears from view." Jimmy: [to Sarah] "Care to nosh on some truffles veiled in imported white chocolate?" Sarah: "That's richer than I am!" [They laugh happily.]

[Ed and Eddy lean against the fence while Edd thinks.] Edd: "By George, I think that's it! I know how we can become members! We'll dress up as grandparents." [Eddy's face falls.] "Grandparents are rich in experience and have a wealth of wisdom." Ed: "Oh, oh! Let me, Eddy!" [turning to Edd] "That is stupid, Double D." [Sarah throws the door open into Eddy.] Sarah: "So glad you could come." Nazz: [entering the club] "Wouldn't have missed it for the world, dahlings." Jimmy: "Charming as ever, Lady Nazz." Nazz: "I'm sure." [Rolf arrives, dressed in meats.] Rolf: "Announce Rolf, little one, as the Duke of Deli Meats has arrived!" Sarah: "I think they can already smell you, Rolf." [Jonny comes in, singing a tune.] Jimmy: "Pardon me, Jonny, but there is a colander on your head." Jonny: "Yep! Just like rich people!" Jimmy: "He's so eccentric." [Jimmy closes the door.] Ed: "Is Jonny dressed chic or what?" [He peels Eddy from the fence.] Edd: "Well, it seems Sarah and Jimmy's rich club isn't as exclusive as we thought." Eddy: "We're joining that club."

[The Rich Club is playing polo.] Nazz: "Over to you, master Jimmy." Jimmy: "Countess Sarah?" [Sarah hits the ball squarely into the pot Plank's wearing on his head.] Jonny: "This rich stuff's sure hard on a guy's fancy duds, huh Plank? Good thing we don't care, 'cause we're rich!" ''[Everybody laughs until the fence door is thrown open. Eddy is in a chariot, a rich man of Roman times.]'' Eddy: "The name's McRich! How do you do? We're all well to do!" ''[The kids say nothing, stunned by the Eds audacity. Jimmy approaches.]'' Jimmy: "Ahem. Might I see invitations, thank you?" Edd: "Invitations?" Eddy: "Invitations?" Ed: "Does a belly button count?" Eddy: "They don't have invitations!" [Kevin walks in.] Kevin: "Move it or lose it, dork." Jimmy: "Greetings, Sir Kevin!" Eddy: "And he's not even dressed rich!" Kevin: "Like I'd ever–" Sarah: "Take a hike you freeloaders!" Eddy: "We're staying right here!" Ed: "No shirt, no shoes, no service!" Sarah: "Oh no you're not!" [She tramps towards them.] Edd: [scared] "Eddy, maybe it's best we admit to defeat and retreat to our catchpenny status in life!" [Jimmy steps into Sarah's path.] Jimmy: "Countess Sarah, wait!" ''[He and Sarah confer. The wind blows up Edd's toga.]'' Edd: "My, what a rather unfriendly breeze we have here." Sarah: "Capital idea, master Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Gentlemen, we've discussed your credentials and agreed." Sarah: You three will make fine new members to our club." [The kids are surprised, Eddy is happy, and Edd is suspicious.]

Eddy: "Sure was nice of them to throw in these clothes, huh boys? Yep, this monkey suit screams Head Honcho of Rich." [The Eds are now dressed like butlers.] Edd: "And me, I've gone and left my hurdy-gurdy at home. Don't forget your hat, Mr. Honcho." [Somebody tugs on a rope tied to Eddy's leg.] Edd: "You forgot your hat." [Someone tugs a rope tied to Edd's waist.] Ed: "They're off!"

[Eddy lands in front of Sarah.] Sarah: "Mr. McRich. Glad you could drop by." Eddy: "Fancy paging system you've got there." Sarah: "Master Jimmy and I have a task for someone of your upbringing." Jimmy: "Yes, Mr. McRich. I've become bored with this spot, and urgently need you to carry me to that spot." [He points to the pond at the other end of the garden.] Eddy: "Why, certamondo. After all, we rich folks should stick together." [Sarah and Jimmy giggle.]

[Edd is holding an umbrella to shade Nazz when Rolf calls for his attention.] Rolf: "Miserable subordinate! Rolf's belly aches for sustenance!" Edd: "One moment, please." [to Nazz] "Seems I'm being summoned, Lady Nazz." Nazz: "Don't sweat it, I'll hold it until you get back." [after Edd walks off, to Kevin] "Aren't they cute, Kevin?" Kevin: "Hold that thought." [He walks away.]

Eddy: [by the pool] "For a little tyke, you're kind of hefty. Here we are! And a grand spot it is." Jimmy: "I'm pleasantly charmed. But I require companionship. Fetch me Sarah!" Eddy: "Two's company, but three's high society. Gotcha." ''[Eddy walks off to get Sarah. Edd, meanwhile, stands waiting with a plate of appetizers.]'' Edd: "A fine array of canapes to soothe your, ahem, belly?" Rolf: [inspecting one] "What is this?" [mocking] "A teensy-weensy pitiful excuse at food for a dribbling baby?" Edd: [taken aback] "They seemed appropriate." Rolf: "YOU INSULT ROLF!" ''[He grabs the platter and throws it away. He then bumps Edd away using his stomach.]'' "Next time get something more suited to Rolf's almighty stature!" ''[The toothpick foods have all landed in Jonny's helmet. Jonny plucks one out and eats it.]'' Jonny: "I need something to wash it down with, Double D." ''[Edd walks away to get the requested drink. Kevin, meanwhile, summons Ed.]'' Kevin: "Yo, von Stupidstine. See my shoe?" Ed: "Nice!" Kevin: "Tie it." Ed: "Can do!" [He ties it.] "All done, did I do." [He lifts his hand, revealing that he tied the shoe to his fingers.]

''[Eddy comes up to Jimmy, straining under the weight of a laundry basket. Inside sits Sarah.]'' Sarah: "Master Jimmy, this is persnickety-boo." Jimmy: "Isn't it splendiferous? Mr. McRich, we must share this with the others." [He climbs into the laundry bin.] Eddy: "Others? Sure, okay. Let's see what our fellow socialites are up to." [He totters away.]

[Ed is still trying to tie Kevin's shoe.] Ed: "I think I'm stuck!" Kevin: "What was your first clue?" [Edd walks by, shakily carrying a platter on which a pyramid of drinks is stacked.] Edd: [unsteady] "Oh my! Oh dear! Oh NO!" ''[The platter flies out of his hands, and the drinks go past Rolf and smash on the ground. Edd gets up and is promptly whacked with a chicken leg by Rolf.]'' Rolf: "Clumsy oaf! Where are the Duke of Deli Meat's hearty edibles?" Jimmy: "Rolf! Join us, won't you? Travel to the most exquisite spot that money can buy!" ''[Jonny has joined Sarah and Jimmy in the basket, and as we watch, he helps Nazz in. Eddy collapses.]'' Rolf: "Is that so? Save a window seat for the Duke, yes?" [Rolf crams himself in, crushing Eddy and the basket into the ground.] Sarah: "Well, Mr. McRich, we're waiting." Eddy: [unable to budge the load] "I just figured something out, Double D! Being rich ain't that different from being a two-bit servant! Ain't life grand?"