Rent-a-Ed/Script

''[A sign reading "Cirkus Eds" is hung on the swingset. Eddy pops up in front of it.]'' Eddy: "Ladies and germs!" [The kids are sitting in some makeshift bleachers.] "The moment you've all been waiting for, the Circus Eds is proud to present, all the way from Reno, the one, the only, the Flying Eduardo Brothers!" [Jonny claps as Nazz yawns.] Ed: "You've got them in the palm of your hand, Eddy!" Eddy: "Follow my lead, boys." [He leaps down.] "Hup hup!" [He stands on his head.] "Hip!" [Eddy returns to earth.] "Ho ho!" Ed: "Zippety do-dah!" [He spins.] Edd: "Um...knit one, perl two?" [He does jumping jacks without jumping.] Rolf: "Why is Double-D Ed-boy calling the Chestnut Elves?" Sarah: "This stuff stinks!" Kevin: "Snoresville!" Ed: "Um, okay. One sec, little sister." ''[Ed throws his friends in the air. He catches them on his feet and proceeds to juggle them using just his feet.]'' "I saw this on TV." [The kids cheer, and Edd and Eddy land on one end of the teeter-totter.] Edd: "My, how athletic!" Ed: "Hi dee ho!" [Ed is perched at the top of a very tall slide.] Eddy: "Thattaboy, Ed!" Kevin: "The dork is toast!" Ed: "Toast?" Eddy: "Hup hup." Edd: "No no!" Ed: "Hup hup!" [He leaps off the slide and plunges towards the ground.] Jonny: "Nice form, huh Plank?" Jimmy: "Jeepers." Nazz: "He's dropping like a rock!" ''[Ed hits the teeter-totter and plows straight through it, carving a hole in the playground. He pops his head out.]'' Ed: "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da." Edd: "Twinge, hurt, bruise, sting!" Rolf: "The Ed-boys have boiled an egg, yes?" Kevin: "Laid, Rolf. Laid an egg?" [He laughs.] Eddy: "Give it up for–" [A half-eaten hot dog hits him in the face, and the kids exit the bleachers.] Kevin: "Wicked toss, Rolf." Jimmy: "They broke the teeter-totter, Sarah." Eddy: "Hey, wait! We still gotta shoot Ed out of a cannon!" Ed: [scanning the skies] "Guys?" Edd: "Fortunate for us they didn't ask for a refund, Eddy." Eddy: "Like they'll get it." Edd: "We'll need it to pay a repairman to fix this teeter-totter." Eddy: "Double D! You're a genius. Everything breaks sooner or later. And we can fix it! For a token fee of course." Ed: [still believing the stunt worked] "Guys?" Edd: "I'm tired, Eddy. Couldn't we just–" Eddy: "Nope." [He carries Edd away.] Ed: "Eddy? Double D? Stop fooling around and fall down, guys!"

[Jimmy looks into an oven where some sailor-shaped cookies are baking.] Jimmy: "Yummy, my sailor cookies are baked and ready for dunking." [He tries to pull the oven door open.] "What's this?" [Jimmy heaves at the door.] "It's stuck!" [Smoke comes from inside the oven.] "My cookies! S.O.S.! Mayday! Man the lighthouse!" Eddy: [kicking Jimmy's door open] "No joke when it's broke, don't be blue, let Ed's Quick Repair Service fix it and you won't sue!" Edd: "You should have hired someone to fix that rhyme, Eddy. Sheesh." Ed: "I smell cookies! Yum yum yum yum yum!" Jimmy: "Go away! I'll fix it myself!" Eddy: "Seems like we have a do-it-yourselfer here. Fine. Seeya." Edd: "But Eddy, the oven!" Eddy: "Time's money, Double D. Eenh, Jimmy'll fix it himself." [He walks out.] ''[Jimmy stares into the oven. The cookies are burning.]'' Jimmy: "My cookies are burning!" Eddy: [on the other side of the door] "For a nominal fee..." Jimmy: "Anything, just name it!" Eddy: "You'll have to wait downstairs. Insurance stuff, you know." [He pushes Jimmy out and looks at the oven.] "Yep. It's broken alright." Edd: "Very good, Eddy. Now that you've unraveled the riddle, how do you plan to–" [A hollow bang comes.] "Eddy, no! Ed, stop!" [Eddy and Ed are bashing the oven with various pieces of furniture.] Jimmy: [hearing the noise] "Neighbors scare me." Edd: "HOLD IT! Can I interject? Call me crazy, but if we start by turning off the–" Ed: "Let me, Double D!" [He rips the control for the oven off the panel.] "It is off. Good, huh?" Edd: [frantic] "Is it me? It's him, right?" Eddy: [as more smoke comes out] "Boy, those cookies are getting crispy." Ed: "Wait! My brain is working." [He throws the oven against the wall.] "Yep." ''[The oven door pops open and Jimmy's cookies fall out. By now, they are so hot that as soon as they hit the floor they burn through, leaving sailor shaped holes.]'' Eddy: "Nice going, Ed." Jimmy: [seeing the rain] "My cookies!" [looking up] "My ceiling!" Ed: "Tally-ho!"

[The Eds leave by a back route.] Jimmy: "My oven!" Eddy: [bawling Ed out] "Ed, quit it, willya? We need to fix things, not break 'em!" Ed: "Fix it. Got it." Jonny: [offscreen] "Aah! Eee! Oooh! Aaah!" [He falls out of the tree by which the Eds have congregate, and his head gets wedged between two branches.] "I did it again, huh, Plank?" Eddy: "Climbing trees again, Jonny boy?" Jonny: "Give me a hand, guys, I'm stuck!" Eddy: "It's your lucky day, Jonny. For a nominal fee, we can repair that head of yours!" Jonny: "Repair? I need rescuing!" Eddy: "Repair, rescue, same price, Jonny." Ed: "Read 'em and weep, Eddy!" [He pulls on Jonny's legs.] Jonny: "Wait! It's too tight, Ed!" Eddy: [spotting a bill in Jonny's pocket] "A tip? Why thank you." [Jonny snaps back up, slamming Eddy to the ground.] Edd: "Eddy, with proper lubrication, Jonny's head would soon slip out." Jonny: "I've got some dish soap in the kitchen." Eddy: "Glad I thought of it! We'll soap up his melon, and collect our fee!" Jonny: "Not so fast! Plank's going too. Keep your eyes on 'em, buddy." [Edd takes the proffered wood.]

Edd: "How anyone could find detergent in this mess is beyond me!" [He spots it.] "There you are!" Ed: [searching under the sink] "There you are!" [He pulls the plumbing from the walls.] "Weird bottle, huh?" Eddy: "What, again? Ed, you're a–" Jonny: "Is everything okay in there, Plank?" Eddy: "Everything's fine. Ed found a leak in your pipe–uh–your faucet. For an extra quarter, we can tweak it." Jonny: "Well, I guess so." Plank: Jonny: "What's that, Plank?" Plank: Jonny: "They did what?" Plank: Jonny: "Where?" [Eddy clamps his hand over Plank's mouth.] "Get me down from here! Help! Someone!" [Eddy backs into the house.] Edd: [very worried] "Sick, I think I'm gonna be sick. We don't have the proper tools to fix this!" Eddy: [barely keeping calm] "It's under control, relax. We've got the ultimate tool."

[A montage follows where the Eds use Ed in various ways to fix Jonny's plumbing.]

Eddy: [by a poorly fashioned sink] "We were born to do this, Double D." Edd: "This is a natural talent? It's not fixed! Look at it!" ''[The sound of an engine firing up is heard, and Edd and Eddy gasp. Ed has collected the spare plumbing.]'' Ed: "Can I build a birdhouse with this stuff?" Edd: "Ed? Where did you eviscerate that heat radiator from?" Ed: "There." [He points at a pipe which is spewing steam.] Edd: "Oh dear! Quick, do something, shut it off!" Ed: "Boy, it is hot in here. Are you hot, Eddy? Sweat is trickling down my neck." Edd: "I'm melting. It's becoming a sauna in here." Eddy: "A sauna! That's it! A spa! Why fix things when we can fix people? Sauna, sweat, and makeovers! Cashola in the bank-ola!"

[A wooden sign is hung over Jonny's face.] Sarah: "Cheaz La Sweet? What's that?" Jimmy: "That's 'Shae La Sweat,' Sarah. Sweat's good for your skin! C'mon, let's cleanse our pores!" Sarah: [following Jimmy in] "Sweat stinks." Jonny: "Hello? Who's there?" ''[Jimmy walks up to the door. Before he can open it, Eddy throws it open.]'' Eddy: "Mon grate, welcome to Cheaz La Sweat!" Jimmy: "Eddy!" Eddy: "Comon vu, au grauton? Look, see, la facial! And the grand piece of resistance, la sauna!" Jimmy: "My dream come true!" Eddy: "Cough up la fifty cents, wee wee?" Jimmy: "Yes yes!" Sarah: [grabbing the money] "Not so fast! You guys wrecked Jimmy's room and we're not paying one red cent!" [She grabs Eddy and shakes him.] "GOT IT, MISTER?" Eddy: [dazed] "Voolah voolah towel over yonder." Sarah: "Thank you." Edd: "Freshly laundered towels, only twenty-five cents!" [Sarah and Jimmy each go by but leave no money.] "Um, each?" Sarah: "This better be good." Jimmy: "Fancy." Ed: "Come again!" [He is tied to a support beam and acting as a towel rod.] Eddy: "Any damage? What'd ya break, Ed?" Ed: "I've been a good towel rack, Eddy." Eddy: "I know you have, Lumpy. Let's just make sure you stay good." [He tightens the knots binding Ed in place.] Edd: "Okay then. You've ordered our Stately package. The opulent hair treatment for Jimmy, and the exfoliating facial for Sarah." [He puts an applicator in a jar of peanut butter.] Sarah: "What's that stuff?" Edd: "A secret blend of organic minerals to help that haggard skin." [Eddy grabs the jar and pours the whole spread onto Sarah's face.] Edd: "Seems efficient." Sarah: "Hey, my skin feels tingly-tingle!" Jimmy: "I told you, Sarah!" [A glob of peanut butter lands on his curls.] "Be gentle." Eddy: [working the spread in] "One baguette, hold the mayo!" [He shapes Jimmy's curl into a horn.] Jimmy: "It's so brave! I love it!" Eddy: "Next, La Sauna! Double D?" Edd: [escorting them in] "Mind your heads, please. La Sauna cleans and purifies the skin." [He pulls back a shower curtain and shows them into another area.] "You have company." [Inside are Kevin, Rolf, and Nazz.] Rolf: "Close the curtain, as it is colder than Nana's wooden leg!" Edd: "Sorry, Rolf. Room for two?" [Sarah and Jimmy enter.] Sarah: "Jimmy?" Edd: "Relax and enjoy." [He exits.] Rolf: "This hot steam makes Rolf's flesh shed tears of impurity. Aah." Sarah: "Yuck!" Nazz: "My pores are screaming." [Rolf turns the steam up and stands in front of it.] Rolf: "Ooh! Aah! Fresh! Ha ha!" [Rolf's towel falls off.]

[Edd is pacing outside the sauna.] Jimmy: "How embarrassing!" Nazz: [leaping out] "Rolf, you're so gross!" Jimmy: "Run away!" Kevin: "You're on your own, dude!" Eddy: [confused] "Can somebody tell me what's going on?" Rolf: [opening the sauna curtains] "I must protest the rudeness of your guests!" Edd: "What just happened?" [He sees the naked Rolf.] "Make yourself decent, Rolf!" Eddy: "You're scaring the customers away, Rolf!" [Ed bursts through the wall, the beam still tied to him.] Ed: "Towel rack at your service!" Eddy: "Now look what you did!" Edd: "I can't bear to look. Has Rolf–IS THAT THE SUPPORT BEAM TO THE HOUSE?" Ed: "What's a support beam?" [The house begins to shake.] Edd: "This has been quite a day." [The house develops cracks all over its structure and collapses in upon itself.]

''[The house is a smoldering pile of rubble. A shirtless Kevin heaves himself out of some of the wreckage and looks around. His eyes finally land on the Eds.]'' Kevin: "Oh, man...you guys are in so much trouble." Eddy: "Tell me about it, I lost my money." Edd: "How can you even think about money at a time like–" Eddy: "Oop! Found it!" [He picks up his money can.] "Did you miss me?" Kevin: [gleefully] "Jonny's gonna–" [Jonny kicks the door down on top of him.] Jonny: "Homewreckers! Look how unhappy Plank is!" ''[He holds up the spa sign. One of the four wooden pieces used to construct it is Plank.]'' Jimmy: [woozy] "Rubber baby buggy bumpers." Ed: "He's reaching for Jimmy!" [Jonny has indeed picked Jimmy up.] Eddy: "Relax, Jonny, we're repairmen. We'll fix it." Jimmy: "I'm scared of heights!" ''[Without further ado, Jonny swings the horn-haired Jimmy. Jimmy's horn slices through Ed's bonds, and Ed joins his friends in their attempt to escape.]'' Ed: "Run!" ''[Jimmy is thrown at Eddy, and Jimmy hits the ground in front of him and sticks. Eddy slowly backs up.]'' Jimmy: "I think I'm gonna be sick." Ed: "We are surrounded!" [The kids have circled them.] Edd: "Let's just do the right thing, Eddy, and work for the rest of our lives to buy Jonny a new home." Eddy: "Yeah right. They'll never catch the Flying Eduardo Brothers!" [He rips off his shirt to reveal his original costume.] Edd: "You're still wearing that thing?" Eddy: "Hup hup!" Ed: "Ho ho, hip!" Rolf: "Not again! Those good-for-nothings are good-for-nothings!" Edd: "Careful, Ed!" [Ed uses his leg muscles to launch his friends into the stratosphere.] Ed: [backing up to catch them] "Hip hip, um, arf arf!" [He stands on a fire hydrant.] ''[Edd and Eddy come down on Ed with such force that Ed is plunged into the pavement. The ground under them begins to bulge. Suddenly, the hydrant erupts, propelling them into the air.]'' Kevin: "Hey, the Ed-weirdo brothers ain't too bad." Eddy: [on top of the spout] "Thank you! Thank you very much! You're beautiful!"