Hands Across Ed/Script

Jimmy: "Sarah!" [Jimmy is being dragged across the yard, as if something is tugging on his retainer.] Jimmy: "Aah!" [He hits a fence and is out like a light.] "What rotten luck." Rolf: [staring at the searching brace] "Please tell Rolf his eyes do not lie. Hello?" Kevin: "What?" [Slowly, a wrench forces itself out of his pocket and falls straight up.] "Hey!" [The wrench is followed, in short order, by a bike pump and a radio.] Rolf: "It is the curse of the sirens in the hungry tree!" [Actually, it is the curse of the greedy Eds in a tree with a giant magnet.] Eddy: "Where's the cash?" Edd: "Strange, my magnet seems to be adverse to certain metal alloys." Ed: "Let's get funky!" [He turns the radio on.] Eddy: "They'll hear us!" Edd: "Ed, please, not now!" [He and Eddy furiously try to find a way to turn the radio off.] Rolf: "The sirens call upon us!" [His gold horseshoe necklace levitates.] "We must do the belly bump, as it is the only way to soothe the tree!" [Suddenly, Kevin's radio falls on Kevin's head.] Rolf: "I am Rolf, son of a shepherd." Ed: [playing with a cassette] "I can tie my shoes, Eddy!" Eddy: "Looks like the knot in your head, Ed." ''[Ed sticks his shoe out to show Eddy and kicks his friend off the tree. The magnet descends, hitting Rolf. Rolf is then hit by Eddy, Ed, and finally Edd.]'' Rolf: [confused] "Ed-boys?" Kevin: "Let's pound 'em, Rolf!" Rolf: "Rolf is not amused, you...how you say...ducks?" Kevin: "Dorks!" Rolf: "That is what I said." Kevin: "Nah, you said–" Rolf: "Ducks! See, ducks!" Eddy: [nervous] "Uh, Rolf! Kevin! Hate to interrupt, so–" [He and his friends run away.] Kevin: "Get back here."

[The Eds run into the junkyard.] Eddy: "Quick! Scatter!" [The Eds split up.] Kevin: "Knuckle sandwich, eh Rolf?" Rolf: "No thank you, I am not hungry." Edd: [by a giant tire] "Oh dear. I deplore physical altercations. Hide, I must–" ''[Eddy's hands take him by the ankles. Eddy hauls Edd into the tire, where they hide.]'' Rolf: "I think I saw the ducks run here!" Kevin: [stopping by the tire] "Dorks Rolf, dorks." Rolf: "Dorks do not quack, Kevin." Kevin: "Whatever. Let's find them." [He and Rolf run off.] Eddy: [standing up] "Suckers. Hey Ed! Ed! C'mon out, it's all clear!" [Ed pops up from a pile of garbage wearing a ratty top hat.] Ed: "Hi Eddy!" Eddy: [snickering] "Nice hat, Ed." Ed: "I'm fancy! Look at me." [He takes out an umbrella.] "Okay. A-one, and a-two, and a–" ''[Ed dances around the umbrella, a stupid look on his face. Edd and Eddy laugh.]'' Eddy: "Touch your toe to your nose!" Ed: "Like this, Eddy?" [Ed takes off his shoe and presses his big toe to his nose.] Eddy: "That's it! Now hop forward! Keep going!" [Ed hops off the edge of the platform.] "You gotta love him." Edd: [applauding] "Ed could be on TV, don't you think Eddy?" Eddy: "It's all in the directing, Double D." Ed: "Eddy is Mister Showbiz!" Eddy: [angry] "I'll give you Mister–" [inspiration strikes] "–Showbiz! Big cash in showbiz." Edd: "There's no business like it." Eddy: "Lights. Camera. Bingo."

[The kids are playing in the lane.] Nazz: "Look, guys!" Jimmy: "Runaway rug!" Sarah: "Look out!" ''[A red carpet comes bounding down the lane, unfolding as it goes. When it's finished, Ed is shown filming Edd and Eddy.]'' Edd: "Here we are on location with Renaissance man Mr. Eddy. Mr. Eddy, how about a scoop?" Eddy: "Lemme tell ya, I'll be hosting and directing the cul-de-sac's first ever–" [Jonny shoves his head in front of the camera.] Eddy: "Uh. Hey Jonny. Use it or lose it." [He pushes Jonny out of the way.] "First-ever TV show! It'll have glitz, tinsel, and TV cameras!" Kevin: "Glitz?" Sarah: "Tinsel?" Jimmy: "TV cameras!" Ed: "Makeup." [He turns the camera to tape the kids.] Jimmy: "I'm on TV!" Sarah: "Hi Mom!" Jonny: "Smile, Plank!" Rolf: "Hello Victor!" Jimmy: "See me, television land?" Kevin: [camera pointed at his legs] "Hey, I'm up here, ya–" Nazz: "Hey, I'm Nazz." Eddy: "Cut. Save the film for the big stars, Ed." Edd: "Care to name-drop, Mr. Eddy?" Eddy: "Can't talk about it. Legal stuff. But I'll be holding auditions for local talent." Edd: "Now that's entertainment." Jonny: "Let's rehearse, Plank." Jimmy: "I'll be famous." [The kids, with the exception of Kevin, cheer and run off to practice.] Kevin: "Here's my audition." [He blows a raspberry.] "Losers!" [He leaves.] Eddy: "Prima donna. After our show, we'll be rolling in jawbreakers!" Ed: "Rolling, Mr. Eddy!" [He rolls up the carpet.]

Edd: [shining a spotlight on Jonny and Plank] "Auditioning: Jonny Two By Four and Plank." Eddy: "Anytime you're ready, kid." Jonny: "Plank tells jokes! Knock 'em dead, buddy." Plank: [Jonny laughs.] Plank: Jonny: "Oh that's a good one! You're killing me!" [Ed laughs with him.] Eddy: "Next!" [Jonny doesn't move.] "C'mon, we don't have all day." Nazz: "Hi guys. I'm here to audition!" ''[Nazz has with her a tuba. The Eds all start to sweat, amazed by her beauty. Nazz puts her mouth to the tuba and blows a horrendous note. The note sounds like ten cars all at once blew their horns at one another.]'' Edd: "Oh...bravo." Nazz: "That was fun!" Eddy: "Sign her up, Double D!" Edd: [whispering] "Sign her up? Nazz singlehandedly annihilated all that is music!" Eddy: [dreamily] "Yeah." Rolf: "Hello? I will be performing my countries traditional 'Dance of the Hairless Otter.'" Eddy: [before Rolf can start] "Next!" [whispering to Edd] "There's no budget for subtitles." Sarah: [obnoxiously] "Ready!" Eddy: "Who invited them? Okay, c'mon, c'mon, time is money." [Jimmy twangs his retainer while Sarah begins to dance.] Ed: "I've got gourd stuck in my teeth." Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy!" [She begins to twang a banjo and sing while she dances to Jimmy's beat.] Eddy: "Stop the music!" [He pulls Jimmy away.] "See the star on that door? That's for stars. And you're a star, baby. Lose the amateur, and you'll be a household product." [Jimmy looks back and forth from the door with a star to Sarah.] Jimmy: "I wanna be a star!" Sarah: "Hey!" Eddy: "AUDITIONS ARE CLOSED!"

[Sarah, Jonny, Plank, Rolf, and Kevin are sitting on a bench, waiting for the show to begin.] Kevin: "De-ja vu." [The curtains rise, and Eddy leaps onto a table placed onstage.] Eddy: "Hello, and welcome to the first ever Ed telethon! We've got loads of talent, and our operators are standing by to take your money!" [A spotlight shines on Edd, who is standing by a phone.] "I mean, pledges. Yes, it's all about raising money. For Ed's eyebrow operation." Kevin: "Aw, here we go." Eddy: [mournfully] "Find it in your hearts to give, so we can meet our goal." [The goal is $5.00.] Eddy: "Without your pledges, Ed's eyebrow could spread all over his body." [to Ed] "Body, stupid, body!" Ed: "Oh yeah." [He lifts his shirt to reveal a fake mustache has been placed on his belly.] Eddy: "Oh no! It's started." Rolf: "Did you see it move?" Jonny: [tearfully] "Who knew?" Eddy: "Okay, let's start the show." Kevin: "It's about time!" Eddy: "Please, give it up for that tuba diva, Nazz!" ''[The kids cheer, and Nazz bows. When she does this, the tuba moves to catch Eddy in its horn.]'' Nazz: "Thanks, guys!" [She straightens up, revealing that Eddy is stuck in the horn.] Kevin: "Go Nazz, go!" ''[Nazz blows a note more horrendous than the one she blew at the audition. Eddy comes unstuck and flies through the air, propelled by the force of the air escaping Nazz's body.]'' Ed: "Nazz is good." [Eddy lands.] Nazz: "You okay, Eddy? We should jam sometime!" [Eddy tries to speak, but his tongue becomes a knot.] Kevin: "Whassa matter, dork? Can't talk to girls?" [The kids laugh.] Eddy: "Let's go to the phones!" [Edd stands by the phone.] "Ed." [Ed hustles backstage.] Edd: "A phone call should come up anytime." Kevin: [heckling] "Like my lunch!" [A wave of laughter greets this remark.] Eddy: "And now, Mr. Magic himself, the great Jimbo!" [Jimmy does not appear onstage.] Sarah: "Yay!" Jonny: "Yay!" Kevin: "Snoresville." Rolf: "Amaze me." Edd: [beckoning to Jimmy] "Hurry Jimmy please!" Jimmy: [worried about his wardrobe] "My feather! It won't stay up! It's limp!" Eddy: [conferencing with Edd] "Where's Jimmy?" Edd: "A plume for the mint." The Kids: [cheering] "Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!" Eddy: "Get out there, stall them!" [He pushes Edd into the spotlight.] Kevin: "Hey, look! Jimmy turned himself into a dork!" Edd: [struck with stage fright] "Oh dear. There go the lights." Kevin: "This show heaves." [The phone rings.] Eddy: "A pledge!" [picking up the phone] "Ed telethon." Ed: [hunting in a fridge] "Eddy, do you keep donations in the fridge?" [Eddy hangs up angrily.] Sarah: "Yay, Jimmy!" [Jimmy has finally appeared onstage.] Jimmy: "For my first trick, I will make a flower magically bloom from a pot of soil. Say the magic words! Bubbly bubbly boo." [The flowers bloom from inside his shirt.] "Huh?" Eddy: "Oh, he's laying an egg!" Jimmy: "Could I get a volunteer, please?" [Jonny and Sarah both indicate they'd like to be picked.] Jimmy: "Okay, Sar–" Rolf: "Prove to Rolf your powers are true!" Kevin: "Thataboy, Rolf!" Jimmy: "I will now saw Rolf in–" [The box falls apart, much to his consternation and Kevin's enjoyment.] Kevin: "My gut's killing me!" Jimmy: "But I'm a star." ''[He runs offstage. On the way, he trips on the microphone wire and runs into the pledge board.]'' Sarah: [worried] "Jimmy?" Kevin: "C'mon, who's on deck?" [The phone rings.] Eddy: [picking it up] "Ed telethon." Ed: "Are donations bigger than a breadbox?" [Eddy slams the phone down.] Kevin: "This telethon stinks!" Rolf: "Ya, I smell it!" Eddy: "Yeah? Well you're a–" Kevin: [mocking Eddy] "Ooh, welcome to the Dork telethon. I'm your twerp host Eddy. Won't you please help my cooler hairy friend?" Rolf: "Ya, please help me, for my eyebrow is growing like a garden weed!" [The kids all laugh.] Rolf: "Let us do our own show!" Kevin: "Good idea, Rolf." Rolf: "Bye bye, Ed-boys!" Jonny: "Wait up, guys!" [The audience leaves.] Eddy: "They stole our audience, Double D." Edd: "The bigger you are, the harder you fall." Ed: [a colander on his head] "Is this a donation?" Eddy: "Ed's big." [He leaps on Ed.]

[Jonny, Nazz, Sarah, and a heavily bandaged Jimmy are laughing at the show being put on in front of them.] Rolf: [howling] "I'm the hairless otter, and I must eat chicken!" Kevin: [with a broom and a pillow in his shirt] "Hey, you bag of flesh!" [Rolf howls.] "Let's dance! Kerpow!" Rolf: [pretending to be wounded] "Oh! Oh, my otter heart! It has been stroked. Ah ha! You missed, repositant Kevin!" Kevin: "Stupid broom!" [Rolf clamps his jaw around Kevin.] "Ah! I'm otter feed!" ''[The kids cheer and then throw coins at the performers. Rolf and Kevin thank them. The Eds peer over a fence.]'' Eddy: "That's our money they're throwing!" Ed: "Can I go over and watch?" Eddy: "Why bother? They'll be coming to us." ''[The Eds duck below the fence. Reappearing with the giant magnet]'' "Hey, Romeo and Juliet! Who's laughing now? Full power, Double D!" Edd: "Powering up, Eddy!" Ed: "It floats." ''[The magnet suddenly turns around and drags them to a dumpster. They hang there, stuck to its surface.]'' Eddy: "Double D?" Edd: "Silly me, it appears I put the batteries in backwards." Eddy: "You sure haven't been on the ball lately, huh, Double D?" [The dumpster lid pitches forward, closing.] Ed: "Kinda funky, huh guys?"