A Town Called Ed/Script

[A bell rings, and the kids rush out of the classroom, happy that school's over.] Eddy: "Seeya, teach, hello, weekend!" Ed: "Saturday, Sunday, my day funday!" Edd: [looking at a notepad] "Celebration may be premature, gentlemen. It looks as though all the required books for our History of Peach Creek assignment have all been checked out." Ed: "You know what they say, Double D!" [Edd listens, but Ed doesn't say anything else.] Kevin: "Hey guys! I just want to remind everybody–" [He sees the Eds.] "Well, almost everybody. To come over to my place for the monster truck marathon tomorrow!" Jonny: "Right on! Plank says the last one in front of Kevin's TV is a you-know-what!" Rolf: "Very well. Rolf will include himself once again to share in another of your menial customs and yet all the while wonder why." Eddy: "So Kev, what time tomorrow does this shindig of yours start?" Kevin: "Get a clue. I said almost everyone, dork." [Kevin pushes Eddy out of the way and the kids leave.] Ed: "Toodle-oo! See you at the next thing we can't go to, Kevin!" Eddy: [angry] "Who the heck's shovelchin think he is, not inviting me over to watch monster trucks tomorrow!" Edd: "Honestly, Eddy, why would you care? You don't even like monster trucks." Eddy: "So?" ''[Ed pulls on a bag stuck in his locker. The row of lockers begins to tip.]'' Edd: "Ed! The lockers! Are you listening?" ''[Ed's lunch bag comes free, and the lockers snap back before tipping forward again. Ed stops them, and a book slides off the top and onto Eddy's head.]'' Ed: "Look what I found, guys!" [He blows the dust away.] "Fort Peach Creek?" Edd: [vacuuming the dust up] "Could it be?" [He shows the book to Eddy.] "This is the one, Eddy! The book our history teacher thought would be impossible to find, as it's been out of print for quite some time." Eddy: "That stupid thing almost killed me!" Edd: "A stroke of luck, I would say. As there's enough information here to successfully complete our project." ''[He suddenly senses something and turns to the last page. The final page has been ripped out.]'' "Oh, look at this! Someone's torn out a page!" Eddy: "Yeah yeah, big stink, words words."

[Edd and Eddy walk across the running track.] Edd: "Intriguing. The book documents the earliest known settlement in Peach Creek. Who came here only three hundred years ago." [Ed joins the procession.] "It seems that settlement was led by a–" [He stops, shocked.] "Goodness! Eddy, look!" [He shows a picture to Eddy.] "What do you see?" Ed: "It's a gaggle of Eddys and they're all wearing funny hats on their heads." Edd: "Very good, Ed! This book states that it was Eddy's ancestors who led the first settlement in Peach Creek over three centuries ago. Eddy's a pedigree, Ed! Who woulda thought?" Eddy: "Lemme see that stupid thing!" [He grabs the book and begins reading.] Edd: "Eddy! If your ancestors hadn't traveled here with dreams of a new life, Peach Creek as we know it may never have come to be!" Eddy: "So what you're saying is if it wasn't for my ancestors, we wouldn't be living here?" Edd: "Isn't it exciting, Eddy?" [He gasps and places a board across the creek in front of Eddy.] "I have an idea how we could incorporate this into our school project. Oh, you must be so proud of your deep-rooted lineage." Ed: "Like warts, Double D?" Edd: "Not quite, Ed." [They continue into the cul-de-sac.] Ed: "Like a potato, Double D?" Edd: "No, Ed." Ed: "Dip?" Edd: "That's enough, Ed." Ed: "Dandelions?" Edd: "Ed, please!"

''[A new day has dawned, and Nazz has a horrible case of bedhead. She starts to pull a comb through her hair when a doorbell rings and a scroll pops through the mail slot. Nazz unrolls the scroll and reads.]'' Nazz: "Good morrow, dearest neighbor? Unbeknownst to thee, there is an important piece of our heritage living among us?"

Jimmy: [in his kitchen] "The life thou doest enjoy in our beloved Peach Creek would not have come to pass if not for the kin of–"

Rolf: [bathing] "–thy overlooked neighbor Eddy. The descendant of those first pioneers who would come many moons ago."

Edd: "And made it possible for thine ancestors to cultivate a prosperous life here. Please enquire at Double D's garage for more information." ''[Edd's garage has been turned into a replica of colonial Peach Creek. Eddy laughs.]'' Edd: "Well done, fellows. I trust you did sufficient research when replicating these artifacts." Eddy: "I give 'em ten seconds before they're all over here apologizing and kissing my feet for the years of not inviting me to stuff and laughing behind my back." [He hears Jonny humming and unhooks the rope blocking the entryway.] "What'd I tell ya? Jonny's on his way over here right now! Groveling." ''[Jonny bypasses Eddy's house and heads towards Kevin's. He enters. Eddy turns to see Sarah and Jimmy going that way too, carrying various snacks. Nazz then comes with a platter of cookies. Rolf is the last to arrive. Kevin holds his hand out for a hi-five, and Rolf sits on it. Kevin glares at him, and they go inside.]'' Eddy: "HEY! YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! THE BOOT-LICKING'S GOING ON HERE!" [Kevin starts to shut the door, but then stops and sticks his head out.] Kevin: "Nice busboy outfits!" [He closes the door, but then looks out again.] "Dorks!" [The door shuts.] Ed: [misunderstanding as usual] "Yay! We're goin on a bus! We're goin on a bus! We're goin on a–" ''[Eddy grabs Ed and throws him offscreen. He then grabs Edd.]'' Eddy: "They snubbed me again, Double D!" Edd: [extricating himself] "Perhaps they just need time to reflect on our illuminating leaflet." Eddy: "Time, nothing!" [sinisterly] "I've got a better way of grabbing their attention."

[The kids are enjoying the monster truck rally.] Kevin: "Gear-jamming power in a mudpit! Gotta love it, man!" Rolf: [unimpressed] "Rolf's tractor would squash these puny doohickeys like the ticks that cling to Victor's tuchus." Jonny: "Plank's got goosebumps on his splinters!" ''[The TV suddenly fizzles and spits static. The kids complain. Kevin shrugs and tries changing channels. When this doesn't work, he bangs on the TV. The picture resolves to a fake backdrop of an outdoor fireplace.]'' Eddy: [offscreen] "Go on, get in there!" [Edd prances onscreen, dressed like a pilgrim.] Edd: "Um...good morrow to thee. I'm about to share with thou fellow villagers the tale of Fort Peach Creek. Let us–begin, shall we?" Sarah: "I hate public access!" [Kevin tries unsuccessfully to change the channel.] Edd: "A long time ago, Peach Creek was but a–an untamed wilderness of towering trees, torrid waters, and savage beasts!" ''[The camera shifts to another backdrop. Ed, wearing a moose cap, leaps out from behind a fake bush.]'' Ed: "Cock-a-doodle doo! I am a salvage moose! Bleaugh!" ''[Ed walks offscreen. Edd takes center stage once more.]'' Edd: "Oh, look over yon horizon, for the hero of our epic tale doth approach!" ''[Eddy appears, pretending to tow a wagon prop. In reality, Edd is holding up a tiny wagon which, by perspective, looks large behind Eddy.]'' Eddy: "I have come from afar and shall claim this wilderness as our own!" [Ed, clueless as usual, stands in front of the camera.] "Hark ye, savage moose, move it along, or be turned into moose chops!" [Eddy points a fake blunderbuss at Ed.] "Hear ye?" [Ed doesn't move.] Ed: "This land is your land, oh great shortened one!" ''[He walks away. Edd gives Eddy a flag.]'' Eddy: "Yes, this land is fulleth of peachy fuzzy fruits, and for this reason I claimeth this place as Fort Peach Creek!" [The hill of leaves he is standing on collapses under him, and he flies into a rage, snapping the flag.] Edd: "And...there...you...have it." Ed: "Cock-a-doodle doo!" [The set descends into madness.]

''[Kevin goes outside. He spots a clotheshanger hooked onto his TV antenna. There is a wire leading into it that leads away from his house.]''

[Ed and Eddy carry giant fake turkeys down the street while Edd films.] Eddy: "And here is where my family's mansion once stoodeth! But alas, it is now the home of one self-centered, fatheaded Kevin and his deadbeat, too good for everyone pals!" [Edd puts a sign up in front of the camera that reads "We'll be Right Back.] Edd: "Eddy! What are you doing? Our project is meant to educate, not–" Eddy: [pushing the sign away] "And according to my calculations, as the living heir of every grain of jerk in this town, you owe me 300 years worth of UNPAID BACK RENT! HA! WHADDAYA THINK OF THAT, YA BUNCH OF LOSERS!" [Eddy stops. Behind him, the kids are cheering.] The Kids: "Monster trucks! Monster trucks! Monster trucks! Monster trucks! Monster trucks! Monster trucks!" Eddy: "They're watching their stupid show in there!" [to Ed] "Thought I told you to hook up the camera to Kevin's antenna! You idiot!" Ed: "Honest! I did, Eddy! Cross my eyes and hope to smell I did!" [Ed tugs at the cord and pulls a familiar trailer on the scene. The Kankers watch on their TV.] Ed: "Antenna's hooked up just like you said, Eddy." May: "This Thanksgivings show's a hoot!" Marie: "It's not a Thanksgiving show, you idiot. There's no turkeys!" May: "What are you talking about? I saw three of em!" [Lee opens the trailer door. She appears on the Kankers' TV.] May: "Oh look! It's their grandma!" Marie: "Lee's a TV star!" Lee: "Hey girls, it's the turkeys!" [The girls look out of their trailer door.] Eddy: [irate] "Turkeys? How the heck'd you get that cable off of Kevin's roof!" [The kids laugh, watching the show from the window.] Kevin: "Nice chicken, Dorkediah!" Lee: [grabbing Eddy] "This turkey looks like it could use some basting." Ed: [under May] "Stop! Evil debutantes of desire!" Edd: [flipping through the book] "Not so fast, Marie. You should know that subjecting us to the usual amorous onslaught on Eddy's land is punishable by law." Marie: [looking at the book] "Eddy's land?" Eddy: "You heard him." Marie: [rifling through her pocket] "Yeah, well, here's the facts, Jack. You guys need to brush up on your history." [She finds the missing page from the book and puts it in place.] Edd: "The missing page!" [reading] "And the entirety of the founder's land was signed over thusly to one who bested him in a gambling match. Lord...Kanker?!?" Eddy: [shocked] "What? Lord Kanker? The Kankers own Peach Creek?" Ed: "Say it ain't soeth, Dorkediah!" Marie: "Looks like we're owed some back rent, huh girls?" Lee: "That's right! Three hundred years worth of smooching and wooching!" The Eds: "HISTORY IS SO UNKIND!!!"