Take This Ed and Shove It/Script

Ed: [in a hot dog costume, in front of some curtains] "Guess what time it is, kids! It's–" [Ed pulls down the curtains and Eddy, dressed as a panda, skitters onstage.] Eddy: "Hey kids, it's me, Panda Eddy! Are you ready to have a panda fun time? Follow me, kids!" [Eddy runs over to a makeshift doghouse and knocks on the top.] "I'd like you kids to meet my best pal!" ''[Ed sticks out a balloon animal. The animal is a dog.]'' Ed: "Arf arf!" Eddy: "Hidy hidy, balloon poochie! Say hi to the kids!" Ed: "Arf!" Eddy: [pretending to laugh] "Boy, balloon poochie, you sure are kean-o nifty!" [Someone knocks.] "Now who could that be?" [The door opens, and Edd, dressed in a calculator costume, walks in.] Edd: "Greetings, everyone!" Eddy: "It's Mr. Calculator Pants!" Edd: "Greetings, Panda Eddy, Balloon Poochie! Are we ready for today's schooling in algebraic mathematics and the–" Ed: "Toot toot!" Eddy: "Hey! It's the Elephant Choo Choo!" [He makes Balloon Poochie bark.] "You can say that again, Balloon Poochie!" ''[They wait, but the train does not appear. Eddy, becoming impatient, goes into the tunnel and fetches it.]'' Ed: "Ouch!" Eddy: [dragging Ed behind him] "Look, kids! It's Mr. Railroad Rump!" ''[On his way out of the tunnel, Ed runs over Edd. The cargo Ed is towing behind him is a big stack of balloon puppies.]'' Ed: "That I am, kids!" [He stops.] "Just call me Rumpy." Eddy: [gesturing to the cargo] "Hey kids, you know what? Wouldn't it be great to adopt your very own Balloon Poochie? Well you can, for just 25¢." [One of the balloons barks.] "Yep! Just twenty-five cents!" ''[Eddy grins. Sarah, Jonny, and Plank just look on, unamused.]'' Plank: Jonny: "Kindergarten is right, Plank! Let's blow this pop stand." [He and Plank leave.] Sarah: "What do we look like, a couple of babies?" [She leaves.] "Boy, was that stupid." Ed: "Pay them no heed, Balloon Poochie. 'Cause you're cute." [The balloon pops.] Eddy: "I've had it! We're wasting our time with these twerps!" [He stuffs the panda head in a trashcan.] "We bust our butts for these guys, and what's it get us? Squat!" [He plops down on the curb morosely.] Edd: "Oh come now, Eddy. You have to admit that scam was a tad infantile, don't you think?" Eddy: "Ah, whadda you know? You're Mr. Calculator Pants, for Pete's sake." Edd: [getting out of his costume] "If you'll just take the time to notice, Eddy, you'd see that the neighborhood kids are changing. Growing up, one might say." Ed: [a pacifier in his hand] "Suckle?" ''[Eddy grabs Ed and throws him into the trashcan. Both he and the panda head bounce out, and the can tips over. A tricycle in good condition rolls out of the tipped over can.]'' Eddy: "What lamebrain schmuck throws away a perfectly good tricycle?" [The answer presents itself in the form of Jimmy, who unsteadily rides out of his garage and into the street on a bicycle with training wheels.] Edd: "See, Eddy? Jimmy's maturing. Isn't it inspiring? He's adapting from a juvenile three-wheeled bike to a two-wheeled symbol of burgeoning adulthood." Ed: "Do not taunt the trike, Double D." Eddy: "Yeah, what'd the trike ever do to you?" Edd: "I'm conversing with puerile imps. Perhaps another example is in order."

''[Nazz is in the family room, bored and watching TV. Outside her window, the Eds are perched on a tree branch and looking inside. Ed is upon the trike–quite a feat when you consider that he's having to balance on a branch as well as the vehicle.]'' Edd: "Look closely, Eddy, for beneath that calm, cool, bring-home-to-meet-Mother exterior, Nazz is developing on a multitude of levels, both cellular and genetic. A maturing organism, gentlemen!" Ed: [seeing no humor] "Where's the gag, Double D?" Edd: "Growing up isn't always funny, Ed." Eddy: "Boring!"

[A close up of Kevin's chin reveals a small whisker sprouting from its tip.] Kevin: "Yo, Rolf, check out the beard!" Rolf: "Beard?" Kevin: "Pretty manly, huh?" Rolf: [laughing] "Ho ho ho!" [He turns his back to Kevin.] "Brace yourself, little boy, for THIS–" [Rolf rips off his shirt, revealing an incredibly hairy back.] "–is what it is to be a man." Kevin: "I'm gonna heave!" [The Eds watch from over a fence with rapt interest.] Ed: "Rolf mutated!" Edd: "Physically developed, Ed. Albeit a tad extreme. Just another indication of impending adulthood. Why, it'll only be a matter of time before the kids decide on careers, and become productive members of society." [Ed falls off the fence.] Ed: "I am okay." Eddy: "Careers, huh?" Edd: "A sure sign of maturity, Eddy." Eddy: [coming up with a scam] "Careers equals employment. Employment equals cash!" Ed: "Oh, oh! My turn!" Eddy: "Not now, Ed! C'mon, Double D, we ain't getting any younger!" [He races away.] Ed: [following dispiritedly] "But Eddy!"

''[A banner is hung against the bright blue sky. The banner proclaims "Eddy's Career Cownselling." Below it sit Jimmy, Rolf, and Nazz.]'' Jimmy: "Eddy's Career Counseling?" Eddy: [dragging Sarah to the scam] "Only at Eddy's Career Counseling can our experts use your individual profile and a computer to pick a career for you. All for a measly quarter." [He sets Sarah on the bench next to Jimmy.] Jimmy: "Go on, Sarah, it'll be fun." Sarah: [sarcastic] "Oh, I bet it will." [She drops a coin on the ground next to Eddy's jar, and Jimmy laughs.] Edd: [interviewing Jonny] "Shall we begin? Your favorite color." Jonny: "Magenta." Ed: [measuring him] "Magellan!" Edd: "Thank you. Pants size?" Jonny: "Twelve, I guess." Ed: "Buttered toast." Edd: "And favorite vegetable?" Ed: "Relish!" Jonny: "No, Ed, sprouts! Ow!" Ed: "Gravy!" Edd: "Yes, well, if you'll follow me to our 'Vault of Vocations' and select a mystery item of your choice!" [Jonny puts his hand in the chest and plucks out a ball of twine.] Jonny: "A ball of twine!" [to Plank] "Are we lucky or what?" Edd: "I'll take that, thank you." ''[He hands the twine and his clipboard to Ed. Edd then whispers something to Ed. Ed goes behind the computer bank.] "Our computer will now process, refine, and determine Jonny's exact career.] Ed: [making computer noises] "Vroom! Buzz click hum! Be-beep! Brp! Hummina hummina…Bang!" [coming up with an answer] "Jonny is a gopher!" Jonny: "A gopher?" Eddy: "Congratulations, and here's your diploma!" [He gives Jonny a diploma.] "Go out there and be the best gopher you can be. Next!" [Rolf gets up. Eddy jingles his change.] Eddy: [ecstatic] "This grown-up stuff's gold!" Rolf: [angry with his results] "A potato-monger?" Edd: "Well, um, according to our computer–dear Rolf, your profile did lean towards more a–" Rolf: "Rolf wishes to be a barber." Edd: "A barber?" Rolf: [proudly] "In the Old Country, he who cuts hair is a man among men." Edd: "But Rolf, he–" Rolf: "Rolf. Is. A. Barber." [He rolls up his shirtsleeve to reveal an extremely large bicep.] Ed: "Party at Rolf's house!" Eddy: "A barber it is! Now go bust some heads there, Figarro." Nazz: "I'm ready for my career, Double D." Kevin: [seeing the scam] "Why's Nazz want a career?" Eddy: "Cuz she's growing up, nimrod. You want one? Cough up." Kevin: "Nimrod? I tell you what, Dorky. Meet me when you're done, and I'll show you what my boot wants to do when it grows up." [He walks away laughing.] Nazz: "A dentist? Aw, Double D, that's so cool." [She hugs Edd.] Jimmy: "My turn! My turn!" Sarah: "Yeah, I wanna career! I wanna career!" Eddy: [clutching his money jar] "They can grow up all they want, 'cause I'm staying a kid!"

''[Eddy rushes out of the candy store carrying three jawbreakers. His friends follow him.]'' Eddy: "Jawbreakers!" [Eddy races into the lane and cuts through a yard.] Eddy: "Last one to my house is a rotten–" ''[The yard contains Nazz's dental office. The Eds run into the chair.]'' "What scatterbrained schnook would leave a chair lying around?" Nazz: "Good morning, patients, I'm Dr. Nazz, denterest." [taking the jawbreakers] "First things first, dudes. Jawbreakers are so bad for your teeth. Cavities and stuff? Totally!" [She shoves them in a drawer in her desk and locks the desk tightly.] "There. Now let's do this." [She tilts the chair back.] "Cozy?" [The dental light is turned on.] Eddy: "Geez, what's with the light?" Edd: "But I already have a dentist!" Ed: [entranced] "Light." Nazz: [picking up a drill] "Hey! This looks cool!" ''[Near the top of a tree is Jimmy. Jimmy is dressed in flannel and held to the tree by some rope.]'' Jimmy: "I'm sorry, Mr. Tree, but I've got a job to do." ''[Jimmy picks up an axe and swings it at the tree. The axe hits the rope and cuts through it.]'' Jimmy: "My cummerbund!" [He slides down the tree.] "AAH! AIEE! OW! NO! HURT!" ''[His retainer catches on the bark and tears off. Jimmy continues to fall until he reaches the bottom, scraping his teeth on the tree all the way down.]'' Jimmy: "Job-related owie." Nazz: [seeing the disaster] "Huh?" [to the Eds] "Busy day, huh guys?" [running to Jimmy] "Dental emergency!" Edd: "How unfortunate for Jimmy and extremely unfortunate for us." Eddy: [mouth full of dental equipment] "The jawbreakers!" ''[Eddy rushes over and begins to fiddle with the lock. Ed has a more violent approach, banging the desk against the ground repeatedly. Edd comes over, worried about his friends.]'' Edd: "Gentlemen! Hasn't any of this talk about maturity, responsibility and adulthood sunk in?" Ed: [bordering on desperation] "JAWBREAKERS, DOUBLE D!" Edd: "Believe you me, Ed, I too succumb to the sight of those succulent, toothsome orbs. But our actions need to reflect the emerging mature adults we are." ''[He realizes he's alone. He looks around for his friends and spots them.]'' "Wait! Where're you going?" Eddy: "My house! My dad's got power tools!" Edd: [chasing his friends] "But Eddy! You're just a kid!"

''[Sarah whirls herself along on a wire. She is wearing a costume painted to look like a traffic light.]'' Sarah: "A traffic light! What kind of stupid career is that? Idiot." ''[Jonny is seen digging underground like a gopher. The Eds come running by, heading for the road.]'' Sarah: "Stop!" ''[Ed stops abruptly, and the procession comes to a halt. The desk flies across the street.]'' Eddy: "What'd you stop for? Go get the jawbreakers!" Ed: "My mom and dad say to always obey traffic signals, Eddy." [he points at Sarah] "See? Stop." Edd: "Bravo, Ed! That was a very responsible and grown-up decision." Eddy: "Sarah, change the light. Now!" Sarah: "I'm just doing what you know-it-alls told me." [a few seconds later] "Go! Stupid." Ed: "I got it! I got it I got it." ''[Ed stands on the desk and laughs. Eddy rushes towards him. Suddenly, Jonny's gopher trail comes up right underneath him and carries him away. All Eddy can do is look on disbelievingly.]'' Eddy: "Of all the–Ed! Get back here!" [He gives chase.] Ed: [riding the desk] "Uh oh." ''[Jonny goes under a pricker bush. Ed, aboveground, is not so lucky; he is dragged straight through the bush.]'' "Hurt." Eddy: "Ed!" ''[Jonny suddenly stops moving and surfaces. The desk continues to move, however, propelled by its own momentum. Jonny looks around.]'' Jonny: "Holy cow, Plank, am I the best gopher or what?" [Without waiting for a reply, he dives back underground and continues to dig his way through the cul-de-sac.] Eddy: "Was that Jonny?" [moving on to a more pressing matter] "WHERE'D THE DESK GO?" ''[Eddy runs in circles, looking for it. He stops suddenly and listens. What he is hearing is the sound of somebody cutting hair.]''

[Edd and Eddy peek around the side of a house.] Eddy: "Ah ha!" Rolf: [finishing up] "You may now thank Rolf for embellishing that chicken posterior you call a head." ''[Rolf has been cutting Ed's hair. Ed now has a haircut that replicates Rolf's almost exactly.]'' Ed: "And a fine how-de-doo to you, too." Eddy: "C'mon, push, willya?" [He and Edd are trying to move the disk, which now has several implements of the hairdressing profession stacked on top of it.] Rolf: "UNHAND ROLF'S TOOLS OF PROFESSION! Where are you taking Rolf's shampoo table?" Eddy: "Shampoo table? Oh yeah! Hey, ain't I next?" [He climbs into the chair and whispers something to Ed.] "Nothing too out there. Still living at home, you know." Ed: [to a dumbstruck Edd] "Yep. It's me all right." Eddy: [to Rolf] "Just a little off the top there, Picasso." Edd: "Why, that haircut looks very–" [he pauses to look at Rolf] "–resembling, Ed." Rolf: "Silence! as the barber has hair to prune." ''[Rolf sets to work on Eddy. Meanwhile, Ed carries the desk away, the shampoos cleared off of it.]'' Rolf: [finishing up] "You are complete! Behold the miracle bestowed upon you! You may bow to Rolf." ''[Eddy's haircut is the same as Ed's; he looks like Rolf. Seeing this, Eddy blanches, but he knows he can't insult Rolf's handiwork.]'' Eddy: "Uh…" Rolf: "That will be two chickens and a pillow, thank you." Eddy: [seeing that Edd and Ed are moving the desk into his garage] "Yeah, sure. Just put it on my tab." Rolf: [bowing] "Very well, patron." [confused] "Tab? What is this tab?"

[Eddy is searching for something in his garage.] Eddy: [finding something] "Bingo! Get some napkins, boys,–" [he pulls out a saw] "–'cause we're slobbering on jawbreakers!" [He begins to saw at the desk.] Edd: "This day has been simply the most gratifying day I can remember, Eddy! Yet I can't help but ponder our own paths into maturity, and–" Eddy: "I mature, you mature, we mature, I am maturing." Edd: "Oh, come now. Eddy, what is your aspiration of adulthood?" Ed: "When I get old, I am going to be: Ice. Crystal style." Eddy: "Why don't you be: Useful, and get to work!" [He hands Ed a shovel.] "You too, gabby." [Edd gets a file.] Edd: [filing] "I yearn the romantic life of an explorer when I become older." [He stops working.] "Traveling and meeting exotic people, places, and my true inner self." [Eddy places Edd's filing hand back on the desk, and work resumes.] "Well, Eddy? And you?" Eddy: "Scamming kids for a zillion years, Double D. 'Cause I ain't never getting old! I'm building me a fountain of youth. I'll be young and handsome forever." [He thinks for a moment.] "And rich." [Suddenly, Jonny tunnels out, under his feet, throwing Eddy up towards the wooden slat ceiling.] Jonny: "Lunchtime!" [He takes out his lunch and runs off to eat.] Edd: "Well deserved, I must say." Eddy: [clinging to a light fixture] "He's a pest!" ''[Suddenly, the fixture shakes, and the slat holding it breaks. Eddy tumbles into the hole Jonny created, and the detritus that was top of the slat tumbles down into the hole.]'' Eddy: "Oh, my achin–" ''[A bowling ball slams onto his head. This is followed a few short seconds later by another ball. A bowling pin hits him, and all the stuff that had been kept above the garage quickly follows, burying him. Eddy's vision wavers to the soundtrack of his last triumphant proclamation: "Cause I'm never gettin old! Cause I'm never getting old…"]''

[An old man stretches and stands up.] Eddy: "Oh, my aching back! How'd I get back in my room?" ''[The old man is seen in the mirror. He seems to be an older form of Eddy.]'' "Oh, hiya, Grampa!" [He lifts his arm to wave.] "Aah! Aah!" [The old man goes for a closer look.] "You're me!" [Old Eddy walks to the door, cane in hand.] Old Eddy: "I gotta get out of here. Huh?" ''[He notices the cane and throws it away. The elderly Eddy opens the door.]'' Old Edd: [at the door with an older version of Ed] "Why, hello, Eddy! We've come in hopes of a third for cribbage." Old Ed: "Cribbage gives me gas." Old Eddy: "Aah! This can't be happening!" [Ed, using a walker, slowly comes over to Eddy, farting all the way.] Old Ed: "Loss of control is the first thing to go." Old Eddy: [to Edd] "What happened to us, Double D? We look like turkeys!" ''[He pulls at the loose skin on Edd's chin. The skin drops down and hangs limply.]'' Old Edd: "Calm down, Eddy. I'll let you shuffle." [He holds out a deck of cards.] Old Eddy: "I hate cribbage!" [He swats the deck away and falls over.] "I'm just a kid!" Old Edd: [laughing] "Kid? Oh, Eddy. We haven't been kids in over ninety years." Old Eddy: "Ninety years?" Old Ed: [falling over] "Baby go wee-wee!" [Ed and Edd laugh.]

''[Eddy leaves the house running. He goes by his garage and backtracks. He looks into his garage, where the desk is still there and still locked.]'' Old Eddy: "It can't be. The jawbreakers." [He goes and caresses the desk.] "Still locked up like Nazz left them." ''[Eddy fondles the lock. The door from the house opens and Edd looks out.]'' Old Edd: "Eddy? Is that you? Ah, confounded darkness." ''[He claps his hands and the lights come on. Eddy is nowhere to be seen.]'' "Cribbage, Eddy."

''[Eddy runs across the street straight into a table on which a chessboard is balanced. Old Jonny and Old Plank are playing chess.]'' Old Eddy: "Coming through." Jonny: [dropping a chess piece] "Checkmate, Plank, you old codger, you!" [Plank is much the worse for wear; his crayon eyes and mouth are little more than smudges.] Old Eddy: "Jonny? Is that you?" Old Jonny: "Oh, hey Eddy! Whatcha starin at? Nazz forget her pants again?" [Across the street, Nazz is feeding pigeons.] Old Nazz: "Here you go, little dudes." Old Jonny: "She's still got it, huh, Eddy?" Old Eddy: "Got what? Liver spots? I can't take any more of this!" ''[Eddy moves to run away, but slips on an errant chess piece. He falls to the ground clutching his hip.]'' Old Eddy: "My hip!" Old Plank: Old Jonny: "What's that, Plank?" [Jonny picks up Plank and holds the wood to an ear trumpet.] Old Plank: Old Jonny: "Eddy? Where? Oh, hey Eddy. Whatcha starin at? Nazz forget her pants again?" [Eddy runs away.] "Nice day, isn't it?"

[Eddy runs straight into the old, wrinkled, wizened hand of Sarah.] Old Sarah: "What are you, blind?" Old Eddy: [admitting defeat] "Kinda." Old Sarah: "Can't you see me and Jimmy are playing here?" Old Jimmy: "You heard her, poopypants. What say you just leave us to it?" Old Eddy: "Leave you to what?" [He notices a string hanging from Sarah's hand.] "Skip rope? Ain't you too old to skip rope?" Old Sarah: "What do we look like, a couple of babies? We're knitting, you idiot!" Old Jimmy: "And no, you can't have one. I made this bedtime cozy for Sarah." Old Sarah: "So GET LOST, POPS!" [She brings her fist down squarely on Eddy's head.] Old Eddy: "Yow!" [dazed] "Good on ya." [He stumbles away.]

[Eddy stumbles across the street.] Old Eddy: "I'm so confused." [He walks into a light pole, and an old version of Rolf turns around.] Old Rolf: "Hello, Kevin!" Old Eddy: "Huh? I'm not Kevin." Old Rolf: "Who is this Kevin you speak of?" [Eddy, amazed, doesn't reply.] "ROLF'S TRACTOR IS NOT FOR SALE!" ''[We get to look at Rolf's tractor, which sits in his front yard. The machine is broken down and does indeed have a "For Sale" sign in the grass beside it.]'' Old Rolf: "YOU FOOL! Rolf does not love you, Nazz girl." [He picks Eddy up and sets him on a immensely fat sow lying in his driveway.] Old Eddy: [just wanting to leave] "Okay." Old Rolf: "You taunt Rolf's turnip, Jonny the woodboy? LEAVE, before Rolf gets his beating stick!" ''[Rolf stalks around the back of the pig in order to get his stick. Eddy, not wanting to stick around, gets up and starts off towards his house. Along the way, he notices that he is using his cane again.]'' Old Eddy: "Huh?" [He throws the cane away.] "Stop it!" [Kevin, on a motorscooter, comes by and runs over Eddy.] Old Kevin: "Move it, dork." [He runs over Eddy a few more times before heading back.] "Yeah, that'll learn ya. Dork!" [Edd finds the prone Eddy.] Old Edd: "Oh, there you are, Eddy. Ed and I have been looking everywhere for you! What say we get you home now, Eddy? This humidity is killing me." Old Eddy: "Home? Jawbreakers? That's it, guys!" Old Edd: "What's that, Eddy?" Old Eddy: "That's the key to our youth! Hurry!" [He pulls at his friends but his advanced age has made him too weak to budge them.] "Just follow me." Ed: "Too late! I already went, Eddy."

[Eddy enters the garage and goes up to the desk.] Old Eddy: "One bite of these jawbreakers, and everything will be back to normal." Old Edd: "Why, I haven't had a jawbreaker in decades! I can't quite recall the flavor. Boysenberry, wasn't it? Funny thing about boysenberry, it actually left the tongue a pale green, which always reminded me of apple, or maybe kumquat, which is odd as I don't think Mother ever had kumquats around the house." [Eddy strains to lift a hammer.] "Ah, but I digress. My cat, Niels Bohr, doesn't care for me wearing corduroys around the house. Seems the sounds of the legs rubbing isn't quite the melodious symphony to the cat's ears as it is to–" Old Eddy: "SHUT UP, WILL YA? Criminy. Ed, bust the stupid desk." Old Ed: "Ed? I'll go get him, Eddy." ''[Ed walks up to the desk with all the slowness of an old man. He raises the walker, ready to bring it down on the desk. Before he does so, however, he coughs. The puff of air coming out is enough to break the desk, crumbling it and its contents to dust.]'' Old Ed: "It's not here, Eddy." Old Edd: "Time has reduced it to dust, Eddy." Old Eddy: "But I'm just a kid!" [He looks down and sees that the can has magically reappeared.] "This is not happening!" [He begins to hit himself with the cane.] "I'm not old! I'm not old! I'm not old! I'm not I'm not old! I'm not old!"

''[Eddy is a kid again. He is bandaged up and lying on the floor of his garage, and there is a Get Well Soon card next to him, but he is the same Eddy we've always known, apart from the fact that his eyes are squeezed tightly shut and he's pretending to hit himself with a cane.]'' Eddy: "I'm not old! I'm not old! I'm not old. I'm not old. I'm not–" [He opens his eyes.] "AAAAH!" Edd: [also normal] "Eddy?" Eddy: "Double D?" [ecstatic] "Oh, you're just a kid!" Edd: "Physically, yes, but I like to think I've excelled academically–" Eddy: "Yeah yeah, whatever." [He grabs a hand mirror and looks in.] "And I'm a kid too!" [He begins to sing.] "We're not old anymore! Who needs a cane now, Double D? Ha ha!" Edd: "Relax, Eddy! I fear you may have suffered a hallucination brought on by that bump on your head." ''[Ed is sawing through the desk. He finishes and it falls open.]'' Ed: "Who's up for jawbreakers?" Eddy: "The jawbreakers!" Ed: "Yummedy yum yum!" [Eddy grabs one.] Eddy: "Gimme that!" [He looks at it.] "I don't wanna ever grow up."

''[Suddenly, Old Eddy awakes. He is in a chair. Old Eddy raises his eyes to see the senior citizen versions of Ed and Edd sitting at a table with him.]'' Old Edd: "It seems you dozed off again there, Eddy. You were recounting yet another humorous story from our past, when we were children." Old Ed: "You remember the funniest things, Eddy, like…um…I forget." Old Eddy: "It was all just stories? Memories from the past? We really are old!" [He slams his face against the table, and the table collapses.] Old Edd: "Well, so much for our rousing game of cribbage." Old Ed: "I just remembered something!" [sticking his finger in Eddy's face] "Pull my finger, Eddy!" [He farts and laughs.] Old Edd: "That mischievous prank is older than we are, Ed!" Old Eddy: "Grow up, you shriveled up, petrified lump!" [The Eds all share a laugh.] Old Eddy: [grumpily] "I still wish I was a kid!"