Every Which Way But Ed/Script

''[A shot of Double D's house from the outside is shown. We are then taken inside, where Ed is playing with his lips. Edd is then seen wearing slippers and shuffling across his rug. He places his finger next to Ed's nose, and a spark of electricity crosses from him to Ed.]'' Ed: [surprised] "Zappity Zap Zap." Edd: [explaining] "That's static electricity, Ed. Did you know–" [Ed goes back to playing with his lips] "–that the stress control of accessible energy lies right beneath our feet?" Ed: [an idea dawns] "No. Like between my toes, Double D?" Edd: "Not quite, Ed. Here, you try." [He holds the bunny slippers out to Ed.] [Ed jumps onto the rug and begins shuffling his feet along it.] Edd: "You see, by shuffling along the carpet, you absorb eager electrons, rapidly looking for a direct escape." [He observes Ed some more, and becomes worried as Ed becomes more and more charged.] "Now Ed, there's no need to overdo it." [becoming nervous as Ed attracts enough electricity to make the power go off] "Now, Ed, that's quite enough." [terrified as Ed's electromagnetic pull starts attracting everything in the room towards him] "Ed, please stop!" Ed: [clearly enjoying himself] "Like this, Double D?" [he puts his finger near Edd's nose] "Zappity Zap Zap!" ''[The camera moves to outside the house, where a big explosion is seen. Apparently the streetlights have gone out as well. After the electricity is discharged, they come back on, and it is revealed that the whole second floor has disappeared and the ground floor is in shambles.]'' Ed: "Tag you're it!" [Edd falls over.]

[Eddy appears next to a big hole in the wall.] Eddy: "Check it out, boys! Ta-da!" [he holds up a jawbreaker] Ed: [excited] "Ooh, ooh! It's a– a–" Edd: [reinvigorated] "Jawbreaker?!? Where on earth–" [becoming suspicious] "–did you get that from?" Eddy: "I scammed it off Jonny. What a pigeon!" Ed: "Yum." ''[He tries to eat it, but Eddy slips a skunk into his mouth instead. Through tears]'' "Spicy." [He spits out the skunk.] "Do tell, Eddy, how did you do it?" Eddy: "Easy. I was walking home from school after my detention, of course, when I spy Baldy coming out of the candy store." [He flashes back.]

''[We are now on the street with all the shops. Eddy is seen walking down the street, wearing a dunce cap.]'' Eddy: "Teachers! For crying out loud!" ''[He throws his hat to the ground. Seeing Jonny exit the candy store with a jawbreaker, he stops and stares. He then giggles greedily. He is then seen sneaking up behind Jonny, and he opens his mouth, about to close his jaw upon the jawbreaker Jonny's carrying, when Jonny notices him.]'' Jonny: "Hey Eddy!" [Eddy pulls up short and pretends he was just yawning.] Eddy: "What?" Jonny: [confused] "What?" Eddy: "Whatever." Jonny: "Whatever." ''[He walks in one direction, Eddy in another. Eddy then steps in an opened can of paint.]''

Jonny: "Did you get a load of that guy, buddy? Eddy tried to beat it with our jawbreaker. What a weirdo-face." Eddy: [disguised as Plank] "You said it, pal." Jonny: "Better keep a sharp eye out." ''[He hums a tune. Eddy, meanwhile, tries to reach the jawbreaker with his tongue. He accidentally grabs Jonny's head and puts it in his mouth.]'' "Boy, you sure are acting weird, Plank." Eddy: "Who, me? Nope." Jonny: "It's that chip again, isn't it?" [He stashes the jawbreaker in his pants in order to examine Plank's head.] "You just haven't been the same since Rolf's place, remember?" [He flashes back.]

Jonny: [voice-over] "We were looking for kicks and you wanted to be an engine piston!" ''[We are at Rolf's house, in what seems to be late spring or early summer. When we zoom in on the tractor, Plank can be seen in the engine.]'' Jonny: "Are you sure you want to do this, Plank?" Plank: Jonny: "What's that?" Plank: Jonny: [satisfied] "Okay!" [he starts the tractor] "What's that?" Plank: Jonny: "Holy cow! More pow?" [standing up] "You sure got guts, buddy!" ''[He steps on the accelerator. The tractor spews some gears and takes off at a good clip.]''

[Inside Rolf's house, Rolf is showing something off.] Rolf: "Behold the toil of forty days and forty nights! Rolf can sense your jealousy of Rolf's giant squash!" [The camera pulls back, revealing a squash slightly taller than Rolf.] "Cry, cry if you must, for Rolf would cry too at the sight of this Venus of the gourd family." [Kevin and Nazz stand stunned.] Jonny: [on the out-of-control tractor] "Hang on, buddy!" Rolf: "You may kiss it if you like." Jonny: "I'll save you!" [The tractor passes by the kitchen window, and only then do Kevin, Nazz and Rolf notice him.] Rolf: [agitated] "Jonny the Woodboy! Unhand Rolf's tractor!" ''[Jonny makes a lasso with the garden hose, and uses it to pull the tractor up onto its rear. Plank shoots out of the piston hole he was in and reverberates throughout the tractor's body before shooting out an exhaust pipe pointed at the house. He hits Rolf in the face, knocking him cleanly into the giant squash.]'' Jonny: [rushing into the house] "Buddy!" [sees Plank in Rolf's mouth] "Give him back, you bully!" ''[He yanks Plank out of Rolf's mouth. Plank sticks on one of Rolf's teeth, and when he comes out, a chip falls off of him.]'' Jonny: [crying] "Look what you did to Plank! He's got brain damage!" Rolf: [disbelieving] "The wood has a brain?" Nazz: [to Rolf, stuck in the squash] "Boy, Rolf, you remind me of me, when I was chubby." Kevin: "Say what? When were you–" [remembering] "–oh, yeah, I remember." [He flashes back.]

Kevin: [younger, showing off at the lake, he jumps off a rope swing] "This one's called the guitar solo! Ding a ding dang my ding a ding dong!" [The kids make noises of approval until Kevin completes the dive, creating a big wave.] Kevin: "Sha!" Nazz: "My turn!" ''[She swims for shore, leaving a large wake behind her. As she comes out, the water level drops so much that it's below the kids' waists.]'' "This one's called Huggy-Tog Shimmy-Time Shonga Dip!" [She jumps in, landing squarely on Kevin and blowing all the water out of the pond.] "Dude! Like, that was so much fun!" Kevin: [squashed beneath her] "Righteous." [All the kids point and laugh at the spectacle, including Nazz.] Rolf: "Let me say, paper-napkin Jimmy, such tomfoolery brings Rolf back to Rolf's lazy, good-for-nothing youth. Rolf remembers, yes?" [He flashes back.]

''[Rolf is swinging round and round on a swing attached to a red-and-white striped pole. The three Eds enter, completely confused as to where they are. The location is a grassy field in a mountainous area.]'' Ed: [picks up a sheep and hugs it] "Wooly Bully!" Eddy: ''How the heck'd we get here? This isn't what I was remembering." Edd: "I'm confused, Eddy. You were originally flashing back to something you remembered. What was it?" Eddy: "I can't remember now. First Jonny stole my flashback, then Nazz, and now Rolf." Ed: [now swinging as well] "Oh! Oh! I remember. We were standing next to a–" [pauses] "–hole in the wall, right after a bang. Boom. Remember?" [He flashes back.]

''[The Eds are standing in front of a fence. It is apparently the middle of summer, and in the flashback a bowling ball has just gone through the fence. The trio are in the lane, dressed in chef's clothing.]'' Edd: [confused] "Huh?" Eddy: "This ain't the hole!" Ed: "Yep!" [picks Eddy up and puts him on the other side of the fence] "You were standing here–" [drags Edd opposite him] "–and me and Double D was here! See? Zappity Zap Zap, Double D." Edd: "Unfortunately, I don't think this is what Eddy had in mind." Eddy: [angry] "That's it! From now on, nobody's doing any remembering but me!" [He throws the bowling ball at the other two, knockng them over.] Sarah: "Those idiots know nothing about creamhorns, Jimmy." Jimmy: [licking his lips] "Creamhorns are scrumptious, Sarah!" Edd: [remembering what happens next] "Eddy! Ed's flashed us back to the day your scam ruined Jimmy's teeth!" ''[Jimmy bites down, too late realizing it's a bowling pin. His teeth all break, and he cries out in agony.]'' Jimmy: "It's a bowling pin, Sarah! They tricked me!" Ed: "Oh yeah! Oh no. I just remembered the pain Sarah will now inflict on us!" [He tries to run away, but runs into a dumpster blocking the lane.] Sarah: "ED!" [she breaks the stand and heads toward the Eds] Edd: "Eddy, quick, remember something! Anything!" Eddy: "I can't! I'm too scared!" Edd: "Um...yes! Remember that time Sarah followed us to school?" Eddy: "Oh, yeah! I remember!" [He flashes back.]

[A locker door is seen rattling, and Sarah's groans of anger are coming from somewhere.] Ed: "When we locked her in a locker?" Eddy: "Showed her!" Edd: "But Eddy!" [the door shoots off, and an arm ending in a boxing glove protrudes from the locker] "She had boxing gloves that day!" Ed: [horrified] "And she inflicted more pain on us! Run away!" [He flashes back to the creamhorn incident.]

Edd: "Weren't we just here?" Eddy: "I think Ed just flashed us backwards or something." Ed: "You bet your sweet bippy I did." [He gets hit in the face with a bowling ball.] Eddy: "Hey, what'd I tell ya? Only I'm supposed to remember stuff!" Ed: [scared] "Run away! Face sucking bowling ball!" [he begins to run through previous flashbacks] Eddy: "Hey, Lumpy's got it right! He's rewinding us back to the start!" Edd: "Yes, well, just mind your speed, Ed." [the bowling ball falls off Ed's face] Ed: "Speed Ed? That's me!" [He runs too fast, putting them through numerous flashbacks.] Edd: "Ed! Wait!" [Edd and Eddy are left behind.]

''[The Eds are back in the cul-de-sac, but this one is much different. For starters, not all of the houses are complete. Not only that, but when the camera shifts to the Eds, they look incredibly young, with Ed even in a diaper.]'' Ed: "Where'd we go, Eddy?" Eddy: "How should I know? You're the idiot that–" [looks at himself] "Hey! What happened to me?" Edd: "This has definitely gone in the wrong direction, Eddy. Ed's flashed us back to the day I first met you two!" Eddy: "Check it out! It's my Bottomwess Ed scam! How did it go again?" [starting his schtick] "Be amazed, kid. Watch Bottomless Ed eat this humongous TV set!" [holds out jar] "For you, only a quarter." Edd: "Ha ha ha. Very funny, Eddy." Eddy: "C'mon, cough up." [when Edd refuses] "You gotta! It's part of the flashback." Edd: "I've already fallen for this once, thank you." ''[Eddy whispers something to Ed. Ed nods and goes off to do something.] "Now, let's get to the task at hand, and remember where this ridiculous journey began. Ed and I were at my house–" [a shadow falls over him] "–and I was demonstrating the marvels–" [camera pulls back to reveal Ed about to drop a house on Edd]'' "–of static electricity!" [The house falls on Edd.]

''[Ed runs back to the scam. Eddy goes up to the door and rings the doorbell.]'' Eddy: "When Sockhead comes to, he won't remember a thing. And he'll pay up just like the day we met." Ed: [chuckles, then stops] "But Eddy, how will we get back to where once from we were?" [Edd opens the door] Eddy: "Who cares? We're getting cash, buddy boy!" [notices the open door] "Look sharp!" Edd: "Salutations, gentlemen!" [holds out his hand to shake] "My family and I have just moved in, thank you." Eddy: "Hey Ed, get a load of the new kid on the block." Ed: "Where?" [looks around until Eddy points to Edd] "Oh! Welcome, new friend! My name's Ed." ''[He holds out his hand to shake. Flies are swarming around it.]'' Eddy: "And I'm Eddy." ''[He holds out his hand as well. His has a joy buzzer on it.]'' Edd: [sticking a glove on Ed's hand and only shaking Eddy's fingers] "Pleased to meet you! My name is Ed also, but with 2 D's." Eddy: "Gee, ain't that a coinkydink. We all have the same name!" [Ed starts laughing, and Eddy joins in shortly.] Edd: "Humorous indeed." Eddy: "Yeah yeah, whatever." [going into his spiel] "Be amazed, kid! Watch bottomless Ed eat this humongous TV set!" ''[While showing it off, his shirt gets caught on Ed's fork. Eddy doesn't notice.]'' "For you, only a quarter." Edd: [taking the bait] "I'll give you two, for it would be impossible for the human esophagus to manage such a feat." [He drops fifty cents in the jar.] Ed: "In your hat, bucko!" ''[Ed plunges his fork into the TV set. Eddy moves with the fork.]'' "Yum!" Eddy: [dimly understanding what's about to happen] "What the– Ed!" [Ed plunges the TV set and Eddy into his mouth and swallows them.] Edd: "Good lord! I'm going to be ill!" Eddy: [scared witless] "Remember something, stupid! Remember!"