Dear Ed/Script

''[Something akin to a flying saucer swoops over the grass. The camera zooms out, and we see that it is Edd, using a metal detector.]'' Eddy: [getting a ride from Ed] "Whoa, slow down, flathead! Where's the fire?" Ed: "Fire? AAAAH!" [He takes off.] Eddy: "No, Ed!" Ed: "I am melting, Eddy!" Eddy: "Ed! Aah!" Edd: [getting a signal from his metal detector] "The detector has detected something!" Ed: "I can't see, too much smoke!" Edd: "STOP!" ''[Ed stops just short of the detector. Eddy's face rams into the back of Ed's head.]'' Eddy: [dazed] "Granddad, you ran another stop sign." Edd: [kneeling on the grass] "I've marked the exact position of where to excavate." Ed: "Double D's legs are gone." Eddy: "No, Ed, he wants you to dig. Ready, Elephant Boy?" Edd: "Oh my." Ed: "Arf!" [He digs like a dog, tossing up dirt haphazardly.] Eddy: "You're an animal, Ed. I bet it's a new car! Or a buried bank heist!" Edd: [disgusted] "My Ed, you're talents are...endless, aren't they?" Ed: "I see something shiny, guys!" Eddy: "Jackpot! Let 'er rip!" [Ed reels in a long silver wire.] Eddy: "Finders keepers!" [Some of the lampposts lining the cul-de-sac are sucked into the ground.] "Go Ed go!" [The rest of the lampposts disappear.] Edd: "I think I'm gonna be sick." [Jimmy walks by, carrying Plank.] Eddy: "Is that Jimmy? And Plank?"

''[Jimmy walks up to a house, Plank dangling from his hand. Eddy suddenly appears in front of Jimmy.]'' Eddy: "Hiya, Jimmy boy!" Jimmy: [fearful] "Eddy!" Eddy: "Whatcha doin with Plank, huh? Did you steal it from Jonny? Did you? Huh?" Jimmy: [on the ground, scared] "Jonny and Plank had a horrible tiff! Jonny walked off in a huff! Abandoned, Plank was helpless, and I offered the hunk of wood a home!" Edd: "Oh dear! Jonny alone? Think of the pain! Separated from his his best friend. Isolated. Fortunately, I am surrounded by friends who respect the feel–" [Eddy, irritated, jams Ed's head into Edd's mouth.] Eddy: "Stuff it, Sockhead, we're wasting time." [gleeful] "Jonny is defenseless." Ed: [head still stuck in Edd's mouth] "Are you going to finish that cupcake, Double D?"

''[Jonny, morose, is sitting in the playground's sandbox. He has scratched out Plank's form in the sand and is completing the facial features. Suddenly, Ed tromps up and sits down opposite Jonny.]'' Jonny: "Boy, Ed, am I happy to see you! Wanna make a sand castle?" Ed: "Sit down and say hello, Jonny." Jonny: "Hello?" Ed: "Ask him how he is!" Jonny: "Huh?" Ed: "Um. Wait." Edd: [outlining words on a cue card] "How are you how are you!" Ed: "I'm fine. Well okay, a little hungry." [Jonny looks behind him, but Edd and Eddy duck in time not to be caught by him.] Ed: [reading a card when Jonny turns back to him] "Feeling alone?" Jonny: "Alone?" Ed: "No one to–" [Jonny moves his head into Ed's line of sight, and Ed has to shift to read the card] "–ha-have one-si-sided conver–" [Jonny shifts again] "–ver-versations with?" Jonny: [as his tears start to flow] "You read me like a map, Ed. Am I that obvious?" Ed: "Um, excuse me, Jonny." [He pushes Jonny out of the way to better read the cards.] "Meet a new friend. At Ed's Friend Store. And take Jonny there. Oh yeah." [Ed grabs Jonny to take him away.] Jonny: "Friend store?"

[Eddy finishes painting a face on a trashcan lid.] Eddy: "Hmm. What's Jonny see in this stuff, anyway?" Edd: "Well Eddy, Jonny's need to communicate with an inanimate object is quite normal, sometimes stemming from a lack of self-confidence or social phobias." Eddy: "What is he?" Ed: "Jonny's here!" [He plunks Jonny down next to the table.] "Do I get that cookie now?" Eddy: "Jonny boy! You look like you need a new friend. At Ed's Friend Store, your new friend is carefully chosen by our master matchmaker, buddy Double D! One lousy quarter, and we'll set you up with your ideal pal." Jonny: "I think I'll pay...after I'm happy with my ideal pal." Eddy: "What's with that?" Edd: "Jonny, after an extensive screening process, I've found your perfect match." [pulling out a traffic cone] "Bob, Jonny. Jonny, Bob." ''[Jonny gasps and retches. Bob only has one eye.]'' Eddy: "Whoops! Forgot the other eye." [He paints the right eye on.] Jonny: [uncovering his eyes] "Hello Bob." Bob: Jonny: "I like the shape of your head too." Eddy: "Well whaddya know! You're happy, I'm happy. Cough up the dough." Edd: "Eddy! Jonny shouldn't rush into a new relationship. They need to get better aquainted. This way please." Eddy: [annoyed] "C'mon, I'm trying to run a business here! Work with me!" Ed: [picking up Eddy and tucking him under his arm] "Eddy is my ideal pal. Soft and cuddly like mashed potatoes. Yum."

''[Jimmy is having a tea party with Plank. There is a great silence in the room, broken only by the ticking of the clock. Jimmy shifts his chair forward awkwardly.]'' Jimmy: "Pardon, did you say something?" ''[No reply comes, and Jimmy tugs at his shirt nervously. The party is NOT going well.]''

''[Bob and Jonny are about to play ping-pong. Jonny bounces the ball off his paddle a few times.]'' Jonny: [putting down his paddle] "Planet?" Bob: Jonny: "My head's not that big." Bob: Jonny: "My mama what? Oh, hi guys!" [Jonny is plainly relieved to not have to talk to Bob anymore.] [Ed carries a bench on which his two friends sit to the table so they can watch.] Edd: "You'll find ping-pong to be a great icebreaker, Jonny." Ed: "Not to mention a duck." Edd and Eddy: "Huh?" Ed: "What?" Edd: "Um..." Ed: "Who?" Eddy: "Huh?" Ed: "Um." Edd: "Ed." Ed: "Why?" [Edd and Eddy look at him oddly and then turn to the game.] Eddy: "Okay, Jonny, play ball!" Edd: "Your serve, Jonny." Jonny: "Oh, boy! Plank and I play this all the time!" [He serves the ball to Bob, and the ball comes screaming back, hitting him dead center in his forehead.] Eddy: [laughing] "Bob spiked it!" Ed: "Wow, Bob's good for a cone." Jonny: [embarrassed] "Did it leave a mark?" Edd: "Uh–" Jonny: "I don't like Bob." [Eddy abruptly stops laughing.] Eddy: "Uh oh." Edd: "Don't worry, Jonny. All relationships start with a strong foundation." Ed: "I live in a foundation, with all sorts of useless things Jonny would talk to." Eddy: [scheming once more] "Saved by the Ed." Ed: "Come, Eddy!" [He carries Edd, Eddy, and Jonny to his house.]

[Ed tumbles down the stairs that lead to his basement.] Jonny: [laughing] "Ed, you go down the stairs just like Plank!" Ed: [throwing open his door] "A friend for Jonny we need!" Jonny: "Ed, you gotta like your room!" Edd: "Oh dear, Jonny's in the denial stage." Ed: [tossing things out of his closet] "I got a friend for you, Jonny! Somewhere." Eddy: [ducking to avoid being hit] "Ed, you just missed my–" [A boot lands on Eddy's head like a hat.] Ed: "Ahoy!" Eddy: [muttering a threat] "Wait'll I get my hands on you–!" Edd: "Why Eddy, that's a perfect match for Jonny! Don't you think?" [The boot does indeed kind of look like it has eyes and a mouth.] Eddy: "Really?" [setting the boot on a stool, addressing Jonny] "Jonny! Meet Salty Sam." Jonny: "It looks a little crusty." Eddy: "Don't judge a book by its cover, Jonny! It's salty, and it's a boot! Knock yourself out!" [He and Edd exit.] Ed: "Hmm, now what did I come..." ''[He trails off. Ed is looking at a picture of himself as a baby.]'' "Aw, look!" Eddy: [from outside the room] "Ed!" Ed: "Huh? Uh, yes Eddy?" [He tosses the photo into his closet and gravitates towards his friends.] Eddy: "Get out here, willya? These two need some quality time." [He shuts the door on Jonny and Sam.] "Did you see the sparkle in Jonny's eyes? Stop me boys, I'm getting frilly!" [The sounds of a loud, angry tussle come from Ed's room.] Ed: "They're having fun!" Jonny: "Stop it Salty!" [The Eds peek in to find Jonny clutching a pipe on the ceiling.] Jonny: "He's mad I tell ya, mad! Oh my." [The boot is in the same position Eddy left it in.] Eddy: "What's with this guy?" Edd: "Jonny needs to pick his own friend." Eddy: [snapping his fingers] "Bingo!"

''[A sign tacked to Eddy's door reads "Cheep Frends For Life Inside!" Music is coming from Eddy's room.]'' Jonny: "Friends for life?" Edd: [knocking on the door] "Yes indeedy. Ooh, it sounds like the festivities have already begun." ''[The door opens, and we hear that the music is pumped incredibly high. Eddy stands just inside the door, dressed in full disco clothing.]'' Edd: [shouting over the music] "EDDY! THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD! YOU'RE DISRUPTING–" [Eddy turns the music down] "–THE FABRIC OF SUBURBAN LIVING!" [Edd realizes he's the one who is too loud and quickly stops yelling.] Eddy: [pulling Jonny inside] "C'mon, c'mon, lighten up Jonny. This shindig's all for you, Curly! Schmooze on into the party! Check out those cool friends." [Indeed, there are a bunch of inanimate objects with faces painted on them against one of the walls.] Jonny: "They're all staring at me!" Eddy: "With a head like yours, I'd stare too. Just follow Ed and Double D. They'll get this place a'cooking!" [to his friends in hushed tones] "Quit standing around! Get out there! Dance with something! Break the ice!" Edd: "This is not my strong suit." Ed: "I'm the ice-cream man." Eddy: [pushing Edd forward] "Move, Double D!" Edd: "Stop! No! Please!" Eddy: [giving him one last shove] "Do it for Jonny." Ed: [dancing with a plant] "What lovely leaves you have!" [He pulls them out.] "Oh, it's a wig. Sorry." Eddy: "Thataboy, Monobrow!" [to Jonny] "Ed's got a new friend." Jonny: [eyes filling with tears] "I...miss...Plank." Edd: "Dancing with a vase. Boy have I reached an all-time low." [Jonny slinks over to the side with the friends, depressed.] Jonny: "Would you, um uh, like to, uh uh, d-d-dance? With me?" [A ski stares back at him in silence.] Jonny: "Oh, okay. What?" [he stares at some different objects] "Who are you? Dance? No, I thought–no, I like you too! Oooh!" [The room wavers in front of him.] "Too many friends!" [His gaze falls on a chair with a face painted on it.] Eddy: [pulling Jonny away from the door as he tries to leave] "C'mon, party pooper, relax! Take a load off those sandals." [Eddy places Jonny in the chair.] "The party's just starting!" [Someone kicks the door open on top of Eddy.] Kevin: "Check it out, Rolf!" [He and Rolf enter.] Nazz: "Cool party. Check out the snacks." [She joins in.] Sarah: "Party?" [looking in] "Jimmy! Party!" [She runs in to celebrate.] Eddy: [dazed, trying to lift the door off of him] "Granddad?" [Jimmy stomps on the door, pushing Eddy back down.] Jimmy: "Someone point me to the DJ!" Rolf: [dancing] "Time for Rolf to show off his boog-a-loo." Jimmy: "Let's bust a move, Sarah! Whee!" ''[Jimmy tosses Plank away. Plank lands on one of the chairs leaned against the wall.]'' Jonny: "Plank?" Plank: Eddy: [worried about something] "Kevin! No! No!" Kevin: [looking at some records] "What is this stuff? Ha! So lame." [He tosses one away.] Eddy: "My records!" [Eddy dives for the tossed record, but the vinyl hits the floor and shatters before he can catch it.] "That's it. I want all of you–" Ed: [to a record] "Hello, can I have this dance?" Eddy: "Wait!" [Rolf grabs him.] Rolf: [dancing with Eddy] "Come! Boogaloo with Rolf! Show me where your mama lives! Fresh. Try this one, Eddy!" [He performs a complicated dance move which ends up with Eddy's head stuck in the ceiling.] Ed: [arms full of friends] "Swingin!" [Ed moves past the chairs, and Plank and Jonny each move one space closer.] Rolf: [at the head of a conga line] "Hang on tight! Cha cha cha!" Kevin: "Whoa! You're a machine!" Jimmy: "I've got goosebumps, Sarah!" [After the line passes, Jonny and Plank are sitting next to one another.] Plank: Jonny: "I'm sorry too, Plank. Let's go home." Eddy: [frantically to Edd] "It's out of control!" Edd: "Don't cut in, Eddy, it's rude." [Ed grabs the vase Edd was dancing with.] Ed: "Next! Get on board the Ed train!" [Ed's arms are completely filled with the friends.] Eddy: "Ed!" [Ed steps on a rolling pin he dropped.] Ed: "Call a doctor!" Edd and Eddy: [as the stuff falls] "Not cool not cool!"

[The disaster is over, and Eddy pushes his way to the top of the pile of destroyed stuff.] Eddy: "Outta my room! Out, out, out!" Rolf: [leaving] "I was born to be wild, but the cake was too small." Kevin: [trailing Rolf] "It was a dorkfest." Nazz: "I actually started to sweat. Me!" Eddy: [angry as Sarah blows a raspberry at him] "Outta here." Edd: [happy] "Well, Jonny found his friend." Eddy: "No way!" Edd: [pointing] "Look Eddy." [Jonny is walking off, Plank cradled in his arm.] Eddy: "Hey, Jonny! But...gimme my quarter!" [Something coming from his room catches Eddy's ear.] Jimmy: [dancing] "Do-weet do-weet! Everybody's doing it! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!" [Ed does the warm as the song gets into its groove.] Jimmy: "Do-weet do-weet! Do-weet do-weet! Do-weet do-weet!" [Eddy growls.] Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy. This is my song." [He joins Ed and Jimmy on the dance floor.] Eddy: [going with the flow] "If you can't beat 'em, show off!" [Eddy puts on sunglasses and joins the trio in the middle of his bedroom.] Eddy: "Let's mumbo!" [The four dance happily until Ed, getting a little too gracious with his hips, bashes the others away.] Ed: [to the melody] "In syncopated style!"