Once Upon an Ed/Script

[Jonny uses a rope and pulley system to carry him and Plank up to his room.] Jonny: "Race you to bed!" [Jonny and Plank dive into the bed and worm their way to the top.] Jonny: "Stop tickling me, Plank!" [Plank wins the race.] "You beat me again, you jackrabbit, you!" Plank: Jonny: "You want a bedtime story? Okay! Let's read this one! Conrad the Lonely Stump." Plank: Jonny: "Ticky Packford had a farm and on the farm was a lonely stump." ''[Creaking noises suddenly come from the walls all around them. Jonny knocks on a section and it knocks back.]'' Jonny: "Did you hear that, Plank? We got wood weasels!" [A section of the wall crumbles, revealing something yellow.] Ed: "Who's there?" [More gives way to reveal Edd.] Edd: "Oh boy my leg's caught!" [More wall breaks in order to reveal Eddy.] Eddy: "Get out of the way, make room!" Edd: "I think I'm sitting on a nail." Ed: "My turn!" Jonny: "Hey...how'd you get inside my wall?" Plank: Jonny: "What's that?" Plank: Jonny: "Plank says take a hike or we'll call the cops!" Eddy: "Hey Plank, ever take a tour of a toothpick factory?" Edd: "Eddy, manners! Assess the situation. Jonny deserves an explanation. Now, if someone could just redirect their foot, I'd be happy to tell Jonny the story." Jonny: "We're getting a new bedtime story, Plank! Woohoo!" Edd: "Well, let's see now. The story begins–" Eddy: "Oh come on! Ed's drooling on my head!" Edd: "There's an art to storytelling, Eddy. One must use a pallet of words, to paint images, blend sentences, and use them in an interesting way." Ed: "Boring!" Jonny: "Yeah, boring!" Eddy: "See? Jonny's got your number Double D. Let me tell you the story, Jonny boy!" ''[Eddy focuses on a picture of a flower hanging over Jonny's bed. The flower becomes real and the story begins.]''

''[A white shoe lands on the flower. It's Eddy, dressed sharply in a white suit and white top hat.]'' Eddy: "I was strolling down the sidewalk, same old, nothing special, when Kevin rides up and says:" Dream Kevin: "Excuse me, Mr. Eddy, nice day for a walk, isn't it sir?" [Kevin is very monkeylike, with large ears, an apelike nose, and fur sprouting all over his body.] Eddy: "And I say: Hey Kev, is that a flat tire you got there? He looks down, and bam!" [In the dream, Kevin rides into a tree.] Eddy: "What a sap!" Dream Kevin: "Good one, Mr. Eddy! Ha-HI'm such a dork!"

''[Eddy comes to the gates of a palatial estate. These are guarded by two statues of golden roaring Eddys. The doors swing open, reveal a bunch of golden statues depicting how rich Eddy is.]'' Eddy: "With that, I figured I'd take a shortcut through my lavish estate and pop in on my jawbreaker back. Just to rush the help."

[In the bank, Rolf hands over a jawbreaker, and Edd gives him a deposit sheet.] Dream Edd: "Please sign on the dotted line, Rolf. Thank you." ''[Rolf stands up. In this dream, he is incredibly thin, and his head is about as wide as the rest of his body.]'' Dream Rolf: "Take care of my jawbreaker, as I am a simpleton, yes?" Dream Edd: "You're welcome!" [Ed, the stamper, slams his head down on the paper, stamping it with the bank's seal: Eddy's face with "Okay By Me" written around it.] Dream Ed: "I am a lump." [Eddy throws open the doors to the bank.] Eddy: "Greetings, citizens!" ''[The kids smile and wave. Jimmy is wearing a more complex retainer and a diaper, Nazz is in a swimsuit, and Sarah is dressed normally.]'' Dream Jimmy: [enchanted] "He's so self-absorbed." Eddy: "My public." [He strides forward proudly.] Dream Jimmy: [running up with Sarah] "Mr. Eddy, Mr. Eddy! Is that a new suit?" Dream Sarah: "Can I touch it, huh, can I?" [Eddy swats them away.] Dream Edd: [deferential] "Good day, Mr. Eddy! It's me, Double D! How are you today, sir?" Eddy: "Get to work, slacker." Dream Edd: "Yes indeedy. No shirking in this department, not here." Eddy: [through the intercom] "I'm about to speak. Since I'm executive president and owner of the International Bank of Jawbreakers, Inc., drop your jawbreakers and get lost! The bank's closed! But hey, don't forget to come back tomorrow, 'cause I love ya." ''[Eddy winks. Ed and Edd struggle to close the doors but manage it, although several arms wiggle through the crack.]''

[A giant golden bank vault is seen.] Eddy: "Once I got rid of the commoners, it was time to check on the stash." ''[Edd works the tumblers on a lock until it opens. Ed puts his head into a giant keyhole and turns. The door creaks open to reveal a giant stash of jawbreakers from all over the world. Eddy laughs like a maniac.]'' Dream Edd: "Mr. Eddy, shall I begin the inventory?" Eddy: "Get on with it. Slouch. Ed, top floor, pronto." Dream Ed: "Watch your step, Mr. Eddy." [His neck extends, elevating Eddy.] Eddy: "C'mon, c'mon. That's the one, Ed. Japan flavor." ''[He eagerly plucks a jawbreaker from the Japan section. Ed reaches his tongue out to lick it.]'' "Ed! You're an employee!" [He swats the tongue away.] Dream Edd: "Agony, agony! As many times as I've gone over these numbers, they don't add up!" Eddy: "You've obviously made a mistake in the correlation of the sum of the revenues and the square root, minus a piece of pie." Dream Edd: "What was I thinking? You're a genius, Mr. Eddy!" [He kneels to kiss Eddy's shoe.]

[We fade back to the real world.] Edd: "The square root of a piece of pie?" Eddy: "What?" Edd: "Pure fiction, Eddy! Your exaggerated tale could only be described as cockamamie!" Ed: "Tsk tsk tsk. I have never heard such language." Jonny: "Don't stop now! What happened next? What happened next?" Edd: "Control yourself, Jonny! Continuing from where Eddy left off, this discomfort began with Jimmy's arrival at my correctly designed Jawbreaker Bank."

''[We enter Edd's dream world. Everything is measured, even the sky, and the fences are white. In fact, everything here, even the dirt, looks cleaner and nicer. Edd is polishing the counter at a Bank of Jawbreakers.]'' Edd: "Oh, happy day! A customer!" Dream Eddy: "A pigeon! Get him! Grab the jawbreaker! Take it! It's mine!" Edd: "How mortifying. Good day, Jimmy! Don't we look special. Care to show me your unbridled smile?" [Jimmy smiles.] "Impeccable." [Jimmy is his normal self except he has no retainer at all.] Dream Jimmy: "I'd like to make a deposit." Edd: "At Edd's Jawbreaker Bank, we pride our–" Dream Eddy: [slobbering] "Gimme the jawbreaker! Jimmy's a sucker! Take it from him, it's mine!" Edd: "It's rude to interrupt, Eddy!" [to Jimmy] "Where was I? We pride ourselves on customer satisfaction and–" [Ed is drooling on the jawbreaker.] "Ed." [Edd pulls Ed back and wipes his mouth.] "My apologies, Jimmy, but Ed can't control himself sometimes. Lovable oaf." Dream Eddy: [salivating] "Lemme have it! So that I can put it in our jawbreaker vault?" Edd: "I see signs of progress, Eddy." ''[Edd's eyes bulge. Eddy has grabbed the jawbreaker and stuffed it in his mouth along with Jimmy's hands.]'' Dream Jimmy: "My hands! My jawbreaker! Eddy germs!" [Jimmy pulls the candy loose and runs away.] "Help! Sarah! Help me! I'm so delicate!" [Ed and Eddy give chase.] Edd: "WHAT'RE YA DOING?!?!?" [Ed and Eddy stop and come back to Edd, cowering pitifully.] Edd: "I hope you're proud of yourselves. You've driven away another customer! It's baffling, I tell you! You're deep rooted lack of self-control only fosters failure in every endeavor we undertake! I mean, it's always one step forward and two steps back! Why? Don't you see the example I try to set for you? Take note, as I am a–" Eddy: "Stupid sockhead, and a babbling dweeb who can't lift a butterfly." [Edd transforms into these things in the dream, and then it ends.]

Eddy: "I wish I was as good-looking as Eddy." Jonny: "Boy, this story stinks. Plank and I want a real story, with stuff like octopus' gardens, silver hammers, and Mr. Kite!" Eddy: "Open a window Jonny, and get some air." Ed: "And so it went! Little did Ed Edd and Eddy know that–"

''[Ed's dream begins. Everything but the characters is in black and white, and we are viewing the Kankers' trailer.]'' Ed: "–deep within the intestines of the trailer park, the Kanker Sisters were planning to foil the brave Eds' attempts with over-radiated mashed potatoes. Slowly, one by one, they would devour the tainted spuds!" ''[The Kankers do this and begin to mutate. Before we can see their new form, the camera cuts to the Eds.]''

Dream Edd: "Blah, blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah! Yap yap, blah blah, drivel drivel drivel!" [The earth shakes.] Dream Eddy: "Hey, what's going on?" Dream Edd: "Yappity Yap yap!" Dream Rolf: [shaking Edd] "Something big, Ed-boy. Gather your inadequate friends and flee! Flee in the name of Lance the rhubarb!" Dream Kevin: [riding by] "I'm dorking, man!" ''[Nazz points at the sky and giggles nervously. Jimmy and Sarah run past.]'' Dream Jimmy: "Oh, my legs." [He falls down.] "I can't go on. Goodbye, cruel world!" [Sarah tries to pull him.] Dream Sarah: "Come on, Jimmy, you can do it!" [A giant foot lands on them.] Ed: "BABY SISTER!" ''[Lee Kanker laughs maniacally. She stands about fifty feet tall as she stares down at the Eds.]'' Eddy: "Your time has come, Kanker!" [He scrambles to avoid being crushed.] ''[Marie chases them. The Eds head for houses, but each time she uses a magical chicken to turn the houses into hygiene products.]'' Ed: "Evil soap!" [at another house] "Deodorant!" [Marie laughs and fires away.] Edd: "Blah blah blah!" Eddy: "Quick! In here!" ''[He tries to enter a house, but runs into a huge eyeball. The house rises to reveal May.]'' "Kanker!" Edd: "Yap yap!" ''[Lee blows a kiss at the Eds. It impacts in front of them. Three more land all around the Eds.]'' Edd: "Yap yap yap!" Eddy: "Kankers!" ''[Eddy holds a trashcan lid like a shield. The Kankers mash their heads together, creating a three-eyed, one-headed, three-bodied monster.]'' Eddy: "Ed, your story's getting weird." ''[The sisters blow a giant kiss. It knocks the Eds backwards in a heap. When they look up, the Kankers have separated and have surrounded them.]'' Eddy: "I'm a minor, stop!" Edd: "Blah blah blah!" Ed: [standing up] "Now it's my turn!" ''[Through some unexplained means, Ed starts flying. The Kankers chase, brandishing a flyswatter.]'' Eddy: "Kankers!" Edd: "Yap!" ''[A lucky blow catches Ed's rear. He spirals down to earth, and the Eds plow up plenty of dirt when they land. They end up less than a yard away from a mousehole in the side of a house.]'' Eddy: [dazed] "Kankers?" [spotting them] "Kankers!" Ed: "We have found shelter!" [He pushes his friends into the hole.] "All right!" [Ed wiggles in with his friends.]

Ed: "And stuck in your wall we are. The end." Edd: "Gracious, Ed, what an enchanted world you live in." Eddy: "I got a cramp listening to you. Okay, Jonny, there's your story. Now how's about prying us out of your wall?" [Jonny is fast asleep.] Ed: "Ssh! He is sleeping." Eddy: "Way to go, Hemingway! It was your part that put him to sleep." [The house moans.] Edd: "What was that? Did you hear it?" [The house creaks again.] "I don't have a good feeling about this." Ed: "I don't have any feeling at all." ''[Part of the wall opposite the Eds crumbles away, and a saw pokes out. The saw moves in a circle, and a hole appears. The Kankers peer out.]'' The Kankers: "Hiya boys!" Lee: "What's good-lookin' guys like you doin' in a place like this?" Edd and Eddy: "IT'S A NEVER-ENDING STORY!!!" Eddy: "Jonny, wake up! Get a crowbar, quick!" ''[Jonny rolls over. Eddy looks across the way to see the Kankers' hole is empty.]'' Eddy: "Where'd they go?" Edd: "I don't know! I was looking at Jonny!" Ed: "My underwear's riding high, guys!" ''[Three cracks appear in the Eds' wall, heading for the hole. Suddenly, Ed is pulled away.]'' Ed: "Eddy!" Edd: "Oh my." [He disappears.] Eddy: "Mommy!" Marie: "Come to Mama!" May: "Gimme a piece of that!" Eddy: "Jonny, help!" Ed: "Ickle ickle!" Edd: "No stop wait!" [The Kankers laugh.]