A Boy and His Ed/Script

[Edd and Eddy are rushing down the lane, carrying a door on their backs.] Ed: "Dig a hole, dig a hole." [He dumps a cupful of dirt on a pile of the stuff.] "Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole." [There is a huge trench stretching across the lane.] Eddy: "Hey Hole-boy!" Edd: "Careful, we're about to drop the–" Eddy: "Door!" [He drops it, creating a bridge across the trench.] "Perfect fit. Sarah'll never miss it." [Eddy walks across the bridge.]

Eddy: [looking over a fence, holding a hose] "Ready, Double D?" Edd: "Ready when you are, Eddy." ''[Edd begins to turn a crank attached to the bridge, lifting it. Eddy sucks on the end of the hose. Soon enough, water comes out, and he uses it to fill the ditch.]'' Eddy: "We're gonna be rich, I tell ya." ''[The hose leads to a kiddie pool in which Sarah and Jimmy are playing. It sucks out all the water.]'' Jimmy: "Sarah, I think we sprung a leak." Sarah: "ED!" Ed: "That sounded like Sarah." Eddy: "Nah, it was a truck backfiring." Edd: "Look, it's working!" [The moat is indeed filling.] Eddy: "See? Everyone will have to cross our toll moat to get to the lane! Brings tears to your eyes, don't it?" Ed: [knocking on the door and entering] "The door works!" [He steps into the moat.] Eddy: "Ed! Your sponge brain'll soak up all the water!" ''[Ed swims underwater. He finds the hose, which as he watches, spits out Jimmy's swim trunks. He surfaces, trunks on his head.]'' Eddy: "Well if it ain't the ugly duckling." Ed: [attempting to chomp Eddy] "I'm a crocodile, Eddy." Edd: "Kevin approaches!" [Kevin comes down the lane, a huge box in his arms.] Eddy: "Greetings, weary traveler! For a small toll, you can cross the moat." Kevin: "Yeah, right. I'm just here to–" Eddy: [sticking the bowl in his face] "Only fifty cents! And we'll lower the bridge to the land of the lane." Kevin: "I was gonna give you guys something." [He pushes the pole back across.] Eddy: "Hit the road! I've heard that one before." Kevin: "You've probably heard this one before, too: Dork!" [He leaves.] Edd: "I think Kevin was really gonna give us something, Eddy." Eddy: "Yeah. Lip."

[Jonny and Plank come down the lane, each sucking on a jawbreaker.] Jonny: "Aren't these jawbreakers good, Plank?" [He almost steps into the moat; he is able to keep his balance, however, and get back to dry land.] Ed: "I'm a croco–" [the door slams down on him] " –dile. " Eddy: [on the other side of the moat] "Hey, Jonny. Where'd you get that jawbreaker, hmm?" Jonny: "Kevin just gave Plank and me one for free! Isn't that right, Plank?" [The Eds beat it down the lane, looking for Kevin.] Eddy: "Quick! We gotta find Kevin!" [They come upon Sarah and Jimmy, still in swimsuits, but with jawbreakers in their mouths.] Eddy: "Where'd you get those jawbreakers?" Sarah: "Kevin gave them to us." Jimmy: "He's got a whole box." Sarah: "Didn't you get one?" Jimmy: "Mmm! They're so good!" Eddy: "A whole box?" [shaking his friends] "A WHOLE BOX! FREE JAWBREAKERS!"

[Rolf is sucking on a jawbreaker and placing a stamp on a fish.] Rolf: "My mother and father insist our relatives will have fresh fish for dinner." ''[Rolf drops the fish in the mailbox. He then pulls another jawbreaker from his pocket and begins sucking two at once. The Eds run into him.]'' Rolf: "Ed-boys, why are you in such a hurry?" Eddy: "Rolf, where's Kevin?" Edd: "He has a whole box of jawbreakers!" Ed: "And I'm Ed." Rolf: "Ya, Kevin's father has a new job at the jawbreaker factory. His garage is full of jawbreakers, and he's giving them out for free." The Eds: "FREE JAWBREAKERS!" Eddy: "A garageful!"

[Nazz and Kevin are in Nazz's backyard.] Kevin: "...anyways, I thought you might like this." [He hands her a jawbreaker.] Eddy: "Kevin! We'll take three." Kevin: "Too late, all gone." [he tosses the box to them] "Losers." Ed: "A free box." [He climbs in.] "Hello, where did everybody go? Guys?" Eddy: "Rolf said that Kevin's garage is full of jawbreakers." [running for Kevin's house] "C'mon, guys, the motherlode awaits!" Edd: "Hurry, Ed!" Ed: "Anyone got a breath mint?"

''[The Eds are in a tree, spying on Kevin. Kevin goes into his house, and the Eds head for the garage window.]'' The Eds: [transfixed] "Cool." Edd: "This is absolutely incredible." Ed: "I've never seen so many jawbreakers!" Eddy: "It's not fair. I've gotta have one!" [He goes around the side of the house and tries to open the garage door.] "One lousy candy-coated–what's with this door!?!" Ed: "If only I brought my Anti-Gravity Despectilizer to repixel the hot-and-cold tumbler on that lock." Edd: "Earth to Ed?" Eddy: "What are we gonna do?" Edd: "I'm sure if we learned more about Kevin he'd be more than happy to share his jawbreakers." Eddy: [incredulous] "Be Kevin's friends? We have a better chance of Ed growing a chin!" Ed: "I wish I had four stomachs."

[A school bell rings.] Edd: "Good day, class." [Edd has drawn Kevin on a chalkboard.] "Our subject for today is Kevin. Kevin is a young man, filled with contradictions, and a garage full of jawbreakers. If we look at this graph, you'll see the evolution of the is not consistent to normal lineage. It's a bit–" ''[Edd continues in the background. While Edd is talking, Eddy taps Ed on the shoulder farthest from him. When Ed looks in that direction, Eddy throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him. Ed retaliates by throwing a notepad at Eddy.]'' Edd: "Ed!" [Ed stops laughing.] "I seem to be boring you. Why don't you tell us about Kevin?" Eddy: "Yeah, Ed. Tell us." [Ed sits at his desk, speechless.] Edd: "Just as I thought. May I continue?" Ed: "Ooh! I have a question, Double D!" Edd: "Yes Ed?" Ed: "Is it naptime?" Edd: [the board is filled with charts and diagrams] "I'm afraid we have much to discuss. You'll have to wait until after class." Ed: "For what?" Eddy: "Forget this! We're wasting time! Let's just go take the jawbreakers!" Edd: "I anticipated your plans, Eddy. However, stealing has dire consequences." [He points to a drawing of Eddy in jail.] "Using the versatile medium of peat moss, I have constructed a life-size replica of Kevin! I believe it's quite accurate." [Spitballs splatter the statue.] Eddy: "Not bad, huh burrhead?" ''[Ed puts a book in his mouth and chews it to pulp. He then tries to blow it through a straw, in which it gets wedged halfway through.]'' Ed: "Oh no. My brain came out!" Eddy: "That's too big to be your brain." Edd: "Can I resume the lesson?" [after a brief pause] "Now, what's the first thing you notice about Kevin here?" Eddy: "His chin is almost as big as yours?" Edd: "Um, no I was trying to indicate the um, uh, the–" [He pulls his shirt up to try and hide his chin.] Eddy: "Those three stupid hairs on his head?" Edd: "No, Eddy, his clothes, his clothes!"

[The Eds are riding their bike, wearing clothes identical to Kevin's.] Edd: "Clothes are a social uniform showing Kevin we're team players." Eddy: "This handlebar's killing me." Ed: "There he is!" [Kevin is riding his bike as well.] Eddy: "Kevin! How nice to see you!" [Kevin speeds up and leaves them behind.] "Guess he didn't see us." [Eddy pulls out Ed's tongue.] "Wait up, Kev!" ''[Eddy loops the tongue into a lasso, which catches on the back of Kevin's bike. Kevin, seeing this, puts on more speed, dragging the Eds behind. Eventually the Eds have to ditch the bike and are dragged along the ground.]'' Eddy: [growing desperate] "Kev, wait up!" Kevin: [stopping] "Sure thing, buddy!" ''[The Eds fly into the air and hit a pole. Ed's loose tongue wraps around them and ties them to it.]''

''[Kevin's house is silent. Suddenly, Eddy (face painted purple, with a K on his torso) blows an air horn.]'' Eddy: "Kevin, Kevin, he's our man," Edd: "We can't do it," Eddy: "But Kevin sure can!" ''[The Eds proceed to make noise. Ed and Eddy walk offstage. Ed comes back, carrying two trashcan lids. He opens them to reveal Eddy.]'' The Eds: "Rah, Kevin!" ''[Ed drops his pants to reveal "in" written on his undies. Edd holds up a sign read int "ev." Recognizing their mistake, Edd moves the ev sign to between Ed and Eddy. Kevin, not impressed, holds up a sign reading "Dorks."]''

[Kevin is cleaning the chimney.] The Eds: "Hi, Kevin!" Ed: "Hey!" Eddy: "What's up, pal?" Kevin: "I'm cleaning the chimney." Eddy: "Why not let us handle that, old buddy?" Kevin: "Right. Why not?" Eddy: "Like I always say, what are friends for?" Kevin: [handing over the broom] "Yeah, friend. Later, friends." [He leaves.] ''[Eddy looks at the chimney sweep grumpily. He then tosses it over his shoulder. Ed is then seen strapped to a board, wearing a clown wig.]'' Eddy: "This'll just cement our friendship with Kevin, and he'll be pouring jawbreakers at us!" Edd: "Watch your step, Eddy." [The Eds are on top of the chimney, ready to plunge Ed down.] Eddy: "Ready, Ed?" Ed: "And square!" [Edd and Eddy start using Ed to clean the chimney.] "Hey, guys? My nose tickles." [He sneezes, blowing Edd and Eddy off their perch.] Edd: "Not good, not good!" Eddy: "Quick, let's pull him out!" [Ed sneezes again, and the wall of the house falls off.]

[Kevin's living room is covered in black soot.] Edd: "Look at me, I'm filthy!" Ed: "Kevin got our jawbreakers?" Eddy: [to a steamed Kevin] "Just a slight problem. We'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy." Kevin: "I'll clean you. DORKS!" [He begins to chase them.] "Hey, quit running, pal. Old friend. Buddies." [giving up the chase] "AMIGOS!"

Eddy: [in the lane] "THAT WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME." Edd: "Perhaps if we apologized–" Eddy: "FORGET IT!" [taking off his cap] "It's time we put matters into my hands." Ed: "Can I keep this wig?"

[A hole is being dug next to Kevin's house.] Ed: "Dig a hole dig a hole dig a hole." Edd: "According to my calculations, we are directly under the boxes of mouthwatering candied spheres." Eddy: "You heard him, Ed. Go, baby, go!" Ed: "Dig a hole dig a hole dig a hole." ''[He breaks the surface and comes out. His friends follow.]'' "Kevin's got a pretty fancy garage." Edd: "Must be a built in car wash." [He is staring at a showerhead.] Kevin: "What are you dorks doing here?" ''[He is naked, save his hat. It is apparent that he's taking a bath and that the Eds have just tunneled into his bathtub.]'' Eddy: "Hey, Kev! Let me help you with that." [He uses a soapbrush on Kevin, who growls.] Edd: "Um, Eddy?" [Kevin continues to growl.] Ed: "Could you please pass the soap?" [Kevin leaps out of the bath.] Eddy: "I guess a jawbreaker's out of the question?" [Kevin pulls the plug.] Kevin: "Dorks!" [The Eds circle the drain and are swept down it.]