Cleanliness Is Next to Edness/Script

''[Edd is sleeping soundly when a shoe flies in through the window. It bounces around the room and hits him on the head. He gets up and goes to the window. Beneath the window stand his friends.]'' Eddy: "Hey! Rip Van Winkle! Get cracking, willya, we're late for school!" Ed: "An early bird catches the peanut, Double D!" Edd: "School? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, gentlemen, but today's Saturday?" Eddy: "Saturday? Ed, you dolt, you woke me up for school on a Saturday?" Ed: "It wasn't my fault, Eddy! My belly told me it was bottomless gravy day in the cafeteria. Bad belly!" [He spanks it.] "Bad!" [Eddy grabs the swatter and brings it down on Ed's head repeatedly.] Eddy: "Your head's bottomless!" Ed: "Belly bad, Eddy!" Eddy: [chasing him] "C'mere, you little–" Ed: "Belly!" Edd: "Lovable oaf. Oh well. Best begin my day, I suppose." ''[Edd walks to his closet. There, he selects various showering materials, including a bathrobe, a shower cap, some soap, and a loofah. The last thing he picks is his Saturday hat. He exits his room happily.]'' Edd: "And last but not least, the shower. Oh, how I adore its sprinkling splendor. Its cascading cleansing. Its splendored serenade. An imperative step to each and every day." ''[Edd opens the door and has to clutch to the doorknob to keep from falling. Somehow, his bathroom has disappeared.]'' Edd: "MY BATHROOM! Demolished! Dismembered! Disintegrated!" [He notices a note.] "Sticky note." [reading it] "Dear Eddward, the shower is out of order due to renovations? Have a nice day, love Mother and Father." [He looks back at his bathroom.] "Oh dear!"

[Eddy throws Ed out his bedroom window.] Eddy: "Scram, Ed!" [He slams the window and heads back to bed.] Ed: [face against the window] "It was a lie, Eddy! It wasn't my fault!" Eddy: "Zip it!" [He tapes a copy of Jiggy Jiggy over Ed's face, and Ed smiles.] "Weekend wrecker." Edd: "Of all the inconsiderate!" [Edd is in Eddy's room now.] "Without even a word, Mother and Father, in all their wisdom, felt it necessary to renovate our bathroom! I ask you! Do I even exist?" Ed: [opening the door] "Eddy! The belly is evil, the belly is cruel!" [Eddy throws his alarm clock at Ed.] Edd: "Eddy, I know this may be difficult and normally I wouldn't ask this of you, but, may I use your shower? I took the liberty of bringing my own toiletries. Mind you, I will require a clean towel, preferably cotton as poly-blends irritate my skin."

[Ed is scratching at the door like a dog, when it suddenly slides open and Edd is tossed out.] Eddy: "Hit the road!" [Edd lands in some leaves.] "Windbag." [Eddy closes the door again.] Ed: "Did your belly lie too, Double D?" Edd: [dusting himself off] "Not to be rude, Ed, but I desperately need to find a shower. Oh, messy messy messy." Ed: "Eddy?"

''[Edd walks down the street. He trips over a sign and lands in a mud puddle.]'' Edd: "Oh, for heaven's sake–" [He reads the sign.] "Le Jimmy's Beauty Salon? How fortuitous!" [He looks to the salon.] "Jimmy's a young man of upstanding hygenic caliber!"

[In the salon, Jimmy is working on Jonny.] Jimmy: "Vuelah!" Jonny: "I feel weird." [He checks the hairstyle in the mirror.] "Hmm...WOWZERS! That sure looks snazzy, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Don't play to me. Now sit still, you're ruining my vision of you." Sarah: [at the reception desk] "Welcome to Le Jimmy's, where we have the comb and you don't. We have duct-tape waxing, a Le Jimmy specialty. Ketchup and mustard manicures, and spaghetti relaxation baths." Jonny: "Rock and roll, huh Plank!" Edd: "Yes, well, this all sounds very luxurious, Sarah. But all I require today is a shower." Sarah: "Is that right?" [She flips through a coloring book.] "Le Jimmy's has an opening in three weeks." Edd: "THREE WEEKS! Oh nonononono, I'm afraid you don't understand. I need a shower immediately!" [Edd tries to run past the receptionist, but she hauls him back.] Sarah: "Three weeks, bub. Take it or leave it!" Edd: "Um, okay Sarah, you've, um, certainly made your point, yes indeedy." [He surreptitiously glues Sarah to the ground.] "With that, um, I'll be sure to, cooperate fully? Yes?" [He runs away.] "Showershowershower!" Sarah: "HEY!" [She tries to chase him, but can't, as she is glued.] [Jimmy is using hairspray on Jonny.] Edd: "Jimmy, I beseech you, I need–" [The hairspray gets in his mouth and he coughs.] "–a favor! All I ask for is a shower! Find it in your heart, lad! At this very moment, there are millions of dead skin cells immeshed under the threads of my robe!" Jimmy: "Go away." [He resumes with the hairspray.] Edd: "STOP THAT!" [He yanks the can away.] "Please forgive me, I'm not myself." [Edd tosses the can off, and it lands on Sarah's head.] Jimmy: "You hit Sarah in cold blood. DON'T HURT ME!" ''[Jimmy turns to run and slams into his cabinet of treatments. The cabinet topples and falls onto Edd and Jonny.]'' Jonny: "Is Le Jimmy's a scream or what?" Edd: "Jonny, may I use your shower?" Jonny: "Nope!" Jimmy: "They've ruined my salon, Sarah!" [He dumps water on Sarah, waking her up.] Edd: [examining himself] "Look at me! Is a shower too much to ask?" ''[Sarah growls. She is dragging the concrete with her as she advances on Edd. Jonny luxuriates with Plank.]'' Jonny: "You're on, buddy! I'll take the dirty kid for a quarter!" [Edd flies out of the house and hits a dumpster.]

''[A miserable Edd is walking in the lane. He stops upon hearing a tune.]'' Edd: "Rolf! Finally someone who will understand my plight!" [Edd approaches Rolf.] Edd: "Someone who can sympathize with the soiled suffering I've endured!" [Edd tries to get Rolf's attention.] Edd: "Um, Rolf? Excuse me? A moment of your time? Can I trouble you for the use of your shower!? So I can start my day on the right foot?" [Edd gingerly steps into the soil Rolf is tilling.] Edd: "ROLF!" [His robe gets caught in the machine.] "Oh dear. Rolf, stop!" ''[Edd shoots off and lands in a bunch of black glop. Rolf pulls some potatoes out of his ears and examines them.]'' Rolf: "Aah, too early, yes? The fermenting has yet to begin." [He puts the potatoes back in.] ''[We now see Edd. He is drowning in the glop which is behind three cows. It is pretty obvious what the glop is. Edd makes his way to the lane and falls there.]'' Edd: [crying] "The God of Human Kindness has abandoned me!" [going insane] "Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower."

''[Edd has worked his way down the lane. The word "Shower" is written in filth along the fenceboards.]'' Edd: "Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower. Shower shower shower!" [Edd's eye twitches, and his image of himself shatters.]

''[A crazed Edd picks up a trash can and dumps the refuge over him. He then proceeds to wallow in it.]'' Edd: "Greetings, microorganisms. Hop aboard! Welcome, bacteria! Oh, happy day!" [Edd places a fish's head over his head.] Voice: "Eddward!" [Edd turns and faces a hallucination of himself; this hallucination is clean.] Hallucination: "What are you doing?" Edd: "Dive in, oh vision of my former self! There is more than enough filth to go around." Hallucination: "I'll have nothing to do with your self-degradation, thank you, as I stand for cleanliness. Moral fiber. And all that is decent and neatly folded." [Edd pours rotten milk into his pants.] Edd: "Wikkedy doo dah." Hallucination: [upset] "Stop it, stop it, stop it! Get a grip on yourself, mister!" [The head slides down Edd's body.] "That's disgusting!" Edd: [leaning in] "May I use your shower?" [His rotten breath wafts up to the hallucination.] Hallucination: "Good lord! Stinky, stinky, stinky!" [The hallucination disappears.] Edd: "No shower for me!"

''[Nazz hauls a trashcan to the curb. Edd runs down the street and grabs the bag.]'' Edd: "For me? You shouldn't have." [Edd rips the bag open and dumps the waste out on his head.] Nazz: [pinching her nose] "Double D? Is that you?" Edd: "No. Not really." Nazz: "No offense dude, but you could really use a shower. Let's get you a washcloth, okay?" [Nazz leads him up her driveway into her house.] Edd: "A sh-shower?" [Edd walks on laid-out newspapers that lead to her bathroom.] Nazz: "The bathroom's through here. See?" [In front of Edd lies a bathroom so clean, sleek, and shiny that even his former self could find no fault within.] Edd: [approaching the shower] "A radiant angel has smiled down upon me!" Nazz: "Whatever." [She pulls the curtains apart, and Edd's eyes bulge.] "Here you go. And don't forget to wash behind your ears." ''[Nazz leaves, and we get to see the shower. Strung up along it are various feminine undergarments. Edd knows that he cannot shower here, even though it is a perfect bathroom otherwise. This, for him, is Hell.]''

[Eddy walks out of his shower, ready to start the day.] Eddy: "Oh yeah, baby, nothing like a shower to get you ready for a new day. What the–" ''[Eddy goes over to the window and lifts the magazine. Outside, Ed is filling a tub with water from a hose.]'' Ed: "Look what I found on Nazz's lawn, Eddy!" [He gestures to the dirt pile formerly known as Edd.] "It looks a lot like Double D." ''[Eddy sniggers and runs outside. He is about to mock when the scent reaches his nostrils.]'' Eddy: "Pee-yew! You reek, Sockhead." Ed: "He smells worser than the sandwich under my bed, Eddy!" Eddy: "You got that right, Lumpy! More like your three-month-old gym socks." [Ed has his nose pinched.] Ed: "Oh, like my head on a rainy day, huh Eddy?" Edd: "Ha ha, very funny. Can we get on with this, please?" ''[Ed picks up Edd and drops him into the tub. The water almost immediately turns into sludge.]'' Ed: [pulling out a grater] "Let's get that custard out of your belly button, mister!" [Edd shivers as Ed approaches.] Eddy: "Wait a minute, Ed. Lemme go get a camera!" [He laughs.]