Fa-La-La-La-Ed/Script

[Ed and Eddy walk from one room into another, snickering all the way.] Edd: "We're not allowed to play up here, fellas!" [His friends sneak into another room, but he doesn't see them.] Edd: "I repeat, upstairs is off limits!" [A breaking sound is heard.] Edd: "This is not good." [He flings a door open, a hand over his eyes.] "You're trespassing in my parents' bedroom! Please leave now or I'll have to call an attorney!" Eddy: [imitating Edd's mother] "Eddward! Must your father and I remind you to finish your homework?" Ed: [as Edd's father] "That is right, son, a mind is a terrible organ to shovel." Edd: "HAVE YOU GONE MAD?" [He attempts to pull Ed from the bed.] "My blood sugar seems a tad low." [Eddy snickers.] Edd: "EDDY, YOU'RE CONTAMINATING MOTHER'S LINEN WITH MILLIONS OF DEAD SKIN CELLS!" [Eddy dives beneath the sheets.] "If you only knew the regiment of cleaning procedures that you've set into place–" Eddy: "Woohoo!" [He is spinning on a rotatable mirror.] "Jane, stop this crazy thing!" [The lump in the middle of the bedspread collapses.] Ed: "Look what I found!" [He pushes out of a cabinet.] "Sticky notes!" Edd: "You put those back!" Eddy: "You're in trouble, Ed!" [He runs away gleefully.] Ed: "I'm a bad boy!" [Ed follows Eddy away, putting sticky notes on him as they run.] "Sticky note! Sticky note! Sticky note!" Edd: "Down stairs immediately!" ''[Ed's tongue hits Edd in the face. Edd pulls it away to reveal a sticky note with "stiky note" written on it.]'' "Your spelling's atrocious, Ed." [Eddy comes by in a rowboat.] Eddy: "Row! Row! Row! Row!" Edd: "Eddy, quit scratching the floor!" Ed: "My turn!" [He leaps on Eddy.] "Boing!" [Eddy hits him with one of the paddles upon descent.] "Woosh!" Edd: [chasing] "Pant pant pant pant." Ed: "Ha ha!" [Ed crashes in a closet.] "Oop." Edd: [looking wildly for him] "Where'd he go? Where'd he go?" Ed: "Look what I found!" Edd: "NO, NOT THAT!!!" Ed: "Bubble wrap." ''[He pops a bubble, damaging the ceiling. He then pulls a whole sheet out. The thing wrapped inside the bubble wrap comes out as well and falls on Edd's head.]'' "What is that?" Eddy: "It's a hunk of baloney, Ed. What are ya?" Edd: [slightly dazed] "Baloney? Please." [He strains to lift it.] "It's–the–ancestral fruitcake!" Eddy: "Looks like you got competition, Ed." Edd: "For decades, we parade the cake every Christmas!" [Ed, suddenly alert, presses on top of Edd's head to rewind.] Edd: "For decades, we parade the cake every Christmas!" [Ed rewinds again.] "Every Christmas!" [Ed rewinds again.] "Every Christmas!" Ed: [excited] "Christmas, Eddy! I want a flying saucer. And a pencil set, four egg rolls, a subscription to Chunky Puff quarterly, a box of Band-Aids, a big book, and...um..." Eddy: "Get over it. It's July! Anyway, Christmas stinks. All I ever get are clothes." Ed: "That's 'cause Santa knows you're a naughty little boy, Eddy." Eddy: "Santa don't know squat!" Ed: [scared] "DON'T EVER SAY THAT, EDDY! Santa is making his list and checking it twice." ''[Sleigh bells are heard. Excited,]'' "SANTA!" [Ed laughs merrily.] Eddy: "You're scaring me, Ed." [He goes to the window and looks out.] "Hey! You there!" [Sarah and Jimmy are running somewhere, piggy banks tucked under their arms.] Eddy: [when they look up] "Yes you, with the piggy banks! Where you guys going?" Sarah: [grumpily] "Don't bother, Eddy. I forget where we're going." Jimmy: "We're going to a party, silly." [to Eddy] "It's Piggy Bank Day! Gee whillikers, Eddy, you know that! You know, they day where you crash open your piggy banks and spend all the money?" Sarah: "Why don't you tell him your shoe size, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "Why?" [Sarah pulls him away.] Edd: "Of course, it's Piggy Bank Day!" Eddy: "Now that's what I call a holiday! Piggy banks, money, and spending. Tis the season, Double D." Ed: [holding a sprig of mistletoe] "Do you see what I see?" [He puckers up.] Eddy: "Where'd you get that mistletoe, it's July!" Edd: "There's no kissing allowed in my parents' room, Ed!" Eddy: [using Edd as a shield] "You take care of Ed, Double D. I've got another nut to crack. Or should I say, piggy bank." [He leaves.] Edd: [backing away from Ed] "Ed, please! Someone may be watching!"

[The kids are at the piggy bank party, playing.] Jonny: [coming up to Nazz] "Snort snort snort!" Nazz: "Oink oink to you too!" [They look at Kevin.] Kevin: "Snort. Yeah, whatever." ''[We then look at Jimmy, who is crying. He has a mallet poised over his bank.]'' Jimmy: "Oh the agony! And the ecstasy!" Sarah: "Hit it! Smash it into tiny pieces!" Jimmy: "The guilt's too great for one person to bear, Sarah." Sarah: "Well then, let's do it together!" Jimmy: "Okay!" Sarah: [helping lift the hammer] "Upsa-daisy!" Eddy: "Greetings, fellow grunters! Tired of all the cleanup when your piggy-smashing's done?" [He and Edd are on a vehicle with a giant metal pig on it.] Kevin: "Check it out, guys. It's Dork and Jeeves!" [Edd is Jeeves, as he is driving.] Edd: [not getting the reference] "Beans? An edible seed?" Eddy: [hopping out] "Our Piggy-Bank Belly-Pumper will extract your cash without you having to smash." Jimmy: "Really? Sarah! I can cancel my therapy!" Ed: [with a gift box] "Not yet, for it is Christmas and I bear stuff." [He bends down, then gets confused.] "Oh yeah." [He reaches into the box.] "Who wants a jumbo candy cane?" Kevin: "It's July." Ed: "And a partridge in a pear–" Eddy: "What can I tell you? Now, who wants their piggy-bank belly pumped?" Jimmy: "Um, I'm not sure–" Eddy: "First customer gets a discount." [He takes the piggy bank.] Kevin: "Oh, this is gonna be good." Eddy: "Don't blink." [He pushes a button, and the bank is cleaned.] Jonny: "Sha-zam." Nazz: "Cool!" Eddy: "Now hang on to your snouts, 'cause after this suction cycle, your–" [a sock descends next to him] "–your hard-earned Christmas stocking will come out here." [He realizes what he said.] Ed: [pinning another stocking to the side of the machine] "Stocking ready for stuffing, Santa!" Eddy: "Ed! Beat it or I'll stuff your sock!" Ed: "But Eddy, I am an elf." [He hears something from inside the machine.] Edd: "Oh, curse my gullibility." Ed: "For shame." [louder] "Santa, spare him!" [He rips away the side of the belly-pumper, revealing Edd with a hammer about to smash Jimmy's piggy bank.] Kevin: "Hello." Ed: "Naughty boy, Double D." Jimmy: "My piggy!" Edd: "Oh, I'm so ashamed!" [He bursts into tears.] Ed: "There, there. Santa forgives." [The kids stare at Eddy.] Eddy: [trying to absolve himself of any guilt] "Oh, how could you, Double D! It's his hat. It's too tight. Cuts off the circulation, you know." [The kids continue to stare at him angrily.] Ed: [in Eddy's face] "Santa sees all. A lump of coal for naughty Eddy." [to Jimmy] "Here's your piggy back bank–um–bank. Merry Christmas!" Jimmy: [shaking the pig] "Piggy belly's full, Sarah!" Kevin: "It's better to give–" Nazz: "Than to recieve, Ed." Kevin: "That's why I'm giving Eddy a knuckle sandwich!" Rolf: "Kevin! Here!" [He throws Wilfred at Kevin.] "I must feast my eyes on the sow of Christmas past." [Rolf is staring at the Piggy-Bank Belly-Pumper.] Kevin: "It's not Christmas, Rolf." Eddy: "It's July!" Rolf: "Not since Rolf's youth has the foul odor of the Christmas sow taunted Rolf's nostrils!" [Wilfred squeals.] Jonny: "That's the spirit, Wilfred!" Rolf: "The scrolls proclaim, 'Every time a pig squeals an angel gets its–'" Jonny: "I'm a pig too, Wilfred." [bending down to the pig's level] "See my snout?" [Wilfred attacks.] "Aaah! Uncle! Uncle!" Eddy: "Christmas stinks." Rolf: "Come! Gather round Rolf, as I cannot contain the Christmas mirth crawling up my back hair! For you, Jonny wood-boy." [He hands Jonny a yo-yo.] Jonny: "For me?" Kevin: "You feeling all right, Rolf?" Rolf: "Merry Christmas, Kevin." [He gives Kevin a unicycle.] Jimmy: "Presents?" Rolf: "Jimmy." Jimmy: "Just what I've always wanted!" ''[Rolf has handed over one of his shoes. It is then shown that he has given his clothes as gifts.]'' Nazz: "Uh, gee, thanks, Rolf." Ed: [to Rolf, who is in his underwear] "Merry Christmas, Rolf!" Eddy: [thoroughly annoyed] "IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!" Kevin: [getting into the spirit] "Who's up for eggnog?" [The kids follow him to his place.] Rolf: [carrying Wilfred to Kevin's] "Chestnuts. I must have chestnuts."

''[Edd is squatting in the ruined scam, crying tears of misery. A hand taps him on the shoulder.]'' Jimmy: "Double D?" [He holds out his piggy bank.] "Merry Christmas." Edd: [wiping tears from his eyes] "Jimmy? Why um, thank you, but I couldn't." [He pushes the pig away.] Jimmy: [miffed, offering it again] "But it's Christmas." Eddy: [bounding up] "Wait! I'll take it. Merry Christmas, Jimmy!" Sarah: [coming back for Jimmy] "Hit the road, Scrooge!" [She pulls Jimmy away.] Eddy: "I don't get it." Edd: "Don't you see, Eddy? The spirit in Christmas isn't about getting presents; it's about giving joy! Goodwill! And peace on Earth!" Eddy: [having an idea] "I got it! So what are we waiting for, Double D? I know how to get the gift that keeps on giving." [He pulls Edd away.] Edd: "Sounds like Mother's brussel sprouts."

''[The sound of sleigh bells is heard, and Nazz opens her door. There is snow falling.]'' Nazz: "Do you hear it, Kev?" ''[They look up and see Ed on the roof. Ed is scratching his head, and his dandruff is falling like snow.]'' Ed: "Fah-laky!" [He laughs.] "Ho ho ho!" Kevin: "Get off the roof, ya–" Edd and Eddy: [singing] "Jingle bells, jingle bells, give to us today–" [Ed falls off the roof.] Eddy: [seeing Nazz giggle, he pulls out his money jar] "We made you laugh, so give up your cash, and cheer will come your way!" [Nazz shakes a few quarters from her piggy bank into the jar.] "Bingo."

[The Eds are in Jimmy's house.] The Eds: "Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Give us cash or we'll never stop singing, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la." [More quarters drop into the jar.]

[The Eds are at a door, singing.] The Eds: "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christ–" [The door opens and Edd and Eddy stop.] Ed: "–mas, we wish you a merry Christmas, so give us some cash!" ''[The Eds are at Rolf's house. Rolf has decorated with various meats. After Ed finishes the song, Eddy holds the jar out worriedly.]'' Rolf: [putting bacon in the jar] "No cash. A fine strip of bacon, yes?"

Ed: [decorating a Christmas tree] "Am I a good elf, Double D?" Edd: [helping] "Santa would be proud, Ed. You did a wonderful thing by bringing the spirit of Christmas to the cul-de-sac." Ed: "That is 'cause I'm an elf, Double D." [A large Santa bag hops its way into the park where Ed and Edd are.] Eddy: [lifting the bag] "I'm back! Surprise!" [He heaves the bag onto a tree stump and dives in.] Ed: "What'd I get, what'd I get?" Eddy: [popping up with a jawbreaker] "I love Christmas!" Edd: [happy] "Eddy! Jawbreakers?" Eddy: "A yuletide haul, Double D." Edd: "It's absolutely magnificent! Eddy, you shouldn't have." Eddy: "Had to cash in that jar of Christmas cheer, you know." [Ed steals the jawbreaker.] Edd: "Ed, that's my jawbreaker!" Eddy: "Relax, Double D. There's plenty more where that–" [He looks at the now empty tree stump.] "WHERE'D THEY GO?" Ed: [offscreen] "And what would you like for Christmas, young man?" [Ed has taken the bag and is playing Santa.] Jimmy: "A jawbreaker." Ed: [stuffing one in Jimmy's mouth] "There you go!" Eddy: "ED!" [He looks around the lane.] Rolf: "Jawbreaker is good, yes?" ''[Rolf feeds one to Wilfred. All the kids are enjoying them.]'' Eddy: [despairing] "HE GAVE AWAY ALL MY JAWBREAKERS!!!" Edd: [trying to hold Eddy back] "Eddy, wait! You're wearing out the soles of my shoes!" [Edd loses his grip.] Ed: "Ho ho ho!" [He looks in the bag.] Eddy: "Ed!" [He dives at Ed, but Ed moves to the side, and Eddy hits the Christmas display.] Ed: "And one for the elf. I gave jawbreakers to all, so to all a good night."