Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?/Script

[88 Fingers Eddward is at his pedal steel again, providing music for another one of Eddy's scams.] Eddy: "Double D, that sounds so real!" Edd: "Don't rub salt in the wound, Eddy. You know how much I detest this instrument!" Eddy: "C'mon, you're setting a mood, Double D! The music, the plan, the Lump." [Ed is trying to hula dance.] Ed: "One, two, three, four, stick it all right out the door!" Eddy: "It's a gold mine, I tell ya! Hula dance lessons are huge!" Edd: "In a pig's eye." Sarah: "He's over here, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Tell him, Sarah, tell him!" Sarah: "Ed, stop your wiggling around!" [Ed continues to dance.] Ed: "Stick it out and all about!" [Sarah kicks him.] Sarah: "Listen to me, you idiot! I want you to–" Eddy: [through a megaphone] "GET LOST, TWERP! Ed's working." Sarah: [through the same megaphone] "BUZZ OFF, EDDY!" [Eddy lands.] "Fathead." Eddy: "Why, that little–" [to Edd] "GIVE IT A BREAK, WILLYA?" [Edd chuckles.] Sarah: "Pay attention, Ed. Go down to the candy store and buy me and Jimmy some–" Jimmy: "Fudge! Rich and thick with lots of nuts!" Sarah: "Yum!" Jimmy: "Yum yum!" Sarah: "Here's my allowance money. Don't lose it, or you're dog meat." [She hands Ed a dollar.] Ed: "I can do this that Sarah." Sarah: "You better. Now don't shoe scrub!" Ed: "It has been absorbed. You can count on me, yep! Or my name's not–" [He thinks.] Eddy: "Ed!" Ed: "Maybe." [He holds the money out of Eddy's reach.] Eddy: "Gee Ed, that bill looks pretty disgusting, I mean, it's all stained and wrinkled like, my friend. Why don't you let me clean and press that cash for you, bosom buddy?" Edd: "Clean and press?" [Ed sniffs the bill.] Eddy: "Makes you wanna throw up, don't it? Lemme take that for ya, so you don't contaminate those badly drawn fingers." Ed: "Can't do that, Eddy. Baby sister o mine has trusted me with her allowance." [While explaining, Ed hugs Eddy, pressing Eddy's face to Ed's stinky, unwashed, bacteria-infested armpit.] Ed: "So fudge I must buy it with!" [He gallops off.] Edd: "Apart from Ed's deplorable sentence structure, I'm proud of his devotion to his younger sister. Aren't you, Eddy?" [He looks at Eddy's spread legs.] "Eddy, please! Have some decency!" [He pushes the legs together.] Eddy: "Don't touch me!"

''[Ed is outside the candy store. Before he can open the door, Eddy interrupts.]'' Eddy: "Wait!" [He races up.] "Where ya goin, Ed?" Ed: "To buy my baby sister and her persnickety friend fudge. With lots of nuts." Eddy: "You mean jawbreakers, Ed." Ed: "Jawbreakers?" Eddy: "What're ya, a parrot? You got enough moolah there for three sweet ever-lovin jawbreakers, big boy." Edd: "Stop right there! It's Sarah's money. And if fudge Sarah wants, fudge Sarah gets." Eddy: "The guy's cracked, Ed. I know that you know that jawbreakers the way to go." Edd: "Don't you listen to him, Ed. Sarah's depending on you!" Eddy: "Forget Sarah! Jawbreakers, Ed." Edd: "Ed, you gave Sarah your word." Eddy: "And Sarah gave him cash. Jawbreakers, Ed." Edd: "Stand firm and deliver, Ed." [He appears as an angel on Ed's shoulder.] "Let integrity be your guide." Eddy: "Double D's right, big guy." [Eddy is on Ed's other shoulder, dressed as a devil.] "Integrity in Latin means 'buy jawbreakers.' Get the picture?" Ed: "Yes." Edd: "No, Ed!" Ed: "No?" Edd: "That money doesn't belong to you, and you are obligated and responsible for its expenditure. Fudge is the honorable path." Eddy: "C'mon, Ed, you know you wanna!" [He dives into Ed's ear.] "Who's gonna know?" Ed: [confused] "Who?" Edd: "You'll know, Ed. And the guilt will smother you like so many wet blankets." Eddy: "Let's chitchat." [Devil Eddy pulls Angel Edd into Ed's head and they begin to tussle.] Eddy: "Jawbreakers, Ed." Edd: "No Ed. Fudge." Eddy: "Jawbreakers!" Edd: "Fudge!" Eddy: "Jawbreakers!" ''[Ed screams and rushes into the store. We then see that Edd and Eddy have actually begun to rumble on the sidewalk.]'' Edd: "Fudge! Eddy!" Eddy: "I said jawbreakers!" [The bell tinkles.] "He went in!" ''[Eddy rushes to the window and looks in the direction of the jawbreakers. He instead sees Ed standing by the fudge display. Ed, in the store, is undergoing a great moral dilemma: trading present pleasure for certain future pain or avoiding both with fudge. Ed looks from the jawbreakers to the fudge repeatedly and begins to tremble.]''

''[Edd's head is in his hands, and the sound of Ed and Eddy enjoying themselves is heard. It is obvious that Ed gave in to temptation.]'' Eddy: [mouth stuffed] "Made the right choice, my fine fish-faced friend." Edd: "I'm speechless! I mean, how can you two just sit there, drooling over your ill-gotten gains! Have you no shame?" Ed: "Who is she, Double D?" Eddy: "Ed, give Double D his cut." Edd: "I refuse to be part of any of this, Eddy!" Ed: "Open wide and say bomb, Double D." Edd: "Not if it was the last edible substance on this planet, Ed." ''[Ed stomps on Edd's foot. Edd's mouth opens involuntarily, and Ed shoves the candy in. Edd resists the taste for a few seconds but soon gives in to the pleasure.]'' Edd: "How can something so bad taste so good?" Eddy: "When someone else coughs up for it, that's how."

''[The Eds are on the way home. Ed's belly is swollen, and Eddy is licking the residue from his fingers.]'' Eddy: "You were supposed to let it melt in your mouth, Ed, not swallow it." Ed: "Aw, it's kicking, the little whatchamacallit." Edd: [mortified] "How could I do such a thing? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!" Ed: "You should write your name on your underwear, Double D. See?" [He shows his underwear.] "I'm Hand Wash Only." Eddy: "What's with you?" Edd: "What's with me? Self-abomination, Eddy! Ed was entrusted with a task and I became embroiled in the breach of that trust! My hands are contaminated by the filth of jacadery! Oh, what dastardly deed have we sown?" Eddy: "Who writes this guy's stuff?" [He scoops out a handful of mud and gives it to Ed.] "Here. Give this to Sarah and tell her it's fudge." Ed: "Fudge?" [He remembers.] "SARAH! DOG MEAT!" [Scared, Ed throws the mud at Eddy and runs in place, looking for somewhere to hide.] Eddy: "ENOUGH ALREADY!" [to Ed] "As long as we sidestep Sarah–" [to Edd] "–and keep our big mouths shut, the twerp'll forget all about it." Sarah and Jimmy: "The fudge is here, the fudge is here, the fudge is here, the fudge is here!" [They dance around Ed.] Sarah: [looking in a pocket] "Find it yet, Jimmy?" Jimmy: [from another pocket] "It's not in here, Sarah." Sarah: "Not in here either, Jimmy." Jimmy: "I don't see fudge anywhere, Sarah." Sarah: [calmly] "Where the heck's my fudge, Ed?" ''[Ed looks to Eddy for guidance. Eddy shushes him.]'' Sarah: "Well?" [Ed begins to tremble and his eyes fill with tears.] Ed: "I spent your money on jawbreakers, Sarah! Have pity as I cannot control my brain!" Sarah: [shocked] "You what?" [Sarah starts to steam and leaps at Ed.] Ed: "HUUUUAAAAAAA–" Edd: "Wait!" [Sarah stops.] Ed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA––––" [Edd zips Ed's lips.] Edd: "Dearest Sarah, I speak for all of us when I say how sorry we are in spending your allowance." Sarah: "Is that so." Edd: "Why, yes! Isn't that right, fellows? And we are prepared to pay you back every cent. With a current market-bearing interest, of course." Eddy: "What're you talking about? Interest?" [He threatens Edd with his fist.] Jimmy: "Interest? We can buy even more fudge, Sarah!" Sarah: "Deal." [The Eds huddle.] Eddy: "How're we supposed to pay her back? We're broke!" Edd: "You got us into this. Well?" Ed: "Dog meat Eddy." ''[Eddy thinks for a few seconds and then chuckles. He runs off and comes back bearing a sign which he plants on the grass. The sign reads "Wegees 25¢."]'' Edd: "Wedgies? You can't be serious, Eddy." Eddy: [announcing the scam to the neighborhood] "Step right up folks, your dream come true. Give a wedgie, just twenty-five cents." ''[Kevin opens his front door. When he hears the announcement, he nearly chokes on the sandwich he is eating.]'' Kevin: "Wedgies?" Eddy: "Hike 'em high while they're still dry!" [Kevin tries to wedgie Eddy.] "Whoa-ho there, valued customer. Not me, them. That'll be twenty-five cents." Kevin: [pouring six quarters into Eddy's palm] "Delighted." Edd: "Wait just one doggone second!" Ed: "Me first, Kevin!" ''[Eddy is admiring his haul. Sarah comes up and grabs his wrists.]'' Sarah: "Hey! Let me see that!" [She examines the coins.] "You're short!" Eddy: "It's mine!" [He clamps his fists shut.] Sarah: "HAA!" [She bites on his wrists, and his hands open, dropping the money.] Eddy: "AAAH!" Sarah: "I want my money!" [Kevin has finished his wedgies and hung Ed and Edd from a tree by their underwear.] Edd: "How mortifying!" Ed: "One more for the Gipper, Kevin!" Kevin: "You dorks are benched. I'm outta here." [He moves to leave.] Eddy: "Don't leave now! I could set the boys up for another round! Whaddya say?" Kevin: "Not for me, man. I'm spent." Eddy: "Aw, come on!" Sarah: "My money now!" ''[Eddy holds up a finger, signaling they'll have to wait. He then runs off, coming back with Jonny.]'' Eddy: "You know you wanna. It's a smorgasboard of fun! A casserole of laughs!" Edd: "Good lord, what's he up to now!" Jonny: "So what's the catch, Eddy?" Eddy: "Catch? Um...catch! Whatever falls out! And it's yours to keep! That's how pinatas work, Jonny boy." Edd: "Pinatas?!?" Ed: "Me first, Jonny!" Eddy: "Cough up a quarter and go to town!" Jonny: "Right on! Here, Eddy!" Sarah: "Gimme that!" ''[She snatches the quarter. Jonny takes the proffered hockey stick and goes to start swinging.]'' Edd: "Jonny, please! Open your eyes, lad! Do we look like pinatas?" ''[Jonny hits Edd four times. What falls out is Edd's shoe.]'' Jonny: "A shoe? Boring!" ''[Jonny turns to Ed. One tap brings down a mountainload of crud onto him.]'' Jonny: [picking up Ed's bikini top] "Look what I got, Plank! Coconut earmuffs!" Eddy: "Now, about that interest..." Edd: "I can see right through your hobbled plan, Eddy." [Ed's ratty underwear begins to tear.] "And if you think this will withhold our giving Sarah her money back, you've got another thing coming, mister." ''[Ed's underwear breaks completely, and he falls to earth. Edd is the next to follow. The end of Ed's underwear, which was tied to his, falls over him and lands over his face.]'' Edd: "ED'S UNDERWEAR! Oh!" [He heaves.] "Soap! I need soap!" Eddy: [stepping on Edd's underwear] "Hold on there, trigger. We're just getting started! We owe Sarah money, with interest! Now you two get back in that tree, and I'll get a slingshot, and–" Edd: "I've had just about enough for one day, thank you!" Eddy: "What about paying Sarah back, Double D?" Edd: "Oh, we'll pay back, Eddy." ''[He whispers in Ed's ear, and Ed giggles. They then march up to Eddy.]'' Eddy: "What are you looking at?" [Ed and Edd grab Eddy.]

''[Eddy is hanging from the tree by his underwear. Eddy comes sailing up and hits the tree branch. He then bounces back down to the sound of cheers.]'' Kevin: "Sweet! Nice one, Nazz." Nazz: [holding a hammer] "That was fun." ''[We are allowed to see the full scope of the scam. There is a lever with a target painted on one end and Eddy hovering slightly over the other. The aim is to hit the target with a hammer and knock Eddy upwards.]'' Nazz: "Who's up next?" Jonny: "It's our turn, huh Plank? Yip yip, yahoo!" [He jumps on the board.] Eddy: "NO!" [He hits the branch.] Edd: "Step right up, Rolf. It only costs one penny." Rolf: "You must be pulling Rolf's finger. Rolf shall return!" [He rushes off.] Kevin: "I'll just take your turn till you get back then." Edd: "At a penny a turn, it may take a while to pay you back, Sarah." Sarah: [relaxed] "That's okay, Double D." [She watches Eddy hit the tree.] "I've got all the time in the world." Ed: "And I've got a jar on my buttocks." [Rolf reappears with a gigantic bag of pennies.] Rolf: "Rolf would like these many goes at the Ed-boy." Eddy: "You gotta be kidding me! Hey, wait! That's enough to cover Sarah's allowance! Right, Sarah?" Rolf: [raising the hammer] "Stand back, as Rolf has eaten Mama's pickled cabbage!" [He brings the hammer down on the target.] "SHLAHORM!" Eddy: "Ah man. AAABBBEEEHHHEEE!!!"