One Size Fits Ed/Script

[Jimmy looks down into a well.] Jimmy: "Sarah, come see!" [Sarah joins her.] Sarah: "Whoazers." Jimmy: "It's a real wishing well, Sarah. And a bargain at 25¢ a wish!" Sarah: [fishing out a quarter] "I'll make a wish. I wish for a–" 'Jimmy: "I wish for my name up in lights! Fame! Glamour! And a bodyguard! I wanna be a star!" Sarah: "Just make your stupid wish, willya? Ready...go!" ''[They flip their quarters in, and the coins fall into the well. They listen as the coins fall into the water.]'' Jimmy: "Supermarket tabloids, here I come!" [He and Jimmy run off, and Eddy peeks out of a bush.] Eddy: "They fell for it! Did you see that?" [Edd rises out of the well, revealing that the long drop was merely an optical illusion.] Edd: "The magic of geometrical drafting. Note: the brain can be fooled by what the eye perceives. A simple optical illusion, Eddy." [He tilts the coins into his hands.] "Did you write that down?" Eddy: "No. Gimme the cash!" Edd: [pushing Eddy off] "Eddy, taking notes is an essential part of learning!" Eddy: [hostile] "Are you touching my face?" Edd: [realizing his faux pas] "Oh. Um. Yes." [He removes his hands.] "Sorry. The way to a successful moneymaking venture requires–" Eddy: "No notes! I don't need you to tell me how to make cash. I was born to fleece, Double D. Do you know who I think I am?" Edd: "Unfortunately, yes." ''[Ed exits his house, his jacket tied around his waist. He runs up to his friends.]'' Ed: "Hoy hoy hoy hoy." Edd: "Ed?" Ed: "Boozah!" [He uses his belly to throw Edd into the well.] "Guess who I am, guys!" Eddy: "An idiot?" Ed: "Been there done that, Eddy." Edd: "Ed, help me up." Ed: "Not even close, Double D. Sukiyaki!" [He headbutts Eddy.] "I am Ed, sumo wrestler. I saw it on TV!" Edd: "Ed, did you brush this morning?" Ed: "Hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy." [He goes off and does some squats.] Eddy: "Ed, this sumo stuff's gold!" Ed: "Potato!" [He does a jump.] Eddy: "Save it for the paying customers, Lumpy. 'Cause I'm gonna make you the sumo champ of the world. I'm gonna be rich! What do you say?" Ed: [thinking] "Nah. Hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy hoy." [He walks off.] "Hoy hoy hoy." [He dumps the contents of a trash can out on himself.] "Suki and cheese." Eddy: "Aw, c'mon, Ed. Sumo wrestlers eat tons of food!" [Ed denies Eddy again.] Ed: [walking off] "Hoy hoy hoy hoy." Edd: "Well, Eddy, seems fame and fortune has passed you by. Maybe Jimmy's wish would've been easier to fulfill." Eddy: "Jimmy? Jimmy! HE wanted to be famous! And he'd look great in a diaper!" Edd: "I was just kidding, Eddy! Jimmy can't wrestle!" Eddy: [clamping his hands over Edd's mouth] "The brain can be fooled by what the eye heaves. C'mon, Ed! Lend me a gut, willya?" Edd: "That's perceives, Eddy. I told you to take notes." Ed: [kicking up the sidewalk] "Mohico!" [destroying another section] "Chop chop!" [hitting it again] "Whoa, Nelly!"

[A teddy bear is sitting on the grass while Jimmy draws.] Jimmy: "Lah da da da dah…And here's your autograph, Mr. Bear. Now go look for some berries or something, I'm busy. Ooh, another fan rolls in. My public adores me." [to Sarah] "How about you, little lady? Go on, you know you want one. Sarah: [sourly] "You're such a fathead. You better be careful what you wish for, Mr. Star." [She storms away.] [Jimmy blow a raspberry at Sarah's receding back. Suddenly, he is yanked out of his clothes and forced into a diaper.] Jimmy: "Shiver me timbers! Aah!" [His hair is tied back and he is given a fork and spoon.] Ed: "Like this, Jimmy. Hoy hoy hoy!" Jimmy: "Pardon me?" Eddy: [blowing a whistle] "Go get the food, Ed." [Ed goes off, shouting "hoy" all the way.] Edd: [dressed in a robe] "What the honorable bigheaded trainer is attempting to do is make Jimmy-san a star." Jimmy: "Me? A star?" Eddy: [dragging a chair and a TV out of the house] "The road to stardom starts with catering, kid. You're gonna be huge!" Jimmy: "I'm with you, Spingalli! I wanna be a VIP! Ready, willing, and able! Mold me." [He sits down.] Eddy: "Bingo." Ed: "Shezwhatdoyouknow!" [He throws Rolf's shed into the yard.] "Nothin says lovin like something from the toolshed." Eddy: "Thataboy, Ed!" Edd: "You took Rolf's meat locker?!?" Eddy: "Don't lose it, geisha boy." Jimmy: [looking at the meat] "I can't eat this slop! Come with me." [He gets up.] Eddy: "Prima donna." [Jimmy leads him to a fridge in the basement and opens the door, revealing that it is filled with two products.] Jimmy: "My own private stock." Eddy: "Peaches and cream? Sure, that'll work."

''[What follows is a montage of Jimmy eating, eating, eternally eating. He starts out simply spooning the food from bowls. From here he moves on to having it poured into his mouth. The last step is glugging it down from a giant funnel, emptying the fridge. Despite all this work, Jimmy stays petite, to Eddy's consternation. Suddenly, his belly button pops, and he swells immensely.]''

Eddy: "I told you I'd make him big!" Ed: "He is huge!" Eddy: "He's a ton of fun! And this is just the beginning, kid. You're my ticket to moolahville!" Jimmy: [crying] "What's happened to my small physique? I look like a sumo wrestler!" Ed: "Sumo wrestlers are stars, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Sumo wrestlers are stars?" Edd: "Well, yes, they're highly revered within their own culture…they have legions of fans that cater to their every whim." Jimmy: "Really?" Eddy: [drawing a ring in the dirt with his foot] "You bet, kid. Step into the ring and–" [His mouth drops open.] Ed: "Look at Jimmy waddle!" [Jimmy has grown so that his legs no longer reach the ground.] Jimmy: "My tushy's too big!" [Edd draws a ring around him.] Edd: "I thought it would be easier to bring the ring to Jimmy." [sarcastic] "After all, he is a star." Eddy: "Yokazuna Ed!" Ed: [hustling into the ring] "Mishan!" Jimmy: [frightened] "Ooh! What's Ed doing?" Eddy: "Yokazuna Ed wishes to wrestle you! As you are now the world-famous…uh…honorable…uh…Uhmafatso Jimbo." Edd: [sarcastic] "Boy, that was very clever, Eddy." Eddy: "Hey, I get around." Jimmy: "You want a piece of me?" ''[Ed charges Jimmy, screaming. He dives into Jimmy's belly and disappears." Edd: "Ed…vanished?" Jimmy: "Did I win?" Eddy: "C'mon, Ed. Quit fooling around." [Ed doesn't appear.] "Hey Ed. Where are ya?" [He searches in Jimmy's fat.] Jimmy: "What's going on down there?" Edd: "Ed!" Eddy: "Hey Lumpy!" [Ed's hand suddenly shoots out of Jimmy's belly button.] Jimmy: [scared] "I got a wiggly in my belly button! Get it out! Get it out!" Eddy: "Just pump him out of it, fatso! Pop him!" [Jimmy begins to strain.] Edd: "Now Jimmy, be careful. You could pull something." Ed: "This is fun!" [He flies out.] Eddy: "You made it, kid! You're a star! And I'm gonna be so rich!" [He kisses Jimmy's forehead.] Jimmy: "I'm a star?" Eddy: "Sumo wrestlers are revered!" Edd: "In Japan." Eddy: "You'll have legions of fans, who will cater to your every whim!" Edd: "In Japan." Eddy: [slowly] "Okay, Double D. I'll bite. So your point is…" Edd: "Sumo wrestlers are revered, celebrated and affluent only in Japan, Eddy!" Ed: "Eddy's the man with the plan." Eddy: "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO TO JAPAN?" Jimmy: "Don't give up now, Eddy. The show must go on!" Eddy: "Quit living in the clouds, kid! There's no way I'm sending you…to…" [Inspiration strikes.]

''[Jimmy is dragged over to a mailbox by Ed. Ed can't pull him over the curb, though, so there he sits. Then, Ed and Eddy put the box over Jimmy's head and jump on it.]'' Eddy: "Okay, Ed. Looks good to me! Now where's that mailman?" [Jimmy's pudge becomes too much for the box, and it bursts open.] Jimmy: "My pudgy pecs burst the mailbox, Eddy!" Eddy: "It didn't work?" Edd: "Of course it didn't, Eddy! Given Jimmy's immense proportions, the mailbox was bound to burst. And postage alone would have cost up to two hundred dollars." Eddy: "My sumo scam didn't have a chance?" Edd: "I'm afraid not, Eddy." Eddy: [confrontational] "I knew it! Did I make you laugh, Double D, huh?" Edd: "Honestly, I thought it would be a good learning experience for you. Eddy?" [Eddy uses Edd's hat to slingshot him out of the scene.] Eddy: "I quit!" Jimmy: "No, Eddy! Don't quit! I trusted you! I believed in you! It'll take me weeks to thin these thighs! You said I was a star." Ed: "Can I wear that hat?" Eddy: [regaining his confidence] "Okay. Forget Double Drip." [Edd's approaching screaming is heard.] "It's Japan or bust, I tell ya." [Edd lands on the road behind Eddy.] "We'll be eating with chopsticks in no time." Jimmy: "I'm going to be a star!" [Edd walks off, depressed by the stupidity of his friends.]

[A lamppost is bent almost double, weighted down by an anvil in its center and Jimmy at its end.] Eddy: [clambering onto Jimmy] "All aboard who's going aboard!" Ed: "All packed, Eddy!" [He puts his suitcase in Jimmy's diaper.] "I got my jammies, undies, sockies, a slipper and a sponge." Eddy: "Ask me if I care, Ed. Last chance, Double D! Whaddya say?" Edd: "Break a leg?" Jimmy: "Big time, here I come!" Eddy: "Ready for launch, Ed!" Ed: "No time for lunch, Eddy, 'cause we are going to Japan!" ''[Ed fiddles with the rope. Eddy looks into the sky, seeing nothing but fortune ahead. Jimmy wipes a tear from his eye as he thinks of what he's leaving behind. Ed finally gets the knot undone, and the lamppost unfurls to its full height. Jimmy flies almost as high, but his prodigious weight is too great, and he falls onto his back, crushing Ed and Eddy against the pavement.]''

''[It is morning of the next day, and Edd is tending to Ed and Eddy. He unfurls a hospital curtain.]'' Edd: "Rise and shine, gentlemen. And how are we feeling this morning?" ''[Ed and Eddy are in body casts. Ed laughs as he toys with the folding bed.]'' "Don't play with the bed, Ed." Eddy: [drinking tea from a makeshift IV] "I hate tea." Edd: [opening the window] "You haven't learned a thing, have you, Eddy?" [Whatever else Edd was about to say is cut off by a piercing blast from a whistle.] Sarah: "Move it, chunky! Is that the best you can do? I want to see some sweat, mister!" [She blows again.] Jimmy: [on a bicycle, sweating profusely] "I feel like I'm going to explode!" Eddy: "I just learned something today, Double D." Edd: [thankful] "You have? Tell me, Eddy!" Eddy: "We should open up a weight loss clinic! I'd be rich!" [leaning out the window] "Hey! Jimmy! Stupid cast." [He leans out farther.] "Jimmy!" [He leans out to far and ends up buried headfirst in the grass.] Edd: "Well I certainly learned something today." Ed: "That Eddy is the man with the plan!" Eddy: [garbled] "Help."